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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 27, 2015 20:41:22 GMT
She felt so confused and small as he left and got dressed. Had she wanted to leave, she could make a run for it now, but Clarke didn’t. She cared for him, deeply, but she knew she was damaged, broken. It was so easy for her to make mistakes right now. Clarke felt like she should calculate her steps, so she would not hurt him in this. He had been through too much already. The both of them. For a moment, after he was gone, Clarke considered getting dressed. But then she questioned why. Why should she? Bellamy had seen and felt her, why hide from him? The nature didn’t care, animals did not care, but being naked against him, would give both of them more warmth. Maybe that was for the better. Clarke sat up as he collected wood. Her gaze wandered to the water. Why could nothing be as easy as just living? Why did humans have to have consciences and hearts? Why was this not easy?
She wanted to let him have her in any way he wanted to have her, but what if she was too broken for him? What if he could not take her, if she and her baggage was too much? What if this was all wrong? She might be pushing him away already. He had left so easily. But Clarke waited for him to return. And then she spoke up. “I don’t want to hurt you.” She began. Clarke wrapped her arms around her legs, making herself small. It was such a simple statement, yet so true. She didn’t want to hurt him, just because she was confused and overwhelmed. She should have spoken to him before she let her need overtake. But she noticed his reaction. “Bellamy, I … I hope you understand that… it’s okay to be affectionate. I’m sorry I don’t know how to … deal right now. I don’t… know how to. I just don’t want you to be hurt.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 27, 2015 19:05:59 GMT
Clarke was glad Bellamy was out of it for most of the journey. It made immobilizing easier, it did not raise questions of why she was holding his hand. While he was out, she tried to keep him in that state with medicine. With the help of that and their friends carrying him back, they managed to get him to Camp Jaha in no time. A lot of people, like her mother, were in trouble, but Jackson and her could take care of that sufficiently for now. Octavia assisted with the minor injuries, taking care of them almost singlehandedly so Jackson and her could operate on Bellamy, to try and fix what they did. Once they were in, both of them gasped. Had she not operated on him, she would have probably collapsed there and then, but she was in doctor mode, it helped her. They tried to do what they could to fix the damage done to his spine, but even as they worked, Clarke just knew there was no use to it. She wanted to save what she could, hoping against hope for a miracle.
After that Clarke did not allow herself to rest. She needed to focus on working, on helping so she would not have to deal with the thoughts and memories that came hand in hand with what she had done, with how she had been too late. Clarke noticed the change in Bellamys vitals just before he woke, so she went to his bed and reached for his hand. “Bellamy? How are you feeling?” With her free hand, she reached for a bucket, in case the medicine did not go well with him.
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 27, 2015 0:27:45 GMT
Clarke slowly came to the realization of how little she had thought this move through. She had been blind to what the consequences of sleeping with him could be. She could feel his eyes burn into her skin as he looked at her. She felt the touch of his hand against her stomach burn a trail into her skin as if his hand was glowing ember, physically burning her. She knew it wasn’t. It was the awareness of what happened between them, the awareness of his casual touch now. What did it mean? Clarke knew now she should have thought enough to speak about him before she all but begged him to fuck her. His kisses were even more burning, feeling like a fire searing her skin, almost making her want to hiss at the sensation. It was not bad, it was just… she was overthinking things clearly. She did not want to hurt him, did not want to add him to the ever growing list of people she wronged. What if this was wrong? What if it wasn’t? So Clarke let him kiss her body, touch her body. Could it do any harm?
“Okay.” But maybe they should still cover with something. Clarke twisted a little in his embrace, wanting to reach for her jacket, but found she couldn’t. The thing was what she wore when she killed so many people, more than she could possibly put in words or numbers. But they needed a source of warmth or some form of isolation. Clarke found herself turning back around, placing her hand on his chest, shivering, not from the cold but the thoughts. At least his skin was warm, his chest hard, yet strangely comfortable. “I think we need a fire as well. We don’t know how cold it will get and some form of skin will remain exposed even if we hold each other.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 26, 2015 22:47:34 GMT
Clarke walked straight to the bedroom. This had been stressful, no doubt. While she did not feel bad or uneasy, the blonde did not want to take any risk. That out there was risk enough for her. Her entire being, her entire life currently revolved around the growing child inside of her, so she wanted to make sure everything was okay with the unborn. That required resting. That required taking care of herself, unfortunately. But it was just taking care of the baby. Clarke climbed on their bed after pulling the covers down. She crawled underneath those, laying down to relax. It might not be absolutely necessary at that very moment, but she wanted to be sure. In that case it was better safe than sorry, or at least that was what she thought. Her mom did say she needed lots of rest and she wanted to do that for her son or daughter, even if all of this meant she could lose her own life. Her child still had its Dad. Bellamy would never abandon the kid, which was what gave her confidence even in case she died.
“We can’t let anything like that happen again, Bellamy. I won’t leave the station again.” It was a simple solution, even though it meant self proclaimed isolation. All she needed was in here. Food and water could be brought by Bellamy or her mother or the others. They could bring what they needed from outside. She could walk inside the station if she had to walk. Everything she really needed could be in here. They had made them believe she was too weak to even approach Lexa. Well, then next time they came, she’d be too weak to even leave her bed. “Next time we tell her I am bound to bed. And if she wants to see, we will let her see. I will not go out there and risk getting shot and getting our baby and me killed. We’ll stay here, tell Lexa there are complications. Maybe we’ll pretend whatever has been on the blanket worked and it’s slowly killing me. I don’t know. Either way I am not risking our babies life again. And if she comes back with warriors to attack us…. We’ll go to the drop ship. We will keep this baby safe! I have not gone through months of feeling miserable to lose the kiddo.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 26, 2015 20:26:57 GMT
Clarke hadn’t expected words like those from Murphy. Why would she? They barely talked, how would she know there was some form of wisdom and cleverness in there? She knew he was blunt, which was probably why he told her hiding never got anyone anywhere. He was right. Hiding would not get anything done, but she simply needed it. Everyone was expecting something from her. She felt their eyes on her, she felt the weight of every decision on her shoulder, the weight of this entire operation. The adults wouldn’t take charge, wouldn’t make the hard decisions, so it was up to her, to them. And now it looked like Bellamy might be the one paying the price. Even that caught up with her now. She might have killed him with her decision. Maybe he was already dead, she would not know until he found a way to check in with them. Maybe he never made it to Mount Weather and his corpse was out there, burnt by acid fog. That was on her as well. Wells, Finn, now Bellamy, they might all be on her and more people. She did this.
“Bellamy is gone.” She whispered. It was the only answer she had to all of it. Bellamy in danger was what she did, what made her hide and what prevented her from seeking comfort with that man. She didn’t know where else to turn to or where else to cope with what she did. She needed him to call in, as soon as possible, so she could rest, somehow. She needed to be able to think clearly without fearing for him and the others the entire time. Once he was in and save, their friends were safe, right? At least safer.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 26, 2015 18:39:48 GMT
Her legs burned like fire. Days blurred into nights and vice versa. Clarke Griffin lost all concept of time as she walked and walked and walked, never being content with where she was. She needed to leave, to put distance between herself and her deeds and most importantly the people. A few of them reminded her constantly of what she had to do, of the lives she took, of the pain she inflicted on them. Others made her want to vomit, to scream and punch and take out her anger at them as they abandoned them with not good reason other than their cowardice and egoistic ways. She just needed to go, to go and find a new place and for that she walked and lost track of time. It could have been days or weeks or even a month that she had been travelling. Finally she reached another nation. The ice nation.
The leader had welcomed her. Words of Lexas rang I her ear of how the leader had Lexas girlfriend killed for information, so Clarke knew approaching her was dangerous, but at the same time it was easy. It was easy because they hadn’t abandoned her people actively. And they had a common enemy. Clarke found herself welcomed. She got a little hut, where she could sleep and learn and take care of people. It was like a second nature to her and as such Clarke felt at ease with the ice nation. It didn’t take long for her to adopt the typical braids and clothing. But as she did, some people started calling her by a different name. It was only by accident that she one day caught someone calling another blonde ‘Clarke’, discovering that the people were simply mistaking her for the other woman. Clarke didn’t approach her then as she had a patient in labor. It was two days after her discovery as she approached the other blonde.
“You are Isa, right? I think people are mistaking us for the other sometimes.”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 26, 2015 0:38:27 GMT
The blonde listened to what Bellamy said about his girlfriend. Had it been before, had it been just a few months before, she would have loved to see a woman do that. She would have loved to see the sparkle in his eyes, the evident love with which he spoke of her. He truly cared about this Mel in ways she had never seen him care for anyone before. He loved his baby sister, naturally, but this was a different kind of love. This was the kind of love Clarke remembered from the books. She made him feel safe, she made him smile and he could be comfortable in this relationship with Mel. Wasn’t that what the books said a perfect relationship had to entail? Or at least it was part of it, a pretty big part. Happiness and safety were, after all, two things humans always craved. And Bellamy had found it in her.
“That’s great. She sounds like … like the two of you belong together.” It was what it felt like there and then. She had been upset the day before, but right now she felt entirely different. While it should maybe have felt like a punch to the gut, it felt more like a weight settled in her, a heavy weight, that felt like it was just darkness. Clarke would have had trouble describing it, had she been asked to. Luckily she hadn’t been. Yet she barely felt herself peeling of the plaster covering her wound on her arm. Part of her regretted asking the questions, the other just wanted to be close, but at what price? She felt miserable right now and could not even tell why, because she should feel so happy for him, as happy as she tried to look, with the fake smile on her beautiful face.
Now the other question was safer, at least this tiniest bit. Things were good, wasn’t exactly the answer she expected, yet maybe that was all there was. Things were good, people were alive. That’s all that should matter to her, to others. They lived to see another day, was that not what they gave themselves for, what they sacrificed their souls and minds to? “I don’t know how to take care of myself, Bellamy. I never really… did that before.” She knew how to take care of others, but of herself? Before all this went down she usually had someone look out for her. She never really took care of herself, so the concept was foreign and it sounded impossibly hard. Did it not mean she would have to care about herself? Did it not mean she would have to care if she got better or not? But for who? The answer to that was hard.
“I…” The answer to that question was not easy for Clarke. By now she had peeled off enough of the plaster to scratch at her stitches, still not noticing she was actually doing it or even having a remote idea as to why. It was as unconscious as her travels had been in the beginning. “At first I just walked. I had no destination. I just walked during the day, sought cover during the night. It worked somehow. It… was as if my thoughts couldn’t catch up as long as I walked. I came across a small Grounder settlement. They had no healer. I helped people. And then I walked again…. And I guess I just ended up walking back here.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 25, 2015 23:24:53 GMT
Clarke did not end up working alone, despite intending to. She had gone to Kane to ask him about what she would be able to take for the now permanent tent for her and Bellamy – a symbol and sign for him, to reassure him and her and ultimately their people that she would stay. A lot in her still screamed to run, but she would work on that. She had to, for Bellamy if not for herself. In any case not working alone on her project was surprisingly welcome in Kanes case. They worked in silence initially, tearing down the tent and building it up again, this time a bit bigger, more structured. While Clarke was working on the bed – long after lunchtime – and Kane on the fabric covering the floor, the man spoke to her for the first time since they started their task. Clarke could not see him, due to see through curtains not separating the sleeping part of the tent from what would be the living part of it, hiding the fact from view, that Clarke had turned two beds into a large one as she was stuffing the mattress. She simply listened to him, but his words barely touched her yet. They might when she stopped, but for now she had a mission. They had more pillows than Camp Jaha could need so Clarke placed a liberal amount of them on the bed, knowing they might come in handy one day, given how prone to injuries they were down here.
In the end Kane an her build something like a couch and a table with two chairs, for work or to eat. They built a chest to store things in and they officially got assigned a closet from the ark. A carpet was covering the fabric on the floor, more pillows were on the floor, in case of people needing to come to them, sit with them, stay with them. Their bed was surrounded by more fabric, so the light could stay out for a bit longer in the morning. Her finishing touch was a rainwater tank outside of the tent, next to where she wanted to have a fireplace. If anyone would need to stay with them, they would need water and fire. The blond was just about to light the lamps in the tent, when she heard rustling outside.
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 25, 2015 0:29:42 GMT
This was not the reply she hoped for or expected. She had asked him, hoping he would have a preference or an idea. If he would stay with her, they needed direction and she wanted to follow his. He was the one giving up a lot for her, she had no illusions about it. All of this was on her. He had taken the burden against better judgment. He had come with her, all of which she knew was her fault. She was the one who should go by his direction now. Wherever that would take them as long as it did not take her back to the camp. She couldn’t face them, not yet. She was conflicted about things. If he let her decide, Clarke could not see any reason why they should not just stay. It had water, it had space, and it was safe from sight. They could make it safe for the two of them. They could…. Clarke didn’t dare to finish that thought, because this would not last. Maybe in the future she or the camp, could use this place for herbs or… or as a place for them to get privacy.
“Then we’ll stay here and build shelter.” In the morning. They would settle. Maybe building a home here would be what they both needed. Maybe settling and living would make her feel alive. Maybe that would be the solution. But what if it wasn’t? what if nothing, not even Bellamy could heal her from what she had been through? She could only live on, but maybe living was not for her anymore. Maybe living was no what she needed. But what was? “Should we build something tonight I… guess we’ll get cold lying here naked.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 24, 2015 23:13:12 GMT
Clarke had not expected this to feel so easy, yet it did. He pulled her into him, into a kiss that felt so normal, so natural and so good. Clarke wanted to question when they fell into this comfortable intimacy they currently displayed, but she was sure neither of them would have an answer to this question, at least not without some deep thinking that was entirely misplaced in this second. They should not even think about this, not now. They had different things to worry about. They had seen so much, done so much, they carried burdens on their shoulders that they should deal with first before it fully broke them. Clarke was already so close to breaking, close enough that she needed to stay away from the others. She had wanted to run for herself, she couldn’t do this anymore, but she still needed to breathe, just for today. Clarke pulled back, keeping her hand on his chest as she smirked almost shyly.
“I don’t think I will need any help.” But she could not stop him from walking back to the tent when she had started her work on it. That was something she would deal with when it happened, if it happened. Either way, she was just determined to get it done. She couldn’t wait. The earlier she would go to Kane, the better. Less people would see her, she would have to endure less looks. That was something very good in her eyes. Clarke got up properly again to put on her clothing. “I’ll go to Kane now. I really want to get started. I’ll see you tonight at the latest.” And then hopefully in a new tent, in a home. Clarke didn’t waste much time to leave, making a beeline for Kanes tent.
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 24, 2015 21:21:34 GMT
Clarke was just running her hands through a batch of herbs, trying to separate some before she cut them at the base, as she heard a twig snap. The blonde turned around to look at the source, startled much like the deer they had seen on their first day. Unlike that one, though, Clarke had her knife raised, ready to defend herself. Only this was a person she did not necessarily have to defend herself from. Given what Raven had been through and Clarke, the blonde pocketed her knife again, but she remained standing, watching her intently, as if she could read her just by staring at her. They had shared some experiences together, but in the end what happened after the massacre and with her working hard on the peace and the freedom of their friends, they never really had the chance to talk about anything. Clarke didn’t know if she wanted to. She had run away to avoid seeing them.
Now she saw her and it hit her like a punch to the gut, the guilt and pain rushing back to her, everything she had formerly tried so hard to suppress, especially now that she was working with some grounders sometimes. With her knowing she was out here, wearing not only grounders clothing, but also the respective braids could easily result in her telling the others, in her peace being disrupted for good. Of course it was never destined to last.
“Raven.” Clarke said in a way of greeting. “A knife would not have helped you much with a grounder. Why are you out here alone anyway? Don’t you know there are dangerous animals out here?”
Raven
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 24, 2015 20:59:55 GMT
“We could burn it immediately.” Clarke began. Both her hands were now protectively on her swollen belly. She had predicted it. She had told him this would happen in a way, had she been romantically involved with Lexa. She would have easily killed the baby in earlier stages then. This… blanket was not good. Clarke had already realized what she had intended with this entire thing, which caused her to only want to protect the unborn even more. Who cared about her life? Hope or Jake were much more important than her. But Bellamy was right. They had to have it checked. They had to be 100% sure this was poisoned or in some other way designed to kill their child and maybe the mother with her. Clarke would not let anyone hurt her unborn. This was their peoples hope in a way, the new generation, marking the new beginning for everyone.
“We will find something. The grounders used biological warfare on us before. Lexa… I bet if we don’t find the agent for the hemorrhagic fever on that, we will find some form of poison on it. This was an attack, from the beginning to end. She had archers in the trees. She wanted me to leave the security of camp. God knows what she would have done, but …” Had things gone even slightly different, she was sure she would be dead right now, or at least no longer pregnant. The thought alone made her nauseous. “She wanted to take our son or daughter from us, Bellamy… or kill me altogether. This can’t end well.” She hoped it would, but Lexa was, well Lexa. She was after her own agenda and people were only lucky if their interests aligned with Lexas by chance. Her baby didn’t. And Bellamy didn’t either. Clarke reached for his wrist, squeezing it softly, though it was more a gesture to comfort her. She needed to stay as calm as possible for this baby, but this was almost impossible. “Would you bring me back to our apartment, Bellamy? I don’t trust myself to walk there alone right now.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 24, 2015 20:01:50 GMT
“I always kept wondering how far advanced we would be now, had the library of Alexandria not burnt down. In just this short incident they lost all the progress, all the records of knowledge. It stalled the progress of people for so long. And given how fast everyone developed before the apocalypse…. I wonder if it would have even been a threat had the library not burnt down.” Damn, she was just revealing herself a massive nerd. But you didn’t get medical training by being a stupid pretty face. She had to learn as she wanted to refuse her mothers influence. Not that anyone actually believed that. To others she was just the privileged girl, who had gotten an awesome job through her mother. She usually just let them talk, but somehow she wanted Bellamy to know she was not that kind of bitch.
“This one is set on earth before the apocalypse. I think it actually has been written on earth, too. Anyway. He is living in the countryside, all by himself. He’s a hunter, strong and all that. He has a massive husky, too. She’s a shy girl, freshly graduated. Her car breaks down in the forest and she falls down a ridge. He brings her home, nurses her back to health. She’s already falling for him.” Like she might be falling for this Bellamy, it was just too easy to be in his company. At least this friendship was good. She liked his company already. “It’s graphic, to, by the way, but I haven’t gotten to that part yet.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 24, 2015 18:56:17 GMT
“To us.” Clarke pointed out. She was far from being the only victim in that. He was drugged as well. Logically speaking neither of them could have consented to having sex, but with him it was easy to forget that, because given the circumstances they were in, he probably tried anyway. And there could have been a lot worse partners in this, honestly. Neither of them wanted the other hurt. And really it could have been worse, probably for the both of them. “He did this to you, too. It might have turned out worse, but in the end the fact remains that he slipped you those drugs without your consent, both of us.” In the end she was lucky he drugged Bellamy as well. And she was lucky Bellamy clung to his ideals in that department. He punched Finn and she was sure he did nothing to actively hurt her.
“The girls have been… quite open about you. I would have had to be stupid not to understand it… or I would have had to find a way to run in order not to hear it. As it happened, I heard them speak about it. I have to admit I now know what they meant with not turning you away should you want another round. The way I’m sore… you must have some serious skill in bed.” Hell, she couldn’t even deny it if she tried. She was positively miserable, which was…. Interesting to say the least. For her. Her sexual experiences were limited on the Ark, being the daughter of a council member. She had had one opportunity and she shamelessly took it, which was probably not the best idea, then again, neither was being with Finn.
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 24, 2015 17:01:12 GMT
She doubted it would be a punishment for her, not right now. She appeared to be too young to understand. Maybe in a few years she might understand the weight of what she had done, the finality, but Clarke had noticed, while they ran, that there was no understanding from her to be expected yet, probably because she was too young, maybe even because her own mind protected her still from facing this new trauma. It might have made her good initially, but in the end, if it kept making her feel good, they were good to keep her locked up. Only time could tell with her. But did they have time? Earth was hostile at best. The grounders were fighting against them for some reason and now they were fighting among themselves.
Clarkes head turned in surprise as Bellamy spoke. His words were unbelievable, but at the same time she felt deep down how undeniably true it was. Wells did love her, if romantically or not, he loved her. He loved her enough to keep the truth from her. He loved her enough to rather have her hate him, so she wouldn’t hate her mother. And now she could not make anything better. She could not tell him about all the things she felt, the gratitude for that or even just for the charcoal he got for her when they were younger. Bellamy was just right. He loved her, but there would have never been a fresh start for him. These people hated him, because of who his dad was. If it hadn’t been Charlotte, someone would have eventually injured or killed him regardless. “He came down because of me. It’s my fault.”
Bellamy Blake
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