I can't lose you

[Clarke Griffin]

As if she could stop those tears. She needed to concentrate, she knew. But she felt the weight of all of this on her. If he died, it would all be for nothing. If he died she fought for nothing, killed so many people for nothing, at least in her mind. How was this even possible? How could he be in such a bad shape after what he survived? Clarke had no doubt that it was worse due to how his body was already strained, yet he was holding on. She could see that. And she’d do anything to help him win this fight. If someone could survive it, it was him. 

“It’s…. I’ll make it safe, okay?” She didn’t want him to worry about her, but she understood his need to see his sister, the center of his world, his life almost. She knew just how to ease his mind about seeing her. Clarke got up again. This time she didn’t even bother leaving the tent as she radioed Jackson. “Jackson, can you be so kind and send someone to find Octavia? Tell them she need to come see Bellamy. And give them gloves and a surgical mask for her. Just in case.” The man told her it was agreed to and she would be sent to them as soon as possible. Clarke turned back to her tent mate. “You heard. She will be here as soon as possible. The gloves and mask will prevent any possibility of her catching it, if I’m wrong and it is contagious against all odds.” She knew it also meant facing Octavia, but she’d stay in a corner to give them as much privacy as possible, while still keeping an eye on Bellamy in order to rush in and help, should they need it.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She would make it safe. He watched her with slight curiosity as she told Jackson on the talkie to get Octavia and to give her protective gear. Good. That was really good. Even if it wasn't contagious, Clarke was putting his mind at ease that Octavia would indeed be protected either way. She had been immune to the first virus . . . but it was better to be safe than sorry in this case. He continued to look at Clarke as she signed off with Jackson and explained to him what the protective gear was for.

Bellamy reached out to take Clarke's hand in his own, giving her a look of gratitude in case his words failed in conveying how appreciative he was. "Thank you." He also knew that things were tense between Clarke and Octavia. He knew why, as Clarke had told him . . . but he also didn't want them to be at such odds. He couldn't force otherwise, but he didn't want to place them, especially Clarke, in an uncomfortable situation. "You don't have to be here for this. I'll just be a few moments with her." He didn't want to alarm Octavia but he also just needed to see her. She had Lincoln now, she would be ok should anything happen to him. It wasn't that he doubted her own strength, but knowing that she had someone in her life . . . made him feel a lot better. Just like he knew that Clarke had her mother and the others.

[Clarke Griffin]

As if she could leave him. They held hands then and she knew he was just trying to save her the hurt Octavia might be able to dish out, but honestly? She deserved it. She deserved every angry word Octavia had to give her. She’d be here and listen to them. Octavia had told her she was not good enough before, she would sure as hell not leave them to speak alone and not be there should anything change in Bellamys condition. She would be here to help him.

“I will stay. I’ll have to face her eventually, why not start now?” It was a weak explanation, an excuse even, but whatever made him accept her in here easily would do. She just needed to be here just in case his lung got worse. With the equipment outside there was no need to waste any time in helping him. If only the tests came back soon. She kept the walkie in her hand as she got up to walk to the chair close by. Just as she settled there, Octavia came in. Of course her brother was her main focus. Clarke could only imagine that it would be hard for her to see him like that.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy gave a small nod at Clarke. Normally, he would want a moment in private with Octavia, not wanting their conversation to be overheard. But Clarke was always the exception to this. She had seen him in his weakest moments, in his most vulnerable. He had nothing to hide from her. When Octavia came in, she was of course worried to see Bellamy like this, inquiring as to why she had to wear all this protective gear, but he assured her that it was just a precaution and he was fine, and was just recuperating still. He wouldn't tell her anything else until they had something solid to tell. Never the less, he did want to make some things clear.

The first being of how proud he was of her, of the strong person she was. She was always strong, that was what Lincoln had told him, and Bellamy knew that was true. She had an inner strength that unleashed itself now . . . one that had been contained on the Ark because of circumstances. He knew he didn't say these words enough to her and she needed to hear them now. Anything could happen in this place and whether he lived or died, his mind could be at peace that he had finally said them.

He then spoke of doing what had to be done, and she was well aware of the fact that he was partly referring to Tondc. Losing his sister would have killed him, but dwelling on what ifs was not how one survived this place. What mattered was that she was alive, she was here. And Bellamy asked Octavia to move on. He reminded her that he himself had killed 300 people -- people they had grown up with -- on the Ark, but that she didn't condemn him for it.

He asked Octavia to not condemn Clarke anymore, and spoke of how everyone here would only be strong if they worked together. Bellamy was here for his people, the fourty some that were left. He ended his little talk by telling her that they lived with the decisions they made every single day; it was a burden, one that they carried. That they needed the support of others for they may not agree with what they did, but they did it with their people in mind. He wasn't sure how quickly his words would procss in Octavia to bring about change in her, but he could see the wheels turning in her head. She had become more difficult to read since embracing the Grounder culture . . . but she was still his sister.

She hugged him and he raised his arms to return the gesture, sitting upright as best as he could. She asked if he needed anything and told her he was just going to rest. On her way out she glanced at Clarke, though he had no idea what emotion was behind her eyes for he could not see Octavia from that angle. When she was gone, Bellamy, waited a few moments before speaking. "It'll take time, but she'll be alright." Alright with Clarke, he meant. He knew that, he believed that. His sister was his everything and if she could see past the monster he was . . . then surely, she could see past what Clarke did as well. Or at least be able to set her disagreements aside so that they could work together. So that they could protect their people better.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke almost felt like she wanted to vomit as she overheard the talk between brother and sister. He was not seriously doing this? He might be sick, potentially dying, but why would he do this? To protect her like that. He had been mad at her as well and he had every right to. Clarke hadn’t even fully told him why she did half of what she did, how Lexa had played her, what her leverage over Clarke had been the entire time. She remained quiet though, listening to him only, to the way his voice sounded, if there was any sign of his lung getting worse. Clarke felt the worry eating away at her. What if she lost him? What would she tell Octavia? Her look when she left spoke volumes, but Clarke forced herself to smile and nod, hoping to make him believe, that they might be headed in the right direction, despite how not the case it was. 

“She will be alright, Bellamy. She had Lincoln and her friends. And she’s quite the skilled fighter now. She’ll be fine.” They probably wouldn’t be, but she couldn’t blame her. She had to deal with a lot and people Octavia cared about died at her hands. Yet, somehow Clarkes guilt was limited. She needed him, their friends would have died, but worse: He would have. She returned to her bed next to him, reaching for his wrist again to check his pulse. “I want to know what this is.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy was well aware that it would take time, but it was a step in the right direction. Moving on was all they could do, and even Octavia knew that. Especially now. She had stayed for him, abandoning her position among the Grounders. She was with her people, and would eventually move on from what happened. "Emotionally, I mean," he clarified. She had the others but there were select few that he wanted her to remain close with, or at least interact with, void of resentment and anger.

Again, he knew it would take time, but should something happen to him . . . he just wanted her to have the proper people to support her. Lincoln was a huge one. Which was also why Bellamy couldn't hold resentment against him for succumbing to his craving for the red drug as oppose to going to plan. He looked at her as she held his wrist, most likely checking his pulse. "So do I," he said with an ever so slight smile. "Any idea on how long those test results will take?" He asked, trying to withhold a cough. He hated being this weak and feeling so completely drained. He had already lost blood and now he was coughing it up. He wanted to be up and moving as soon as possible.

[Clarke Griffin]

“It can take a while or it can be finished soon. It depends on how fast Jackson finds something. I doubt he’ll set it down before he either found something or is sure there is nothing to find anymore. “ Bellamy had to be fine. It could be anything, but she dreaded the moment they would get the results. The results could change everything. And the way his chest moved now. She needed to know if his lungs were getting worse. Not being able to do anything killed her. What was doing that? What… Clarke felt her throat lock up, her chest felt tight as if someone was squeezing it as tears finally spilled. 

She was helpless to do anything. She couldn’t defend herself against the others, not even Octavia, because she had no place to do so. She needed to take whatever they were hurling at her, no matter how harmful it was to her. And now she couldn’t even help him and it was killing her. She just wanted to be able to do something. Anything. “There… there must be something…. Anything. I can’t just sit here and wait. I need to do something. I can’t…. Bell….”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy knew he would have to remain patient. Jackson would work quickly and thoroughly. He just hated not knowing. He hated his condition right now that was massively hindering and weakening him. He had thought that a day's rest would do it; that leaving the IV and eating as well as drink sufficiently would do it. But it wasn't. He looked at Clarke, seeing the tears spill from her eyes and didn't want her to cry. Not for him. He adjusted his position, trying to sit up a bit more so that he could look at her properly. He knew what that feeling of helplessness felt like.

And he wanted to reassure her that she didn't have to feel it for him. "You've already done so much, Clarke. Probably more than you even know." She had protected him, saved him in so many ways -- both physically, mentally, emotionally even. She did all that she had to protect him -- as well as the others -- in Mount Weather. She had done so much, and he didn't want to dismiss or undermine that. "It'll be fine, alright? I'll be fine." He had to believe that. Death was a scary subject, but it was the only guarantee in life. "You just sitting here, is doing a hell of a lot," he added on with a slight smile. "So just keep doing, ok?" Because she was here, for him, with him. She had stayed for him and that was a lot.

[Clarke Griffin]

“Not enough.” She should have done so much more, even just in Tondc yet she didn’t. It would forever haunt her, but what would break her would be losing Bellamy and not having been able to do something. She hated the feeling of helplessness this situation force upon her. A few days ago she was caught between a rock and a hard place, yet she always knew she had an option, she just had to pick. Now her only option would be wait and pray he’d make it until they knew what to do. She reached out to caress his cheek softly.

“I want to do more, though, Bellamy. And I’m scared. If your lung gets worse, I might have to help you breathe. And if it gets worse from there, we might have to put you on a ventilator. You might be slipping away under my finger and I can’t do a damn thing about it, unless we figure out what this is.” This was just so frustrating. “After everything I did to try and keep you safe in Mount Weather, after every prayer, this might be what brings you down? I don’t like that. I won’t accept that.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She claimed that it wasn't enough, and Bellamy strongly disagreed. Her hand on his cheek was a comforting gesture; the softness of her touch allowing him to feel far more than he probably should be right now. He listened to what she told him, saying that she may have to help him breathe, or put him on a ventilator. A ventilator? Hell no. But at the same time, he couldn't exactly object. He just hoped that he wouldn't need to be dependant on anyone or anything for doing something as simple as breathing . . . which, quite frankly didn't feel quite so simple right now. "We'll figure it out," he assured her . . . as well as assured himself. If wasn't about to give up. "We've accomplished a hell of a lot together. This is something we'll just add on to that list." He just desperately hoped that he would not be proved to be a liar. That he was not speaking words that would later prove just how wrong he was. She mentioned everything she had done to protect him in Mount Weather, only for this to be what defeated him.

"Good. Cause I won't accept it either," he stated with a bit of a smirk. "Clarke you kept me alive in Mount Weather. But you're not responsible for every bad thing that happens to me." Just like now. He didn't want her to feel like she had to be doing more when she was already doing so much. "We'll fight this like we do everything else." He was just so damn tired of fighting, but it seemed to be the constant state of being in this world. "But don't feel like you should be or could be doing more. You've done so much already. Saved my ass more times than I can count," he smirked with amusement. His smirk soon faded, wanted her to know how much he meant what he said next. "You stayed. That's all I wanted." She had stayed, for him. And it meant the world, knowing how distraught she was about what happened in Mount Weather. But she had made the choice to stay, deal with the consequences of their actions and the judgment that came with it . . . for him.

[Clarke Griffin]

The blonde one moved forward. He was as helpless as she was. He was the one suffering. So she needed to be there for him. Right now all she knew to do – and it felt like it had taken her way too long to realize that – was to give him physical comfort. She moved and gently manipulated him so he lay back, his head now in her lap, while she could run her hand through his hair and over his cheeks, hoping this would be the physical comfort that would help him.

“I still feel like it, Bellamy. Because if the roles were reversed, and don’t deny it, you’d feel the same way. You’d do whatever it took to protect me.” She knew him. He had actually done something similar before. Even now he tried to give her strength, to keep her fighting when she felt so hopeless. Impossible idiot. He should focus on breathing or on anything else but giving her strength and reassurance. “All I want is for you to survive, Bellamy. That’s all I want and care about.” Only his survival. She would certainly fight for this. “Did you breathe anything in in Mount Weather, Bellamy?” Maybe acid fog. No. Not that would have worked faster. “Do you need anything? Water?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

When she began to move him, he didn't protest in the slightest. It wasn't just that he felt too weak to, but he didn't want to. Especially considering the end result, for his head now rested in her lap, her gentle hand running through his hair and cheek. The only one he could imagine himelf so comfortable with, was Octavia. But with Clarke . . . it was a different level of comfort. A different kind. And he wondered if it was selfish of him to just bask in it. To enjoy it. For it did indeed bring him peace and ease in a way that no one else could. He closed his eyes, finding it increasingly difficult to stay conscious. She was asking him something, inquiring as to whether he inhaled anything in Mount Weather.

"Nothing that I know of that would cause this," he answered, his voice becoming a little more dazed. He was trying to focus on her next question . . something about needing anything. "Just this," he answered. Just her. That was all he felt he needed right now. "You know, you're right." He was somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness, and no longer could fully control nor guard what he was saying. "I would do everything I could to protect you. I have to, protect the ones I love." Her and Octavia. He had failed in protecting his mother, and failed in protecting Octavia . . . he couldn't make that mistake with Clarke. It was the last words he spoke, not even realizing it before he completely dozed off. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, nor was his awakening exactly one with ease. The next movement his body made was when it started uncontrollably convulsing, seizing, as a mix of foam and blood spilled from his mouth.

[Clarke Griffin]

Sleeping was good for him, his body could focus on something else now, like actually healing, hopefully. Clarke smiled as he said he’d protect his loved ones. It appeared she belonged to them and he belonged to hers, in more ways than he knew. God she couldn’t take the thought of losing him. Clarke knew she could never recover from it, which was why the tears renewed. He was finally asleep. Placing a hand on his chest, to check how he was breathing. It seemed to become more labored and labored. It was a thin line between when he would start needing help. Clarke was just about to get up, when all hell seemed to break loose.

Clarke rushed to get a cloth to wipe his face, helping him turn around, to hopefully clear his airways. She couldn’t do anything else, but wait for the seizure to be over, ensuring he wouldn’t hit something and injure himself. Clarke reached for the radio though, calling for Jackson and help. This was it. She couldn’t deal with seizures alone out here, with not medicine at hand. She had to get him to medical. They came in in almost no time, a stretcher ready. He would get help now. Clarke could only follow, tears streaming down her eyes, trying not to focus on the shocked looks the other delinquents were sending towards her and Bellamy. She focused fully on him. As Monty rushed forward, she stopped him, making sure not to touch Monty. “Stop. We… we don’t know what it is. If it’s contagious you better stay away.” Monty just nodded and moved backwards, accepting her explanation and letting her follow the stretcher with Bellamy. Inside the Alpha Station they put him in a room for himself, hooking him up to several monitors. Clarke just stood there, watching his vitals on the monitors, hoping for something to help him as soon as possible.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy slowly, hazily, opened his eyes. His vision was completely blurred but he was able to quickly recognize that he was no longer in his tent. He heavily exhaled, seeing a mist of his own breath cover the inside of the mask he was wearing. He closed his eyes again, trying to force himself to stay awake. He needed to know what was going on. He opened his eyes again, turning his head a little to look at Clarke through heavy lids. He also noticed a bunch of monitors and . . . shit.

He was in one of the stations. How had he gotten here? Why had he come here? Did they find something out? All the questions that began to race through his mind, were impossible to verbally express for his mind was working faster than his body would allow him to. He found the strength to raise his arm, pulling off the mask so that he could at least talk. "What happened?" He questioned, able to quickly recognize how groggy his own voice was. God he really hoped they had found something and that they were somehow flushing it out of his system. But he knew that wasn't true. Because he didn't feel at all better. And if he was hooked up to a monitor, it meant that he was weaker than in the tent. Apparently, he had gotten worse. Which also indicated, they did not yet know what was causing it.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke immediately noticed the change in his vitals. He was waking up. She couldn’t recall when she learned that, but she knew this little change meant he was waking, however slowly. She rushed forward to place her hand on him, hoping it would help him stay calm, as the situation was upsetting enough and could easily cause him more stress than he needed right now. 

“Bell, no.” She warned, hoping he would not pull off the mask, but she knew him. He was stubborn. If he wanted to talk, he would. And it seemed like he really wanted to and needed to. It was a good question, too. She should explain it to him. Clarke finally pulled a chair up to sit with him, her eyes slowly running dry, leaving her with a headache, but she knew she could handle it, would gladly handle it for him. 

“You had a seizure.” She explained softly. “It was… bad. You were coughing up blood during it and…. Well you need oxygen now.” It was really, really bad, at least in her eyes. Clarke had even seen her mother come in, despite the fact she should rest. “Even mom is working on it now. You get first class treatment." In reality it was because they thought they needed the big guns now to battle this, whatever the hell this was. "I guess you'll have nurse Clarke for a bit longer than expected."

Bellamy Blake