These Things We Can't Control

[seren2]

The past few hours had been a blur for Jacapo Sinclair, from the moment Jasper and Clarke had arrived at the cave with an unconscious Raven to the moment when they had arrived at the grounders trading post and forced their way in so that they could find a wristband so that they could fix her. The thing that was apparently in the girls head, ALIE, had to come out and there was only one way that they could think of doing that. They had to send an EMP up Raven's nervous system and the idea was that by doing this it would fry whatever had been put inside her head without damaging her brain. The only problem with this plan was that they didn't have an electromagnet, Monty and Octavia had gone to retrieve one from the dropship but there was no telling how long it would take for them to return and the longer it took the worse Raven got. She'd already opened up the wounds on her wrists once, a painful reminder of how dangerous ALIE could be and the truth was that they couldn't be completely certain that the EMP wouldn't cause Raven any brain damage, there were so many blind spots in their plan and it was far from ideal. The thought that something that he was building could destroy everything that Raven was, could cause her irreversible brain damage, although he never wanted to harm her, he also knew that they had no other choice, they'd run out of options and this was the only way forward. They couldn't leave Raven as she was with ALIE controlling her.

All Sinclair could do now though was sit and work, get the device ready for when Monty and Octavia returned with the electromagnet and they could finally bring Raven back, the real Raven. When she'd first woken she'd screamed and kicked and fought to escape them but now she'd gone quiet and had now taken to speaking to the people who were guarding her, the malicious words that she spoke made Sinclair want to shut his eyes and clamp his hands over his ears, knowing that if Raven was herself then she would never be saying any of the things that she was, the thought to speak them wouldn't even enter her mind. He knew that the girl could be a bit short tempered, but she'd never been cruel and that was the only way to describe the words that she had been throwing at her friends. He didn't have much reason to go into the room that they were keeping her in, his soul purpose right now was to get the device ready by the time Monty and Octavia returned, so that they didn't have to wait around and they could just get everything over with, so that ALIE could no longer control Raven and she would no longer pose an immediate threat to them or be able to hear any of their plans.

Looking up from where he was tinkering with the device, he noticed Bellamy standing by himself a gun in his hand and not for the first time Sinclair found himself wondering about the young man. These kids, they'd been through so much since arriving on the ground, they couldn't even be called kids anymore, not really. Placing the screwdriver that he held in his hand down on the table, he got to his feet and made his way over to the man slowly, the device was almost finished, it just needed a bit of tweaking and then everything would be good to go. "Hey" he muttered a soft greeting to Bellamy before glancing over his shoulder to look back at the device as if he expected it to disappear the moment he turned his back "You okay?" the question was a way to subtly pry without seeming as though he was interfering, Sinclair knew that some of the 'kids' were struggling to cope with the things that they had been through on the ground, he saw this when Jasper had spent the past three months trying to drink away his pain, Raven had taken a chip to try and erase her pain and Clarke had ran away from everyone at Arkadia after what happened at Mount Weather. Bellamy been through more or less the same things that all of the other delinquents had and yet he was the only one that had fallen apart the least and had still been there willing to lead and try to do right by his people. It made Sinclair wonder how much the man was bottling up inside, he found it hard to believe that everything that happened had, had no effect on him.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: seren2

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy knew he should be fully alert to their surroundings and perhaps in part, he was. But it wasn't enough to stop his mind, haunted by recent events. A stoic demeanour was second nature to the male Blake but inside . . . there was a storm. A volcano of emotion just waiting to erupt. Seeing Clarke again hadn't been easy. Seeing Raven in this state was difficult. And with everything else going on . . . Octavia, Pike, Kane, the others . . . it was all too much. But he didn't dare voice it. No one wanted to hear it as everyone struggled with their own challenges. Right now, the priority was Raven. If there was one thing they could collectively agree on, it was acknowledgement of how damn difficult it was to see her in this state.

The way ALIE corrupted her mind, forced her to say things that Raven would never say. This, was the focus. The priority. And for that reason, Bellamy had to swallow back everything else. Which was why when the question arose, one that broke Bellamy from his thoughts, he clenched his jaw, fighting back the urge to answer truthfully. Not that he ever did. "I'm fine," he said, his voice low, slightly hoarse as he turned to look at Sinclair. He was fine. He had to be fine.

How could he afford to be anything else? He was not allowed to be . . . not, fine. Yet the fact that Sinclair had even asked, left a strong sense of gratitude within Bellamy. Clarke had asked him. Pike before. And then of course, Gena. But no, Bellamy couldn't and wouldn't focus on his own emotions. They weren't worth anything. "How are you holding up?" He asked with genuine concern, shifting the focus to Sinclair, needing to do that. He knew how close Sinclair and Raven were, and knew this was just as difficult for him to see his companion in such a horrible state.

[seren2]

As Bellamy registered the question his immediate answer was 'I’m fine’ which were two words that Jacapo was used to hearing and he knew that they weren’t necessarily always true. Still, he was reluctant to press the matter, Bellamy was a grown man and some men didn’t like talking about their feelings, especially young men. Almost stupidly they seemed to think that people would think less of them if they felt any kind of emotion, but what Bellamy had been through… It was a lot to deal with on your own. As Bellamy returned the question Sinclair dipped his head briefly in a nod of acknowledgement “I’m… Coping” he muttered his reply as he looked at the younger man “keeping busy” he gestured in the general direction of the device, ignoring the thought of everything that could go wrong when they attempted to use it on Raven.

Sinclair couldn’t help but feel guilty about the whole situation that they were in, of course it wasn’t his fault that there was a small army of chipped arkers in the world, possibly hunting for them at that moment but he did feel partially responsible for Raven’s actions, even if he had nothing to do with them in reality. “I keep thinking that maybe things would have turned out differently if I’d been there for her” he admitted, his gaze softening slightly.“I saw how she was in Mt Weather, she needed to see a friendly face, she needed somebody to be there for her and I wasn’t there” he was her mentor and friend and he had seen that she wasn’t coping well, he’d let her down, he'd been there for her in Mt Weather and as soon as trouble started to arise with Pike, he'd dropped her and left her to cope with everything on her own.“I got too caught up in the issues surrounding Pike that I lost sight of what was really important”. He’d abandoned Raven when she was in a vulnerable place, he wasn’t surprised that she’d taken something that took away her pain and if he was completely honest he didn’t blame her either.

“You know it’s okay to be… Not fine” he ventured, his gaze locking on the younger male “right?” he allowed the question to hang in the air between them. He wanted Bellamy to know that he didn’t have to keep everything locked away inside of him; he was allowed to feel things, especially after everything that had happened. Everyone had to be able to let their emotions out once in a while, it was unhealthy to bottle everything up inside. Raven had tried to persuade everyone that she was fine and now she was far from it, Sinclair didn’t want anyone else to feel as if they had to hide their emotions and he suspected Bellamy of doing just that.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: seren2

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Coping. Keeping busy. Definitely something Bellamy could relate to. After the genocide at Mount Weather, he had set his feelings aside for the betterment of the camp, and immersed himself with what needed to be done. It was the best distraction, while being productive. So he knew full well how Sinclair felt when it came to that sort of thing. The younger male remained silent as he began to open up about how things could have been different. Guilt. A natural reaction considering everything that had happened. Hell, Bellamy blamed himself for this. For Arkadia's fall. For, a lot of things. But right now, this wasn't about him. He wished there was a way to lift the burden of the guilt, but he couldn't do that. He could only draw on his own knowledge of Raven, and attempt to reassure Sinclair with that.

"You were there for her," he assured him. "And, it's not easy to be. She doesn't let a lot of people be." She had pushed away Wick. Pushed away Abby. She was . . . coping in her own way. Which had made Bellamy so glad to see that those like Sinclair and Gena could be there for her. That she would let them be there for her, without admitting that she needed that. With Gena gone, and Abby assumed to be chipped . . . Sinclair was the only one who was perhaps closest to Raven. While Bellamy considered himself to be a good friend of hers, he was doubting all his relationships . . . and could no longer assume that anything was mutual. "But you were always there for her. She just . . . " Bellamy paused in thought, glancing at the door for a moment before turning back to Sinclair.

"Has a lot of pain." They all did, but dealt with it differently. "She was, coping in her own way." Purposely using the term Jacapo had. "And when we get ALIE out of her, she'll need you then. Whether she admits it or not." They couldn't change the past; they could lament in it. But right now, they had to focus on what was within their power. What they could do and change. And currently, that was how to save Raven Reyes. Sinclair's words assuring Bellamy that it was alright to, not be fine, caused the younger male to look at the table, clenching his jaw. He was far from fine and he knew it. But, with how others percieved him -- responsible for Lincoln's death, an enemy, a traitor -- well, why the hell did he deserve to express himself when he knew that the others no longer saw him as anything worth saving.

That much had been clear at their willingness to trade him, leaving him to a leader who knew Bellamy had betrayed him and executed another for it. And Bellamy knew he deserved it. He deserved every strike thaT Octavia gave him. And he deserved to be killed for what he'd done. But somehow, he was still alive. Maybe that, was the ultimate punishment. Slightly shaking his head to clear these thoughts, Bellamy looked back at Sinclair, trying to guard his emotions . . . be as stoic as he could. "Maybe," he said unconvinced. "But that's not something we need to find out right now." If ever.

[seren2]

Sinclair was grateful to Bellamy when the younger male tried to reassure him, he doubted that his guilt could be erased so easily but it did help to ease his mind a little. He had been there for Raven, but somehow it hadn't been enough. "I wasn't there for her when she took the chip, none of us were" he sighed, there were a lot of 'what if's' going through his mind at that moment, but he had to let go of thinking about what he could've done differently and focus on what he could do to help Raven now, his job was to finish the device so that they could get ALIE out of her head and get Raven back. He'd almost finished the device and it would be completed by the time Monty and Octavia returned, they just had to hope that everything went according to plan.

"When we get ALIE out of her she'll need all of us" Sinclair corrected Bellamy without really thinking about it, Raven would need the support of all of her friends, not just him. Jacapo knew that Raven had a habit of pushing people away but it was time for them to refuse to be pushed away, they needed to be there for her, it didn't matter how much she tried to push them away, she still needed them. "We just have to hope that the plan works" it had to work, failure was not an option, if they failed then... Sinclair didn't want to think about what failure meant, the plan would work, Raven would be fine, she had to be fine.

He watched Bellamy with interest as he spoke, it didn't seem as if he was being honest about how he felt, nobody could just be fine after everything that Bellamy had been through, no human could at least. "Raven told people that she was fine too" but she wasn't, that was obvious now that she was tied to a bed with her wrists bandaged after taking something that promised to take away her pain. "You know, we have some time to kill and I've been told that I'm a good listener" he had to finish the device but they had some time before Monty and Octavia returned with what they needed. This was the slowest things had been recently, before this it had just been a rush of activity and Sinclair didn't know when they'd next get the opportunity to talk properly. He might not be Bellamy's favourite person in the world but at least he was willing to listen, if just for a moment. He couldn't force Bellamy to talk about his problems and he doubted that he could persuade him to open up about them but there was no harm in trying.

Bellamy Blake