Bryain and Brawn

[Deleted]

Bryan held a sigh on relief when Bellamy confirmed he lived alone, and watched as he went to hang his jacket. Bryan wanted to get out of his hoodie, but he still didn't know if he could make himself at home here yet, so he shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. There were still a lot of questions unasked, and answers un-offered. Bryan wasn't sure if Bellamy had genuinely missed that Bryan was asking if he'd moved on, or if he really thought Bellamy might still be living with his sister. But then Bell was talking about his old home on the Ark, and how he didn't know what to do with his space now, and Bryan wondered if Bellamy also just didn't know what to say right now either. Or how to say it.

"I was hoping two," Bryan said, still watching Bellamy. He wanted to close the distance between them and wrap his arms around him, pretend that there was nothing that needed to be discussed. But there was so much. Byran loved Bellamy, and he understood Bellamy left him to protect his sister, but there was part of him that still felt stung. "But the way you left me was pretty dramatic," he said, trying to keep his tone light, his lips curling a little, though the smile didn't reach his eyes. It had been dramatic. Maybe one day it would be a funny story. It wasn't yet. "So I wasn't so sure you wouldn't have moved on by now."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy could have sworn his heart skip a beat when Bryan said that he was hoping two. He was trying to figure out if he meant that he had moved on or that he wanted to still be with him. But Bryan's next words answered Bellamy's unspoken question. The way he had left had indeed been dramatic. Quite. He had 20 minutes to make a decision, and he had made it. He couldn't regret it, but that didn't meant that he didn't think about Bryan. That having to leave him had been one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. Bellamy remained silent for a few moments, feeling the need to tell Bryan one thing he could say with the utmost certainty.

"I never moved on. With anyone." He hoped Bryan understood what Bellamy was really saying: that he hadn't been with anyone else. That he hadn't even slept with anyone else. He still felt devoted to his boyfriend, and that wouldn't change until he got the required closure. Even then . . . Bellamy wouldn't ever be able to move on that quickly, if ever. Love was not something that came easy; falling love was not a simple thing nor a common occurrence. He couldn't and wouldn't blame Bryan if he had moved on though. He deserved to be happy, and Bellamy knew that he had hurt him.

"I was always terrified that one day, I would have to make the choice between you and my sister." It was why he hadn't allowed himself to be in a relationship prior to her discovery and arrest. Because his sister was always his priority. Bellamy looked at Bryan, not even realizing he was taking a few steps toward him. "I'm sorry. For what I put you through." Because he could only imagine just how much it was, and hated himself for it. "I know it may not be worth much, but leaving you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do." But that was just it: he had to. In one day, he'd been forced to do that, and murder a man. Or well, what he thought was murder anyway. But leaving the man he loved, for a sister that he loved . . . well, it hadn't been anywhere near easy.

[Deleted]

Bryan couldn't stop the sigh of relief when Bellamy said he'd never moved on. Not with anyone. He closed his eyes for a moment, relieved. He was going to assume that not moving on meant the same thing to Bellamy as it did to him. He hadn't just not started a new relationship, but he also hadn't slept with anyone else. Even the idea of sleeping around before knowing for sure what had happened to Bellamy made Bryan uncomfortable. When he opened his eyes again, Bellamy was moving toward him, apologizing and telling Bryan it was one of the hardest decisions he'd ever made. Bryan didn't have siblings, but if the Ark was sending his mother or father to Earth, Bryan would have a hard time not leaving Bellamy for them. With Octavia, it was worse, because Bellamy and his mother were all she ever knew before lockup. To say she'd lived a sheltered life was putting it lightly.

Bryan couldn't help himself from moving toward Bellamy, but his feet never stopped until he was standing right in front of the man he loved. He reached up and cupped his jaw in one hand. "I know you had to protect your sister," he said, feeling his eyes go glassy as he looked up at Bellamy. "That first month, though," he said. "I thought..." He couldn't finish the thought, afraid he'd start to cry, so instead he tugged Bellamy roughly into an embrace, almost clinging to him. "When Pike told us about the dropship... I knew." He squeezed his eyes shut tight. "I knew." That there was hope, at least.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bryan's understanding made Bellamy's heart ache. Because he knew that wasn't the end of it. He knew that there was more. He had actively sabotaged communications with the Ark. Otherwise . . . Bryan would have known he was alive a hell of a lot sooner. It hadn't been easy, but Bellamy knew that wasn't good enough. He didn't deserve Bryan. He didn't deserve his understanding or forgiveness. But when the younger male move towards him, wrapping his arms around him in a more emotional embrace than their first, Bellamy did the same. His arms moved around Bryan, clinging to him, holding on to him . . . once again afraid of what would happen if he let go.

His words playing over and over in his mind. He wanted to tell him that he loved him . . . unspoken words that he couldn't say yet. Not until Bryan knew the whole story. He was afraid it would make him lose Bryan . . . but at the same time, he had to be honest with him. He couldn't just let himself off easy like this. He couldn't take advantage of Bryan's kindness and understanding of the situation. Bellamy nestled his head against Bryan's neck, taking in his scent this time, with less need to restrain himself as there were no watching eyes. "I'm so sorry," he breathed. Sorry for more than perhaps Bryan knew. Bellamy could no longer help it.

He drew his head back, his hand going to Bryan's cheek as he leaned toward him until their lips met. They had a lot to talk about but right now, Bellamy needed to kiss him . . . even if it was for the last time. He breathed into the embrace, pouring his emotion into it. Into how much he missed and loved Bryan forn these past few months. Easing out of it, he kept one arm around him, the other on his cheek, and his forehead pressed against Bryan's. "Not a day went by when I didn't think about you." Something else he needed Bryan to know, before he went on to the other truths; what he had done, the acts he had committed. He wanted to remember this exact moment . . . just in case Bryan would rightfully hate him for everything else he had done.

[Deleted]

Bryan let out a shaky breath as Bellamy held him back with the same intensity that Bryan felt, pressing his face to Bellamy's neck as Bellamy did the same to him. He wanted more, needed more, more of Bellamy. He'd felt like he'd been deprived of intimacy for almost half a year--emotional and physical intimacy. "It's okay," Byran breath when Bellamy apologized, his hand moving to stroke Bellamy's hair. It was over now. They were together again. That was all that mattered. He would ask questions later. "You did what you had to."

When Bellamy pulled back and kissed him, it felt like Bryan's entire body woke up from a deep sleep, his nerves firing pleasurably in response. Bryan eagerly returned the kiss, and when Bellamy pulled away, Bryan felt the loss. "I missed you so much," he whispered in response to Bellamy's words, and then he kissed Bellamy again. His mouth was suddenly more hungry against Bellamy's, one of his hands bunching up Bellamy's shirt in his fist, while the other slid up the back of it, moving over Bellamy's skin. Everything about Bellamy felt amazing right now.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He did what he had to do. Bellamy had used that excuse so many times in the past. But there was a difference. Because taking off those bracelets, and pulling out that radio, was not done for any other reason apart from his own selfish ones. He hadn't done it with the intention to protect anyone but himself. He didn't have to do it. But he did. And he feared Bryan's reaction when he told him. But talking seemed to be put on the back burner for the time being. The way that Bryan kissed Bellamy back, his body responding . . . was met with the same mutual desire. To gone from having been with someone for as much as they had been together, to abruptly going to nothing for several months . . . well, it was a difficult adjustment.

One that Bellamy no longer wanted to deprive either of them of. He didn't deserve Bryan, he didn't deserve the incredible emotions and sensations that only Bryan could cause to stir in Bellamy . . . but it was getting increasingly difficult to deny his heart and embrace his mind. Besides, he was often one who acted more with his heart and emotions anyway. To a fault. The way that his hands fisted into his shirt, the warmth of it, caused Bellamy to deeply inhale during the kiss, heated with emotions that had been building up for months and were finally unleashed.

"I missed you to," Bellamy breathed against him. As Bryan was touching his body, Bellamy craved the same contact. Screw it. He could no longer ignore what he needed. What they needed. He deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue between Bryan's lips to taste him, explore the familiarity of his mouth, drink him in to quench the burning thirst that he had been consumed with for months. The only thing that would break the contact of their lips, was when Bellamy started to shed Bryan's layers. Pulling off each layer of the clothing he wore on his upper body and tossing it to the ground.

[Deleted]

Bryan had had nine months on the Ark with Bellamy, during which time he'd discovered (and greatly enjoyed) Bellamy's seemingly insatiable sexual appetite, so the last five months had been an adjustment. But now that they were together again and alone, and now that Bryan knew Bellamy still wanted him, and hadn't strayed, Bryan wanted nothing more that the comfort of Bellamy's body, his strong arms around him.

Their kisses didn't break until Bellamy started to pull Bryan's clothes off, tossing his hoodie and t-shirt to the side. Bryan was mildly aware of the part of his brain that told him he should be self-conscious, but he ignored it. His body had changed so much since he hit ground, and he just had to hope Bellamy liked the change. Once he was stripped from the waist up, he tugged Bellamy's upper layers off too, taking a moment to admire Bellamy's body, his hand sliding over his abs and chest before he leaned in for another kiss.

His arm wrapped around Bellamy's waist and he started pulling him toward the bed, walking backwards. "Bell," he panted between kisses. "I love you," he said, barely above a whisper, unable to hide the emotion in his voice, emotion he hoped to pour into their physical activities in a moment.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

As Bellamy pulled off the layers of Bryan's clothing, he was taking notice of the change in his body. Once his upper body was fully revealed, Bellamy's hands ran over him, starting from his shoulders, down his upper arms, feeling more than seeing the developed muscles there. Something unfamiliar compared to the Ark. And a clear sign of the labor and required build in physicality that the ground required of them. Bellamy wasn't complaining though. It had not been Bryan's body that initially attracted him, but his heart. His soul. His mind. Everything about him Bellamy found to be utterly incredible and desirable.

Of course, that didn't mean he couldn't appreciate and praise his body now. Just as he did all other things about the man before him. When his own shirt was off, Bellamy breathed heavily at the feeling of Bryan's hands roaming over him. A touch that he had wanted for so long. His lips went to Bryan's neck, kissing down along it to his shoulders and upper arm muscles that he had just recently been touching. With the height different, he had to tilt his head a little more down but damn, was it worth it. Bellamy's hands were already working on unfastening Bryan's pants so that he could touch him, as Bryan led them back to the bed.

Once they were close enough, Bellamy just wanted to push him onto it and finish undoing his clothing, before undoing him. But Bryan's next spoken words caused him to pause. To freeze. All motions ceased for a moment. "I love you." Hearing him say it warmed Bellamy's heart, made it swell with emotion . . . amidst that, was the heavy burden of guilt. The realization of how he had consciously hurt him. And thus, the fact that he couldn't do this. Not yet. Not until Bryan knew. Bellamy pressed his forehead against the side of Bryan's head, his hands falling from where he had opened his partner's pants. He knew now more than ever how utterly undeserving he was of Bryan's love. And how much he screwed up. Something that he would have to own up to.

"I destroyed any communications with the Ark when we came to the ground." The words came out in a low voice, but audible. Blurted, as Bellamy had not overly thought how to broach the subject. He drew his head back, looking intently into Bryan's eyes, raising his hand to brush back the younger male's hair from his forehead, just needing some sort of contact. Selfishly indulging. "I love you," because he needed Bryan to know that. He needed him to know that he was sincere in his words. That he loved him emphatically. He leaned forward, his lips barley touching Bryan's, his forehead resting against his. "I'm sorry," he breathed, lightly kissing him, this time, the apology holding a whole other weight.

[Deleted]

Bryan's let out a sigh of pleasure as Bellamy's lips worked over his neck and shoulder, down to his arm. This almost felt too good to be true, his hands moving to Bellamy's pants as Bellamy unfastened his. But then Bellamy froze at Bryan's words, and Bryan felt like he'd been doused in cold water, his heart thudding against his chest and not out of desire. Bellamy's words caused Bryan to still too.

Bryan just stared at Bellamy as he pulled back, brushing his hair away from his forehead, trying to process this new information that was so suddenly given while they'd been working their way to bed. He barely registered the 'I love you' or the apology, letting Bellamy kiss him without kissing back.

He'd destroyed communications with the Ark? Bryan hadn't known anything was wrong on the Ark, aside from his missing boyfriend, but he knew now that they'd been running out of oxygen. Had Bellamy known? Had Bellamy known and then decided Bryan should die? Bryan took a step back, frowning as he looked at Bellamy, confusion and hurt plain on his face. "Why? Why would you do that?" he asked.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy could feel the shift in Bryan with his revelation, before seeing it on his face as he drew his head back. He hated being the reason that he had hurt Bryan. He loved him, so much. And the fact that he was causing him to feel what he saw evident on his features . . . made his heart ache. He asked him why, why he would do that. And, it was a perfectly legitimate question. One that Bellamy was ashamed of, for it was due to completely selfish reasons. Bellamy paused, the distance between them now so painful to bare, both the emotional and physical distance.

He had hurt him, but he had to explain himself . . . even if his words would just hurt him more. Something Bellamy forever hated himself for doing. "I thought I killed the Chancellor," Bellamy began to explain. He had shot Jaha, and thought he was dead . . . until Raven told him otherwise. "I knew the Ark wouldn't pardon my crime. They'd kill me for it." Execute him no doubt.

"So I . . . " He paused, his expression holding the pain of making such admittances to him. "Wanted them to think it wasn't safe to follow. At least to buy myself some time." Though that was hardly any justification. He couldn't justify his actions. They had been selfish, with only himself in mind. One of the few times he had acted in his own interests and look and what had happened. He'd been responsible for the death of over 300 people.

[Deleted]

Bryan actually felt the shock run through him when Bellamy said he'd thought he'd killed the Chancellor, his mouth falling open slightly as he stared at Bellamy, his shock mixing in with the other emotions on his face. He let Bellamy finish, but it wasn't really computing. Eventually the confusion won, and he shook his head, looking away, as if he could shake this new information into order. "You thought you--?" Bryan drew a deep breath. "You thought you killed the Chancellor?"

Bryan pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment, then looked back at Bellamy. "Bell, what the hell happened?" he asked, his tone almost demanding, because clearly there was a lot more to this story. Bryan had always wondered how Bellamy could have gotten onto the dropship at all, even as he held on to hope, and now... it had something to do with killing Jaha?!

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He didn't know. Bryan hadn't found out about Bellamy's attempt at assassinating the once Chancellor and now . . . the words had come out without an explanation. With so much ease, as that had not been the part he was focused on. Something Bellamy instantly regretted. There would have certainly been a better way, a more delicate way to phrase that. He looked at Bryan, noticing the way averted his gaze, as if trying to process this new piece of information.

It was just the beginning, and Bellamy knew that. For there was still the culling, and the genocide at Mount Weather. Maybe Bryan would look at him like the monster that he truly was; Bellamy didn't deserve anything different. "Shumway approached me with a deal," he began to say, forcing the words out, trying to hide the shame. Though . . . he knew, he didn't regret it. How could he? If it came down to his sister or someone else, he would always pick his sister. Clearly. He had picked her over the man he loved. But that make it hurt less.

"He told me about the dropship filled with 100 of the juvenile delinquents being sent to Earth. And that there was a spot for me on it . . . if I shot Chancellor Jaha." Bellamy had tried to justify it, blaming Jaha for his mother's death, for so many people's deaths. Trying to convince himself that Jaha deserved to die for what he'd done. But that justification, that attempt to make it about justice . . . was not fulfilling. He knew he had done something that he could never go back on. That there was a big difference between justice and revenge. And the latter had been the reason Bellamy had initially pointed that gun at Shumway. "And I did it," he finished, slightly tilting his chin up, as he looked directly at Bryan, not even certain what expression was behind his gaze.

[Deleted]

Bryan... wasn't sure what to think. It was hard to imagine Bellamy killing someone, or attempting to, on the Ark. Bellamy, who he loved, who previously he might not have thought capable of murder. But in this world, they were all capable of murder. Or they died.

But this was on the Ark. This was different. Or was it? Bryan had already guessed Bellamy came down to protect his sister. Bryan would kill to protect the people he loved now. Why was what Bellamy did worse just because it had happened in space? Jaha was putting one hundred kids in danger, one of them being Octavia, and if Bellamy only had one option... Bryan clenched his jaw, watching Bellamy. "Okay," he said, barely nodding. He didn't have to condone it, but he couldn't condemn it either. Not now. "One question answered."

He hesitated, then moved back to Bellamy, this time gripping his shoulders, though he kept Bellamy at arms length. "Did you know?" he asked, his tone very serious, his frown verging on anger, but not quite. His gaze didn't waver from Bellamy's. "Did you know we were dying when you tried to make sure we couldn't come down?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @bryanbryanbryan

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy tried to read Bryan's tone when he spoke, when he stated that one question was answered. It was more his body language that gave Bellamy hope . . . and yet at the same time, once again firmly etched in his mind was the fact that this wasn't all there was to it. When he put his hands on his shoulders, Bellamy instinctively moved a little closer as well, looking into his eyes when he asked his next question, initially with a non verbal response as he slowly shook his head. "No," he answered truthfully. There had been one statement that caught Bellamy's attention when she was explaining about the wristband.

Do you want the people you love to think you're dead? That had been Bellamy's only hesitation with convincing the others to remove their wristbands. But clearly, it hadn't been enough to stop him. "I didn't know the Ark was dying." Why Clarke had kept that from most everyone, he didn't know. "I didn't know it then. I didn't know it when I pulled out the radio from the pod sent down." He wasn't justifying himself. He knew that his actions were selfish, done only with the intention of protecting himself.

"I . . . didn't know the culling was going to happen." Now revealing the incident that directly resulted from him further cutting off communications with the Ark. His heart beating rapidly in his chest as he watched Bryan, waiting for his reaction to this. Whether he would once again step back, or whether he would keep this contact that Bellamy was selfishly indulging it; needing it, after being so deprived of it for as long as he had. Which again, he had only himself to blame. For leaving Bryan, and for prolonging the Ark's arrival to Earth.

[Deleted]

Bryan held Bellamy's gaze, feeling the tension in his body leave him as Bellamy shook his head. When Bellamy verbally confirmed it with a 'no', Bryan closed his eyes and let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He felt himself lean forward a bit, putting some of his weight on Bellamy as he listened, his eyes still closed.

He hadn't known. He hadn't sabotaged communications knowing it could kill Bryan. He'd thought Bryan would be okay in space, just... not with him. It still stung a little, though Bryan understood. When Bellamy finished, Bryan gave in and wrapped his arms around Bellamy again. "You didn't know," he repeated, almost as a reassurance to Bellamy, as he clearly felt guilt over the culling. It was Bryan's understanding, however, that that had been a necessary evil. "How could you protect your sister if the Ark came down and killed you?" He kissed the side of Bellamy's neck.

Tag: Bellamy Blake