Going Home To The Girl With The Pretty Name

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy had gotten an early start to the day. He'd left a sleeping Roma in his bed, which wasn't unusual. The day started off with a casual mapping of the area, followed by a quick patrol of another sector and returning to do a weapons inventory check to see how they were doing for bullets and which weapons needed repairs. By the time all that was done . . . it was already afternoon. Bellamy was currently in the garage, looking over a few things when another Arker approached him. She asked about his plans for the evening and he questioned her reasons. He was rather oblivious to the implications associated with them, and he hadn't really considered it.

She became a bit more clear, and that was when Bellamy informed her with the honest response that he had plans with Roma that night. It was one simple question from the woman that caused him to freeze. "Is she your girlfriend?" The question. The word. He and Roma had never had a conversation about their relationship. They just . . . were together. They spent most nights together, and Bellamy hadn't slept with anyone else. The realization that he had no interest in anyone else also hitting him hard right now. Bellamy had been very stubborn when it came to developing any sort of long term committment to any single partner. It wasn't out of his inability to. Fidelity was never an issue.

No. It was more so the undeserving feeling that went along with having someone like thatn in his life. The fear of losing them. The need for a conversation with Roma suddenly overwhelmed him as he abruptly dismissed himself from the current one and made his way back to his apartment. He entered, closing the door behind him and just standing there. He noticed her clothes on the side, some of her things on the table. Son of a bitch . . . were they living together too?! Panic struck Bellamy, not having noticed how casually integrated Roma had become into his life. It felt so comfortable; so natural. "Roma?" He asked as he took a few steps toward the bed, needing her to wake up, though had no idea what he was actually going to say to her when she did.

[Roma Bragg]

Roma woke up alone, but that wasn't new. Bellamy often started the day before she did--and as she kept him up late she often slept in to make up for it. Smiling she got up, dressed and out to the garden where she worked a short shift. As a farm station girl, she found her place here--which was ironic as she had tried really hard to escape it. After mount weather though, she had found comfort in what she had knew. Sometimes she hated it, she hated the dirt and the hard work, but the first few months on the ground had helped her over come that by miles.

After a morning of work, she showered and then went back to to bed, not even thinking how she always went back to Blake's bed. It had been so long since she even went to her own bed. Curling in naked, she would just let him find her that way. That was always fun. The blanket draped over her hips, but her back was bare as she layed on her belly. Sometime later she was awakened with her name rather then a kiss. "Roma?" Blinking awake, she smiled a sleepy smile before rolling over to her side and propping up on her elbow. "Officer," She greeted, an invitation clear in her tone.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy's gaze was locked onto her . . . though not for the reasons it usually was. Though, it was quite difficult to do when she was in such a state of undress, putting herself on display like that . . . speaking to him in that tone. His eyes began to drift from her face, lingering over her body, before quickly and abruptly snapping out of it. No! This was the exact problem. The fact that she was in his bed. The fact that they shared a bed practically ever night. A problem. It didn't feel like one. It felt incredible, to be able to hold her . . . to see her when he woke up.

To look forward to spending time with her. It was all just so . . . right. Which made it wrong. He couldn't endanger anyone. He couldn't afford himself the luxury of being with someone. It wasn't fair. Without an explanation of this thought process, he moved to start picking up her clothing and once he had the articles, he tossed them at her. "Get dressed. You need to leave." She needed to go. The familiarity of this situation was strong, having done it on the Ark.

His words now were equally abrupt, though not as . . . emotionally broken. His mind was racing, unable to sort out all the emotions coursing through him right now. Waiting for her to do that, he started to gather her belongings from the table, putting them in one large pile, as if purging his apartment of all things Roma -- Roma included -- would disallow any acknowledgment of them being in a relationship. They couldn't be. And yet he knew, everything that they were . . . screamed differently.

[Roma Bragg]

Bellamy's eyes moved over her--or started too before something passed in them and he grabbed her clothes and tossed them at her. "Get dressed. You need to leave." He said, while starting to move her things around and . . . was he piling her shit up? Roma didn't move at first, ad his voice from before came back to her. "You should go." Her heart beat in a painful rhythm, as she begun to process what he was telling her. Only this time it was worse because she knew there was nothing leading up too it. Then again, the last time she hadn't thought there was either until he had FUCKING KICKED HER OUT OF HIS BED!

Sitting up slowly, Roma pulled on her shirt. Shirt, it was humiliating to be kicked out of someone's bed--and the second time around only made it worse. Pulling on her pants she stood up, still in a bit of shock as she stared at him. What was happening Here? Was this a joke? Like some joke where she walked out and there was a sign that said something sickeningly sweet and pointless? "Bellamy . . . . what the hell?" She asked in a confussed tone, needing him to spell it out to her. Was he . . . . was he about to kick her out of his bed twice?

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy hated himself for this as much as he did the first time he had to kick her out. When he got too close, he needed to do it. Oddly enough, he kept getting too close to her. He hadn't even realized how naturally they'd fallen into a similar pattern down here as they had on the Ark. Only here, it felt stronger. More intense. More serious. More committment. More . . . just, more. With her dressed, he moved her things into a bag and then stepped toward the door, promptly opening it in expectancy for her to leave.

He couldn't look at her in this moment. He just stood there, at the door, holding it open . . . waiting for her to leave and dreading it all the same. This was not what he wanted. But it was who he needed to be. He had failed so many loved ones. Failing Roma would destroy him. Admitting how he truly felt about her, would only put her life in danger. It was easier to hate him, than to love him.

And right now . . . he knew his actions could very well lead to the former in regards to Roma's feelings toward him. He wouldn't blame her. Hell, part of him was trying to sabatoge this, just as he had on the Ark when she'd gotten too close to him. When he'd allowed her to become too close to him. His responsibilities on the ground wee different than they were up there, but that didn't mean he could still allow himself the happiness that Roma seemed to grant him. The only one who had ever granted him a semblance of serenity.

[Roma Bragg]

He said nothing. NOTHING! Roma shifted her feet for a moment while waiting but the longer he said nothing the more she realized the bastard was doing it to her again! "You're shitting me!" She yelled at him, staring him down! Oh course though, he wouldn't look at her! No! Not Bellamy fucking Blake! "You ass hat! Really? Again!? Like what . . . the first time wasn't fun enough?!" She reached over for the first thing she could find--a book about something or some old crap! She didn't care! It was heavy! Roma chucked it at his head! Before waiting to see if landed she grabbed a boot and sent it following him! "Don't even look at me while you do it! Just stand there and expect me to crawl out out of your bed AGAIN with no pride, and---" A broken heart! OH SHIT! HE'D DONE THAT AGAIN TOO!

Roma took a deep breath when she realized that she wasn't hurt because he was kicking her out, but because he was leaving her. The hurt fueled her anger. She turned to grab something else and threw it too. Walking up to him she tried to push at him wishing she could slam him against the walls and hurt him like he hurt her! She knew they had different feelings for each other and she hadn't cared! He was honest with her and had given her what he could and she had loved it! BUT THIS! THIS WAS BULL SHIT! "Go float yourself, Blake!" She yelled and grabbed some of her stuff, only to throw that at him too. Anything she passed on the way out--a chair, the table, anything, it got flipped over or pushed at him. She was pissed!

Once she was out of the room, she started running down the hall. She had not even bothered picking up the rest of her clothes or even her shoes. She would ask Alice to go get it later! Right now she was humiliated and heart broken and pissed as hell! She just wanted away from him!

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She was angry. Understandably so. He hated himself for this, yet knew it had to be done. Or maybe it didn't. He just . . . didn't know anything anymore. The implications of their relationship was overwhelming. She needed to leave. For her own good, she needed to leave. But she sure as hell wasn't going easy. Which was once again, understandable. He deserved her anger for what he was doing. Against what his heart desired. He was often a man who acted on emotions . . . and right now, wasn't entirely an exception. He just knew that his heart wanted her, while it couldn't bare to lose the. The fear was currently trumping the desire.

Whether that would change once he had time to calm down and assess the situation, he didn't know. For the time being, she just needed to leave. That was when things started flying. She flung a book at him, which he managed to duck away from. But the boot hit him in the face, leaving him stunned for a moment, however quickly recovering. She left a path of destruction in her exit, flipping whatever furniture she could move, throwing her things at him along with whatever else she could manage. He still didn't say a word, still hardly looked at her. He just . . . needed her to leave.

And at the same time, needed her to stay. He was confused, conflicted. Every moment of her anger, only making him loathe himself even more. He struggled to coem to terms with everything he had done, all those he had killed . . . and hurting Roma would be among that. When she left he immediately shut the door, leaning against it as he ran his hand over his face. He didn't care about the mess. He didn't care about the quickly forming bruise on his face. He only cared about how right now, his heart heart at the realization of what he had just done to her. It was for her own good; her own protection. But . . . why did he always hurt the people he loved.

[Roma Bragg]

The first night, a heart broken Roma cried. Someone had gone and got her stuff from Bellamy, but he still had a free small things at her place that she had either worn back or in the rare times they had stayed here were left. One of these things was his shirt. She had a few of his things piled up to give him back..... or throw at him. She wasn't sure which. Not on that first night.

She would figure it out her second night, when she would burn it. Roma was nothing if not vengeful about carrying a few of his things to the fire pit and tossing what she could in one at a time. Miller, Bellamy's annoyingly loyal friend, stopped her from burning the rest and she assumed he took the test back to Bellamy. Roma called him a sheep. She didn't blame Miller, but that second night she had been done crying and all she had was her anger.

Her next few days passed with a pattern, with her going to work her shift in the morning, and staying home the rest. Roma had never liked staying home, she had always been a social creature! Going out and seeing people, and in turn being see by people, was who she was. She liked to go out and talk, gossip, and flirt! When she spent to long alone or in her own head she didn't feel good. Yet, just as she had last time he'd kicked her naked out of bed, she'd not felt like going out. It hurt to admit, but she missed him. She had never followed the complicated plots of his books, but when he read the boring things allowed she had loved the timber and tone of his voice. She missed stealing good jacket when she got cold and they were hanging out at the fire pit at night. She missed when it was just them, and he'd make her laugh. She missed making him laugh!

Yet, Roma was prideful, and not in a present way, so she'd cut her hair before admitting anything.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The next few days had been difficult . . . to say the least. He had thrown himself into work which, didn't exactly help give him the necessary attention that the situation with Roma required. If, there was a situation. This was the second time he had made her leave . . . because it was the second time she had gotten too close. It terrified him. Losing her terrified him. But, not being with her . . . felt worse. The acknowledgement of what they were had caused him to react the way he had . . . causing him to reject it rather than embrace it. Bryan had come to him between all this to explain what she was doing and Bellamy could hardly say he was surprised.

He deserved more than just his shirt getting burned. The days that went by in her absence were difficult. He realized just how emotionally dependent he had become on Roma, whether either of them realized it or not. Her company had provided him with an ease and comfort he never thought possible after Mount Weather. Holding her in his arms every night, talking to her, making love to her . . . she had become his sanctuary. And he had hurt her because of the fear of hurting her. It had been a few days until he finally sorted himself out. Much like he had on the Ark when requesting to meet with her to apologize. Only this time, was different. On the Ark, he had never indicated that they had a future together. He had said the same thing to her when they came on the ground.

But this time . . . he wanted it to be different. This time, he wanted to be with her. Officially. Now whether she would allow him that chance, he couldn't confirm. He had hurt her so many times and yet the risk of hurting her more if she gave him the chance to be with her again was also quite great. He wasn't used to this. Being in a relationship. Being commitment. But it felt so easy with the right person. It felt so easy with her. He found her in the garden, hard a work as approached her. "Can we talk in private?" He asked. With how he had heard she reacted from Bryan -- burning his things -- he didn't want to make a big public scene right now. Besides, this was a conversation better had without prying ears and wandering eyes. He wanted to talk to just her.

[Roma Bragg]

Roma was kneeling on the ground while pulling up a cabbage. She lifted a hand to wipe her face, and she could feel the dirt on her skin. This was the part she hated! With the real source of her anger not before her, she took it out on the dirt. After her temper tantrum, she stood up just as a voice came from behind her. "Can we talk in private?" NNNNNOOOOO!! Roma felt herself grow still from the audacity that he had to walk up and ask to speak with her after refusing to even look at her! She knew him too well to call him a coward but in that moment he had acted like one! She wasn't a violent girl, but he made her want to hit him! Hurt him the way he wouldn't let anyone get close enough to hurt him! Only his sister!

Slowly she turned to look at him. Yeah, she'd missed him . . . but he was closer now, and a cabbage wasn't as heavy or hard to throw as a book! Roma was surprised at how easy it was the throw--Maybe she was getting better throw practice. Her eyes looked around to see if anyone saw her, cause just as Roma loved people watching her get the guy--she wanted her vengeance seen as well. "I've nothing to say to you!" She bit out and turned to walk away, but she only made it a half dozen steps before spinning around and storming up to him. "You know what! I do have a few things to say to you!" She hissed out, "You owe me a damn explanation, Blake!" Her finger pointed at him, and she wanted to do something to shake his unwavering calm that Bellamy always seemed to wear! He walked around with his stupid jacket on like it was armor that would protect him from more then just an attack but from feeling! She had thought--foolishly--that she got to see under that but apparently she didn't know shit cause right when she had thought things were good, he was moving on!

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy had to admit that he hadn't expected for anything else to be launched at him . . . least of all a cabbage. So when she threw the ball of a vegetable at him, he took it, letting it bounce off his head. It didn't really hurt, and he looked at it as it fell to the ground. His eyes met Roma's once more when she spoke of how she had nothing to say to him before starting to walk away. Bellamy wasn't going to let it go, but it seemed that he didn't have to try to convince her for she stormed back to him and demanded an explanation.

His eyes locked onto hers, ignoring the possible onlookers to this scene. "You're right," he agreed. He did owe her an explanation, and more. "But not here," he added on, returning to his initial statement about going somewhere private. "Let's go to your place." Not for reasons they may have days ago. But to just talk. Despite the fact that he had once had some things at her place before, he didn't need to worry about seeing them now.

Bryan had returned most of it . . . with the exception of his burned shirt. Which was why he wore the one he was clad in now. A darker color, black, contrasting with his former tan colored one. It blended with his jacket, though the shirt was even a darker shade, more form fitting around the sleeves especially, with just enough of a loose fit to give him ease of movement. Yeah. It was safest not to remove any of his clothing in her apartment anymore. Not until they talked things out.

[Roma Bragg]

Well at least he was looking at her now! Whatever had gone through his head the other day where he wouldn't even look at her was gone! Roma shifted her weight backwards as she stepped a few steps from him, with her hands on her hips. Her body almost vibrated with the anger that come off her. And it wasn't that she was an angry person! She wasn't! She was hurt! But she wasn't the type to fall into a depression when her heart was broken. She wasn't the type to pine over the man who'd never love her, or wear her broken heart openly with tears on her eyes. She directed everything else she felt into the only emotion she knew how to handle--anger. The humiliation of rejection. The broken heartedness of being cast out. The missing what she might have never had. It all channeled into her anger. "You're right," That she knew! "But not here," The hell she was going back to his place ever again! Her eyes flashed daggers at him, until he spoke again. "Let's go to your place." Her place! Right! Cause she wasn't going to ruin her stuff by aiming it at him!

Giving him a wide side step she walked past him to the bucket of water and washed off her hands, rubbing at the dirt on her face too, before drying them both. Part of her wished she was in a damn dress so he could see what he was never getting again, but she wasn't about to dress up for him now! No matter how hot he still looked in that jacket and shirt that was just on the edge of too tight and his stupid hair, and his stupid face!

Roma turned from the water and started walking to the fallen Ark which now housed a lot of the single room homes. One of which was her own. Mostly unused until recently, but she had still made it look like home. The trips to mount weather had collected clothes, and other things needed, and Roma had collected what she could. She said nothing until she got to her place, and pushed open the door. He could shut it behind him. Roma moved to stand toward the back of the room, hoping he'd stay at the door. This was a smaller room, and there was no table int he middle, only a fold out one from the wall, which was tucked up right now. The bed was along the side, and the rest of her place had rope going from wall to wall and clothes that she had gotten hung from it. She stared at him, expectantly. Waiting. . . . . No! The hell she was waiting on him! "Twice, Bellamy! Like it wasn't even an original move!" At least he hadn't taken her first this time!

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She moved past him toward the water, and Bellamy half expected her to dump that on him too. But she didn't. She only washed off her hands and then began to walk inside. He followed, knowing that was her cue to accepting his suggestion. Otherwise, she would keep yelling at him. The walk there was silent, as was to be expected. When they got inside he stepped in after her, closingt he door behind him though remained right near it. He didn't move closer to her, or anywhere else in her apartment. She pointed out the frequency in which he did this, and she was right. Twice he had done it. Both times he had hurt her. She didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve her. Yet here he was, to explain things.

To finally give that explanation he had forever failed in giving since he kicked her out of his apartment on the Ark. He didn't say anything for a few long moments, trying to find the words as his gaze looked intently onto the floor; as if it held all the answers. "You scare me Roma," he began to say as he lifted his gaze to meet her face. She scared him. Not because she threw books, boots and cabbages at his head. Not because she burned his things. Not because of her anger and wrath. No. None of those things were what elicited this fear. "My whole life has been about protecting the people that I care about." The people that he loves. Octavia, his mother, the delinquents, and now the Arkers. "I could never let myself be with anyone because of it." Reasons that went far beyond his realm of capability in explaining them. Though perhaps it would come up. Right now, he needed to explain the most pressing issue . . . the reason he had kicked her out.

An admittance of fear wasn't exactly a common occurrence for Bellamy. But she deserved the truth. The whole truth. "And then you came along." A woman who he had found comfort and peace with. A woman who understood his boundaries, yet was with him anyway. A woman who didn't see him as a monster, or blame him for all his horrific actions. A woman who never made him feel worthless or like a monster that he knew he was. "And it just, scares me. At how easy and comfortable and . . . natural it feels to be with you." How wonderful. How incredible. He didn't deserve to experience those things with anyone, robbing an entire population of their lives. "Because I don't ever want to lose you." That was where the fear stemmed from; losing her. Because hers was a loss he would not recover from. He fell silent once more, unsure how she would react to these words, and wondered if he should be prepared to leave, duck, or if she was willing to give him another chance.

[Roma Bragg]

He didn't look at her at first, but when he started speaking he did. She hated it when he didn't look at her, she had never seen him not look at someone until he did it too her. "You scare me Roma," For a moment her face froze, and shifted to surprise. She didn't believe him, but hearing him say it surprised her. He faced down 100 grounders at once! Went into Mount Weather alone! The hell her throwing a book at his head was going to do anything but annoy him! "My whole life has been about protecting the people that I care about." Her brows bent, the anger returned. Back to his sister. It was always about his sister! She knew he loved her, and she envied that (not the relationship specifically, but the general idea that someone could love someone so much they'd shoot a chancellor and go to Earth for them); while she didn't believe in fairy tales, that was the close as she had ever seen.

"I could never let myself be with anyone because of it." This she knew. She even understood why on the Ark he couldn't be with anyone! The secret had literally gotten his mother killed, and them sent to Earth. "And then you came along." That caused her to grow still once again, and just stare at him. She hadn't expected that. That suggested things. And apart of her was angry at the suggestion, and the other part hurt rather then joyful, which is what she would have been last week if he said the same words to her. "And it just, scares me. At how easy and comfortable and . . . natural it feels to be with you." She knew the feeling. He didn't scare her--or well he didn't, he did now since she knew how easily he could and would hurt her--but the comfortable part. The natural part.

Roma's eyes lowered, as she didn't look at him as he spoke. She hadn't liked who she was on the Ark, and had used him (and others) to try to get ahead, and be someone else. Yet, it had changed. She had stopped using him, and just started being with him. It had gone from her enjoying an officer, to her having fun with Bellamy. He had even become more important then her changing who she was; and the day she realized it was the day he kicked her out! "Because I don't ever want to lose you." Her eyes closed at his words, because they hurt to hear.

He cared about her . . . and he'd done it anyway. That made this whole thing worse, rather then better. She looked to the side wall, trying to think of something to say, before she could force herself to look back up at him. "I know I am a bit slow sometimes, but the logic just isn't there, Bellamy." She told him, and while her voice was angry, it wasn't yelling. A slight improvement. "Where I come from when you don't want to lose something, you do things to protect it . . . like facing your fear of the woods to go help find it's sister . . . not humiliate it by kicking it from your bed, and out of your life . . . twice."

"I have always played by the rules you set between us. I never bitched about wanting more, I was accommodating. . . . But the difference is, when I broke the rules and fell in love with you, I stood by you and enjoyed what we had . . .. You got attached and decided the best way to deal with was to kick me out! That don't say I don't want too lose you."

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He listened intently to every single word she told him. And he knew she was right. A person's experiences shaped who they were, what they did. It was difficult for him, to go into the deeply rooted reasons that he had done what he had. But it was one thing she said, that caused all else to momentarily pause. She fell in love with him. He took a moment to just absorb the words. He had never been told them like this; he had never allowed anyone to say them to him. It was bittersweet . . . more sweet than bitter though. She loved him.

Just like he loved her. That was what had prompted his initial freak out. The acknowledgment of his true feelings for her. The intensity of them. The power of them. And they were mutual. For her own sake, he wanted to tell her that she shouldn't love him. That he was so undeserving of it. But he was being selfish, just as he had been every second of every day they were together. Just as he had been when they found one another on the Ground again and enjoyed a purely physical relationship. It had always been more than that though. How could it not be with the history they had on the Ark.

He remained quiet, processing her words, not dismissing what she said, but responding to them in the only way he knew how. "You're right," he began. "I got attached, and I kicked you out." There was no pride in his voice. Merely acceptance of the wrong doing of it. How he poorly he had handled it. "I'm, not an easy person to be with." That was a damn understatement, but he was going somewhere with it. Not as justification for his actions, but as further explanation. "I've . . . done things. Things that make me a monster." He wasn't looking for sympathy, and could feel his eyes starting to moist at the mere thought and recognition of it all. The emotional conversation was starting to take its toll. Though he not dare let anything spill. He still had to keep it under control, the tears merely a glisten for now.

"People justify it for me. Tell me I did what I had to do, but that doesn't change the fact that I did it." And he had to live with the burden of it. "I found peace with you. Something I never thought possible." He had forever believed his soul to be condemned. While his guilt would never vanish, he had found the will to move on; he had found heaven in this world of hell. In Roma. "Something I don't deserve." He didn't do this for her to tell him he deserved it. Anyone who told him that would be words never accepted by him. "I hurt the people I love." He hurt them, he let them get hurt . . . physically, and emotionally. "And I'm scared for what that means for you." He paused, his jaw clenching in emotion as he looked at her, these words never spoken in his life. Hell, never felt in his life in the way he felt them for Roma. "Because I love you."