Day By Day

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

They had made it back to the cave where Miller and Harper were waiting. And more importantly, where A.L.I.E did not know the location of. So much had happened and everyone was lost in their own thoughts; dealing with it in their own way. Once they were settled, Bellamy decided to keep watch for a little. He didn't feel like talking to anyone. A.L.I.E had said things to them all that affected them in a deeper level, and Bellamy was no exception to this. He had forced himself to remain composed while hearing it . . . but that made it no easier to listen to. Time rolled on as everyone was settling for the night, just trying to cope with todays events rather than look to tomorrow. Day by day. Surviving. That was what their lives were all about ever since landing on the Ground.

Eventually, Bellamy entered the cave, but not without purpose. He had told Clarke that he would redress Raven's wounds, since she needed her rest and Sinclair had drifted as well. Bellamy made his way to where Raven was, slightly tilting his head to see if she was awake as he didn't want to be the reason she was jolted out of a slumber. She must be exhausted. "Hey," he greeted, crouching down in front of her as his eyes went directly to one of her arms; her wrists that had been slit. He hated what A.L.I.E had done to her; the torture that she had been forced to endure.

"I need to redress your wounds," he informed her, setting down the cloth make shift bandages on the ground. He had dressed Clarke's before, and he had done his own for the most part . . . now, he needed to help take care of Raven. It was easier after all, to focus on the others. No. Not easier. That wasn't the right word. It was just . . . all he had left. Emotional bonds severed with the others. All he could do was physically show them he cared. Physically try to protect them because emotionally . . . they most likely perceived him as the enemy. As evidenced by Kane's words, and Octavia's beating . . . just to name a few.

[cherry1]

Raven barely said a word to the others the whole way to the cave, choosing instead to pretend to be sleeping rather than face anyone. The relief of finally being free of A.L.I.E overwhelmed her, to not have to see that bitch’s face everywhere she turned, to not have every thought and movement controlled by her. It would take a while before the feeling of terror passed. Every time she opened her eyes, Raven couldn’t help but feel afraid that she would see her again. That this was all just some plan to lull her into a false sense of security before taking over once more. She never wanted to feel so helpless at someone else's mercy ever again.

It was silly, she knew rationally that it was impossible, they’d all told her how they’d seen Clarke remove what was left of the chip. But she was still so goddamn terrified. A.L.I.E would never stop until she got what she wanted, Raven knew that better than most. It had almost killed her after all. Sitting in the cave, away from the others, it was better this way. While she knew they were all aware that everything she’d said was A.L.I.E’s way of manipulating them, Raven couldn’t help but feel responsible for giving her the ammo. The memory of every awful thing she’d said to Japer, Clarke…Bellamy, made her cringe and filled her with guilt. While it hurt, it was still a welcome emotion. Any emotion was better than feeling absolutely nothing.

Taking one last scan of the room, frantically searching for signs of her signature red dress, Raven’s eyes landed on Bellamy walking towards her. She could barely look at him after everything she’d said. Things she could never take back. “Thanks.” It was a kindness she barely deserved. Holding out her arms, she finally looked at his face. “I just…need you to know,” taking a breath she continued. “What I said…back in that place…I didn’t mean any of it okay?" He needed to know that. “None of it was true…and I’m…sorry.” Unable to look at him while apologizing, Raven instead focused her gaze downwards at her wrists.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Hearing her apologize hurt . . . because it meant she felt guilty for it. Raven as a damn good person; she would feel responsible for what happened. Bellamy only wished he could take any guilt from her; that he could somehow magically free her of that emotion. Then again, freeing people of emotions was A.L.I.E's job, and had horrible consequences. "It's wasn't you," he told her in a low voice, thick with sincerity as he began to unwrap one of the bandages around her wrist. It wasn't her. It had been A.L.I.E; it had been her influence.

Besides, nothing of what she had said was untrue. Everything she told him, Bellamy had already told himself 100 times over. The culling. The Mount Weather massacre. His mother. Gena. Everything. Perhaps that was why it hadn't phased him; because he had to live with himself. And no one was more disgusted by it than he was. No one could hate him more than he hated himself. "So you don't have to apologize," he continued, still unable to look at her and instead, used the silent excuse of tending to her wound.

"No one here blames you." She had been through so damn much. He doubted anything he said could even make a difference, but he had to try at least. Raven was one of the few people who hadn't looked at him like he was nothing; like he was the enemy. Selfishly, he wanted to hold on to that. In actuality, he didn't deserve it. "So you shouldn't blame yourself." Because the AI was strong. Her abilities to manipulate others into taking the pill were strong. Arkadia had fallen because of her. And alas, all he could offer were words. His words; the words of the deemed enemy.

[cherry1]

Everything he said was true and deep down she really knew that. But she couldn’t help it. Every word she had said to him, each comment more hurtful than the last, the way he just sat there and took it…It broke her heart a little. She would never forget his face. How could she not feel guilty about that? A.L.I.E asked her to hurt him, but it was Raven who found the words to do it, maybe not all of them, but enough to fill her heart with regret. “I know I just…” It was difficult not to blame herself. “I couldn’t…help myself,” She had completely lost control to the bitch in the red dress. One of the most terrifying experiences of her life. She herself had chosen to submit after all. The memory of that encounter still a fresh wound in her mind. Even now sometimes when she closed her eyes she would see flashes of the indescribable pain A.L.I.E had forced her through. Almost like she could feel it again. For just a moment. Like some sort of phantom pain.

If she had just held on longer maybe? Or if she had never taken that stupid pill in the first place, none of this would be happening. Raven had given her the power to change so many people. To take...Abby. Now that was definitely her fault. Perhaps Arkadia wouldn’t be run by zombies right now if she hadn’t been so damn weak. “I never meant to hurt you.” A.L.I.E however did. And what a way to do it. It was unforgivable. And Raven would make damn sure she got what was coming to her. “They were all lies, just to provoke you.” Which they…didn’t. Maybe that was why she felt so guilty, and felt the need to affirm that everything she’d said was untrue. Because judging by the way he reacted, either he had some mad skills at self-control….or he just accepted every word.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

His heart continued to ache, hearing Raven apologize, express her regret for what was said. Saying that she never meant to hurt him. That she couldn't help herself. Truth be told, Raven was one of the few people he could actually be in the company of right now. Granted, he had failed her so many times; he had been responsible for her losing those she cared about. But, compard to the others right now . . . it felt, safer to be with her. Ironically. And he knew that was damn selfish of him. To hold onto the hope that perhaps, he wasn't dead to her. That he wasn't an enemy to her.

That she never thrust blame upon his feet or reminded him of the fact that he was a monster. For all those reasons, he should stay away from her. He shouldn't allow himself that small flicker of humanity, when he knew that his soul was already crushed. But . . . he was indeed selfish. His priority her was well being of course, and making sure she was ok. But he couldn't deny that maybe, just maybe . . . there was someone here that he could still look at. "You didn't," he told her, wanting her to know that he fully recognized that it was A.L.I.E talking like that. Not her. Raven hadn't hurt him. Besides, A.L.I.E's words were nothing he hadn't heard before.

It wasn't even just from himself. He'd listened to his sister blame him for their mother's death, among other things. He'd listened to the genocide he'd committed at Mount Weather and the massacre. He'd listened to Pike allow him to blame himself for Gena's death. And the list went on. So no. Nothing the AI said was new. It was all heard before; all accepted; all acknowledged. There was nothing left in him to give. Nothing left in him to feel. Apart from utter defeat. He was a monster. A fact reinforced by his mere existance. "No they weren't," Bellamy said, his voice low, his tone holding something between a struggle to maintain a stoic nature, and defeat. This wasn't about him though. This was about Raven, and making sure she was ok. So he just slightly shook his head, habitually sniffing a little, wiping away the bit of dry blood from her now exposed wrist before proceeding to wrap it with the new one.

"We're all glad you're ok. And that your plan worked." Her plan to get that thing out of her head. He paused for a moment, realizing the mistake of his words. Physically, yeah she was ok. But . . . he felt compelled to ask the next question. "How are you holding up, anyway?" If she needed someone to talk to, maybe he was still worth enough to be someone to listen. If not, he understood of course. The others had stopped trusting him. Why should he be privileged enough to maintain Raven's trust? Genuine concern was in his voice though. How deep was A.L.I.E's damage? Raven had already been through so damn much and Bellamy just hated with every part of him, that she had to now endure this too. She didn't deserve it. Not in the slightest.

[cherry1]

His quiet comment only confirmed what she probably already knew. He’d only remained so in control because he’d believed every word she’d said while under A.L.I.E’s influence. “Yes…they were.” It was in his nature to stubbornly hold onto blame. A quality she recognised because it was one they shared. None of them were innocent but Raven wasn’t about to allow him to wallow in self-pity. It wasn’t his job to take on the weight of the world. And now Raven understood him better than she ever did before, knowing all these things about his life, how he’d suffered. And to be the person to reopen those wounds so callously…crushed her. The culling, his mother, Clarke…Gena. That one really hurt.

She couldn’t help but replay their conversation over and over again in her mind. Each time remembering some other god awful thing she’d mentioned. It was all A.L.I.E…but it still fell from her lips. “Look at me Bellamy, you…you saved my life.” They all did, and she’d forever be grateful for that. “So you can’t be all bad huh?” She said with a small teasing smirk. An expression she hadn’t had the freedom to use like this in so long. …Too long. Gently, she took the hand he wasn’t occupied with and laid it on his own, her smile small but more genuine.

Even now while they spoke and he changed her bandages, she still couldn’t help but occasionally dart her eyes around the room in paranoia expecting to see red fabric hiding behind some god forsaken rock. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be fine.” Eventually. “…but…I gotta tell you Blake…Don’t get me wrong I hated her in my head…so much it terrified me, and I never want to see her again. Ever.” She questioned whether she should continue before taking a breath and doing it anyway. “She was just with me for so long it feels…strange without her,” Raven looked down towards the end of her admittance in shame. “It’s insane I know.”

Every sensation was different, the pain in her leg, and now her arm, even the emotional pain was…too welcome. She hadn’t processed anything like it in so long.  All of this was just too good to be true. “What if my plan didn’t work? What if…she’s just messing with me?” Normally Raven would never admit anything like this to anyone. She’d sooner die, or kill than be perceived as weak. But he wasn’t just anyone. This was Bellamy, and with everything she now knew about him...on a much more personal level...Well, she trusted him.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He knew that Raven wouldn't agree with what A.L.I.E had said about him. Part of him appreciated that; that there was still someone here to didn't look at him like he was a monster. The other part of him, the more dominant part . . . knew it was undeserved. He should have protected his people better. They had been so focused on the war against Grounders, that they hadn't even looked toward what Jaha was doing and the damage it was causing the Arkers. Pike had left it up to Abby, but clearly . . . that hadn't worked. He should have done more to stop this. They should have dealt with Jaha before it was too late.

His eyes met hers when instructed to do so, the sincerity of her voice causing a ripple of . . . no. It wasn't him. It was the others. It was far more common for him to cause the death of others, not to save lives. But once again, that appreciation despite his unworthiness inevitably made its way through him. Because it was Raven. Because she wasn't a bull shitter. Because she said what she meant and didn't offer false words just for the sake of being kind. No. She was genuine. Honest. And for the first time since everything had gone to hell . . . he felt like he had some sort of ally. Undeserved. But he was only human. A human who craved some form of connection with someone; to desperately hope they weren't all severed. He slightly shook his head, looking away from her gaze as his own fell back to the task at hand. He was all bad. But he didn't debate her. If she didn't see it now, she would soon enough. Just like everyone else did.

When the topic shifted to her, he listened intently, raising his eyes to rest upon her face. It was better to talk about her; better to focus on her. The traumatic experience was not something that simply went away. Just because A.L.I.E was no longer inside of her, didn't mean she hadn't left her mark. "It's not insane," he immediately reassured her. "You've been through hell, Raven." In ways that no one else had. She had an AI possess her body. Her mind. Forced her to do things; harm herself, harm others. Raven was one of the strongest people Bellamy knew; one of the few that would ever be able to survive this. "Hey," he began to say, looking at her so that she would see the sincerity in his next words. "She's not going to get anywhere near you." His voice was determined, sure. He may not know anything about A.L.I.E but hell if he'd let that damn thing infect Raven again.

"Never again." She wanted Raven, but no one was going to let her have her again. "She left her mark on you Raven, but not cause she's still in there. It's cause no one would be able to quickly recover after what she put you through." Summarizing his earlier thoughts. He knew he could reassure her that A.L.I.E was no longer in there . . . but his words may not hold much meaning. Just like his actions which often now were futile. "What does your gut tell you?" He asked. "You've always had damn good instincts. What are they saying now?" Because all they could do was trust their gut; their own instincts. And perhaps, that would help assure Raven that A.L.I.E was no longer inside of her.

[cherry1]

Her eyes flickered up to his when he told her she wasn’t crazy for feeling this way without…her. It was reassuring to know he thought so. Perhaps he was right, maybe she just needed a little more time to get used to just being herself again. And not that mindless drone A.L.I.E ordered around. His assurances were appreciated but did little to tone down the paranoia that had settled within her. “My gut?” she scoffed. “Whole lot of good my instincts have done me lately.” Her instincts after all are what got her in this mess in the first place. Her weakness did this to them. She shouldn’t have listened to Jaha and taken that stupid pill. She should’ve just dealt with her pain like the rest of them.

“I couldn’t even hold her off for Abby and everyone else,” she looked away from him now. “I…I failed them.” She’d failed them the moment she took the so called key. Gena’s death it seemed had been the tipping point. What finally pushed her over the edge and into A.L.I.E.’s arms. It seemed so stupid now. But she couldn’t take it back. Just like she couldn’t take back those awful things she’d said to them. “All my instincts are telling me now is to stay alert.” Just in case. Because Raven couldn’t bare to cause them more pain than she already had. “I can’t even…close my eyes, because every single time I do…” She felt like a kid complaining about a nightmare. But there was really no other way to describe it. It had been a nightmare.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened intently when she spoke of how her instincts hadn't done much good. Bellamy could understand the temptation of taking the chip. While he hadn't been actively involved in the attempt to stop it -- Pike had delegated that to Abby -- maybe he should have. Maybe he should have tried harder to stop the spread of it; the epidemic that had infected so many of them. "You fought her off, Raven," he assured her. "If you hadn't fought, you'd probably be dead." With everything Raven had been through. She was a damn fighter. A survivor. "You did more than a lot of people would have been able to do." ALIE's possession was not something that would so soon leave his mind.

He couldn't even imagine how much it plagued Raven. "Hey," he said, he said, looking intently into her eyes, tilting his head where he needed to make sure Raven was looking at him. "You didn't fail anyone." Bellamy was not one to coddle any of the others. But he meant every damn word. "Except ALIE," he said with a slight tilt of his head and a faint smile, though lacking joviality. It was an attempt at a joke, as any means to help lighten the mood though it seemed impossibell under the circumstances. Though in this case, failing ALIE was definitely a good thing. With her wrists finished being re-bandaged, Bellamy took into account her next words. She needed to rest, but could completely understand her fear to.

He sat properly in front of her, starting to pull off his jacket. The blanket was already wrapped around her for warmth, but he wanted to offer her a pillow of sorts. He bunched up his jacket and gently placed it behind her head, leaning her back a little against the cave wall. "How about, I stay alert for you," he offered. Meaning, he would stay here, with her. Make sure nothing happened to her. Wake her if she seemed to be suffering from nightmares. "And, we can just talk." Not about ALIE. Not about what had recently happened . . . but something to distract her mind. With the hopes that Bellamy could lull her into sleep. But he wanted to know if she was up for it. If not, then he could just as easily sit here in silence . . . anything he could do to offer her some company, knowing how difficult it could be to be alone at a time like this. Drowning in fear and guilt.

[cherry1]

It was kindness in his eyes, not disgust or anger as she would have expected. Raven could hardly believe he could even stand looking at her after all the terrible things that she’d said. Yes, it had been A.L.I.E’s words, but they came from Raven’s lips, using Raven’s memories against them. The bitch. She wished she could believe him, find comfort in his words. But all she could fit in her head right now was anger and fear. Because she knew what A.L.I.E. was capable of. The manipulation, the pain, the…temptation she offered. She was quite possibly the biggest threat they’d ever faced, and Raven had given herself up freely because she was too weak to accept and deal with her own pain. A fact she couldn’t yet quite forgive herself for.

She offered some semblance of smile as Bellamy placed his jacket behind her head, too tired to argue against his gesture of kindness as she normally would. “Talk about what?” she half laughed. Neither of them were great at the whole casual small talk thing. “How we’re probably screwed? With the world being taken over by an egotistical psychotic bitch?” An A.I. no less. “Who knew this is what would get us in the end?” After surviving a nuclear war, hurtling to a radioactive planet in a tin can, the grounders and that goddamn mountain… “A computer program with a god complex…in killer heels,” she continued. “It’s like the start of crappy joke.” It would be funny if it wasn’t so horrifying.

Tag: Bellamy Blake