Painful regret

[Clarke Griffin]

Monty Green

After Mount Weather Clarke had kept to herself. She needed the time to deal, to grief and to react the way she reacted. There were cuts on her hands as she had thrown things around, punched things. Her hair was clearly disheveled, but freshly washed. Other than baths, which soothed her aching soul for blissful mere minutes, she was incapable of currently taking care of herself. And yet she craved contact. She didn't know if she could. She didn't know if she was ready.

So when Clarke walked out to the hangar, she was happy it was mostly empty. Empty safe for a person she knew. She didn't know if he was okay. And she had been too broken to look out for him. Clarke walked over to where Monty was. Without a word the blonde crossed her legs and let herself drop to the floor. She pulled her knees up then, making herself comfortable, looking up to Monty. She didn't say anything. For a while Clarke was silent, glad to be close to a person again, to hear him breathe. Then she finally found words, awkward words. "Are you okay?"

[Monty Green]

After Mount Weather, Monty hadn’t known what to do. He was trying to wrap his head around everything that had happened. Being locked in a cage and drilled into for his bone marrow wasn’t even the worst part, the worst part had been walking into that room and seeing the bodies of those that he’d helped kill. Innocent people, among them were children, children that had done nothing to deserve what had happened to them. When he’d found Jasper, he’d been cradling Maya’s body and the way he’d looked at him, Jasper had never looked at him like that before, it was a look that contained so much pain, anger and betrayal. This time Monty couldn’t fix what he’d done, the word ‘sorry’ wasn’t enough, it was only a word, it couldn’t reverse what had been done. Jasper hadn’t spoken to him since and Monty believed that he’d finally lost his friend, possibly forever.

He knew that Clarke and Bellamy hadn’t made the decision to pull the lever lightly. It had been the only option, to save their people. Their people were the priority, that’s how it was, it’s how it had always been. Monty was the one who’d made it possible, he was sorry that so many people had to die, it weighed heavy on him but at the same time he didn’t regret saving his friends. They could have lost so many more of their own people if they hadn’t made the decision that they had. Monty didn’t even notice when Clarke entered the hangar, too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice much of anything. “Are you okay?” he flinched when he heard her voice, it dragged him from his thoughts and he turned to see her sitting cross legged on the floor behind him. He hadn’t seen her in what felt like forever, since Mount Weather she’d been keeping to herself and her question caught him off guard. “I’m fine…” he responded hesitantly, it was good to see her again but she looked so different from the last time he’d seen her. “Are you okay?” repeating her question, he took a couple of steps closer to her before lowering himself to sit opposite her, crossing his own legs to mirror her.

Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

She was surprised, honestly surprised at his actions rather than his words. Clarke found it was rather easy to claim to be okay, when in reality that was not the curse. Words sometimes meant nothing but a reassurance for others. Maybe Montys were true, maybe they were said to reassure her in some way. Maybe he viewed her like an easily spooked animal and he didn’t want her to be spooked. Right now though it was actually kind of true. She hoped it was just the truth, though. Clarke watched as he sat there, close to her like not many dared at the moment, maybe because she was likely to run then. She didn’t deal well with company at the moment. Monty was a different story. She tolerated him close. 

“Depends on what you see as okay.” She pointed out. If she had to be happy and so on for it, then she was not okay. But she was okay in another definition. “It gets better.” She said. “Dealing with everything. Being around people. The nightmares. I’m not… perfect. I’m not… feeling well, but I’m getting better and I guess that counts as being okay, because I’m not as bad as I was yesterday?” She would say wounds healed, but it wasn’t wounds, really. “I still don’t know how to face the others.”

Monty Green

[Monty Green]

Monty listened as Clarke spoke and he felt for his friend because he knew roughly what she meant and he understood on some level how she was feeling. Not completely because they all dealt with what had happened differently, for Monty it mostly involved trying to block out his feelings so that he didn't have to feel anything, guilt or grief or anything else that might take away his ability to function properly. Sometimes a crack appeared in his armour and he had to take the time out to fix it because falling apart wasn't what he did, that wasn't him, everyone else got to fall apart around him but not him. When she said that it gets better, Monty was inclined to agree, he knew that everything faded with time, including pain.

"You'll be okay" he told her, offering a small smile along with his words, he was happy to hear that she was getting better, feeling better, even if progress was slow. She was doing better than she had been yesterday and that was something. Monty could see it in the way that she was now sitting opposite him, if she was still as bad as she had been after they'd left Mt Weather then she wouldn't be sitting there with him now. "Don't worry about the others" he muttered, he knew that a few of them might have trouble understanding her need to hide away instead of coming together to support each other, but they didn't need to understand, they just needed to accept that it had happened and it was Clarke's way of dealing with what had happened. "I missed you, I'm sure they have too" most of them would be glad to see that Clarke was healing, Monty didn't see how they couldn't be. "You don't have to face them yet if you don't want to, if you're not ready then you can take more time" it was ultimately her decision, she needed to decide when she was ready to see everyone else, nobody could force her to do that before she was ready.

Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

"I missed you, too." The blonde whispered. Part of her courage to come out came from knowing Monty long enough to know he was safe. He was a sweet boy, someone who considered the feelings of others. For the first contact with someone outside of her immediate family, he was the best choice. Or maybe second best. But since she picked him, she was not sure if it didn't make him the best choice after all. But he was not the wrong choice, that much was clear. He was trying to comfort her, despite how Clarke knew the same thing bothered him as well. He enabled it, while Clarke and Bellamy pulled the lever, she knew a sensible man like Monty felt guilt, too. 

"I wish things would have gone differently. Like they would have sent guards down with us." People who could protect them from the beginning. "And proper equipment." Only suspicion could tell them what could have happened, but Clarke thought with this different preset things could have turned out different. They could have communicated with the mountain, they could have protected themselves, maybe even made peace. "How is Jasper? And ...Miller and the others?"

Monty Green

[Monty Green]

"Of course you did, I'm awesome" Monty replied to her saying that she'd missed him, he was trying to crack a joke in a weak attempt at lightning the mood and cheering her up. After everything that had happened in Mount Weather and isolating herself from everyone in Arkadia, Monty figured that she needed somebody to be there for her and try to cheer her up, if that was even possible. Monty at least had some idea about what she was going through and how she felt, killing all of those people in Mount Weather wasn't something that could just be forgotten. They'd wiped out a whole community, it had been to save their people but that didn't make it right and it didn't mean that they could just move on without any feelings of guilt or regret because most of the people in the mountain had been innocent and it was impossible for them to deny that. "I'm glad that you're back" he hoped that she was back, he hoped that she wasn't going to run back into isolation as soon as he left her side, because he needed her, her friends needed her and he believed that she needed them too.

"Yeah..." Monty muttered after listening to what Clarke had to say, if they'd had guards with them when they'd initially been sent down to earth then things might have worked out much differently. It was possible that more of them would be alive and if they'd had the means to communicate with Mount Weather then they might not have ever had to go through the hell that they had. They wouldn't have had to kill all of those people and they wouldn't have had to watch their friends being dragged from their room one at a time to be murdered for their bone marrow. When she asked about the others, Monty forced a smile "the others are fine, much better now that they're back here, nobody is completely over what happened but they're getting there" he told her, trying to update her on the others in a way that wouldn't make her worry "Jasper still needs time to heal but he'll be okay" that was a lie, Jasper hadn't spoken to him since Mount Weather... At least, he hadn't said anything worth thinking about and Monty had no idea if Jasper would be okay or if he'd ever be able to forgive him for making the call to enable Bellamy and Clarke to irradiate Mount Weather, but so far it didn't look like he was willing to forgive.

Clarke Griffin 

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke actually managed a soft smile at his little joke. It was sweet, how he tried to crack a joke. It was valuable, the ability to make people smile even in moments like that. Monty truly was precious. It would have been one of the worst losses, had Mount Weather taken his life. Clarke reached out. Her touch on his arm was light, barely there at all. But it was a sign. It was also a sign, that she was back now. That he could rely on her if he found the confidence to do so. She’d not leave again. And if she did, willingly, not without giving him a chance to join her. But she knew, by heart, that willingly was not an option for her anymore. She wouldn’t come willingly.

“It takes time. For those wounds to heal. The others… they display symptoms of post traumatic stress.” She didn’t say post traumatic stress disorder, because she didn’t know if any had that. She wasn’t good at diagnosing that. She hadn’t learned enough to be able to. But she had learned enough to recognize symptoms of post traumatic stress at least. Many of them had it. She had it herself. Jasper had it for sure. She couldn’t blame any of them. Her eyes fell on her arm, the scar there. She smiled almost at the memory. Nobody believed her, but ultimately she made the right call.

“Can you believe it? I had to cut my arm open, like some crazy chick.” She didn’t want to go back to that. “And I missed out on the chocolate cake. We need to figure out how to make that, here!”

Monty Green

[Monty Green]

When he saw the smile on Clarke’s face in response to his joke, he smiled back at her, glad that he’d at least managed to make her smile and it made him wonder how long it’d been since the last time she’d genuinely smiled at something. Then he watched her reach out to him and felt her light touch on his arm and he let out a breath. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed talking to her and how much he’d missed just seeing her around and having the option to go to her for advice or when he just needed some reassurance that things were going to be alright. “Would it be alright… If I gave you a hug?” he asked her hesitantly, he didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or overstep, it had been a while.

“Yeah… Takes time” he muttered, they needed time to recover and heal. Monty just wished that it didn’t take such a long time, maybe his thoughts were selfish but he’d learnt first hand that things could get quite lonely without his best friend by his side. Maybe things would be better now that Clarke was back, even if she still needed time to heal too. “Yeah… Sorry we didn’t believe you about… Y’know” he apologised, smiling sheepishly as he looked down at his lap. His smile broadened though at the mention of chocolate cake and he looked up to her once again “do you think we could?!” he asked her eagerly “the chocolate cake was amazing! I can’t believe you didn’t even try it!” the chocolate cake had been one of his favourite things about Mount Weather and was now one of the only things he missed about it.

Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

A hug. It was a question she hadn't expected or thought of. Why would he want to hug her? It was beyond her at the moment. The other thing was, she didn't know if she could accept a hug. So much was going on in her. And the thing was: Clarke knew by now that some physical contact could easily be her undoing. Did she want that? Could she deal with that? She didn't know. And so she replied to other things first as her mind went over the issue of a hug. Clarke knew she not only displayed symptoms of ptsd, she at least experienced some post-traumatic stress, she just didn't know how serious it would be and how she would deal with some things. The last time she was hugged was her mother. Before that Jasper and Monty and... well that felt like a lifetime ago. The thought alone made her eyes sting with tears that threatened to fall. She appreciated Monty so much right now. Their last hug was without question, it was them rushing to her and hugging her, together. And now he wanted to know if she was okay with it. It showed how much he cared about people. She should have asked too. But Clakre was way too trapped in her own mind and misery.

"You wanted it to be true. I can't blame you for that." A part of her wanted that, too. But she couldn't trust herself with this. SHe had to trust her gut feeling and that was the end of it. She still couldn't blame them for wanting to believe. Safety was tempting. She wanted it, too. And yet it felt out of reach.
"I am pretty sure there are some ways to make one on the arks hard drives. We stored what we could. And the mountain had cocoa. We might just be able to recreate it." And maybe that was a kind of hope they all needed and wanted. Hope was something they desperately needed. And if it was what they needed, well she had to make a start. "I think a hug would be okay."


Monty Green