I can't lose you

[Clarke Griffin]

She couldn’t lie to him anymore. She couldn’t do it. It was the truth. While she knew it was not fair to burden him with this now, she couldn’t hold it back anymore as the guilt brought her down. Love really was weakness, her weakness, for him thought it was different. IT was his strength it seemed. She envied him of it a bit, just a bit. For him love made him stronger, motivated him to fight more, for her it prompted shitty decisions.

“The missile. She was in Tondc. And I didn’t get her.” She could have, had she not listened to Lexa, had she stood up to this woman and seen through her. She had abandoned them when they needed them, had broken their alliance and here she was, she almost killed Bellamys sister under her. It was impossible for her to deal with that, to ever get over it. As she turned she saw he had finally ripped out the needle. Despite her tears and the haziness the brought, she went forward and gathered it up. She stopped the flow of it, trying to be as professional as possible despite the situation. For now she would not reattach it, later though she might need to. Given him, he might just rip it out again if he felt he needed it.

“I say it, because it is true, Bellamy. Lexa later sent assassins for her.” She stopped them, but those, too were on her. She had sent her signals. She had given the idea that it would be okay to kill her. “I know I should have protected her, but I didn’t. I should have evacuated Tondc, but I didn’t.”


Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He couldn't bare to hear this; to know that Clarke hadn't tried to protect Octavia. Lincoln had been with him so he knew Clarke would do what she could to protect Octavia, especially after finding out that Octavia was in Tondc -- which had been a slip of the tongue from Raven. But now, he was hearing so much . . . hearing that an assassin was sent to kill her, that Clarke made it sound as if she didn't do anything to save her. He continued to look at the ground in front of him, feeling sick to his stomach and it wasn't just due to his condition . . . granted, this certainly added to it. He knew that it wasn't fair of him to react this way. He was trying to reassure Clarke that he was here for her, that she wasn't alone. Hell, he was hoping that she would decide to stay here instead of go off. She stayed for him, to make sure he was ok. She had taken care of him. And yet . . . she was willing to let Octavia die.

"Get out," he told her. His voice was not loud; it was hoarse and filled with a hurt that he had tried so hard to suppress but knew it slipped through. Because well, this was Clarke. He couldn't look at her right now. He needed time to process everything. Perhaps once he did, he would recognize that Clarke did what she had to do . . . but when it came to his sister, it had to be an exception. Octavia couldn't be just one of the casualities of this on going war; someone that they could easily sacrifice. It was his sister. He had devoted his life to her and knowing that she could have died for the greater good . . . no. It was unaccceptable to Bellamy. Utterly unnaceptable. He then attempted to move again, this time reaching for his clothes so that he could dress himself. His actions were strained though, and he felt as if he was going to be sick.

[Clarke Griffin]

A thousand words came to her mind, explanations, so much. She could try and explain herself, sink to her knees and beg him to forgive her, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do this to him. She couldn’t allow herself this. She was weak, that day. She was weak the past days. And she had to pay the price. She had no right to ask him for his forgiveness or accept it. Clarke had all those lives on her conscience. Nothing could undo it and one of the lives was almost his sister. It was not her doing that it wasn’t. Two words were enough, enough to break her heart, to break her will, her soul. Clarke just nodded.

“Eat and drink.” She whispered. “The others need you.” He inspired the masses he inspired their friends. They needed him, only him. Clarke turned to take a change of clothes with her and only that, before she left the tent. The sun felt like it burned her skin, the looks accusing enough, even though not a single one actually looked at her like that, but it felt like it. Where should she go? She had gone back here for him. She had done unspeakable things for him. She had broken her own soul. Clarkes eyes settled on the gate. She could walk out, like she originally planned. But no, no she no longer got to walk out. She had to stay and face it, face the consequences of her actions. She hadn’t gotten far before she just let herself sink to her knees. 

Clarke didn’t move. She just sat there, the spare clothes resting on her knees. She didn’t move, just stared ahead at the woods. Where would she go? What to do? Clarke barely noticed some of her friends trying to talk to her, one wanting to give her water, but even after it sat before her, untouched and she simply did not want to touch it.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Food and drink. That was the furthest thing from his mind right now. He didn't give a shit about that. He no longer felt hungry nor thirsty. Or perhaps it was all just numbed by the emotions that were surfacing, the ones that he needed to swallow back. He already showed himself to be weak in front of everyone. He didn't watch her as she left the tent. Instead, he just got dressed and slipped out, trying to do so undetected. He needed to be alone he needed a moment. He went to the trees, ensuring that there was no one else around. He could feel it coming on, and the last thing he wanted was for others to see him like this as well. He put his hand on the trunk of a tree to balance himself, hunching over as he threw up. Maybe it was the aftermath of everything.

What he had done. What he had discovered. His body shutting down. Ripping out the IV hadn't helped, but that was the least of his concerns right now. He moved a bit further, seating himself on the ground with his back against a tree trunk, trying to hide from everyone. He didn't want to face anyone right now. Instead, he let the tears fall from his eyes. A moment of weakness to add on to the rest. One that he dare not show to others.

It was all too much to bare. He couldn't do it. He sat there for the entire day, only snapping out of it when he noticed that the sun was starting to set. Whether people were looking for him or not, he didn't care. Affording himself enough time, he eventually forced everything back. He had gotten it out of his system and that was it. Never again. He took a deep breath and rose to his feet. He pushed back the emotions that made him weak, for he needed to be a leader now. He needed to be strong for their people.

He turned back to camp, Octavia seeing him and immediately rushing toward him. He exchanged a few words with her, as well as hugged her, unable to imagine a life without her. Just as people here would not be able to imagine this place without Clarke. She claimed that the people needed him, but she was wrong. It needed both of them. And he couldn't be part of the reason she left. It would be selfish and unfair and . . . they all needed her. After parting ways with Octavia, he saw Clarke, seated on her knees.

He paused for a moment, before approaching her, not sure if she even saw him but it didn't matter. He stopped when he was close enough to be heard. This wasn't about him. This wasn't about how he felt. They had both done things, unspeakable things, and he had to look at the bigger picture right now. It didn't mean he forgave her for what she did . . . but for the sake of everyone, he couldn't let it strain them. They had to be here, both of them. So finally, he spoke, words that were diffiuclt to say but came out with strength. "You did what you had to do."

[Clarke Griffin]

Even the light did no longer give her a hint as to what was going on, what time it was. It was like she was far away, broken, numb, but not without pain. It hurt, everything hurt. Clarke didn’t notice him coming, but she heard him, she would always know who this voice belonged to. She had longed to hear it for a long while, feared to not be able to hear it anymore. It was a nightmare. She longed to wake up, but what would happen then? Clarke felt defeated. 

“No.” She shook her head. It just wasn’t what she had to do. It was what she was made believe she had to do. It was an impossibly hard decision, but she had acted, had chosen. “It was selfish.” Clarke still didn’t look up to him. She couldn’t, wouldn’t ever look at him again, not like this. She didn’t deserve it. “I wanted to evacuate Tondc. But Tondc. Had we evacuated, they would have known we had an inside man. We would have endangered you. Had Lexa not mentioned that… I couldn’t lose you.” Her fingers clenched the clothes tightly. “Love is weakness. I guess I’m weak.” And she would always be, but now? She had nothing anymore and that was good. She deserved it. “I stopped the assassin, in case you wondered. I would have killed him, had Lexa not taken the order back.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She told him that it was selfish, that she had tried to evacute but that would have resulted in them knowing he was inside Mount Weather. Bellamy believed he could have handled it. It wasn't like he had gotten in according to the initial plan anyway. Everything had changed. But of course, Clarke didn't know that. Neither did Lexa. She was the real enemy here; after betraying them like that, and making orders that sacrificed not only her people but their own . . . it just reaffirmed that the Grounders could not be trusted.

No matter how much they had wanted to. She then said that she couldn't lose him, that love was weakness and that she was weak. He wondered what she meant by that, but knew that this wasn't the time to read into such words. He knew the feeling, because he sure as hell didn't want to lose her either. "Well then that's something," he said when she told him that she had stopped the assassin. At least she had tried to save her, and not let the assassin kill her. It was something. A hope, that Bellamy could perhaps once day trust her with Octavia again. "You're not weak, Clarke," he added on. He felt like the weak one right now. He doubted he could have made that kind of decision, even if Octavia wasn't there.

"We've all made tough decisions." Hell, so many people could blame him for killing someone in that family when he had been responsible for all those people dying on the Ark. "But we do what we have to in order to survive." That was why they were the leaders. Because they made decisions that no one else could. With that, he paused for a moment, gaining the strength as he extended his hand to her, in order for her to take it so that he could pull her to a stand. But of course, the action was more than just a show of physical support. They were a team. Whatever happened, however much they hurt each other . . . they were in this, together.

[Clarke Griffin]

It wasn’t something. It was not enough. It was regret. It was desperate, stupid. She should have put an end to things immediately. But she hadn’t. She still asked herself how she could have trusted Lexa. But she was blinded. She knew exactly what cards to play in order to get Clarke to do what she wanted. And Clarke had done every single thing according to her. Locking back she had made so many mistakes. She was so weak, easy to manipulate because of her feelings. Even the kiss was to manipulate her, wasn’t it? So she would do whatever Lexa wanted. 

Clarke looked at his hand as he held his hand out as if to help her up. But she couldn’t. She didn’t have the strength to get up, not yet, if ever. She just wanted to stay here, not move, so she would make no more mistakes, so nobody could manipulate her anymore. She had stayed for him. She had done a lot for him. And she couldn’t move. “No. If that was the case, I would have acted differently. But Lexa knew what to say, I see that now.” The most people apart from the guards were asleep anyway, leaving them in relative privacy despite being outside. She could continue to sit here. “She knew my weakness and she exploited it.” How could she not see it back then? “She knew I’d do whatever it took to protect you.” She just wanted it all to stop. She wanted to heal, but she had no idea how. She had no idea how to cope. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive this, Bellamy. I don’t know if I want to.” But she had to. She had done this. She could not let her people down. She had to stand up and live and protect them, even if it was all she was worth for now. Finally she took his hand. 


Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She didn't take his hand, and he wasn't sure what that meant. He feared this would push her over the edge and cause her to leave which . . . despite how angry and hurt he was, he didn't want that. She was explaining how Lexa had exploited her weakness. To hear that Clarke would have done anything to protect him . . . well, it went both ways. He would do everything in his power to protect her as well. Yet despite the hypocrisy, he didn't want her risking anything or anyone for him. Not herself, not their people. It wasn't worth it.

"And you did," he stated. She did protect him. He had to remember that. Whatever she decided, was for the good of their people. They had killed everyone in Mount Weather, including innocent children . . . to save their people. "And thanks to you, our people are safe." Perhaps he was reminding her just as much as he was reminding himself. She did what she had to do. Their people had been the priority. He needed to numb himself to what that meant for Octavia; for the sake of effectively leading what was left of their people. He wasn't sure how much longer he could stand for, feeling his entire body weaken with each passing moment.

But soon enough, she took his hand, once stating that she didn't know how to survive this, not sure she wanted to. When she took his hand, he pulled her to her feet, looking directly at her. "You'll survive this, because you have to." Words that he had to tell himself as well because, just like her, he wasn't sure he could do this anymore. "We didn't go through hell and back to save our people, just to give up on them now." Otherwise everything they had done, would have been done in vain. "We're here. And so are they." And that was what they needed to remind themselves of. "They need us, Clarke. Together." Not one more than the other. They needed both of them. And he couldn't do this without her.

[Clarke Griffin]

“Thanks to us.” He should never forget his role in this. Without him, without his sacrifice, she could have never done this. She would have failed. She would be nothing now, either. But they had each other, somehow. They knew what the other had been through. Perhaps they were the only ones, who knew the others struggle, even just remotely. As Clarke looked at him, she nodded. “Together.” They would get through this, together. And she would stay here, like she had planned until he was okay again. She would stay until he was healed, but she didn’t know if she could heal. No matter what she had to be there for him and maybe, maybe he could heal her, too. Still holding his hand, Clarke turned back to the tent. 

“Still want me there, Bellamy? I don’t…. need to stay there. I can go find another place to stay.” Whatever was best for him. But maybe, just maybe they were each others best company. She wanted to be there for him. Clarke turned to look at their hands again. How could he be so good and not see it? This man. He was everything. Without even thinking about it, she let go of his hand and just went ahead to hug him. Suddenly she felt her own exhaustion. God she needed a bed. Now she even realized how late it was.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy had learned a while back that he couldn't be a leader by himself. She had, in many ways, completed him . . . more than he may ever realize. All they had been through . . . he couldn't let this cause strain between them. They needed to move forward, be strong and move forward together. As she had said the word, he gave a small nod. She asked him if he still wanted her in there, and that she could find another place to stay. "As long as you don't snore, I want you in there," he said in an attempt to tease her, since she had suggested it earlier in jest.

He just wanted to move on. Wanted to get past Mount Weather. They may never truly heal from all they had to do . . . but it was sure as hell less lonely if they endured it together. Her hug both surprised him, and yet didn't at the same time. He paused for a moment before he wrapped his arms securely around her, her frame looking so tiny and yet it held so much strength. He took in the sensation of hugging her, of her scent, of everything about her that never failed to bring him the utmost comfort. He had been so angry and hurt, but it wasn't fair to her knowing what she had to go through. Aware of his own mistakes. He had told her that he would give her forgiveness, and he meant that. Even if it was for this. He eventually brought his head back to look and her and reluctantly lowered his arms from their embrace. "Come on. We should get some rest. It's been a hell of a day." Emotionally for once, rather than physically. Though the two had indeed been related.

[Clarke Griffin]

He was right. They needed rest. They both did. He especially, but hell even Clarke could feel she should get more rest. She started walking, still holding his hand all the while. She didn’t want to let go of him, not yet. She needed him to heal, maybe he needed her to heal. Either way they were sharing a perfectly spacious tent at a quiet corner of the Camp now, together. Clarke brought them inside their tent, still clinging to the change of clothes, which she just dumped onto the others. She didn’t know how she should feel there, freezing a little, remembering the feelings from earlier. Even the memory still hurt. Had he eaten? It didn’t look like it. Well, neither had she. She had refused even water. And she had no intention to eat or drink right now.

“Bellamy, we sleep for as long as our bodies say we sleep, okay? We’re of no use to the people if we’re this vulnerable and tired. They need us at the top of our game. If they need us, we’ll come, otherwise – we should allow ourselves to rest.” At the very least they should try to sleep. Clarke knew she would probably have nightmares for a long, long time. Him maybe, too. She needed him to eat, though. And… god he was stubborn, she knew it. She’d have to make him eat. Even though she hated the idea of using up rations, she had to, for him. Clarke took two and plopped herself down on his bed, waiting for him to sit with her. "Come, we have to eat a bit."

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The warmth of his hand in his gave him that comfort that he always felt whenever making any sort of physical contact with her. Her earlier words were still processing in his mind, as was everything else that had happened . . . that was happening. When they got inside his tent, she told him that they should sleep as long as their bodies demanded. It sounded like such a luxury. One that he didn't know they could afford but she sounded so convincing. And quite frankly, he was exhausted. After the sleep deprivation, and then being awoken only to find out something else . . . well, he was ready to sleep for quite some time.

Now whether that would be possible or not, was an entirely different matter. "I will if you will," he told her. He would only allow himself that, if she allowed herself it. "Besides, you've probably gotten less rest than me." Since she was taking care of him since they'd returned from Mount Weather. He watched her as she took some food and seated herself on his bed. Love is weakness.

That was what she had said that Lexa told her . . . and Clarke had said that she'd been weak. She'd destroyed an entire village to protect him. Bellamy silently made his way over, seating himself next to her. It felt so good to sit down, even more so sitting next to her. "I hadn't thought much about food," he admitted, never having realized he was hungry. "But something tells me I'm not the only one," he added on in slight teasing. They tended to put everyone else before themselves . . . though Bellamy's lack of hunger hadn't been due to taking care of another. He just, couldn't be bothered with eating.

[Clarke Griffin]

He was wrong there. She could have at least slept, in theory. That being said, no she didn’t. At least she didn’t have to be 100% on guard every second of their trips, yet she was, why? That reason was now sharing a tent with her. It was like she had a hard time letting go of control in Mount Weather, because her friend were involved, he was involved. “I will.” She told him honestly then. She would rest and sleep for as long as she could and needed to if only to ensure he would. 

Clarke turned to food in her hand almost nervously. This was something simple, almost sweet, yet she still felt it, all of it, the fear, the worry, the pain. She could not get the mental image of him hanging there, being bled out of her mind. Part of her wanted to run her hand over the marks again, make them disappear, give him her blood, so that problem would be solved. How much blood had he lost?

“You’re not the only one.” She still didn’t feel hungry, but would eat so he would. “I had… different worries than food.” And so did he, besides where would he have gotten food and drink from in Mount Weather? Stealing was potentially too risky. They both had different priorities. They had people to protect, for her this always included him. Slowly she unwrapped the food. “You gave me quite the scare, Bellamy.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He watched her toy with the food in her hand, looking at it, and in turn, he was looking at her. She spoke of how he wasn't the only one who hadn't thought about food, and that she had different worries. He knew what she meant by that. Her earlier words kept ringing in his mind, even though he had told himself not to read too much into them. Despite how he felt about her. He wasn't what she needed, not like this. Her next words of how he had given her quite the scare, caused him to stare at the food in his own hands that he had apparently picked up at some point.

"I didn't mean to," he told her truthfully. He knew that Clarke leaving had been the last straw for him. With the adrenaline finally wearing off, saying goodbye to Clarke had been it. He couldn't blame her for leaving though. He knew she had to do what she had to do. "But if it meant that you stayed, then I'm not that sorry," he added on, his words perhaps seeming like a tease, but there was not much joviality to them. There was truth. He didn't just want her to stay for him -- though he knew selfishly that was a big part of it. He wanted her to stay for the others as well. Because as he had said, they needed her.

[Clarke Griffin]

Damn him. Damn him and his understanding ways. He should hate her, instead they were here, trying to get the other to eat and recover. How would they do it? They even seemed to fail at eating. Clarke leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder as she finally broke off a bit of the food and shoved it into her mouth, mechanically chewing on it. It tasted like nothing, then again it wasn’t meant to. 

“Technically it got me to come back, not stay.” Just a matter of wording, but she wanted to try and keep it light. With all of their friends hurt or traumatized in one way or another that was hard. She worried for them, but most importantly him. But suddenly some topic came to her mind that was safe-ish. At least for now. “I could really, really do with some carrots right now.” Which were unavailable to them. “Or chocolate.” Again no way to get them. But it was a safe topic, one he might be able to relate to once he bit into that stuff he was meant to eat. "Or just salt."

Bellamy Blake