Permanent Solution

[cherry1]

Raven stood with her arms folded as she waited for Jasper to take off his pants, trying to steel her features as he spoke. She just wanted to be there for him. To help him. Even if selfishly she just didn’t want to lose anyone else she cared about. His comment about her taking his choice away entering her mind. “If I have to,” she answered honestly. If following him around, hell if tying him up was what it was going to take to save him then she’d gladly do it. “You’re still just what?” Perhaps making him address his reasons and his fears out loud would be helpful. For both of them.

Holding him up she watched him as he laid down in front of her. Allowing tears she’d been holding in to fall once his back was to her. She refused to be weak again in front of him. He didn’t need that from her now. He needed strength. And Raven needed to be that for him. Slowly Raven took out a bottle of pure alcohol from a makeshift bottle in the kit, must be some of that god awful drink Monty made, preparing to pour over the wound before he spoke. Forcing her to pause her movements. She stood in silence for a moment. “This is going to sting a little,” she finally said before pouring the contents over the wound to clean it. “Sorry,” she added before taking a cloth to clean away some of the dried blood so she could better see what she was doing.

After a long pause, Raven finally decided to speak. “I’ve lost a lot of people but after,” she stilled her hands for a moment before continuing. God, even after all this time it still hurt to say his name. “Finn,” she finally managed to say. “In that moment, I…didn’t want to…exist anymore.” It was difficult to admit. She’d never said it out loud before let alone told somebody else. Raven vaguely remembered collapsing into Bellamy’s arms but the memory of him, the moment his head slumped as the life literally left his body…now that…that was burned into her mind forever. Even A.L.I.E knew to use it to push her over the edge and force her to comply. The pain of it unbearable even now. “It’s how A.L.I.E turned me back into one of her little soldiers.” She added without really thinking. “I’ve never told anyone that before, any of it.” Her tone one of surprise at herself. This isn’t how she’d anticipated this night going. Jasper was the one that was supposed to bear his soul not her. What was she thinking telling him that?

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

"Nevermind," Jasper said, when Raven asked him to finish what he was saying. He didn't know how to say it. He might crumble if he explained to her in his own words how he felt, and he sure as hell wasn't going to throw the words she'd said to him under the influence of Alie back at her. If anyone ever repeated some of the things he said while chipped back to him... it would be too much to take. He'd threatened Harper's life. The memory of pressing that gun against the glass so Raven and Monty could see it, knowing he had Harper unconscious made his stomach turn.

He sucked in a sharp breath, then let out a grunt of pain as whatever Raven put on his leg burned like hell. He tried to keep the pain in as she wiped at the wound later, gritting his teeth and bearing it. "That was worse than the getting shot part," he replied to her offered sorry. They both knew why the getting shot part wasn't an issue.

There was a long pause, and Jasper wondered if Raven was going to answer his question. But then she started talking, taking long pauses at times. She hadn't wanted to exist anymore after Finn died. That wasn't the same thing as wanting to kill yourself, but it was pretty close. "Your secret's safe with me," he said when she finished, trying to piece together what she meant when she said Alie got her to submit because of Finn until it clicked. Alie gave her back her pain, and bombarded her with it. "I wondered what she was doing to you." He drew a breath, then let it out slowly. "Glad I never pissed her off." He hadn't, because unlike Raven, he was weak and wanted to be pain free.

After a moment, he glanced over his shoulder at her. "I'm glad you're still here," he said, tears in his eyes. He was. Even if she was stopping him from getting relief. Even if she was instrumental in taking down his happy place. Arkadia needed her. Unlike him.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

Maybe it was too soon to get into the specifics of how Jasper was feeling. She didn’t want to scare him away. Raven was just glad she hadn’t pushed too hard. Afraid of risking him shutting her out. They had plenty of time to get there. Especially now with Raven’s very serious plan of staying with him. She hated causing him pain, knowing it’s what the City of Light had helped him avoid. But without pain life had no meaning. It’s what proved you were alive. Without pain, joy didn’t mean anything, not really. Her newfound appreciation for it nearly made her leg bearable. She’d almost missed it…almost.

His promise to keep what she’d said between them, put her at ease. There was no judgement in his words, no disappointment. Jasper understood what giving up felt like more than anyone, so Raven had nothing to fear from him. It took her a moment to realise it was relief she was feeling, at finally telling someone that. Like she could finally let go of some of the shame she’d carried around for submitting and putting everyone else in danger just because she couldn’t handle A.L.I.E. "I'm glad you're still here," her lips turned up into some semblance of smile. “Thanks to you,” she said laying a hand on his shoulder, genuine gratitude in her eyes. “We’ve all got each other now right?” she added with a squeeze before letting go. Repeating the words he’d once said to her almost a life time ago, but that she’d never forgotten. Words that were truer now than ever before. And words that she desperately wanted Jasper to believe.

“The bullet looks superficial which is…good,” obviously spewing bullshit, she was normally better at it than this. But here she was well and truly out of her depth. Laying a hand gently on his thigh just above the wound, she used her other to grab the forceps from the kit. She could see it at least, and it looked simple enough to remove. Here goes… “Are you…ready? I can count to 3 if you want?” She added, though more for herself than for Jasper really. Give her a car or a radio or a goddamn bomb to fix under pressure, and she’d be cool and collected, but a person…a person made her stomach do summersaults at the mere thought of trying to do this.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

“We’ve all got each other now right?” Jasper looked at Raven for a few moments before it struck him why those words sounded familiar. He'd said them to her in what felt like a different life. He'd asked her if she had family, and she'd said no. Just Finn. And he'd wanted to assure her she she did have family now, no matter what happened with Finn. Since saying those words, he'd been disappeared, and when he came back, he wasn't the same guy he'd been before. But she still felt that way about him? His eyes prickled and he turned back away from her, resting his head on the table as wetness dripped over the bridge of his nose. "Right," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. God, could he kill himself with her saying things like that to him?

Raven sounded more unsure than she normally did discussing the bullet in his leg, like she was just trying to reassure him. Jasper didn't think he could get her to change her mind about removing it and stitching her up now, though. "Just do it," he said, when she asked if he wanted her to count to three. When he felt her start to enter the wound, he clenched his jaw, badly stifling the pained noises that came from him. He tried not to moved, or tense his legs, but his entire upper body strained, trying to distract from the pain.

He thumped his fist lightly against the table when he felt the mass of the bullet pass out of him, swallowing a whimper of pain, and then just focusing on breathing for a moment. The wound hurt worse now, and Jasper vaguely wondered how Raven had managed to handle having a bullet cut out from her spine. "Not to be ungrateful, but you should stick to machines," Jasper said, aiming for as light a tone as he could manage, wanting to reassure her even though he was teasing her.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

The crack in his voice pained her heart. Japer had grown to be such an important part of her life and all she wanted to do was show that. She’d meant what she’d said. Jasper was her family now. It’s why she was fighting so hard to save him. With his blessing she gently…or as gently as she could, began removing the bullet from the wound with the forceps. Trying as hard as she could to steady her hand and get it out cleanly. Raven sure as hell didn’t want to cause any more damage. Jasper was lucky that it wasn’t serious. It could’ve been a lot worse. As soon as the bullet was finally out, she exhaled, letting out a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. “There.” The hard part was over. Some blood dribbled out of the open wound but not enough to cause any real concern. All that was left now was to stitch it closed.

“I deserved that,” she said with a short chuckle at his teasing remark. She couldn’t blame him though, medicine had never even been a hobby of hers. “I’m just gonna stitch you up, then you’ll be as good as new,” a figure of speech of course. While she was, all be it badly, fixing the physical wound, it would be a long road ahead to recover from the emotional pain he was in. Even then it might not be a full recovery. Raven knew that better than most. But she was determined to be there every step of the way. Jasper would never have to feel alone again. And maybe selfishly...she wouldn't be either.

After wiping away the fresh blood, she took the needle and thread in one hand, the other hand on the wound. “I’m a pro and sewing clothes, how different can it be?” She asked rhetorically, a teasing tone in her voice in an attempt to lift the mood slightly before she began. Slowly but surely, she stitched the wound closed. It wasn’t the prettiest thing but she got the job done at least. “Done.” She announced as soon as it was shut. With a bit of cloth, she bandaged his thigh to cover the wound. No way was she letting it get infected after all the work she’d just put into it. Taking a swig of the alcohol, she let it burn down her throat as a satisfied grin graced her features. “Abigail Griffin eat your heart out.”

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Good as new. Jasper would never be good as new again. He would be lucky if he even got back to who he'd been after being speared in the chest. But Jasper kept his mouth shut. She knew as well as he did that her sewing up his leg wasn't going to fix what was really wrong with him. He clenched his jaw as she stitched him up, hissing a couple of times when the needle pierced the edges of his wound. When she was finished, Jasper tried to look at the wound, but it was in an awkward position for him to see. "I'll take your word on that," he said, at her joke that it was as good as Abby's work. At least this was a scar he wouldn't have to see every time he undressed.

He shifted up to sit, holding his boxers closed so that he didn't slip out the front of them until he was seated, trying to not put too much weight on his leg. "You better be sharing that," he told her, reaching for the bottle in her hand. He took a long gulp, then looked at the bottle, shaking it to determine how much was left. Not much. "I could probably get us some more of this, if you want," he said, taking another gulp. There was no one in Arkadia right now to enforce rationing anymore. And Jasper didn't know what else to do. If he was being forced to live, he could at least get a little numb.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

She hesitated slightly when he took the bottle. Not wanting to help him drown his sorrows like this. But finding solace in the bottom of a bottle was a hell of a lot better than finding it through the barrel of a gun any day. So she relented, letting him get a little pain relief, whether that be physical or emotional she didn’t care. And she certainly wouldn’t judge. Raven wasn’t exactly a model example of how to deal with pain. She’d been one of the first to try to do that with that godforsaken little blue pill. Another thing she couldn’t forgive herself for. Let’s add that to the ever growing list shall we, because why the hell not...

“You know what, that’s probably the best idea I’ve heard all day,” she said with a sad smile. “Besides, I think we could both do with a stiff drink.” That much was true. And perhaps after downing a couple, Raven would feel more comfortable prying and Jasper would feel more comfortable sharing. It was probably a very bad idea, but Raven couldn’t think of anything better. Stepping back she bent and grabbed Jasper’s pants before handing them to him. Consciously she kept her eyes on his face not allowing them to drift any lower down to his undressed state now that he was all fixed up and she had no excuse. “Lead the way,” she said, clearing her thoughts with a half-smile.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper was relieved when she thought drinking sounded like a good idea. "I think you're right," he said, when she said they could both use a drink. It wasn't actually a good idea, he knew. She probably knew that too, but she wasn't protesting. Just like she, Monty, and Harper hadn't protested when he'd brought up needing a drink after he'd hugged Monty goodbye in the computer room. It seemed strange, after the last few months of him drinking himself into a stupor, but maybe none of them knew what to do with him now after what had happened. Whatever it was, he wouldn't complain. Jasper took his pants when Raven offered them and got into them carefully before going to put his shoes back on.

He limped out of the shop with Raven limping along behind him. His leg hurt worse than it did before, and he favored his bad leg as he lead them to the safe behind the bar. He still had what he'd used to get his handcuffs off in his pocket, so he started to work on the lock. "Learned this from a guy on Farm. Little older than me," he said absently. "Pretty sure he got floated for theft right before I went to lockup... The Ark was fucked up." The lock turned and he opened the door, satisfied with his success. "Not that Earth is any better."

He pulled out two bottles, more than they needed, but maybe he'd want more later, and looked back at her. "Your place or mine?" he wasn't really in the mood to flirt, but his tone had a teasing edge of it.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

She watched as he picked the lock, a sad smile gracing her features as she too rememebered who taught her to pick locks. A shaggy haired boy  sharing his slim rations while she all but starved under her mother’s care. If that’s what you could call it. The ark wasn’t the only fucked up thing in her childhood. “Agreed,” she replied quietly, trying to pry herself away from her thoughts. Before they got too dark and morbid that she wouldn’t be of any use to Jasper after all.

If anything it just proved that getting drunk was definitely a bad idea for both of them, but still she grabbed a bottle out of Jasper’s hand, enjoying the weight of it in her own before looking up at him. While she technically had a spot with a bed to sleep in, there was little else because she barely used it. Being on her own surrounded by nothing was a breeding ground for misery that she didn’t need. She usually just slept here, in the workshop, a fact she liked to keep to herself to avoid concern or worse yet…pity. So with a teasing smile on her face to match the teasing remark she avoided the potential embarrassment. “Yours,” she said, “But don’t start getting any ideas,” she added with a wink before turning, deciding to play along. Because pretending that the world hadn’t almost just ended because of all of their weakness and that they weren’t messed up because of this place, this place which was supposed to be their salvation…, sounded a hell of a lot more appealing than acknowledging all that. It was a shitty way of dealing, but Jasper knew Raven well enough to know that while she wanted to help him, she couldn’t be anyone else for him. God, she’d make a terrible therapist. Add that to the list.

Raven stayed silent on the short walk to Jasper’s, instead walking slowly from behind him to by his side and without a word, placing a hand into his empty one. Eyes forward. No acknowledgement. As you do.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper didn't know what to expect when they started drinking, but for now, he was glad she was acting like everything was normal. He didn't want her to pity him or feel sorry for him, or treat him like he might fall apart. If he was actually falling apart, that would be different, but right now he wanted to drown his feelings in moonshine. When she teased him that he better not get any ideas, he huffed a breath, blinking at her a few times before leading the way toward his room. "I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I did," he admitted quietly, which was... strange. He was still a virgin, but he'd never lacked confidence when it came to flirting or fooling around before Mount Weather. But now... it was different. And Jasper didn't know how much of it was due to loyalty to Maya and how much was due to his own sense of confidence and self-worth having been utterly shaken in the last few months.

Jasper's eyebrows went up when she slid her hand into his, and he slightly turned his head to look at their joined hands. He started to look up to her face, but before his gaze reached it, he could tell by his peripheral vision that she wasn't looking back at him, so he looked forward too, his chest aching. God, he really scared the shit out of her, hadn't he? He shifted his hand to lace their fingers together, tightening his hold. It felt strange, but... good. Grounding.

He wondered if he should be embarrassed by his rooms when they finally reached them. He didn't have many personal items. He'd mostly just isolated himself here when they got back from Mount Weather, the goggles Raven returned to him and the clothes on his back had been all he owned until he absolutely had to get a change of clothes because the clothes he'd worn out of Mount Weather had started to reek of moonshine sweat. He hadn't bothered with much else since, and there were several empty bottles he hadn't cleaned up from before.

"Mi casa es tu casa," he deadpanned, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed without thinking to let her hand go first. He looked over the room as he let go of her finally and opened the bottle in his hand, taking a long drink. "I'd give it an A+ on the cocktails, but a D- in atmosphere." He didn't want anything they brought back from Mount Weather. Not furniture, not books, not even Maya's favorite painting.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

His honest reply to her teasing statement caught her off guard for a moment. She’d never given much thought to Jasper’s past experiences with girls. Hell there’d even been a short period of time where she hadn’t been sure if girls were even his thing. But his admission was curious. Though now wasn’t the time to pry about that aspect of his life…especially since Maya. So she brushed it off, avoiding the possible discomfort all together. She instead decided to go with the teasing…“Maybe I’ll give you a couple tips someday.” Because hiding behind crude jokes was definitely the healthy way to go...

She felt unexpected relief when he didn’t pull away from her. It was almost like the moment his fingers threaded between hers it symbolised something. His willingness to accept her help perhaps? Or something else maybe…? She didn’t want to think too much of it. Finding the meaning behind physical interactions, or anything really wasn’t particularly her strong suit. So she wouldn’t embarrass herself by trying. But it did feel nice. Really nice. While she didn’t look up at him, afraid any acknowledgement might shatter the fragile state of peace they were in, her lips turned up into a small smile.

She sat right next to him on the bed when they entered his rooms because there weren’t a lot of other options and because well…she didn’t really have a choice. Their hands still tightly held together and all. “It’s…great.” Raven refused to be the first to pull away. When he finally did, she took a moment to look around. The room was pretty bare save for a few empty bottles here and there. But she hadn’t exactly expected expert interior design. Just something about it was…sad and empty. It reminded her of her own rooms. But at least she had her workshop… “How about the company?” She asked, nudging him, an eyebrow raised as if daring him to say anything less than stellar. Keeping the conversation light. Though she wasn’t quite sure how long that could realistically last. She knew she’d offered to talk and she’d meant that. But Raven was terrified. And it was written all over her face. If she could, she’d keep the conversation on awkward small talk all night. Instinctively she went for the bottle in Jasper’s hand spilling a little on her trousers as she brought to her lips, anything to keep them occupied and calm her stupid nerves.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

Jasper only huffed a ghost of a laugh at her offering to give him tips, but let it go. Tips weren't really what he needed where that was the case. He just needed to not be broken. To not hate himself so much that the thought of anyone even wanting to sleep with him seemed either ridiculous or like a pity offer.

Once in his room, he didn't fail to notice how close Raven sat to him. Not that he minded. Maybe he needed her close right now. Or maybe she needed him close. He wasn't sure. She didn't bother disguising that she recognized his place was less than inviting or cozy, but then she nudged him and asked abut the company. "Couldn't ask for better," he said. Monty was his best friend, like a brother, but he didn't think Monty understood. Monty was probably closer to understanding than he had been before, after everything he'd gone through recently, but he'd still tried to promise Jasper they would be happy again. jasper couldn't bring himself to believe that. And Raven... well, from their conversation earlier, she understood hopelessness better than Monty did.

He could tell, though, even as Raven was trying to keep the conversation light, that Raven was scared. Uncomfortable at the very least. Jasper hoped the moonshine would kick in soon. When she took the bottle, spilling some on her pants, Jasper suddenly felt like he needed to confort her. Ironic, given the reason they had wound up here in the first place. he let out a small laugh and tried to smile, but he could feel it didn't reach his eyes. "When you said you'd give me tips, I didn't expect you to start inventing reasons to take your pants off too," he teased. "How much have you had to drink already? Did you operate on me drunk?" he added, taking the bottle back and taking a long swig, because he he knew he couldn't keep up the teasing and smiling sober for much longer.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

She gave him a genuine smile at his sincere response. Even if he’d just said that for her benefit she appreciated it nonetheless. Because who were they kidding, she was last person who anyone would think of as the perfect shoulder to cry on. Especially after all those terrible things that had come out of her mouth when A.L.I.E had been controlling her. While he’d accepted her apology, Raven couldn’t help but feel the immense guilt associated with the experience. Sure it was A.L.I.E but she’d been using her body, her memories to get to him. What if that had been the thing to push him over the edge? Raven shuddered at the thought, purging it from her mind. But it did leave her scanning the room again for anything sharp…Raven didn’t get them this far just to lose him now.

She laughed out loud at his words. Letting some of the tension ease from her body. Usually she was better at holding her liquor and wasn’t a clumsy drunk. More of an ‘I bet you I can disarm that bomb in under a minute’ kind of drunk. “If I was gonna take my pants off Jasper…I would take my pants off, reason or no reason,” she said with a teasing wink. At his question, she feigned being offended. “I’ll have you know I was stone cold sober,” she put the bottle down on her other side as she spoke. “But maybe a couple drinks would have helped. Definitely wouldn’t have hurt…” that was for sure. She did an okay job fixing the hole in his thigh, not much she could’ve done for a hole in the head though…the crass thought sent a shiver down her spine at the image it conjured. Not cool, Brain…Not. Cool. “I hope you like scars.” She added matter of factly. At least it wouldn’t be a big one…like her own.

Tag: @jasper420

[Deleted]

They were trying, he thought. They were trying to joke around and lighten the mood, and Jasper managed to smile a little as she teased him back, but it still didn't feel right. Why the hell were they trying to make jokes? Jasper suddenly wondered. "Couldn't have hurt, no," he said, at her comment about how drinks might've helped. "You had moonshine, and didn't even bother to anesthetize your patient," he added, in sarcastic complaint. He reached around her and snatched the bottle back when she made the comment about scars.

"At least this one I won't have to look at much," he said, and whether that was because it was in a weird position to see, or whether that was because he wouldn't be alive much longer, he wasn't sure. Either way, he had a worse scar, the large one on his chest from his spearing, and then subsequently the cutting away of infected flesh. Even after a few months, it was still a dark, mangled stain on his skin. He took another long drink, though he could feel the familiar warmth growing in him as the moonshine started to kick in. That fucking scar.

"Something... broke," he started, then shook his head. He didn't know if he wanted to talk, or if Raven would think he was crazy... but she'd just seen him at his lowest, and was still here. "Something broke in my brain when I got speared." He'd been on the mend before Raven had shown up in camp, but surely she'd heard about it. Or maybe not. Jasper didn't talk about it much. "Something went wrong, but it was manageable before." Before Mount Weather. Before Maya. "It's not anymore." He wasn't sure why he felt so calm right now. Maybe it was the alcohol.

Tag: cherry1

[cherry1]

This one? And then she remembered. She wasn’t the only one to suffer a violent injury on the ground. The spear. Raven hadn’t been here at the time, still in space working on how to get down here. So it slipped her mind now. So stupid, this was exactly the kind of thing Monty or Harper or anyone else would have avoided saying. So of course Raven passively mentioned scars. One of her own an ugly reminder of the injury she suffered through every day. The long messed up jagged line from the bullet wound and the scalpel used to open her up and pull it out. She shivered at the painful memory. Now was not the time to be thinking about her own pain. It was time to help Jasper work through at least some of his. They could try and fix Raven later.

Then he started talking. Hesitantly at first. But it was something. Perhaps scars hadn’t been such a bad idea after all if it got them past the tense small talk to something real. But his words were painful. For him to say…and for her to hear. Raven’s experiences with feeling broken were too real and raw, it’s what she hoped the pill would fix. “You’re not just broken, Jasper.” Because telling him that he wasn’t broken at all would be an insensitive lie. It was nobody else’s right to dictate how you feel. “You are so much more than you think you are. I’ve always known that.” He just needed to know that too. “And if you…if you weren’t here I just…” she couldn’t even put it into words. Afraid of what that very real possibility would do to her.

“Can I see it?” She asked before she could stop herself. The alcohol removing any sort of filter she would have had otherwise. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” She offered, as a sort of compromise for the unusual request.

Tag: @jasper420