Are you lost? Because I am too

[Deleted]

Shiloh felt like she couldn’t breathe in Camp Jaha. Probably because it had only been a few days and everything still felt alien after the last few months on the ground. Or maybe she just needed space to process the trauma of Mount Weather. Whatever it was, she needed out. She needed a minute alone to breathe, and even as big as Alpha Station was, that clearly wasn’t happening.

Finally the pressure had become too much. So Shiloh had taken a bag and snuck out beyond the wall. Security was tight with the state of Arker-Grounder relations currently in limbo, but there were still ways out for someone small and quiet. If she got caught on her way back in, she could pass it off as an outing to collect plants for medical. And to her credit, she did start out collecting plants. But the woods were quiet and she could actually hear herself think out here.

She kneeling near a tree using a knife to cut up a particular plant that could be crushed up to stave off infection when the openness of the woods started to get to her. She wasn’t trapped in a mountain watching her friends be dragged away. There weren’t warriors waiting behind the trees to kill her. (As far as she knew.) It was just her with no one to see. No pressure to keep it together.

It was like she had finally given herself permission to process. Shiloh shifted to sit with her back against the tree as the emotional weight of everything started sinking in. They had lost people in the Mountain. Heck, they had nearly died themselves. And their salvation had come at the price of other lives, the lives of people like Isaiah and Maya. Now they were back with their people, but they weren’t okay. None of them were. And farm station was still lost, which meant Shiloh’s mother was goodness only knew where. Maybe even dead. The thought made her chest hurt. Shiloh shut her eyes briefly as she took a shaky breath and let it out. If she started crying, she wasn’t sure she could stop.

A sound in the trees snapped her eyes back open. She whipped out her knife, not that she knew much about fighting with it, and was ready to spring to her feet when a person came into view. An Arker judging by their clothing. Shiloh let out a relieved exhale as her posture relaxed. “Geez. Don’t sneak up on people like that.” She lowered the knife, swiping a hand across her eyes just to be sure they were dry. She didn’t feel like explaining tears to a stranger. “You shouldn’t be out here alone.” The fact that Shiloh shouldn’t either was entirely beside the point. They were close enough to the camp that she felt confident she could make a run for it in the event of any serious danger. Besides, after the last few months, a grab at sanity ranked about physical safety.

Tara C. Donovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

Tara was so tired... Tired of thinking about everything that had happened since they landed, tired of dreaming about what she did to her mother. She could remember every single detail of it and it drove her crazy. Seeing herself stabbing her mother with some sharp piece of metal everytime she closed her eyes was so much more than she could endure. And not sleeping wasn't a good solution. She needed to clear her mind if she didn't want to lose it.

That was why after wandering in Alpha Station, Tara let her feet lead her as she got lost in her thoughts. She didn't know what to do to think to something else so she just walked. She didn't know for how much time she was going to walk neither did she know where she was going but she kept walking. She wasn't sure of what she could expected of that walk alone, her body there but her mind so far away.

Apparently, her feet had decided to bring her in the forest. The calm and quiet forest around the camp. Nature, silence and loneliness, it should have been perfect for Tara to clear her mind, at least that's what she must have unconsciously assumed but now that she was there, she didn't feel any better or even any different. Breathing fresh air and walking without any purpose wasn't helping but she kept walking around.

Tara was still thinking, trying to find a way to let the thoughts go when suddenly, a voice brought her back to reality. But that's only when she saw the sunlight reflecting in the knife the girl who was in front of her was holding that Tara understood what was going on. "I - I'm sorry... I didn't mean to scare you." she apologized, she was so confused. She didn't know where she was, she didn't know how much she had been walking and she didn't know with who she was right now.

But coming back to herself, she tried to cover up her confusion. "Isn't it ironic that you're the one saying that?" Tara answered to the Arker when she told her she shouldn't be there on her own. Then, she decided to offer the other girl some help in an attempt to sympathize "Can I help you with something?".

@shiloh

[Deleted]

The girl in front of Shiloh seemed surprised. Almost like she hadn’t realized where she was going. And while that was a dangerous position to be in out here, Shiloh couldn’t really blame her. She slid her knife into its makeshift holster. “It’s fine. Just… You have to be careful out here.” Her voice wasn’t critical. Just slightly concerned. The last thing Camp Jaha needed was more dead people.

Which definitely made Shiloh’s comment a little ironic. “Yeah, probably.” She should’ve brought company out here. Someone with a gun. Or at the very least some idea of how to actually use a knife for more than just cutting plants. But that would’ve defeated the whole purpose of this little excursion. “Although if the ground hasn’t killed me yet, I think my chances are pretty good.” It was meant as a joke, although admittedly a dark and weary one. Her weak smile made it fall fairly flat. After everything the last few months had thrown at them, especially at the delinquents, it was starting to feel like maybe there wasn’t much point in taking precautions. Life was just going to throw a wrench in their plans anyway. Or maybe it was just that Shiloh had never been much good at being concerned for her own safety. She could spend all day worrying about others. Her own needs though… Somehow those just never tended to rank very high.

The girl’s question gave Shiloh pause. Which was better? The honest answer or the easy one? She glanced at the small pack beside her where a few plant stalks were sticking out the top. It would be easy to blame the plants. In fact, the words were already on her tongue when she looked back up. But the girl’s face gave her pause. That lost and tired look she had first worn was all too familiar. So instead Shiloh sighed. “Honestly? I think I just needed some air. I’m guessing you did too.” She looked pointedly from the girl’s face to the grass beside herself and back up. Shiloh hadn’t really set out wanting company, but now that it was here, maybe she didn’t mind so much. Besides, this tree big enough for two to sit against. If nothing else, at least she would know the girl wasn’t out there wandering the woods alone.

Tara C. Donovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

The way the girl spoke made Tara aware that the other Arker had noticed how lost and confused she was and she hoped she won't have to answer questions about that. "Yeah, I know... I just... I got lost in my thoughts so I didn't notice you..." Tara said honesly. And did she really needed to be careful anyway, nobody would notice that she wasn't there anymore and there weren't much people who would miss her so it didn't really matter for her to be careful.

The girl admitted she wasn't the best person to say that Tara shouldn't be alone in the woods but Tara couldn't blame her for that, it was human to need to be lonely sometimes. It happened to all of them, some more often than others. Tara wasn't really sure what to think of the girl's words about the ground not having killed her yet but she told her "Well, only people kill people so as long as we can't read minds, we don't know what can happen...". Tara was quite well placed to say that, she knew anyone could become a killer by choice or not, even the kindest person in the world. But that meant that they should always be careful and on their guard and if they wanted to live without being stressed all the time, they needed not to take too much precautions and just live their lives without worrying.

Without really knowing why, Tara felt like she could be honest with the girl so she hoped the other Arker felt like that too. She saw the girl hesitation, maybe she didn't really want to confess to a stranger which was totally understandable by the way. But as the younger girl invited her to sit next to her, Tara did so and answered her "Is it that obvious? Do I look that bad? Because I definitely did need to breathe some fresh air...". She had to look worse than she actually thought because of the long nights during which she stayed awake to avoid the nightmares. And now, even if the first purpose of this walk was to be alone, Tara enjoyed the idea of staying there sitted with the girl in the calm of the forest. "By the way, I'm Tara." she said realizing that she hadn't introduced herself.

@shiloh

[Deleted]

It was an odd thing to say about people killing people. Shiloh’s eyes slid away to the woods. Suddenly she didn’t want to be looking at the other girl. “Yeah. You never know who might become a killer.” Herself, for example. Sure, she had killed a few grounders. But that had been in war, and somehow that made it different. It didn’t keep Shiloh up at night. Her father though… Killing him did, even though it had technically been self-defense. Shiloh didn’t regret it exactly. Thinking about it just made her feel dirty somehow. She tugged up a blade of grass and rolled it between her fingers briefly before throwing it away. She didn’t want to think about her father. Or about the people in Mount Weather who had been willing to kill children to keep themselves alive. Or about the children who had been killed to prevent that from happening. Some irony that was.

A tired smile touched Shiloh’s face as the girl joined her on the ground. “No, you look fine. I just know that look. I see it whenever there’s a mirror.” The look of someone who had been through too much and wasn’t sure how much energy they had left. It felt like Shiloh had spent her whole life being tired. Between life on the Ark, being locked up, and then everything that had happened on the ground… It just never seemed to stop.

Somehow having the other girl sitting there made Shiloh feel a little less alone. She leaned her head against the rough bark of the tree, just soaking up the calm of the forest. She could almost pretend the rest of it didn’t exist. The introduction caused her to tilt her head toward Tara. “I’m Shiloh.” Thank goodness for no last names. Too many people still recognized Shiloh’s as being related to the former council member who had died. But without that surname she could be herself. “So why did you need air, if you don't mind my asking?" It might be too personal of a question to ask of someone she had just met, but Shiloh had a bit of a knack for knowing when people needed to talk. And discussing someone else's problems made a nice distraction from her own.

Tara C. Donovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

Maybe Tara shouldn't have said what she just said about people killing people but the words just got out of her mouth before she could stop them. But seeing how the other girl acted after that, Tara understood that it had touched her and she felt sorry to have let the words out, she didn't mean to make the girl feel uncomfortable. - She could not have put it any better - Tara thought when the girl spoke about never knowing who might become a killer but the other Arker probably didn't suspect that the girl beside her was a killer. Tara had stabbed her own mother and she couldn't sleep because of that. Her mother was litterally haunting her and she wasn't sure she could keep living like that any longer. It was a weight way too heavy that she couldn't carry on her shoulders anymore.

"Then I must look much better than I thought." Tara told the girl smiling at her. She perfectly understood what look the girl was talking about. This tired look not only tired because they hadn't sleep enough the last night but also tired of everything around them. Tara had that look for what seemed to be an eternity now. She had grown more and more tired over the years since she was a child. Her mother's terrible treatments, her father's suicide, her mother's death by her hand, if you added everything that had happened, everything she saw since the landing, you could easily understand why Tara had this look and was so tired.

Even if she wanted to be alone when she had left the camp, having the girl next to her now didn't bother Tara. All the contrary, she was glad she had met the girl otherwise who knows where she would be at the moment. But she had run into Shiloh, maybe it was a sign, maybe the girl could help her. That was why when Shiloh asked her why she needed air, even if Tara wasn't the kind of person who shared what they had on their heart, which was quite ironic as she usually incited people to talk to her as a former student in psychology, she decided to answer the girl "I can't sleep lately because I have loads of things in my mind and I hoped that walking outside and breathing some fresh air could maybe help me clearing my mind... But I guess I was wrong..." Tara sighed acknowledging her defeat against her thoughts and then added "Your turn to tell me why you needed air now.".

@shiloh

[Deleted]

Shiloh was mildly surprised when Tara actually gave an honest, if vague, answer. She probably shouldn’t be. There was something about Shiloh that seemed to make people talk to her. It was just that Tara seemed like the same kind of person. The kind who kept things to herself. Shiloh nodded in understanding. “Some things you can’t walk off.” If they could, Shiloh would be halfway across the continent by now. Sometimes it felt like the tired would never go away. Like she would never get a decent night’s sleep again. Half the time she was thinking too much to sleep, and the other half her dreams were haunted by drills and hallways full of dead bodies and her mother being beaten to death and not being able to move as her friends were gunned down.

Then it was her turn to answer. Shiloh hesitated, tugging up another blade of grass and rolling it into a tiny ball. She’d never been good at sharing what she was feeling. Mostly because it had been forbidden for almost her entire life. But she had the strangest feeling now that if she didn’t share at least some of it, she might fade right out of existence. Finally she sighed heavily. “Pretty much the same thing. Every day down here is another fight. And no matter what we do, people just keep dying.” She raised her arm to throw the wadded up blade of grass far away. “They sent a hundred of us down here as guinea pigs, and in two months, over half of us are dead.” Somehow she didn’t even care that she had just revealed herself as one of the hundred. If Tara wanted to view her as a dangerous ex-convict, then so be it.

Maybe Shiloh could’ve lived with the rest, but now there was even more to it. “I don’t even know what happened to my mom. She was on farm station, so she could be stranded out there or she could be dead. I don’t know.” Shiloh frowned a little as something else occurred to her. “And I think my birthday’s next week.” She couldn’t be sure. She had lost track of time a bit since hitting the ground. But the weary note in her voice said that birthdays weren’t a good thing. It was the day she had killed her father. One year since she had seen her mother. Since she had become a killer. Since she had set herself on a path that left her mother alone and put Shiloh sitting against this tree with a girl she barely knew. She sighed again as she stared off into the trees. “I feel like… like I’ve shattered into a million pieces and I just haven’t realized it yet. And when I do…” When she did, that just might be the end of her.

Tara C. Donovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

Tara was already regretting her vague answer, it did feel quite well to speak to someone about what happened to her. She now understood why people spoke to her, why they need a psychologist sometimes. "Yeah, it would be too easy if walking just make it go away and make us able to live with what we did and what we saw..." They would be far away, walking all the time and being more tired than ever if it worked and Tara knew that it wouldn't work before beginning to do it.

Tara was glad that Shiloh had decided to talk to her. Maybe she could tell more for this girl. She had noticed that Shiloh said she went down with ninety-nine other delinquants but she didn't really care that the girl was one of the hundred, it didn't scared her at all, she had killed her mother so maybe she was even worst than the girl. So to show Shiloh that she wasn't shocked or scared by the fact she was one of the hundred, she decided not to bring this topic "Exactly, it's like life is just a huge game where we are the players and no matter what choice we do, we always lose... It's so unfair..."

"I'm sorry to hear that... But sometimes it's better not to know believe me... I wish I didn't know what happened to my mother..." Actually she would probably not be there at this time if she didn't have killed her because she wouldn't be haunted. Tara listened to what Shiloh had to say like she had learnt to years ago. The girl was going to turn eighteen the following week and she seemed to have no one there for her as she didn't know what happened to her mom and didn't mention anyone else. That made a lot but Tara felt like there was more behind this. So Tara decided to reveal the girl a little more about her to see if it would make her open a bit more "Birthdays and anniversaries are terrible things... They are meant to make you think you are going to celebrate or to remember and just be happy but they are also a part of the game that life is... But there is always something hidden behind them... And actually I think my dad's death anniversary is in few days...". Six years had passed since she had found her father's body and she still remembered every details. A silence settled but it was broken by Shiloh when she tried to express her feeling. "When you do you'll literally explode in a million pieces and return to dust..." Tara completed Shiloh's sentence "Yeah... I know that feeling...".

@shiloh