Permanent Solution

[Deleted]

Jasper limped out of the computer room, pausing to smile at his friends' laughter as he came around one of the rovers. They'd be fine. They'd be fine without him. Jasper had hugged his best friend goodbye, even if Monty didn't now that, and it was enough. Monty would know Jasper had still loved him before he died.

They'd taken his gun after Monty shot him and tied him up, but he'd found another one easily.  He briefly considered breaking into where they'd locked up the alcohol, but decided not to waste the booze on a dead man. He shoved his goggles onto his head for the first time since before being taken to Mount Weather, and they felt strange on his head after so long, and without his hair. But it was another gesture to Monty, that he still loved him. Though by the time he got to the entrance of the camp, he realized they were going to wind up covered in bits of brain matter and skull, so he dropped them on the ground just beyond the entrance to camp, hoping whoever found them would get them to Monty.

He had decided to go out into the woods so that Monty would be less likely the one to discover his body. Maybe an animal would find his body and drag it away, and his disappearance would forever be a mystery. He felt oddly calm as he limped through the trees. Maybe the pain in his leg was distracting him from the pain in his heart. Or maybe he was calm because he knew it would be over soon. He'd felt peace for the first time in months in the City of Light, relief from the agony of living in his shattered mess of a brain. He'd started to feel better when saving Raven had briefly given him purpose, but now what was there? Clarke and her girlfriend's code had taken down the City of Light, with Raven and Monty's help, and the world was safe again. Jasper would just go back to being useless... weak... pathetic... a waste of breath... That's what Alie had called him through Raven's mouth. And she was right. About all of it.

His perfect peace had been yanked out from under him, and he would descend back into agony again, he knew. The City of Light had been a temporary fix. So had the moonshine. This time, Jasper was going to make sure the end to his suffering was permanent. When he was far enough out that he thought his friends wouldn't hear the gunshot if they weren't outside, Jasper leaned back against a tree. He took in the world for the last time--a world that seemed so beautiful and full of life on his first day on the ground, but now only reminded him of death--and tucked the gun up under his chin, finger on the trigger. "See you on the other side," he breathed to no one, and then drew several heavy breaths, willing himself to just pull it.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

They did it. Dammit they beat A.L.I.E. It was finally over. Raven could hardly believe it. Watching Jasper be Jasper again instead of the blank soldier A.L.I.E turned him into filled her with relief she hadn’t felt since this all started. Raven smiled as Harper and Monty shared a moment together, no longer wanting to impose she slowly walked out of the room. Someone needed to patch that kid up and since there was no one else, she’d have to be up for the job. Only he wasn’t there. “Jasper?” ---No answer. Where the hell was he? He couldn’t have gotten far, not with that leg. And why would he…

No. Oh god. She had to find him and fast. Raven knew better than anyone what the city of light did to people. The way it slowly took away pieces of who you are and disguised it as happiness. She’d bought into the sales pitch after all and so had Jasper. That look on his face…the pain in it. She knew that look. She’d seen it time and time again, after her mom, Finn…Sinclair. It was far too familiar for her to miss. But none of that would matter if she was too late. Because if he was planning what she knew deep down he was…?

After briefly scanning the room, Raven made her way outside to the entrance. Knowing that’s where he’d be. Because if it was her…it was exactly where she would go. Just far enough that no one would hear it. Running as fast as she could with her bum leg, she felt the wind knocked out of her the moment her eyes landed on him. The gun pressed below his jaw, eyes closed. Damn her to hell if she was losing another goddamn person. “JASPER NO!” She yelled before she even reached him. “Don’t do this!” She was the last person who should be talking him down. Monty, Harper…hell anyone would be better suited for this. But he was stuck with her so she had to think of something. Right. Now. He saved her life before. Now it was time to return the favour.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper jumped when he heard Raven shout, his hands automatically tilting the gun forward away from his head as his eyes flew open. The calm he'd been feeling on his way out here shattered as his heart started to race and he suddenly lost his breath. He pressed his head back against the tree, eyes wide and wild, but looking at nothing.

Raven was here. Why was Raven here?

"What are you doing out here?" he asked her after a moment, voice shaking suddenly, but he wasn't able to look at her. She shouldn't have seen that. That was... private. Jasper cursed himself for not puling the trigger right way. He lowered his hands anyway--he couldn't shoot himself in front of anyone--holding them out in front of him as if he could keep her from coming close, though he pointed the gun at the ground. They were trembling as the familiar wash of anxiety came over him. "Please leave me," he said, his tone pleading, even as he knew she wouldn't do what he asked. "Please." His eyes started to prickle as he begged, going glassy with unshed tears.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

The moment he lowered the gun, Raven exhaled in relief. But this wasn’t over yet. They were in for the fight of their lives. Forget A.L.I.E or the grounders. Right now, Jasper was his own worst enemy. And no way was she gonna let him fight this alone. Tears prickled behind her eyes against her will at the sound of his voice. The misery in his plea…begging her to leave. Like. Hell. “I know what you’re thinking of doing.” She began, the trembling in her tone betraying her as the tears finally fell to her cheeks. “I’m not going to let you.” He would have to shoot her first.

Slowly Raven began to approach him, holding both hands out in front of her as a sign of peace. “Give me the gun Jasper.” Her face a picture of empathy. She would never fully understand exactly what he’d been through, but she had an idea. If anyone could relate to how he felt in this moment, it was Raven. It’s why he’d been the one to get her out from under A.L.I.E’s spell in the first place. They were bonded in their experiences together. She was his friend and he needed her now more than ever. Even if he couldn’t see that yet. Raven refused to fail him now. Not after everything he’d done for her. “I need you to trust me. Just for a moment.” The most important moment of his life. “That’s all. Just for a single second find as much strength as you can then fake the rest. And give me the gun.” Holding her hand out, all she needed was to buy some time to talk him out of this. But she couldn’t do that with the threat of him blowing his brains out at any moment hanging over her.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

The trembling in Raven's voice made Jasper look over at her. The wetness on her cheeks just made him feel worse. She didn't need to cry. Not over him. His suffering would be over if she hadn't come out here after him. That would have been a good thing. His face crumpled in despair at the thought that he was hurting her right now, but all he wanted was to stop himself from hurting. Tears ran down his face and he clenched his eyes shut, turning his head away from her and trying not to just start sobbing.

His hand tightened on the grip of the gun when she asked for it, and he lifted it slightly, just for a second thinking maybe he could just do it in front of her. Why should he spare her seeing what she refused to walk away from?

But he couldn't. He couldn't even bear to see the tears on her face; he couldn't give her the memory of watching him blow his brains out, knowing she hadn't been able to stop him. He pointed the gun back at the ground again.

"I can't," he said when she finished, his voice cracking, still shaking. "I can't. I can't go back to how it was before, Raven. I don't want to live in this skin anymore." Tears were still rolling down his cheeks. "I should have the choice not to."

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

“Dammit Jasper,” she snapped momentarily, desperation betraying her before sighing in defeat at his words. But she wasn’t giving up that easily. She wasn’t going to give up on him at all. He’d saved their asses on more than one occasion. She wasn’t the only one who was alive because of him and the things that he’d done. “I can’t…lie to you and say that we’re all gonna be happy again real soon. Because you’d know that’s bullshit.” She wasn’t the person to promise him that when she didn’t believe it herself. Hell it’s how A.L.I.E got to her in the first place. Life on the ground had been a fight since the start, but they had lost too much and too many people to just throw it away now. Their deaths couldn’t be in vain.

“But you and I both know that I am alive because of you. That we all are.” Now that was the truth. He had to at least believe that she was being honest with him. “You’re life matters Jasper…You matter. And if you pull that trigger you don’t get to pretend that it’s anything but selfish.” It was harsh. Maybe if she’d just had the foresight to call Monty to come with her when she’d realised something was up, he’d know exactly what to say. But this was all Raven could offer. “You don’t get to pretend that we’d all be better off without you because that’s just a goddamn lie and you know it.” With poorly hidden desperation lining every word Raven gestured once more to the gun. “So no I refuse to give you that choice, because if anyone’s gonna be selfish here…then dammit it’s gonna be me.” After everything, if she didn't give up...then he sure as hell didn't get to either.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper flinched when Raven snapped, opening his eyes to look at her, his expression still pained, his eyes narrowed. At lest she wasn't promising happiness, like Monty had. He knew Monty had meant well, but Jasper wasn't convinced happiness was possible in this world anymore. He hadn't taken the chip because he thought it was a good idea, not after he saw everything Raven went through. He'd taken it because he'd given up. In a sense, it was a suicide too.

Jasper wanted to argue with Raven. But everything she said was true. Except for one thing. "My life mattered," he corrected. "Past tense. There's nothing now, and it's going to be worse this time, because I felt..." He drew a gasping breath, continuing to ignore his own tears. "I was so happy. And people keep..." He sniffed hard. "People keep taking away my options. I was going to kill Cage, but Clarke pulled a lever instead. Abby stopped me from taking the chip the first time. Pike took away the only thing that let me sleep at night. And then the City of Light..." His voice gradually rose as he spoke, getting more pained.

He shook his head and finally ran his hand over his face. His heart was still thudding painfully in his chest, but he knew this wouldn't end how he wanted it to, no matter what. He'd just have to find another opportunity, another time. He transfered the gun into his other hand, gripping it by the barrel and holding it out to her with the grip facing her. "I should be used to this by now, right?" he asked, his voice going flat again.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

His words pained her. Because now she was on that list. Taking away his choice to do this. But what he failed to understand was that they did what they did because they cared about him. She had to do what was best for him even if he didn’t see that yet. Raven would make him see it. Even if it took every goddamn day for the rest of her life. However long that would last in this place.

Grabbing the gun from Jasper the moment he offered it, Raven practically lunged at him. Her arms were wrapped tight around him before her mind had fully registered what her body was doing. Raven wasn’t exactly a hugger or someone who easily showed emotion and vulnerability. But right now it was all she could do. Slowly she registered movement. Shaking? It took her a moment to realise it was her. She was sobbing into the embrace with no sign of stopping. Raven had come so close to losing yet another person she cared about. The relief overwhelmed her. “Don’t…you…ever…do that to me again,” she all but whispered between each trembling breath. The gun in a lock tight grip in her hand in case he got any ideas about taking it back.

Raven wasn’t stupid, she knew this wasn’t over. Far from it. But this was something. It was a start and she would take it. “I’m not losing you too,” she said finally letting go of the tight grip she’d had around him. “Let’s go back inside so I can patch that up,” nodding to the nasty wound on his leg, she held out a hand. In the same way he’d held out the gun. “And we can talk,” So she could reach the part of him that wanted to live. A part of him she knew was still there. “Just me and you.” Reassurance, knowing he wouldn’t want to get Monty involved in this. Maybe it would prove to be a huge mistake, but Raven knew it’s what she’d want if she were on the other side of this.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper flinched again when Raven practically flung herself at him, hugging him tightly. He didn't want this. He didn't want someone to hold him, comfort him, and for a moment, he just stood there, not embracing her back. But then she started shaking against him, sobbing, and Jasper realized she was hugging him to comfort herself more than him. It made his chest ache, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly as he lifted his chin to rest it on the top of her head. How could she care this much whether he lived or died when he didn't? Jasper almost wanted be angry about it, because if she was reacting this way now, how would she react when he finally did kill himself? He didn't need that guilt on top of everything else.

Eventually, she pulled back and suggested going back to camp so she could patch him up and they could talk. He was grateful she at least didn't seem to want to bring Monty into it. At least for now. "There's nothing to talk about," he told her, but he took her offered hand anyway. there was probably plenty to talk about, But Jasper didn't want to. "Also, I'm not a carburetor. When did you learn to fix humans?"

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven held onto his hand for dear life. Not letting go even as they walked further inside camp. Almost like she was tethering him to the land of the living. If he was willing to go with her, then he was willing to talk to her. Or at least he would be. Eventually. She cared about him, and he knew her well enough to know she would never judge him or hold this against him. Jasper needed to know he was worth something, at least to her. He was more than a drunken idiot after all.

She smiled at his question, relieved to hear a part of her friend through all the pain. “Humans are basically machines right?” Looking him up and down feigning confidence, she continued. “How hard can it be?” Nothing in the history of humanity ever succeeded after speaking those words, but Raven couldn’t help herself. Even managing a chuckle at how bad an idea this was. She was no doctor. Hell she could barely manage stitching her clothes together, but this was the hand they’d been dealt. It was almost like some sick metaphor for Raven ending up being the one to have to talk Jasper down. While being drastically unsuited to the task…she’d just have to do. “There’s a medical kit in my workshop, we can probably use that?” She didn’t mean to phrase it as a question, but the closer they got the more her bravado started to fade. As they walked in, it was almost completely gone. “I’m sure it’ll be fine,” she said fetching the kit, unable to even convince herself let alone Jasper.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Raven's hand was tight around Jasper's, like she thought he might run away. The thought hadn't occurred to Jasper to run. If he did, she'd just follow him, and then they'd both be running around the woods on bum legs. Jasper considered making a dumb joke about their matching limps--they were probably a sorry sight, if anyone was looking--but he didn't feel it. Besides, if he lived long enough to heal, his limp was probably temporary. Hers wasn't.

Jasper just let her guide him inside, his lips twitching slightly when she laughed. He couldn't really smile, and he hated that he couldn't. It used to be so easy to smile at Raven. She was smart and talented and she'd saved their asses many times. She was pretty too, not that there had ever been any opportunity where that opinion on her might matter between them. Jasper was very fond of her, though. Hell, she'd punched him in the face twice recently, and he'd still walked her back to the rover and gave her his jacket later. She didn't deserve to have to deal with him like this.

And how was it that she could laugh after everything she's been through?

Maybe she was just stronger than him.

By the time they got to her workshop, she seemed less and less sure of herself where it came to treating Jasper's leg. "Your confidence is overwhelming," he deadpanned, looking around the room and suddenly wondering how they were going to do this. The bullet was in the back of his lower thigh, maybe a few inches above his knee, and his pants weren't loose enough to roll up that high. He also didn't particularly want to rip them open. But he wasn't sure just dropping his pants in front of Raven was something she was comfortable with. "Ah, I really can walk around with a bullet in me until a real doctor is back in camp." He didn't have any body shame, minus how he occasionally still felt about the scar on his chest, but he didn't know if Raven had thought this through yet. Besides, she didn't need to waste her time on him.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

She smiled at his sarcastic response, enjoying this moment of normalcy between them. It was a credit to their collective experiences that stitching up a bullet wound counted as normal. But hell she would take it. Anything that could give her hope that they could come back from this. That he could come back from this. If he was willing to sit here and let her inevitably make a mess of this then surely he wasn’t too far gone. Slowly she lay the kit on a bench and turned to look at Jasper expectantly. He got shot in the leg after all, she was going to need to see the thing if they had any hope of fixing it up. But his comment gave her the impression perhaps he wasn’t exactly eager to drop ‘em in front of her. “Lucky for you, I have a little experience with this,” unfortunately this being getting shot rather than removing the bullet. “And I know for a fact the longer that stays in there, the worse it’ll be for you.”

Folding her arms over her chest, Raven looked him up and a down, unable to resist the slight upturn of her lips into the beginnings of a smirk. “So the only question left here is, are you gonna take your pants off...or am I?” Despite being phrased as a teasing threat, Raven was deadly serious. She may have a slight disadvantage with her leg but for now so did Jasper. And he knew her well enough to know she’d tie him down to fix him up if she had to. Though Raven hoped it wouldn’t have to come to that. Her mind already straying to thoughts of some old cables she might have lying around…

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

He frowned at her comment that she had experience with this and that the longer the bullet stayed inside him, the worse it would be. He didn't think her being a patient having a bullet removed counted as experience, and a bullet pressed to someone's spine was far more dangerous than just one lodged in muscle. He was going to say something in return, but then she looked him over, with a tiny smirk, and asked if he was going to undress himself or if she needed to.

His brows lifted, his expression skeptical for a moment, but then he limped over to a chair so he could start untying his boots. He pants wouldn't come off without taking them off first, and he'd rather be half-naked than walking around with his pants around his knees or ankles. "You're wasting your time," he told her honestly. "What I said out there... that's not going to change once the bullet is out of me and you've given my another ugly scar." The last of that, the part about the ugly scar, was meant to be a tease about her ability to sew him shut, but he wasn't sure he'd managed the tone. Tears were welling in his eyes again as he got both his shoes off and started unfastening his pants.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

She breathed a sigh of relief when he decided to comply and started removing his boots. A funny little part of her was almost disappointed that he didn’t force her to make that decision for him. The image alone almost bringing a smile to her face. But instead his words sobered her. Reminding her of the internal struggle he was still going through. “You’re never a waste of my time,” she blurted out before she could carefully think through what to say to him. He was her friend, hell her family after everything they’d been through. And dammit she needed him to know that. “You underestimate me Jasper, and yourself. I’m not going to leave you or ever let you do…that.” She couldn’t even bring herself to say it. The thought alone making her stomach turn.

The moment she saw the tears in his eyes, her body instinctively moved towards him, leaning down a hand on each shoulder. Physical comfort wasn’t one of her strong suits, but this didn’t feel wrong. “It makes me…physically hurt when I think about what would’ve happened if I hadn’t gotten to you in time, if I hadn’t…figured out exactly where you’d be and what you’d do.” She added the last part to let him know that he wasn’t alone, that his response, while it was wrong…was still totally understandable. Because Raven knew that feeling of wanting to give up intimately, having been one of the first to give in to A.L.I.E. But it was Jasper that pulled her out of that. So she had to be the one to pull him out of this.

His comment about the scar registered with her on a deep level. She was still self-conscious about the one running down half her back. Letting go of him, she took a step back after not realising just how close she’d gotten into his personal space. “And I don’t appreciate you doubting my skills…these hands,” she paused, holding them up. “have done some pretty amazing things.”
 
Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper's hands stilled where they had been unfastening his pants when Raven leaned over and held his shoulders, and he blinked, letting his tears spill without wiping them. There was something about what she said, something trying to tell him something, but he couldn't quite grasp it right now. When she stood back, he stood too. "I know they have," Jasper said, acknowledging her comment about her hands having done amazing things. "And terrifying things," he added, his lips twitching a little. He meant the last part as a teasing compliment.

After a moment, he sighed and pulled open his pants. "What are you going to do, Raven? Follow me to my room and sleep against the door so I can't leave? What about when everyone comes back and you have to work, and I'm still just..." Useless. Weak. Pathetic. A waste of breath. He shook his head, dropping his pants and kicking out of them awkwardly, touching her shoulder for balance on his bad leg. He glanced around, trying to decide how best to do this, and then lifted himself onto one of her work tables, laying on his side with his back to her so she could get to the wound more easily. This was going to hurt. And for what?

Suddenly, Jasper caught on to what had escaped him the first time. "If I hadn’t... figured out exactly where you’d be and what you’d do." Had Raven wanted to kill herself before? She's obviously sought escape from her pain if she'd taken the chip, but had she ever actually considered ending her life, destroying her physical body? "Have you ever wanted to do... to kill yourself?" His voice creaked, but he wasn't crying. "I wasn't going to take the chip. Not after what Alie did to you, but... I gave up." He didn't really see any reason to not still give up. Except that now Raven was apparently determined to keep him alive. "I just gave up."

Tag: cherry1