Paint It Black

[cherry1]

It was silent. Which was to be expected at this time of night. Everyone was long gone leaving only Raven alone here with her thoughts. She slowly walked the familiar path to the makeshift bar sitting at the seat always reserved for her. That she always reserved for her. Her hip was more painful than ever lately, the added damage from the explosion not helping matters. It was why she was here at the bar. Because she had nowhere else to go. This was where she forgot about her problems, at first numbing them with drinks and then finally using companionship to help ease the pain. Gena was her friend, one of her only friends really. Since Clarke left, Raven thought she’d be left to wallow in her thoughts alone, but then she met her. And suddenly she wasn’t so alone. It became a routine, stopping by at the bar, ordering the usual, and eventually opening up.

But now that was gone. And it was all her fault. Leaning over the bar, an old rag caught her eye. Holding it in her hand, a nostalgic smile graced her lips as she remembered telling Gena it was damn biohazard. A smudge of blood reminding her of when she’d cut her hand because of a stupid bet they’d made together with Raven using it to stop the bleeding. Laughing at how silly they’d been all the way to medical. Gena’s laugh rang in her head. How long until she’d forget how that sounded? Raven tried to remember Finn’s laugh, his voice, his smile. It was all slowly fading away, just like the memories of her mom. All her fault too. There was so much blood on her hands. Groaning audibly in frustration, Raven took the first thing she could find, in this case an old glass cup, and hurled it to the ground. The sound of it smashing did little to ease her mind. Hiding her head in her arms on the counter Raven felt the tears sting her eyes as they began to fall again. Why did she destroy everything she touched?

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

In a matter of moments, everything had changed. Everything had shattered. It had been one thing after another, mere seconds separating them. Echo's betrayal. Clarke's rejection. Gena's death. Gena. The one woman who didn't betray him, was the one who died. The one woman who had always been at his side, who had supported him . . . saved him after Mount Weather. She was gone. And why? Because he had trusted Echo. Because he had let her use Mount Weather to manipulate him.

Every Grounder he came in contact with, every Grounder that he trusted . . . well, it only ended in betrayal. As if that weren't enough, Kane, Abby and Clarke had committed them to be under Lexa's rule. There was no negotation it seemed. Not even terms to get the damn kill order lifted off Lincoln. The three of them practically groveled at the Commander's feet, forgetting about what she had done the last time. And yet, they seemed to trust her. They seemed to believe this time would be different.

Hadn't they lost enough? Nothing about this alliance strengthened them. Nothing about it made them safe. And Clarke . . . well, he was done with her. This would be the last time he asked her to come home, unable to bear another rejection from her. Which, he had. He wouldn't ask her again. He was done. There was only so much he could do. All the anger, hurt and pain was too much to find the ease of sleep. It had been easier to rest with Gena in his arms next to him. She had eased the nightmares he had, the horrific and hauting images.

She had made him feel safe. She was the first woman he had ever been in a relationship with. He had always feared allowing himself to love and be loved, considering what happened to those that he did love . . . his failures. His mother. Octavia. And now, Gena. He had failed her, massively. Her death, the 36 others who died . . . they were more blood on his hands. More weight on his conscience. And Bellamy felt himself truly starting to break under everything.

His leg was not healed; in fact, the over exertion of it made it almost worse. But this kind of physical pain, he could deal with. Hell it was practically numb from the emotional pain. He made his way to the one place that he dreadd being, and yet the only other place he could think to be at. He was just outside the entrance when he heard a glass shatter. And something told him it wasn't by accident.

Stepping through the thresshold he saw Raven, her head in his arms. He paused for a moment, swallowing back the emotions . . . or well trying to. Raven and Gena had been close friends. He figured that if anyone knew what he was going through, it would be her. After having lost Finn. To Grounders as well. All the more proof of how they always gave the Grounders what they demanded . . . and recieved only betrayal in the end. Finn had given his life for the truce, and what did it result in? Nothing. For the truce was only so good once the Arkers did their work. Blood must have blood his ass. Because when it came to the real enemies, the ones who had killed so many of their people . . . the grounders didnt give a shit. They had let the mountain men live.

He limped his way to where Raven was, silently taking a seat on the stool next to her. He looked ahead of him. Looking at nothing. No one there. He would never see Gena again. He would never hold her. Touch her. See her beautiful smile. Bask in the aura of goodness and comfort that radiated from her. She was gone. Forever. And he didn't know how to cope with that. Reaching for a bottle, Bellamy didn't even bother to get a cup. He just put it to his lips and took an extra large swig of the beverage.

To hell with being responsible. He seldom ever drank. On the Ark it had been to protect Octavia, fearful of words that would slip out in his inebriated state that could compromise her safety. Down here, he hadn't drank in order to protect the delinquents, to make sure he once again, wasn't compromised. But he was tired. So damn tired of living for other people. It had gotten him nothing but lies, betrayal and losing people he cared about. After a couple large swigs he silently offered the bottle to Raven, not even sure what to say in this moment of heartbreaking grief.

[cherry1]

At the sound of footsteps Raven hurriedly wiped the tears from her face, trying and failing to clean herself up. So she wouldn’t look so damn pathetic. When she saw who it was however, she stopped. There was no need to hide how she felt from him. Because he was probably one of the only people here who felt the same way she did, if not worse. Looking away after taking a glance at him, Raven couldn’t say a word. They’d barely spoken since he returned from Polis, neither of them quite knowing the right words to say.

She couldn’t even bare to look at him without feeling overwhelming guilt. He had loved her after all, even more than Raven. And dammit she should have saved her. It wouldn’t even be surprising if Bellamy wished she had taken her place and that Gena could be here safe and the blast could have taken Raven instead. Hell she knew it was what she wished for every moment Gena wasn’t here, serving them drinks, and laughing like the ground wasn’t filled with evil people who wanted to start a war at every turn.

Silently and gladly Raven accepted the bottle he offered, similarly taking a swig. The burning sensation of the drink slowly numbing the pain she was feeling, both physical and mental. It was too temporary though. Every time she opened her eyes, she expected to find Gena there wiping down the glasses or serving up a drink with that old familiar smile on her lips. If it killed her this much, god knows how it felt for Bellamy.

But she did know. She knew exactly how he was feeling. The pointlessness of Finn’s death never far from her thoughts. She felt the tears falling again, not even bothering to wipe them away this time. Usually she would hate showing weakness like this but right now with him, she didn’t care. Hiding a quite sob as a cough Raven quickly took another swig, her face twisting at the bitter taste. “She never did teach me how to mix a drink.” It was a talent of Gena’s and a silly little agreement they’d made. She would teach Raven how to mix a drink properly, and Raven would teach her how to hotwire a car. But they never made the time. Now they never would. At a time like this these words probably weren’t the right ones to say to him, but they were all she had for now.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Damn he hated to see her cry. But if anyone had the right to, it was Raven. She was one of the strongest people he knew, and she had been through hell and back. Only for them to endure it again. He had no words of comfort to offer. He was at a complete loss. It was Gena who was fantastic at this. She always knew what to say. For people like him and Raven to connect to someone so strongly . . . well, it took a damn special someone. And that person had been Gena. He loved her. And he regretted every decision he had made, every action that resulted in her death.

Bellamy felt too ashamed to look at Raven right now. How naive he had been to think that he could trust Echo. To believe that the moment they shared in Mount Weathe was worth something. All it had done, was caused him to lose someone he loved. Raven's concealed sob reminded him all too much of how she sounded on the walkie. How she had been sobbing, telling him she was sorry. He knew then and there that she was gone. He hadn't even needed to ask. He knew she was gone. And even then, even after hearing Raven cry, even after seeing the pain in his face, knowing the loss they had all suffered of 36 Arkers . . . Clarke still decided not to come home.

Bellamy took another large chug after Raven, her words filling the silent air. It was all too welcome. He heavily swallowed, thinking back of all those times he had stayed late after Gena's shift. All the teases, the fun the two had engaged in. He would not recover from her death. He knew that. He had allowed himself to love and be loved . . . he had lost her. Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was a damn idiot. "I wasn't as good as her," he pointed out, staring at the nothingness in front of him. Hearing more than seeing her tears was making it difficult to keep his own in control.

The last breakdown he had was when he came back from the first supply run at Mount Weather. And it had been Gena's arms he found comfort in. "No one is." Was. Past tense. Because she was dead. The mere thought, the realization, made him feel sick. Made him feel like there was a whole in his heart; a never wavering pain that would forever remain. Burned into him. Taking another rather large swig, he offered the bottle back to Raven before swallowing. "Should we try it?" Mix a drink, in Gena's honor. Bellamy wouldn't be able to do it alone. Hell, he was actually releived that Raven was here. Because she understood. No one else understood as well as she. And, he wouldn't mix a drink or even touch anything behind the bar unless she joined him.

[cherry1]

It was difficult to talk about her, especially with the pain so fresh, and especially with him. It was a raw kind of hurt, like the burn of a drink down her throat. Another thing she would always associate with Gena. At least that meant with every drink she’d always been in her thoughts. Hell it’s probably what she would have wanted, Raven thought with a small smile. Adjusting her thoughts and words to the past, to accommodate the realisation that Gena was gone made it difficult to stop the tears, but she managed it. She nodded at his offer to mix a drink in her honour, taking another silent drink from the bottle he offered her. She was going to need that liquid courage if they were going to get through this.

“We’re going to be so bad at this,” she said with a sigh standing up from the chair and slowly hobbling her way to the other side of the bar. Gena’s side. “She’d probably laugh at us.” And their pathetic attempt at mixing any sort of drink. That laugh that they would never hear again. Taking a couple bottles from the stash beneath the bar, Raven slowly set them down on the counter-top. “Here, try these.” Anything to distract them from talking about what was really hurting them. But at least neither of them were alone right now. Though the guilt at seeing his face threatened to crush her, she dreaded to think of the thoughts that would haunt her should she be left alone. Or rather the thoughts awaiting her. That familiar inevitable anger at the grounders that she’d only just barely managed to keep under control after Finn’s death was once again bubbling to the surface. And she wasn't sure if she had the strength to suppress it this time. 

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy's gaze followed Raven as she got up and moved to the other side of the bar, vocalizing that they were going to suck at this. She was right about that. There were many things that Gena was capable of, that neither of them were. It went beyond making drinks but this was all they could focus on right now. Which was why he had even made the suggestion. Raven then spoke of how Gena would probably laugh at them. Something else that Bellamy readily agreed with. He could see it so perfectly. Raven and him trying to make a drink, mixing random stuff together with Gena just silently watching and laughing. Letting them make the mistake if only to teaes them about it. If only to make them all smile and join in the laughter. She really was the light in this world of darkness. And she was gone.

Never to grace them with her presence; her smile, her laughter, her heart. Needing to force down these emotions, just focused on Raven as she pulled out a couple of bottles. He reached for them a poured a bit of each into a cup, adding in the first bottle that they had been drinking from too. Bellamy didn't even bother waiting for the mixer. He just swished it around in the cup and took a sip. As soon as he did, he made a bit of a face, though swallowed it down. "Tastes like shit," he stated as he passed the cup to Raven to try it. But it had alcohol so it still did the trick. "She'd laugh so damn hard at us," Bellamy said, referencing Raven's earlier words. He could feel it. The tightening in his throat, his stomach feeling twisted, his heart feeling as if it was literally breaking. "I miss her." He didn't even realize that the words had come out, spoken in a low volume, thick with emotion . . . and he noticed even less that his eyes were a little moist with unfallen tears.

[cherry1]

She slowly took the cup from Bellamy, a small smile on her face at his reaction to the drink. It didn’t look very promising but she took a sip anyway. If only for Gena. “It sure does,” she said with a short laugh that quickly turned into a cough at the bitter taste. “Ugh that drink is damn biohazard.” The words were bittersweet. Similar to the type of thing she’d say to her. It was honestly terrible but that wasn’t the point. It was never the point. They were both here because Gena provided them with an escape. Someone to talk to right here at this very bar. Hell she even got through to Bellamy after everything that happened in Mount Weather and that was no easy task. But that was just who she was. She made the pain go away even if it was just for a little while. Like a ray of light in this forever dark world. A light that was snuffed out to soon. By them. The grounders.

If the room wasn’t so empty and silent Raven probably wouldn’t have heard Bellamy’s quiet confession. It was strange to see him so vulnerable, and to be vulnerable with him. Neither of them were usually the type. But she guessed they were both a little different when it concerned Gena. “I miss her too.” Walking back round the bar, Raven took her original seat next to Bellamy, noticing the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. That in itself almost forced her to do the same. But she wanted to be strong. If only for a moment. This moment. “She was too good for us.” She said, a bitter smile on her face and toying with the glass in hand. “Too good for this place.” Gena had always deserved better. “Let’s raise a glass,” holding up her cup to Bellamy she quickly swallowed down the tears. “To Gena, may we meet again.” Her breath hitched at the last word, but she hid it in her drink, taking another sip only this time appreciating the bitterness burning down her throat.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

That flicker of a smile that graced her features encouraged his own brief expression of amusement. Albeit, a short lasting one, but it was there for the moment she drank the beverage and shared his opinion on it, claiming it was a biohazard. That it was. His own words however had brought the fun of mixing drinks to an end, and he was well aware that he had been the one to kill the mood. It was impossible not to. This was Gena's domain. This was the place that he and Raven had frequented to spend time with her. Her aura of light and beauty so entrancing; enthralling. She captured the hearts of so many people. Raven's words of her being too good for them . . . were painfully true. Bellamy had always believed he didn't deserve love, and he knew he didn't deserve Gena. Recent events proved it. That fear of failing someone he loved again, proven to come true with Gena's death.

He had let it happen. He had put her in a position that caused her death. He should never have been with her. He should never have been selfish. She would still be alive now had he not given in to his own selfish desires to be with her. What the hell was wrong with him. Why the hell did he ignore the past; the pattern of failing others. "She was," he admitted in a low voice. Too good for them, for him. Too good for this damn place. "She deserved better." Better than what he had given her. Better than what had happened to her. Raven suggested raising a glass, and Bellamy reached for the bottle, taking in the toast. "May we meet again," he repeated before taking a large swig of the beverage that he no longer felt the burn of. The pai was fixated elsewhere. He felt lost without her. Broken. What the hell did he do now? How could he ever move past her death?

He didn't know how long he had been just sitting in silence for before speaking, unable to make eye contact with Raven. "I shouldn't have loved her." A single tear rolled down his cheeks as he vocalized his thoughts, his emotions. He had never told Gena he loved her. This was the first verbal admittance of how he felt about her. He felt it though. And he knew she loved him too, which made it so much more painful. He should have been stronger. He never should have let it come to this. He should never have started a relationship with her. She suffered for it now. He was nothing but a burden to her . . . the reason for her death. Bellamy knew now how right Raven was to push away people who cared about her.

Wick. She had pushed him away, and it made sense why, whether it was for the same reasons Bellamy had always been unable to be in a relationship or not. Love should be a strength, but it only jeapordized the other person . . . at least in his world. It was not a strength or blessing to love him or be loved by him . . . it was a damn curse. Bellamy's tongue ran over his lips as he sniffed, trying to gain control of his emotions right now. "She deserved better," he reiterated, only this time, in reference to his admittance of loving her. The best way to protect someone was to not let them in. He had been so happy with her . . . but it had cost her her life. He had taken her from the others she loved and who loved her. He had taken her from Raven. He expected her anger over that, hell, he would welcome it. Because it would not be misplaced.

[cherry1]

Raven felt a small stab of guilt at the sincerity of Bellamy’s words. She hadn’t meant to make him feel any worse, but it was difficult to be the comforting shoulder to cry on when she felt that pain too. When she grieved too. And besides making others feel better had never been her strong suit. Another thing Gena was definitely better at. She balanced him out, and gave him something to live for. Hell Raven had definitely seen that change in him. Mount Weather threatened to break him, break them all especially after Clarke left but it didn’t. Because of her. It gave her hope that maybe something good could blossom in this godforsaken place after all. What a silly, naïve thought to have.

"I shouldn't have loved her." His admittance and the emotion that came with it pained her. The guilt in his voice so reminiscent of the guilt growing in her own heart. He was wrong though. Even now, Raven thought him brave to seek someone out and love them and be loved by them. Bravery she didn’t possess. It’s why she pushed Wick away. Afraid her darkness would snuff out his light. But it wasn’t the same. Bellamy’s love wasn’t the reason Gena died. He couldn’t think that. She wouldn’t want him too. And since she wasn’t here to say that, Raven supposed she’d have to.

As he repeated himself, she raised a hand, wanting to help him, comfort him perhaps, but she just couldn’t. She didn't know how to be that person for him. Choosing instead to lower it on the table between them, hoping he’d understand. “It wasn’t your fault.” If anyone’s it was hers. “Gena died trying to save everyone, she made the choice to help. You don’t get to take that away from her.” Her words were hollow, lacking full sincerity. It was obvious she was saying them for his benefit. There was no doubt in the pointlessness of her death, of all their deaths in Mount Weather. But perhaps lying to him, to herself would make the pain subside. A tactic she already knew wouldn’t work. Hadn’t that been how she’d tried to move past Finn’s death? It still haunted her. A now Gena’s would to.

“And anyway,” she paused her voice heavy with unshed tears. “I’m the one that left her in that room.” So much for trying to lie and allow Gena the dignity of a meaningful death. “I should’ve…” saved her, or tried harder at least. Maybe if she’d gotten to the president’s office in time and left Sinclair to handle the assassin they would all still be alive. Even Gena. Sure the chances of that were slim but there was still a chance. More 'what if’s' to plague her at night. As if the thoughts of what she could’ve done to save Finn, and help her mother, weren’t enough. “I’m…” she wiped the tears from her eyes before they had a chance to fall. “I’m sorry,” she said looking away. Unable to make eye contact, fearing the possible and completely warranted anger or disappointment in his gaze as he probably realised the truth behind her words.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

It wasn't his fault. That was what people told him. It wasn't his fault. It was the Ice Nation's fault. That was the default, wasn't it? Blaming the Grounders. Rightfully so too. Bellamy was infuriated at them. But he was more angry at himself. It wasn't his fault? No. She was wrong. Everyone was wrong. This was one time he could not remain silent. He blamed himself. Hell, he wanted Raven to blame him too. He deserved it. When Clarke had left, the blame for those devestated about Mount Weather, had been thrust upon him. Well, him and Monty. Mostly from Jasper. No one blamed the Grounders. It was never the Grounders, was it?

Not really. Because they should not be so naive when it came to them. What the hell have the Grounders done for their people anyway? They just took from them; demanded from them. And yet, they struck them again and again. Taking everything, their very humanity . . . leaving fragments of the Arkers' souls behind. But no. It was never the Grounders. They were siding with them, apparently. A woman who left them for dead was now in charge of them. It made Bellamy feel sick. But right now, there was not that anger at the surface. It was the pain. He didn't know which was better suited for the moment.

"She went, because of me." After what happened with Clarke and his leg, Gena had come to Mount Weather as a support figure for him. To be there for him. "She stayed, because of me." He told her to stay. He told her to help them out with the missiles. He knew that if he asked her to come, she would have. He should have. "I trusted a Grounder." Echo. He vouched for her. Convinced Pike and the others she could be trusted. "So don't tell me it's not my damnn fault." His voice was not angry nor raised.

In fact, it held an ever so slight tremble to it, filled with self loathing. And yet, Raven was the one who blamed herself. No. That was guilt she did not deserve to burden her shoulders. He couldn't look at her, but knew her tears began to fall as freely as his own. In the span of mere moments, so many relationships were severed. "Cause it sure as hell isn't yours." He knew it was easier to say than to believe. He was blaming himself after all, and though he wished Raven would exempt herself of blame . . . his mere words wouldn't be enough to do that. "I thought things would be different." With the Grounders. With everything. He thought they had been through all the suffering; all the loss; all the pain. "I was wrong." And Gena paid the price for it. "Things will never be different." Not until the threat was permanently eliminated.

[cherry1]

Finally looking up at him as he spoke, she saw something in his eyes, but it wasn’t the anger and disappointment she’d expected. It was guilt, soul crushing guilt. It was so recognisable to her because it was familiar and akin to what she felt at that very same moment. In the state they were both in, neither of them would likely be much help to the other. But there was no one else in the entire camp Raven would willingly be able to talk to. Because there was no one else who felt the agonising pain they did. Every word he said, she could say the same. That she left her in that room, afraid and alone, that she hadn’t been fast enough or smart enough to save not only her but the others in Mount Weather. As if that damn mountain hadn’t caused her enough grief already.

"Things will never be different." How could she tell him he was wrong when she agreed so completely? “No, they won’t. I’ve always known that.” Ever since Mount Weather and Lexa's betrayal. What happened to Gena was the perfect example of how peace with the grounders was a naïve fantasy. Seeing as this wasn’t the first time someone she loved had been pointlessly killed by them because they broke their trust. It was going to keep happening and they were helpless to stop it. “But blame the grounders,” she finally said, her voice low but filled with anger. Anger she needed to pour somewhere, so why not into hate for them. At least it would be better than hating herself. Though she had a feeling she’d probably be able to do both.

“They’ve taken so much from me, from you.” And given them nothing in return. “Since I’m not gonna let you blame yourself, and you’re not gonna blame me…” She put a hand on his shoulder, looking him in the eyes. “Then you take that anger out on them.” There it was, finally some sincerity in her words. Because she believed in every single one. “Trust me, Bellamy. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day they’re gonna get what’s coming to them.” Even if Raven had to deliver that blow herself. Perhaps it was the alcohol talking, Gena had always warned her not to lose herself in the drink. But Gena wasn't here right now and never would be again. And besides Raven felt distinct clarity as she spoke those words.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She agreed with him. Agreeing that things weren't going to change. That they would always be this way. The Grounders would continue to take everything from the Arkers. And demand more from them. Until there was nothing left to give. They had done all within heir power to amintain peace. To try and fulfill in whatever demands were expected of them. And what were they given in return to that? Betrayal. Every time, it was met with damn betrayal. They had saved the lives of the Grounders, they had saved future generations from the wrath of Mount Weather . . . yet that didn't matter. They cared only about themselves. Only about their own people. Damn whoever else stood in their way. Raven was right. The blame should be placed on them. That in no way meant that Bellamy would stop blaming himself.

He would. Gena's death was the one he would not recover from. She had saved whatever was left of his heart after Mount Weather, and it died with her int he same facility. But in it's place, was left a burning rage for the people who -- as Raven so accurately stated -- had taken so much from both of them. Each of them had lost someone they loved. Her Finn, he Gena. Though he knew that she loved Gena too, as a friend. It wouldn't end. It wouldn't stop, until the Grounders were stopped. Bellamy looked at Raven when he felt the comfort of her hand on his shoulder, making eye contact with her.

He could see and hear the sincerity in her words. She was the only other person who had offered him this support -- Pike being the other. It was as if no one else understood. No one else could see it. his anger toward Clarke, Marcus and Abby was starting to come out. Raven deserved to know. She deserved to know the idiocy that had ensued at the summit. "They will. If I have anything to say or do about it, they will." He was furious. Lexa claimed that together, they would avenge the Arkers, but the orders they were given countered that. And Raven, deserved to know.

"They're following her," he began to tell her. It would only be a matter of time before she found out. Before everyone found out. He didn't know the details of the summit, but he knew the gist of it. He tore his gaze away from her, his hands cradling the bottle he was drinking from, trying to keep his anger composed, but he felt a slight tremble in his hands whilst clutching the bottle. "As if they forgot what she had done." Betrayed them. Betrayed their people. Yet now, they had embraced her. Clarke embraced her. "Clarke chose to stay, with her." He wasn't thinking anymore. He didn't care what was coming out from his mouth.

Raven's words were the most logical ones he had heard, along with Pike's. He was beyond angry, beyond hurt. Unrecovered from Clarke's second rejection. He had gone after her like a fool, and in return . . . was dismissed and tossed aside. It hurt. To give a person everything, to get nothing in return. He was so damn tired of living for everyone else. "We're ordered not to retliate." That was the kicker. They were not to make a move against Azgeda or any Grounders. Not until further instructed. They were Grounder bitches now. Following the lead of the Commander who had betrayed them. What happened to logic? What happened to reason? It was gone. Tossed out the window, and Bellamy used another large drink of the beverage to help keep his emotions in check . . . though was royally failing at it. Gena was dead, and he couldn't even bring to justice the people who murdered her.

[cherry1]

Bellamy was on the same page about getting revenge on the grounders it seemed. It was still unclear to her whether that was a good thing or not but it didn’t really matter. Not now anyway. The solidarity it provided made her feel better, or at least less alone. She didn’t have to hate them on her own anymore, or feel the need to suppress the burning anger and guilt she kept in the pit of her stomach for what felt like forever. Because now, she could see that Bellamy felt it too. It was selfish and probably counterproductive to grieving healthily, but what the hell did she know about grieving properly. It just wasn’t her, she couldn’t lie to him to make him feel better when she felt just as broken as he did. It was ironic that the person best suited to the job of helping both of them through this, was the reason they were both in this state. It would be funny if it wasn’t so damn tragic.

Raven thought nothing could add to her hatred, her anger, the pit of despair she’d been thrown into since she got to the ground. But as Bellamy spoke his next words, she realised she’d been dead wrong. It was safe to assume he was talking about the commander, Lexa. The girl who’d demanded Finn’s death in return for a truce that bitch broke anyway. And now they were what? “Following Lexa? Are they insane?” Her voice was raised and angry. It was just like Bellamy had said, nothing would change and they were doomed to be at the mercy of the grounders for what seemed like forever. “They can’t do that. Not again!” Her fist slammed on the table forcing her to stand up. It was like nobody understood logic. What’s to stop her from betraying them again. The grounders would never accept them as their own. The explosion at Mount Weather made that painfully obvious. And yet…"Clarke chose to stay, with her." Those words shouldn’t have hurt as much as they did. Or surprised her as much as they did. But dammit surely Clarke of all people should understand what they, what Lexa took from both of them. “How could she...” Raven felt as if the breath had been knocked out of her, sitting back down burying her head between her arms. But she had to appreciate Bellamy’s honesty. Grateful that he was being straight with her. She valued that.

Ordered not to retaliate. “Ordered?” Raven gave a short sarcastic laugh at that, looking up at Bellamy again. Like they were a bunch of lapdogs here to do the commander’s bidding. Not. Likely. “They can’t order us to do shit.” Raven was no one’s bitch, and certainly not Lexa’s of all people. “Gena? All those innocent people? And we’re just supposed to sit here and do nothing?” They were blown off the face of the Earth in the most ruthless way. They deserved justice. And the grounders deserved retribution. “God, I’d blow them all away if I had to.” It was all talk, mere speculation and maybe a little alcohol, taking another swig from the now almost empty bottle Raven continued. “If I wanted to.” And she did, she so did. But the fear of what the consequences would be for the rest of the camp kept her suggestions completely hypothetical. That didn’t make the bitter thoughts any less sweet though. The anger was a helpful distraction. But it wouldn’t last long. Raven was already resigned to the deep exhausting but oh so familiar grief that awaited her when she was alone.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: cherry1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Raven's words questioning the sanity of the others in their decision to follow Lexa was one that he himelf had. Are they insane indeed. They sure as hell sounded like it. Following a woman who had left them for dead. Suddenly have a misplaced trust for her that was not earned nor justified. "They did," Bellamy confirmed, her fist slamming on the table didn't make him jolt with surprise or feel anything other than understanding Raven's anger. She of all people had a right to be angry about it. They had taken Finn from her. But that was what they did. They took, and took and took. They left the Arkers to suffer all the losses and make all the sarcfices. To hell with how they felt, so long as they bowed down to the Grounders. "She swore to avenge what happened." His words held an underlying tone of anger. Hell, he was so angry he couldn't even express it. But it was clear that what he said, was not a reassurance.

"But they aren't. No one is. Not the Grounders. Not us." They were not to retaliate as he had heard. Why did they have to rely on Grounders to even retaliate? What did the Grounders lose in Mount Weather? If the situation were reversed, they would most likely be demanding the Arkers assistance in striking back . . . or striking them. But no. Because it was Arkers lives lost, it didn't matter. It was irrelevant. But that was not the case. Gena mattered. Her death alone was enough to make Bellamy want to -- need to -- strike back.

Where was the damn justice in sitting here and doing nothing?! He could hear the pain in Raven's voice over his revelation. Clarke didn't go back for Bellamy. She could hear Raven sobbing on the radio -- her friend -- and didn't go back for her. He was done defending Clarke to people. He was done putting himself out there for her only to receive rejection and dismissal. The way she was dresed even, the way she insincerely told him she was sorry . . . Bellamy forced another large swig of the drink down his throat as some sort of outlet for all the emotions threatening to make him erupt.

Raven was right though. They couldn't order them to do anything . . . they couldn't expect them to just idly sit by. But they did. Bellamy had followed Kane and Abby, he had followed Clarke before that . . . and what good did it do? Nothing. Not a damn thing. It was in this moment that he knew, he no longer wanted to be a victim of authority. He no longer wanted to make the decisions that cost the lives of people he loved. He didn't want the responsibility. He couldn't bear it anymore. So he would give it up. Give his jacket. Leave the guard, because he couldn't take this anymore. "Apparently so," he answered, his voice far too leveled, unnervingly so. "The woman who left us for dead, now decides whether we can avenge our people or not." His words were bitterly sarcastic.

"Taking orders from a Grounder." He nearly scoffed at that. As Raven said, they couldn't order them to do shit. It was her next words that caused him to turn his head to look at her. He knew she could do it too. She had the skills, the expertise. She could create a blast that would destroy them. The vengeful part of him wanted to encourage her to do it. To bomb them so they knew how it felt. "Keep that in mind," he told her. "We may need it." Pike was the only one who was spouting off any logic and reason; he was the only one who made sense in all of this. "Because like you said, to hell with orders. Gena, the others . . . they deserve justice." And if the others wouldn't let them grant it, then they would take matters into their own hands.

[cherry1]

They were destructive around each other, neither really helping the other grieve, only serving to add fuel to the anger that already burned within them. But she needed this, this outlet for her frustration at feeling inadequate. First Abby had her doing stupid odd jobs instead of actually helping and now Lexa was forcing all of them to stay here like sitting ducks and just bow down to her. She was so tired of people deciding what was best for her. Who gave them the right?

Digging her knuckles into her hip she felt like she could scream. One of the only people who had helped distract her from the pain was now gone. Raven owed her so much and now she’d never get a chance to repay her. Instead she’d just gotten her killed. Without Gena, she could’ve been drowning in moonshine months ago in some ditch with Jasper. “After everything she took from us, after…Finn.” She was just drunk enough to be able to speak his name. It stung more than she ever thought it could. Like adding salt to an open wound. Because who was she kidding, she’d never really healed, just buried herself in work and distractions. Just like she’d never really heal from this.

Like hell they’d lift a finger to help them. Grounders never kept their end of any bargain. And they only cared about themselves. Kane and Abby were kidding themselves if they thought otherwise. Because no matter what, it had been proved again and again that it’s us or them. They had no concept for peace. Wasn't that the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results? She wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up sending an army to attack them next. Of course Raven wanted justice but what power did she really have. What power did either of them have? None. "Don't tempt me Blake," Or else she do something stupid/worth it. “Gena would probably say something about violence not being the answer right about now. About how we shouldn’t blame ourselves.” But Raven couldn’t help but disagree. Fueled now by anger all she could think about was getting close enough to Lexa to blow her apart. Gena was always the voice of reason, a voice that they needed. A voice that they lost. “What am I…” Raven wiped her face against her sleeve. “What are we…supposed to do now without her?”