A New Dawn

[Clarke Griffin]

Oh they could keep it from them for a long time. The little one would not talk until in a year maybe. Until then nobody would be the wiser as to who the father was. Those who didn’t know would probably assume it was Finn, not Bellamy. No woneder he thought so, too. It was… hurtful, but if it was for the better, so be it. Even if the kid started to call him ‘Dad’ or ‘Daddy’ or whatever they might think it was because of him being around, of him having become the prime male presence in the babies life. They might not make the connection to his actual paternity. He was off the hook so to speak. He did not need to acknowledge anything at all, if he didn’t want to, if he didn’t desire it. He could just walk out of this if he wanted and Clarke didn’t find it in herself to be mad. She would not want to be close to herself.

“Octavia needs to know she’ll be an aunt.” Until now her interest in Clarke was for the child mostly and now it would probably be even more so. She could not blame her. She couldn’t blame either of them for their actions, only herself. Clarke watched him as he told her to thank him when he did something. But he did. He might not see it, but he did. The pregnant woman sat up, shifting until she sat against the pillows. She reached out to touch his cheek, her eyes full of worry and sadness and fearful anticipation and gratitude towards him.

“You’ve done a lot, Bellamy Blake. You might not realize it, but… you’ve done so much already. You… you’re a wonderful person, never forget that. You… you’re going to be a great father.” A great father to their child, her little blessing. And yet she could not voice it, could not say what she felt for him or what she had done. Those horrors were, in her mind, absolutely unforgivable as they should be. She should not be the one pregnant with this blessing. It was entirely misplaced. Yet those three words were on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to spill out, waiting for her to be rejected once and for all. Instead of saying them she moved forward to hug him. It was the only way to hold this back, as she still feared his conversation with Octavia. “You should go. You’re needed. Don’t keep them waiting.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Octavia an aunt. Hearnig her say that brought a small smile to his lips. He wondered how she would react to that. She probably thought she wouldn't have been one any time soon. He was quite surprised by her words, even if he disagreed so heavily with them. A wonderful person? He didn't think himself wonderful, or anything the way she described him, but he felt honored that she thought so highly of him.

"And you're going to be a wonderful mother," he told her in return. She then moved forward to hug him, and he paused only for a brief moment before he wrapped his arms around her in return, basking in the sensation just as he did all night long when he held her. She told him that he should go and wished he didn't have to. "I'll be back soon," he told her, slowly pulling back from the hug as he leaned forward and lightly kissed her forehead. The action was tender, and he hoped she wouldn't react negatively to it. He just couldn't help it. He loved her and . . . he wished the word came out with ease, but they didn't. They couldn't. With that, he rose to his feet once more and hesitantly left her tent. As promised he brought her breakfast, putting most of his in her plate as well for she was eating for two and wanted to make sure she ate enough.

He didn't stay to enjoy it with her for he needed to get started on work. The first thing he did was collecting items to make a crib. Once he collected enough, he proceeded to fulfill his other duties, starting with the weapon inventory. Between doing so, he saw Octavia and decided that this was a good time as any to tell her. He went to her tent with her to tell her in private and . . . her reaction wasn't a good one. In fact, she began to speak of something that happened in the village; of Clarke leaving her and the others to die. No. He couldn't . . . didn't believe that. And yet, it didn't seem too far fetched. He had ended up just walking out, needing a minute to process what Octavia was saying. It was afternoon by now and he had promised Clarke a walk. But . . . he couldn't just pretend like everything was fine. And yet, knew he couldn't stress her out.

What was he to say? How could he act like everything was ok when he had just found out that Clarke was willing to let his sister die? He knew about making hard decisions, but rationality tended to become clouded when his sister was involved. Now it made sense as to why there was tension between Octavia and Clarke. He knew he would have to face this sooner and later. Taking a deep breath, he walked into Clarke's tent, which prompted Abby to leave with a bit of a nod. But Bellmay just stood near the entrance, avoiding looking at her, unable to look at her in this moment. "I talked to Octavia," he began, his voice emotionless, for he was trying to suppress all his emotions from unveiling themselves. He didn't want to snap at her . . . so started the conversation in this way, wondering if she understood what he meant.

[Clarke Griffin]

It took her a long time before she started to eat the breakfast, just because she was staring at what he brought her. She had a suspicion about it as soon as she saw the pure amount of it. He had given her part of his, for the baby. He really meant it. He would take care of it, it broke her heart to know what was about to happen, so she ate slowly, savoring this gesture for as long as she could, even though she damn well know it would not last long. As soon as he spoke to Octavia about it, it would be a miracle if he still wanted to see her or spend a lot of time with her. His sister had always been his priority, while she had been an ally and a quick fuck, insignificant enough for him to simply forget about the moment shared between them. She wouldn’t. 

Clarke spent the day being distracted by her mother and others, having what felt like pleasant conversations with friends, but her mind never really left Bellamy and his conversation with Octavia. She hated to not know what would happen. She hated to fear it, but at the same time, at least she could anticipate it. And prepare for it. She did everything she could to not get too upset later, stayed in bed, despite being cleared to get up .Whatever could help the baby later. Or rather sooner. Her mother had just been checking on the two of them, when Bellamy came in, so she left. The way he positioned himself spoke volumes. He didn’t even need to say anything, she knew already. Clarke sat up and leaned against the pillows. 

“I see.” She expected it, had prepared for it, but it didn’t mean it hurt any less. She had to repeat to herself, how yes of course, he had to choose his sisters side. She wanted him to. She wanted him to choose his family, but she was not part of it, the child was. Clarke knew she could make excuses, could easily blame it all entirely on Lexa, save her own skin, but she couldn’t lie to him. “So you know what I did.”


Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She knew he knew. Suddenly, last night made sense. Why she had gotten so upset, why she had spoken to him the way she had. She knew it was only going to be a matter of time until he found out. He needed to keep calm. Under other circumstances, he would have been far more expressive of his anger than he was right now. But . . . she was pregnant. The last time he'd caused her stress resulted in pain and he didn't want to do that again. But nor could he just leave this, push it aside, pretend like it didn't happen.

"It's more what you didn't do," he pointed out, trying to keep his voice steady, though it was serious, stern even. She didn't warn Octavia. Octaavia had been there, and Clarke didn't do anything to warn her. Is that why she lied to him, because she knew she wouldn't be trying to save her? Bellamy would have found out either way if he got out and his sister was dead. "Tell me it's not true, Clarke," he said to her, finally forcing his eyes to rest on her face. He needed to see the expression she held. He needed to know how true this was. "Tell me you didn't leave Octavia in Tondc to die." That Clarke had warned her about the missile; that she did what she could to protect her. That was all Bellamy wanted to hear. It's not how Octavia told the story but . . . he was willing to hear Clarke out. He was willing to hear the other side, and he desperately hoped it was one that wasn't as bad as Octavia's.

[Clarke Griffin]

He had every reason to be angry at her, to look at her like she was the worst person around, because she simply was. She knew, though, that it would not be fair on either of them to say what really happened. What really caused all of that disaster. Clarke had been prepared for this, though, had thought it through before it happened. She knew she could try and hold onto this, them. But she also knew it was not fair on him or Octavia. They had every right to be angry and disappointed at her, even though she tried to stop it. 

“I can’t.” She knew she had to look at him and so she did. She looked into his eyes as she said what broke her heart and would probably make him turn away from her for good. “Because that’s exactly what I did.” No point in saying how she tried to convince Lexa to get them to evacuate the city, but her arguments held firm and Octavia, there was simply no time to get her. She had left her there to die, had killed all these people, just for… just so their inside man would not be discovered. This was something she could not tell him. Not now. “I’m not going to lie to you, Bellamy, especially not about this. It’s true. I left her there to die.” It was a simple fact. She left her there to die. What led up to the decision didn’t matter, it didn’t change what she had done.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy felt hurt. Hurt and so disappointed. Octavia and Clarke were the two women he loved, obviously in very different ways. Losing Octavia would have destroyed him, and it hurt to know that Clarke was willing to do that. She was saying that she wouldn't lie to him, and he wondered if she ever would have told him about this. He knew he should be focusing on the fact that Octavia was alive and move on . . . but he couldn't stop that terrifying thought of what if she hadn't survived.

What if she died in the explosion along with the others who did. "That can't be it," he said, slightly shaking his head, desperately trying to find or hear some sort of justification as to why Clarke would just let Octavia die with the others. "There has to be more to it," he added on, trying to hold a determined voice, trying to keep to his stubbornness to allow himself to believe that. "Please, tell me there's more to it." It was as if he was almost begging her to. He knew as leaders they had to make tough decisions. But . . . his sister. Clarke of all people knew how he felt about Octavia. How he strived to protect her. How he wouldn't survive her death. And yet, she was willing to let it happen. Just like that, Clarke had walked away from her. It hurt, more than Bellamy was capable of expressing.

[Clarke Griffin]

What? He… that was impossible. How could he demand an explanation? How did he think there was more to it? Clarkes face wore a disbelieving expression. She would have expected for him to walk out and never look back unless for Jake or Hope. But… how did he know? His sister told him everything, hadn’t she?? Well what she knew, not what Clarke knew. She decided to say something, explain herself, explain what happened that day, without mentioning what really had happened inside her. 

“There is. But what difference does it make, Bellamy? It makes no difference, like whatever I would have done would have made no difference. I had no choice.” Of course she had a choice, but it was one she wasn’t willing to choose. Not this one. She decided to say what she could say, explain what she could explain without burdening him with feelings he didn’t return anyway. He did not need to know.

“I went straight to Lexa. To get her to evacuate, but she wouldn’t have it. We were being watched, Bellamy. All I could have done was try and get our people out there and hope we had enough time to away far enough. Only it wouldn’t have changed anything about Octavia. She would have tried to help, wouldn’t she? She wouldn’t have accepted that Lexa made the Grounders stay. I tried to find the best way, but I failed. I had to decide, but every decision would have ended up with someone dead either way."


Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Clarke said that there was more to it, but that it didn't make a difference. "What difference does it make?" He questioned rhetorically, repeating her words. "It makes a damn difference Clarke, to know why you were willing to sacrifice my sister." Shit. His voice was getting angry. He had to take a deep breath to calm himself down. He hadn't come here to fight with her . . . though with this current topic of conversation, he feared that was inevitable. It wasn't something that could be so easily avoided either though. Fortunately, she continued to speak which prevented him from doing so and saying something that would come off too harsh. Clarke was right about that; Octavia would have stayed to help people.

"She should have been given the choice," he told her. "Leaving Octavia terrifies me but I do it. Because I have to. Knowing that she has people like you and the others protecting her, it makes it possible to walk away from protecting her myself." Clarke and Lincoln being two of the primary people he trusted Octavia with. He knew his sister was strong, but this place was dangerous. "I trusted her with you, Clarke. And you just . . . left her there." Didn't Clarke know that that would have destroyed him? That he wouldn't have survived losing Octavia? He tried to take another deep calming breath, but it was getting impossible to keep the emotions from his voice. "If she had died . . . " He would have too. If not in the physical sense, then certainly in the emotional one. There were very few things keeping him going, and his sister . . . Clarke, this baby, they were the main, if only, ones.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke didn’t flinch at his anger. She deserved it, welcomed it even. Hell he had every reason to be angry at her. This one was anger she understood. It was Octavia. He’d kill for her. Even her. How could she ever forget this? It was obvious, even more obvious so since last night. Clarke would have to accept that and somehow she would, eventually, which was why she had to keep part of it to herself, forever.

“Bellamy, I made mistakes. I trusted Lexa, I trusted her judgment when I shouldn’t have. I placed Octavia at a risk and I shouldn’t have, I know that.” Why was he giving her a chance to explain herself? Why was he still here? What did this mean. “ She didn’t die. Bellamy, I regretted it the moment it happened, I almost killed Lexas man over it, when she wanted to have her killed. I made a mistake. And I hate myself for it. As does she. As should you.” She would have never forgiven herself either had she died, of course not. She still could not even recognize herself back then. She had made that mistake, felt the panic rise in her. She tried to find a way out, but found she couldn't. But her other option scared her to death, more than this.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

They had all trusted Lexa, when truth be told, she did whatever she had to do to protect herself. She didn't know what it was to have a truce with someone. They had done all the work, and when it was time for the Grounders to come through, they betrayed them. All those people that died inside, was because of the Grounders and he doubted Lexa showed any remorse due to that. "I don't, hate you Clarke," he told her truthfully. He loved her. Which was what made this all the more difficult. If he could bring himself to hate her, then he could just walk away, never wanting anything to do with her. And hell, he would have done that had it been any one else who'd abandoned his sister. But . . . this was Clarke. And he was well aware that she had made the tough decisions that no one else could. He saw that in her. When she killed Atom, that was the first time he saw a strength inside of her that showed him how much he needed her, and it had only grown since then.

"I just wish there was a way we could start over. That we didn't have . . . all this on our shoulders." All the burdens they carried; the weight of their actions and decisions that got them to where they are now. Hope was such a fitting name but he wondered if it would ever be possible for the two of them to move past all the demons they had. "I just can't stop thinking of what if she did die." He would have blamed Clarke. He knew that. Whether it was fair or not, his anger and blame would have been targeted at her. "I wouldn't have survived her death," he admitted to her. Octavia was his Achille's heel. His weakness and strength at the same time. But once she was taken from him . . . that was it. He would have failed at what he had dedicated his entire life to. He'd nearly lost her once, he couldn't actually lose her now. "I wish you would have realized that." But she hadn't. Otherwise, she wouldn't have left her in Tondc when the missile was coming.

[Clarke Griffin]

“You should.” Clarke moved again, slowly lying back in the bed, but not facing away from him. In truth she didn’t know what to do. If she wasn’t pregnant, she’d probably stand before him, fight with him over it, let him rage. But right now? Right now she had reasons to be grateful for how controlled he was. He had learned that it was dangerous for their kid, because she was so weak, because of how she was, how broken. Most of it was her doing, she was sure, even though she did not speak to her mother about it. 

“I wish so, too. But we can’t go back, Bellamy. On nothing.” She wished for it so much. He had deaths on his shoulder she wished to relief him from. They both had some on them. They had so many burdens. And then there was this baby, a burden to him, clearly, but he stepped up to it. He was too good. For her definitely, which was why she had to keep it to herself, but as he said he wouldn’t have survived his sisters death, her mind went to how she would not have survived his. She had to be brave, strong in this. She couldn’t let this affect her. 

“I know that. Of course I do. I tried my best, but I fucked up. I am sorry for it, have been since I saw her among the survivors. I didn’t think straight. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t just go out and say ‘Hey let’s risk Octavias life’. Every single option I had would have claimed multiple lives and I went with Lexas decision, when I shouldn’t have. And I am sorry. I wish I could undo that. I wish I could save all those people, but I can't."


Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She told him that he should hate her, but he didn't. He couldn't ever feel that towards her. She spoke of how she had tried her best, and he believed that. He knew she did. And he also knew that, like himself, she had made mistakes. How could he hold hers against her without seeming like a damn hypocrite? "All we can do is move forward," he told her. They could either dwell in the past or focus on the present and future.

What other choice did they have? Their baby could mark a new beginning for them. No. Not could. It would. "We won't speak of this again," he decided. He couldn't keep talking about it. He would have to bottle away the hurt that came with her decision to leave Octavia in Tondc because if he let it eat him up . . . then he would never forgive her. And he didn't want that. He wanted to move forward. He wanted to . . . be with her. In every sense of the word. Though right now, it was just as a friend; as a father to her child. "Is there anything else that I need to know, Clarke?" He asked her. He didn't want to find out from anyone else if there was something. He didn't want to know all the details, but rather, was asking if there was anything else major. Anything that he ought to know.

[Clarke Griffin]

She was in all honesty surprised he was willing to do this. Probably for their kid. Clarke felt grateful, though. They could remain being friends then? They could do this together. Who made this man? Clarke felt a huge weight lifted from her. It was so much better like it. If he did not want to speak of it again, then so be it, but she might have to speak about it to Octavia. If they wanted this kid to have a good childhood, the aunt and mother should not try to kill each other, right?

For a moment she thought about it. What would he want to know? There was something he would not find out from anyone, but maybe it was… a good thing to tell him, to make him see, that if there was anything else, she could honestly not remember. 

“Lexa kissed me. She wanted us to be together.” And she wasn’t, hadn’t agreed. She had said it was too soon, but in reality she was just the wrong person. “Or well, she said that at least. Given how she behaved, doubtful now.” Lucky that she had not given in. She could only imagine what would have happened, had she agreed. Especially once her pregnancy became clear. Clarke couldn’t suppress a shudder at the thought.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Wait, what? Lexa had feelings for Clarke? Well, that shouldn't come as a surprise. Wells, Finn, Lexa, hell even Bellamy had fallen for Calrke. And why not? She was strong, intelligent, beautiful, and so many other things that made Bellamy fall in love with her. Yet it seemed he'd been the only one who hadn't really professed his love for her. Then again, they had sex . . . apparently. Something that Bellamy still could not recall for the life of him -- which he hated.

He remained silent for a few moments, letting this latest discovery process in his mind. " And what did you saay?" He asked. Had Clarke had feelings for her? She said now that it was doubtful anything would happen . . . but had Clarke wanted something to happen? He couldn't help but feel a slight jealousy over that. Seeing Clarke with another man, or woman, was not exactly easy. Yet, he had done nothing to make known his own feelings for her. Something he wished he could fix, but right now, given everything, the timing felt . . . off.

[Clarke Griffin]

So he was interested in what Clarke said? Was it not obvious? She was here, not with Lexa. Had she fallen in love, she might have been tempted to leave her people. Had she lost her heart, she would have done a lot for her. But she did that for Bellamy. She loved him, not Lexa. But she could not tell her.

“I don’t love her, Bellamy. I have no feelings for her. She kissed me. She asked me to go with her, but how could I? I don’t love her and…” She looked at him, then down at her belly. Did he realize what it meant? That she had been pregnant even then? With his kid. She really did not want to imagine what would have happened. But she just knew had she been with Lexa she would have made sure this child would have never been born. Clarke gulped. “I was already pregnant then. Imagine what she would have done then. But, like I said, I rejected her. How could I not?"

Bellamy Blake