I can't lose you

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The second her head moved to his shoulder, he promptly moved an arm around her, casually draped over her. He didn't care what this looked like, or who may walk in tomorrow to see them. No one could understand better than each other the hell they had been through and back. Their experiences with with them forever, shaped them . . . to be the leaders that their people needed. If they were to be judged on it, so be it.

But the others would soon realize . . . they did what had to be done. "I like the sound of that," he stated as he closed his eyes. Feeling her so close, holding her, taking in her scent and the way her body was against his . . . felt perfect. It was just what he needed. His lips curved upwards in a smile when he heard -- and felt -- her snoring again. "You're really pushing it Clarke," he teased. As it was before, her sounds be it snoring or steady breathing, was like a lullaby, luring him to sleep, easing his haunted mind to whatever degree was possible at this point. It allowed him that distraction, just enough to actually fall into a slumber. It wasn't deep, but it wasn't filled with as many haunting images as it would have otherwise been; as it would have been had he not been holding her. His feelings with her were intensifying and it was a damn good thing he fell asleep before anything slipped out.

[Clarke Griffin]

The others had each other. They could use them, her and Bellamy as scapegoat to place the blame on them and be angry, to hurt like that and heal easily. They did not have this heavy weight on their shoulders, which made it for them so damn impossible to relate to someone else. They only had each other. They could only share this together, every step of the way they took together, they eventually backed each other up. In a way Clarke felt like she could safely say she carried his burden with him, as he did with her. So she didn’t care whoever came and saw them like that. They were in this together, even if it meant to have each other like that. Or to fake snoring just to make him smile before they finally allowed their bodies to rest. 

After Bellamy fell asleep – his even soft breathing indicator enough of that – she kept watching him. He looked so young like that, not broken or in pain. Right there, just after sleep claimed him, he was without a burden, but that could change later. They might share nightmares, but they had each other. As she watched him, sleep eventually took her as well. It was no easy sleep, but she had been right, Clarke found when she woke well in the morning: He had kept most her demons away, only the smaller ones, like Lexa invading her dreams. Nothing she couldn’t handle. The sun was well up, but Clarke didn’t move, not wanting to wake Bellamy.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy only started to slip out of sleep when he felt the sun spilling through the tent. His awakening was relaxing, and when he slowly opened his eyes, he knew exactly why. He wasn't jostled out of sleep due to a bad nightmare or a bad feeling . . . because Clarke was right next to him. He turned his head to face her, smiling, knowing that no words could express how he felt in this moment. He just looked at her, knowing his expression should be more guarded . . . but he couldn't help it.

Seeing her first thing in the morning was the most perfect sight to awaken to. Far better than any other he had experienced. He should probably say something, even if it was just good morning. But hearing another voice just outside his tent immedately distracted him. "Hey Bellamy. It's Monty! I got your breakfast here." Oh well that was nice of him. Bellamy forced himself to move from his current position and reach for his shirt, pulling it over his head. He didn't want to have to explain himself to other people, especally where Clarke was concerned. "Just a sec," he told him, looking to Clarke to seeing if she was ready. This wouldn't be the first time they slept in such close proximity; but it was perhaps the first they had slept holding each other in such a way.

[Clarke Griffin]

The moment he woke, was a moment of pure hope for Clarke. He seemed to be as fine as she was and that made her think that they could be right. They could survive this, they could heal together. They could heal each other. It could be all well in the next weeks. This didn’t kill them. They had to do this. It had to be done, like he said. Clarke found herself too comfortable in his embrace to move. At least not until a voice could he heard. Montys voice, to be exact. He announced breakfast for Bellamy. That was kind of him. Clarke didn’t know how she should feel about that, though. 

While she felt Bellamy move and pull on his shirt, Clarke got up to move her bed, but she didn’t put any more items of clothing. She figured it might be easier for Monty and herself, if she just made herself as small as possible. That meant to her that she lay back in bed, her back to where Bellamy slept. She pulled the cover higher as if to hide herself. Monty wouldn’t have to face herself that way. Maybe he’d think she’d sleep and be okay with it all. In any case, she felt her stomach clench. It hurt, the thought that even Monty, who had been down there with them... then again maybe that was exactly the reason. Maybe he blamed her for placing the burden on Bellamy. She couldn't blame him.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy watched Clarke as she seemed to go for pretending to be asleep. All he could do was stare at her, wishing it hadn't come to this with everyone. "Come in," Bellamy permitted, his eyes still falling to Clarke until Monty came in at which point he averted his gaze to him. Monty looked at Clarke as if surprised to see her there, as he looked down at the plate of breakfast he had. "Should I--" "Yeah you should." Monty should indeed get breakfast for Clarke as well, even if she was pretending to sleep. Monty seemed to become a bit embarrassed.

"Right! I'll uh, just leave this here and be right back." Bellamy let out a heavy breath as he looked at the food, not yet touching it. He would wait. Though he felt his appetite wasn't all to strong, he knew he had to eat something. "You don't need to pretend Clarke," he encouraged her softly. Monty had quickly replied with another plate and hastily apologized before making his leave. When he was gone, Bellamy reached over to Clarke, placing a hand on her covered back. "Come on. Have breakfast with me," he urged, already holding up the plate for her to take with his other hand.

[Clarke Griffin]

It hurt. It simply hurt to know it came to this. Maybe she should leave. Maybe it was all for nothing and nothing in this world could fix her relationship with those people anymore. But then again she was not here because of them. Clarke had been ready to leave, but she was staying for one person and one person only: Bellamy. That was it. No one else mattered at least not right now. But still as Bellamy told her to stop pretending, she sat up, unfortunately before Monty returned so that the other could see the two silent tears running over her cheeks that she simply could not hold back. Clarke was quick to wipe them off. 

Even Bellamys encouragements couldn’t do it for her, not yet. She felt sick to the stomach and as soon as Monty left, Monty who was there with them, who witnessed her decision, the floodgates opened and more tears flowed. “I can’t…. I can’t eat, Bellamy. I’d just throw up.” She couldn’t throw up, it would be a waste of food. She had to remind herself that she was staying for him, not for them. Clarke still took the plate from him to place next to her. “That… that’s exactly why I didn’t want to leave the tent.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He hated to see her cry wishing he could do more to ease her tears. She said that she would just throw up if she were to eat something. He knew that feeling. But right now, he had to eat if he was going to have a hope in hell of recovering, so he took a small bite, hoping that it would eventually encourage her to eat as well. He moved a bit closer to her, wishing he had more words of encouragement and comfort to offer. "It'll pass, Clarke," he told her. "Our people still look to you as a leader. They need you and they know it." She was so strong, and he wanted her to see that.

"People need time to recover. Not because of what we did." He made sure to use the word 'we'. He would never put any blame solely on her. She didn't deserve that. "But because they've also been through a hell of a lot. They're confused and traumatized. And it's why we have to be strong for them. We have to stand firm." It wasn't easy and he knew it, but he would be here with her. Because there were still over 40 of their people. People who were loyal to them, more so than Kane and Abby and the others who tried to implement their laws. He took Clarke's hand in his own, gently squeezing it. "They'll understand. But these wounds need time to heal. Just like our own." If they ever would heal. He had to be hopeful though. Otherwise, what was the point of this whole thing?

[Clarke Griffin]

Right there she felt hopeless. She didn’t see this changing. She didn’t see this ever getting better. This was Monty. Who else would treat her this way? Who else lay the blame solely on her? Her mother probably. Monty, Jasper, Octavia. This was on her, how could all of them be wrong? She still felt physically sick. He was right of course. They were confused and traumatized. It was just two days since Mount Weather, but at the same time, so was she. Apparently she needed to stand firm, but she couldn’t. Not anymore, because those lives were on her. And everyone reinforced that belief over and over again, save for Bellamy. Clarke slowly nodded. He was right. Their wounds needed to heal just like theirs.

She finally reached for a bit of bread. She pulled of tiny bits of it to slowly nibble on them. Maybe she would keep it down if she ate slowly. Anyway she leaned her head against his shoulder, tears still falling. “I just don’t know how to deal with this, Bellamy. I don’t know how to treat them in return.” Maybe he knew. But she couldn’t tell wha the best course of action was for her. “Should I avoid them for the time being? I dread to see Jasper...”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He was glad to finally see her eat, even if it was just a little bit and it prompted him to take a bite himself. He slightly tilted his head toward her in return to her action of leaning against his shoulder. He wished he could brush away her tears, tell her how much she meant to him. But that wasn't what she needed right now. She needed to heal. They both did. He could easily understand her not knowing how to treat others. Questioning whether she should avoid them."I guarantee you if you tried, they would still come to you." For guidance. For leadership. For . . . well, for the sheer reason that she was Clarke.

"I don't know how to act around them, or how you should," he admitted, taking another bite of his food. "We don't abandon our own." Words that he felt they needed to be reminded of right now. "So we keep moving forward. We start healing. Start repairing the damage from Mount Weather. We take care of those who were injured, and build our camp. Strengthen it. We hunt for food, gather provisions, prepare for the next season." Do what they always did. "We take care of our people. Of everyone. And continue building a life here." One that was now free from the threat of Mountain Men, and hopefully Grounders . . . at least for a little while. "Jasper, the others, they'll fall into place." They would assume their roles, and eventually, everyone could move on from this. That was Bellamy's hope anyway. "We do what we have always done since we step foot on the ground." Protect the others. Lead the others. Survive.

[Clarke Griffin]

Of course Bellamy would know exactly what to say in order for her to feel slightly better and slightly more uplifted about what was ahead. She was right. They needed to work. It was good for both of them, once their bodies were healed. Once they could work, it would be a great distraction for them. They could keep their minds occupied until the evenings and then go back to their tent, which was in a good position. Together they could heal here. It not only could work, but it would work, she knew it would. She knew him. He was cleverer than even he thought and in terms of leadership he was a natural. He could even lead her.

“We protect our people and survive. Yes. It’s actually a good idea. Once we’re strong enough we go back to work, do what we have to do.” Ease their consciences and distract them from the demons who haunted them these days. At least she hoped by then she would no longer be so sensible to how people treated her, how they looked at her. Clarke sighed. She put the plate down again. “Come on. Onto the bed with you.” The blonde walked over to the back to hook him up with the IV again. “That is only if you’re capable of multitasking eating and being medicated at the same time.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He was glad to hear her agree. It would give them something else to focus on, rather than just dwell in the past. Sure, they had their own demons to fight . . . but they didn't bring everyone here from Mount Weather only to give up on them now. "Exactly Clarke. We do what we have to do." And that, was the motto in which they lived it seemed. They did what they had to. They do what they have to. And ultimately, they did what no one else could: make those tough decisions.

She then encouraged him to lay down, as she moved to prepare him for the IV. He had agreed to it last night, and knew he needed to be strong in order to do everything he had just listed off to her. He popped another bit of food in his mouth before he sat on the bed in preparation. "Well that depends. Is it going to make me feel nauseous?" He asked. Heavy doses of medication could certainly do that; especially if he was already low on strength and food he supposed. Which only prompted him to eat a little bit more. "Hell with it, I can multitask," he concluded, holding out his arm for her to poke. This time, at least he knew what was going on and wouldn't wake up so abruptly.

[Clarke Griffin]

Doing this was easy. To prepare someone for an IV, to just do what she was taught to do, it was easy. It made sense to her. He needed it, his body needed it and she could provide him with it. It was as easy as walking, at least to her. “It shouldn’t, no. It’s mostly just to give your body what it needs in order to replace the blood you lost and all that. If you get nauseous by that you have a very sensible stomach.” And if he had that, the sight of blood should have been a problem for him, but it wasn’t. Clarke cleaned his arm again and gently – as gently as she could, inserted the needle and hooked him up to the bag. Without even thinking about it, she moved to kiss his forehead before walking around the bed.

Only then she noticed what she had just done, fully automatically. Well, there was worse than that. Clarke sat down on her bed again. She picked up the tray. Having done this had settled her a bit, allowing her to eat and drink just a bit more. “Are you feeling okay? No nausea?” Given that he shouldn’t feel bad, she hoped it wasn’t the case. Out of the corner of her eyes she kept watching it, hoping to finally see a bit of more color in his face soon.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He listened to her explain that the medication shouldn't make him nauseous and if it did, then he had a sensitive stomach. "Well I guess I can rule that out then," he decided with a bit of a smile. He watched her hand clean his arm before putting the needle inside. He hardly felt it. But then again, his tolerance for pain had grown quite a bit since arriving on Earth. With what they had all been through, it seemed to be the case for most of them anyway. The kiss she gave him on her forehead caused him to pause, caught off guard by it but not showing and sign of that.

It had felt so . . . casual. As if they did stuff like that all the time. The tender embrace, however brief, had felt warm and comforting. And made it easier to let himself be taken care of rather reject the need for it. He took another small bite of food, his appetite decreasing. "No nausea," he confirmed. Though the food wasn't settling all too well in his stomach but he supposed that had to do with the circumstances he had just come from. "I think just the rest of this bag should do it," he added on. He didn't want to waste any more supplies on him when the others would require them in the future. Maybe some even needed them now. "Though we can always double check with your mom or Jackson," he said with a smirk, unable to resist the tease.

[Clarke Griffin]

“You think?” she whispered to him. Since when was he the one trained to do that, she’d judge if he was up for it or not. Maybe the rest of the bag would do, for now. She’d not let him out of her sight, though. Without knowing how much blood he lost, she was guessing what he needed or not. She’d rather give him a bit too much than too little. “Oh god!” Clarke was very aware of his teasing there. She gently punched his free shoulder there. The last night was not forgotten to her, neither was the sight she had been confronted with.

“I actually don’t think either of them have time or should be confronted with that. There are people who need medical attention a bit more urgently than you do.” Even though she really wanted him to get proper medical attention it was the reality of the situation. He lost blood, hadn’t slept or eaten, everything things she could handle perfectly well all by herself, leaving the doctors to tend to those with injuries that needed close attention, like those who had been drilled for bone marrow. “Or are you against having a personal nurse? If you’re a good boy I might even strip.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He continued to smirk at her reaction, even more so when she punched him on the arm. It obviously didn't hurt, but he wasn't about to let it go. "You make it a habit of yours to beat up your patients, princess?" He asked teasingly, finding it rather . . . enjoyable and refreshing to be able to be so playful despite everything happening around them. She added on that neither had time or should be confronted for that, as there were those who required more medical attention than him. Harper and Raven being prime examples.

"How are the others recovering?" He asked. She had initially told him that they were fine, but he wanted to know more about it. He hated not being able to check on them himself. But if there was anyone's judgment he trusted in terms of their recovery, it was Clarke. He then slightly raised an eyebrow at her next teasing -- flirtatious even, remark. He turned his head to look at her with intrigue. "Hell, I've never played doctor before but you make it sound pretty damn good," he commented. Was he, really returning such flirtations? Is that what this even was? Normally he would give a second thought about it, but this was Clarke here. "For the record, I think I've been pretty good so far," he added on with a hint of a smile, an indirect . . . though not so subtle way to encourage her offer. This was all in good jest though . . . wasn't it?