Time heals all wounds

[Clarke Griffin]

Bellamy Blake

---

Apparently it has been a month or two, Clarke took her word for it. The first night back felt a bit like heaven to her. She could sleep in a bed, freshen up, wear new, more normal clothes and have food she did not overexert herself hunting. It was new for her again. When she left she had to survive all by herself for a long time. To her it felt like it was cleansing her soul in a way, the guilt just disappeared, for whatever reason. She could breathe again. It was only part of why she finally returned to Camp Jaha. The other was a warning about Lexa, which she dutifully gave her mother. Now it was time to settle in.

Clarke spent the morning at breaktfast speaking to some of her friends, catching up a bit, though apparently she just missed Bellamy. She made a mental note to go find him later on. For now she caught with those people she ran across. It was perhaps midday – the sun suggested as much – when she finally found him by himself and had nobody who would want to talk to her. The blonde approached the man and gently poked his shoulder.

“Hey Bellamy.” She greeted with a bright smile.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Clarke's leaving had not been easy . . . especially emotionally. There was a lot of healing that needed to be done, and Bellamy was well aware that the trauma would last with them for quite some time. But what could they do? This place seemed to be all about surviving, rather than just living. Even though he was missing his co leader, his other half, he still had to lead what was left of the 100. He still considered them his family, more so than the others who were being led by Abby and Kane. He worked with them as well though, and the dynamic seemed somewhat peaceful.

But every night when Bellamy was left alone with his thoughts . . . they went to Clarke. Was she alright? Was she alive? Would she ever come back? He hated not knowing the answers to these questions. And whenever he closed his eyes to try and distract himself with sleep . . . the images of those he killed haunted him. Sleep became a luxury that was not afforded to him. Octavia spent a significant amount of time with him as well, helping Bellamy through his wounds but they were forever burned in his soul. Or what was left of it. She couldn't understand, though he loved her all the more for trying. The only person who could understand, was gone. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Bellamy was starting to move on from the hurt he felt over Clarke's actions. Or perhaps he just learned to cope with it. Either way, he busied himself every second of every day, dreading when night came.

He had just returned from a successful hunting trip, and was off to the side sharpening his knife, when he felt someone poke him. He turned to see who it was and when he did, he nearly dropped the knife. Could it be? Had he finally gone mad and was now hallucinating? "Clarke?" He stated, in clear shock. Not only was she here apparently, but she was smiling. A bright smile that he hadn't seen on her lips for so long. "You're . . . back," he both stated and questioned. No. She wasn't really here. It was his mind screwing with him. A hallucination; a figment of his imagination. Because something, just didn't feel right, even though everything should feel right with her return.

[Clarke Griffin]

He looked at her as if he was seeing a ghost. Clarke couldn’t understand this. What was so strange about seeing her? Surely he must have known she’d come back home eventually. She couldn’t stay away forever. She had to see him and her mother again, her friends. But most importantly him. Though now he looked haunted. Why? What the hell was up with that. Clarke made a mental note to try and get rid of that look in his eyes. Why she expected him to be happy to see her again, she didn’t know, but she did and so his question was a bit hurtful.

“Of course I’m back.” She smiled. “Did you think I wouldn’t come back? That I’d be gone for good? I had to see you again, Bellamy." Without thinking much about it, or about him maybe being angry at her or pissed in any other way, Clarke threw her arms around him, to hug him and hold him close for just a moment. “I missed you.” Apart from the look in his eyes, he looked good. “How are you?” If only the look in his eyes would go. She would make it go. She had to make it go. She wanted him to be happy, in general and happy to see her.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

There was something very . . . off about Clarke. She was speaking so casually, so nonchalant about her return, as if she had just gone off for a walk for a couple days. She had been gone a hell of a lot longer than that. Bellamy didn't even think she had fully healed from what happened. That wasn't it. But, something was definitely going on. When she put her arms around him in a hug, he stayed still. He was hurt by her leaving, but had needed to push it aside for the betterment of the camp. And . . . well, she was back now. That was what mattered, wasn't it?

He brought his hands to her back, hugging her, holding her. Closing his eyes as if to bask in the feelings of relief that she was here and alright -- physically anyway. Mentally, he still wasn't too sure. She told him that she missed him and asked how he was. He lowered his arms, drawing back so that he could look at her. "We should tell the other that you're back," he stated, obviously having no idea that he wasn't the first person she had come to. "Your mom will want to see you." Of course she would. She -- like him -- had been severely worried every single moment of every day that Clarke was gone. "I missed you too," he added on, knowing that he needed to tell her that. She had supposedly missed him, and he had so strongly felt her absence here. The only reason he had any strength as a leader, was because of her. Because she gave him the confidence he needed to lead. Without her . . . well, it had been quite the struggle.

[Clarke Griffin]

It felt way too long for him to hug her back, but then he did. For a moment she felt the dangerous feelings just bubbling below the surface, wanting to break free at the all to familiar and comforting touch. His arms around her made a part of her want to lose itself, to let go the hardly trained and achieved façade she now upheld in order to, well, function. That was all that she wanted from herself these days: To function. If she wanted to be a leader to her people, she’d be that, if they wanted her. She’d achieve that with whatever means needed, including less nice ways. Whatever the hell worked. As he let go, she found smiling and pulling herself together so much easier. 

“No need. They already know. I’ve already seen mom.” It was the truth. She had been medically cleared – good thing she had not done anything to indicate she wasn’t okay before coming here. So it was all okay. She could uphold her façade. Even with him. It worked. “She had me medically cleared last night. I’ve even spoken to some of my friends. It’s not easy finding you among all those people. You were out, weren’t you? Successful as ever, I assume? Come, I’ll treat you to a drink. We have so much to catch up on.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Clarke confirmed that she had already seen her mother, and that the others already knew as well. Made sense. They probably saw her come through the gates when he had gone on his hunting trip with a few others. But then she said something that caused him to pause. "Last night?" He repeated, as if trying to confirm that that was actually what she had said. "You came in last night?" Damn. That hurt. It hurt more than he cared to admit. She had been here since last night and . . . was it stupid of him to think that he would have been one of the first people she told? Yes. Clearly it was stupid. He had just thought that after everything . . . he had been the one she told that she was leaving.

She was always there to greet him whenever he returned. When they were reunited, they never failed to embrace or at least look at each other with an expression that said a great deal. He had pleaded with her to come inside, and she had walked away. Yet now . . . she was telling him that she had been here since last night. That she had not bothered to come and see him. That she had not granted him the knowledge of her return. Had he truly overestimated their relationship so much? What made it worse was that she seemed to think nothing was wrong with that. She was so casual, even telling him that she would buy him a drink, cause they had to 'catch up'. "What's the matter with you, Clarke?" The words just came out, for he could not fully suppress how hurt he felt. And the fact that she didn't care . . . he just didn't know what to say.

"Tell you what, how about you buy someone else a drink, cause I sure as hell don't want one." She had left him, forced herself to deal with the consequences of their actions . . . and returned with a bright smile on her face and clearly lacking any care about him or at least telling him personally that she had returned. He had only been gone hunting for a couple hours. That didn't explain last night. She knew where his tent was. She could have found him. But for whatever reason, she didn't. Just when he thought his wounds from Clarke had started to heal . . . they were ripped open yet again. He wished he didn't care about her as much as he did; he wished that he didn't have these . . . feelings for her. It made this situation all the more uncomfortable, at least for him.

[Clarke Griffin]

“Yep.” She answered with a smile. She saw no problem in her having arrived the night before and certainly did not see why it seemed to be a problem to him, but she noticed it. She noticed that it seemed to be a problem for him. Why? Did he think she should have gone straight to him after being cleared despite the time? It was late and she had spent the day with something that caused her exhaustion. The smile disappeared from her lips. She stepped back from him. “What’s wrong with that? I was ushered straight to medical to be cleared. Nobody wanted me to bring in a sickness, like Murphy had done, least of all me. Or do you want to tell me it wasn’t okay for me to sleep? After I spent over a day on the road coming back home? Should I have come and woken you when I could have as well have seen you in the morning, rested? What’s the matter with you?”

Clarke turned around and walked away from him. "Guess I'll just ask Finn then." She did not want to be confronted by this, not now or ever. What the hell had gotten into him that he acted like that towards her when she had done nothing but gone to him as soon as the opportunity arose and apparently that wasn’t enough for him anymore. While seeing him had been her priority after seeing her mother, she felt a deep disappointment in her, so she had to seek solitude now, to pull herself together yet again. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she shouldn’t have come back at all. Next time she wouldn’t.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Yes. It was becoming abundantly clear that he had overestimated what they had. She left him when he had asked her to stay . . . the one time he had asked her to stay. And now, she was acting as if he wasn't relevant. Acting as if she didn't have to inform him of her return. After everything they've been through: it came down to this. Did she really care so little? It just, didn't seem like Clarke. He knew what they had done would change them, but not in this way. She was so . . . happy, and it didn't seem right. He remained silent as she turned the question on him, asking what was wrong with him. He didn't think he needed to explain it. The fact that he had to made it evident that she didn't understand. Apparently, he was not important to her. Apparently, he had lived out his usefulness to her. She turned to walk away and he was going to let her, when he heard her suddenly make a comment about Finn. Asking Finn. Bellamy stared at her in surprise.

Something was not right and this proved it. Part of him wondered if he should go talk to Abby, but the other part of him knew that he couldn't let Clarke walk off looking for Finn and have the others know she was . . . well, he didn't quite know how to define it. He took a few hurried steps forward and grabbed her arm, pulling her around to face him. "You are not yourself right now," he told her, looking intently at her. They were the words he had said to Finn . . . not long before he had sent him off to slaughter eighteen people. While Clarke's instability wasn't quite that violent it seemed . . . it was there. And he wouldn't just send her off on her way. "Clarke, somethings not right here. We need to talk, in private." What was going on here? What had happened to her in the woods that made her suddenly think that Finn was alive? It had to be the trauma didn't it? Without waiting for an answer, still gripping her arm, he began to lead her to his tent where they could speak.

[Clarke Griffin]

What the hell was he doing? Clarke was perfectly find in walking away from him now. She didn’t need him to look out for her or give her another lecture about what she should have done and what not when it was just unreasonable to begin with. For some reason him grabbing her and turning her around made her react in a way she never thought possible, as she flinched away from him or tried to. But it was no use. He was physically stronger than her, so of course he still had her firmly. “I am myself. Just because I don’t comply to your wish of how I should be, doesn’t mean I’m not myself!” She made only weak attempts to get free as he dragged her along, though she could have called out to their friends, made them look at her and listen to her.

In his tent, Clarke froze. She had never been in here. The last time she had seen the inside of where he was living was at the dropship. This was… not what she expected to see when coming back and it mate his lecture earlier even more bitter for her, because how could she have known where he lived? She didn’t. They had other things to do between…. Everything. Between…. Clarke looked around frantically. This wasn’t right. She shouldn’t be here. She only returned for their people and him, but it was wrong. “I need to go. I can’t be here.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He could feel her struggling against him, trying to free herself from his hold. Usually, he wasn't this determined and forceful with her. But then again, she had never tried to struggle free from him. He had never had to force her to talk to him. They had always been able to have discussions with one another. But right now, something wasn't right with her and he needed to get to the bottom of it. He could set aside the hurt he felt from her actions right now, because he needed to. Because Clarke was . . . well, as he had said, she was not herself. She seemed surprised by his tent, frantic almost, saying that she needed to leave. That she couldn't be here. But Bellamy stood in the only entrance and thus, the only exit.

"Why can't you be here, Clarke?" He asked, trying to figure out what was going on in her head. Whatever it was, made her believe that Finn was still alive. But it didn't have to do with the fact that she had not come to him right away, but he knew that something definitely wasn't right. "Look at me. This is really important," he stated, taking a step toward her, needing her to look at him so that she could focus. "What's the last thing you remember?" Was it before Finn? Had everything that happened after been blocked from her memory? It would make sense. Because her actions of mercy killing Finn had been a huge turning point for her. He had been able to see that in her eyes, in her demeanor. So now, he was trying to determine where her memories cut off at. Or, whatever the hell else was going on with her.

[Clarke Griffin]

“I…” That was a damn good question. Why could she not be here? She felt bad about it. She felt guilt and pain well up in her, but she had no idea where it came from. It felt like something was buried deep inside her and now that she was here, she felt like it wasn’t the place perhaps, it was the fact, that he let her in, that he let her into a private sphere, where he was vulnerable and she would hurt him. She would get him killed and it scared her. Clarke felt scared of what she would do to him or maybe had done to him. Had she done to him what the images and voices in her head suggested? Clarke flinched again as he forced her to look at him as the images in her mind merged with his face. She shook.

“The… the last thing? I… I got here. From Mount Weather. We found Finn and brought him home and… I don’t know it’s a mess.” It was a mess, she only just realized it. Even her time outside blurred into one colorful mess that made no sense at all. “What’s going on, Bellamy? You’re confusing me.” Not just that, he was being so weird. What was going on with him? And her. “Why are you being like that?” What had she done to deserve this and why did she want to run? 

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Her answer was as he suspected -- or perhaps feared. She didn't remember anything about what happened after. She didn't remember Finn's fate. Or Tondc. Or . . . what they did in Mount Weather. None of it. How was that possible? Well, he had a few ideas of how that could have happened. She was asking him what was going on, why he was being like this, and Bellamy remained silent. He didn't know what to do. He was well aware that whatever was going on in her head . . . it wasn't good to keep all these memories from her.

She needed to know. On the other hand, she seemed . . . happy. Even if it was just a false sense of it. He hadn't seen her smile the way she did in so long. She seemed so at peace with things. Who was he to destroy that? What right did he have to shatter whatever wall was keeping from all the pain of what happened from consuming her? He wasn't selfish enough to do it so that she could heal with him. She had made it clear she didn't want that the day she left the camp. But . . . what was better for her. That, was what he needed to determine.

So he couldn't answer any of her questions without finding out the answer to his own. "Clarke, when your mom examined you last night, what did she say?" He would need to speak to Abby about this. He feared what would happen if she was suddenly flooded with everything that had happened since her escape from Mount Weather to now. Could she survive it a second time? What if he completely destroyed her? What if she was already defeated and this was how she was coping with it?

He just didn't know what to do, but knew enough that he would have to handle this delicately. "I just wanna know, ok. I wanna make sure you're alright." It wasn't a lie, but it was also not the entire reason he was acting this way. He couldn't reveal that without revealing the rest. And as he had already established . . . he didn't know what the best course of action was here. His gut told him that he couldn't just let her live in this ignorance . . . but, this wasn't just his decision to make. Besides, how long would it last?

[Clarke Griffin]

What did her mother say? “I’m…. I’m all clear. No infection, nothing. No wounds. I am perfectly healthy. Why?” What was he trying to get to. What was he trying to make her understand or feel? Clarke still felt the confusion. What was going on? What did she not understand? Why could she not piece together a working timeline. She felt strained and pained just by trying to remember, because then she realized something was missing. Some things her brain did not provide her with. Something was just missing. Was he aware? Did he know? Where the horrible images part of it?

Clarke tried to focus on them, tried to remember as he told her he just wanted to make sure she was alright. No matter how hard she focused, it came back to the images of one thing: Him. Mount Weather. She began to remember, not everything she had done, but the one unforgivable thing, the one things that caused all of it, the blood she could not was off had she spilled it. She remembered the power he had over her, the feelings it brought, the pain she endured because of it. 

“I can’t be alright. Not… not after I sent you … to Mount Weather. I can never be alright again. I came back to be there for our people, but I can never be alright again.” Clarke knew she could never forgive herself for that, nor ever release herself from his power. That’s why she ran, why she stayed away. Clarke didn’t even notice the tears running down her cheeks, she barely even heard herself whisper: “I’m scared of you.” 

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She claimed that she was perfectly healthy. Physically at least, but not mentally. She wasn't. He knew that. But he didn't want to alarm her right now. He couldn't risk compromising her mental stability. Her answer to his question though, left him slightly confused as to what all she remembered. She didn't remember what happened to Finn, but remembered sending him to Mount Weather. She told him that she could never be alright again. She had come back for their people -- and he had to remind himself that he shouldn't be disappointed that he wasn't a reason for her to return. That much was clear. She came for their people; they needed her. They always would. He couldn't be selfish in wanting to be even a fraction of the reasion she came back. The tears falling from her eyes made him want to comfort her. Wrap his arms around her, hold her, and tell her that they could get through this . . . together. But her lastly spoken words, made him freeze. He felt his entire body numb.

He had been broken once when she left him. And her words now, finished the job. She was afraid of him. He had wanted to be the reason she stayed, but was he the reason she left? His mind couldn't form words right now. He felt an ache within his heart that he hadn't even thought he was capable of feeling. Not from her. But here she was, telling him she was afraid of him. All he could do was stare at her. Didn't she know what he did what he had so that they could go through this together? That he would never be alright again either. That he wanted them to face this, together. But now, that was impossible. How could he expect that, or anything from her, when he was clearly nothing to her. Or at least someone she was afraid of. Which was worse. He tried to swallow back the pain, but knew that his eyes were moistoning with tears. He had kept himself going after she left for the sake of their people. He had tried to keep it together, hoping one day she would be back. And she was. But he had not been braced for this.

He folded his lips inward for a moment, the only way to hold them back from quivering. In this moment, he couldn't even stop a tear from rolling down his cheek. "Alright," he breathed weakly. He stepped to the side, no longer blocking her way. It was no longer about them. She didn't want that. She didn't need him like he needed her. "I'm sorry, Clarke." Sorry that he had not pushed her hand off and been the only one to pull that lever. Sorry that in what he did in the past, was enough for her to her to be afraid of him now. Sorry that he had failed her like he failed everyone else he so deeply cared about. He never, ever wanted her to be afraid of him. But this is what it had come down to. And he wasn't sure what there was left to say. Whatever else came to surface . . . would only destroy the fragments of whatever he had left of his heart.

[Clarke Griffin]

Tears. This was exactly why she was scared of him. She was scared of the power this man held over her, power she could not understand. Lexa - whoever this person was – had been able to use him against her over and over again. The blood on her hands because of him, she could not count the bodies attached to it. At the same time she could not find it in herself to make any other decision. She needed him, which was exactly why she was so scared of him. Someone had betrayed her, two people, but he? He hadn’t so far and she was scared of the day he would. How could he not? It was never those she didn’t care about who betrayed her. It was always those, with whom it hurt the most. Bellamy Blake had the power to completely shatter her, beyond her being able to pull herself together again. The thought alone made her want to throw up. 

“As am I.” Her voice was slightly higher than it usually was. Clarke left the tent, distraught over this confrontation still, but this time she knew where to go. She went straight back to medical, but avoided her mother. Jackson, loyal to her, yet a bit more neutral changed her status, like Bellamy even indicated. He was right. She wasn’t alright at all. He had seen it, like she felt she knew he would. He was the one she knew she could trust, but feared at the same time. Only in her tent did she realize her mistake. With what she said, she had done the one thing to break her apart herself, she shattered herself and there was nothing that could pull her together. 

Time made no difference in her tent anymore. She could have been there for minutes or days, lying there just trying in vain to pull herself together. She failed. Words echoed in her mind, visions appeared, sucking her in, forcing her to relieve moments of the past months, painful moments. When Clarke woke she found her right arm covered in blood – again. The injury resonated what happened in her dream, what she had done, just to get out of Mount Weather and then she sent him back. And now she hurt him. She could see it in his eyes. How could she have done that? She did what she was afraid of him doing, served her right. She had to speak to him, had to tell him everything. Without putting on pants or a jacket or even boots she left her tent. It was night, so fairly quiet, apart from the guards. Now she really knew where his tent was – not too far from hers. The irony. She didn’t bother making herself known, instead she just entered. “Bellamy? C-can we talk?” Clarke wasn’t even remotely aware what a pitiful sight she was: Dressed in only her top and hotpants, her arm still bleeding, barefoot.

Bellamy Blake