I can't lose you

[Clarke Griffin]

“You’re not going to let this go anytime soon, are you?” She giggled. In all honesty Clarke did not want him to let it go. She wanted him to tease her, to grin about this, to just be free and careless about something and if this was it, well so be it. She welcomed it, She really wanted to welcome it. For now though they needed to sleep. Clarke wanted to be close to him, though. She was almost ready to curl up next to him, feeling like that maybe if he was close some of the demons would not haunt her that night. So many of them started haunting her due to her needing to protect him, needing him, so maybe the knowledge of him close would silence some. She couldn’t ask him for it. Not after what she did.

“So did I.” Clarke walked over to her own bed now. She took off her shoes and pants, opened the bra under her shirt and pulled it out before just collapsing onto the bed. And idea came to her then. She lay down, her back to Bellamy and then she deliberately started to snore, wanting a reaction from him about their running gag. That was if he was still awake

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She commented on him not letting this go. "Hell no," he said grinning. He loved hearing the amusement in her voice. This was something they could laugh about, talk about with such ease. He found himself suddenly staring as she undressed herself, forcing his gaze to go back to the top of the tent . . . trying to force away any thoughts he had about being together with her. It was indeed difficult, considering how damn gorgeous she was.

How his feelings for had developed more than they ever had for anyone else. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. The silence in the tent was suddenly replaced by snoring, and it made Bellamy smile. Was she doing that on purpose? Well, he would either find out tonight, or tomorrow morning. He had never been serious about her leaving the tent if she snored . . . oddly enough, he found the sound soothing. Because it meant she was nearby, and her presence was a strong comfort to Bellamy. "That's it, Clarke," he said teasingly. "You're out of here tomorrow," he added on, making it very obvious that he wasn't actually serious. The closer she was, the better. But it was far more difficult to admit that than it was to tease her so playfully.

[Clarke Griffin]

The confirmation of his wakefulness came as he called her out on her snoring. She giggled at it. His voice, his tone all told her he was teasing. He didn’t mean that. Her plan worked. He was amused by her little stunt there. Clarke was honestly glad she seemed to find something so easy to just make him smile or at least give him something to smile about. It certainly didn’t sound like he really wanted to kick her out of their shared tent. Clarke turned around again to face him. 

The tent was still dimly lit due to how bright Camp Jaha was lit even at night. She could easily see his outlines, even his face. Clarke focused on the familiar features. At first she intended to just stare at him until she fell asleep, but with every moment she was closer to sleep, she felt herself tremble in fear of the nightmares she knew would come. She had the first already long before they killed the people in Mount Weather. With Lexas betrayal and that now, she feared what would come at night. Right then she felt paralyzed, unable to move, unable to think beyond the horrors she had seen. Suddenly, even before she slept she saw a flash of him being hung upside down. It was that mental image that made her gasp and speak.

“Bellamy? Can we get through this night together?” Right now she felt like he night be the only person capable of protecting her from her demons. She needed him. “Can I move my bed over to yours?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The snoring stopped and instead he heard a small laughter; a melodic sound that may as well have been sweet music to his ears. Sleep didn't come easily, though his eyes remained closed. They only slowly opened when he heard her question. It took him a few moments to determine whether he had been dreaming or if she had actually asked him that. For the words, seemed far too good to be true. He wanted nothing more than that, for her to be even closer than she was now. Or perhaps that was a lie. He did want more than that. He wanted to hold her for the entire night. But hell, her getting closer was a start.

And perhaps all they could allow themselves . . . considering his assumption that his feelings for her were not reciprocated. He sat upright in the bed, looking over at her, finally accepting that it had not been a dream for she seemed to be looking at her expectantly. He got up from his bed and moved over to hers, waiting for her to get up. When she did, he began to pull over her bed so that it was next to his. Right next to it. Standing and looking at it for a moment, he then turned his gaze to her. "We'll get through this Clarke," he assured her, having to believe that. "Together." Because her being here allowed them that; her staying now allow them to get through it together. He pulled back the blanket, waiting for her to get into her bed before he got back into his.

[Clarke Griffin]

She feared his silence meant he did not want it. She could understand. She almost killed his sister. Octavia meant the world to him, she new that. And she had almost let her die. Not to want her close at night was okay. The demons might be all awake that night, sending her into nightmare after nightmare, but at least he was protecting himself. Or so she thought. He got up. Why did he get up. His expectant gaze made her get up from her bed, confused as to what he planned. He pulled her bed over to his, creating basically one larger bed. They still had their own, but they could be close, as close as they wanted each other to be. He even lifted the blanket for her again.

“Together.” Clarke echoed, hoping for it to be true, to remain true. She needed him, more than she could say. He was her grounding, her link to this earth, the only thing that still made sense, the only person she still felt she could trust, especially after Lexas betrayal. Now in bed, still facing him, but so close, she felt much more at ease. It was so hard to even think about sleeping, but she was so tired. “I’m going to see their faces, am I not? I’ll see the faces of those I killed. And you. Hung up in Mount Weather, half dead. I will see them dead.” She reached for his hand. “I need to feel you’re still there.” Even if she didn't deserve this comfort, or any comfort.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Once she got settled back into bed, he did the same, facing toward her. She was a far better sight to look at than . . . well, any other sight in the world it seemed. She spoke of how she would see their faces; the faces of those who she killed; the image of him being hung. "You won't be alone in that, Clarke," he told her with strong sincerity. Because, every time he closed his eyes, he saw the same thing. The small child of the guard he killed, and then that line of little children . . . ones who suffered unimaginable pain, dying . . . because of him. Innocent children. Innocent mothers. Innocent fathers. This wasn't something that his mother's advice could help with.

He couldn't just say screw you, I'm not afraid and slay his demons. No. These demons would be with him forever. He just wished Clarke didn't have to cope with it as well. "You're never alone, in any of this," he further added. She then spoke of how she needed to feel him near, and he wondered if she knew just how much he wanted -- no, needed -- the same. When he had woken up earlier, he had been scared. Scared that he was back in Mount Weather, hanging upside, feeling the blood leave his body. But he wasn't there. Clarke had been with him to assure him of that. He took her hand in his own, holding it, for not only her sake but his own. "What we did, will be with us forever," he pointed out. There was no doubt about that. He was scared of sleep; scared to close his eyes. "But, people are alive because of us." That was what they had to remind themselves of. "So let's try to see their faces. Let's try to remember who's here, rather than who's not," he stated, gently squeezing her hand, realizing that he had shifted even closer to her, as if needing to be as close as possible to her. Or well, as close as was acceptable in terms of their relationship.

[Clarke Griffin]

He was right. It was not only likely but more than probably that this guilt would linger with them until the end of their days. For her it was good. She had done too much, she deserved it, but not him. He had not made the decisions based on anything bad. He just genuinely wanted to protect his people. She? She had made selfish decisions, had been manipulated, had betrayed him and been betrayed in return. She deserved this pain. People were alive because of him. Not because of her and said people knew it. 

“I see their faces, Bell.” She barely noticed herself moving forward a little as well, closing the space between them. Had he seen their faces? Had he seen how they had looked at her? The horror in their eyes, the hurt? “I see Jasper… I can’t get his look out of my head. And then earlier. I can’t forget, Bellamy.” Which was why, apart from tonight, she almost didn’t want to leave this tent. The morning would force her, though. She would have to get them more food and he was simply in worse shape than she was and had risked so much more. He deserved to be the one staying here while she got him what he needed.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She told him how she saw their faces and he wished he could provide her with a way to erase them from her mind. But he couldn't. Because he saw them too. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw Lovejoy's kid staring at him. And all those other children. Maya. Everyone that they had killed to save their people. But that wasn't what Clarke needed to hear right now. He was trying to put her mind at ease, trying to distract her any way he could. She said how she saw Jasper's face, unable to get it out of her mind. Jasper. The poor guy cared for Maya, and Bellamy was well aware that he may never forgiven them for killing her . . . especially after everything she had done to help them. But again, that wasn't what Clarke needed to hear.

"Monty, Harper, Miller . . . " He was naming the people who lived. The people who they saved. "Abby, Raven, Kane . . . " He could go on, but he stopped there for now. "Remember those names, Clarke. Try to see those people in your mind." Her mother being one of great importance to her. "They're alive. They're safe. You did that. You protected our people." She couldn't give all the credit to him and then take all the blame upon herself. It wasn't right. If he had something to do with helping save their people, then he also had to do with killing all the Mountain People. That was just the way it was. The way he had made sure it was so that she didn't have to suffer through the guilt alone.

[Clarke Griffin]

The names were right, but at the same time oh so wrong. Her mother? No, she might never forgive her, she knew the lengths she’s gone to. But she had saved their people, he was right. Like someone else had. She had to think of that. They had been sent here to save their people and the people in the Mountain had tried to kill them for nothing, for no real good reason. That was enough reasoning, wasn’t it? She had to have loyalty to their people, right? She had to do this, even though she’d forever carry those scars with her and he, too. Clarke moved even closer.

“You did that, too.” And they had to deal with this alone. She almost left him. She almost abandoned him to deal with all of that alone. How could she do that? What did it matter for her how she would deal or the others? He needed to heal. He needed to be okay. And she needed him in order to be okay, she realized that now. She shouldn’t even have thought about leaving. “Bellamy… thank you. I know this will be hard… but I also know I can’t do this without you. I need you.” She had back then as her co-leader and now as her friend and confidant. She needed him.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She reminded him that he had done that too, and he would have spoken aloud his earlier thoughts about having to share both credit and blame, but he didn't want to remind her of the guilt. He was trying to do what he could to distract her from it, even if it was only for a brief moment that could allow her to close her eyes and not see the haunting images. "I need you too, Clarke," he admitted to her, having no problem saying that. It was after all, the truth. With how close they were, he could resist from tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, giving a small smile.

"I'm glad you're here." That she had stayed. "I wouldn't be able to get through this without you," he added on. The thought of her leaving was terrifying. Not to mention how worried he would have been for her, not knowing if she was even alive. The imagine of her just walking away, having no provisions, nothing to help her survive or endure the elements . . . well, it showed how broken she was. And he hoped, that somehow, he could help her get through this, for he knew without a doubt in his mind, that she would help him . . . whether she was fully aware of that or not.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke smiled slightly at his words. It felt somehow good to hear him say he needed her. Then her efforts did not go unwelcomed. And she was kind of glad it was like this. Because she now knew she needed him if she wanted to get through it. Had she actually wanted to earlier? She doubted it in a way. She doubted she really wanted to get better, but he… he inspired it. 

“I don’t think I could get through this without you either.” Clarke placed her free hand on his shoulder now, glad to feel his skin under her fingers, but the movement revealed one of the puncture marks, which reminded her of what they did to him. This was why she had resisted to allow him to go. This was why she had been terrified of it. The way they treated him… they killed all those innocent people to survive… It had been time for them to stop them, finally. 

“You need to promise me to rest, tomorrow. You lost blood, Bellamy, your body needs time to produce more and replace it.” And for that his body needed a chance to, well, focus on that for a bit. As long as they were in here, they could keep them safe. “Do you know how much they took?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He felt strongly relieved to hear that; to hear her say that she couldn't get through this without him either. That was what he had wanted. He wanted her to know that she wasn't alone; that he was here for her. And her words revealed her acceptance of this; she didn't have to leave to endure what she did. She could stay here, and they would endure it . . . together. Her hand on his skin caused a warmth to fill him, a strong comfort he always felt under her touch. She then told him to promise her that he would rest tomorrow; that his body needed to recover.

He didn't want to promise that, but he wasn't going to spark a debate either. It meant quite a bit to him, hearing her concern for him . . . though it wasn't a rare thing for her to express. She then asked him a question that caused him to fall silent. How much blood had he lost. "I don't know. A lot," he said simply. It was the decontamination process that hurt like a bitch; cleansed in boiling water, then in something that burned more than that. Prodded, tested, chained, shackled . . . he cleared his throat slightly, forcing the flashes of images out of his mind.

"It could have been worse though," he added on. He could have been dead. They wasted no time draining their bodies. Had it been for Maya, he would have been. He'd felt the weakness as soon as he was concious again. He wouldn't even been able to have killed Lovejoy with the help of Maya and the Grounder. "I'll rest if I need to tomorrow," he assured her. "Maybe I should put that IV back in my arm too," he said with a slight tone of teasing. But he would; or at least, let her. He had ripped it out in a fit of anger, but had to admit, it helped. A lot.

[Clarke Griffin]

A lot, if even he said that, it meant they really had taken a lot of his blood. He needed rest. And she’d enforce it. The people hated her already anyway, she might as well play her role then and use it for good, pissing them off further by making them leave him alone so he could rest, as well as he could. Maybe she could gather some of their friends, if she found the strength to leave the tent, to help her with it. Despite downplaying it, she knew it was bad. And she knew she would have to work to keep him in bed, if necessary with her, if he needed her company to stay the fuck in bed.

“You might need to.” And he should. “I’ll do that. You should at least let that one bag finish running, if not have another.” And she could stay with him, to make sure he didn’t get bored or started to count the drops making their way into his body to help it heal itself. For now sleep would be the best way for both of them to heal, if they could allow for sleep to come. “I don’t really intend to leave the tent tomorrow.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She told him that he would need to, that he should at least finish one bag and then possibly have another. "Alright," he agreed, not arguing the fact. He knew she was right. He needed to regain his strength and he wasn't feeling a hell of a lot better, even now. To go back out there and do what he needed to in a weakened state was dangerous. Besides, right now they had some time. The Grounders were no threat, the Mountain Men were dead . . . apart from others needing to be looked after, everything seemed relatively calm. At least on the surface.

She then said that she didn't intend to leave the tent tomorrow, and he had a feeling that she wasn't just offering to stay with him, but rather, she didn't want to go out there. "Whatever you may think, Clarke, you're wrong," he told her bluntly. "They don't hate you." He knew that. She made the decisions that no one else. It was why they needed her. "One day, they'll understand." Including Octavia. This, just like the Ark, was like survival, only in a different way. People hated the Chancellor for making the tough decisions, and their people felt the same about them. "Being a good leader, isn't easy. But you're doing a hell of a job of it." His words were sincere, fully believing everything he was saying. Not wanting to leave room for her to argue with him, he continued. "But hey, if you're offering to stay for company tomorrow, then I could sure use it," he added on a lighter note.

[Clarke Griffin]

Idiot. But her idiot in a way, her idiot friend. She just gave up all semblance of not needing him close, because damn she did. She crossed the last bit of distance between them to lean her head against his shoulder now. She could just wrap her arms around him if she knew where he wasn’t injured, because she did not want to hurt him. “I am saying we should just stay and both rest and heal.” Both in their own way but together. Together was maybe the most important part for her. They could get through this together.

Maybe he was right. Maybe one day the others would understand what she had done. Maybe they’d understand why she didn’t speak about the missile, should they find out about it, in order to protect everyone in Mount Weather as this was her task and losing him was not an option. God had he died, she would have not survived this, especially not Lexas betrayal. They would have let them all die. As they lay there, she couldn’t help it: Clarke faked another snore, just to try and make him smile again.

Bellamy Blake