I Couldn't Let You Die

[Monty Green]

Monty woke with a jolt as he realised that somebody was shaking him by the shoulder and for a second he didn't know where he was. It looked like the ark but he knew that they'd been on earth for a while now, there was no way that they were back home. That's when he remembered the events of the past couple of days, he remembered being put in a cage and Harper screaming in pain as they forcefully extracted her bone marrow and then he remembered being almost rescued before being locked up again. He remembered everything, including enabling Clarke and Bellamy to pull the lever that would irradiate the mountain and kill every mountain person that was not immune to the radiation. However, before that he remembered drugging Isaiah and forcing him into a hazmat suit that would save his life, he'd had help with that, Iah was a big guy and Monty didn't think that he'd be able to get him into that suit on his own. Suddenly his mind seemed to wake up and he noticed the woman that had been shaking him and he remembered the reason why she must have been waking him "how long?" he asked, suddenly wide awake despite the heaviness of sleep that still held him back "two hours" at that he got to his feet and was already on his way to the airlock as he called "I told you to wake me as soon as he woke up!" it was frustrating, because he knew that all he wanted was to be there for Isaiah when he woke so that he could explain everything and now he found out that they'd waited two hours before realising that it was probably a good idea to come and find him.

He'd grown closer to Isaiah in Mount Weather, every day they'd eaten together (with Monty eating his usual helping of chocolate cake) and they'd learnt a lot about each other. Monty discovered that they both knew a lot about farming, although Iah was definitely a lot more passionate about it than he was and perhaps one of the cuter things that Monty had learnt about the other man was his habit of listening to old pop songs when he thought no one was around to hear. He'd caught the mountain man listening to some old music that he couldn't say he was particularly fond of once and after persistent questioning, had forced the other man to tell him what that was all about. After several weeks of eating together, Monty finally plucked up the courage to ask the other man out on a date. Isaiah had been so surprised when he'd asked him and it almost didn't matter that Monty had no idea what sort of things counted as 'date-worthy' in the mountain because the expression on his face was worth it even if he got rejected. Fortunately Isaiah accepted the invitation and Monty had been left to hurriedly explain that he hadn't thought that far ahead because he'd felt sure that the only answer he was going to receive would be a firm 'no'.

As he walked down to hall, he thought about everything that he was going to have to explain to his boyfriend and how much might have actually been explained to him. He'd made it clear that he wanted to be the one to tell Iah what had happened but it had been two hours, there was no telling what had happened in the time that he'd been sleeping. He rounded the corner and the airlock came into sight and Monty felt himself speed up a little in an attempt to get there faster and then he could see him. It felt wrong to lock him up, especially after everything that had happened to himself and his friends in Mount Weather but he kept telling himself that this was different, this was to protect him, until he became immune to the radiation and was able to step outside without dying... Like everybody else in the mountain. He stopped in front of the glass, it was a barrier that allowed him to see the other man but made it so that he couldn't touch him or offer him any kind of physical comfort and Monty hadn't anticipated how infuriating that was going to be. "Hey..." he greeted Iah cautiously, unsure about how much he knew and how he was going to react to him being there "what have they told you?" he knew that it would be cruel if they had left him for two hours, refusing to give him any information about where he was and why he was there but then, he'd told them not to... He'd told them to fetch him at the first signs that he was waking up, so that he could be the one to explain to him what they'd done.

Isaiah Riggs

[Isaiah Riggs]

Monty Green HELLO IAH MUSE Two hours had felt like a lifetime. Isaiah's body was weak, muscles tired and a sharp pain on his arm where he had been told a needle had been. Still, he kept on his feet, unable to just sit still and wait. As he glanced down at the floor, Isaiah was surprised that he hadn't left a trail of shoe prints behind from all the pacing. The worst part about the waiting really was the fact that he could stop it whenever he wanted to. Isaiah had been the one to say that Monty shouldn't be woken. After insisting with the unfamiliar women for a couple of minutes, he had won and now because of that, he waited. And it wasn't that Isaiah was impatient. It was that he was scared. His eyes weren't calm, as they might been when he was waiting for a friend for dinner. They sparked with fear, wide and wild, constantly looking around at the metal and unfamiliar surroundings he found himself in. The part that keep that fear strong was that Isaiah didn't really recognise anyone around. He had seen one or two of the teenagers that had been in the mountain with him, and he knew that Monty was somewhere, but other than that the adults around him were strangers. Obviously Space People, but total strangers. They hadn't answered many of his questions since he woke up. Every time he tried to ask where his people were, where he was, they told him that they could get Monty to explain. Isaiah had chewed on his bottom lip each and every time, trying to decide if it was worth waking him. Still, each and every time he had decided that Monty's sleep was more important. While Isaiah was nice, the answer was given half in fear of what the answers might be. If it was so important that Monty told him, could they be good? Even the worst of news would sound better coming from Monty's mouth. Nothing bad came from it, feelings or words. Isaiah was looking forward to being able to kiss his lips again, to hear his voice that could be so passionate, especially when on the topic of Mount Weather's chocolate cake. It was the many thoughts of Monty and that growing impatience that led Isaiah to finally give in and ask for Monty to be woken. His pace grew faster, feet covering more ground as the minutes seemed to stretch out further and further until finally . . . Monty's voice had Isaiah's head shoot up, relief plastered on his face as he walked right up to the glass that would separate them. As his hands pressed against it, he becoming suddenly and painfully aware of the fact that he couldn't touch Monty. It didn't stop Monty's voice though and the mere sound of his greeting was music to Isaiah's ears. "Hey," Isaiah said, his voice quiet and uncertain. While he liked seeing and hearing Monty, it didn't calm everything else that Isaiah was feeling. "Nothing, really. I know I had a needle in my arm. I know I'm not in Mount Weather." It was difficult to meet Monty's eyes. Isaiah couldn't really work out why that was so. He looked past Monty's head, at the woman that he had talked to earlier, had asked to bring Monty to him. After a moment, he did meet Monty's eyes, even if the look was brief. "I just want to know where I am. Where my family is, too. They wouldn't tell me . . . Can you?" Isaiah's voice hardly had any volume to it by the end of the question, his voice being sucked away as moisture built up in his eyes. He had always cried easily, especially when he didn't want to.

[Monty Green]

Monty felt his heart break when Isaiah approached the glass and pressed his hands against the window that separated them. Monty resisted the urge to step closer to the glass, he wanted to be close to the other man but right now it was his job to give him answers. Answers that were going to hurt him and Monty never wanted to hurt him but he had... By enabling the irradiation of his home and subsequently the murder of all of his friends and family that lived there. Monty blinked away the tears that he could feel forming in his eyes when he thought about how he was going to tell Isaiah the truth and he cleared his throat "I asked them not to tell you" he explained, his voice sounded shaky as he fought to keep his emotions under control because this wasn't the time to cry. He felt guilty for what he had done and he felt pain at knowing what it was going to do to the man that was standing in front of him, he cared about him so much, he loved him and he was about to tell him that he'd enabled the murder of everyone that he cared about and saved him but hadn't bothered to save anyone else.

"I wanted to be the one to tell you, I didn't want you hearing from anybody else" he could see the tears in Iah's eyes and he already knew that this was going to be the worst thing that he'd ever had to tell someone. What could be worse than hearing that your whole family had been killed "you're in Camp Jaha, it's where my people live and the airlock is what's keeping you alive, if you left that room now then the radiation would kill you... It's why you're locked away and why I can't-" he placed an unsteady hand on the glass and he was painfully aware at how reluctant Isaiah seemed to be to look at him "being in there would hurt you... And I never want to hurt you" he finished his previous sentence, all the while knowing that what he'd helped to do would hurt his boyfriend more than anything else, even the radiation that would kill him if he left the airlock. "You'll be able to leave soon though, the needle in your arm... I donated the bone marrow that will keep you alive once it's had time to take effect" that had been the easiest decision he'd ever had to make, choosing to save Isaiah, he could not watch him die. He couldn't imagine making the decision that he had if Iah had been among the dead.

Now came the hardest part of this conversation and he knew that it was only going to be downhill from there "your family isn't here" he told him, his voice shaking as he looked at the ground, he wasn't able to meet his gaze, he knew that he owed him as much as to look him in the eyes when he told him that he'd helped to murder his family but he couldn't do it. He couldn't watch his words destroy the person that he cared about the most in the world at that moment "...We had to make a decision, your president was killing our people, torturing them by drilling into their bones to get to the bone marrow that would enable them to leave the mountain and they would have died" he began to explain, the words coming slowly from his mouth, knowing that every word that left his mouth would lead him closer to telling Iah the truth. "It was either your people, or ours... I hacked into the system and made it possible for my friends to irradiate your home, everyone you knew... Everyone you cared about, they're gone, I'm so sorry" he was sorry for everything, for killing those innocent people, for not being smart enough to think of another way and he was sorry that Isaiah had to hear all of this and had to live through the pain of knowing that everyone he knew was gone.

Isaiah Riggs

[Isaiah Riggs]

Monty Green Kill me now. I HATE this. As much as Isaiah felt sad, it looked like Monty wasn't feeling particularly happy either. Isaiah didn't know if he wanted to read into that. It could just be the fact that he had been woken from a peaceful sleep (and Isaiah had learnt that Monty really loved his sleep), the fact that glass was separating them or something much worse. It was difficult not to think that it was something so much worse, that Isaiah was about to be given the worst news of his life. He would be lying to say that he hadn't already thought about that. It wasn't too difficult to put the pieces together. The fact that he wasn't in Mount Weather, the lack of other residents around. Isaiah's breath caught in his throat, tears stinging at his eyes as he blinked them away. He was just about praying by this point for it to not be anything worthy of a nightmare. Monty's words didn't contradict those that the woman had told him earlier. That was good, Isaiah guessed. There hadn't been any lies told, Monty had really wanted it to be him that told Isaiah everything. Whatever that everything was. "Okay, what didn't you want me hearing from anyone else?" It was pretty obvious what sort of things Monty would be explaining to him but the words still came from mouth, some desperate hope that things would be fine. As Monty's hand pressed to the glass, Isaiah pressed his against it harder, as if he could something feel the warmth of Monty's skin through the translucent material. It was hard, so hard, to not be able to touch Monty. To be able to comfort him and find comfort in him. Isaiah hadn't missed the way Monty's hand had been shaking or the way that his eyes were just slightly glistening. Why am I in Camp Jaha? Isaiah wanted to ask. He wanted to shout the words out, insist on an answer right away. But he kept quiet, he took a deep breath. And Monty continued to speak and explain what he needed to know. There was a brief smile on Isaiah's lips, a thank you for what Monty had done. To hear that Monty had gone through what could have been a painful thing to allow Isaiah . . . "I can go outside," Isaiah said, disbelief evident in his voice. "Outside. I can see trees and flowers. I could make a farm." The thought swallowed him up and the hopes had his heart lift. This was what his dream had been since a little kid, to escape the confines of Mount Weather. But it was obvious to see that that wasn't all Monty had to say. He had to tell Isaiah where the rest of his people were. Maybe they were already outside, maybe he would be able to see them when he wasn't locked away. "Okay, so where are they?" he asked, growing impatient. His face seemed to switch between the hopeful smile and the worried frown, unsure of how to feel with the new news he had been given from Monty. And then it didn't sound good. Nothing sounded good. Isaiah heard every word come from Monty's mouth and it was like he was talking in slow motion. About Dante and torture and . . . Isaiah couldn't hold back the sob that teared through him. Nor could he stop the way he cried out/ His gaze dropped to the ground and as he tried to turn away from Monty, so did his body. His knees hit the ground, pain shooting up into his back. His hands flattened against the cold metal, fingertips curling just enough to dig his nails into the floor. His brain was fogged up, thought impossible as more sobs raked through his body. Moisture was on his cheeks, his chin, dripping. One word rang through Isaiah's mind. Sorry. Sorry. Monty was SORRY. "I . . . I don't--How can you say sorry?" Isaiah didn't make any move to stand, and his voice lacked the strength needed to be clear. He sobbed through the words, his whole body shaking. Faces appeared in his mind. His mother. His father. His best friends. The woman that always smiled at him in the hallways. The man that told him knock knock jokes when they sometimes sat together for meals. The worst part was, Isaiah was sure he knew every face in the Mountain. He could have let every face run through his mind. "You're not sorry. You wouldn't have done it." Now Isaiah was glad that there was something blocking him from touching Monty. He wanted to hit the other man, not kiss him. And Isaiah knew he could never hold his own in a fight. Fighting anyone would only kill him as well, like all the rest of the people he knew and loved.

[Monty Green]

Monty could see the confusion on Isaiah’s face and he could understand the fear that he was feeling at waking up in a strange place without any of his people in sight to lend him comfort. Monty had experienced that same fear when he’d first woken in Mount Weather’s quarantine facility, only Monty’s own fear had been eliminated when he was reunited with his friends, Isaiah would have no such relief. Monty knew that he was going to destroy Isaiah’s whole world and before he told him what had happened to his people, it was like it had never happened and Monty wished that it could stay that way. He wanted to shelter the other man from the knowledge for as long as possible, because while he remained clueless, he could be happy and he could have hope for the future but he couldn’t stay in the airlock forever and it wasn’t fair for Monty to want to keep him in the dark about the fate of his people, if roles were reversed he knew that he’d want to know.

The expression on Isaiah’s face when he heard that he could go outside was priceless, the brief smile that appeared on his face was almost enough to make Monty smile as well, because he was happy and excited and Monty didn’t know when he’d next see that smile after he told him what had happened. “Yes, you can go outside… Soon” he promised trying to keep his voice steady even though he knew that it was probably obvious that something was upsetting him. A smile worked its way onto his face but the effort to keep it there proved to be too much and it soon disappeared again “once we’re sure that it’s safe” the last thing that he wanted was for them to open the doors too early, even if it killed him to have to talk to his boyfriend through a window of glass, it was better than watching somebody that he loved die from being exposed to radiation before he developed an immunity to it.

Knowing that he’d gotten Isaiah’s hopes up by telling him that he would soon be allowed to go outside for the first time in his life made Monty regret leading with that information. Although, he supposed that it wouldn’t make much difference to how Isaiah took the news, but now he would have to crush him after he’d received news that actually made him happy. He hated himself for giving the other man hope that everything was okay, it was anything but okay and soon he would know just how screwed up everything had gotten. Then when he finally forced himself to speak the words that he’d been leading up to, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Isaiah. He only forced himself to look at the other man again when he heard the sound of that first sob that escaped him, it made his heart ache and the sound of his cries made him wish that he could do something, anything to comfort him and make him stop hurting but he knew that was not possible. Isaiah had just been told that everybody that he knew, everybody that he loved was dead and Monty had betrayed him by enabling that to happen, Monty didn’t even know if Isaiah would want him to stay after what he’d learnt.

When Isaiah fell, Monty unthinkingly moved forwards, momentarily forgetting about the glass that separated them but he promptly remembered the inconvenient barrier. It was frustrating, seeing and hearing the man that he loved in so much pain but having to watch him suffer from behind a window. It brought tears to Monty’s own eyes, he chewed on his bottom lip in an attempt to stop himself from crying. He’d made a decision that involved hacking into the system to allow the irradiation of the mountain, he knew what would happen to the residents of mount weather if the decision was made to pull the lever and yet he still did it. The words that Isaiah spoke to him hurt, he wasn’t going to deny that ‘you’re not sorry. You wouldn’t have done it’ he said and it left Monty at a loss for what to say.

He couldn’t just apologise and expect everything to be forgiven, he knew that. He had assisted in killing everyone that Isaiah knew, his family and his friends were all gone now and it was because of him. However, the words still stung “what do you want me to say?” Monty questioned him, quickly wiping a tear from his cheek as it fell “I had to save my friends, if we’d done nothing then they’d all be dead now” he knew that he’d likely be dead as well, but that didn’t matter at that moment, he wasn’t thinking about himself when he’d made the decision that would lead to the deaths of the residents of mount weather, he was thinking about the people that he could see waiting to be slaughtered. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I never wanted to hurt you but it was the only way for us to save our friends” he didn’t expect Isaiah to understand why they had done it, even if he spent hours explaining it to him, Monty doubted that he’d understand. He just needed to explain even if it did more harm than good and even if Iah ended up hating him for it.

Isaiah Riggs

[Isaiah Riggs]

Monty Green I feel like this could be more feelsy but I'm tired and in enough pain already. XD  So many people. So many faces. It was all that Isaiah could think about. Never would Isaiah had thought he would understand what it felt like to be Atlas, to be holding the whole world in his hands, the weight crushing him. It was difficult to keep any thought on the person on the other side of the glass when there were so many people he had to mourn. He would be the only one alive to mourn his people and he knew that responsibility couldn't fall to anyone else. Why would the Space People care enough to mourn? They hadn't cared when they had killed them... Another sob racked through his body, shaking him to his bones. "Why?" he moaned, not even meaning the question to be answered. "Why me?" Isaiah was no one. He was just a farmer and barely an adult. He couldn't in any way understand how this responsibility had fallen onto his scrawny shoulders. Monty was still talking. Talking back against Isaiah's words. It wasn't what Isaiah wanted, to hear excuses in a snappy tone. "I don't want you to say anything!" he shouted back. The sting in his eyes hurt but it didn't compare the way his chest felt, heavy, weighed down. He had no idea if his lungs would even rise for his next breath. "And now all my friends are dead." His voice was now a whisper, a sound between gasping breaths. It was a new painful wave from the sound of his own voice saying those words. He shut Monty off, shut off the sounds of the metal around him. He cried and cried, for what felt like so much longer than it likely was. The sobs eventually slowed and his breathing, it calmed. Isaiah didn't know how, but he managed to get himself back together. Never had he felt pain like this. Never had he lost someone. But still, he managed it. Enough. Legs shaking, Isaiah slowly rose to his feet and turned back to face Monty. He could see the tears on Monty's face but he couldn't understand them. It wasn't Monty who had lost everyone he cared about. "I have one question I need you to answer," he said, eyes burning as they met Monty's. He needed to know the answer, maybe that was why he could stand, why he could breathe for that moment. "Why did you save me? You don't care about my people. You don't care about me, obviously, or you wouldn't have killed my family. What was the point?" The words snapped, his tone bitter and Isaiah stood as steady as he could while he waited for Monty's response. Even though he asked, he felt like he already knew what the reply would be. He already knew what his own reaction to that would be.

[Monty Green]

Monty didn’t know what to do, there was nothing that he could say to calm Isaiah down, nothing he could do to reassure him because his people were dead, his whole family was dead. Everyone he cared about, they were just gone and he hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye. Monty realised that the glass separating them might be a positive thing, he doubted that Isaiah wanted to be anywhere near him after hearing what he’d done. Nothing would excuse his actions because if he’d done nothing then Isaiah’s people would still be alive. It might have cost him his life and the lives of all of his people, but the mountain people would get to live. There had been no right choice, either way, people would have lost their lives… Monty had just chosen to save his own people instead of Iah’s.

Isaiah was talking but his questions seemed to be rhetorical. Rhetorical or not, Monty didn’t answer him. He didn’t answer him because he didn’t know what to say to him, there was nothing he could say because nothing that he said would make things right. He couldn’t bring back the dead and he couldn’t travel back in time to change what he’d done. “Isaiah-” he started but immediately faltered, he didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Iah had once been one of the easiest people for Monty to talk to, he made the words come easy but now he was one of the hardest. Then Isaiah did speak to him directly and his words stung, Monty looked down at his feet, unable to look at Iah when he was the reason that he was hurting so much and would now have to live the rest of his life without his friends and family around him. He didn’t blame Iah for not wanting him to speak, Monty wouldn’t blame him if he hated him for what he’d done because he knew that if he was in Isaiah’s position then he’d hate whoever had killed his people and taken his friends away from him.

Monty looked up as he heard Isaiah’s sobbing intensify, concern for the man prickling in his chest and he shifted uncomfortably. He’d never seen Isaiah cry like that, he didn’t think he’d ever seen him cry at all before that day, he’d been so happy in Mount Weather and it was painful to think that he might not be that happy ever again. Monty wiped at the moisture on his cheeks as he watched Isaiah get to his feet, for a moment he thought that he might fall again, but he remained on his feet. “I have one question I need you to answer” Isaiah spoke to him, meeting his eyes and Monty resisted the urge to look away as fresh tears stung his eyes. Of course he would answer any questions that the man had for him, it was the very least that he could do. Then the question came and Monty was left standing there, surprised that that was even a question that Isaiah needed to ask. “What?” he asked, his voice barely audible as it cracked with emotion. Isaiah deserved an answer, even if the answer was fairly obvious to Monty, it obviously wasn’t to Iah. “I couldn’t let you die!” Monty answered him, his voice wavering slightly as he spoke, the thought of having to watch him die was too much. 

It was painful for him to hear Isaiah speak to him like that, like he didn’t believe that the feelings Monty had for him were genuine. “I do care about you Iah” he muttered, unable to stop stray tears from leaking from his eyes, but he quickly wiped them from his face. “I didn’t want to do it, if there was any other way then I would have taken it” he didn’t want it to seem like he was trying to excuse his actions but he had to explain, he had to. “But there wasn’t and I could see my friends chained up, screaming in pain as they were strapped to a table and their bones were drilled into… That pain, it’s excruciating, I couldn’t do nothing!” he clenched his hands up into fists, not even caring when he felt his fingernails begin to bite into his palms. “But I never wanted to hurt you Iah, I just needed them to stop” there wasn’t much he could say, it probably just sounded like he was making up more meaningless excuses and that’s not what Monty wanted. “I just… I couldn’t leave you there to die, if I lost you-” he choked back a sob as more tears fell, he was unable to stop them as he thought about how he could have lost him. If he hadn’t been able to get to him… “I love you” the words almost got lodged in his throat as he spoke them, they were words that he knew he probably shouldn’t be saying, the man behind the glass probably didn’t even want to hear them but he said them anyway. If Isaiah never wanted to see him again then Monty would understand, he just had to make sure Iah knew how he felt… Even if he chose not to believe him.

Isaiah Riggs

[Isaiah Riggs]

Monty Green Goooood morning, Seren! Here's some angst for you to wake up to <3 Looking into Monty's eyes, Isaiah used all his strength not to look away. He could see the glistening of tears, he could see pain in Monty's eyes, but he didn't want to fall for the emotion and let it sway his own feelings. He was the one that deserved to feel hurt in this moment, not Monty. How could Monty think that he was being hurt by this? He had killed Isaiah's people and left him alone. The words that Monty gave in answer to Isaiah's question, well, they were about what Isaiah expected they would be. But that didn't make anything okay. How could Monty think that it was okay to save Isaiah but not his parents or his friends or anyone else that he loved and cared for. His community. It was selfish. "You couldn't let me die." It was nothing but selfish. "You couldn't let me die." Isaiah was one person, one single person. He was certain, despite the circumstances, that others of the Space People would have made connections in Mount Weather. Monty couldn't have been an anomoly there.  Yet, somehow, only he had been cursed like this. "But you could let my mum die, and my dad," Isaiah began, keeping his feet steady on the metal ground beneath him and keeping his eyes level. More than sorrow was running through his veins now. His eyes narrowed but his gaze didn't falter as he continued to speak. "You could let children die. Children!" Isaiah was shouting now, his feet moving him closer to the glass that kept him separated from the rest of the world. His hands curled into fists at his sides and he swore that the world was blurring around him, draining of colour apart from a tint of red. "If you actually cared about me you wouldn't have done this. You wouldn't have killed them all." His breath fogged up the glass in front of him, his eyes still locked onto Monty's. Isaiah's breath fell in heavy clouds, his eyes flickering away from Monty's eyes finally only as Monty continued to speak of what had happened to his people in Mount Weather. Isaiah knew, somewhere in him, that his people had done something horrible but they didn't deser--no one deserved this fate. "There had to have been another way," he said, his voice quieter, cracking, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks. His eyes stung, lids feeling heavy and sticky each time he blinked. "I'm all alone," he whispered. "You don't kill the people of the one you love, Monty."