Times Like These

[cherry1]

Raven laid down on the bed in medical but she couldn’t rest. She hated medical. It reminded her of the pain she’d endured to remove the bullet from her back. Finn had been there though, by her side. He was always there when she needed him. Her cuts had been cleaned and bandaged and she’d been strictly put on bed-rest by Abby. But how could she sleep when every time she closed her eyes she saw Finn’s lifeless body. She felt so angry at herself, Clarke and even Finn. Especially Finn. He’d been the only family she'd ever had and now he’d left her. She was alone. Raven tried to stop replaying the events in her mind but it was all she could think about. He’d always had her back and the one time he needed her she couldn’t save him. No, Clarke couldn’t save him. She’d begun to realise the alternative would’ve been worse but she needed someone to blame for now and Clarke seemed like a pretty safe bet.

What Raven really needed was a distraction. A guard Abby had stationed at the door was making it difficult for her to plan any kind of escape. She couldn’t stay here though. Not alone with her thoughts, it would drive her insane. She needed to get back to the radio. Their friends were still in Mount Weather and the radio was the only way they could ever make contact or get any kind of information about what was going on in there. At least this way she could work on saving people.

Raven sat up on the bed, trying to think of some kind of distraction to lure the guard away when she heard footsteps. Clarke easily walked past the guard and approached her inside. She was last person Raven wanted to see. Feeling the slight rise of a now too familiar feeling of anger, Raven sat up, hissing in pain. “What are you doing here Clarke?” She asked. “Need an ice pack for your face?” Raven added, referencing the blow to the face she’d inflicted on her. She tried to stand before grunting and sitting back down. She needed her brace but it was on the other side of the room. Damn Abby.


Tag: Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

In her time as medicinal apprentice Clarke had learned of many names for numbness, yet none of the applied right now. A lot of them included some form of injury, but for her there was no physical injury. It was something Clarke had not yet learned about, but knew about: Mental and emotional injuries. She knew of the existence of say, PTSD, but she could not really name everything belonging to it. Or any other sickness that went hand in hand with a situation like that. All she knew, given how she saw someone who was actually dead, she knew whatever numbness she felt was not due to a physical injury, but to one deep emotional one or maybe more than one.

Clarke moved to medical. She knew a few people who had injured themselves on the trek to and from places, she knew she needed to be equipped with a few things if she wanted to go back with the grounders for more negotiations eventually. This truce was overdue. They had to save the others. One person needed to give their life, but there was nothing around that. She had tried to spare him the torture, of course that didn’t meant everyones approval. She never expected that.

Clarke looked at Raven with empty eyes. She’d feel later. “This it medical. I can be here if I want.” She almost should have belonged here. Now everything was different. And more would happen. She just knew it. “For the punch? No. I need antibiotics and disinfectant in case something happens in TonDC. We never know Better save than sorry.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven could feel the tension in the room. Neither of them were particularly happy to see the other. There was too much hurt there, too many things being left unsaid. It was making her feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Her eyes kept darting towards her brace. She needed to leave. If she could just get to her damn brace. Raven supposed she could probably limp towards it, but she was too weak. And she’d probably end up falling. That was the last thing she needed, especially with Clarke in the room. It would probably end up tearing some of her stitches. And besides she didn’t want to appear weak in front of her. That’s why she refused to ask for her help. It was stupid but she was stubborn. So she stayed seated.

Raven physically winced when she heard Clarke mention TonDC. The pain of the cuts they’d unfairly inflicted on her was still fresh. Those barbarians were going to torture Finn. They were the reason he was dead. Her thoughts flashed to an image of Lexa, their commander. She felt the familiar rise of anger, but tried to control it. This was all for their friends in Mount Weather after all, it was worth it. It had to be worth it. “We never know, better safe than sorry.” Clarke; always a forward thinker. She didn’t even look sad, it was like nothing had happened. Like they hadn’t just burned Finn’s body. “You’re going now?” Raven asked. “Don’t you think you should stop for a second?” Didn’t this girl grieve? “We only just got back from Finn’s funeral.” Raven added, her voice cracking slightly on the last word. His funeral. It was still hard to believe. But Clarke was already thinking of their next move and it was infuriating.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke kept checking what they had, kept packing what she might or might not need. One way or another, she had to be ready, no matter when or what or how. It might happen all within a moments notice and then they had to strike, ready or not. Clarke needed this, to focus, to not let her mind stray. Medicine was logical. Politics less so. War even less so. She could handle the politics, it worked relatively well, but at the same time she really didn’t want to deal with it. She had to. For the others. In the end she could only try to hold on and see where it brought them. While she was there, she heard Raven. She heard her speak about Finns funeral and not stopping. How could she even think about stopping. Clarke put everything down.

She turned around to Raven, her face almost blank, empty. Emotion should be written all over her face, but she couldn’t let them out, not right now. Not in that way. She could say something. Clarkes voice was calm, no trace of accuse or anything but some practicality, but it was the content that gave her away. “No I shouldn’t. We need to get ready. We need to get this done.” She began. “Because if we don’t, we will probably have to go to the next funeral. This time it could be Bellamy. Or Jasper. Or Monty. Fox, Miller, Harper. Any of them. So no, I don’t think I should stop. I can stop when they’re safe.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Finn’s funeral and the pain it was causing her was written all over Raven’s face. She felt vulnerable, scared and most of all angry, and she made sure everyone around her damn well knew it. Sure, maybe the punch was a bit much, but she was angry and grieving so she wasn’t going to apologise for it any time soon. Raven watched Clarke drop the things she was carrying and turn to her. Perhaps what she said struck a nerve. Her face continued to show no emotion. But as Raven looked at her; really looked at her she noticed it was more than that. There was an emptiness in her expression that unnerved Raven. Even her voice as she continued was practical and logical, devoid of any emotion.

“I can stop when they’re safe.” That struck a chord with her and Raven looked down for a moment. It was easy for her to forget the role Clarke played in the fragile structure of their camp. She was their leader, and that meant she shouldered so much responsibility on her own, which was evident in the way she listed their names. Clarke was under the impression it was her sole responsibility to save everyone. But they were Raven’s friends too. Even Clarke was Raven’s friend, at least she used to be. That friendship was cracked probably beyond repair.

“You need to grieve too, you know,” she said looking up at Clarke. “You’re allowed to feel something Clarke, even if it’s just for a second.” Her voice raised slightly. “We’re going to save our people in Mount Weather.” Because they were her people too. “You’re not doing this alone. I’ll come with you.” Raven stood, one hand leaning on the bed to keep her steady. She would either go with her or go wherever Clarke asked her to. Either way she needed to work too. If Finn’s death was going to mean something then they were going to have to work together. Even if that meant Raven getting over her anger, which was easier said than done.

[Clarke Griffin]

“Love is weakness. There is no time to grieve.” Clarke repeated. It was words spoken by someone from whom she probably shouldn’t have taken any advice, but in this case it was right. She had to let go of love, to protect her people, to save her people, she had to risk it all without somehow losing herself and that was by trying not to allow for love to weaken her. She didn’t know how, but she tried, through constant action, constant motion. She couldn’t stop, otherwise her walls would break, she would break down and then she would be useless to her people. There was no way she could become useless to the people she loved. She needed to do something so she would not have to bury another of her closest friends. She didn’t want to go through that again. 

“No. You can’t come with me, Raven.” Clarke replied fast. She couldn’t allow it. “I mean… you can’t come. We need you here. You have the brain Raven. We need you here to make contact to Bellamy and to figure out how to disable the acid fog. You are needed here, more than I am needed. You need to stay here, please. I can’t help here, but you could save their lives with your knowledge. I do what I can, but I need to know you’re here to save them.” Clarke looked down, before forcing herself to smile at Raven. “And I need someone here to kick Kanes and my mothers asses into gear.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

“Love is weakness. There is no time to grieve.” Raven’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. That didn’t sound like the Clarke she knew. “Love is weakness? That’s bullshit.” Love wasn’t weakness. It was the only thing that was keeping her going. Her love for Finn was the only reason she even bothered to wake up. Sure it hurt like hell, but the knowledge that he loved her, even if it hadn’t been in the way she wanted, gave her the strength to carry on. The old Clarke knew that. A piece of them had died and they had to deal with it. It just so happened that Clarke’s way of dealing with it was just not dealing with it at all.

“No. You can’t come with me, Raven.” Well that was quick. Raven listened to her ask her to stay and help with Bellamy. He was going to be their inside man and she needed to figure out how they were going to contact each other and then of course how they were going to disable the fog. Her mind was already whirring with thoughts on how she was supposed to manage that. She wasn’t going to force herself on Clarke, but she couldn’t help but be a little afraid about what this new Clarke was going to do. “Whatever you need me to do,” Raven sighed. “And I need someone here to kick Kanes and my mothers asses into gear.” Her joke was hollow, just like the rest of her, but Raven forced a smile as well. “You can count on me.” Sitting back down, Raven grunted slightly at the pain and paused for a moment as she swallowed her pride. “Could you….could you hand me my brace?” She asked pointing towards it leaning on the wall behind Clarke.

[Clarke Griffin]

Five words was all it took for the tension in Clarkes shoulders to disappear. Raven was working with her. She could help. With her everything was possible. She knew how to deal with the technology. She could help Bellamy disable the defenses and get them in without harming anyone who didn’t need to be harmed. With her help and Bellamy inside it would be doable. Even though they needed the Grounders numbers, she put her faith on her people, on Raven, on Octavia, on Bellamy, even on the people inside. They needed them to get this done, not the Grounders. The technology was nothing for them to handle, but they could. They could beat the Mountain Men. They needed each other.

Clarke reached for the brace. She held It gingerly, afraid to break anything in it as she brought it to Raven. As she felt the tension in her reach more manageable levels, she began to feel the need to speak about what happened. To explain her actions. Clarke place the brace in Ravens hands and knelt down before her, as if she was going to ask for her forgiveness, but that was not her intention. How could she ask for forgiveness if there was nothing to forgive in her eyes. She did what she had to do. 

“I had to kill Finn, Raven. They would have tortured him. They would have burned him, taken his hands, tongue, eyes, everyone would have been allowed to cut him. It had to … make it quick and painless. It was the only thing I could do.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven gratefully took the brace from her but her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as Clarke knelt down before her. She didn’t understand what was happening. Was Clarke about to beg her? For what? Forgiveness maybe? It made her uncomfortable because Raven knew she couldn’t be that person for Clarke. The person to grant her some kind of forgiveness to make it okay. It wasn’t okay. She listened to her talk, as Clarke finally acknowledged the elephant in the room. So it wasn’t forgiveness she was seeking. She was just explaining her actions. Raven looked away with tears stinging her eyes as Clarke explained in gruesome detail what they would’ve done to Finn. She knew this already and didn’t need to be reminded as tried to hold back tears, but couldn’t as a few escaped down her cheeks.

“It had to … make it quick and painless. It was the only thing I could do.” Raven put the brace down beside her and rested her face in her hands for a few moments, wiping away her tears. “I know, okay? I know. I just…” She looked away again not wanting to cry in front of her. “There had to be another way, right?” Raven knew full well there was no other way. But that was difficult to accept. “I mean the world can’t be this cruel, can it?” The question was rhetorical. Of course the world was cruel, she knew that all too well. Clearing her throat, she looked back at Clarke. “I know that you did what you had to do, but he was all I had.” Her voice cracked on the last word. Finn was the only family she’d ever known. “I’ll never forgive you,” Raven began, being honest with Clarke. It wasn’t to be malicious, but now was not the time for lies. “But I can at least…appreciate, what you did for him.” It was difficult for her to admit. Hesitantly, Raven placed her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. It couldn’t have been easy for Clarke, they had both loved him after all. They shared that. It was that thought that Raven held on to, as she sat here with her now.

[Clarke Griffin]

“I guess the people he shot and killed could ask the same.” Clarke sighed. She could see where the need to have him punished came from. On the Ark he would have been killed for something much more simple, but now on earth everything changed. For Clarke the switch was abrupt and random and she couldn’t really understand. She understood why people, why the councilors no longer wanted to kill, but the sudden switch in morality scared the hell out of her. With the Grounders the culture and morality seemed to be at least consistent, even though it still felt unbearable to her. Had those been the people she loved, she would want them to live with what they did, like she had to live with having killed Finn. “The world is that cruel.” Clarke whispered. “Mount Weather is creating reapers. They’re draining Grounders, they… the Ark floated people for even the tiniest crime. I’m afraid the world is that cruel.”

“You’re not the only one.” Clarke knew she would never forgive herself for not being able to save Finn. This was on her. Maybe that was why she was so determined to save the others, to make sure Bellamy came back in one peace and all that. She needed her friends to be save, Clarke doubted she would be able to deal with it, would anything worse happen to any of their friends. “Let’s work on not adding more names to that list. This alliance is as fragile as it can be. I just want to get it over with and hopefully live in peace now.”



cherry1

[cherry1]

“The world is that cruel.” Raven listened to Clarke continue and looked down at her leg remembering the pain she’d endured. This world had broken her, and left her damaged physically, and now emotionally too. It left her only with anger, and sadness to fill that void. She’d lost the only family she’d ever had and now she was just supposed to accept that and move on. It wasn’t fair, too much had been taken from her. “You’re not the only one.” Raven looked down at Clarke, finally hearing some emotion in her voice, some humanity. Like she did feel something, the pain of losing him. She probably shouldn’t have but Raven felt a little better because of it. Not because she was glad Clarke was in pain, but because at least she wasn’t alone in missing him this deeply.

“I just want to get it over with and hopefully live in peace now.” She wasn’t sure if Clarke was being naïve or maybe Raven was being pessimistic, but she didn’t buy it. Any group of people who could only achieve peace through death, wasn’t going to keep it that way for long. She knew that because on the ark they had no mercy, and look where they were now. Half the population were dead they were constantly threatened by death, and on the brink of war. No mercy worked out so great. “I’ll do what I can to help with that.” Probably starting with the radio. “But let me give you some advice, Clarke,” she began, looking Clarke in the eye. “Don’t count on peace with the grounders.” Who knew how long it would last? “You can’t ever trust them.”

[Clarke Griffin]

Ravens advice was sound and solid. She knew the older girl was right. She couldn’t trust the Grounders and she wasn’t about to. One of them had told her how others had killed the girl she loved, well it was similar for Clarke. They had killed the boy they loved, no matter if in the end her mercy kill was what took his life, they had forced her hand, they had killed him in the end, Clarke was not about to trust them – save for one of them naturally. She couldn’t help but smile softly at it. This one Grounder had proven over and over again how they could trust him, but sadly not the others. She was glad of his information and support in this. He was the one Grounder she trusted.

“I’m not trusting them anytime soon, save for Lincoln.” She guessed Raven would agree to it as well. Lincoln had earned their trust, unlike others. “They killed Finn.” It was easy for her to say, even though she had taken the knife to his stomach, they had killed him, they had insisted they take his life, not the Arkers. The Arkers wanted to save him. “We currently have a common goal. Our interest aligns, but that will change once our people are free. I don’t trust them, but right now they have an interest to work with us and I’m betting on that. What will happen tomorrow and after is a different story. They still want us to cure their reapers, we will have to keep that one close to our chest in case they betray us.” But that was her betting on them actually caring about the reapers and the other grounders inside the mountain. She couldn’t tell how far they were willing to go. “We have some excellent strategists here, Raven. We can all handle this together.” If only she knew how. "We should focus on keeping Bellamy alive."

cherry1

[cherry1]

“I’m not trusting them anytime soon, save for Lincoln.” Good because they couldn’t be trusted. Raven still even held doubts about Lincoln, but as far as grounders went he seemed the most human at least. The most capable of love and mercy. “They killed Finn.” Raven looked at Clarke and chose not to contradict her. While she still held some resentment for Clarke and probably always would, she would never forget who the real enemy was. The grounders were the real reason Finn was dead. Putting a hand on Clarke’s arm, she kept her eyes on her and spoke. “They did, and they’ll pay for it. I swear.” Even if she had to take them all on herself. “Maybe not now, but when this is all over, they will pay.”

Raven listened intently as Clarke spoke. She sounded like such a strategist, like a leader it made Raven feel something akin to pride. That was until she remembered that Clarke was just a kid, they all were. She shouldn’t have to deal with all this. Risky alliances, people’s lives…and deaths. She’d been forced to undertake this responsibility and Raven could at least pity that. The ground changed them all, it broke them and forced them to do whatever it took to survive. And Raven’s hands weren’t exactly clean of blood either. "We should focus on keeping Bellamy alive." Right down to business. “Exactly, we. You’re not doing this all on your own Clarke. We’re all going to help you.” She didn’t have to carry that weight on her own. Along with everyone, Raven would carry it with her, even on her bum leg. “I’ll work on the radio to stay in contact with Bellamy on the inside. It’s going to work. We’re going to beat them and save our friends.” She had to believe that.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke hated her train of thought the moment she had it, but she also had to voice it. It felt like a weight sunk into her. She wanted to make them pay, of course she did. She wanted them to feel their pain like she had once, but wasn’t it that what had started all of this, an entire system of constantly paying the other back and back until there was nothing left anymore, until one by one everyone died. Finns death was a direct result of that mentality. “No. If we make them pay, they will make us pay for it again. And then we make them pay again and they make us pay again, it has to stop. It has to stop. I think Finn would want us to be the bigger persons. I think it needs to stop and they’re not going to stop it, so we have to.” But they would still never forget and never forgive. It had to stop and in this case they had to make it stop. There seemed to be no other way.

Clarke reached out for Ravens hand. It was weird, but Clarke wanted to be alone and didn’t want to be alone at the same time. She wanted to be alone, because she didn’t want her friends to be hurt. But on the other side she didn’t want to be alone, she wanted her friends to be there with her, to not carry this burden alone. Raven was save here, so she allowed herself to let go. She let herself squeeze Ravens hand gratefully. “We will. Raven, thank you. I know I try to be strong and pretend to know it and have it under control, but I don’t. They would just eat me alive if they figured it out.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven disagreed with Clarke. Revenge was all she could hold on to. It’s what was keeping her afloat. That and the plan to save their friends. Otherwise she would have crumbled under the weight of losing him. “Finn doesn’t want anything. Finn’s dead.” She knew it was harsh but Raven refused to be the bigger person here. “But fine we’ll do it your way.” Only for their friends in Mount Weather and then that was it. They had a common enemy for now, so she wasn’t going to do anything. Even though all she could think about was blowing up their leader. But the second they got their friends out, the second this truce inevitably crumbled, all bets were off. “For now.”

Raven sighed as Clarke held her hand and squeezed it. She didn’t pull her hand away because even though it hurt to look Clarke in the eyes sometimes, she was still the only other person in camp who felt the pain as deeply as Raven. The only other person who really mourned for Finn. Nobody else understood how she felt. “You don’t have to pretend with me,” she said, hesitantly squeezing Clarke’s hand back. “You can be strong and cold in front of them but you don’t have to be that person all the time.” She was still just a kid after all. “Otherwise you’ll fall apart, and then where would we be,” she said, smiling slightly at the other girl. It was just some advice. But the irony of Raven giving it wasn’t lost on her. Because she too was only just keeping it together. Trying to help and keep herself distracted at all costs. If only she could take her own advice.