Going Home To The Girl With The Pretty Name

[Roma Bragg]

"You're right," At least they were in agreement about something! "I got attached, and I kicked you out." Saddly it wasn't agreement she was after! It was an end to her pain, and she wasn't sure she could find it here. He had done this too her twice, when he said he had feelings for her. "I'm, not an easy person to be with." That was a understatement! "I've . . . done things. Things that make me a monster." The pain in his face stole a lot of her anger, and she could only stare at him. He was so strong, and had stayed so strong for so long that sometimes you could almost forget that he was still hurting. She knew he struggled under the weight in the beginning, but the way he looked now . . . .

"People justify it for me. Tell me I did what I had to do, but that doesn't change the fact that I did it." He saved them, but he never looked at only the people he saved. He couldn't let go of the ones he had killed. She wanted to hold him. She wanted to keep him safe but she was scared he'd only hurt her again. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even this year. One day she'd wake up and he'd realize this was too much and he'd send her on her way again.

"I found peace with you. Something I never thought possible." Roma closed her eyes and lowered her face, trying to hold onto her anger. It was all she had left. "Something I don't deserve." Her head shook slightly from disagreement, but she still said nothing. "I hurt the people I love, and I'm scared for what that means for you." Her face jumped back up to his, as he said the last line. "Because I love you." And she didn't realize she had taken a step backwards until she felt the wall she had been close to touch her back. Leaning on it, because she didn't trust her knees to hold her up. He loved her. She had been 16 when she fell in love with him, and now after everything between them he wanted to say it! After making her afraid to let him close again, he wanted to drop this bomb and wait for her to deal with it?! Part of her hated him! She loved him but she hated him! . . . . . or at least hated the choices he was making.

Coming to her and saying HAHA this was a joke, would have hurt less because then he was just an ass hat! Now he was the ass hat who was giving her everything she would have begged for, only after making her afraid to trust it! She couldn't speak for a long moment. She wasn't even sure what was on her face. Panic, fear, anger, bitterness, pain. Who knew at this point! She had never held any of his mistakes over him. He had been a 'could do no wrong' man to her. But this . . . this was wrong. "You hurt the people you love." She repeated his words, her voice sounding lost rather then angry. Standing from the wall she looked at him in the eyes, and stepped a few steps closer. "That's a choice you make, Bellamy. Not something that just happens. You decided that it was easier to send me away rather then deal with things. . . And you know, after your mother died, I could even understand it. I never held it against you. You were hurt, and I accepted things . . . . but then again, it's happened. You close yourself off behind this wall, and you become untouchable . . . and maybe that is your way of dealing with things, but you need to sort that out! You're too afraid to let people in, but you can't keep people out either. You're heart isn't that cold Bellamy."

But her's was going to be if she let him keep on. Roma looked down for a moment before she looked back at him. This time she returned his own words to him. "You scare me, Bellamy, I am standing here braced for what comes next. You say all the right things I am too afraid to risk it again. because you are the only person with the power to hurt me. And you didn't hesitate to do it." Which she why she really had to ask, "What do you want from me? What do you expect to happen now?" She was accusing him, or yelling it in anger. She just needed to know why he decided to do this. Was he just explaining things, did he hope she'd jump back in to his bed as if nothing happened? Was he asking for a relationship, or did he even know what he wanted?!

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy didn't say anything as she spoke. He took in every word, unable to deny or justify any of his actions. He knew she was right. He knew that what he did was wrong. Cold. Detached. It was how he had survived. It was how he had protected his family. Severing any ties. It was lonely life but Octavia had always been his priority. On some level, there was also guilt . . . to allow himself to be with anyone. Because, his sister couldn't be. So what gave Bellamy that right as well? It was just one of the many reasons. One of the many things that made him reluctant, hesitant . . . downright rejecting of any possibility to be in a relationship. But with Roma, he had now twice found himself in a situation where he was. Undefined as it may be, they were in a relationship. He felt a surge of pain when she said that he scared her. He never wanted to, though knew it was his own doing.

He deserved that. He deserved her to reject him, to cast him out of her heart . . . once and for all. Yet he was here. With the hope -- the dangerous hope -- to be with her. No longer leaving it undefined. To truly be with her in every sense of the word. Her questions brought up the opportunity to say it, though he just remained silent in response. What did he want from her. What did he expect to happen. He didn't know. He hardly had a sense of entitlement that brought forth that expectancy that she would just, be with him.

He had hurt her. He knew that. It was a mistake to react the way he had . . . yet he didn't know how else to. He thought he could keep her safe, by keeping her at a distance. But the truth was, he was miserable without her. He had already given her his heart, words left unsaid but the commitment was there. It was not something that could just be given back. It was too late for that. She loved him in return. It fueled that already dangerous hope that he held. "I am afraid," he confirmed. He agreed. He was afraid to let people in.

"So damn afraid." Of hurting her. Or losing her. Of failing her. "Because, I've never felt this way. And I don't know . . . how to be with someone. How to let them be with me. When I know, it won't be easy for them." This, just being an example. He would be loyal to her. He would take care of her. He would protect her with every breath in his body. He would love her more than anyone else could. But actions spoke louder than words. And he knew his had not supported the silent claims that he contained within him. "But I want to be with you." He needed her, in ways he never thought possible. He wasn't selfish enough to expect to just magically want the same, especially after he had hurt her. "Truly, be with you. If you'll let me." He didn't even realize he was taking a small step toward her, which turned into two. "If you can give me another chance." And most importantly . . . "If you want the same thing."

[Roma Bragg]

"I am afraid," He told her and and Roma didn't under stand why! Why was he afraid? He had lost his mother, but who had not lost someone? He still had his family, he still had so much! Where did this fear, a fear so strong that he would lash out at her come from? "So damn afraid." Yeah, well so was she! Only he had made her like this because he was like this! "Because, I've never felt this way. And I don't know . . . how to be with someone. How to let them be with me. When I know, it won't be easy for them." He was wrong. It had been easy. It was easy in the mornings to wake up and see him there, and watch him sleep. It was easy to go back to his place and crawl into the bed, and for him to read the book with all the weird names and words aloud. It was easy to crawl into his lap and distract him. It was easy to laugh with him, and easy to find herself smiling when he came into the room. The only hard part had been getting kicked out!

"But I want to be with you." Roma looked away from him, unsure what she wanted right now. She loved him, but he had hurt her. And callously too. He had known how he felt, and he had to have some idea of how she felt. Yet he he had still done it. "Truly, be with you. If you'll let me." There were no windows in her place, but she suddenly wish there was so she could look at something besides him. Because this wasn't going to end well. "If you can give me another chance." That was what this came down too. Could she risk it? Could she take that step and trust him again? She knew he'd never let anyone hurt her. If grounders charged in right now, she knew he'd protect her--because he did that for everyone. But to let her guard down. To open herself up to him . . . she was afraid.

"If you want the same thing." THAT wasn't what this was about! It was unfair for him to try and make this about 'if she wanted him' so if she said she couldn't it could feed into something that this wasn't meant to be! He had said everything right until that moment! That one line, angered her! "This isn't about if I want the same," She told him, looking back at him. "I love you but I don't trust you with it." With her love. "You broke my heart, Bellamy, and did it the same way twice. I let you in, and knowing that you have the power to hurt me . . . I don't like it. You say you afraid but I don't understand it!" What made him so afraid? "I don't understand why the idea that anyone getting close to you sends you into a panic? You face down grounders every time you walk out the gates, and you're calm and scary--but when you realize someone is getting too close you are afraid? Why?" She needed to understand before she could move on---IF she could move on. He had lost his mother, but where did the fear come from? There?

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy knew he deserved her words, but it made it no easier to hear. She loved him, but didn't trust him. He broke her heart, and he wondered if there was any chance they could truly reconcile. If they couldn't, it would be his own fault. Another guilt ridden action that he would have to bare. His jaw clenched in emotion, her words bringing up subjects that he never spoke about with anyway. Hardly even Octavia. He didn't wish for his burden to be another's. It was his own to bare. He supposed that was why he'd needed Clarke.

Why he needed to her stay. Because she would understand. Because she had been through it too. Their experiences were different but Mount Weather . . . that was the same. Bellamy remained silent after Roma asked her question. If there was any hope of salvaging this relationship, he needed to be honest with her. He needed to tell her the truth. He'd avoided her gaze long enough, trying to stabilize his emotions . . . to no avail. Why was he afraid. He faced other dangers, and why was he afraid of this she asked. "My mother died, because of me." His eyes moved to rest on Roma, unable to keep the emotion out of them.

"My sister was arrested, because of me." Two things that he could never be exempt blame of. "Over 300 people on the Ark, died because of me." By pulling out that radio just to save his own damn, worthless life. "Over 50 delinquents are dead, because I failed to protect them." She wanted to know why . . . the list went on. "And over 300 people, men, women . . . children . . . are all dead, because I killed them." The last one was enough to cause the tear to fall from his eyes, trailing down his cheek as he swallowed, feeling the guilt practically choking him. Suffocating him. He did what he had to do; that was what people told him. But he did it.

Undeniably, pulled that lever and killed all those people. "Why do I deserve love when I've deprived so many other people of it." When he'd killed family members, let others die, murdered an entire population. He didn't want sympathy. That wasn't what this was about. But he was voicing his burden; sharing with her the guilt that tore him apart. Yet she was the one who had put him back together. "You make me feel whole. You . . . saved my life, Roma." His soul. His heart. His mind. It wasn't necessarily physically saving his life, but equally if not more important in the way she had.

"And. sometimes I just don't feel like it's worth saving." Another tear fell from his eye, hating that he was acting this way in front of her. Hating that she had to see him cry, that he had broken her heart and he was just . . . broken. Without her. It wasn't fair to her, he knew that, but it was all he could do. All he could say in this moment. Utter and complete honesty. Full discretion. Because if they were to move forward, if she would grant him with another chance . . . then he knew this had to be said. He had to explain why he acted this way. She deserved nothing less than the truth.

[Roma Bragg]

Roma stood there as he spoke about things he had never spoken of before. At least not to her. She watched the emotion on his face wavier and twist until the tear fell from his eyes, only for another one to fall. She felt her heart hurting for him, as she explained things that didn't made any sense too her, but perhaps they never would. How did he not see that more would have died? How did he not see that everyone owed him so much, and they loved him. They had not expected him to even do half of what he did. Her brows were bent, and she knew it was because her heart was breaking for him. For his pain. "Why do I deserve love when I've deprived so many other people of it." That was when she understood. That was the reason. Guilt. He felt guilty.

"You make me feel whole. You . . . saved my life, Roma." She inhaled at that, trying to keep her own composer. She had saved him? He saw that in her? She didn't want that responsibility! She loved him but she wasn't strong enough to be strong for them both! She was vein, and silly, and selfish and that worked for her! Bellamy had been the exception to her selfish behavior, but she didn't understand how that saved him? At the same time, his words . . . . meant the world to her. That he saw her in this manner, and that she was important enough to someone that they would need her in such a way . . . it was a feeling she'd never known. She wasn't sure what it was, but she didn't exactly hate it.

"And. sometimes I just don't feel like it's worth saving.""Bellamy," She said his name softly, and quickly to make him stop. She couldn't hear more! Not right now! Not when it was affecting him so much! It hurt too much. She didn't like seeing him hurt! It was hurting her to not run to him, and hug him. To not just hold him. But what would happen when things changed again? Would she be standing here once again? When did she stop the pattern? "Everyone is worth saving. If coming down here has taught me anything, it was that everyone is worth saving." She took a few more steps closer to him and looked up into his face. It took everything to not reach out and hold him. But she meant her words. Everyone was worth saving--even herself. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Bellamy. You're hurting and the only thing I want is to hold you but every time I do I brace myself and wonder . . . . what about next time? What if--" Please never let this happen! "--what if I got pregnant? What if that makes you feel whatever the hell you felt three days ago? You loving me, is everything I have wanted from you . . . but I have twice felt your rejection, and I am afraid of a third. How do we get past this?"

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Roma Bragg

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Everyone was worth saving. Perhaps it was the truth to these words that made the pain intensify all the more. Everyone was worth saving. But . . . he hadn't been able to. He had decided, who was worth saving. He had placed value on humans' lives. He had chosen his own people over the majority of innocents. He had decided that children . . . weren't worth saving. So how could his own life possibly be worth it, when he had made other people's lives worth less. He averted his gaze from her, though could see from his peripheral vision how she neared him. How she looked at him. She spoke of not trying to hurt him, how she wanted to hold him . . . but he knew why she couldn't. Perhaps his subconscious mind was trying to sabotage this relationship, knowing just how undeserving he was of it. But it was too late at this point.

The moment he admitted his feelings for her, it was too late. She posed a scenario of pregnancy, the idea causing him to pause for a moment, before she continued. If she was actually pregnant, he knew for a fact that Roma would not be this calm. He continued to remain silent, her words playing over and over in his mind. All valid questions and points. He had pushed her away twice; both times when she had gotten too close. "I thought I could push you away. That it would be easier." For her. So that she would not have to be burdened by him. "But, now admitting my feelings to you, and to myself, makes that impossible." He had said the words that he knew he felt in his heart; but had denied. He could no longer do that. Selfishly, he admitted them. "That's what will make this time different." He paused, looking at her once more. "Because I can't . . . push away the feelings anymore." He didn't want to. And he was so damn exhausted from trying.

[Roma Bragg]

He couldn't push away these feelings any more? Roma wasn't sure how she felt about all this and she really didn't want to make her mind up on the spot. She thought back to their first kiss. To laughing with him sometimes. She thought back to the two times he had pushed her away--both times she had been naked and willing in his bed. Both times they had come out of no where. She tried to decide what she wanted. In truth, she wanted him--had since she was 16! But he held a power over her and she had never let anyone have in her whole life. Even her parents. He was the only one who's words had the power to hurt her. and she could say that after verbal fights with many people.

Roma closed her eyes for a moment before walking the rest of the way too him, her arms still folded over her ribs, to protect herself. Not from physical harm but emotional ones. When she got close enough, she rested her forehead against his chest. She wasn't sure she trusted him enough to drop her guard right now, but she was willing to try. It would take time for her to get back to where they were. After a few silent moments of her standing there she looked up at him. "I need time." She told him, "A step back." To trust him again. "I'm not saying goodbye, but . . . I need things to go slow. I don't think I can just go back to how we were." Which sucked because she had been happy! She had been in love and at peace with the world. Now she wary.