Permanent Solution

[Deleted]

“You’re not just broken, Jasper.” Her choice of wording caught Jasper's attention. She didn't deny he was broken. Jasper had never voiced these thoughts before, never told anyone he felt 'broken', but he was pretty sure Monty would insist he wasn't, or that he could be fixed. Jasper knew he'd never be the same, not really. Raven understood how that felt. Her leg would never heal. Raven had learned to be more than her disability. Hell, for a short time, Jasper thought he'd been starting to heal too. But then everything went to shit again, and he'd tasted perfect happiness only to have in yanked out from under him again. Jasper didn't even know where to start anymore.

He breathed an unhappy laugh when she started to say she didn't know what she'd do if he wasn't here. "You'd be fine," he told her. "You're strong." He could feel the threat of tears again, but her question caught him off guard. She wanted to see his scar. If he weren't starting to feel a little tipsy, he might have refused, but then she offered to show him hers.

"Why?" he asked, but he was already pulling off his jacket. He should be uncomfortable. If he were sober, and they weren't talking about something so intimate already, he probably would be. But as long as he was baring his soul, what difference did baring his body make? "You don't have to show me yours, if you don't want," he added. It wasn't that he didn't care, or wasn't curious now, but he didn't want her to show him because he showed his. He only wanted her to show him because she wanted to be seen by him. He pulled his shirt off over his head and held it in his lap, exposing the large, misshapen, knotted flesh in the center of his chest. His instinct was to cover it with his hand, so instead his rubbed the back of his neck, not quite looking at her. "There was a hole in my chest for weeks. Took forever to heal." He shrugged. "Not going to be getting any modeling contracts any time soon," he attempted as a joke.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

She didn’t like his response to her fears about losing him. It put her on edge again. The thought sobering her slightly. But not enough to think before inadvertently asking Jasper to remove his shirt. She was beginning to think it was a bad idea before he complied. Why did she want to see the scar? Because she wanted to see the source for herself maybe? The beginning of Jasper’s journey of realising the ground was a goddamn death trap and the mental deterioration he’d suffered through as a result…Raven wasn’t going to outright say that though. Choosing to go with… “I dunno, curious I guess.” Instead.

He was still being kind to her, still taking her feelings into account despite everything he was going through. It brought a fleeting smile to her face before she dismissed his concerns, waving a hand as he revealed the scar. Her expression wasn’t one of disgust or even pity. It was just one of plain old sadness at the pain she knew he must have endured, pain she was all too familiar with. Without realising, her hand was already on his chest, her fingers brushing each elevation and fall of skin.

“Taking your own life…you wouldn’t just be slipping away,” she began, tracing the pattern as if she was memorising it, burning the sight into her brain. “It’s like a bomb, you’d take a piece of us with you…of everyone who cares about you and…” she let the tears fall, he’d already seen her cry, and it no longer made her feel weak when he did. “I don’t think there’s enough of me left to survive that,” her voice breaking slightly on the last word. When she finally became aware of what she was doing, Raven slowly retracted her hand, staring down for a moment unable to look him in the eye before finally looking up.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper wasn't sure what reaction he was expecting from Raven, but he was relieved that her expression only looked sad, nothing more, nothing less. He was surprised when she reached out and touched the scar, though, and he sucked in a breath as he watched her hand. The scar was numb, and had been since it healed, nerves never growing back under the thick scar tissue, but he could feel her touch anyway. No one had really touched it but himself since Clarke stopped needed to check it. Jasper felt extremely vulnerable, but somehow it was ok.


But when she started to speak, it wasn't abut the scar. It was about his relief, and how it would hurt other people, how it would hurt her. Jasper again resisted the urge to feel bitter about that, that she was giving him reasons to feel guilty for wanting to not exist anymore. He also resisted the urge to brush her tears away with the back of his hand, her sadness washing aaway any bitterness before it could come out. Her last words startled him a little, though, making him fear for her more than he did for his self. “I don’t think there’s enough of me left to survive that.” Without thinking, he reached over and grabbed her hand that had just been touching him. "What does that mean?" he said, his own voice cracking. "What happened to your brain being 'all kinds of awesome'?" he said, his expression equal parts pained and concerned. That was what she had said, wasn't it? Just before he'd left with Bellamy, Clarke, and Octavia to find Luna. Jasper had thought Raven was doing better.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

“Oh my brain is still all kinds of awesome,” she said with a forced smirk, wiping the tears from her face. Her mind had been in overdrive since A.L.I.E. She was at a whole other level in that regard. Writing code, building, inventing things she couldn’t have even imagined before. The newly found skills were terrifying and something about them felt tainted. Because they came from her. But hell after everything that bitch in the red dress put her through, Raven deserved a little something in return.

But that was the only thing she could hold on to these days. After losing Sinclair most recently, the last person to tell her she could be put back together, Raven was exhausted. She didn’t know how much of it she could bare. Where her threshold was for losing people. “But every time someone…they take parts of me,” she pointed at her chest, not knowing how else to describe it. “With them.” She squeezed the hand he’d put in hers. “We’ve fought so hard to survive this long, you can’t throw that away.” Raven looked down at their joined hands, her eyebrows furrowed. “I need you.” He saved her.

“This,” she said, her other hand on his chest again. “Isn’t just about you breaking, and how ruthless this goddamn place is.” Her hand absentmindedly traced the scar again. “You didn’t heal perfect, and you didn’t heal overnight, but you healed Jasper.” Her eyes on his, she held on to his hand a little tighter. “You can heal again.” She was well aware the physical wound wasn’t the same as what he suffered through every day. Hell she knew that better than most. But it got her point across.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper listened as Raven explained that her brain was awesome... but not her heart, apparently, by the way she pointed to her chest, indicating that everyone who died took a part of her with them. He often wondered how other people--Raven, Monty, Bellamy, seemingly everyone but Jasper--could have so much taken from them and still seem fine, still carry on with what they needed to do. But Raven wasn't fine. And Monty said he wasn't fine either. And Jasper knew Bellamy wasn't fine. How did they fake it?

She put her hand back on his chest as she continued, and Jasper couldn't help but look down, tears leaking from his eyes as she spoke. "How?" he asked when she finished, his voice cracking. "How do I heal from something I don't understand? Something I can't see or... or..." He gestured vaguely at her leg. "Or can't put a brace on?" he said, his voice pained, wobbly. He didn't say that in any way to diminish what she went through because of her injury, but Jasper knew the problem was his brain, and he knew they didn't have anything to treat it in camp. He genuinely didn't know how to fix himself. God, if only they could find some weed on Earth...

"It wouldn't be throwing anything away, Raven. Everything that happened before, that doesn't suddenly un-happen. I just... get relief, and..." He sniffed hard, tear rolling down his cheeks again as he reached for the bottle once more. "And I... what use am I now?" he asked, taking a large gulp of the moonshine again. "At the dropship, even at Mount Weather, I could fight. But I-- I can't do that anymore. Here I'm just a kid who knows a little about chemistry and a lot about getting in trouble."

tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven wished more than anything that she could offer Jasper some better answers. Some solution that would take away all his pain. And not in an A.L.I.E. soul sucking kind of way. He didn’t deserve all the crap he’d been through. None of them did. But she didn’t know how exactly to help him. Not right now anyway. But dammit she’d figure it out. If it took the rest of her life, she’d find a way to help him. And maybe help herself in the process. At the mention of it she glanced at her brace. Raven could almost ignore the ugly thing now…almost.

She listened to him talk himself down, the man had a real knack for that…before hearing him question his usefulness. Now that…she did have an answer for. “That kid who knows chemistry saved our asses at the dropship when I couldn’t get those bullet to work…and that kid who gets into trouble saved my ass when I wasn’t even me anymore.” If he hadn’t been him… if he hadn’t taken any notice of her, she dreaded to think where or even who she’d be. “You’re plenty useful Jasper…don’t you ever doubt that.” She removed her hand from his bare chest and placed it in his own, squeezing it. “Just give me some time to show you that…to convince you that you’re not worthless.” To convince him that all that shit A.L.I.E had said using her body was wrong. “Please Jasper...and don’t just say okay to shut me up…I need you to mean it.” Her eyes met his as she spoke, looking for a genuine answer in them or any sign of a lie. Raven was rarely one to beg or plead…ever. But desperate times…

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper wanted to argue with her, tell her the things she listed off were in the past, and he didn't know what use he was now. The most recent threat was gone, as far as he knew, and he was aimless again. Like he had been on the Ark, except now he was aimless and broken. He wanted to say Murphy blew up most of his gunpowder anyway, and that if he hadn't been so ready to throw everything away, he might never have even been in the position to save her in the first place. But there wasn't any use in arguing with her over those things.

He turned his hand in hers to intertwine their fingers, letting her continue, unsure why he felt like he needed her touch right now. He didn't want help, he wanted escape. But he also couldn't bear the idea that she might hurt more because of him or something he did. His eyes were full of unshed tears as he nodded his agreement slowly, one of them trickling down his face from the motion. Fine. He would give her time. He'd let her try. He didn't think it would help, and he'd probably kill himself eventually anyway, but he'd give her a chance.

After a moment, he sniffed hard, ignoring another tear as he took another drink. "You can't leave me alone tonight," he said, voice cracking, because if he was going to let her try, he had to at least give her a chance. By saying those words out loud, it was a promise to give her that chance. Because he knew it was true--if she left him right now, he'd be back in the woods again before morning. Hell, she might need to stay with him more than one night. "I won't make it," he added, and even through the numbness of alcohol creeping in, those words hurt almost physically to say to anyone else.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

A small smile graced her features when he nodded. That’s all she needed from him tonight. That small nod representing a silent promise that he’d at least try. Or well let her try, to convince him he still had a life to live with things to live for. All she needed was that chance and it seemed for now at least he was giving it to her. That they were in the clear for a night.

The crack in his voice as he spoke however, almost broke her damn heart. As if she could leave him now. Raven had been serious when she’d mentioned being around him all day every day if that’s what it took to save him from himself. And well, though she couldn’t even admit it to herself…Raven didn’t really want to be alone tonight either. Her eyes followed the few tears falling down Jaspers cheek as he continued. "I won't make it.” There they were… the words that finally did break her heart. But she had to appreciate his honesty with himself and his bravery for admitting that to her. That at least he knew he needed someone tonight and wouldn’t push her away. That perhaps Raven hadn’t just been projecting her own hopes when she’d thought there was a part of Jasper that wanted to live. Because that was the part talking now, telling her the truth about the extent of his pain. The part letting her in.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she answered genuinely. Raven slowly let go of his hand before taking her jacket off. “Now, lie down,” she continued, a hand gently pushing his chest, “I think we both need a little well deserved rest, don’t you?” She then reached down to take off her shoes and unclip and unfasten the brace from her leg and leave it leaning on the side of the bed. The routine familiar, though usually done without an audience. When she sat back up however, Raven paused. Now how exactly were they going to do this? The bed wasn’t big enough to provide them with any kind of personal or appropriate space. And she sure as hell wasn’t a cuddler. But this was Jasper and he needed her. And maybe she needed him too. So with that thought, and after a pause that felt like an eternity while realistically probably only lasting a few moments, Raven climbed further back onto the bed. Grabbing the bottle of moonshine first she placed it on the ground next to her brace, not quite lying down yet as she continued to try and figure out exactly how close Jasper wanted her to be. “I don’t snore, but I might kick,” she added with a smile to help lighten the mood.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper didn't really feel relieved she was staying. No, it was the much harder choice to let her stay, to let her keep him from doing something he wanted to do. It hurt to know that by telling her what he just did, by telling her she needed to stay if she wanted him to make it through the night, he was only prolonging his own pain. But it was the right choice to make for her, so Jasper let her push him back, though he only rested back on his elbows, watching her remove her brace, more out of curiosity than anything else. He hoped that he could rest tonight, like she said they needed. He wasn't entirely sure he was drunk or exhausted enough, though.

He watched Raven consider his small bed for a moment, before climbing up closer to him. "I'm used to it," he joked without a smile, wondering if the joke was too abstract, referencing the sense of always being kicked by someone or something this damn world. Why would Raven kicking him bother him? "I won't complain about the kicking, if you don't complain if I wake you up screaming," he said in a tone that was a little too light, then held his arm out to her as he settled back onto his back, ready to pull her against him because there wasn't any use trying to figure out how to sleep together in this bed without getting cozy. He'd been having fewer nightmares recently, but he wouldn't be surprised if they flared up again after recent events.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

Used to it? She didn’t know an awful lot about Jasper’s personal life or who his bed mates might be but she supposed he meant it figuratively. God knows the world had kicked and beat him to the ground more times than she could count…just as long as he got up afterwards. And there was no shame in Raven helping him do that starting from today. Tonight was the first night of his recovery or perhaps even their recovery. She probably shouldn't be too optimistic about that though.

Nightmares. Now that was something Raven was definitely familiar with. The normal matter of fact way he just mentioned them caught her off guard for a moment. But they’d shared so much in the time they’d spent together today that she should be used to it by now. “It’s a deal,” she said with a smile. Before finally laying down next to him, her head settling on his arm. Okay then…this wasn’t exactly how she’d expected this night to go, with her huddled up next to Jasper Jordan. But it wasn’t exactly the biggest surprise of the night, she thought darkly and internally shuddered. It had been so long since she’d shared a bed with anyone, the close contact was going to take her a while to get used to. She shuffled for a while against him before finally deciding to lay her arm slowly across his chest. When Raven finally stopped moving, finding an at least physically comfortable position she became acutely aware of ever part of her body that was in contact with his. It’s fine…she wasn’t the one in need of rest tonight anyway. “This okay?” She eventually brought herself to ask.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper watched Raven shift around, trying to find a comfortable position. He was tempted to offer to sleep on the floor and let her have the bed, but if he could get up in the middle of the night without disturbing her, it would defeat the purpose of her being here to begin with. So he waited for her to settle, and... it felt strange to have her arm across his bare chest, but not really in an uncomfortable way. Just strange. But it wasn't the strangest thing to happen tonight. "It's fine," he said. "It's good." He'd been pushing people away for months, but he was still someone who liked contact and the comfort of touch. He'd pushed everyone away... except Raven. Maybe this wasn't so strange that it was her here tonight.

He wrapped his arm around her back and pulled her closer without thinking much about it, and slid his other hand up the arm resting over his chest. He closed his eyes, though even with the alcohol in him, he didn't think sleep would come easily. He wasn't drunk enough to black out. "I've only ever shared a bed with Monty before," he admitted. Surely she would know he meant they'd slept in the same bed, not that anything had ever happened with Monty. Even if it had, he certainly wouldn't be sharing that information with anyone. "I don't think I snore."

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

She inhaled not quite gasping as he pulled her even closer to his body. It was the closest she’d ever been to another person in what felt like ages. She couldn’t help but be aware of that. Aware of her leg folded over his own, aware of his heart beating beneath the chest she currently had her arm slung over. Her own heart beat faster the more she thought about it. She almost sighed in relief when he spoke. So casually like being this close to another person was completely natural. It probably was. Perhaps she was the anomaly in this equation. “Monty, huh?” she said with a smirk shifting her head up inches away from his own so that he could see it, with obvious teasing in her tone. “I’ll try to be as good a bed mate as him.” Big shoes to fill.

“I’ll make sure to give you a gentle shove if you do.” Her smirk shifted to one of fake innocence at the wildly contradicting words in 'gentle shove.' Before breaking the façade with a chuckle, reverberating against him with how close they were. It was almost comical the way this intimacy unnerved her. But it always had. It’s why she’d actively avoided it in the past...until now. It’s why she wanted to fill the silence, so she selfishly wouldn’t have to think too much about it. If Raven had been a better person, she’d keep her mouth shut and slowly allow Jasper the rest he deserved. “Besides, you don’t have to worry about any of that stuff with me.” She didn’t want him feeling self-conscious while he lay next to her. Then he’d never rest. “I just want you to close your eyes,” as she spoke the words, her hand travelled from his chest to stroke his cheek, “and feel at least a little better when you open them,” she said with real sincerity. That's the reason Raven was here after all. Why she’d promised to stay with him as long as it took to help him recover.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper looked down at Raven when she pulled back to look at him. The false innocence on her face when she said she'd give him a 'gentle shove' if he snored actually made his lips curls slightly, and he snorted before she broke down and laughed. Her body shook slightly against his as she laughed, which felt sort of nice. To be reminded that laughter was still possible, but physically now.

As she continued to speak, telling him not to worry, that she just wanted him to rest, he felt her hand creep up to his cheek. That was when Jasper felt his heart rate speed up a little. For some reason, the hand against his cheek felt like a more intimate gesture than her staying here, than her body pressed to his, her leg resting over his own. He closed his eyes, and turned his face into her touch a little in spite of himself, even if it threatened to make him cry again. "That's a tall order," he said of the idea that he might feel better in the morning. Without thinking, the had looped around her back lifted to stroke what he could of her hair, given it was in a ponytail. "I'm not sure I can actually sleep without a lot more of that moonshine," he admitted. He'd started to adjust to sleeping sober after the rationing took away his booze, but now there was fresh trauma all over again. "Easier to black out." Somehow he doubted Raven was going to get up and get the bottle for him again, though.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

“You don’t need moonshine when you’ve got me,” she said with a smile. Though she didn’t mean it to sound cocky Raven couldn’t help it, her tone of voice always seemed to lean towards arrogance. “How about I…try something?” She hesitated as an idea struck her. A possibly terrible idea that she would later regret but...well she had to try. If not now, then when? “Close your eyes Jasper,” she asked before shuffling up so they were at eye level. With her hand still on his cheek, Raven pressed her forehead lightly against his own, hesitating again for a moment before she finally closed her own eyes and started to hum.

It was the melody of a lullaby her mother used to sing to her. The words lost through time and buried under the memories of neglect and anguish so that all Raven was left with was the tune. It was all she had to remind her of her actual mother’s love. A tune she’d never dared sing aloud because it...hurt too much. But she could at least remember that it always used to work for her when she was little. Slowly a tear fell on to her cheek, as the full weight of what almost happened tonight started to hit her, paired with the pain of hearing the old lullaby. But Jasper was worth that pain and more. The pain was a welcome reminder that A.L.I.E could never again take her memories from her….take this memory from her. A crack in her voice forced her to finally stop. She didn’t want to alert Jasper to the emotional turmoil she’d put herself in, though it was too late now. So instead, in the silence, Raven softly kissed his forehead, her lips lingering for a moment, reassuring him through the intimacy of the contact. Something Raven wasn’t usually great with. But she’d make an exception for Jasper, she thought, blinking the remaining tears from her eyes. After all, these were exceptional circumstances. 

OOC: Kinda imagined something like THIS

Tag: @jasper420