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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 18, 2015 18:35:13 GMT
“Neither am I.” Clarke pointed out. It was a great admission for her, because now that they were this close together, she knew she had not been in love. She had crushes, including one on him, but she wasn’t in love. Not with Finn or Lexa. But with him, this could only be love, right? This feeling she might die if something happened to him, this panic she felt for so long now, the tears she felt at the mere thought of losing him – very real tears. Damn it. Clarke wiped them away with her hand, before snuggling just a little closer again, knowing he would keep the nightmares at bay again this night.
“I have some things to work on, again. To settle people properly into the camp.” Though she’d never admit that the people she wanted to settle in properly was them themselves. He’d not be for it, would he? This was Bellamy. He’d be all for helping the others, but not themselves. But if they were to stay here and settle here and help the others, it was okay for them to just make a home for themselves. And she would do that. This provisional tent would turn into their home very soon. They needed it. And she had ideas for it as well.“I think we should sleep.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 18, 2015 17:43:10 GMT
He was on to something. He really was on to something good there. House arrest could work. It was similar to her being locked up on the Ark, she knew, but rules had to exist, they just proved that and she killed someone. To be exact she killer her best friend, the friend she knew since birth. They exchanged their first kiss before they could even walk, as babies, innocent and motivated entirely by their parents, who found that super cute and adorable. And to be honest, it was adorable. Clarke had seen a video of it. “That’s a good idea. We could set her up in the third level. We can separate a small area there, for her and have her supervised or locked up if needs be.” Charlotte didn’t need to die. They didn’t need to kill like on the Ark, this was good.
“It won’t bring Wells back, though.” She would be willing to forgive her instantly if it brought Wells back, but nothing could. She just forgave him, finding out about her mothers lies, and now he was gone and he was never coming back. Even in her anger, she never wanted him to die. “She killed Wells:” Clarke began as she realized the pain in her chest, paired with the pain in her neck and in her heart had sent tears to her eyes. “She ended his life. I don’t even know a life without him. Up until I got arrested, he was always there. He was just down the hall. I could come to him with anything. He could come to me with anything. She killed him.”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 18, 2015 16:26:41 GMT
It just took the right woman. That stung, though it shouldn’t. Clarke knew she shouldn’t feel anything but joy at him having a girlfriend, someone to love him and hold and comfort him. Maybe it was her minds situation doing this to her. Maybe it was just the effects of the stress feeling this slightly possessive thing that hurt her now, thought it shouldn’t. He was in love. It was a beautiful thing and if she captured his heart, actually captured this kind hearted and brave mans heart, she must be a good person. If she wasn’t Octavia would give her hell. Like Bellamy was protective of O, she was protective of him. It was adorable to see and it had given her a lot of comfort out there.
“Bellamy, it was my fault, wasn’t it? I know you.” She had known him for about two months before she left for around the same time. A man could not change that much in such a short time. Then again, he had turned around because he had a reason to. He started to care for others, but Clarke was sure he would not go back on that, having a girlfriend was a sign of it. He cared and he finally allowed people to care about him in return, in a way he hadn’t before. She was proud of him in this case. She was proud of him in so many cases. He saved their people. He protected them. He risked his life more than once for them. She wanted to make him feel how proud she felt of him for all that, but she knew she couldn’t. She couldn’t even verbalize it, not anymore. “I want to, Bellamy, okay? I don’t want the possibility of me standing between you and your girlfriend to exist. And knowing you, you’ll want to be there for me during the bad times. She will notice that. So I want to explain to her. Unless you have other ideas of formally introducing us, when I’m clear and she’s…. well not in the mood she’s been in.” Clarke grinned. “Bellamy’s got a girlfriend!”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 17, 2015 22:36:05 GMT
At first Clarke intended to reply, yet the kiss soon enough cut her off. It started out as the softest kiss she ever felt, even softer than the kiss with Lexa and leagues softer than the kiss with Finn. But it reinforced her realization, that she didn’t need it. She didn’t need any change in their relationship. It was welcome, it was brilliant, it made her feel warm and beautiful and safe and so good inside. But in the end, just being close to him could do that. She wouldn’t have needed him to kiss her, but this was so good. For this moment, for the duration of this deepening kiss, Clarke was just Clarke. She could feel remnants of the carefree medical apprentice inside her as well as the warrior she had become in a way. She felt almost whole and that was his doing, not her own.
Clarke scooted even closer into his arms, losing herself further into the kiss until she had to break it off. Unfortunately even here on the ground she had to breathe. But she didn’t pull away. She leaned her forehead against his and stared into his eyes, finally deciding to really address what he said just before he kissed her. “You’re more experienced at kissing than I am.” She admitted as an explanation. Kisses were rare, even while Finn was there. And she had good reason to avoid kissing him in the end. He had played her and Raven against each other. But that didn’t matter now. Clarke now had a good reason for her plans in the morning. “What do you plan on doing tomorrow?”
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 17, 2015 20:06:50 GMT
Clarke felt her hands clench at his actions. What was he doing? What was the meaning of this? A kiss to her forehead, kisses to her cheeks. Why, if he wanted to kiss her? She didn’t get it, but then again maybe it was better that way. Why should she understand everything? This was love. Love was unfamiliar to her. What did she know about love? She had Finn. She had this thing with Lexa, but this was different. Finn had never been interested in her as a person, had he? He was guided by his need, and his views. To him her and Raven were a bit of possessions, though Clarke defied this idea. She liked him, she thought she loved him, but in the end all he brought her was pain in one form or another. Love should look different, right?
Clarke managed to smile softly, hopefully being all the encouragement he would need as her mind wandered to someone else. Lexa. She had told her she wasn’t ready for a relationship. What had changed? Why was she ready for Bellamy to take this step with her? Because she was taking no step with him. She had favored him and protected him like a loved before. This was no step. It was just… putting a name to things they had felt before, right? Did that make sense. “Just kiss me already, Bellamy. What are you waiting for?”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 17, 2015 17:18:32 GMT
Mel… Mel. The girl he, Murphy, Finn and Monroe had saved, the only survivor not only from her crew, but from Mecha station when it came down. Clarke had met her briefly before she left. From what she knew of her then, she was a good young woman, kind and very caring. While Clarke didn’t know Bellamys type, she knew he had only had One Night Stands down here on earth. And now he apparently had a relationship while she was gone, still had it, as it seemed. Bellamy honest to god had a girlfriend. Part of it felt like he had shoved a knife into her, part of it made her almost giddy with excitement, because while she was gone, it seemed like he was healing, probably also with Mels help.- This was actually great news.
“Bellamy Blake has a girlfriends. A thing I never thought I’d see given how … frequent female visitors used to be in your tent in the beginning.” And now he was in a relationship, though it seemed like last night might have created a bit of a problem for them, as she appeared to have been less than impressed with him. And it was Clarkes fault, she knew that. “Last night… will she be too pissed? I didn’t mean to… make things bad for you and your girlfriend. I could speak to her and explain what’s going on with me.” Even if she hated to even speak of it to begin with. Maybe he should not let her around Mel anyway, especially not when she was in bad shape.
Bellamy Blake
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 17, 2015 17:07:29 GMT
As they kept rocking against each other, Clarke found it easier to move with him, to realize those small cues he was giving her and so it was easier for her to reach behind her to steady herself as he moved her to lie back on her back. Once again she welcomed the uneven ground under her, the sticks digging into her skin, adding just this little layer of pain she needed. Clarke was far from being experienced with sex, but right now she just knew what she needed: She needed this layer of pain, anything that really made her feel alive out here, apart from him pumping in and out of her at a steady rhythm, but it was not enough yet. She needed more. It was as if he read her mind, though the action itself was unfamiliar and new to her. With a man like Bellamy the shortcomings of her previous partners were glaringly obvious. Here she was, basically having given him permission to just use her, it was what she wanted, but here he was, reaching between them, setting fire to her that she could not anticipate.
“What… the hell?” she pressed out, barely thinking straight. There was so much she wanted to say, a warning that she would not last much longer if he kept that up. It was another sign at how good he was. Instead of adding another verbal cue she scratched his back. This man was driving her insane and reminding her alive with every second he devoured her. “God you… you’re too much.” Or not enough or. Clarkes mind gave in. Pure pleasure cursed through her, exploded in her. A scream escaped her just before she fell apart, shivering, writhing underneath Bellamy.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 17, 2015 1:00:12 GMT
He wanted to kiss her… Clarke stared at him like he just said he was a giant magical green stone ready to turn into a troll or something. The concept of kissing him hadn’t even come to her mind. Their relationship had been so…. Good and natural that any change of it, apart from what had occurred had been far from her mind. Not even the good dreams and what if scenarios in her mind featured anything more than him holding her in his strong arms where she felt infinitely safe. Those instances where he held her, however briefly were the moments she felt the safest. She felt like nothing could touch her. The night he held her in his arms was the one night she was spared of dreams of the deceased, of the people she killed, no, they killed.
“Only if you come into bed.” She demanded. Their beds were basically one with how close they were anyway, so it was an easy demand to make. Clarke would refuse to lower her blanket until he was in bed, resting right next to her where he belonged this night. He needed rest, just like she did. Slowly she moved to shimmy out of her pants and shirt, down to her underwear in which she slept since she didn’t exactly have any pajamas anymore. Another thing she would have to change in the morning. This tent had been built in need, very quickly and without too much care for long time living. Clarke intended to change that in the morning. Her tasks would remain inside. Finally, once ready for bed, she peaked back out under the blanket, finally pulling it down so he could clearly see her blush. Before she or he could do anything, though, she untangled herself from the blanket to place herself under it properly.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 16, 2015 22:45:16 GMT
The bed was, by far the best thing right now. After this long day she now felt the urge to just close her eyes and sleep even though they weren’t done with the conversation yet, at least she felt like they weren’t yet done with it. Clarke knew she should not curl up under the covers, because it was so tempting to just allow herself to sleep. Then again sleep was scary and her body clearly needed it. Part of her knew she should let it happen. Still she wanted to know what he would say to her confession. Now he had all the knowledge he needed, she finally got to say what she wanted to say. Now he would tell her how that would not change anything. How she was enough to be his friend maybe, but for more? No, never. She was too damaged, probably too privileged and what not. Generally she was just too broken. Clarke didn’t know how to respond as he placed his hand on her shoulder. She expected his words now. He didn’t mean it like that. This would change nothing in their friendship, she didn’t even know how he would word it. All she knew was she wanted contact with her. He pulled the blanket down, revealing her face when all she wanted to do was to hide her bloodshot eyes and all the tears that would follow once he rejected her – again.
It never came. He said something else. He said he loved her. Again. He actually said that. For a moment she just didn’t move. She didn’t want to move as his words sunk in. This could not be real, right? Bellamy could not actually want her. He… she looked at him, finally, her eyes swimming with tears, some falling already again. This… was so much. “I…” her voice broke. She needed courage for this, but she was so tired. Clarke gasped, her mouth open like a fishs, before finally pressing the words out, all the while trembling. “I love you, too. I…” This time she moved fast as she felt the heat in her cheeks coming on. She could not let him see her blus. She grabbed her blanket back and pulled it up to her eyes again, trying to hide her blush – but probably failing as usually her entire damn face lit up red like a light.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 16, 2015 20:49:12 GMT
He still wanted to go through this with her. In truth she wanted nothing more than that. She shouldn’t have left. It was egoistical and it solved exactly nothing for either of them, or at least not for her. For her things were just pushed back and she was stuck in denial for so long that her mind got this weird. It was her own fault. And he still wanted to go through this with her. Clarke felt deep gratitude for Bellamy, for how he took her back like this. She also felt shame for what she did. All of this was her fault, she knew. Somehow she would make it up to him. Somehow she would get him to feel how grateful she was for his support and friendship. He was the one person, whose forgiveness she really needed. She would work for that, for real forgiveness, not the general one he was giving her, not that she thought it was less real. She just wanted to be and feel worthy of it.
“I would love that, Bellamy. I… learned out there that I shouldn’t have left. That I need you by my side to heal and that I need to know you’re okay in order to heal.” She wanted to heal. She wanted to learn to deal with those demons, with those voices and the urges, with the bouts of craziness. She just wanted to learn to live again, to be okay with herself again and to be a good friend again. As such, she needed to push back the insane jealousy she had felt for this other girl. She left him for months, who was she to blame him for having relationships? If it helped him, she should encourage them. “Now… I don’t think we should focus on the heavy conversations. I want to know all about the girl. Is she your girlfriend? Who is she? Tell me everything.”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 16, 2015 19:32:13 GMT
“I didn’t mean to imply they should marry any time soon. Your sister is what? Only 16 or 17, she’s not allowed yet and certainly not without your consent. The underage thing. She can wait the last year. I don’t he’ll leave her anytime soon.” They had been through so much already. A marriage might be just a formality for the two for them as well, just like for them. Life was about more than just signed papers. But in terms of legality and peoples ability to tear them apart, they still needed those papers, especially her and Bellamy. They were together, but not openly, not yet. The marriage in this case was to protect themselves and each other.
“And they don’t have to hide anything. Everyone knows they love each other. Nobody is against it or well those who are, are too scared of either her or Lincoln to speak up. Your sister is fine.” Clarke started to draw a little invisible landscape on his chest. She did that sometimes when she started to dream. Right now her mind was going back to the Ark and a certain man in her life. He would have loved to be at her wedding. He would have loved Bellamy, Clarke was sure of it. He’d see what a good man he was and love Bellamy like a son. Yeah, Bellamy would have been able and encouraged to call her father Dad as well, especially if he found out his own father wasn’t around for long. “You know my Dad would have adored you, Bellamy. He would have probably been your biggest fan ever.”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 16, 2015 18:11:51 GMT
Clarke finally looked up at him again. It seemed he understood as little as she did. Then again this was not something that was easy to understand. It was something they could afford not understanding or maybe they couldn’t. In this world death could be waiting for them around every corner. One of the people in here wanted to kill Bellamy. They weren’t safe anywhere. Politics, dangers, all of that killed so many people. Clarke herself had killed so many people. Every day was a fight for their life, one that she knew she would not win forever, because she had no reason to. Right now she held on, because with her life she could still protect others and if that should remain her only purpose so be it. But once her death would protect them, she’d gladly give her life and never look back on her decision, not that she could then. He really didn’t get it.
“Why do you think this is upsetting me? If I didn’t care about Bellamy, I would have shrugged it off like you did. I would have just nodded and moved on and never said anything. But this hurts. You’re…. this hurts, a lot. If you had let me say something then, I would have. You don’t get it, do you?” This was so frustrating. Neither of them could protect themselves from what they felt, it seemed. “It hurts because I love you, Bellamy. It hurts because I would have told you ‘I love you, too’, because I do. When you were in Mount Weather, do you want to know how Lexa got me to do things? By using you. Every decision she made me do, even the decision to let the bomb drop on Tondc and not evacuate has been in one way or another motivated by my need to keep you safe. She knew the way to get to me was through you, even you’re not there.” Clarke toed off her shoes. She really didn’t want to stay upright anymore. It was maybe an instinct, but Clarke just let herself fall to the side where she curled up, blanket hiding almost all of her now.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 16, 2015 15:28:35 GMT
“No it’s not… It’s not that.” Admitting to it was not the problem. How could it be? First he said it when he was out of it. Had he just brushed it off as him falling into a coma, she could have just gone on like that. Had he not remembered, she could have just gone on like that as well. But what happened between them was the problem. He said she was enough, but she couldn’t believe it. Not after what happened. At the same time this was Bellamy. He wouldn’t lie to her. He had no reason to lie to her. Clarke was so confused. Why could this not just make sense? Part of her just wanted to flop to the side and sleep, because she still felt so drained. But if she ran from this again, it would probably only create more tension and it would end up with her leaving the tent, if not the entire camp, because he was all that held her there at the moment.
“You were out of it, I… had you said you didn’t mean it, that you didn’t love me like that, I would have understood, but… you brushed it off like it just doesn’t matter and… what I had to say about that or what I felt about it didn’t matter at all.” Then again it really shouldn’t he made up his mind and that was it. Maybe she should go, give them space for a day or two before she could get back. Or maybe she should really just sleep. Instead she reached for the blanket to wrap it around herself. “If it’s not me, what is it? What’s the problem, Bellamy? You're usually the one person I understand and now... I can't anymore. Help me understand.”
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 16, 2015 14:15:31 GMT
It was getting harder by the hour. It was a heavier burden to carry with every passing minute. She had to juggle an alliance, had to try and keep her people in line towards the Grounders and make them eventually understand how to stay in line with them. But on top of it all Clarke Griffin hadn’t had a single moment to reflect on the things that happened. She had started seeing things, visions of a person long dead. Logically she knew she had to kill him. He would have suffered longer and worse than her killing him instantly. Clarke had operated with precision that day she killed Finn, because she could, because she had to. But it still felt like there was blood on her hands and however she tried, she could not wash it off. They were clean, logically, but emotionally this was an entirely different story. Finn was dead and she was forced to forge an alliance with the people who wanted his death. Right now she just needed a moment, a small moment away from everyone who could potentially want something from her.
The perfect room for it presented itself in the form of the one room where Murphy was cleaning. She knew she could just sit there, out of his way and people would never expect her there, because why would Clarke seek his company? She wasn’t, really, which was the entire point of it. Carefully avoiding the spots he already cleaned in, Clarke took a seat and placed it in a corner. She sat on it crossed legged, so she would be out of his way. Maybe she should say something, though. “If I’m in your way, tell me. I’ll go then.” Somewhere else, not that she thought she could find a better, more effective spot. She just wanted a little break.
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Post by Clarke Griffin on Sept 16, 2015 1:04:23 GMT
He made no sense. He made no sense to her anymore. She listened to what he said, tears still streaming down her face as she looked up at him, searching his face for any sign of him saying the truth or not. He seemed to say his truth, but it just didn’t make sense to her. She wasn’t enough for him to be with, but he spoke in words that suggested otherwise, but then it made no sense anymore. A lot of things didn’t make sense, but this was stressful. She didn’t want anything to be stressful. She wanted things to be normal, to make sense, at least between them. But he said she made him feel like he could breathe, that he wanted them to get through this together and that she should stay with him, when at the same time it appeared like he didn’t want her. Maybe he wanted to preserve the friendship they had. Maybe that could be saved then. But she… she just didn’t understand anymore and she didn’t know if it was because he made no sense anymore or if it was because she genuinely just couldn’t follow anymore. Maybe she was too broken to even understand that. Maybe it was all her. And maybe she should speak up. She would stay for him. He was probably the only person who could ask her to stay and make her stay now. If only she could understand. If… Clarke pushed herself a way. She needed the space. She needed to be able to run and turn around and to hold herself when she asked this. She walked to their joined beds – she had to change something about that in the morning, about position and all that. Clarke sat down on it.
“Why are you saying this, Bellamy? You… say this like I matter to you. You made it so clear that I’m not good enough to you, no matter what, so…. If this is just to make me stay… I don’t get it, what you want. I just want to understand what you want. I don’t understand.” And she wanted to. She wanted things to make sense. She needed things to make sense. Her life needed to make sense, when what she felt didn’t anymore, but it appeared like she was meant to have no control anymore. The lack of control drained her last bit of power. She felt weak, drained even, but after an outbreak like that, was that not to be expected. Now, though, she had started this conversation and she intended to go through with it as she wanted to understand. “What do you want from me? What do you expect from me? Who am I supposed to be for you?”
Bellamy Blake
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