Let Me Love You

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Nights were always the worst. Forced to be left alone with his thoughts. Fearful of the images that would haunt him when he closed his eyes. Distractions were more difficult to come by at this late hour, when most everyone retired to their quarters. Bellamy didn't even have a shift he could use the excuse of. No. There was nothing. Nothing but loneliness. He imagined that these would be the moments where he and Clarke could comfort each other, even if it involved just sitting in silence. At least they wouldn't have to be alone. But he knew lamenting in what could have been did him no good. Instead, it was replaced with a resentment for her leaving. Her abandonment. He knew that he couldn't be worth staying for, but the proof of it hurt more than anything else. Especially from her. The frustration was getting to be too much.

For mixed in with the pain, the constant reminder of what he had done . . . the blood that he was drowning in . . . threatened to cause his usually stoic demeanour to falter. He had been forced to push his feelings aside, for the betterment of the camp, but it was situations like these, when he threatened to come undone. He clenched his hand, fisting it, feeling the slight tremble as he closed his eyes in attempt to calm himself. In attempt to regain some semblance of composure. But it was too late. Besides, this sort of thing happened. Perhaps stronger today after hearing that they would be arranging a supply run to Mount Weather. The mere thought of returning there . . . was enough to cause Bellamy to react. He swung his hand toward the lamp and books alongside it, sending everything crashing to the ground. He threw over the table as well, swiftly turning and punching the wall a few times before he stopped.

Breathless, but not from any physical over exertion of his actions. It was more the mental, emotional and psychological exhaustion that consumed him. He leaned his back against the wall, his eyes closed as he heavily breathed. It felt so damn hard to breathe now, caught in this nightmare. In this reality. He wasn't sure how long he had been just standing there when he heard a knock on the door. He could ignore it. But it could be an emergency. And well . . . selfishly, Bellamy truly didn't want to be alone right now. He made his way to the door, taking a few additional deep breaths to calm himself before opening it, to reveal one of the delinquents. The original 100 were those that Bellamy was more fiercely protective of than anyone else. Levi, was among them. "Everything ok?" He asked, wondering if something had happened. It was far easier to focus on the others than on himself . . . especially someone like Levi.

[Levi Kazuto]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged: Bellamy Blake

Levi wondered if everybody had forgotten who saved them. It wasn't Clarke. He had nothing against Clarke, and he thought highly of her at some times but she wasn't the one who kept them alive, whether she thought she was or not. Truthfully, it seemed all of the surviving delinquents credited her with saving their lives, forgetting that Bellamy actually risked everything to get inside Mount Weather. Considering what he heard he had gone through, he couldn't understand why nobody gave him the credit he deserved. It seemed like Bellamy was treated as an important chest piece in Clarke's game-- being moved from place to place like a pawn. Sure, he was important on the board. Like a knight or a bishop... but like the rest of the pawns, he was just a piece in the game that got overlooked. 

It wasn't like Levi to care, or even to be upset by those facts but for some reason Bellamy's hooks were in him. Deeply. He wasn't like Robin. He was able to protect himself. He wasn't fragile. Yet he was still the world's punching bag. So yes. Levi came to check on him, but as his knuckles came close to touching the metal door he heard Bellamy. Things were being thrown; tossed around and shoved. He knew the sound. Sometimes when things got too tense and difficult... well, he understood. Normally, he would turn around and head back to his room. Something glued him in place and he resented it. So instead of leaving, he knocked when the sounds stopped.

"I'm fine," he said as Bellamy opened the door. He knew the look. He wanted something else to focus on than his own head. He was looking for a distraction-- but Levi didn't have one. His eyes flashed beyond Bellamy and towards the mess he had made instead for a long moment. "I'd ask... but," he shrugged and looked back at him. "My bunk mate is drunk and making life that much harder. Figured I'd come check on you-- but you're clearly not doing to well. Need help cleaning that up?" There wasn't any judgement in his voice. It was cold and matter of fact. 

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy felt a wave of relief wash over him when Levi assured that everything was fine. There was nothing pressing then, nothing that required immediate attention. He then further revealed that his bunk mate was drunk, making things difficult. The fact that the former delinquent had even come to check on Bellamy . . . well, he would be lying if he said it didn't make him feel touched. For someone to care enough check in on him.

Though he also felt the guilt of it. He was supposed to be taking care of them; he was supposed to be checking in on them. Bellamy turned his head, glancing at the mess on his floor before turning back to Levi. He wasn't embarrassed, but he also didn't want Levi to feel like he had to help him. Or feel like he had to take care of him. "It's fine," he answered, stepping a bit back so that Levi could enter. His company was most welcome, even if it wasn't to clean the mess that Bellamy had made.

"This a common thing for your roommate?" Bellamy asked, knowing that everyone dealt with the aftermath of Mount Weather and the general trauma of being on the ground differently. Then again, his roommate could have just had too much to drink for the hell of it. "We can switch your room if you want," he further suggested, fixing the table so that it was upright once more as he spoke. Levi was right. Bellamy was not doing well, but for the older male to admit it . . . well, no. He couldn't. As his mind already informed him: he was supposed to be taking care of the others.

[Levi Kazuto]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged: Bellamy Blake

When Bell stepped aside, Levi ignored him and moved to pick up some of the things he threw around. Organizing cleared his head anyway, so he didn't have any problem with it. He didn't understand the relief that Bellamy felt when he saw who was at the door, but if it helped... "Nah-- Eric's just going through some shit. We don't have to switch rooms." Levi shrugged as he looked over some of the books and what have you before he glanced back at Bellamy. The fact that even though he was suffering some kind of mental collapse yet he still felt it was his responsibility to care for them was... well, to be quite frank it was a piss off. "Can you stop worrying about us for five minutes? It's getting pretty irritating. We're safe, and you don't have to look out for us right now-- so stop it."

He let out a long sigh as he leaned against the table and looked up at him with narrowed eyes and a look of general distaste. Then again, bitterness was pretty normal for Levi, especially when he was concerned. Caring was such a pain in the neck. Normally he could care at a distance but when somebody needed help it was that much more frustrating. "You can't pent up all this frustration Bell. It'll end up affecting your judgment..." He crossed his arms after gesturing haphazardly at the mess he'd made. "This kind of thing is how it starts. Next you'll wind up having a meltdown and breaking when we need you most. It's okay to take some time off from being a hero." Levi shook his head to move hair away from his face and glanced down.

"If you have to talk to somebody...-- I mean somebody who's not gonna feed you bullshit," he was talking about everybody in medical. They all thought they were shrinks now. "I'm here."

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy gave a short nod when Levi assured him that a room switch wouldn't be necessary. Everyone was being patient with others; allowing them to do what they needed to heal. So long as it wasn't a hazard or danger to others -- especially themselves. Jasper was one such example. Despite the support offered, he still rebelled against those like Bellamy himself and Monty. Seeing the deterioration of the latter friendship was difficult, knowing how close they were. If Bellamy could spare Monty any of the responsibility of what happened in Mount Weather, he would.

It wasn't the younger male's fault, yet he too carried the burden of guilt . . . and blame from his best friend. Bellamy looked at Levi when he spoke of how his perpetual worry for them was irritating. Truth be told, Bellamy couldn't remember a time where he hadn't been worried about someone. When he was a child, perhaps. Before Octavia was born. But since then, it was within his very nature. To be worried for the others, to feel this constant need to protect them. He had just gone from caring for one person, to nearly 100. Besides, he knew that should he stop, should he no longer show his care . . . and something happened, the blame would rest at his feet. He was whatever they needed him to be. Bellamy continued to remain silent, listening to him speak of what would happen with all his pent up frustration, unleashing itself in a breakdown when they would need him.

But it was one word spoken by Levi, that finally drew the guardsman out of his pensive silence, absorbing his words. Looking away from Levi, he instead focused on picking up the books and setting them on the table. "I'm not a hero." It wasn't modesty; it was simple fact. He had committed far more crimes than engaged in heroic acts. He refused to accept such a title; discouraging it whenever he heard it. He was no damn hero. Hardly even close. "You're my people," he continued to say, non chalantly, but there was a depth, a weight to the words. Ones he tried to minimize by continuing to pick off things from the floor. But, he figured he was failing in the attempt. "I'll never stop worrying about you all, or trying to protect you." His words once again, weren't meant to sound heroic.

But plain, simple fact. If he didn't live for them, then who would he live for? Sure as hell not himself. He didn't deserve a life to live for his own selfish purposes. He had far too much to make up for. Levi's offer once again touched Bellamy, tempted to one day take him up on it . . . but it was once again a selfish thought. "Thanks," he responded with genuine gratitude. "I'll keep that in mind." Which he would. The fact that Levi even made such an offer, meant a great deal to the older male. "Likewise you know," he told him, looking at Levi. "If you need anything . . . " Bellamy would be whatever that was. A pair of listening ears. A man in position who could do something to accommodate Levi. Whatever he needed. Bellamy had failed the delinquents so many times. He would do everything in his power to ensure it didn't remain a constant, devestating pattern.

[Levi Kazuto]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged: Bellamy Blake

"Bellamy shut up with all that 'you're my people' crap alright? We aren't at the dropship anymore and you don't have to play that role." The fact that it wasn't a role was patronizing. It made it worse. It was like Bellamy couldn't simply exist without putting the responsibility of others on his back. Maybe he didn't have a point to live without it, but damn it was irritating. He rolled his eyes as Bellamy extended the same invitation out to Levi, but he didn't respond immediately with a snide comment. He bit it back with all his willpower, but when the urge passed he let out a long sigh and laughed under his breath. Always looking out for others, never looking out for himself. Levi had learned to look out for those who deserved it. Bellamy was one of those few people, along with the kids that came down who deserved it.

"I'm not looking for somebody to vent to. I'm fine. Nobody fucked me up in Mount Weather and I didn't have to kill anybody to get out alive," he stood up straighter now and walked towards him. Impulsively, he reached out to trace his tense forearm lightly with the side of his fingers. "I don't have anything weighing me down and making me throw shit across the room. The only concern I have right now is for you." The sincerity of the statement and the weight of it was so out of character for Levi that he had to murmur the words in a tone just above a whisper. There wasn't even a hint of attitude in his tone, but when he let his hand fall he looked back up at Bellamy with an irritated glint reignited in his eyes. "So stop trying to look out for others and let yourself vent for once... I know it's taken it's toll. It always has-- right from the start. You don't talk about it but it's eating away at you."

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Levi’s words hit him hard . . .because they were true. He had killed people in Mount Weather, it had taken its toll. And it was eating away at him. But it was the truth that Bellamy struggled to hear. Struggled to cope with. It was one thing to internalize it; to keep it inside and assure everyone else that he was fine. But for someone to call him out for not being fine, for expressing their concern for him . . . for practically telling him that it was alright not to be fine . . . it meant something. Hell, it meant a lot. So much, that Bellamy felt himself incapable of finding the words to say. But no. He couldn’t let himself find comfort of solace in this fact. It wasn’t alright. He had to be fine. He didn’t have the right to let what happened, take its toll. They all deserved better than that; than a broken former leader. In addition to the words, the touch that Levi offered gave the same effect; one of comfort. One of need. A desire to not have to justify himself to someone.

The blunt honesty strongly valued in this moment, because it was as if he didn’t have to explain it. There was sincere concern in Levi’s voice . . .even if Bellamy’s heart ached more hearing the truthful words he had to say. The older male brought his gaze to Levi’s, finding it impossible to suppress the emotion from his eyes. He couldn’t fall apart. And yet . . . what if it was too late for that. Instinctively, Bellamy shifted a little closer to Levi. Drawn to him. His words. His touch. His general demeanor. It felt refreshing in a strange sense. Bellamy’s vulnerability didn’t make it difficult for him to be so compelled to be near someone; to crave that human contact. But this wasn’t just anyone. It was Levi, who was calling him out. And there was a strong value placed on that from Bellamy’s perspective.

”Stop,” he said in a whispered voice, a tone of almost defeat; exasperation . . . as if he couldn’t bear to hear the truth. He slightly leaned forward, closer to the younger male, but pausing before they were too close. Then again, perhaps it was too late for that. ”I bear it, so they don’t have to.” Words that Clarke had said to him before she left. But she wasn’t here to see their faces. She wasn’t here to deal with the repercussions. She left. So Bellamy would endure it. He had to. He deserved the pain far more than anyone else with all the damage he had caused in their lives. ”I can’t . . . ” Fall apart. Words unsaid, but he hoped ones understood. “So just . . .” Bellamy paused once more, trying to regain his composure. Leaning closer until their lips were hardly apart. ”Stop.” The finishing word before he closed the distance between them, his lips brushing against Levi’s in a light, almost tender embrace

. Before losing himself too completely in it, realization hit Bellamy and he abruptly pulled away, quickly turning his head to the side, shaking it a little at the stupidity of his actions. Forcing himself to step away from Levi, there was an apology in the air, but the words did not surface. Instead, he just proceeded to pick up the remainder of the things. “You should go.” Before he did something stupid like that again. Because . . . Levi deserved better. A hell of a lot better.

[Levi Kazuto]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged: Bellamy Blake

Levi was caught in the moment; the vulnerability of it. Had they not been so close, Levi would have scoffed at the phrase. He took it all on himself, without realizing the consequences. He couldn't just stop. He couldn't let it go and pretend like he couldn't see the guilt and shame swimming in Bellamy's deep brown eyes. Levi's own black eyes were caught on his before Bellamy pressed his lips against his. The moment made Levi freeze. The kiss was soft, and for a brief moment Levi kissed him back... The warmth of the intimate moment was overwhelming in its own way. Levi was not an affectionate person, or at least, he'd never had the chance to be. He wasn't frozen in place and shocked because it was Bellamy-- but because it happened at all.

It could have been anyone he cared about; man or woman-- that didn't matter. Most of Levi's more intimate interactions were fast; hot and desperate and always meant as a distraction. Though it was quick, Levi found himself overthinking it. Was Bellamy using intimacy as a distraction the same way Levi used people for it? Did it actually mean something? When he pulled away, Levi was left gaping like an idiot; a very confused idiot. Even if Levi used sex and intimacy as an escape from life, it still meant something. So what did this mean to Bellamy? Levi took a step towards the door as he tried to find a less desperate way to ask him... Asking him now seemed so pathetic, so he bit his lip and turned towards the door. His hand moved to the door knob for a moment before he closed it and stared at the door for a few seconds before locking it. 

"What happened in Mount Weather, Bellamy?" he asked the question without making eye contact while he composed himself. He wasn't dropping it. The rush of confused emotions and chemicals made it hard to focus, but he wouldn't be swayed like that. "Jasper acts like it was cold blooded murder... but there had to be more to it." When he turned around, he tried to veil the inner conflict that Bellamy had created. Instead he walked back towards him and took his hand. His fingers unconsciously laced between his but his gaze was unfaltering. "What happened?"

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Truth be told, Bellamy had no idea how Levi was going to react to the embrace. He had every right to be angry, hurt, so many things. So many reactions that Bellamy was used to. He heard him more than saw him move toward the door, expecting him to leave. Fearing it, but knowing it was better for Levi that he did. But instead of the former delinquent's departure, he heard the door close, and the clicking of the lock. He was going to stay. That in itself, was huge. Levi was going to stay.

After Clarke's leaving, Bellamy knew . . . or finally realized perhaps, that he was not worth staying for. But right now, in this moment, Levi was willing to stay. The older male pause, froze when Levi asked about what happened in Mount Weather, his words followed by a statement about Jasper, speaking of how there was more to it. There was. And there wasn't. It didn't change what Bellamy did. People in Mount Weather had trusted him . . . and he killed them all. Bellamy didn't speak. He didn't know the words to

say. He couldn't even face Levi while the topic was brought forth. What he felt, was the comfort of the younger male's hand, interlocking their hands. The warmth of his skin an immediate relief . . . and Bellamy once again, was far too undeserving of that. But he didn't pull away. He clung to this, as if it were a lifeline. He knew that Levi, among the others deserved the truth. Hell, it was probably only a matter of time before they found out.

"They were going to kill us," Bellamy finally said, not even certain how long the period of silence had ensued. His gaze was fixated on their joined hands, trying to keep the emotion from his voice and face . . . knowing he was failing miserably. "Kill or be killed." As if it was justification. Perhaps it was. Bellamy didn't regret it because if he did, it meant he would see all of their people dead. And that certainly wasn't the case. "We did what we had to do." Another phrase that often served as justification for their actions. "So we killed everyone." Men. Women. Children. Innocents.

"We had to they--" His voice caught, breathless from the attempt of convincing someone . . . convincing himself. But he was a monster. He knew that. "It was the only way." Desperate to believe it, for in that moment, it was true. But to explain it was so difficult, especially when he saw their faces. The ghosts. The demons that haunted him. Subconsciously, he gave Levi's hand a gentle squeeze. "It was the only way," he added in a low voice, barley audible, hardly a whisper. He closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing back the emotion that stemmed from this constant reminder of what he had done. Of what he proved to be capable of. Clarke may be the figurehead, but that in no way alleviated the guilt from Bellamy and Monty. They carried it with them; forced to endure it. Together.

[Levi Kazuto]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged: Bellamy Blake

The silence went uninterrupted as Levi watched Bellamy's expression. He read every emotion that he allowed to cross his features as he tried to find an answer. Levi didn't rush him, or move from his place. He let Bellamy think until he broke the silence... but even then Levi didn't know what to say. He could tell Bellamy that it wasn't his fault. Levi could remind him that he didn't send them down to this hell hole. He could even remind him that there was nothing he could have done-- and that even if he got them out without casualties they wouldn't survive on their own. They died quickly, when they would have died slowly over time. Horribly; but quickly. He didn't say any of this because he knew that he wouldn't be able to say anything to make him feel any better. He couldn't fix it. There was no fixing it. Though he took a breath to speak, there were no words that came out. Nothing felt appropriate. Instead he squeezed his hand lightly in return. 

"You're going to get through this," he said after a moment. There was no swapping blame around and there was no arguing with him and telling him that he was in the right. Levi knew better. He knew he wouldn't believe a word he said, but the fact that time would pass was the one thing he could promise. The fact that it was horrible now was not something he could change-- but whether or not anyone wanted to believe it, eventually it got better. He was hesitant now though as he reached up to cup his face. It was odd... touching him and being so close. It was something that Levi was trying to get used to. He'd thought about it before, but it had never been appropriate. Meaningless intimacy was all Levi knew, so now when there was meaning behind these actions... he was at a loss. "You don't have to do it alone... You don't have to bear it in silence," 

Slowly, almost cautiously he pressed his lips against Bellamy's. It was just as gentle as the first, but closer. Levi's thumb ran lightly across his jaw as his tongue traced his lip. Every move was slow. Levi wasn't sure what he was doing-- but it felt right. Different than anything he was used to; but right.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy couldn't deny the relief that washed over him, not having to hear Levi tell him that it wasn't his fault. That what he did, didn't make him a monster. Bellamy would emphatically disagree. But instead, the younger male chose the words that perhaps were the only ones that could leave Bellamy in a grateful silence. He would get through this. Would he? He damn well hoped he did. He had put his own feelings aside for the betterment of the camp, and in doing so . . . perhaps he hadn't truly dealt with them. Apart from these random outbursts when he was in solitude. Unable to drag anyone down with him or burden others with his pain. That, was what he was doing to Levi right now though. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. And yet . . . he couldn't let him go. He couldn't tell him to leave. He couldn't be that asshole that everyone had believed him to be for so long. For Levi's sake, he should be.

But in this selfish need for him . . . he couldn't. It became even more of an impossibility when he felt Levi's hand on his cheek, cupping him, assuring him he didn't have to do it alone. It was that same reassurance that he had given Clarke. The same mentality that had prompted him to put his hand on hers over the lever. But . . . she had left him to bear it alone. And now here was Levi, offering support. Something that was so damn unfamiliar that it made a fountain of emotions pour over the guardsman, unable to define them in their magnitude and intensity. Adding more sentiment to his words, Bellamy felt his lips touch his once more. It sent a warmth through his entire body, one he wasn't even sure he had been capable of feeling anymore. But apparently, he could. Levi made that possible. His hand caressing her cheek, his tongue moving over his lips . . . the sensation was too incredible. Too incredible for Bellamy to shun him away. Bellamy was not an easy man to be with.

It was easier to hate him, than to care for him. Than to love him. He was used to being that figure of blame, that target of anger. To be loved and cared for . . . was so unfamiliar. So desired by the older male. And here was Levi, offering him that. Because Bellamy damn well knew he didn't have to do this. It wasn't a fit of lust that thrust them together. Unable to remain idle any longer, Bellamy finally responded to the kiss, deepening it, coaxing Levi's mouth open to press his tongue between his lips. Eagerly exploring him, still keeping a tenderness to the embrace. His hand moved to the back of Levi's head, pressing him closer to him as his fingers went through his straight strands. His hand hand went to Levi's waist, slowly slipping under the fabric of his shirt, only to caress his side, feeling the softness and warmth of his skin. Breathing into the kiss, it all felt so exhilarating. As if Bellamy had finally caught a glimmer of peace; as if he had finally found his sanctuary.

[Levi Kazuto]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged: Bellamy Blake

As Bellamy responded to the kiss, Levi was all too eager to move closer. His tongue flicked against Bellamy's as he felt his fingers course through his hair and pull him in tighter. It had been a while since he'd felt the touch of another person. After Mount Weather, he lost interest in a lot of it. It never seemed right... The feeling of Bellamy's fingers brushing his hip drew a small shudder from him and though he didn't want to, he pulled away for a moment to look at him. His hand moved to Bellamy's and wrapped around his wrist to keep him from moving his shirt anymore. It wasn't because he didn't want it. He wanted it and had for a long time but even with every inch of him aching he couldn't guiltlessly dive into whatever this was becoming. It wasn't because he felt like a distraction, or like he was being used. Bellamy was too selfless to pull that crap. He needed it to be more.

"This... means something to me," he said after a moment of trying to think of the right words to use. He didn't want to sound like an overly emotional or sentimental tool who got attached to every person he kissed. He wasn't. He let out a small breath and let go of Bellamy's wrist hesitantly before reaching down to tug at the hem of Bellamy's shirt with furrowed brows. "I don't want this to be... some one night stand. Not with you." He valued their relationship too much, platonic or not. Making it something more would forever change that and if this was something he wanted for a night... well it would make things messy. "I'd say I want to take it slow but... I don't. I just don't want to change... how we see each other unless you really want this. Me, I mean." Levi licked his lower lip and bit it in thought before glancing back up at Bellamy, wondering how he'd respond. "I won't hold it against you if it's not what you want." 

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The moment was over too soon as Bellamy felt Levi’s hand move to stop him, easing out of the kiss. It left the burning need for the younger male course through Bellamy, wanting more. Needing more. The conversation that may follow not one that Bellamy wished to engage in. Fearing rejection. Fearing that realization would dawn on Levi; that Bellamy just wasn’t damn good enough. But once the former delinquent started speaking, it was quite the opposite from what Bellamy had thought. He was saying that it meant something. That he didn’t want a one night stand: he wanted something more. The words touched Bellamy, yet knew it was utterly selfish to be with him. To even want to be with him. Bellamy had deprived so many others of joy and happiness; ripping away the loved ones of those who were still alive.

Committing genocide against innocent people. People like Jasper would call him out on it, rightfully so. That why did Bellamy deserve that companionship and the right to be with someone, when he had robbed the chance for others to be happy. It wasn’t right. Or fair. But . . . Bellamy was human. And his body craved it. Not just from anyone, but from Levi. His words and actions solidified that. He remained silent, pensive, knowing he should regress to the asshole others saw him as and dismiss Levi completely. Tell him to leave. Even if it was for his own sake. Yet . . . the man that Bellamy had become in the wake of everything he had done, every crime that he had committed . . . made him want to ask Levi to stay. To allow himself for the first time in his entire life, be with someone.

He had always lived for others, was it so wrong to find some semblance of happiness with someone he cared about? It was. He knew that. He was a monster, and he would be burdening Levi with the curse of being with him. ”I do,” he assured Levi, his voice low but sincere. ”I want this. You.” Truthful words, yet there was a lingering but. He paused once more, leaning forward to lightly kiss the corner of Levi’s mouth. Bellamy couldn’t understand how anyone could want him; how Levi could want him. He wasn’t worth it. And any expressed desire was so unfamiliar to the older male.

”But I’ve never . . . “ Been with anyone. He hoped Levi understood the unspoken words. Physical intimacy was one thing, but Bellamy could never allow the emotional intimacy that came with a romantic partner. Levi would be his first; he would be the exception. Leaning forward, he spoke against Levi’s ear, perhaps on some subconscious level unable to make eye contact. They said that eyes were the window to your soul, and what if Levi truly saw how damaged and dark Bellamy’s was. ”I don’t have the right.” To be with anyone. Based on Levi’s formerly spoken words, Bellamy had a feeling the younger male would disagree. But he wanted to be open and honest with him, just as Levi had been with him. ”I don’t want to hurt you Or lose you.” The words said before he lightly kissed his earlobe. Because, that was what Bellamy did. He hurt people. He was the reason they died. He was a monster. And the thought of hurting or losing Levi . . . was unbearable.

[Levi Kazuto]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged: Bellamy Blake

For as long as Bellamy allowed it, Levi read his expression and his reaction to his words. Levi hated being vulnerable and putting himself out there. People were not reliable enough to trust, which was why Levi didn't wear his heart on his sleeve. He covered it with every ounce of armor he could scrounge up and locked it away in a vault for which even he didn't know the combination. Right now though, Bellamy had it out in the open and he didn't even know it. As every second passed Levi grew cold and anxious; ready to yank his heart back into the vault and pretend this never happened. He would pretend that he never saw the vulnerability in Bellamy's eyes, or felt his touch-- he would even deny that he felt any attraction to him at all if that's what it took. He'd done it before, but never for somebody he cared for this much. 

His words made him take his first breath in what seemed like minutes, but as he leaned in to hide his emotions and speak by Levi's ear, he instinctively laced his fingers through his curls to hold him closer. "None of us have the right," he said with a small frown. "Not after... everything. That doesn't mean we can't..." He leaned in to rest his forehead in the crook of Bellamy's neck, breathing him in. It was strange being with someone when his defenses were down. "We can't control that... We can't control the future-- and you can't assume you're going to hurt me." He ran his fingers through his locks; stroking his hair slowly as his lips pressed against his covered shoulder. "All we have is right now... So stop worrying about what might happen, okay?" He pulled back to look at him and lightly trailed his fingers through his hair still. "I've survived this long. I don't think anything is going to make you lose me."

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Levi Kazuto

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

They did. The others had a right. The others had not killed over 600 people. Among those in the culling, had been parents of the delinquents. Bellamy had far less of a right than the others, but he didn't want to dispute it. Hell, Levi saying that made him all the more drawn to him, for it showed the strength of heart the younger male possessed.

Bellamy continued to close his eyes, taking in his words as well as his actions; the comforting sensation of his hands running through his hair sending a warmth through his body. They couldn't control the future; but Bellamy had done enough damage for anyone. Yet . . . Levi didn't look at him as the monster he was. He assured him, made him feel safe . . . made him feel alive. It surpassed any sort of physical meaning; something deeper, more emotional. And that, was a far rarer intimacy for Bellamy to engage in. One he found himself eagerly wanting to, with none other than Levi.

"I could," he said in a low voice, barley audible. Bellamy could be what caused himself to lose Levi. The irony. Though history had formed a pattern when it came to people that Bellamy cared for, people he tried to protect. He often failed. When Levi drew his head back to look at him, Bellamy returned his gaze. "I hope not," he said in response to the former delinquent's latter spoken words. "Because I can't . . . " Lose him. Someone who had touched him on such a deep level. After Clarke's leaving, Bellamy had promised not to allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable with anyone else.

Yet, here he was. Practically admitting to wanting to be with this male, in a way that went beyond mere physical intimacy. Bellamy leaned toward him, brushing his lips against his one more, before slowly easing out of the tender embrace, but not going far as his forehead rested against Levi's. "You're sure this is what you want?" He had to ask. One final time. Because it was not something Bellamy would dismiss, nor take for granted. He wouldn't blame him for having second thoughts. Hell, he wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave him shortly down the road. But right now, in this moment, he was giving him a final out. Before anything else happened; before they took anything to the next level . . . though perhaps, they already had. Emotionally.