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Roma stood there as he spoke about things he had never spoken of before. At least not to her. She watched the emotion on his face wavier and twist until the tear fell from his eyes, only for another one to fall. She felt her heart hurting for him, as she explained things that didn't made any sense too her, but perhaps they never would. How did he not see that more would have died? How did he not see that everyone owed him so much, and they loved him. They had not expected him to even do half of what he did. Her brows were bent, and she knew it was because her heart was breaking for him. For his pain. "Why do I deserve love when I've deprived so many other people of it." That was when she understood. That was the reason. Guilt. He felt guilty.

"You make me feel whole. You . . . saved my life, Roma." She inhaled at that, trying to keep her own composer. She had saved him? He saw that in her? She didn't want that responsibility! She loved him but she wasn't strong enough to be strong for them both! She was vein, and silly, and selfish and that worked for her! Bellamy had been the exception to her selfish behavior, but she didn't understand how that saved him? At the same time, his words . . . . meant the world to her. That he saw her in this manner, and that she was important enough to someone that they would need her in such a way . . . it was a feeling she'd never known. She wasn't sure what it was, but she didn't exactly hate it.

"And. sometimes I just don't feel like it's worth saving.""Bellamy," She said his name softly, and quickly to make him stop. She couldn't hear more! Not right now! Not when it was affecting him so much! It hurt too much. She didn't like seeing him hurt! It was hurting her to not run to him, and hug him. To not just hold him. But what would happen when things changed again? Would she be standing here once again? When did she stop the pattern? "Everyone is worth saving. If coming down here has taught me anything, it was that everyone is worth saving." She took a few more steps closer to him and looked up into his face. It took everything to not reach out and hold him. But she meant her words. Everyone was worth saving--even herself. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Bellamy. You're hurting and the only thing I want is to hold you but every time I do I brace myself and wonder . . . . what about next time? What if--" Please never let this happen! "--what if I got pregnant? What if that makes you feel whatever the hell you felt three days ago? You loving me, is everything I have wanted from you . . . but I have twice felt your rejection, and I am afraid of a third. How do we get past this?"

"You're right," At least they were in agreement about something! "I got attached, and I kicked you out." Saddly it wasn't agreement she was after! It was an end to her pain, and she wasn't sure she could find it here. He had done this too her twice, when he said he had feelings for her. "I'm, not an easy person to be with." That was a understatement! "I've . . . done things. Things that make me a monster." The pain in his face stole a lot of her anger, and she could only stare at him. He was so strong, and had stayed so strong for so long that sometimes you could almost forget that he was still hurting. She knew he struggled under the weight in the beginning, but the way he looked now . . . .

"People justify it for me. Tell me I did what I had to do, but that doesn't change the fact that I did it." He saved them, but he never looked at only the people he saved. He couldn't let go of the ones he had killed. She wanted to hold him. She wanted to keep him safe but she was scared he'd only hurt her again. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even this year. One day she'd wake up and he'd realize this was too much and he'd send her on her way again.

"I found peace with you. Something I never thought possible." Roma closed her eyes and lowered her face, trying to hold onto her anger. It was all she had left. "Something I don't deserve." Her head shook slightly from disagreement, but she still said nothing. "I hurt the people I love, and I'm scared for what that means for you." Her face jumped back up to his, as he said the last line. "Because I love you." And she didn't realize she had taken a step backwards until she felt the wall she had been close to touch her back. Leaning on it, because she didn't trust her knees to hold her up. He loved her. She had been 16 when she fell in love with him, and now after everything between them he wanted to say it! After making her afraid to let him close again, he wanted to drop this bomb and wait for her to deal with it?! Part of her hated him! She loved him but she hated him! . . . . . or at least hated the choices he was making.

Coming to her and saying HAHA this was a joke, would have hurt less because then he was just an ass hat! Now he was the ass hat who was giving her everything she would have begged for, only after making her afraid to trust it! She couldn't speak for a long moment. She wasn't even sure what was on her face. Panic, fear, anger, bitterness, pain. Who knew at this point! She had never held any of his mistakes over him. He had been a 'could do no wrong' man to her. But this . . . this was wrong. "You hurt the people you love." She repeated his words, her voice sounding lost rather then angry. Standing from the wall she looked at him in the eyes, and stepped a few steps closer. "That's a choice you make, Bellamy. Not something that just happens. You decided that it was easier to send me away rather then deal with things. . . And you know, after your mother died, I could even understand it. I never held it against you. You were hurt, and I accepted things . . . . but then again, it's happened. You close yourself off behind this wall, and you become untouchable . . . and maybe that is your way of dealing with things, but you need to sort that out! You're too afraid to let people in, but you can't keep people out either. You're heart isn't that cold Bellamy."

But her's was going to be if she let him keep on. Roma looked down for a moment before she looked back at him. This time she returned his own words to him. "You scare me, Bellamy, I am standing here braced for what comes next. You say all the right things I am too afraid to risk it again. because you are the only person with the power to hurt me. And you didn't hesitate to do it." Which she why she really had to ask, "What do you want from me? What do you expect to happen now?" She was accusing him, or yelling it in anger. She just needed to know why he decided to do this. Was he just explaining things, did he hope she'd jump back in to his bed as if nothing happened? Was he asking for a relationship, or did he even know what he wanted?!

She exhaled when he pulled out of her, and felt the loss of his weight as he rolled away. Roma turned to rest on her side while facing him, taking in his features. Soft moments hadn't really been her style--or even who they were together, but she could see his pain. Actually see it! It almost soaked into her body from it. "You should go." He told her, and Roma frowned, not understanding the words. Did he need to be alone? He wasn't the type to share his emotions, and she respected that. She wasn't either. It had been physical between them but he had still managed to get to her. Turn her head. Make her love him.

Her hand moved out to brush his hair back, and then drop to rest on his shoulders. It never once occurred to her that he wanted her to really leave. "I can stay," She said softly, wanting him to know she was here to help him. "We don't have talk, I can just lay here with you." It was telling of her to offer event this much, as Roma avoided things like this. Moving to rest her head near him shoulder, she planned to stay there and just hold him. Give him the time he needed to deal with what had happened. Tomorrow they would figure everything else out. She'd tell him she loved it, and he would know he had not lost everything. Tomorrow would be soon enough for all that.

She never thought things wouldn't work out that way.

Roma was kneeling on the ground while pulling up a cabbage. She lifted a hand to wipe her face, and she could feel the dirt on her skin. This was the part she hated! With the real source of her anger not before her, she took it out on the dirt. After her temper tantrum, she stood up just as a voice came from behind her. "Can we talk in private?" NNNNNOOOOO!! Roma felt herself grow still from the audacity that he had to walk up and ask to speak with her after refusing to even look at her! She knew him too well to call him a coward but in that moment he had acted like one! She wasn't a violent girl, but he made her want to hit him! Hurt him the way he wouldn't let anyone get close enough to hurt him! Only his sister!

Slowly she turned to look at him. Yeah, she'd missed him . . . but he was closer now, and a cabbage wasn't as heavy or hard to throw as a book! Roma was surprised at how easy it was the throw--Maybe she was getting better throw practice. Her eyes looked around to see if anyone saw her, cause just as Roma loved people watching her get the guy--she wanted her vengeance seen as well. "I've nothing to say to you!" She bit out and turned to walk away, but she only made it a half dozen steps before spinning around and storming up to him. "You know what! I do have a few things to say to you!" She hissed out, "You owe me a damn explanation, Blake!" Her finger pointed at him, and she wanted to do something to shake his unwavering calm that Bellamy always seemed to wear! He walked around with his stupid jacket on like it was armor that would protect him from more then just an attack but from feeling! She had thought--foolishly--that she got to see under that but apparently she didn't know shit cause right when she had thought things were good, he was moving on!

He said nothing. NOTHING! Roma shifted her feet for a moment while waiting but the longer he said nothing the more she realized the bastard was doing it to her again! "You're shitting me!" She yelled at him, staring him down! Oh course though, he wouldn't look at her! No! Not Bellamy fucking Blake! "You ass hat! Really? Again!? Like what . . . the first time wasn't fun enough?!" She reached over for the first thing she could find--a book about something or some old crap! She didn't care! It was heavy! Roma chucked it at his head! Before waiting to see if landed she grabbed a boot and sent it following him! "Don't even look at me while you do it! Just stand there and expect me to crawl out out of your bed AGAIN with no pride, and---" A broken heart! OH SHIT! HE'D DONE THAT AGAIN TOO!

Roma took a deep breath when she realized that she wasn't hurt because he was kicking her out, but because he was leaving her. The hurt fueled her anger. She turned to grab something else and threw it too. Walking up to him she tried to push at him wishing she could slam him against the walls and hurt him like he hurt her! She knew they had different feelings for each other and she hadn't cared! He was honest with her and had given her what he could and she had loved it! BUT THIS! THIS WAS BULL SHIT! "Go float yourself, Blake!" She yelled and grabbed some of her stuff, only to throw that at him too. Anything she passed on the way out--a chair, the table, anything, it got flipped over or pushed at him. She was pissed!

Once she was out of the room, she started running down the hall. She had not even bothered picking up the rest of her clothes or even her shoes. She would ask Alice to go get it later! Right now she was humiliated and heart broken and pissed as hell! She just wanted away from him!

Bellamy's eyes moved over her--or started too before something passed in them and he grabbed her clothes and tossed them at her. "Get dressed. You need to leave." He said, while starting to move her things around and . . . was he piling her shit up? Roma didn't move at first, ad his voice from before came back to her. "You should go." Her heart beat in a painful rhythm, as she begun to process what he was telling her. Only this time it was worse because she knew there was nothing leading up too it. Then again, the last time she hadn't thought there was either until he had FUCKING KICKED HER OUT OF HIS BED!

Sitting up slowly, Roma pulled on her shirt. Shirt, it was humiliating to be kicked out of someone's bed--and the second time around only made it worse. Pulling on her pants she stood up, still in a bit of shock as she stared at him. What was happening Here? Was this a joke? Like some joke where she walked out and there was a sign that said something sickeningly sweet and pointless? "Bellamy . . . . what the hell?" She asked in a confussed tone, needing him to spell it out to her. Was he . . . . was he about to kick her out of his bed twice?

Roma woke up alone, but that wasn't new. Bellamy often started the day before she did--and as she kept him up late she often slept in to make up for it. Smiling she got up, dressed and out to the garden where she worked a short shift. As a farm station girl, she found her place here--which was ironic as she had tried really hard to escape it. After mount weather though, she had found comfort in what she had knew. Sometimes she hated it, she hated the dirt and the hard work, but the first few months on the ground had helped her over come that by miles.

After a morning of work, she showered and then went back to to bed, not even thinking how she always went back to Blake's bed. It had been so long since she even went to her own bed. Curling in naked, she would just let him find her that way. That was always fun. The blanket draped over her hips, but her back was bare as she layed on her belly. Sometime later she was awakened with her name rather then a kiss. "Roma?" Blinking awake, she smiled a sleepy smile before rolling over to her side and propping up on her elbow. "Officer," She greeted, an invitation clear in her tone.