The Unexpected Janitor

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

Bellamy knew that Jackson was right about not being alone. That company, could help. But just because Bellamy acknowledged the ease it could bring, didn't mean he felt himself worthy of embracing it. It only left him conflicted, uncertain. He ceased his movements, his eyes off to the side though Jackson was standing right in front of him. It was getting increasingly difficult to just brush him aside and push him away. Perhaps it was due to their shared past. Perhaps it was because Bellamy really didn't want to be alone. But he had brought it on himself.

"My sister is alone," Bellamy said, the strong weight of guilt in his words. "What gives me the right to be with anyone, when she's not?" It was a somewhat rhetorical question, is eyes raised to meet Jackson's, though he knew there was a slight moistness to them, unfallen tears. A glint of the pain that was all consuming. But it was something that he struggled with. Before she was arrested, he often felt guilty for being with anyone, for allowing himself any sort of pleasure when she had not even stepped outside their apartment. Now, more than ever, he was undeserving of that. He should be the one punished for everything and instead, he was taking advantage of what life still offered.

[Deleted]

The tears in Bellamy's eyes threatened to make Jackson emotional too. Bellamy was in so much pain, and Jackson couldn't tell him that there was hope for his sister. He couldn't tell him that while there was hope for his sister, there was no hope for him, and that Jackson wanted Bellamy to have some comfort in his final days.

Jackson's chest was aching. He stepped a little closer and gripped Bellamy's shoulders. "Because you're human. Humans need each other. You shouldn't punish yourself because of what the Council did."

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

Bellamy should pull away from the contact of Jackson's hand on his shoulder, but he didn't. Instead, he remained frozen in place, unable to move, or think, or anything . . . except feel. The floodgate of emotion threatening to open and yet, he couldn't let it. He had to keep it inside, he couldn't break. Not in front of Jackson, not in front of anyone. Bellamy sniffed, fighting back the tears as he avoided Jackson's gaze, looking off to the side for a moment, as he worked to compose his emotions.

"Then who should I punish?" He asked rhetorically. It wasn't Octavia's fault, it was his. And it wasn't like Bellamy could just march up to the council and blame them for what they did. Or the Chancellor. They were to blame, sure. But primarily, it was Bellamy. Octavia was his sister; his responsibility and he had failed her. "Did you, after your mother died?" Bellamy wondered, now chancing a glance at Jackson. Did Jackson seek out comfort? Or did he allow himself to wallow in his pain in solitude?

[Deleted]

Jackson had to resist the urge not to brush his fingertips over Bellamy's cheek as Bellamy clearly fought his emotions. He was afraid if he did anything to provoke Bellamy to actually cry, Bellamy might shut down completely and pull away. Instead, Jackson just tightened his grip on Bellamy's shoulders.

Jackson sucked in a slow breath at Bellamy's first question, but there wasn't really an answer for it. When Bellamy asked his next question, Jackson frowned in thought. "Did I what? Punish myself? Seek comfort from other people?" he asked softly. He thought about it for a moment, his lips pressing together. "I'm not sure how to answer that. Child welfare put me in a supervised unit with other orphans, so for the first five years after my mom died, I couldn't have isolated myself if I wanted to. But... I've never really dated anyone. I always just found people to meet my needs with, and moved on," he said, with a sad smile, since, well, that was how he and Bellamy had started their relationship. If you could call it a relationship. "There are only a couple people I feel close to. So... I don't know. Maybe I did punish myself. Out of fear of losing someone else."

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

Bellamy listened intently to Jackson speak about his childhood after losing his mother. Ironic, that they both felt unable to date someone, though for different reasons. Though now Bellamy felt the similarity of them. Out of the fear of failing someone else, or losing them . . . he couldn't ever allow himself to be with someone. Emotionally. Physically, it was far easier. And especially after how he had destroyed his family . . . he would never curse another person to be with him. He remained silent, taking in Jackson's words, staring at the untouched bucket though his mind was not even remotely focused on work at the moment.

"Well you shouldn't," he finally said, making eye contact with Jackson. He shouldn't keep punishing himself. "If its not your fault, you shouldn't punish yourself." There was a difference, and Bellamy supposed everyone could somehow blame themselves for the loss of a loved one. It was part of the grieving process . . . part of mourning. "But I'm not one to talk. Or give advice." He was a janitor; a no body. A murderer. He may as well pushed that damn button to float his mother himself. "People die here all the time. You just . . . never think it'll actually happen to someone you love. Until it does." With that, he reached for his mop.

[Deleted]

Jackson considered Bellamy's words for a moment. He hadn't ever intended to punish himself and hold people away. It was something he'd done without realizing for a long time. In fact, the night he'd spent with Bellamy might have been the night he'd realized. It was the first time he actually connected with one of his hookups in a way that made him want more, and it had scared him a little.

When Bellamy pulled away to go back to his work, Jackson took a step back. "Yeah, I know," he said. He watched Bellamy another moment, then said, "I don't want to keep you from your work, and I should really eat while I have some time, but I'd really like to spend time with you tonight, if you'll let me."

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

Bellamy nearly paused when Jackson spoke, wanting to spend time with him. Bellamy fought the instinctive reaction to ask why. Why did he want to spend time with him when he wasn't worth the effort. And yet, perhaps it was the way it was phrased. Or the feeling of being wanted . . . but it was easier to accept it when the other person spoke of what they needed or wanted, rather than vocalizing that they were doing it for him.

Bellamy of course wanted it too; for it was a mutual desire. But, Jackson's words made it rather difficult to reject them entirely. It was wrong of Bellamy to want to take advantage of that offered comfort . . . but his mind was hardly thinking of anything rationally these days. Consumed with grief instead of logic. Holding the mop in his hand he glanced at Jackson. "What time?" And with two simple words, one simple question . . . he was accepting. He was allowing himself to not be alone, even if just for a night and damn, was it selfish. Inconsiderate. Damn greedy of him. But he did it anyway. Because, he was human.

[Deleted]

Jackson smiled faintly when Bellamy accepted his invitation, feeling relieved. "I should be back home no later than eleven-thirty," he said, and when Bellamy nodded, Jackson nodded too. "I'll see you," he added, then left to go to the mess hall.

He'd lost a little time for his break talking to Bellamy, so he ate quickly, then headed back to Go-Sci. He spent the next couple of hours working with Sinclair on the wristbands for the Ninety-nine, where he barely had time to think abut Bellamy or his sister. He was tempted at one point to look at the kids' files, though, and figure out which was Bellamy's sister. He decided against it. If he accidentally said something about Bellamy's sister that Bellamy hadn't told him, Bellamy would have too many questions.

By the time he got back to his rooms, he was tired. He stripped out of his clothes and pulled on a pair of pants with a soft, elastic waist that he usually slept in, not bothering with a shirt. Bellamy had already seen everything anyway.

He laid back in bed and stared at the ceiling, trying not to fall asleep while he waited for Bellamy, hoping Bellamy hadn't changed his mind.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

Bellamy returned to work once Jackson left the room, quickly finishing up the area. He had a few more rooms to clean before he was done his shift, and did so swiftly. His mind deep in thought about, well, everything. By the time he was done his shift and returned the supplies to its appropriate storage area, Bellamy returned to his apartment. He always had to brace himself upon entering, the coldness of it hitting him like a ton of bricks each and every time. He couldn't even bring himself to sleep on either bed. His mother and sister had slept on them and he on the floor. Even now, he often found a place right next to the hole in the floor that they had to hide Octavia.

But tonight, he supposed he wasn't going to lie down on the cold floor. Yet his mind contemplated over it. Part of him wondered if he should just forget it. Leave it. Just, not show up to Jackson's place. Would it matter? Bellamy changed out of his uniform, hanging it on the door as he went to the washroom to freshen up, splashing some water over his face and just staring at his reflection for a moment. Disgust and hatred looking back at him. He wasn't sure what had prompted his next actions. For the next thing he realized, he was standing outside Jackson's door.

His hand raised to knock, yet he didn't. He just paused midway. This was a mistake. He should just go. But then, he had come all this way. Indecision struck him and just as subconsciously as he had come, he knocked on the door, waiting for it to be opened. Once it was, he looked at Jackson, taking notice of the unclad state of his upper body . . . though made no sign of acknowledgement of it. "Hey." Was all he could bring himself to say at this moment. He couldn't explain why he was here, and knew that if he bothered trying . . . he would just end up leaving.

[Deleted]

Jackson had been starting to doze when Bellamy knocked on his door, but he just scrubbed a hand over his face as he walked to the door and answered. "Hey," he replied, smiling faintly as he let Bellamy in and closed he door behind him. Bellamy looked a little... lost? Jackson wasn't sure that was the right word for it, but Bellamy didn't look entirely sure he wanted to be here.

Jackson watched him for a moment, then stepped closer to brush his fingertips over Bellamy's cheek. "I'm glad you came." He wanted to pull Bellamy into his arms, but he decided to test the waters first. He hoped Bellamy didn't think he'd been invited over for sex. Jackson wouldn't turn it down, necessarily, but he knew he couldn't fix anything with sex. Not that comfort fixed much, but it helped.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

Bellamy just stood there, feeling the massive difference between now and the last time he was here. Everything felt . . . simpler then. Oddly enough. Now, he didn't know what was left of him. He didn't know what was left of his heart or soul when he had no family. Jackson approached him, his fingers moving to Bellamy's cheeks. The touch provided him with an instant comfort; one he should be depriving himself of. But he didn't. He wasn't. He was allowing it. He was here after all. And it felt so damn good, that he didn't want it to stop. He didn't want his mind to keep playing over the reasons he didn't deserve it.

And the fact that Jackson expressed that he was glad he came . . . Bellamy just wanted it to stop. The thinking. The over thinking. The rationality. He moved forward, his hand going to Jackson's cheek as his lips pressed against the doctor's. The kiss was intense, as if pouring his emotions into the embrace, only which emotions those were, he had no idea. He just . . . didn't want to be alone. That much he knew. Easing out of it, Bellamy rested his forehead against Jackson's, his hand still on his cheek, his eyes remained closed. Breathing against him, he spoke. "I don't wanna talk about it." Maybe Bellamy didn't want to talk at all. He just, didn't know anything anymore.

[Deleted]

Jackson wasn't really surprised by the kiss, but the intensity of it did surprise Jackson. He couldn't stop the tiny, wanting noise he made into it, and when Bellamy pulled away, resting their foreheads together, Jackson felt slightly breathless. He slid his arms around Bellamy, pulling him closer and splaying his hands across Bellamy's back, covering as much of it as he could.

"Don't have to talk," Jackson whispered, his own eyes closed as they remained standing with their foreheads touching. he wanted to kiss Bellamy again, but there was a small part of him that needed Bellamy to know he wasn't just taking advantage of Bellamy's unhappiness for sex. "I... I didn't have an agenda when I invited you, Bellamy. We can do whatever you want."

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

Bellamy took in Jackson's words, while enjoying the feeling of his arms around him. He didn't have an agenda. The man was sincere, and Bellamy hadn't considered that he did. He did however appreciated his vocalization of it, as if assuring Bellamy of that was important. As if Bellamy deserved that. He wondered though . . . was he using Jackson? Was he taking advantage of a friend? Could it just add to his own self loathing and disgust at himself for doing that? Rationality once again threatened to surface, and he knew that if he let it . . . he would walk out that door. Not wanting to burden the doctor with his company.

Yet, it seemed that his selfishness was still winning; still dominating. Bellamy leaned slightly forward, kissing the corner of Jackson's lips before verbally responding to his words. "I know," he breathed, reassuring Jackson that despite their limited time together, he knew that the good doctor was sincere. Genuine. Not one with ulterior motives. "And if you don't want this, tell me now." Because he knew that this was all it could ever be; purely physical.

And he was using that . . . craving that, knowing the intense pleasure that Jackson could give him based on their last time together. Deep down, Bellamy knew it exceeded the mere physical though. There was also the comfort of a friend he found in Jackson; otherwise, Bellamy could have gone to anyone else. But no. He wanted that person to be Jackson. Which only added to the selfishness of his own actions he supposed. But as he had already come to terms with: he wasn't the same man as before. And never would be.

[Deleted]

Jackson felt his lips curl slightly at the kiss to the corner of his mouth. Bellamy had done that the first time they'd been together, and the little, tender kisses had surprised Jackson. "Oh, I want this," he assured Bellamy. Truthfully, he wanted to be what Bellamy needed, just as Bellamy had been for him their last time, and this seemed to be what Bellamy needed. He understood the desire to bury your pain in physical pleasure for a while, and Jackson had no doubt he'd enjoy getting Bellamy there.

He tilted his head just enough to catch Bellamy's lips in a hungry kiss, slipping his tongue into Bellamy's mouth and enjoying the taste of Bellamy. He was already becoming aroused, so he slid a hand down to Bellamy's ass and puled Bellamy against him, letting him feel it. "I don't think I told you last time how sexy you are," he murmured.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

my sister

MY RESPONSIBILITY

The feeling of the deeper kiss, allowed thought to slowly ebb away from his mind. So that he could just feel, instead of think. He was a man driven on emotion and right now . . . it was what he needed if he was going to salvage any semblance of sanity. His tongue glided against Jackson's, drinking in that familiar taste that he hadn't quite realized he'd missed until now. Or at least, the extent of how much he had missed it. With his hand still on his cheek, his thumb caressed the male's skin, deepening the kiss, battling for dominance, just . . . enjoying the taste and feel. A groan erupted from his throat, causing a slight vibration, as he felt Jackson's arousal against him, and of course the sensation touch of his hands on his ass. It felt good. Really damn good.

As did his words. Bellamy knew he shouldn't allow himself to hear any sort of praise about him, but he didn't want to break this moment. He didn't dare. The words were enough to make him press a little harder against Jackson, his own thickening arousal starting to become painful. "And I don't think you know, how damn desirable you are," he said in a low, deep voice before capturing Jackson's lips once more. His hand moved to Jackson's pants, hastily unfastening them so that he could slip his hand inside and start stroking him. He gently nipped on Jackson's bottom lip, sucking it between his own for a moment as his hand massaged him.