Gloom, Grief and Guilt

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

Niylah's father was not a great man. He wasn't a warrior, he wasn't selfless or heroic, but he was still a father. He had been everything to Niylah after her mother was taken from them. Keeping them afloat and keeping him from collapsing was Niylah's reason for taking on each day without the one woman she needed. Now he was gone. A call from the commander brought an army of warriors, peacekeepers, healers and Trikru to the front lines between Arkadia and anyone who would try to harm them. The people who stood between them were not all warriors. They were there to help Skaikru... her father had no choice.

After Niylah was saved by Skaikru she thought she could trust them. After her precious time with Bellamy she thought they were safe. She thought that she could rest easy knowing that an alliance was not far off, but just when she thought that Skaikru could truly be an ally, they rained fire down on her people. They killed innocents by the hundreds. No one was prepared. Niylah should have been there to protect her people in some way but she had to stay at the post. She had to stay while her father was cut down by warriors he was protecting. He was right. Skaikru couldn't be trusted. So, when the lights and the roar of a Skaikru vehicle cut through the night, Niylah armed herself. With a bitter and firm expression she pulled her grief stricken body from her bed and took hold of a long blade. With narrowed eyes she poured a quick douse of alcohol onto the blade and walked towards the entrance of the post. She saw only lights... there could be any number of them, with automatic weapons-- she didn't care.

As she opened the door, she passed the blade over a torch and set it ablaze while she looked at the vehicle. The door opened but the lights kept her blinded. "Leave!" she snarled; her voice hoarse and jagged. "Skaikru is not welcome here!" She didn't want to harm anyone. She did not want to kill anyone, but she would. Niylah would not let Skaikru walk over her home without her own pound of flesh. With her father gone, somebody had to be strong. Someone had to do what needed to be done. That somebody had to be her now. She couldn't be weak.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Pike was going too far. Bellamy could understand the need to expand and ensure their survival . . . but by killing villagers? No. That was not something Bellamy could condone or support. He had already tried to voice his disagreement with Pike, but the Chancellor was determined. Bellamy dind't want to overly defy him, knowing it would do no favors. What he could do was scout the areas himself, look at the land, find any excuse he could. Warning the villagers was not an option. All it would do was give them the chance to fortify, strengthen themselves, and retaliate.

Grounders would never go easy. They would end up dead -- or more Arkers would. Bellamy was not about to take that risk. His emergence from a council meeting however shifted his immediate priorities. The land that they were expanding to was familiar. Too familiar. It had been where Bellamy had once gotten caught in a horrible storm. A place where he had found shelter -- and so much more, in the company of a young woman. She had not been far from his mind. But he had known it was difficult, or not impossible, to see her again. Until now that is. They were going to claim that land to build their crops. Pike had already tested the soil. It was fertile, rich. Niylah's trade post fell into this area and she would undoubtedly be removed from it. Forcibly if necessary and well, it most probably was.

So that night, Bellamy informed them that he was going out on a patrol. He couldn't exactly discreetly take out the Rover after all. He fired it up and set off with one purpose in mind: to warn Niylah before it was too late. The drive wasn't long, and he didn't stop until he saw the trade post, parking close enough by as he turned off the car and stepped out. He saw her standing there, unwelcoming of Arkers which . . . was no surprise. It was to be expected really. And right now, she had a reason to considering the next group of Skaikru that would be coming in no more than two days time. "Niylah, it's me," he vocalized, holding up his hands to show he wasn't carrying any weapon as he slowly stepped forward, out of the shadow of the darkness and into a better lit area so she could see him. "Bellamy," he reminded. Just because he had thought of her often, didn't mean he expected the same.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

When Bellamy stepped into the light she nearly dropped her weapon. The only thing keeping it in her hand was the need to defend what was left of her father. This post. If she treated Bellamy any different that made her weak. He was Skaikru. Still, seeing him made her heart leap and for a moment she wanted to go to him. Truthfully she missed him... She could let go of her new found hatred for Skaikru for him, but she knew her father would never understand that. Niylah's feelings always clouded her judgement. "I said Skaikru is not welcome here, Bellamy," she replied in an emotionless voice. She'd never known a time where her voice was so hollow; so void of emotion yet hoarse from it too. "Go back to Arkadia where you belong." All she could think about was the field of corpses that littered the ground between the forest and their camp. The smell had been rancid while she looked through the corpses... 

"My father is dead. He was sent to protect you and he was slaughtered for it," She lowered the blade but her voice was harsh. Violence had never been her way, but that didn't mean she could let her anger go unspoken. "You killed an army that was there to keep you safe!" She didn't mean him honestly. She didn't think he could have anything to do with it. Niylah didn't think that he was capable of that. She meant his people, but he was the only one there. "They did NOTHING to deserve it!! They weren't even all warriors!" Her grip tightened on the blade as she walked towards him; eyes narrowed. "Skaikru is not welcome here anymore, Bellamy. You need to go."

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Something had changed. Bellamy didn't advance too close toward her. Something had definitely changed. It wasn't until she elaborated that he understood exactly what it was. His jaw clenched with the emotion -- the realization that her father had been among those slaughtered on the battle field. He had done it to protect his people, as that army was just as likely to attack them than they were to protect them. Besides, Grounders had never offered them protection before . . . and yet, they were supposed to just trust Lexa. No. Bellamy couldn't entirely regret his actions there, however, nor did he want them to have cost Niylah the life of someone she loved. Her father.

He had never thought to be confronted with someone who had a loved one. And now knowing of all people, it was Niylah . . . it made that guilt strong in his heart. That her father had to be among the many causalities in this on going war. "I'm so sorry, Niylah," he said, his words sincere, thick with emotion. "I . . . had to protect my people." Based on her words, his involvement in the wiping out of the army was no secret. "We couldn't trust them." They didn't do it without reason. Bellamy had gone with Pike; he had made that decision.

After losing so many of their people . . . Bellamy couldn't bare the thought of remaining idle and just hoping that this time would be different than all the rest of the times the Grounders had agreed to do something and then betrayed them. But left now with this confrontation with Niylah . . . left Bellamy far more emotional about the circumstances and events than he ever thought possible. Especially as he had shared such an intimate night with her; not something that was so quickly forgotten. "I'm sorry," he repeated, taking another small, almost hesitant step toward her . . . unsure if she would let him near. And hoped that she would; for the sake of her own safety.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

"I had to protect my people," he said. The hit her ears like bullets, leaving her breathless with a furious and pained lump in her throat that she didn't know how to clear. She didn't know he was involved. She hadn't thought him capable of killing innocents, but she was wrong. He could have been the one to kill her father, and he wouldn't even have known. His blood could very well be on Bellamy's hands, and here he was standing in front of her father's home, trying to apologize for potentially ending his life.  "By slaughtering mine!?" She snarled at him as she approached. She couldn't help her reaction. It was primal, but a small part of her; the part that knew she didn't want to harm him, dropped the blade in her hand before striking him. She hit him once; blindly- slapping him across the face. The hit could have been harder, had she been more focused. She shoved him against the rover with a growl and pinned him there with her arm.

When she moved to strike him again, her closed fist hit the side of the vehicle instead; right beside his head. "You could have been the one who killed him!" she cried with a growl. She punched the glass-- but it was more like punching the metal. Her father would want her to hurt him. Strangle him. Cut him. Jus drein jus daun. She shoved him again and pulled away; wincing as she held her hand to her chest. Blood must have blood-- it was their way. It was how she was raised, and Bellamy spilled his share. "I can't believe... how could you be involved in something like this..." her voice was quieter now as she backed away from him. All she could see was the aftermath of the genocide. Did they know how many mothers and fathers they took? How many sons and daughters they slayed simply out of paranoia? She couldn't help the tears, so she didn't fight them. She wiped them away bitterly while her stomach churned. She hoped that Bellamy would just leave. 

For the second time that day the grief took its toll. Her stomach lurched and she grabbed a wooden pillar for support as her body expelled everything her stomach contained. She shivered from the sheer intensity of the sickness and found herself kneeling in the dirt, chest heaving as she gasped for air. She couldn't handle this... She couldn't handle any of this. Niylah couldn't deal with anymore pain or loss.... knowing Bellamy was even a part of it killed her. More than that she hated the forced perspective she had to gain... Yes. With one command that army would have overtaken Arkadia and she couldn't blame them for seeing an army as a threat-- but she didn't WANT to think that way! How would a Trikru village react to an army of guns waiting outside their homes? "Why did you come here!?" she yelled furiously as she moved to sit with her back against the post. She was trying to recollect herself, even as she cried. 

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She hadn't known. She hadn't know his involvement in the death of the army. Ten people to kill 300. She hadn't known. And he had now been the one to tell her. He wondered if he could have truly kept it from her . . . but the idea was irrelevent. She knew. He felt his heart ache at her reaction. It was completely understandable and there was nothing he could do to comfort her. Quite the opposite in fact. He was the reason for her pain . . . and that was perhaps what hurt more than anything else. He was so accustomed to seeing and experiencing first hand the hostility of Grounders.

All of those he had crossed paths, obsessed with war; keen to betray them. Niylah had been the first, if not only -- with the exception of Lincoln -- that Bellamy had not seen act as such. Her father could have killed their people if given the chance . . . but the fact of the matter, was that she wouldn't have. As proven now, for even in her anger toward her . . . she did not draw a weapon to claim any revenge. Instead, he felt the sharp sting of her hand strike across his face. Well deserved; not nearly enough. His head remained to the side, processing this action . . . processng everything that she told him. Her father was dead; and he could have very well been the one to kill her. He slowly turned his head to look at her once again, unable to bear her state. He felt the threat of tears sting her eyes, yet were only a mere glisten -- for the time being.

"Niylah . . . " Her name uttered like a breath, deep, emotional . . . left unfinished because well, what was there left to possibly say? If the situation were reversed, he would be livid. He deserved so much worse from her . . . and yet she didn't seem like she was going to exact revenge. He didn't deserve that. He deserved so much worse; he always had. His eyes fell to her hand that she had used to strike the glass, wishing he could take a look at it. But he knew what it was like for the physical pain to be numbed by any emotional, internal one. He had really screwed this up. Her last question was all he had the heart to respond to. The reason he was here. He couldn't justify his actions without generalizing her people; without bringing to surface all the times Grounders had wronged his people.

All the times they had killed them. And this, was the first time they had made the attack, rather than merely waited to defend themselves. But how could he tell that to a grieving daughter? He couldn't. He couldn't stand here and justify his actions. Not when he saw the pain in her face. Not when right now . . . she wasn't a Grounder. She was a woman that he had orphaned; a woman who's father he had killed. Just like he had killed so many others on the Ark. Just like he had killed so many others in Mount Weather. There were no words that could make this better. Only heartache and . . . he was the reason she was hurting. "You're not safe here," he finally managed to get out, focusing on that . . . because he could articulate it.

He could give reason to why he was here. Unlike the reason he had gone with Pike to wipe out the army. "My people are looking to expand. Your home is on their path. They'll . . . force you to leave." Surely she would know what he meant by that. Force her to leave, or kill her to ensure she stayed gone. He just couldn't bring himself to actually suggest the latter, even if it was the more likely possibility. "I came here to warn you." Not that it made a difference now, since she must hate him. And, rightfully so. He deserved it. He deserved her anger and . . . vengeance should she so wish to claim it.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

Niylah stayed in her place, sitting on the ground with her back against a hitching post as she processed Bellamy's warning. She ran the back of her sleeve over her mouth to erase the evidence of her grief stricken sickness and tried to understand why they were doing this. She had thought peace was close... the coalition would ensure that Skaikru and Trikru were one with each other-- protected and respected by one another not as simply allies but as equals. Her father always said that Niylah was a dreamer. She sniffled and wiped away her tears with the dirt stained palm of her hand and looked up at Bellamy. Her eyes were not defiant and she didn't take his warning as a threat, but instead she looked up at him with disbelief. "Your people," she said with a small frown. "You kill an army of innocents who did nothing to deserve it, and now you want to destroy our homes and slaughter more innocents for the sake of expansion?" Niylah scoffed with anger and looked away from him and instead at her home.

"That is all I have, Bellamy. This land, this home and everything in it cannot simply be moved. It's my home. Where else am I supposed to go?" She couldn't defend this place alone against Arkadia. She never thought she would have to. She had fought of Azgeda before the coalition, but an army of armed soldiers with guns and vehicles that could mow down her little post with no effort was more difficult than a squabble with an Azgeda scout. "You think Trikru are the monsters; sometimes we are, but what your people are planning to do is an atrocity. It'll be met with resistance, and more blood will be on your hands." She pulled herself up carefully and wrapped her arm around her aching stomach. "Families will never leave their homes-- so you will kill them and their children. Then you'll tear down their lives for the sake of your own gain. To me, that's monstrous." Her face was red and hot beneath the cool sheen of sweat from the illness. There had never been a time in her life where she had been more furious... "The coalition would have opened trade with your people-- but I see your kind prefer to take what they want with force." 

Holding her hand close, Niylah stared at Bellamy for a long and quiet moment. She thought he was different for some idiotic reason. She thought Skaikru was different. "If you want my home you'll have to take it. I'm not leaving. You'll just have to learn to live with my blood on your hands as well." The words tasted bitter on her tongue. She'd spent so long trying to convince Bellamy that he was a hero; that he was a good person and he deserved to see himself that way... but grief and anger clouded her words. Though she didn't speak angrily, she knew that the words held their weight. 

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy continued to listen. Continued to hold his tongue. Killing innocents . . . that was something the Grounders knew all about. His people had been targeted since the day they arrived. They had been at war, fighting the grounders for so long now. Bellamy was tired of it. All he wanted was to live, not to survive. Yet once again, they had waged -- or continued -- this war with what they did at Mount Weather. They had lost nearly fifty of their people because of it. They, were innocent as well. But despite that, Bellamy's objective wasn't targeting villagers and families like this. The army was a different matter. Killed or be killed. But actively seeking out small villages and forcing people from their homes . . . it was not exactly what Bellamy stood for.

Yet, he couldn't openly defy the Chancellor as well. Pike was already having enough issues with Kane, and Bellamy could be of no help to anyone if he was locked up. "This isn't what I want," he admitted, his voice continuing to hold that unwavering sincerity. "I don't, want to go after villagers and take their land." It was never about wanting to do something; but needing to. Yet even this . . . was extreme. Just like killing the wounded on the battlefield. Leave no one alive, otherwise they would come back for revenge. The logic was sound, but Bellamy's conscience didn't exactly let him get away with it. Even if there was rational thought behind the actions. "I can't stop this." People seemed to believe that Bellamy held the power to stop it; to completely alter Pike's mind. He didn't. Not in his own eyes or mind anyway.

"I wish . . . it didn't have to come to this. But your people, started this war. He tried for peace and . . . " It resulted in the death of 300 innocent people. "Pike won't stop. He is determined to ensure the survival of our people and, that includes these lands." Expansion for crops. It was logical, but at the same time . . . extreme. Just like past actions. Which was what brought Bellamy here, right now, to her front door. With slight caution and hesitancy, he took a step toward her, doubting she would be welcome of the advance but did so none the less.

"I can't live with that," he told her, when she spoke of how he would have to live with her blood on his hands. Not her blood. His eyes, his tone, held that of pleading. Silently begging her not to do this; not to fight his people on this. He feared the result. "Please." He couldn't bear this. "I have the blood of so many on my hands already. Don't make me have yours too. I can't." Because he cared about her, more deeply than he should. More deeply than he did any other he had bedded. Something about that night had always stuck with him. Enough to prompt him to come here and warn her; get her out of this place before any harm came upon her. And all he could do now, was beg her not to try and resist.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

Her people were hostile, but respected the alliance that had been set upon them, still she couldn't argue. If the order to eradicate Arkadia had come, it would be done immediately. Every man woman and child would be dead by the end of the night and it was hard to defend her people knowing that was what they were capable of. She didn't want to have to. She lost her father. Yet still she was forced into seeing it from both sides. It was a trait that she loathed just as much as she needed it. "We were trying for peace," she said quietly. "We would have had it," her words were empty; void of emotion yet still blindly hopeful for something that would never happen. She knew that now. If not her people, than their people. Somebody would always cast the first stone. The realization had her defeated. What the hell was the point in any of this? One or the other would come out on top and she didn't want to live in a world like that anyway. Truth be told, the death of her father gave her quite a bleak outlook. It was new to Niylah. She'd never been one to be hopeless.

When Bellamy told her he couldn't have her blood on his hands she looked up at him with her lips pressed together tightly. "I'm not leaving, Bellamy. This is my home. I will die here, if it comes to that." Another wave of nausea hit but she worked to fight it. Tensions were so tight... it was sickening. That was the only explanation. She couldn't yell anymore. She wasn't sure what else to say... Seeing it from both sides didn't make it less painful. It just made it harder to stay angry. Anger was so much easier than grief. "I'm glad you thought enough of me to warn me-- considering your hatred for my people." She flinched at her own bitterness, truthfully exhausted by the aggression. "It means something to me-- I just... Really thought that you wouldn't be a part of it." The rush of emotion was making it hard to even stand. Unsteadily she turned to walk back to the post where she held onto the doorframe tightly to try to steady herself. She was torn by the loss and the feelings she felt for Bellamy. He saved her life... It was a hard thing to forget. 

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

They were trying for peace. And yet, it was always at the expense of the Arkers. It was always his people, who had to give something up for that. "Like last time?" He questioned, somewhat rhetorically. They tried for peace last time, and it had cost the lives of hundreds of people. Including Finn's. Why was this time so different? What had caused the others to suddenly trust Lexa and believe that she wouldn't betray them again? Bellamy slightly shook his head. "We tried for peace before, and it cost us so much. I wasn't willing to lose more of our people." Mount Weather marked so many deaths, not only for the innocent residents of it, but now, for the Arkers too -- though hardly in comparison.

She then remained determined in her decision not to leave, claiming that she would die here if it came to that. No. It wouldn't. He wouldn't let it. He had come prepared but was not going to use it just yet. He still had time to convince her. But he wasn't above using drastic measures to protect her. Just like he had done in the past with Octavia. His jaw clenched with emotion at her next words. Hatred for her people. She wasn't entirely wrong; but his hatred was geared toward those who were a legitimate threat. Warriors. People who were likely to kill them. Who had killed them. "I had no choice. I need to do whatever it takes to protect my people. And . . . right now, it's protecting them from yours." The two drastically opposing sides. Enemies at war.

He didn't want this. He didn't want to fight. But, he needed to. Because the alternative would only result in death. He watched the way she moved toward the door, hardly able to steady herself, and concern flickered over him. Was it just because of this revelation of his involvement? Or was there something else? He took a few more steps toward her, unable to leave her in such a state . . . though considering the possibility that he was only going to make it worse. "Are you ok?" He asked, not necessarily meaning emotionally -- for he knew she wasn't. But the open question left room to reveal whether there was something else going on. "I can't leave you like this Niylah," he added on, vocalizing his earlier thoughts, taking another couple steps closer to her.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

Niylah let his words sink in but she didn't respond. She hated the hostility and the violence. All Niylah wanted was for it to be over and her father believed that would happen when Skaikru was gone. It was his hatred for Skaikru that made her understand Bellamy's concerns. He would have been all too happy to attack if the order had come but she didn't want to think about it. Seeing her father and her people as the villains only made everything harder. When he voiced his concern, Niylah took a slow breath and waved her hand dismissively as she walked back into the post. "I'm ill, Bellamy. Grief affects everyone differently." She felt him take steps towards her and her entire body stiffened. Another confliction. He could have killed her father and yet he still showed concern.

"Stop it Bellamy... You can leave me like this and you will. I could have been in that army." She very well could have but somebody had to stay with the post, and her father wanted to be there. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that her father wanted things to escalate. He must have wanted a fight and foreseen the same thing that Bellamy knew would happen. It was hard to stay angry. Niyah was hurt more than anything. She turned around when she was able to lean against the counter and watched him as he approached. It made her sick that she had missed him so much. "I'm just not feeling well... It will pass. You don't need to stay," She was sure he would try to convince her to go, but there was no way she was leaving the post. They would sack it and steal from her when they came. She wasn't going to leave it unguarded for easy access. It was everything she had.

"I understand why you did it. That doesn't make it okay." Her voice was void of emotion and flat as she tried to get out what she needed to say. "None of this is okay... Not what my people have done to yours or what your people have done to mine-- I just want it all to be over. I thought it was over."

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Her evident illness was what kept him here; what kept him in her presence. Feeling it was impossible to leave her in such a state, knowing that she was alone. Fearful that his people may deviate from the original plan and come earlier than anticipated. He would rather be caught here as a traitor, than have any harm befall her. Or well, any harm that had already been caused to her. She protested his presence, but he stayed, inching closer to her, cautiously . . . as if ready for her to shove him away. He knew he deserved that. But at the same time, he was rather used to others loathing his actions.

Others placing the blame at his feet. Yet Niylah . . . while having every right to be infuriated with him, wasn't. Instead, she spoke of how she understood, but that it didn't make it ok. It truly showed the strength of her heart. To be able to do something that not many could: see it from both perspectives. It made him more drawn to her, and more pained over the loss she had to suffer. He couldn't exactly say he regretted destroying an army that could have destroyed them . . . but he did regret the pain it had caused her. An odd juxtaposition that he couldn't explain. "I had hoped it was," he finally said, responding to her latter spoken words of how she had had wanted all this to be over.

But Bellamy had never believed that it had been, not even during the ceasefire when their people believed this was true peace. It hadn't been. Only a prolonged period of apparent peace . . . until the first strike was made. He knew that continuing the conversation about it was not helping her get any better. Her grief stricken state was clearly taking a toll on her health. "Will you at least let me stay long enough to make sure you're ok?" Allow him to care for her, where no one else was present to do so. He had his selfish reasons, but the priority was her health. Her safety. Her well being. He moved closer until she was within reach, as he slowly extended a hand, gently placing it on her shoulder -- fully prepared for rejection. "Let me make sure you're ok." The repeated words now turned into a plea rather than question.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

Niylah gave Bellamy a defeated sort of smile. He hoped. That was all that could be done until a stone was cast. Anxiety, insecurity and fear always drove a stone in one direction or another. Someone always made the first move and people always got hurt. They weren't different. Niylah wasn't even above it all. Had she been in that army when an order to attack came she would have obeyed. Now there was nothing more to say. The guilt was so heavy Niylah could feel it in the room like a looming presence, but Bellamy was always filled with guilt. Even if Niylah was still furious, there was nothing that she could say or do to Bellamy that he hadn't done to himself. She took a long drink from a cup of water to clear her throat just as Bellamy rested his hand on her shoulder. Niylah couldn't help the reaction she had-- she stiffened and shoved it off before turning around sharply to stare at him.

"Ge yun meika hos of ai." Her words were so instinctive she spoke them in her own tongue. Get your hand off me. -- Don't touch me... She'd swiped at his hand so hard she had a momentary lapse and hoped she didn't hurt him. She swallowed hard and looked down at his hand for a very long moment as her feet shuffled with unease. "Why do you care?" she asked finally as she looked up at him. "I can't understand why you care so much about me and my wellbeing..." She couldn't trust him even when she wanted to most. "Is it a hero complex? You saved me once so now you think you have to keep doing it?" She put down the glass heavily and looked up at him with a hard gaze. "I am not your people. You have no reason to save me or to protect me. I am Trikru, you are Skaikru. Protect one of the Skaikru girls you've lain with. It'll be less complicated than this." She didn't mean to sound so harsh, but she'd never felt like this. How could she still have feelings for this broken man even after what he had done?

"I missed you-- and now I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about you..." She shook her head as she spoke and pushed her hair back from her face. "I care about you; but I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about you anymore Bellamy..."

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy wasn't completely fluent in Trigedasleng. He knew a few key words and phrases. He couldn't piece together everything she said, but based on the tone and the way she pushed his hand away . . . he could get the context of it. He lowered his hand to his side, not entirely surprised by the reaction. She had every right to be angry with him and yet, he still wasn't able to just accept that this was it. Perhaps it was for them in terms of . . . whatever it was they had. But he wouldn't leave until he knew she was safe -- even if he had to be the one to forcibly remove her. She asked him why he cared, and just remained silent, listening to her, mentally prepared for anything she could throw at him. There was nothing, no insult, no source of blame that he hadn't heard before. Her question and confusion was understandable. Why did he care. How did he explain it?

How could he explain that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about her? That something they shared that night, was stronger than anyone else he had been with. But . . . it wasn't the fact that they slept together that had brought him here. She was innocent. She wasn't a warrior, she wasn't interjecting herself in this war against their people. She was just a civilian who was going to become a casualty of this war. She didn't deserve that. And yet, expressing all this was more difficult than merely thinking or feeling it. Her words continued, each like daggers at him, but he deserved it. Of course he did. A hero complex. It wouldn't be the first time that such a term was thrown about. Some of his own people hated him for what he had done. Of course the Grounders would feel the same way. But that wasn't what this was about. It was her next words that caused him to swallow, a faltering in his stoic expression as a flicker of something -- he wasn't even sure what -- crossed his gaze.

He remained composed but he knew that his eyes were indicating his failure to keep his emotions from surfacing. How did he tell her that he hadn't been with another since her? That he felt something that he shouldn't for her. She missed him? She cared about him? He wasn't even certain the last time he had heard such words. To hear someone vocalize their care for him. It touched him in the core of his heart, in a way that he didn't deserve. Silence followed all that she said, as he was attempting to sort out his emotions. Trying to find the right words to say when there were none. He couldn't justify himself to her. "I missed you too," he said, taking another small step toward her. "I care about you too." His words thick with sincerity, as he took yet another small step toward the woman before him. The one that he was making such admittances to. "You shouldn't feel anything for me," he told her truthfully, conceding to all that she said. Agreeing with it. He wasn't worthy of his affections, and he knew that.

"And I'm not going to make this any harder on you." Despite the overwhelming urge to pull her into his arms, at offer some form of physical comfort. But how could he do that when he had contributed to the source of her pain? "But I do care. I care about what happens to you." Words she had first asked, and ones that he couldn't quite explain. "It's not about being a hero, Niylah. It's about . . . you." Her. Who she was. "And I can't . . . bear the thought of something happening to you." Because of his people. Their past made it personal for him. But her innocence was there whether they lay together or not. "I've already killed so many innocent people." Mount Weather residents. Children. "I can't let anything happen to you too." Which was why he was here.

Her father, was with that army. That army, was just as likely to kill them. Niylah had nothing to do with that war. And she shouldn't be dragged into it just because she had a conveniently placed trade post. He couldn't even admit that he considered her someone he needed to protect; one of his own, at least in his heart. He wasn't even certain how to address her remark, without revealing the truth about how he hadn't been able to be with another after her . . . because of how she had filled his thoughts. How he had longed to see her again. It was so odd, and impossible to find any rational thought to. Bellamy hadn't come where with the hopes of being with her. Only with the hope that she would let him help her. Finding the joy of companionship, of being with someone who he cared about and who could care for him . . . was not for those who were worthless. Such a joy was not for him. It never had been. And never would be.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

He took steps towards her, but Niylah didn't move away. She couldn't with her back against the counter, but she didn't shove him or make any move to stop his advance but instead she held his gaze. She listened to him- even if what he was saying only made things that much harder. She wanted to hear them... She wanted him to care about her as much as she cared about him and Niylah knew how wrong and twisted that was. Her father's blood could very well be on his hands and yet here she was with him in her home. Everything he said made her heart swell... they were words she fantasized about not long ago. She waited for him, wondering if he would ever return but when her father died it was easy to cover all those feelings with grief and anger. They were feelings that she couldn't hold onto. Niylah wasn't that kind of person, but letting go and moving forward felt like she was betraying her father. He would be so disappointed...

"Bellamy," she mumbled under her breath as she reached out to take the hand that she had shoved away in hers. Her grip was loose, though she knew he wouldn't pull away. "There is so much... I want to say, but I don't know how." She swallowed the lump in her throat bitterly as she looked down at his hand. Slowly her thumb caressed him, but now she couldn't look up. "My blood won't be on your hands," she said after a moment. It was her own way of apologizing for saying such a thing. "I want to stop hurting." She wasn't sure how to explain that she wanted to shed the grief and move forward but there was no way to do that. She wasn't even sure time would be powerful enough to do that. "I feel... guilty even having you here..." Her hand tightened in case he took that as her telling him to leave. She didn't even think about the action. As she drew in a slow breath she let go of his hand to wrap her arms around his neck loosely. The tips of her fingers found their place in his thick curls.

"Please... don't be a part of the expansion." She couldn't forgive it. There was no way that she could forgive him if he had any part of pushing forward and ruining the lives of innocents. There were no warriors left. "Please." She wanted to forgive him, or at least to move on. She needed this grief to subside, but the idea of him actively fighting against those who could barely fight back... "Promise me you won't have anything to do with it." Her eyes were fixated on his, reading him as always. He had to understand... 

OWL