This Is Not Your Place

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

Anya was dead. Killed in a blade with three hundred of her people—killed by sky people who fell to earth in astounding numbers. The commander was called to aid TonDC with her armies and she was more than willing to do so. One of the warriors of the Skaikru killed innocents in their own village, and those atrocities would not stand. Polis was safe and far from the mountain, but she would be a poor commander if she hid behind capital walls and sent her warriors to do her bidding, especially in TonDC. It was her home. Her eyes were narrowed as she began packing her belongings. They moved out tomorrow at dawn. She wanted to be prepared... Whispers of the army forming just outside Polis walls were echoing through the streets and the halls.

Lexa had intentionally left Costia out of this. She wasn’t going to let her come—it was too risky, and she knew that Costia would use that as a reason to keep Lexa here. They had many close calls with the mountain as they fought against Azgeda. It gave them reason to be protective—but Lexa knew that her duty as Heda was more important than her duty as Costia’s partner. When her bedroom door opened with force, with no knock, she knew it was her warrior bride. Lexa was prepared for this argument.

OWL

[Costia]

Storming down the hall, it was clear that Costia was in a bad mood, clad in the armour that she never seemed to take off, her sword on her hip. She had just heard the news that the Commander intended to travel back to Tondc after the attacks from Skaikru targeted their home village, this was the first she'd heard of it and she was outraged that her beloved would keep something like this from her. At the very least, Costia wanted to accompany her partner back to the village, if she could not persuade her to stay within Polis that is. Gustus was in Tondc, she had yet to discover if he had survived both attacks that all together claimed three hundred and eighteen trikru lives. However she remained in Polis, willing to stay with the Commander, to keep her mind at rest and to avoid being separated. Obviously Lexa didn't value trust as much as Costia did, if she did then she would inform her of her plans or allow her to accompany her back to Tondc.

Throwing open the door to Lexa's own private bedroom, she spotted the Commander packing her things and didn't hesitate in showing her disapproval. "When were you planning on telling me?" she demanded. "Lexa, we're supposed to be partners and you were just going to up and leave!?" she closed the distance between them as she crossed the room and stopped at Lexa's side. "Were you just going to leave before I woke?! Leave me wondering where you had gone and when you were going to return, if you did return at all?!" she reached out and grabbed the Commanders wrist to stop her from packing anymore of her belongings "You want to be there, I get that! It's our village, it's in our blood, but is it the right move strategically, the mountain is close to Tondc and the Skaikru are a constant threat, you should stay here, where you are safe" she spoke with a firm almost commanding tone to her, they rarely fought about things but when they did it was usually about Lexa or herself going somewhere that perhaps could put them in danger and if the other disapproved they would let it be known.

amber3

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

These outbursts were a rarity, but Lexa didn’t have the luxury of showing her emotions in such a hostile way. Normally, when Coastia yelled like this, they were on agreeing sides. This time however, Lexa stiffened and let her vent out her feelings while packing through it. When Costia grabbed her wrist, Lexa’s eyes flashed up to hers. In those eyes, the spirit of all the commanders before her shone bright with determination and duty. She needed to do this, and she wouldn’t let Costia stop her out of fear. She pulled her wrist stiffly from her grasp and pulled her bag shut. “I was planning to tell you this evening, when all the necessary preparations were made.” With narrowed eyes, she fixed her sleeve. “You are not my counsel, Costia. You let your fear control your words... If you were not so close to this you would know that I don’t have a choice.”

Her voice was hard—flat and unforgiving. “My people are being slaughtered. People I am sworn to protect, and I will not SIT here and do nothing and send armies to do my bidding.” Passion fused her tone, her voice was raised. She may not have been yelling but her tone was that of a Heda, not of a lover. “TonDC is in danger and I won’t let it fall to these sky people. They killed innocents—children, Costia.” Now her tone was slowing, but it was only out of guilt. She should have been there sooner. “Anya is dead. Indra needs my support and they will have it. They need a commander. Not just an army.”

Now Lexa turned on the dark haired woman in front of her. “None of this concerns you. It is not your right to know—it is not your place to question me. So don’t come in here with your emotions flying out of control screaming at your COMMANDER.” With a hostile glare she turned again and placed her hands on the base of their bed. She drew in a very long breath, waiting for the eruption. The anger. She would deal with this... but there was a divide between what she felt and what she knew she had to do.

OWL

[Costia]

"No choice? You have every choice Lexa, you are the Commander, you can choose to stay, you are just choosing to leave!" Costia hissed at her as she tugged her arm away from her. She knew that Lexa felt a duty to her people, but what would happen to her people if she were to be killed, Azgeda would take advantage of that opportunity and the clans would probably be at war again. "Fear? Of course I'm scared for you Lexa, I'm terrified about allowing you to leave because I know that if you go to Tondc I might never see you again" she looked into the Commander's eyes, her glare unwavering.

She waved a hand dismissively at Lexa's next words "I do not need to be reminded of what they did Lexa! I know what they did, it was an act of war, they must pay for what they did to the people of Tondc, but you do not need to be there!" she argued with her, eager to persuade her lover to stay but knowing that ultimately she would fail. "I don't see why you have to be there, you have sent your armies to fight your battles before, were you there when Anya's unit launched an attack on Skaikru?! No, you weren't there, you didn't need to be, your presence would not have altered what happened!" her voice began to steadily rise again as she tried to persuade the Commander to stay in Polis. "I'm sorry about Anya, I know she meant a lot to you, but she trained you to know what choices were right and what were wrong, if you go to Tondc it will be a mistake"

At Lexa's next words Costia actually hesitated, the words surprised her, Lexa didn't usually take this tactic when arguing with her. She didn't usually use her rank against her. "None of my concern? You are my partner, we belong to each other" she balled her hands into fists as she fought with her emotions, trying to smother them. It was true, she didn't have as much control over her emotions as Lexa did but that was because she hadn't needed to control her emotions as much growing up, she didn't need to hide from them. "I deserve to know where you are, what you are doing, if you are still going to be alive tomorrow! If you insist on going then at least allow me to accompany you, I am a warrior, it is what I have been trained for" Costia continued to stare at Lexa, her eyes almost pleading with her to allow her to go with her "Is that all you think of me? As a subject? As somebody who should follow orders? Because you know that isn't me Lexa, you know that I will not stand around whilst you go out and fight!"

amber3

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

No one but Costia could ever rise to Lexa’s tone without paying for it. She knew that the warrior did not truly understand what it was like to have the voices of ever commander in her mind telling her what to do; the sky people were not safe and needed to be eradicated. Her people needed the revenge that only she could give them—and under all that pressure, Costia’s voice sounded as though she were underwater. Lexa’s breathing came slow with focus as she waited for her to stop talking so that she could have a moment to think. “I do not have a choice.” She said after a long moment. She turned away to look at the large window in her room with crossed arms. “They would never let me stay—but I don’t expect you to understand that.” By they she meant everyone. The commanders, Titus, her counsel... She needed to go.

“Indra and Gustus will be there with me—I will not die, if that is what concerns you Costia.” Her eyes flashed to her with furrowed brows. She wanted to enforce the statement; that Costia did not have a say in this but she couldn’t find words... “You are my partner... But I am Heda. You know my duty always comes first.” She kept her tone even before looking back at Costia with a deeper frown.

“You will stay here. I need somebody I trust to stay here and help the nightbloods continue their training,” it was her way of keeping her safe and keeping the young ones safe as well while most warriors left Polis to fight the sky people. “That is how you can help me. You can keep them safe while I take care of these Skaikru... then I will return.” With a tight jaw she reached out to hold Costia’s hand in hers before looking up at her. “We have armies from every clan, Costia. They have one small, insignificant group of civilians. I will not die... You need to trust my judgement as your partner, and as Heda.”

OWL

[Costia]

"Then help me" Costia breathed, taking a step towards Lexa as she turned away "Help me to understand" she didn't understand whenever Lexa spoke like this, it was true. She knew Lexa was under a lot of pressure to avenge the people Trikru had lost to the Skaikru. But it was a constant worry, since Lexa was so dedicated to the coalition. She knew on some deep level that Lexa had to leave, did she want her to go? No, definitely not. It was always so lonely whenever Lexa left Polis, many times Costia would accompany her, but Lexa had made it clear that this was not to be one of those times.

"Your death is one of the things that worries me, yes" she admitted, meeting her lovers gaze "I know that Gustus and Indra will protect you, they'll keep you safe but am I not allowed to worry?! Skaikru are like no enemy we have ever faced before, even the mountain men send the reapers to do their bidding, Skaikru have guns, what weapons do we have that can compete with their guns and their technology, three hundred warriors failed to defeat them, what do you intend to do differently?" she questioned, folding her arms over her chest as she awaited an answer.

As Lexa slipped her hand into hers, Costia forced a smile "Titus will be here, he is more than capable of training the nightbloods, of protecting them, they do not need my protection" she mumbled, her anger finally subsiding little by little. "I do not understand why you wish for me to stay here, this would not be the first battle I have fought in and it wouldn't be my last" she raised an eyebrow questioningly as she squeezed Lexa's hand "What use am I here when the people in my village are being slaughtered, I sit here doing nothing, I was not trained to sit around and hide like a coward whilst my friends die for my clan, for my village"

amber3

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

“We will have numbers. We will know what to expect and when we attack it will not be something that they can anticipate.” Lexa’s voice was grave and heavy as she looked down at Costia’s hand. The fury of all those who came before brewed beneath her disrespect and remaining in control was difficult. “You should not question my abilities, Costia.” She said slowly before letting go of her hand and moving back to her bed. She looked at the intricate woodwork with narrowed and unforgiving eyes while Costia continued to disobey; to question and to push. She pushed and she pushed and she didn’t understand that she wasn’t only questioning her lover, but the commander’s spirit inside of her.

“You want to understand?” she turned around and glared at Costia with frustration. “I am Heda. I am your commander and nobody, not even you can neglect an order given to you.” There was no yelling now, there was only a firm tone and tightened fists. “I love you—with all of my heart, but you are disrespecting the commander’s spirit and you do not know how it feels to have that kind of fire in your mind... To disobey me is to disobey them, Costia and I will not allow it.” Slowly she drew in a breath and looked away.

“As for why I need you here... Titus believes that you are a distraction, just as Anya once did. I believe that he is right and having you on the battlefield will make me weak.” Her jaw tensed as she remembered the argument. He begged her to cut Costia loose and send her back to TonDC where she would have died by now. “Love is weakness, Costia... I can be weak here behind closed doors. You can be my weakness here... but out there I need to be strong. I need you to stay behind so you do not hinder my abilities.”

OWL

[Costia]

Costia's eyes never left Lexa as she pulled her hands free of her grasp and moved back to stand beside the bed "Did you expect the ring of fire that killed three hundred Trikru warriors?" she questioned her "or the assassin that snuck into our village and MURDERED eighteen innocent people?!" her own hands balled into fists as she spoke, a slight quiver in her voice giving away the emotions that she tried to hide away inside. "These people are unpredictable, you do not know what they are capable of, have you ever met an army that can wipe out a whole unit without even drawing a weapon?! What if their technology allows them to use other weapons, like the mountain men". She looked down to her hands briefly, either unable to meet Lexa's gaze or else unwilling to. "I do not mean to question your abilities Heda, but... if these people managed to wipe out a whole unit of the Trikru army with minimal losses, now there are more of them, wouldn't it be wiser to relocate, we could avoid losing anymore of our people" she knew that Lexa would never go for such an idea, it probably sounded weak, like the words of a coward. The Skaikru had murdered eighteen innocents, Blood must have blood, vengeance was needed.

As Lexa spoke, the glare returned to Costia's face "So tell me Heda" she hissed, her anger boiling up again "are you ordering me to remain in Polis? Do you wish to treat me like a prisoner, forbidden from leaving the capitol just because you are afraid?" she'd lived in Tondc her whole life until Lexa was chosen to be the next Commander and she asked Costia to come with her to live in the capitol. "You say that you love me, why then do I feel as if this is a lie?!" she snapped at her, "everything was so much simpler before you became Heda" she trailed off to mutter those final words. Back before Lexa became Heda, everything was so much easier, they never fought like this, Lexa never had to choose between her duty and her heart and she definitely never tried to control Costia, not that she had the authority to do so anyway.

At the mention of Titus, Costia visibly stiffened. She knew that Lexa trusted him and that he was the flamekeeper and had been a part of her life ever since her Conclave. However Costia didn't like him, he always seemed to be interfering, whispering in Lexa's ear. "A distraction? That's ridiculous! I have fought in battles before, you know that! You know that I am more than capable of handling myself on the battlefield, you cannot keep me here forever, shielding me from the very thing I've spent my whole life training for!" now she was shouting again, unable to keep her voice low. She was hurt by Lexa's words, offended by them. "You make it sound as if you think of me as a burden and it is so frustrating! It's frustrating that you always seek to protect me by hiding me away from the danger that is out there, my whole life I have trained to become a warrior... You once told me that you wouldn't lose me because I was too good a fighter for me to die in battle, was that a lie Lexa?" Costia didn't want to be a burden to the Commander, she didn't want to weaken her in battle but at the same time she wanted to fight, to defend her village. She wanted to be treated like the capable warrior that she was and not like a child that couldn't even be trusted to handle a knife.

amber3

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

Lexa fell silent. She didn’t speak at all—not even as Costia said the words that even she thought. Things were much less complicated before she became Heda. Costia had a right to fight… She was a capable warrior and would do well fighting in her unit, or at least with TonDC, but she wasn’t going to let this be considered a win for Costia. Love was what kept Lexa from allowing Costia to fight. Anxiety over her wellbeing was constant and always at the top of her priorities… Whether she was in Polis or with her in TonDC there would be no difference. Lexa let out a low hiss and turned her back to Costia before walking towards her balcony. She could see the army forming just outside the gates… She needed to make a decision. “I’m not going to go out of my way to prove that I care for you, Costia.” How dare she question that… That love was what made this so difficult.

“I want you in the third Trikru unit; front lines. I’ll be in the first.” Her hands wrapped around the banister tightly as she fought to control her mixed emotions. “If you want to fight then so be it. Fight these ‘unpredictable enemies’ you’re so afraid of—but you will not be by my side Costia. Azgeda has already used you against me once I will not allow the Skaikru to do it as well.” She drew in a hard and shaking breath as her hands tightened at the thought. They were going to kill them all.

She turned around with a deep and serious expression—her eyes heavy with the pressure of every thought in her mind—even those that did not belong to her. “On the field, you will not disobey me. If you come with me you are serving me as your Heda—you are not joining me as my lover.”

OWL

[Costia]

"You don't have to prove anything to me Lexa" Costia muttered as the Commander walked to stand on her balcony. She knew that she'd crossed the line and although she didn't wish to put Lexa in a difficult position she felt as if everything she had said, had needed to be said. A warrior was supposed to fight, it was what they knew, what they were trained for.

Just as she was about to give up and give in to the idea that Lexa would never allow her to join the battle she heard the Commander's next words. "Lexa, the opportunity to fight is all that I ask for, I do not care where you put me, I just do not wish to be treated like a child" she told her, following the Commanders movements carefully. "I am more concerned that you do not seem to be afraid, fear is what keeps you alive Lexa" she muttered, her voice now displayed no emotion, it was neither relieved, nor angry. "I have no intention of being used by anyone ever again Lexa" lowering her gaze she resisted the urge to shudder, those memories still haunted her, they were memories that she wanted to forget but knew she would never be able leave that in the past, but she had to try.

As she heard movement, she looked up to see Lexa had turned to face her and she found that she was nodding along to her words "I give you my word Lexa, I will obey your every word, I will not disobey you" she dipped her head out of respect to the Commander. "I understand, in battle you are my superior, I am your subject, I promise that I will not be disobedient"

amber3

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

“You never had any intention of being used, Costia.” She shot back, only her voice wasn’t as aggressive. The memories were harsh ones, and Costia experienced it firsthand. They both had their demons; their nightmares but Costia’s were greater. Lexa still held a certain amount of resentment for her position in her heart. Nothing would have happened to her if she was with someone in TonDC. “You weren’t weak—it happened. It could very well happen again. That is not your fault, but I can’t afford it to happen again.” She couldn’t be at Queen Nia’s mercy... Ever again. The woman deserved a fate worse than death, but she had an image to uphold. A standard. When Costia spoke, Lexa’s shoulders relaxed ever so slightly. She understood... She wasn’t going to challenge her position.

Slowly Lexa turned to look at her through worried eyes and a stern expression. “They can’t know that you’re mine... Not the sky people, not the mountain men... I won’t have you targeted by them as a means to get to me. We are going to wipe them out without warning—and hopefully we will never have to deal with sky people ever again.” She chose her words carefully as she looked over her warrior love... She didn’t want her on that field, but she understood the need to fight within her. They all had it—and keeping her behind Polis walls wasn’t fair. “I am not afraid, Costia. I am angry. We are prepared for the weapons they have—which is why we will not give them a chance for retaliation or preparations. They have guns and we have numbers. My scouts say they are setting up their camps and defenses, and if we strike now they will fall hard.”

With a small sigh she looked down for a moment. “I ordered the armies to get into their sectors before dawn... We move out at first light. You can go... if you’d like. Or you can stay here until we leave...”

OWL

[Costia]

"It happened, but it could have been avoided" Costia muttered, closing her eyes against the images that flooded her mind whenever somebody reminded her of the time Azgeda had tried to take advantage of her relationship with the Commander. The time in which she had been tortured for information that she did not possess. She never wanted to be in that position again, she never again wanted to feel the pain she had to endure as a prisoner of the Ice Queen. More than her desire for self-preservation, Costia knew how much it pained Lexa to see her hurting, how much it worried her that history could repeat itself and she would do almost anything to keep her from harm.

As Lexa turned to face her, Costia felt a small twinge of guilt spark in her gut at the look in her eyes. The warrior could read her lover fairly easily most of the time, unless Lexa was trying particularly hard to block her out. They'd spent the majority of their lives together, she'd learnt almost everything about her during that time. The things that she loved, the things that she hated, her favourite places to be and favourite things to do and yet, there was so much that remained a mystery to Costia, things that Lexa either couldn't tell her or wouldn't. "I trust your judgement Lexa, we will do what we must to protect our people and keep them from harm" she took a moment to clear her throat, to rid her voice of anything that might betray the emotions that had been wrestling within her moments ago. "Our losses will be great, even if we do take them by surprise, there is no denying that... Their technology, their advanced weaponry, I do not doubt the armies capabilities, we have taken down bigger armies than that of the Skaikru, but I do think that you're underestimating the damage that their weapons can do" sub-consciously she lowered herself to sit upon the bed, her gaze never leaving Lexa. This was a more comfortable position for her to be in, a familiar position that Lexa would not see as challenging, it was relaxed.

"I do not see how the Sky People or the Mountain Men would ever find out about us Lexa, we are not exactly on speaking terms" the warrior muttered, it wasn't exactly meant to come out sounding like a joke, but it did. However there was truth in the words, Costia and Lexa rarely showed affection in public, those moments were reserved for their time alone, when they could go undisturbed. "When we do wipe out Skaikru, we'll still have the Mountain to worry about, the question still remains which is the bigger threat? The old enemy whom continues to take our people into the mountain for an unknown reason or the new enemy that has been slaughtering anybody who they view as a threat, even if that means slaughtering children" the warriors heart wept for the people Skaikru had slaughtered in Tondc, the children that were rumoured to have died there. At Lexa's words, Costia watched her intently, a questioning look upon her face "What would you have me do Lexa? Should I go? Or should I stay?" Costia asked her, folding her hands in her lap as she awaited what she viewed as a straightforward answer.

amber3

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

Lexa heard Costia's concerns, but they were more of the same. She knew the losses would be great and she also knew that the mountain was impenetrable and there was no hope in destroying it-- so she replied to neither of her questions. Instead, she watched as she sat down and heard her as she said that they were not on speaking terms... that was a little harsh, Lexa thought. Though when she actually thought of it, she knew that Costia was right. Titus had been wedging between them, and after the situation of Costia's kidnapping she couldn't help letting him... "We are on speaking terms," she said after a moment as she walked back into the room. She stood before Costia for a moment and reached out to cup her jaw with both her hands.

"We're on more than speaking terms... We share a bed." The commanders before her were not hindered by these emotions, and the spirit made it harder for Lexa to truly feel. "I want you to stay here, and you'll move out with me at first light." Lexa's frown was still in place as she pushed Costia's hair back and away from her face. "Don't worry about the Mountain or their technology. They fell from the sky... They are scared, fragile people that we can smother with numbers." Lexa leaned in to kiss Costia slowly-- hesitantly almost... It'd been a while since the two even exchanged intimacy.

OWL

[Costia]

As she watched Lexa walk back into the room and approach her, she felt her hands touch her face, cupping her jaw in both her hands, Costia was forced to meet her gaze. "I feel as if there is this wall between us Lexa, it was never there before and I do not understand why it is there now" she told her. She'd never felt this way back before Lexa became the Heda, or even before Costia was taken by Azgeda, she felt like everything had changed between them, it was even more isolating in Polis, Costia really only had Lexa to talk to, Gustus was back in Tondc, as were all of the friends she had come to know growing up in the village.

She nodded at Lexa's words, accepting that she'd prefer to stay with her before they marched into battle. Maybe it was the need Costia felt to be close to Lexa that prevented her from leaving or the fact that Lexa wanted her to stay. "Scared people are often dangerous Lexa" she muttered, knowing how many warriors often underestimated the ability of their foes just because they appeared to be scared. As Lexa leaned in to kiss her, Costia momentarily pulled away, as if unsure about the display of affection. However, after the initial hesitation had passed, the warrior leaned in to kiss her, the affection had been missed. Costia couldn't remember the last time they'd touched like this, it wasn't unwanted, she was just unsure of it.

amber3

[Deleted]

if i'm a danger to myself Just think what I could do to you tagged Costia

Lexa allowed Costia to pull away, but her eyes were wide with surprise and worry. She knew it had been a long while, but surely Costia still wanted her. Surely she still wanted to be with her in this way... slowly, Costia kissed her back and Lexa's brow furrowed. Her hands moved into her hair, stroking it back and away from her face. "We will win this war, Costia." she said softly. "If we could win against Azgeda, we can win against people who do not know our ways... They have only seen the strength of one village. We will bring the strength of eleven clans down on their heads..." she moved onto the bed, over Costia's lap with her knees on either side as she kissed her deeper. Her hands rested now on the back of her neck.

"Then we will come home, and everything will be as it was." She pulled back just enough to look at Costia in the eye. "You're more than my subject... All I ask is that you follow my orders as Heda... That is the only wall between us. I will break that wall down and shatter it into oblivion before I let it separate us." Her hands moved up again to cup her face-- her gaze sincere. "Do you understand?"

OWL