Use Me, Don't Abuse Me

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy wasn't in a deep sleep. He wasn't even sure if he was sleeping at all. Some nights were filled with haunting dreams . . . nightmares. Others were just pure restlessness. He found that it was always easier to sleep with someone next to him. Other times, it didn't matter. Tonight he was just barley drifting in and out, but his eyes were closed. Breathing steady. The sudden movement of his arm and shift in the bed indicated that Jasper was awake. Judging from the abrupt motion, he had been jolted from sleep. Bellamy took a few additional moments to slowly open his eyes, looking at the younger male's face.

It was panicked. Troubled. Bellamy knew that he wasn't the only one who suffered from nightmares. "You ok?" He asked, finally make his state of being awake known to Jasper. Bellamy then slowly moved so that he too was sitting up, his back against the wall. He knew the answer to the question. His own responses were often dismissive with a 'fine' . . . or others offered the blunt truth of 'no'. He was fully aware that Jasper was not remotely ok. But it was a way to ease into the conversation, not wanting to trigger him or further upset him. Though, Bellamy was prepared for the possibility of his question doing just that.

[Deleted]

Jasper drew a shuddering breath, wishing the trembling would stop. "M'great. Never better," he said. He needed to leave. He wasn't going too break down in front of Bellamy, and he knew he couldn't go back to sleep now. He was too sober for that. Far too sober.

He pushed himself forward, nearly tripping on the covers as she got out of bed and looked around for his strewn clothes. When he found his pants, he went over to them and pulled on his boxers, not looking at Bellamy. "Hey, next time remind me to ask you how that magic trick works. The one where you say come and someone just comes," he said, his tone falsely light even as his voice shook. Humor--that was always an out. At least temporarily. He didn't want to talk about the nightmares, or the way everything hurt when he wasn't at least a little tipsy.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy sat up a little more as Jasper moved off the bed. He knew he couldn't make the younger male stay, but he hated to see him like this. Wishing he could do more for him. More than just offering his own body for momentary release. He watched him dress, trying to find the right words to say in this moment. Jasper was done and ready to move on . . . most likely with the company of another bottle. "Comes with experience I guess." A bit of a pun, intentional or not, he continued the chosen topic that Jasper fixed on, rather than quickly go deeper into his well being.

His sarcastic retort was response enough. He also couldn't help but wonder whether Jasper as true in his statement of 'next time'. Did he plan on doing this again? "Did this help at all?" He asked him, a similar question he had posed to Raven after they'd had sex for her to channel her emotions somewhere. She had flat out said no before leaving . . . Bellamy was preparing himself for a similar response. But he still felt the need to ask, another attempt to try to understand what was going on in Jasper's mind rather than make demands of him or tell him what he should do.

[Deleted]

Jasper huffed a breath that wasn't really a laugh at Bellamy's answer, just because he thought he might have found it funny before. The old Jasper would have laughed. The Jasper that died with Maya. Jasper dragged on more of his clothes as Bellamy asked him if what they'd done helped him. he pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, frowning with his eyes closed and tried to think.

There were so many ways to answer that, he thought. It had helped in the moment. But in the long run, would a make a difference? Jasper didn't know. He didn't even know what to expect from his own brain anymore; it felt scattered. "Yeah," Jasper said, opting to go with that it had helped in the moment, though he didn't bother explaining the rest. It hadn't been a waste of time, even if he would be right back where he was before soon enough, and Bellamy deserved to know that.

He looked around the room, making sure he had all his things, tucking the bottle on the floor into his back pocket. "I shouldn't have stayed," he said, feeling his emotions start to take over again now that he wasn't trying to make light of things. "Thanks," he said, voice cracking, at he went to the door. "See you on the other side."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @jasper420

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Jasper said that it helped but he also knew that it was not going to last. It may have helped short term, for just the moment . . . but not in the long run. Still, he didn't think Jasper was blatantly lying and at least Bellamy could take the remotest comfort in knowing that at least this somewhat helped. He just remained silent when when Jasper spoke of how he shouldn't have stayed. Bellamy knew better than to say he was glad he did, because this wasn't about him. It was about Jasper.

"Take care of yourself," he told him in parting, unsure when they would have another conversation where he was mostly sober. He gave a bit of a nod at his words, watching Jasper walk out the door as Bellamy leaned back once more. Sleep was going to elude him tonight despite the exhaustion. And he was fairly certain that he was not the only one who was in such a state.