Times Like These

[Clarke Griffin]

“Just where you are now.” Clarke answered. She had lost illusions over her worth. She might be leading now, she might have taken up the mantle of it, but she had no illusions about the fact that if she would fall apart, someone else would be in her place, maybe even Raven. Someone would have to get things done. Raven herself was a doer. Once she caught wind of things, she would have done everything in her power to save the others. And she would have caught wind of things. Had Clarke not been her, maybe the people of the village, the eighteen souls could still be safe and not dead. But she was sure that someone would have led this. Bellamy would have still worked this out. The inside man idea was his idea, his execution even though Clarke felt so much regret. And Raven would never abandon the others, no matter how much she was grieving. 

“You’re grieving Finn, we both are, but if I wasn’t here, nothing would change, apart from me being not here. You’re badass, Raven, so is Bellamy. You’d fight for our friends, with or without me. I may have my role in this version, but I know you guys. We survived war against the grounders, you would survive this, too.” She had faith in her friends. They would protect them. They would protect all of them. They would make sure they would all be well or give everything trying. Raven was a lot less replaceable than Clarke was. Ravens knowledge was invaluable to them. Without Monty inside and Raven outside they would have never gotten the messages. Raven was the irreplaceable one, not Clarke. She was just stubborn.

cherry1

[cherry1]

Clarke was exaggerating, that much was obvious, but Raven wasn’t sure what more she could say to convince her of her worth. Because she disagreed with the other girl, vehemently. Clarke underestimated her worth in their lives, a mistake Raven wasn’t going to make. It would take time to grieve Finn, to settle the anger that bubbled within her whenever she thought about the circumstances of his death. And most of all getting over how goddamn difficult it was to look at Clarke, without being constantly reminded of the sacrifice. That would prove to be the hardest thing to get over. But that didn’t mean she didn’t want her in her life. And it sure as hell didn’t mean they’d be better off without her.

“You’re not giving yourself enough credit there, Clarke.” Raven didn’t doubt her own, or Bellamy’s abilities, but Clarke shouldn’t doubt hers either. “We’d all be dead a million times over if it weren’t for you.” She hadn’t just been their leader, but their healer too. “And I’m not saying that to flatter you. Just stating facts.” She was just speaking the truth. “With Finn I…” Raven hesitated, taking in an unsteady breath. “I couldn’t…have done what you did for him.” She quickly wiped away an escaped tear, cursing the show of weakness. “You…you did what you had to do.” The statement wasn’t exactly a show of forgiveness on Raven’s part, but it was all she would offer for now. And even that was difficult to admit.

[Clarke Griffin]

Some of them would be dead, she agreed with that. But not all. Bellamy would have kept the majority alive. She knew she kept some alive, she knew she did some things and she knew that they wouldn’t be exactly in the same spot and not with the exact same survivors, but she was not the sole contributor to their survival. Without Raven all of them would be dead now. Without Bellamy they would be dead as well. She knew she played a part, but not a huge one. And suddenly she remembered something Bellamy said to her. “Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things.” Just as she whispered that, she understood it even better. She was partially that woman, who mercy killed Finn, but most importantly they needed this to survive so she did what she had to do. She couldn’t have expected Raven to do it. “You wouldn’t have had to do it. None of us would have made you do it.” They would have protected her from it. Bellamy, Octavia, anyone of them would have done it one way or another, especially to spare her the pain of having to watch him getting tortured to death.

“You’re right.” Clarke agreed. She did what she had to do. “And now you and I do what we have to do to get our people out of Mount Weather.” She didn’t know why Ravens words made her feel calmer, but they did. Her heartbeat slowed down again, her breathing got a bit slower, deeper, too. “And for that we both do what we can do best. Blow us a hole into that Mountain, Raven. Only you can get us inside from the outside.” Of course she didn’t mean that one literally, but Raven was the only one she trusted to get them inside from the outside. She could bring down the walls they had to climb in order to bring down the Mountain.

cherry1

[cherry1]

“Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things.” Wise words. Words that definitely resonated with Raven on a deep level and were probably true for all the others as well. “Don’t we know it,” she said sighing. Her words heavy with exhaustion. They had their innocence taken away from them by the ground and the instinct to survive. It changed them all forcing them to do things, terrible things. And leaving them with blood on their hands. None of them were the same as they were on the ark. Finn…was the perfect example of how their experience on the ground could turn you into something you never dreamed you’d become. She shouldn’t have let him go in the state he was in. He was her best friend, she should have seen the signs, helped him somehow. Despite the hurt between them he was always there when she needed him.

“I know, Clarke.” She said approaching her. “You were…stronger than me.” Stronger. Was that the right word? If Raven had been in Clarke’s shoes, she’d have probably ruined the truce between them and the grounders. Damning their people in Mount Weather, not only getting herself killed but leaving Finn to be tortured in the most horrific ways. Hell the healing cuts on her body were proof of the grounders ruthlessness. There was no they could’ve saved him. That didn’t stop her thinking 'what if' though. She had a feeling those thoughts would haunt her for the rest of her life. “I just miss him…so much.” It came out as a whisper, Raven not noticing the words leaving her lips until she’d already spoke them.

Their people in Mount Weather. “You don’t have to worry about that.” Yes, she had to focus on the people she could actually help save. “Blowing stuff up is what I do.” A touch of familiar arrogance in her voice. “I’ll get started on fuel bombs, that damn mountain won’t survive me," she continued. "It won't survive us."

[Clarke Griffin]

She didn’t know if they could call it stronger. Was it strength to do what she had to do? Or was she simple more disillusioned? More ready to part with parts of her soul because she already killed so many? Maybe it was that. And suddenly she felt herself shake, the weight of those deaths on her. Because she had pulled the lever in the dropship, trapping Finn and Bellamy outside. She almost killed both of them and she was nowhere near over it. She was not even close to being over it. “I’m not stronger, I’m just… I already carry the guilt of killing 300 people. I… I think I’m numb to it. I might be numb to it all.” And what if she was? Was it such a bad thing? She didn’t think it was a bad thing at all. In this world it was kill or be killed it appeared. Better her than the others. Well, there was that.

Clarke nodded sadly. She knew how that felt. It was some getting used to not having Finn close. And Lexas words still echoed in her mind: Because she would be tormented forever. She would be, she just knew it. She also knew that at least this one would pale, pale to what else she had to do, to what she was ready to do. Clarke kept on listening. She smiled. “The last time you threatened an inanimate object would not survive you it was blown into tiny bits and pieces by you. Every inanimate thing should fear the great Raven Reyes, the one that manages to blow up stuff, that survived a nuclear war.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

And there it was again, that familiar emptiness in Clarke’s eyes that Raven had noticed more and more. Especially after…Finn. But maybe that was just an illusion, the glassy look in fact masking a deeper pain that she couldn’t even begin to comprehend. Because while her heart shattered the moment Finn died she was sure Clarke’s very soul broke apart at having to take it. The whole ‘love is weakness’ act could never have fooled her. Raven knew her too well. Like it or not, they’d been through a lot together, and lost a lot together too. Not one other person in camp understood how she felt the way Clarke did.

“Hey,” Raven approached her, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I made that rocket blast off,” she’d fixed the thing that destroyed all those grounders outside the dropship. While she tried her best to justify it as being a necessary act in a war to protect their people, she still couldn’t help the visions of those people that sometimes haunted her at night, along with those she was supposed to protect from the culling. Killing, or being responsible for death was never an easy burden to carry, no matter whose death. “You never have to shoulder that guilt alone, okay?” When she spoke of being numb to it, Raven saw through that. “No, you’re not. You just did what was necessary, but I know it wasn't easy Clarke. I can see how hard it was for you to do this for him. What it did to you.” For him, not too him. Her words already reflecting her understanding of Clarke’s actions. Despite how difficult it still was to accept them. The change in Clarke was as apparent as daylight and probably reflected the change in herself. But that didn't mean she was numb to taking lives, she was just better at handling it now. Raven was certain if Clarke gave herself a minute to just grieve and be alone with her thoughts...that numbness wouldn't be there to distract her from the pain.

She smiled at her words, enjoying the change in atmosphere although the tension hadn’t completely left the room. “Damn right.” The mountain had to pay. It was all she had left. The anger and hate and pain was now all being directed at saving their friends. There was no other real outlet for them, she couldn’t even direct it at Lexa, not while the truce still held. “That mountain should fear you too, it probably already does.” With everything Clarke had done to escape and with the valuable intel she’d given them. They must be shitting their pants, Raven thought with a smirk. “With you leading us, our people will be safe and home in no time. It's all I have left to believe in.” Because if Raven was sure of only one thing in the world, it was that Clarke would do anything to save them.

[Clarke Griffin]

She hated that the conversation had to go back to Finn. She knew the rocket was a team effort. They all did it to save their lives and they should have done that. They had no other choice. And still, lives taken weighed heavy on those who did it. Clarke wanted the others to be fine. She wanted the others to be okay, but she knew she could not be. She had called the shots, together with Bellamy, Raven and Jasper had enabled it. In the end they had no choice though. They, kids, were caught in a war. They were kids who had to stand against 300 people sent to slaughter them. Clarke reached out for Ravens arm to gently squeeze it, hoping she understood what Clarke could not speak.

“It should fear us. You bring down their defenses. Bellamy brings the Army inside into position and I the Army outside. We can do it.” They could. The plan sounded good. With the armies and with Ravens talent, they could bring down Mount Weather and if the truce held there could be peace, finally. They could rest, regroup and maybe set up Camp Jaha well enough to sustain them. This could work. This should work. Clarke, not even thinking about it, moved forward to gently hug her friend. She had just given her so much hope and Clarke was so thankful for that. “Thank you. We can really do this, can’t we? The mountain will fall and our friends will be safe?”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven stood for a moment as Clarke slowly hugged her. It was an odd feeling. She hadn’t exactly anticipated this conversation ending with a hug when they started. Hell, not so long ago she’d punched Clarke in the face. But nonetheless she wasn’t opposed to it now. Not after everything they’d said to each other. Raven wrapped her arms around her and hugged her back. It was important that Clarke knew she didn’t hate her. It would take time to forgive her sure, but she didn’t hate her. It was like she’d finally gotten some closure. And right now, that’s all she could ever ask for. The grief wasn’t as soul crushing as it had been. It still weighed heavy on her heart and probably always would, but at least now she’d be able to concentrate on the task at hand.

“We will get them out Clarke, every single one of them,” she said into the hug, reluctant to let go. “I promise.” It was reckless to make a promise she wasn’t sure she could keep, but it felt like the right thing to say. It was a promise she wanted and needed to keep. Finn’s death had to mean something, and getting those kids out in his name. In the name of the treaty he’d sacrificed himself for, would be his new legacy. Raven would make sure of that. That he would be remembered for that instead of the massacre. Letting go, she gave Clarke a smile, the most genuine one she could muster in the face of this tragedy, feeling like at least some of the pain she was enduring was lifted.

[Clarke Griffin]

“We will get them.” Clarke agreed. Because there was no other option for them. Either they all died or they got the people in Mount Weather. Not the innocent ones. Clarke desperately wanted to spare those, those who had no hand in torturing their friends, in killing them. Those who were probably ignorant to all of it, because there was no way over 300 people could condone that and no way she could have gotten out if that were the case, nor Bellamy in. Because Bellamy made it. She had to believe that otherwise their hopes would be crushed fully. Clarke reached for what she had packed earlier. She smiled at Raven.

“Send me a message if you hear more. Some Grounders will stay here. Just tell them to get to me or to Kane if he is there, too. “ As long as the radio was out they would have no other choice. But they could deal with this. They could handle it, she firmly believed in it. “See you at the victory party.” They would probably meet before, but it was… an expression of hope, hope she hardly had. She turned, having to walk away to do her duty. She had no other choice. Someone had to deal with the Grounders. Someone had to keep Bellamys back free and the eyes of the mountain away from inside of them. And Raven would make sure they could bring them down.

cherry1