chase away the pain

[Derrick]

Costia

LEXA KOM TRIKRU

Lexa honestly didn't know where her fallen brothers and sisters blood ended and hers began; it all ran in dark lines across her skin, splashed across her face, her arms, her clothing. Almost as if she had taken a swim in their night blood. So covered in it that when she bathed, the clear waters had turned black.

There was no joy felt. Relief that she lived but other than that, there was nothing to celebrate. When her neck was sliced open so the Flame could be inserted she felt no joy. When her back and arm were tattooed to mark her Ascenion there had been no joy. A fierce desire to lead her people correctly and the ever present feeling of grief that she never let show on her features. You cannot show emotion, Lexa was told. To show emotion was to be weak. To show love was to be weak. Titus and his constant teachings; to be commander was to be alone, to bear the responsibility of her people.

It was an honor; if it was such an honor then why did she feel so defeated?

In the bedroom of the commander did she stand, near the window overlooking Polis. Hard to believe this was hers now, all the training, the fighting, the blood, sweat and tears. The deaths of her Natblida siblings. She didn't trust Titus for this task. No, she trusted Gustus and it was him she turned to, with her face devoid of emotions. "Bring Costia to me. Gently. I do not want her harmed." She commanded before turning back to look out the window. She didn't need to say anything else on the matter, and as Gustus left, Lexa was once again alone.

When she had last seen Costia, it was before the conclave. She had told her "this is goodbye, for now," because she had no intentions of losing. She'd been so naive. This wasn't winning. The dead had won, she had lost and there was nothing that could be said to sway her mind. She would have to live with the knowledge that she killed her Natblida siblings, all to become the Heda. Her floor length night robe covered some of the healing wounds from the battle. The open back meant the tattoos were clearly visible though she wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that.

For now she wanted Costia. The one sure thing in her unsure and unknown world and future.

blood must have blood

[Costia]

When they’d received news of the previous commander’s death, Costia had, had to say goodbye to Lexa so that she could ready herself for the conclave. She’d had no idea if she’d ever see the other girl again but she had faith in Lexa’s skills as a warrior. Lexa had been determined to win the conclave when she’d left, she seemed confident of victory but that did little to ease Costia’s mind. Lexa had the task of fighting with the children that she’d come to know as her siblings, each one had been trained to take part in their conclave, this was the moment that they’d all been waiting for, each one would be fighting for their life and they wouldn’t go down easily.

Costia couldn’t help but worry, the woman that she loved was going to be fighting for her life, this wasn’t like in any other battle, only one natblida would emerge from the conclave alive. Many times Costia had paced the floor of her room inside the tower, unable to settle for more than a couple of minutes at a time. When the doors to her room opened without warning, Costia spun on her heels in surprise, her hands clenched into fists at her sides. She relaxed slightly when she realised that it was Gustus and immediately begun to search his face in the hopes of finding something there that might hint at the result of the conclave. Then he spoke to her “the commander has sent for you” and her whole body seemed to relax, that meant that Lexa was okay. Why else would the commander send for her, she wasn’t anybody important. She started walking towards the door, setting a brisk pace in her eagerness to see Lexa again, but as she reached the door, Gustus placed a restraining hand on her shoulder. As soon as she felt his hand on her shoulder, she stared up at him and noticed the look on her mentors face, he was sending her a silent warning that made her remember where they were. She was in Polis tower and she wasn’t going to see her lover, she was going to see their new commander, she had to show the utmost respect for their leader.

Nodding her head slightly in understanding, Costia allowed Gustus to take the lead and she followed him from her room and down the hall. She followed him to the top floor, where the commander's room was located and waited patiently whilst he knocked on the door before gesturing for her to enter the room. He didn’t follow her inside as she slowly pushed the door open and closed it behind her. When she finally began to look around the room, her eyes immediately landed upon the woman who was standing in her night robe, near the window. Momentarily Costia could think of nothing else but the fact that Lexa was alive and standing in the same room as her, then she noticed the new tattoos that decorated her skin and she took a step forwards “Heda” she muttered a greeting, to make sure that the other woman had noticed her arrival, although she found it hard to believe that she’d have missed Gustus’ knocking. Then she offered a respectful bow, an acknowledgement to Lexa’s new rank. Despite their relationship, Costia knew that she couldn’t treat Lexa like she had before, as the commander, she demanded respect, from everyone, it didn’t matter who they were.

Derrick

[Derrick]

Costia
((ooc// omg, she is hurting so badly rn *sobs*))

LEXA KOM TRIKRU

Life was going to be far more complex than she ever imagined. For starters, her relationship with Costia, while it was never screamed out in the streets of Polis it was still sort of known. To be Heda was to be alone and even knowing that, knowing that by even entertaining the idea of love that she was weak, she could not let Costia go. Maybe she should because her enemies would no doubt latch onto whatever they could but the thought was dimissed moments later. Lexa wanted to be selfish. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to lose Costia, the girl that had her heart.

The knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts as she spoke in their native language. "Enter." She could tell by the knuckles against the wood who it was; each of her guards had their own sounding knock and this one was Gustus. She turned to face the arrival, her eyes drinking in Costia's appearance. They were no longer equals; Lexa was now her commander, her leader. Not that she would ever abuse that in their relationship. Outside of it then yes, she was going to have to suck it up and be the leader because that was who she was now. But she would never, ever translate that into what she had with Costia.

"Costia." The name rolled off her tongue like it had a hundred times before. Her expression remained neutral, befitting of a leader rather than the soft expression she reserved just for Costia. As she spoke, she padded towards the other girl, the black night robe swirling around her legs, ignoring as it rubbed against some of her hidden wounds. What she needed most was assurance that she would still be looked at as Lexa and not the murderer of her brothers and sisters. She needed to hold onto her while she cried on the inside for those she had slain because she could never openly weep for them.

Nearing Costia, she went to wrap her arms around the other girl in a hug, wanting to draw her close and just pretend that only they existed and no-one else. "It's going to be different now. I am your Heda." She didn't know where that put her now, or what state their relationship would be in; did Costia even want to remain with her? Lexa would give her that option and if she wanted out then she would understand. It was not her decision to make as it could very well be seen as her using her power to force her to stay. "I love you Costia; that has not, and will not, change." Lexa sighed inwardly, her eyes moving to look through the large open window in the room.

"They're all celebrating their new Heda." By they she was referring to most of their people and she couldn't blame them. But this was not a celebration for her, not up here in her tower. Costia would be able to tell, Lexa didn't even have to utter a word and now that she was here she couldn't. Who knew the kind of people who would eavesdrop?

blood must have blood

[Costia]

Costia watched as Lexa walked towards her, she did look different than she had the last time that they'd seen each other and the differences went beyond the tattoos on her skin. The way she held herself was different, she stood up straighter, even her tone of voice was different, but she was still Lexa. Costia could see the girl that she knew behind it all, things would be different, they had to be but that didn't mean that they couldn't find happiness with each other. The girl couldn't pretend that it wasn't a shock to see how much Lexa seemed to have changed in such a short space of time, but mostly she was relieved that her lover had survived at all, she didn't care if things were different between them, she didn't even care if Lexa sent her away from Polis and ordered her never to return, as long as she was alive. Things would be difficult, but she couldn't recall a time when they were ever easy, easy didn't exist in their world.

As Lexa opened out her arms as if to hug her, Costia gladly stepped into her embrace, wrapping her own arms around the new commander. "I know" she muttered in response to Lexa's words, she knew that things had forever changed between them. Lexa was now her superior, she was to follow her orders, whatever those orders might be and Costia didn't know exactly how to feel about that. She was used to following orders, but she'd never had to take them from the girl that she loved. Costia couldn't imagine a life without Lexa, she could never imagine returning to Tondc without her, to live permanently without her and so she was willing to work through their difficulties with her. Lexa being commander shouldn't have to change anything between them, they were still the same people they had always been, only now their ranks separated them. "Your rank doesn't change the way that I feel about you Lexa" nothing could do that, love was a complicated emotion, even if she wanted to just switch her feelings for the heda off, Costia doubted that she'd be able to.

Lexa's acknowledgement of the celebrations taking place in Polis made Costia draw back from the hug "There is always a celebration after a new heda is chosen" she told her, forcing a small smile. Lexa knew this, she was sure of it. It was a time of mourning, for the former commander who'd had to die for the new commander to ascend, but it was also a time of celebration, to celebrate their new leader and to pray that their new leader ruled over them wisely. Costia knew that Lexa didn't feel like celebrating, it was written all over her face and in the way she spoke of the subject, the conclave had been hard on her. Slaughtering her siblings would have been hard for her, even if it was what she'd been trained for, Costia could never imagine doing such a thing if she'd had anything close to a sibling. "Are you hurt?" she questioned her lover and for the first time since entering the room, her eyes scanned the commanders body in search of any injuries that she'd sustained in the battle, emotionally she was sure that Lexa must be hurting but she was more concerned about any physical injuries that she had, injuries that could be fixed quickly, the scars that she had inside would take longer to heal.

Derrick

[Derrick]

Gods be good she loved the woman in her arms. Costia had allowed Lexa to hug her rather than deny her that need, that comfort, though really she should have known she wouldn't be turned away. Costia had been her friend first, lover second. "I'll have to order you just like I order the others." A notion she didn't find satisfying but knew she could not show favortism like that. Titus was going to pitch a fit in his own Titus way and she knew he'd want Lexa to order Costia out of Polis and back to their village while speaking his mantra that love is weakness. It was clear that she didn't like the idea of giving Costia orders and she knew Costia would listen no matter what was asked, even if it was difficult. "I should be commanding you to pack and leave for Tondc in the morning."

She didn't need to see her face to know what sort of reaction she might get because of her words. Her head, that had been nuzzling in the crook of her neck, now pulled back so she could look into her face as she spoke. "I want you to stay in Polis. I know it's a big ask. But I need you." The sixteen year old commander spoke, the emotion in her words matched the emotion in her eyes. The only way she'll send Costia away is if she needed an ambassador, someone she could trust. Someone that she loved more than life itself. Because she now knew, as if there had been any doubt, that Costia still felt the same way for her regardless of what happened.

And that was a beautiful feeling amidst the darkness.

Yes, Lexa knew there was a celebration for the new Heda. It was both a time for celebration and a time for mourning and before she had gone to the conclave, Lexa had been so stupid. She wasn't just mourning the loss of their former Heda but she was also mourning the loss of her Natblida siblings. Some of which died by her own hand. Hands that were gently touching the love of her life, both on her back to hold her close. She just wanted them to let her mourn and yet she knew she couldn't do that. With Costia she could because she was safe. The moment she left the room of the commander she had to act as though she wasn't hurting. Be the leader her people deserved.

Lexa smiled softly. "Nothing that won't heal in time." Physical wounds would heal, it was the emotional ones she was more worried about. Costia would see the wounds soon enough, the ones hidden beneath her night gown. Her torso and legs held injuries, from cuts to bruises and there was a large bruise on her upper arm and shoulder closer to her back. Letting Costia go for a moment, Lexa twisted around so the light was visible on the bruise. On the same arm was a clean bandage that wrapped around her arm, covering up a nasty gash. Up until now she had used shadows to hide the bruise, and though she wanted to protect Costia from the horrors of the conclave and the aftermath, she also knew Costia would want to help.

Costia

[Costia]

"I understand" she muttered into Lexa's shoulder as she spoke about how she'd have to give her orders like her other subjects. Costia understood that things would have to change between them, she was Lexa's subject first and her lover second. She knew that, that was how things would be if Lexa ever became commander, she'd prepared herself for it, even if she didn't feel entirely ready for things to change yet. "I should be commanding you to pack and leave for Tondc in the morning" at Lexa's words, Costia froze, change was inevitable but would she really order her to leave Polis, to be ordered back to Tondc would be painful but she'd go, if Lexa ordered her to leave then she would. To spare her lover the pain of an argument when she knew that it wouldn't be what she wanted, but what Titus expected of her.

As Lexa pulled back to look her in the face, Costia felt herself relax slightly when she heard the commander tell her that she wanted her to stay, that she needed her. "Lexa, I want to stay" she told her, her tone firm as a small smile appeared on her face as she realised that she would not be forced to leave. Lexa didn't even need to ask her to stay because as long as Lexa wanted her, she'd always be there. Even if her being commander complicated things for them, her feelings wouldn't change, she was certain of that. "I'll never want to leave you" she felt like it was something that she had to voice, to tell her lover that even if she was forced to send her away in the end, that she wouldn't want to leave her even if she appeared to leave without protest.

"Nothing that won't heal in time" all wounds healed with times, even the ones that weren't physical, some wounds just took longer than others. Lexa didn't look to be seriously injured and that was a huge relief to Costia, but she knew that the new commander couldn't have escaped the conclave without any physical wounds. As Lexa let go of her and twisted around to show her the bruise that covered her upper arm and a small gasp of surprise escaped her lips. Instantly, she reached forwards to grab Lexa's wrist gently and pull her closer so that she could get a better look at the injury, her other hand came up to lightly brush the discoloured skin with her finger tips. She wondered how she'd gotten the injury but knew better than to ask, she didn't want Lexa to have to relive the conclave, having to fight people that she cared about must've been hard, to have to see it again in her mind would be unnecessary torture. Instead she looked up to meet Lexa's gaze and asked "how can I help?" she wanted to help her, to relieve some of her pain, even if she wasn't a healer. If she could somehow lessen the other girls pain then she'd feel a lot more useful than she did at the current moment.

Derrick

[Derrick]

Costia

LEXA KOM TRIKRU

Lexa could force her to leave just as much as she could force her to stay. Her words were not meant to force Costia to make a choice, it was something she needed to voice, to show her how much she needed Costia in her life, now more than ever. Costia had been supportive of her, her rock when she didn't know she needed it. She didn't have to be so strong when in the arms of her lover, to be able to show emotion rather than hide it, to feel love without it being looked as a weakness. Titus may believe the words but Lexa didn't even if she spoke of it sometimes. So it was her choice, not Lexa's, when it came to staying. She could give Costia that when the other young woman had given her that, and more, in their life. She also knew how hard it must be to be in her life - Lexa wasn't always the warmest, and she wasn't always available, what with her training and everything.

Titus had enough rule in her life. She was not going to let him send the only shred of happiness she ever had. The only part of her soul that wasn't damaged beyond repair. Costia spoke of wanting to stay, of never wanting to leave her and despite the pain in her heart, the words were comforting, warm. Lexa hadn't known she needed to hear it until the words hd been spoken and she seemed to hold Costia a little bit tighter. "Good. Because I don't want you to leave. I may send you away for ambassador duties but I will never send you away for good."

She let Costia inspect the bruise, her eyes half closing as the memory of how she'd gotten it flashed behind the lids of her eyes. The light brush against her skin, against the bruise, sent the nerves skittering with pain though it was made bearable by the feather light touches of the woman she loved. How can I help? the words spoke over and over in her mind. She knew of one way to forget everything for the moment but she wasn't going to use Costia that way. Their time together in bed was not to banish the darkness but to embrace the light. She turned enough so she could look at Costia, the bruise fading from view and mind as she searched her features.

She leaned fowards to capture Costia's lips in a kiss. "Stay with me." Stay with me now and forever. Not just in Polis - Lexa wanted her to stay with her that night, to keep her company while she was feeling rather vulnerable - something that no-one should really see. The only person she could trust seeing her in such a state was Costia - she would never have it used against her and for that she appreciated and loved her even more. Of course she had to add something. "You being here helps more than I can ever express."

blood must have blood

[Costia]

Costia was relieved that Lexa wasn't going to send her away, she knew that she would have little choice but to follow a direct order that was given to her by her commander. Even if she didn’t want to, she knew that it was within Lexa’s rights to send her away if she no longer wanted her. She was relieved to discover that Lexa didn’t want her to leave, the pain of being sent away by the woman that she loved would be more painful than any physical wound ever could be, Costia was sure of that. She had worried about what would happen between them if Lexa won the conclave, if things between them would change and she knew that they inevitably would but as long as they were together, she was sure that they would be fine. She’d always tried to avoid thinking about what would happen if Lexa had lost the conclave, it wasn’t worth thinking about, it was too painful to think about and deep down Costia knew that she never really believed that Lexa could lose.

“Good… Because I have no intention of leaving” Costia muttered, not as long as Lexa wanted her, as long as she was wanted, she would never leave. The moment Lexa stopped wanting her, she would leave without argument. There would be no point for her to stick around if she was unwanted. She’d always been free to leave whenever she wanted to, but she’d chosen to stay because she loved Lexa and that wasn’t going to change now because she was the commander. Costia had always known that there was a possibility that her lover would become their next leader, if she hadn’t wanted that burden then she’d had every opportunity to walk away before becoming attached. Now goodbye was something she couldn’t imagine herself saying to the other woman.

A faint smile appeared on Costia’s face as Lexa leaned in to kiss her, it was just another sign that showed her that the woman wanted her and would continue to want her, no matter what her rank was and what responsibilities she now had as the commander. “Stay with me” she heard Lexa say in reply to her question, Costia knew Lexa well enough to know that she didn’t want to be alone at that moment and she wasn’t about to leave her alone after what she’d just had to do, nodding her head slightly she accepted the request. “If you want me to stay, then I will…” she wouldn’t leave her lover to deal with everything by herself, Costia knew that she was hurting after the conclave and the pain wasn’t just due to the physical wounds that she’d obtained. All she wanted was to lessen Lexa’s pain and to help her, if her presence helped her, even in the smallest of ways then Costia would stay. She’d do anything that Lexa asked if it would take her pain away. Costia couldn’t bare to see the woman that she loved in pain, she was sure that the bruises that marked her skin looked far worse than they actually were but it didn’t make it any easier for her to see her partner wounded. “If you need anything, just ask” she told the commander gently, wanting her to know that she intended to stay with her, despite having already voiced that she would. She knew that Lexa had servants that would cater to her needs, but she wanted her to at least have some privacy to mourn the people that she had lost in the conclave, she wouldn’t be able to do that if she was surrounded by servants, Costia knew that she wouldn’t allow them to see her vulnerability.

Derrick