Gloom, Grief and Guilt

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

all  i  wanted

WAS TO PROTECT MY PEOPLE

Something in her tone had shifted. Further evident by the way she took his hand. Reaching out, touching him in a gesture that seemed so tender. A gesture that he didn't deserve, yet selfishly basked. Just as he was doing in her company. His eyes watched her hand, the warmth of it touching what was left of her soul. He hadn't felt this alive since . . . the last time he was with her. She just seemed to have that affect on him. And it wasn't right; it wasn't fair, with the heartache and pain he had caused her. He wanted to ask her to tell him all she had to say; to open herself up. But . . . why should she? He had hurt her. His actions had played a part in claiming the life of her father. He disagreed though; her blood would most certainly be on his hands.

Despite the frequency of it, he never could grow accustomed to have more blood on his conscience. He was bathing in it. Drowning in it. Niylah's would be the one that actually claimed his life, should he just idly let this happen. He couldn't argue with her though, knowing that she was too kind hearted, too good natured to make him think that it would be his own fault. Just as was proven during their first conversation, when she tried to alleviate that guilt from him. The sincerity of her voice, the gentleness . . . she was a truly remarkable woman that he didn't deserve the kindness of. Not even the company of. She wanted to stop hurting . . . she felt guilty of him being here. He didn't want her to feel guilty; he never wanted her to experience such a tormenting emotion. But nor was he making any move to leave.

His eyes finally met hers when she wrapped her arms around him, her fingers in his hair, a welcome and comforting sensation. What was he doing. How could he do this to her? If nothing else, it fueled his self loathing . . . for he only hurt the people he cared about. Niylah was continued proof of that. Her suggestion continued to leave him silent. The ask of a promise, that he would not partake in the expansion. He didn't say anything right away. Instead, his eyes fell to her lips for a moment, his tongue running over his own as if to moisten them, to see if that would help him find the words. "I can't stop it," he admitted to her. Whether he was a part of it or not, it was going to happen. Pike was Chancellor, elected Chancellor, and he was going to do what he felt was in the best interest of his people. "But I could try to help control it." Just as he was doing now by warning her. He couldn't warn everyone, but perhaps . . . he could ensure no one got killed.

If it were up to Hannah and the others who so devotedly followed Pike, then they would not hesitate in shooting a Grounder -- even if they were not a warrior. Even if it was someone like Niylah. Bellamy leaned forward, as if to kiss her, but fought the overwhelming sensation. He didn't want to put her through that. He didn't want to condemn her by forcing himself on her, by letting his own emotions be a selfish priority. She was the priority. And being with him wouldn't help her. Not at all. He only hurt people. Instead, he just rested his forehead against hers, breathing in her scent, taking in the feeling of the close contact they now held. His hand casually rest on her waist, as he closed his eyes only for a moment.

"I don't want you to hurt anymore." And he meant it. He had brought this pain upon her . . . and he wished he could just as easily take it away. "I'm sorry." For everything he had done. For everything he had let happen. Words he had said before, but they were more intensely spoken. More emotional. How could she not hate him. She should want to kill him. It was no less than what he deserved. Hell, his own sister looked at him with more hatred than Niylah did. It made him all too aware that he should stay away from her. His mind told him he should, but his heart kept him rooted in place. It was clear which aspect of him was winning this conflicting battle.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

He would try. She knew he would, but it would still happen. If she took this information to the surrounding villages when Bellamy left, she knew that it wouldn't save them... Trikru would not abandon their homes, just as she wouldn't. The war would bring on more casualties and Bellamy could even get hurt in the process. Why do you care. She thought to herself. It was a bitter voice that chimed the thought- one that didn't belong there. Her father would despise her for this... Every move she made with her fingers coursing through his hair as his forehead rested against hers was a disgrace to him and his memory. It was a disgrace to everything she was taught, but she couldn't hurt Bellamy. Love may have been too strong a word, but there was some kind of deep rooted connection she felt to him. In a way it was stronger than any love she'd felt, but it was different. It was an emotion without a title, as all strong emotions were. Indescribable and impossible to snuff out with anger. It was stronger than her grief.

"I know you are," she said gently when he apologized. Her hands moved down the span of his neck and over his shoulders. "I know you're sorry..." She couldn't say that it was okay and she wouldn't say that she had forgiven him, even if that was what he wanted to hear. She couldn't imagine he would expect her to forgive him so quickly, but she knew she had to acknowledge the apology this time. "You did what you thought was right. You always do," she murmured. People like him were always sorry-- always trying to do what was best and always trying to protect the people they cared about. It was easy to forget the people they ruined along the way. Bellamy was one of those selfless people who always tried to do the right thing-- and this time Niylah was hurt by his actions. It could have been anyone else. She didn't forgive him- but she understood. It was impossible to put her feelings into words. 

Despite all the thoughts telling her that it was wrong, Niylah was driven by the need to eliminate that pain the only way she knew how. Her hands moved from his shoulders to cup his face in her hands and slowly she kissed him. It was softer; less needy than their first kiss. Instead of hot and desperate this one was slow and smoldering. Her tongue traced his lip as her body instinctively pressed closer to his... It was difficult to block out the pain. It was nearly impossible, but even with what he had done, that deep rooted connection was stronger. The bond was more powerful than the grief and the fear combined and right now it was what she needed. No more apologies... Niylah just needed to know that she wasn't alone now.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

all  i  wanted

WAS TO PROTECT MY PEOPLE

Her words continue to make his heart ache with the undeserved understanding . . . as well as the longing for her to see him as anything but a monster. This was more than any of his own people had given him. People, who he would die for without a moment's hesitation, but people who now looked at him like he was the enemy. Those he was closest to, were most disgusted by him. But not Niylah. Where as she, had more of a right than anyone else to loathe him. To hate him. To cast him out. To reject him. But she didn't. How could he pull himself away from her, when she always proved to be such an incredible person.

A piece of heaven in this world of hell. His sanctuary. He was unworthy of it of course, but that made it even harder to part from her company. Right now, it wasn't about their people; it wasn't about Skaikru and Trikru, or Arker and Grounder. It was just about them. The two of them. Bellamy and Niylah. And that was what perhaps kept him so grounded in this moment. Unable to depart her warm company. He wanted to protest and tell her, remind her that she should hate him.

 But he was greedy. Basking in the comfort of her touch. A touch he had not experienced . . . since the last time he was in her warm embrace. He couldn't bring himself to say something; he wouldn't dare ruin this moment though he should. She deserved so much better. The difficulty proved to be an impossibility when she cupped his face and leaned toward him, her graceful lips touching his. Bellamy slowly closed his eyes and for the first time since the last they were together . . . he felt like he could breathe again. Truly breathe.

His own hands wrapped around her, holding her securely in his arms as he returned the kiss. He titled his head a little to the side to gain a better angle, gently slipping his tongue between her lips to drink in her delicious taste. This wasn't as heated as the last time, but it was filled with emotion. After everything . . . she kissed him. And he could feel it, right to whatever was left of his heart and soul.

But then, he had felt it the last time too. This time in particular it was different; because she had every right to hate him. The fear of losing her -- not just physically, but emotionally -- made him deepen the kiss further, breathing into it, terrified of ever letting go. His hand slid up her clothed back, not daring to start removing any layers. This wasn't about that. It was about so much more. And the fact that he wasn't trying to undress her . . . showed the significance of this moment. He had never been with someone on such an emotional level.

It wasn't fair to her for him to demand it now. But whatever they had, whatever this bond was . . . seemed stronger than even his own self loathing. Easing out of the kiss, he breathed against her, feeling his heart beat so heavily in his chest. The effect a single person could have on him, was never experienced to this extent before. His hand went to her cheek, gently caressing her soft skin with his thumb as he just gazed at her; memorizing every detail of her face. "Mochof," be practically breathed. The words holding a deeper meaning than just a simple statement of gratitude. He was thanking her for, everything. For giving him something that his own people didn't. With the words whispered, he leaned forward again to capture her lips, kissing her deeply, ardently . . . allowing every emotion he felt for her, pour into the embrace of their locked lips.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: @tag GOES HERE

Niylah couldn't help leaning into him and pressing her body against the length of his. Distance was painful in a way, but having him close made it easier to breathe. He hurt her, but that didn't make his presence toxic as it should have. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this way about anyone... His touch sparked warmth across the span of her back and though he didn't move her shirt aside she could feel him as if there was nothing between them. The heat of him was contagious and warmed her... It surrounded her with comfort that she'd been desperate for. Emotions swirled in her chest as her lips moved against his; exploring him all over again. When he pulled away, she couldn't help tightening her arms around him. She clung to him... Though he didn't say much, she understood the thanks. She nodded lightly, barely  before he kissed her again. Her hands moved to his hair; knotting into it as she arched against him and deepened the kiss. 

Slowly, keeping her hands nestled in his curls she backed up towards her room. She kept him close with every step she took-- unwilling to break the kiss. Having him back, despite all that had happened, seemed too good to be true. In a way it was. Could she not just have him? He would need to leave and head back to Arkadia soon enough. Where would she go if she listened to him? She didn't have anywhere else... So for now she savored this moment. As she let her hands trail down his back, they wrapped around the edge of his shirt and pulled it over his head. She kissed along his jaw; drawing a breath and breathing him in as her lips traveled down and over his shoulder. Passion drove her as her hands took in every inch of his muscular torso. Blindly she mapped him out; remembering how his bare skin felt against hers. How could he make her feel so secure and so hungry after everything? After it all... -- The only reason her hunger stopped so abruptly wasn't because of the guilt or grief. A twist of nausea interrupted her again and she pulled back just as quickly as she'd taken off his shirt.

"Wait-" she mumbled, knowing he wasn't the one who was setting the pace. She pushed her way back out of the room towards her door where her stomach lurched again. This time there was nothing left to throw up-- but the nausea was still there. Her chest tightened and she let out a groan of frustration. Whatever she had, it had gone on too long. For days. "I'm sorry," she muttered as she crossed her arm over her stomach and leaned against the wall. "I'm alright-- it just... comes and goes. It's been... a long day." More like, an interesting night. Too many emotions... Too much pressure.

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

all  i  wanted

WAS TO PROTECT MY PEOPLE

It was so easy to forget all else when he was with her. To ignore the world; to pretend like nothing else matter . . . nothing else existed. THe way her lips moved against his, reignited that familiar passion he had for her the first night they had found comfort in each other's arms. She had saved his life then, and in so many ways, she was saving him now in a deeper, more emotional way. It was quite clear that his surpassed any mere physical relation, and that the bond went more deep than that.

It scared him. Scared him for her sake. Now knowing that he had already been what killed her father. What if she was harmed too because of him. But such thoughts were not surfacing right now; pushed back in his mind for the time being to join all his other perpetual thoughts of self hatred, guilt, and burdens of failures. In this moment, right now, he was only allowing himself to feel: feel her. Her body pressed against his, and her hands moving along him. It felt incredible. As if everywhere she touched, she was bringing him back to life.

He felt her begin to lift his shirt and his arms moved accordingly to help it off. Part of him wanted to reach for her own immediately and just as hastily remove it, but he showed restraint. For now. He had moved with her when she went toward a familiar setting: her bedroom. And his heart beat with anticipation. He didn't deserve the privilege of being with her. But nor was he strong enough to object. He wanted her. He needed her. His eyes closed, a heavy slow breath escaping him when her lips moved over his jaw to his shoulder. His hand trailed up her back, tangling his fingers in her long locks of hair, as his tongue ran over his lips. Once moist, he could no longer leave them idle, nestling his head against the crook of her neck as he kissed the flawless feature in a path along the planes of it. All the ways he wanted to show her how much he cared about her.

Where words failed him, he now longed for actions to compensate. His hands inched toward the bottom of her shirt capturing her in another fervent kiss, when she suddenly pulled away. Was it his near removal of her shirt? He quickly regained his wits about him, his eyes opening as he watched her. Had he moved too quickly? Had she realized how undeserving he was of her? The discomfort of descending unfulfilled was nothing compared to the fear of what this meant for them. He was so damn selfish, wanting her . . . unworthy of her. She told him that she was alright, but Bellamy instinctively took a few steps toward her, uncaring about his current state of undress because his priority was her.

"Don't be." He was quick to exempt her from any need of apology. She had nothing to apologize for. His hand went to her shoulder in a comforting gesture, wondering if how she felt, had to do with any disgust towards him and what he had done. But he was far too much of a coward to ask; far too fearful of the answer. "You should get some rest," he told her. One hand remained on her shoulder, while his other began to skim down her arm, until it gently took hold of her own hand, his fingers intertwining with hers, in a slow, tentative action. "Come on," he softly urged, beginning to lead her to the bed so that she could lie down. Standing couldn't be good for her right now. She needed to rest, and he wanted to be here to take care of her.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

Niylah leaned into Bellamy's touch as she slowed her breathing; trying to make sure that she was fine. It was difficult to say, but her fingers tightened as Bellamy took her hand. "You're going to stay-- right?" she asked hesitantly as she stood up straighter. It was silly, but she didn't want to be alone. She did not want to have time to think about the things that dragged her into this depression of sorts, and even though Bellamy had a part to play in it, he relieved some of those feelings. It was something she would never understand. Instead of overthinking, she kept her hand tight around his and let him lead her towards the bed. "This isn't your fault I'm just not feeling well..." She knew the look in his eye-- though the guilt was something that seemed to be embedded there. She just wanted to make sure he knew... She wanted him; really she did. Not only did she crave the comfort of his touch but she needed him... 

"I don't want you to go." She gripped his hand and looked up at him deliberately; forcing herself to focus as she sat on the bed. "I missed you too much for you to leave now." She knew he had come to warn her and perhaps he didn't have enough time to stay with her through the night. If he was a warrior for his people, maybe he was forced to return sooner than she would have wanted. She knew the chance of them meeting again were slim enough as it was. The next time they met would probably be as enemies if at all. If she were to die, she would probably be cast aside before he had the chance to see her or meet her in a fight. Niylah couldn't expect him to fight against his people, so she was preparing for the worst. "I don't know when I'll see you again," she said after a long moment. She didn't want to voice her grim outlook. 

If she was going to die protecting her land, she wanted to have at least one more night with Bellamy. Clothed, or unclothed-- she wanted to hold onto him. She needed to be held. It had been too long since she had felt his strong arms around her, or heard his steady heartbeat. All these comforts he brought her were too precious. She couldn't go without them when she had a chance to have them once again. "Stay with me; at least until I fall asleep..." she hoped he could stay longer. Waking up alone wasn't something she enjoyed but if it meant she could have him for a few more moments before he had to leave for Arkadia then it was worth it. Bellamy didn't feel like an enemy... 

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

all  i  wanted

WAS TO PROTECT MY PEOPLE

Niylah asked him a question that he hadn't quite known the answer to on his way over here. But the moment he saw her, the moment she had let him in . . . the answer had become mroe clear. "There's no where else I want to be." For the first time, Bellamy was putting his own desires above what he needed to do. He perhaps was needed in Arkadia by his people. But he had lived for others his entire life. Right now, he wanted to be Niylah, and that want very easily turned into a need as well. She looked sick, and leaving her was just . . . not something he even wanted to consider.

Even though it would inevitably come. She said that it wasn't his fault she was like this, and he disagreed, though didn't voice it knowing she would assure him otherwise. If it was grief that had caused her to be this way . . . then he was entirely to blame. Her father was dead because their people were at war right now. He couldn't tell her that she should blame him though. She was too good a person. Too open minded. Too willing to look at both sides. And that made what he felt for her, all the stronger.

When she sat the bed, after speaking of her lacking desire for him to leave, Bellamy lowered himself in front of her, crouching down in front of her so that he could look into her eyes. "Hey," he began to say, his hand on her cheek. "I'm not going anywhere." A promise. An assurance. He leaned forward to lightly kiss her lips again in a tender kiss, before easing out of it. He proceeded to take off her shoes for her, helping her to lay properly on the bed, his hand returning to hers. The thought of not knowing when he would see her again, could quite easily -- and was in fact -- turning into a fear.

The last time they had been together, he had a similar concern. But this time, it was different. There was far more at stake; far more risk involved. "Let's not think about that now." Because it would not help her health. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her more pain. How could anywhere care about him enough to miss him? To want him here? It warmed his heart while making it ache with guilt at the same time. Perhaps he would never truly be rid of the self hatred that consumed him . . . but with Niylah, it proved to be possible to feel something other than those dark emotions.

For when he was with her, when he was touching her . . . he felt a sensation that was so unfamiliar. That felt so wonderful. Sliding off his boots, he moved to lay next to her, wrapping an arm around her as he nestled her close to his bare chest. "I missed you too," he returned, kissing the side of her head in a lingering embrace as he held her securely against him. She couldn't stay here. They would not hesitate in killing a Grounder that defied them. After a few moments silent, he knew he had to ask before she drifted. "Just in case, is there anywhere else you can go?" He casually inquired, just presenting it as if he was thinking of the worst case scenario . . . when in actuality, he was intending on getting her out of here, even if it was by force. It was better she had her life than risk being killed over property.

[amber4]

TRY NOT TO RUN FROM THIS FREEDOM ALWAYS HAS A PRICE TO PAY tagged: Bellamy Blake

Niylah had never been taken care of, yet Bellamy did it so casually and instinctively she didn't feel the need to stop him. His hand on her cheek was soothing in so many ways. She couldn't help the sad smile when he pushed her words away. She thought it was denial more than anything. They both knew how this would end and she didn't blame him for not wanting that vocalized. Niylah wasn't stubborn in all cases, but she was strong willed when it was something she believed in. She believed in defending her home- and it had the potential to get her killed. Yet, Niylah also had faith that perhaps a more political angle would arise. Bellamy worried and only saw the worst possible outcome, but perhaps his leader could be overthrown. "We won't talk about it," she agreed softly as he slipped into the bed with her. His bare skin was warm and smooth against her cheek. Though, as his lips pressed against her temple she couldn't help frowning at his question.

Where would she go? Nowhere. Niylah didn't have family or even close friends that were far enough away from here to be safe. She had always been secluded and stuck in this one place. "I don't have anywhere else to go," she said after a moment. Perhaps he was hoped that she had a plan besides staying and fighting. Truth be told she didn't, but for his peace of mind she thought about it. She was too tired to consider that she was giving him instructions on how to defy her wishes to stay and fight. "I would probably take as many supplies as my cart could carry and travel south..." Her lips pressed together firmly as she curled against his chest tighter. Her arms laced around him and she traced his shoulders with her thumbs. "I'd take all the furs, the gems, the medicines and use it to trade for the supplies I'd need and I would start over somewhere... There are Trikru villages farther away from Arkadia..." She didn't like the idea of starting over, but she knew she could.

"I'd rebuild from the ground up... But I don't have anywhere to run to. I don't want to abandon this place." She let out a tired and sad sigh as she listened to his heartbeat. "My father's family built this home from nothing... Leaving it for Arkadia to pick apart... I couldn't do it." At least, not willingly. She wouldn't give it up. Though she knew Bellamy wouldn't understand she was glad he stayed regardless. For as long as he could... She doubted he would fight by her side but that was in no way his fault. Let alone something he could control. "I wish... the alliance held." They could be together if it had. They'd be good together... She knew it. 

OWL

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: amber4

all  i  wanted

WAS TO PROTECT MY PEOPLE

Bellamy felt his heart ache as Niylah answered his question. Saying that she had no where else to go, that she could start over if need be . . . but that this place held meaning for her. Significance. Sentiment. Before it had almost seemed so much easier to percieve the Grounders as their enemies. Kill or be killed. But now, with Niylah, it wasn't that simple. He could blame the Grounders for a lot of things, but he knew he couldn't blame all of them. Not when she in particular had shown kindness, and a kind of representation among her people that he had never seen before. She was damn special, and Bellamy hated that she was being forced into this war. Especially now, with where her shop was located. It made him sick to think about, yet the only thing that trumped it was his need to protect her. His willingness to do whatever it took.

She may hate him for it but that was nothing new. Octavia often hated him for trying to protect her in ways she disagreed with. He figured that Niylah would show the same anger if he did in fact force her from her home. But she would be alive. And her anger was a price he was willing to pay if it meant that she would live. "I know," he said in a quiet voice, taking in a deep breath as his lips brushed against the side of her head again. "This war against our people is destroying a lot." Lives. Homes. Everything. He was seeing that from the other perspective now, because of Niylah. If Pike knew any of this, Bellamy was all too aware he would be deemed a traitor. But, he wouldn't regret it. He couldn't regret it. He cared too deeply about Niylah to just pretend that he could move on without her. Her next words coincided with his thoughts; a wish that the alliance had held.

"Me too," he added, forcing back the thoughts of what he and Clarke had been forced to do when the alliance broke. When Lexa decided to betray them. Not wanting it to sully the moment, he focused instead on just being here with Niylah; holding her in his arms. "Growing up, it was just my mom, my sister and me. We had a really small place, but it was a home." Because it held love. It held his family. "Since coming down here, I feel like we've been fighting every day for it. For a place to call home." And they had it: Arkadia. But, it wasn't quite what Bellamy would define as a home. Because, it was missing something. Someone.

"This, right now, is the closest feeling to a home that I've had in a long time." Because of Niylah. So he could understand, truly, the sentiment of one. How losing a parent or family could take away that feeling of a home -- just as it had when his mother was floated and Octavia arrested. And the knowledge that it was Bellamy who had deprived her of it, that it was he who pulled her father from her home . . . made him feel sick. "And I'm sorry. That, I took that away from you." And that he may take it away again by removing her from her home. Because whatever come tomorrow, he needed her to know how sorry he was, even if the word was inadequate.