Artificial tension

[Clarke Griffin]

cherry1

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The moment they set off through the blockade, was the moment Clarke knew she would have to endure backlash for it. But initially all was calm. She got to hug her mother, got brought to a designated room where she could settle. For her it was humiliating to be brought to Arkadia with Grounder guards and the Flamekeeper vouching for her, the exception to their rule as she only fall back due to Lexas death. She felt the pain of the loss, which was why she mostly kept to the rooms. She noticed a guard always close by soon enough and that one usually followed her around the city. She was being watched. She was a prisoner in a sense that she was supervised and she had an idea why. While the majority might have voted for Pike, there were people against him and he was aware of it. He probably knew what she had done, so keeping her small was logical.

Clarke made a point only to talk to some of her friends. Today she gathered the courage to go to Raven. She had seen her around. She seemed happy. Clarke couldn’t gather why, but Raven seemed fully relaxed and she loved to see this version of her friend. She was just worried. As she approached her, she seemed to be busy with working. Now that was the Raven she knew, always tinkering. “Hey. What are you working on?” She hoped it would not be too bad. Maybe she was working on things for a war against the Grounders.

[cherry1]

Raven kept herself busy with her work, fixing some of the screws used to hold the walls of Arkadia together. It was a trivial task, but she needed to keep herself occupied. To stop her mind from searching for memories of a boy she used to love and dealing with the frustration that she couldn’t remember anything about him. She knew that she loved Finn, and he loved her, but his smile, his laugh, even his face was purged from her memory. And ever since she became aware of that hole, it only grew. With A.L.I.E nowhere to be seen since the realisation, she’d been spending some time with Jasper to fill the holes in her memory.

At the news of Clarke's arrival it didn’t take long for Raven to realise there were holes regarding her too. She knew who she was of course, but there were so many things she didn’t remember about her. So many gaps in their timeline it was almost like she barely knew her at all. It’s why she’d practically confined herself to her workshop, using it as an excuse to avoid her and that confrontation. Having her memories taken away was scary, but even that emotion felt dulled. The peace the City of Light offered her was seductive, but the illusion was shattered. And while the pain was still kept at bay by the chip she’d taken, Raven was all too aware that none of it was real. “Hey. What are you working on?” At the sound of her voice, Raven sat up abruptly. She recognised her voice which was a good sign. “Clarke?” standing up she turned around, a smile spreading across her face at the sight of her friend. Yes, that's right, they were friends. “I never thought I’d ever see you again.” Stepping forward she finally embraced her, wrapping her arms tightly around the other girl. While she may look a little different now, Raven felt so glad to see her. To recognise her.

[Clarke Griffin]

A hug. Clarke never expected Raven to get up and give her a hug. She didn’t expect anyone to welcome here. She didn’t expect anyone to say they thought they’d never see her again, especially not now with how tense times were. Times were so hard here in Arkadia and in Polis. Everything was changing. Leaders were changing and clashing and things could easily turn for the worse. She was worried about everyone. But she didn’t know how to really deal with it all. She was glad it was so simple with Raven right now. Clarke hugged her friend back gently, but firm enough to hopefully make her understand how happy she was with the situation right now. It was a relief.

“I… I’m back now.” It was an easy thing to say and not even remotely close to all that she wanted to say. She had needed to leave and she was not fully ready to be back yet. She had no other choice, but she was happy Raven was okay with it. “I… I’m sorry I was gone so long.” She was. She had wanted to come back, but didn’t know how. “How are you doing?” Was she okay? She heard so much, but she knew so little. She rather wanted to hear from Raven herself than from other. “Are you okay? What … how did you do while I was gone? I missed you.” She missed so many people, but Raven was certainly one of them. She was an amazing, clever person, someone that others could take as a role model. She wished she could have protected her better.

cherry1

[cherry1]

“That’s right you…left.” Her eyebrows furrowed as she thought back to that time. It was difficult, like trying to relive a memory of a distant dream. Thoughts of the City of Light had consumed her for what felt like so long, too long. And now that she was trying to get back in touch with reality, all these obstacles got in the way. She remembered feeling angry and bitter when Clarke left, throwing herself into her work to hide those feelings of betrayal. But now...there was just...nothing. Pulling herself from her thoughts, her eyes refocused onto Clarke, attempting to listen to what she was saying. “I’m fine.” A lie.

“Uuum, I…missed you too.” It was another obvious lie. Had she missed her? Raven had barely thought about Clarke since taking the chip, since she was involved in so much of her memories of pain. “I’m sorry,” she said finally sighing, and giving up on the act. “I’m not really myself right now.” She hadn’t been herself in so long, Raven was afraid she might lose who she was, who she’d been, forever. Perhaps Clarke being here was actually a good thing. As soon as she was ready, Abby was going to help her remove the chip before it was too late. A full detox followed by a hopefully full recovery. Maybe Clarke could help her with that too, provide her with another anchor to reality, so she wouldn’t get sucked back into that damned City of Light. “Why don’t you tell me about you?” She asked, deflecting the conversation from herself. “How are you, Clarke?” It was always easier to talk about the other person than herself, so she could hide just how much A.L.I.E had messed her up.

[Clarke Griffin]

Not really herself, sadly Clarke could relate to that. She didn’t feel like herself at all. So much had happened. Lexa was dead. Lexa died because of Clarke. She blamed herself for this and she had every reason to do so. It was because she meddled with things that Lexa had gotten shot. What had Bellamy said? People got killed when she was in charge. She was even a bad omen when she was just an advisor and ambassador, downgraded to guest even. She still got Lexa killed. And her own people hated her, she thought. They considered her a threat. It made her stomach constrict in pain. She was a prisoner here and in Polis and had to rely on unlikely allies.

“I’m… alive.” That was the best thing she could report. She was alive. “Lexa has been killed. I was a prisoner for a while. Got kidnapped. Somehow survived. Uhm Bellamy officially hates me. Pike probably has me watched. I can see two guards follow me everywhere. They’re probably just outside this door. Not to mention the Army outside, meant to kill us, should we go out. But I’m alive. I managed to survive out there, on my own. I saw some… creatures I never thought existed, Raven. Wonderful kind animals. Bunnies, small little forest cats, wolves, dogs even! Oh and horses, actual wild horses!”

cherry1

[cherry1]

“Wow…that’s a lot to process.” Raven had been so detached from all the politics, the new information overwhelmed her. “I’m sorry about Lexa.” It was a lie, such an obvious lie. Raven was only saying it for Clarke’s benefit, because she knew she cared about the commander. But the moment she revealed Lexa’s death something stirred within Raven. Something akin to relief and satisfaction. She was…happy about her death? Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. For just a moment a memory of Raven begging Clarke to kill her flashed through her mind. It took her off guard and forced her to step back for moment. Just as soon as the painful memory returned, it left her again. The chip working its magic…or rather curse once again.

Stepping forward she took Clarke’s hands in her own, before suddenly letting them go. The contact felt strange and unfamiliar. “Nobody hates you Clarke, at least I don’t.” She said with a smile, hoping to make her feel better. But if she was honest with herself she didn’t really feel anything towards Clarke. All those emotions had been robbed from her by A.L.I.E and her damn chip. “We’ll fix all this, okay? Together. We’ll fix you…and we’ll fix me.” She said, finally revealing that there was something wrong with her, though Clarke had probably already guessed. Jasper could only help her so much, and with Abby preparing to help her remove the chip, Raven was going to need all the help she could get. A.L.I.E wasn’t going to give up easily. As bad as the grounders were…she was so much worse. Because while the grounders could take your life, the bitch in the red dress could take your soul.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke knew that Raven probably only said she was sorry because of her and that alone touched her. She still cared enough to say this for Clarke. Lexa didn’t matter to her and Clarke was envious of that in so many ways. She had so many mixed feelings about it and so little time to do so much. She wished she could brush it off like Finn, but she knew there was no way she could. Clarke sighed, but she smiled, when Raven assured her she didn’t hate that. That was like music to her ears. At least one person liked her here and it was, incidentally, one of her most valued friends on the ground. Clarke smiled softly.

“Thank you.” She whispered. So there was something wrong with Raven, too, but Clarke didn’t care. Raven was Raven, it made her perfect in her eyes. She gently moved to wrap her arms around Raven in a soft hug. “We will fix this, yes.” She replied. “We will fix us and this mess here.” And maybe then everyone could live in peace. She agreed that Arkadia needed to work on being self sustaining, but the Grounders could help. Why alienate themselves from them, when they could be valuable. But first they had to care about themselves. “I hope you know that I didn’t want to abandon you guys, I just couldn’t deal with myself anymore, how could I take care of you? It was a pretty ugly time. I know I abandoned you and for that I am deeply sorry, Raven:”

cherry1