I can't lose you

[Clarke Griffin]

The bed was, by far the best thing right now. After this long day she now felt the urge to just close her eyes and sleep even though they weren’t done with the conversation yet, at least she felt like they weren’t yet done with it. Clarke knew she should not curl up under the covers, because it was so tempting to just allow herself to sleep. Then again sleep was scary and her body clearly needed it. Part of her knew she should let it happen. Still she wanted to know what he would say to her confession. Now he had all the knowledge he needed, she finally got to say what she wanted to say. Now he would tell her how that would not change anything. How she was enough to be his friend maybe, but for more? No, never. She was too damaged, probably too privileged and what not. Generally she was just too broken. Clarke didn’t know how to respond as he placed his hand on her shoulder. She expected his words now. He didn’t mean it like that. This would change nothing in their friendship, she didn’t even know how he would word it. All she knew was she wanted contact with her. He pulled the blanket down, revealing her face when all she wanted to do was to hide her bloodshot eyes and all the tears that would follow once he rejected her – again. 

It never came. He said something else. He said he loved her. Again. He actually said that. For a moment she just didn’t move. She didn’t want to move as his words sunk in. This could not be real, right? Bellamy could not actually want her. He… she looked at him, finally, her eyes swimming with tears, some falling already again. This… was so much. “I…” her voice broke. She needed courage for this, but she was so tired. Clarke gasped, her mouth open like a fishs, before finally pressing the words out, all the while trembling. “I love you, too. I…” This time she moved fast as she felt the heat in her cheeks coming on. She could not let him see her blus. She grabbed her blanket back and pulled it up to her eyes again, trying to hide her blush – but probably failing as usually her entire damn face lit up red like a light.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy found himself nervously waiting her reply. Though she had said she loved him, things may not be as good as he wanted them to be. Maybe she wouldn't say them again. Maybe she would just remain silent. He watched her intently, bracing himself, preparing himself for whatever reaction his words would cause. He was trying to determine what he saw in her eyes . . . tears. That was for sure. But accomponied by them were the words that he had longed to hear, now said at the appropriate time. Well, far more appropriate than the last. He had admitted his feelings for her, completely sober and aware of what he was saying.

She had the opportunity to say them back and she had. But she then went to hide her face again, or well most of it, lifting the blanket to conceal her. He didn't fail to notice the color in her cheeks, and he found it more adorable than anything else. A faint smirk formed on Bellamy's face as he looked at her, not moving, nor having any intention of doing so.

"I'm no expert," he began to say. His words held truth because he had never told another woman he loved her before. She was the first, and only. "But I'm pretty sure this is the part where you let me kiss you." It was a bold step, but surely they had reached this point. Admissions of love didn't always come when never having kissed another. Their relationship was deeper than any physical intimacy. But with how he felt, and now how he knew she felt . . . he wanted to explore that. He wanted to take that next step with her, if she would let him. If she came out of hiding that is, for he would not force it upon her.

[Clarke Griffin]

He wanted to kiss her… Clarke stared at him like he just said he was a giant magical green stone ready to turn into a troll or something. The concept of kissing him hadn’t even come to her mind. Their relationship had been so…. Good and natural that any change of it, apart from what had occurred had been far from her mind. Not even the good dreams and what if scenarios in her mind featured anything more than him holding her in his strong arms where she felt infinitely safe. Those instances where he held her, however briefly were the moments she felt the safest. She felt like nothing could touch her. The night he held her in his arms was the one night she was spared of dreams of the deceased, of the people she killed, no, they killed. 

“Only if you come into bed.” She demanded. Their beds were basically one with how close they were anyway, so it was an easy demand to make. Clarke would refuse to lower her blanket until he was in bed, resting right next to her where he belonged this night. He needed rest, just like she did. Slowly she moved to shimmy out of her pants and shirt, down to her underwear in which she slept since she didn’t exactly have any pajamas anymore. Another thing she would have to change in the morning. This tent had been built in need, very quickly and without too much care for long time living. Clarke intended to change that in the morning. Her tasks would remain inside. Finally, once ready for bed, she peaked back out under the blanket, finally pulling it down so he could clearly see her blush. Before she or he could do anything, though, she untangled herself from the blanket to place herself under it properly.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She then made a request -- or placed a condition -- that he didn't need to think twice about. Come to bed. Holding her in his arms, allowed him the serenity that only she could give him. An inner peace that he hadn't found since arriving on Earth, hell even before that. But with her . . . it was different. She made him feel safe, secure. Not just physically, but emotionally and for Bellamy, that was seldom acheived. He watched her for a moment start to move out of her clothing and he followed her lead, taking off his shirt and waiting for her to settle before he positioned himself next to her, tucking the blanket back so that he could get in under it and lie next to her. This would not be the first time they held each other while they slept . . . but so much had already happened since the last time.

The dynamic of their relationship was forever altered, and it only made him feel serene by her side. He saw the continued red coloring on her cheeks, which caused him to lightly smile yet again. She was so beautiful and now, he didn't have to keep such thoughts to himself. He didn't have to sneak a glance at her when he thought she wasn't looking. He could give her all the praise she deserved. He leaned forward, his lips touching her forehead in a light kiss. Letting the embrace linger, his lips slowly moved to her cheek, brushing against her soft skin and finding the sensation to be more incredible than he could ever imagine.

He then moved his head again, tenderly kissing her other cheek. He wanted to ease into this, into a kiss that was truly a revelation of their recently expressed feelings for one another. Parting his lips from the skin of his cheek, he moved them closer to her own mouth, hovering over it, less than an inch between them. He was testing the waters, seeing if she was alright with this . . . if she was comfortable with it, and all he could do was lower his gaze to rest on the perfect curves of her lips through heavily lidded eyes.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke felt her hands clench at his actions. What was he doing? What was the meaning of this? A kiss to her forehead, kisses to her cheeks. Why, if he wanted to kiss her? She didn’t get it, but then again maybe it was better that way. Why should she understand everything? This was love. Love was unfamiliar to her. What did she know about love? She had Finn. She had this thing with Lexa, but this was different. Finn had never been interested in her as a person, had he? He was guided by his need, and his views. To him her and Raven were a bit of possessions, though Clarke defied this idea. She liked him, she thought she loved him, but in the end all he brought her was pain in one form or another. Love should look different, right?

Clarke managed to smile softly, hopefully being all the encouragement he would need as her mind wandered to someone else. Lexa. She had told her she wasn’t ready for a relationship. What had changed? Why was she ready for Bellamy to take this step with her? Because she was taking no step with him. She had favored him and protected him like a loved before. This was no step. It was just… putting a name to things they had felt before, right? Did that make sense.

“Just kiss me already, Bellamy. What are you waiting for?” 

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He had been trying to build the moment. Make it more romantic than the first time they both admitting their feelings for one another. But it seemed Clarke wasn't in the mood for it. Or perhaps didn't want that. This was something new for him, not sure if she had fallen in love before herself. At least for him, this was different. Her words pulled him out of any attempt to build this moment, wondering if it was disinterest or impatience. Perhaps both. Or perhaps neither.

"You know you don't always have to wait for me to do something about it," he said a bit teasingly. But with that, he brought his hand to her cheek and closed the distance between them. He couldn't say he had ever thought this was going to happen. He'd intended to keep his feelings to himself, and that was it. But the sensation of her touch, of feeling her soft lips against him . . . filled a craving that he hadn't even known he had. It sent a wave of emotions he couldn't easily define through his entire body. Starting the kiss gently, easing into it, he slowly began to deepen the embrace, letting out just a small bit of the passion he felt for her; the love he felt for her.

[Clarke Griffin]

At first Clarke intended to reply, yet the kiss soon enough cut her off. It started out as the softest kiss she ever felt, even softer than the kiss with Lexa and leagues softer than the kiss with Finn. But it reinforced her realization, that she didn’t need it. She didn’t need any change in their relationship. It was welcome, it was brilliant, it made her feel warm and beautiful and safe and so good inside. But in the end, just being close to him could do that. She wouldn’t have needed him to kiss her, but this was so good. For this moment, for the duration of this deepening kiss, Clarke was just Clarke. She could feel remnants of the carefree medical apprentice inside her as well as the warrior she had become in a way. She felt almost whole and that was his doing, not her own. 

Clarke scooted even closer into his arms, losing herself further into the kiss until she had to break it off. Unfortunately even here on the ground she had to breathe. But she didn’t pull away. She leaned her forehead against his and stared into his eyes, finally deciding to really address what he said just before he kissed her. “You’re more experienced at kissing than I am.” She admitted as an explanation. Kisses were rare, even while Finn was there. And she had good reason to avoid kissing him in the end. He had played her and Raven against each other. But that didn’t matter now. Clarke now had a good reason for her plans in the morning. “What do you plan on doing tomorrow?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He felt more than saw her inch closer toward him and while one hand caressed her cheek, his other hand wrapped around her waist. Clarke was not the first woman he had ever kissed, but she was the first one he ever loved. It made the kiss so much more powerful, passionate, and so many other things. It went to his very soul -- a soul that he had thought was darkened with the decisions of his past. But now, he felt a flicker of something good.

Perhaps he was undeserving of feeling it but he didn't care. He wanted to fully embrace it, and open himself up to whatever this meant for them and their future. They were in love. That was all he wanted to think about in this moment. When she pulled from the kiss, he felt the immediate deprivation of her touch, though she hadn't gone far, placing her forehead against his. He took the moment to steady his deep quiet breathes, his tongue running over his lips to savor her taste. "But I'm not experienced at being in love." He wasn't shy to make this admittance to her.

He wanted her to know that he had never loved another . . . that she was his first in that sense. That such emotions didn't come easily to him. But with Clarke, everything was different. Everything felt different. She then suddenly asked what he was doing tomorrow, and he briefly thought over the question. "Whatever needs to be done." He would have to stop at medical, having promised

Abby that he'd come for a check up to make sure the antidote was healing him properly. But other than that, he needed to get back to work. He hadn't been able to help the past few days, between the physical effects of Mount Weather to the posioning and coma. He had a lot to catch up on. "What about you?" He asked in return, wondering if she was leading somewhere with her inquiry; if they were supposed to be doing something together.

[Clarke Griffin]

“Neither am I.” Clarke pointed out. It was a great admission for her, because now that they were this close together, she knew she had not been in love. She had crushes, including one on him, but she wasn’t in love. Not with Finn or Lexa. But with him, this could only be love, right? This feeling she might die if something happened to him, this panic she felt for so long now, the tears she felt at the mere thought of losing him – very real tears. Damn it. Clarke wiped them away with her hand, before snuggling just a little closer again, knowing he would keep the nightmares at bay again this night.

“I have some things to work on, again. To settle people properly into the camp.” Though she’d never admit that the people she wanted to settle in properly was them themselves. He’d not be for it, would he? This was Bellamy. He’d be all for helping the others, but not themselves. But if they were to stay here and settle here and help the others, it was okay for them to just make a home for themselves. And she would do that. This provisional tent would turn into their home very soon. They needed it. And she had ideas for it as well.“I think we should sleep.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She then revealed that she was not experienced with being in love and . . . that filled him with a pride and honor in being the first man that she loved. Wells, Finn, she didn't love them. He was the guy and it felt pretty damn good. All the more so because it meant tht they were both experiencing this for the first time. He noticed her wipe her eyes, and would have been concerned for her tears, had he not known it was just . . . all of this probably. He wanted to make her feel safe, just as she made him feel. He kept his arm around her, settling comfortably as he just held her, finding it more incredible after having admitted their feelings to one another.

"I can help you," he offered when she explained her own plans come tomorrow. But upon her suggestion of sleep, was when Bellamy realized how tired he actually was. He was not yet fully recovered and sleeping was an excellent idea at the moment. "I agree," he said, vocally expressing his agreement. He tilted his head down a bit, to tenderly kiss the top of her head before resting against the pillow once more. "Good night, princess," he told her as he closed his eyes, ready to fall into a slumber. While he often dreaded slipping into the darkness . . . he felt more secure with her near. Sleep was not something easy to come by, but he was braced for her. Thanks to Clarke, he had as much peace as he could be given under the circumstances.

[Clarke Griffin]

“Goodnight king.” She used to hate the nickname, but given his for her, it was fitting right now. She smiled lightly, but found herself too tired to really keep her eyes open. She had been working all day long. She had cried for quite a time there, it was clear to her why she was really tired now. Clarke was glad she could now move against him as she easily slipped into sleep. This time it was an easy sleep, dreamless and long, due to the fact that at the end of their day this was actually a bit of an early night for the both of them. Once they were both better, she was sure they would both push longer during days they needed to work. But as it happened neither was on top of their game, so an early night was what was probably best for them. For her to lean against him and feel safe was the only reason that tonight now burnt corpses approached her, nothing approached her at all.

The first sunlight woke her – something she knew she would change today. She wanted to work, really, but today she wanted to do so apart from the judging glances of their friends. Just this one day. She’d do something good, set a sign, for Bellamy and the others and she knew it would ultimately help her and Bellamy a lot. During the night, for some reason one of her hands, while she held him, had moved inside his pants, palm pressed against an undoubtedly delicious muscular butt. The blonde carefully removed her hand, making a mental note not to mention that as she obviously had no recollection of it anyway. Clarke sat up, needing to get ready to get things done, to turn this into a home so they could both focus on the others and have a place to retreat to and feel comfortable in. Leaning down she kissed Bellamys lips softly.

“Good morning.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Her words were the last he heard before he fell into a slumber . . . and it was a peaceful one at that. Often the nights gripped him with nightmares, but not tonight. He slept in the embrace of the woman he loved, and now that their feelings were mutually expressed, it made it all the more special. Morning came too soon, and Bellamy's light sleeping had made him sensitive to any movements. Including the one of her hand slipping out for a place that he found the sensation of to be quite enjoyable; her soft touch in a location that was too intimate for them to otherwise explore.

The casualness of it made it all the better. That was what had slowly woken him but what really made him slip back into the conscious world was feeling her soft lips against his, and her words of greeting. He slowly opened his eyes, look at her with soft intent. In this moment, he was completely unguarded. "Morning beautiful," he returned, his voice a little groggy from having just woken up. He moved his hand, gently rubbing it over her bare arm. "Sleep ok?" He inquired, hoping that she did. He was usually easily woken, and hoped she hadn't suffered from too many nightmares or terrors. Otherwise, he would have failed in waking up and comforting her as he surprisingly slept through the night.

[Clarke Griffin]

This moment was infinitely precious. There was no way of telling if they could have many more of them. Somehow she doubted they would have. She wanted to have them for all eternity, but who said that eternity was taking them in this direction? Eternity seemed to want them to suffer all the time. She wanted it to stop, but she knew it was very unlikely, unfortunately. Nothing prepared her for that, nothing ever could. Clarke just watched him, wanting to remember this forever and to remember it when they were apart. She smiled. “I slept wonderfully.” It was the simple truth. With him close the demons could not reach her. He was shielding her from it. “You?” 

The girl got up to get water for the two of them. She had kept some close for him, they might as well drink something before getting their days started. Clarke really felt the need to finally get to her task even though their days just started. She knew she would stay away from people today, so for once the day didn’t feel too bad to her. Today she could get stuff done, hopefully without breaking down. First she would have to talk to Kane though. When she handed Bellamy the water, she grinned at him. “I’m going to go in a minute or two, to get things started. I need to meet with Kane before I’m getting on my task.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

God he loved seeing her smile. The way her lips curved into an expression that brightened her entire face. Smiles were too few and seldom for the two of them, and after how upset she had gotten yesterday . . . Bellamy was all too glad to see the change in her mood now. Her smile didn't seem forced or done with strain, and it was contagious. For he felt his own lips in a smile of his own. "Better than I have in a long time." He wasn't including the coma or sleeping due to extreme weakness. Those had not been peaceful slumbers. Last night, had been. Thanks to her.

"Thank you," he said gratefully as he took the water from her, drinking it down in only a few gulps as he realized how dry his throat was. He supposed that since waking up from his previously condition, he hadn't eaten or drank much -- apart from the fluids the IV was giving him. She then went on to say that she had to get some things done today and speak to Kane. With her close proximity, Bellamy decided to take advantage of it, and his free hand went to her hand not holding the water, as he gently pulled her toward him until their lips met.

The sensation of her lips was not one he would ever grow tired from. He closed his eyes, letting the embrace linger for a few moments before he slowly pulled away, his forehead still placed against hers. As he opened his eyes, his seemingly unwavering smile returned. "Anything I can help with?" He offered. She had been ambiguous about it last night as well, and didn't want to pry. But he also wanted to offer his assistance should she need it.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke had not expected this to feel so easy, yet it did. He pulled her into him, into a kiss that felt so normal, so natural and so good. Clarke wanted to question when they fell into this comfortable intimacy they currently displayed, but she was sure neither of them would have an answer to this question, at least not without some deep thinking that was entirely misplaced in this second. They should not even think about this, not now. They had different things to worry about. They had seen so much, done so much, they carried burdens on their shoulders that they should deal with first before it fully broke them. Clarke was already so close to breaking, close enough that she needed to stay away from the others. She had wanted to run for herself, she couldn’t do this anymore, but she still needed to breathe, just for today. Clarke pulled back, keeping her hand on his chest as she smirked almost shyly.

“I don’t think I will need any help.” But she could not stop him from walking back to the tent when she had started her work on it. That was something she would deal with when it happened, if it happened. Either way, she was just determined to get it done. She couldn’t wait. The earlier she would go to Kane, the better. Less people would see her, she would have to endure less looks. That was something very good in her eyes. Clarke got up properly again to put on her clothing. “I’ll go to Kane now. I really want to get started. I’ll see you tonight at the latest.” And then hopefully in a new tent, in a home. Clarke didn’t waste much time to leave, making a beeline for Kanes tent.

Bellamy Blake