Ice To See You Again

[cherry1]

Hydrazine. That’s what was going to kill her. Collecting freaking hydrazine. Raven had survived a bullet to the back, a bomb explosion, even having the bone marrow drilled out of her leg, and this was how it would all end? It would be all her fault too. She’d been the one to have the bright idea of getting what was left of the explosive chemical in the remains of the exodus ship. They’d used most of it but now with the equipment from the ark she could maybe recreate the chemical, with Monty’s help. They just needed a little bit more to work with. So of course like some idiot she volunteered to go out into the freezing cold and get it herself. And worst of all she hadn’t told anyone she was leaving, not Wick, not Bellamy and not even Monty. She was on her own.

It happened so suddenly too, the snow and wind seemed to just appear in a matter of minutes. So she’d gone from being mildly cold to wading her way through a snow storm. Raven could barely see in front of her, and she’d left the space suit she’d planned to wear while collecting the hydrazine miles away because it was dead weight. So not even that could protect her from the cold. How many miles? She couldn’t remember, all she could think about was the cold and how it was penetrating deep into her bones. No. Raven had to get back. She had to keep…moving. If she just kept walking, she’d find the camp eventually. Her life depended on it.

And that was when she heard it. A snap, loud enough even with the noise of the storm. Looking down, Raven immediately saw where the sound came from. It was her brace. No, it couldn’t be. “Damn it.” She shouted angrily. Taking another step, she immediately collapsed into the snow. Raven attempted to crawl but the icy cold water slowly seeped into her clothes. She felt paralysed with the cold and the pain it caused. “Wick,” she barely managed to say, it was the only thought she could manage. Afraid and alone, Raven waited for it to come. The sweet release of death. Before finally closing her eyes, she heard what sounded like footsteps in the distance.

Tag: Clarke Griffin

....sorry I couldn't resist the pun.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke had initially gone to Polis, though she tried to avoid certain people. It became evident fast how avoidance was impossible when you were known for killing nearly a thousand people by now. It gave her a problematic position with the grounders, one she could barely take. They admired her for killing people, Clarke hated it, she hated how they always made her stand out. Initially she questioned herself, questioned if she should go back to Camp Jaha, home. But instead she decided to move again. She moved from Polis to a small village between TonDC and Polis. It was a decent distance to Camp Jaha, it was a nice population. She had met Nyko one day, they spoke and she was currently taking over the healer role in this village specifically, for how long she stayed at least. The people still admired her, but they saw her more as a human, accepted her pain. She had a cabin for herself and her patients. Clarke loved being there, it helped, it healed.

With winter and snow coming soon, Clarke and a few friends went out to collect those sensible little plants that only bloomed shortly before a snowfall. Two of the three people coming with her were warriors, with the sky people close, they felt better to protect their healer from unwanted attacks. Not that Clarke felt like she needed it. Nobody would attack her. To her surprise the snow came early, with a storm setting in so surprising, that even her companions cursed colorful. She was about to stop their mission as the snow would make the flowers retreat, but then she heard something. A crack, metallic. The others raised their weapons, but Clarke stopped them. The mountain men were dead. This was one of her people and she took off running towards the noise. The jacket, the hair, she knew immediately what happened, but where were the others?

“You two scout the area.” She ordered the two warriors. “You, pick her up. We bring her to my cabin.” The other man did as she told him to as well. Raven got incredibly lucky there. Clarke made them hurry back to her cabin. She had them undress Raven to her underwear and then wrap her in multiple blankets, while she made a fire and started to cook.

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven could only see the blackness and feel the freezing cold, sure that this would be the end for her. That she’d never open her eyes again. But she was wrong. It was the smell that woke her from the ice induced sleep she had suffered. The smell of…food? It was very unexpected but not unwelcome. Raven forced her eyes open in order to better assess her surroundings. Her first assumption had been that the others had found her somehow and brought her back to Camp Jaha. But the cabin she was in felt unfamiliar. That meant that a grounder must have found her. Raven suddenly went rigid at the thought. She was too weak to fight herself out of here. It was taking all the energy she had just to keep her eyes open.

Turning her head, Raven finally found the source of the food and silently observed the grounder girl who was cooking it. “Who are you?” Raven exclaimed. She tried to look around her for a weapon, but came up short. She sat up slightly and barely held up her fists, grunting slightly at the pain the sudden movement caused. “Answer me,” she demanded, her voice wispy and coarse after her time in the cold. As the girl turned, Raven fists lowered suddenly in shock. Because she knew the girl. It was…”Clarke?” She could hardly believe it. It felt like ages since the last time they’d seen each other. Since…Mount Weather. And then Clarke had disappeared suddenly without a trace. Without even saying goodbye. “Where am I?” She asked, disoriented. Everything about this place was strange, even Clarke looked different. She looked like one of them, which was why it had been so difficult to recognise her before. “What is this place?”

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke hadn’t fully noticed the change between wakefulness and sleep in Raven. She was too busy with cooking the soup, making tea, anything that would help Raven to recover from hypothermia. It would mean she would not be able to move for a while. Then again she would have to wait until Clarke managed to find stuff so they could repair her brace. Without it, walking would be a pain for her, literally, so Clarke would have to remedy that as well as saving her life. She was not out of the woods yet, despite literally being out of the woods. Clarke turned around as she knew her friend was awake. She had left the tea to cool just a little, before she would pour Raven a glass of it. 

“I would be hopelessly lost trying to pronounce the name of the village.” Clarke admitted. She couldn’t pronounce it, even though she tried. Clarke sat down on a chair close to Raven. “You’re in the healers house in this village. I’m currently serving as their healer. We found you and brought you here. I thought you’d prefer this to freezing out there. The snow is getting heavier and heavier.” And with that traveling became a bad idea. But it was safe inside the village. It was especially save inside Clarkes hut. “You’re safe here. This village is… a bit unique when it comes to loyalty to certain Grounder authorities. You can rest.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven’s eyes kept darting towards the soup as Clarke explained their particular surroundings. She couldn’t help it. Her body still felt like ice cold water was flowing through her veins instead of blood and the heat she could feel practically radiating from the food attracted her eyes. She slouched down again, no longer needing to take a defensive stance. It was still Clarke after all. And frankly Raven no longer had the energy. So she finally allowed herself to feel some relief. Raven knew Clarke was a fighter, that there was no doubt she could survive on her own. But there were times when she couldn’t help but worry about the other woman, always avoiding thoughts about the possibility that she could be captured by grounders…or worse. But here she was safe. Different but safe, and that brought Raven some comfort at least.

“You’re safe here.” Raven wasn’t quite sure about that. But for now she would trust Clarke, not really having any other choice. Not in the state she was in. “I always wondered where you’d been all this time, you kind of left without even saying goodbye.” Raven didn’t mean in an accusatory way, she partly understood why Clarke left the way she did. Especially after the events in Mount Weather. “I’m glad you’re okay,” she finally said after being unsure of how best to convey her relief at seeing Clarke alive and well. “Not sure if I can say the same for me,” she continued, feeling the numbness from the cold slowly ebb away only to be replaced by sharp pain, starting from her lower back where the bullet had been removed. It was a sensitive area, as her limbs also slowly fell to the bed from exhaustion, as if she'd been carrying a ton of bricks.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke couldn’t blame her for wondering, now would she blame her for certain other reactions to where she had been. She had been in a state that didn’t allow for much thought towards many people, certainly not towards those directly harmed in Mount Weather, it felt like weight on her that raven was harmed there and her mother. It still felt bad to her. But she had a task now. She had things to do. Now Raven was included on that list of things to do and it was easier to face her. She could be a doctor. She didn’t have to be the friend that killed a lot of people, that allowed for a bomb to drop on others and that allowed for another friend to share her guilt, when he shouldn’t. Being a doctor was easy, she knew how to do that, it was a familiar role. Being a killer was unfamiliar and a role she did not know how to deal with even though she had to.

“I was here and there. I didn’t have a destination at first.” It was the truth. Clarke didn’t believe in lying at the other woman. She had no reason to. She could explain what happened. She could try to make her understand, even if she didn’t even understand herself in that situation. She knew she had to do that for herself, but that was all she knew and she acted. And she left. She left everyone behind, hoping they would understand, hoping one day she would understand. “I met some grounders. A friend of Lincolns actually vouched for me so I could settle here over the winter. It’s hard to stay outside, as you noticed first hand.” She didn’t want to die out there. Maybe one day death would be welcomed, but not today. She could still help people.

“You will be okay, Raven, I promise. Trust me on that. You might not feel that way, but I know I can fix this. I can handle this and you will be perfectly fine. This one I can promise.” She knew how to stop her from dying, she knew how to slowly warm her up, how to ensure her core temperature got steady and all that. She could do it. “It’ll take a while, but we can fix you and get you back to Camp Jaha. Now, I need you to eat this or drink a tea, either one is good. We need to give your body the nutrition it needs in order to start to maintain the bodytemperature on its own."

cherry1

[cherry1]

It was strange, talking to Clarke after so long. Finally getting the answers to the questions she’d ask herself over and over after Clarke left. She seemed to be doing okay. Healthy and safe. That’s what would worry Raven the most at night in the camp. Should she go after her, find her, bring her back? But with the state Mount Weather left her in, it wasn’t possible. Raven would just hope for the best and put her faith in Clarke’s survival skills. And now seeing Clarke before her, even if she looked different, proved her faith right. Clarke was a survivor.

“It’s hard to stay outside, as you noticed first hand.” She attempted half a smile, and shuffled up in the bed as Clarke assured her she’d be alright. “In your hands, I’m sure I will be.” Raven had witnessed Clarke’s medical skills first hand. So she certainly didn’t doubt her abilities. “It’ll take a while, but we can fix you and get you back to Camp Jaha.” You. Interesting. So Clarke didn’t intend on coming with her. Well that obviously needed to change. “Whatever you say Doc,” she said with a smile, taking the bowl from her and resting it on her lap. The stark difference in warmth between her hands and the bowl was almost painful. Raven slowly ate a spoonful, and swallowed, feeling the dull thud of the food on her empty stomach. But the pain was welcome.

“You know, I understand why you left.” It took her a while, after a lot anger and denial, but she got there in the end. “Mount Weather took a lot from us; from you.” It broke them. They all had blood on their hands, but Clarke took the brunt of it. Clarke and Bellamy. “But I’m not going back to Camp Jaha alone.”

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke had struggled with the knowledge of what she did, with the truth and pain of all of it for a while. Being integrated – well as integrated as it got – into this village, a village that knew her as nothing but Clarke, a healer, knowing only distant whispers of the now almost legendary creature she seemed to be for others, she could stop and think or try to think. Here in her hut, being alone, yet somewhat safe, Clarke could try to make sense of everything. She could try and understand what was happening with her and how grave the consequences were for her. And now she was back with Raven, with a reminder of what she left behind. Now she could no longer run. She had to face everything or at least parts. And by facing she also meant openly stating the depths of what she had done.

“It’s not just Mount Weather.” Clarke replied. “TonDC as well. I didn’t come too late.” Since Raven was there when Bellamy warned her, it should now be clear what she had done, what guilt she placed solely on herself as the other one responsible that day, making her vulnerable a bit, might not do it. “I’m not ready yet, Raven. I don’t know when I’ll be ready.” Right about now she knew she was scared deep down, too aware of the horrors she was capable of. She needed to get over that first, get through that first. Clarke didn’t know how to do that just yet. She sat down on the bed close to Raven, watching her. “I killed all those people, I…. I’ve seen my nothers face, Raven, There is no going back from that and I’m not yet ready to look into their eyes. I can’t. I might never be.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven listened to Clarke’s explanation. About how she’d never be ready to face them. It was understandable, with everything they’d been forced to do to survive. With everything Clarke had been forced to do to survive. But that was just how their lives were now. There were no good guys and bad guys, just our people and their people. And Clarke was missing the bigger picture. She was the reason they were all still alive, a fact Raven didn’t doubt for a second. “That’s bullshit, Clarke.” Even if Abby looked at her differently, the rest of them wouldn’t. They owed her their lives and anyone who thought any different would get a punch in the face. Period.

“You need to be around people that care about you. People that love you so we can help you through this.” She shared in the nightmares of what Mount Weather did to them. And even before that, the failure of saving the 320 people in the culling…Killing all those grounders at the drop ship. So Raven’s hands weren’t exactly clean either. But running away wasn’t a solution. This wasn’t the time for running, at least not anymore.

“I can help you through this, Clarke but you have to come home.” Raven wasn’t going back without her. So either Clarke was going to see this her way eventually, or Raven would be learning grounder culture real fast. Basically, there was no way of getting rid of her that easy. “Just trust me,” she pleaded, reaching out to her. A selfish part of her thought that if she did, then maybe there was a chance they would both get better. And feel a little less broken. Coughing into her fist, Raven took another spoonful. It felt a little less painful to swallow.

[Clarke Griffin]

It sounded so easy coming from Raven. Going home, being around the other delinquents, people who might care about her. But it wasn’t. Some of the Arkers were very unforgiving. They would forever hold that against her. With the way Clarke saw herself, this would fall on ripe ground and bloom into something quite ugly. She didn’t want to witness that yet. In all honesty Clarke didn’t know how to heal. She didn’t know what to make of herself, what to think of herself. She abandoned them, she abandoned Bellamy and Monty and that alone meant she deserved their hatred and resentment and maybe even worse.

Wrapping her arms around herself in a gesture Clarke had long since forgotten was a hug to herself, a gesture of comfort to herself, that didn’t work at that particular moment. Was Raven right? Should she go home? Should she try? Maybe it was time, even though she wouldn’t feel ready. Maybe she never would. Then again what choice did she have? Raven had to get back to Camp Jaha eventually and they would be suspicious if Clarke only sent Grounders with her. She had to come with her. There was really no way around this, was there? She had to return. Finally she nodded.

“Okay. I’ll come back. But I can’t promise to be functional. I’m bad news, Raven. Death follows me. I don’t know how to deal with the people at the camp. But… I’ll come back with you.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

A smile spread across Raven’s face when Clarke finally conceded and saw her way. “Good.” Sure it wasn’t going to be easy. It was going to be damn hard. Raven still had nightmares about the blood of the few people on her hands. With Mount Weather who knew what Clarke was going through? But this was a start. A big step in the road to both of their recoveries. It may leave permanent scars but she knew that together at least the gaping wound would finally close. Raven was aware of her slightly selfish intentions for wanting her to return to the camp. Clarke was one of the only people she could actually talk to about this stuff. She needed her just as much as Clarke needed them.

Reaching out towards her, Raven took Clarke’s hand forcing the other girl to unwrap her arm, and gave her a gently squeeze. To be reassuring and because that was about as hard as Raven could squeeze in the state she was in. “Don’t worry Clarke, we’ll fix this.” She said confidently. “We’ll fix you.” Because isn’t that what Raven did? It’s what she was good at. Fixing things. She had to be. Before she could continue, Raven started coughing again. Hard. The bowl of food fell off her lap, smashing to the ground. She could swear she was about to cough up a lung. Keeping a hand over her face, she half laughed between each coughing fit. “I think you’ll have to fix me up first though, doc,” she said wheezing.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke hadn’t expected Raven to reach out. But as soon as she did, it was clear for Clarke how wrong she was. This was Raven. She would do stuff like that. She would reach out, do what she thought was right and she wasn’t wrong. The smaller female looked at her friend, her lip trembling as she knew she was under a strain, emotionally more than physically. Raven was the poor one being under a physical strain here. She had to heal her, but it would take time. With the brace broken and Raven having been out there for who knew how long, she didn’t know how long it would take to get her to recover from that alone, not to mention to get her leg fixed up enough to get her mobile. Before Clarke could say anything, though, Raven had a coughing fit. 

Clarke sprinted forward, helping her to sit up and rubbing her back gently, knowing that the physical comfort was better than any words in this case. She didn’t even bother with the spilled soup. Part of it landed on her, but what did it matter? Her clothes could be dried in seconds. Once the fit eased, she turned to get her tea, soothing tea for her throat. “There, that should help at least a bit. Careful, it’s super hot.” But it would help. Without another word, she knelt down to start cleaning off the soup. “Fixing you up won’t be a problem. It will take a bit, though. Do you think you can survive in here? I mean this is a grounder hut, state of the art for grounders. And I will have to go out to hunt and prepare the animals in here alone.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

She gladly accepted the drink, scrunching up her face at the burning sensation it caused down her throat. But as soon as she got over that, the benefits became more apparent. Her throat soothed immediately, keeping the coughing at bay for the time being. “I’m lucky you found me. Otherwise I’d be…” Dead. Frozen to death. She would have died cold and alone with no one looking for her. Clarke needed to know how grateful she was. Her worth in that moment wasn’t lost on her. She owed Clarke her life, and not for the first time. It’s why they needed her back at camp. She was irreplaceable.

She nodded at Clarke’s reassurances but felt the unease return at the reminder of her surroundings. This was grounder territory and while she would never admit it aloud, that terrified her. Even with the fragile truce there had been losses on both sides. It was a wonder that Clarke had survived this long. A testament to her abilities. But Raven wasn’t sure if she’d be so lucky. “Do they know I’m here? They can’t be too happy about it.” What if on one of Clarke’s outings one of them got in and tried to kill her.  Ususally Raven would be able to handle herself, but she could barely sit up now much less fight. "What if they..." she paused, Raven needed to have faith in Clarke and where she placed her trust and looking around her now it didn’t seem like she had any other choice.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke nodded. It was most likely true. Winter on earth could apparently be brutal. She couldn’t have left her there even if she wanted to stay away from the others. She couldn’t let someone she cared about die and she cared about Raven. She was a friend, an unconventional one, but a friend nonetheless. Clarke wanted her and the others alive and well. That was part of why she left after all. Part of it was still a riddle, even to Clarke. What she was seeking, it didn’t seem to be out there, but she has calmed down. She had found a bit of a purpose in helping those people. And they needed her and the moment. Whatever was going on, this she knew for sure.

“Don’t worry, Raven.” Clarke whispered. “I had some with me when I was outside. I couldn’t have carried you back all alone. A bit of the way, yes, but not all the way.” She was not heavy, but Clarke was not used to carrying the weight of a person for a long time. She wouldn’t have managed it. It was luck as well that she had them with her. And now it would allow Clarke to reassure Raven of her safety. “I don’t know what happened at Camp Jaha. It seems to be known that there is some form of truce of cease fire. The villagers have no interest in attacking Arkers.” She knew though, that it was unlikely to be what would put her at ease. Not after Mount Weathers betrayal. “Right now, they need me more than they could hate Arkers. So we’re safe. Leaving would worry me a lot more.”

cherry1

[cherry1]

Raven smiled at Clarke’s attempts to reassure her. And they worked mostly. But she couldn’t help but feel unease in this place, surrounded by unfamiliar things in an unfamiliar setting. The only thing keeping her calm was the one thing that was familiar. Clarke. But she would never feel truly comfortable here. “If you say so Clarke.” It wasn’t like Raven was in any position to really argue with her. The ceasefire was a product of the truce between them and the grounders but that didn’t mean the violence had stopped completely. She wasn’t so naïve to think every grounder would follow the rules…or every Arker. Perhaps even herself included.

“As long as when we do leave you’re coming with me, then I’m good.” She repeated, clearly making sure to remind Clarke of their deal. There was no way Raven would let her go back on her word. “It’s changed a lot you know.” With the people who came down with the ark, the population had grown, and with it the camp. If it was even a camp anymore. “You’d be pleasantly surprised.” Even in the short time since Mount Weather, the place was looking more and more like a real civilisation. “And I know a lot of people who’ll be pleasantly surprised to see you.” Though she was obviously talking about one person in particular. Bellamy hadn’t been the same since she’d left. None of them had. Though it might be wishful thinking, Raven hoped her return would be the next step in getting them all back into some state of normalcy.