Bearer Of Bad News

[Deleted]

Elissa really hated to the bearer of bad news. There was nothing worse to be but as a nurse she had come to find herself in that position a lot more than she would have liked. It really just came with the job, a job that already held many difficulties. Not to say that Elissa didn't like her job, she had always loved it and the great opportunities it brought to her to help and care for people. But this wasn't a good thing that helped people. No, but still, Elissa always tried to do this as perfectly as she could, just with everything else she did. What point would there be in doing something halfheartedly? It didn't matter how much she hated it or how uncomfortable it made her feel. People needed to know things, even if they weren't always good things.

If Elissa was going to be completely honest with herself, she was happy to have something to keep her distracted from her own thoughts and her own bad news. She would much rather deal with someone else's.

Taking in a deep breath and taking a moment to compose herself, Elissa lifted her hand to knock at a door. She had been told that this was the room currently being lived in by Shiloh, the girl whom the bad news would be given, but Elissa didn't have much way of knowing if the girl would actually be home. She could only guess that a teenager wouldn't have left their room at such an early hour of the morning. "Hello?" Elissa called out as she knocked, trying to put a smile into her voice. She didn't want to scare the girl. Not yet, at least. She also had no way of knowing how she would react to the news once she heard it. It definitely wasn't something small.

Once the door was open, a small but real smile settled onto Elissa face. She was happy that the girl was indeed home, wanting to get this job done now rather than later. She had decided this would likely be the best time to give it, if there could be a "best time" for giving bad news. "Hi, I'm Elissa. I'm one of the nurses." That felt like the best and simplest way to introduce herself. She was so many things, and recently she had become more. But those didn't matter, not in this situation, not with the girl she was talking to. "Are you Shiloh?" she asked, wanting to confirm that she was talking to the right person before she said anything more. The girl did look familiar but Elissa didn't think she had ever really met her before.

Tag: @shiloh

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Shiloh was tired. She hadn’t slept much the night before thanks to a mountain of worry. Farm station had been found. That was good. But so far, Shiloh hadn’t found any news on her mother's fate. And the lack of knowing was eating her alive. The concept of Schrodinger’s cat had never really made sense to Shiloh until now. Until she knew for sure, there was still a chance. A chance her mother could be alive. But if the news was bad, if her mother was gone, there would be no turning back that page.

She was pulling on her shoes to head to breakfast when someone knocked at her door. The voice that followed wasn’t familiar. Odd. Shiloh could feel a frown creasing her forehead as she got to her feet. She pulled the door open to find a woman standing outside. The woman was smiling, which helped to ease the confused frown off Shiloh’s face. Or at least, it started to. The words that left the woman’s mouth brought the forehead creases right back. Shiloh had thought she knew all the nurses after the last couple months working in the infirmary. Unless… “You came down with farm station.” It was the only thing that made sense. But it also set Shiloh’s stomach twisting into knots.

Elissa asked about her name, and Shiloh nodded absently. “Yeah.” Then it clicked that the woman was still standing outside her door. Right. Manners. “Um, come in.” She stepped aside to grant entry to her room. It wasn’t the fanciest of residences. More of a glorified closet really. There was a bed pushed into one corner with a makeshift satchel and a few clothes stuffed in a bin underneath. Opposite that was a roughly built desk with a row of aging books on various subjects borrowed from Mount Weather’s repossessed collection. There were a few odds and ends too. A branch from an evergreen tree, a vial holding a carefully preserved flower, a small notebook full of scribbled facts and ideas, half a bottle made of blue glass worn smooth, a metal lion paperweight nicked from Mount Weather. A large, crudely drawn map hung between the desk and the bed with charcoal lines and cramped handwriting marking where important plants grew within Arker territory. It wasn’t much. But it was home.

“You can sit if you want.” Shiloh motioned at the bed, suddenly painfully aware of the fact she had no chair. There had been a box at one point, but someone else had needed it. Not that Shiloh was here much anyway. She pushed the door closed and turned to face her guest, weaving her fingers together so she wouldn’t wring her hands. There was a nurse from farm station in her room. Why? Only two possibilities seemed plausible. “Is this about the infirmary or… my mother?” Because she suddenly had the worst feeling that if it was the latter, she might not want to know.

@elissa

[Deleted]

Elissa didn't really expect the first thing to come out Shiloh's mouth to be stating that Elissa had come down with farm station but she guessed it made sense, maybe Shiloh was someone who tended to know most people. "Yes, I did." At least Elissa had gotten the right person. Shiloh confirmed it was indeed her and Elissa felt the smile on her face relax for a moment, before the weight of what she now had to do settled more suddenly onto her. The girl didn't look terribly young, she wasn't thirteen and still a child but she wasn't old either. In Elissa's eyes, this girl was way too young to lose her mother. If only the world was nice enough to care about something like that. At least Shiloh had been able to outlive her mother, unlike other children who hadn't had that chance. Arriving at Arkadia had only come to bring that pain back to the surface for Elissa.

It was why this would be a good distraction for her. Walking into Shiloh's room, Elissa glanced around, curious to see what sort of places people had come to create in the camp. The room was tiny but it was homely. It wasn't empty of personal things and had enough things that it made the room seem greater than it was. Elissa was happy to see that Shiloh had come to make a home here. She had no idea what difference that might make in how Shiloh would take the news she had to give but she had to hope it would make it easier, knowing she had a home here on the ground. "Cosy place," she said, sitting down at the edge of the bed. Feeling like it was probably best for the news she was about to give, Elissa gestured for Shiloh to sit down as well.

The question asked was answered at first with silence. Elissa looked at Shiloh, trying to read her, trying to get an idea of what the young woman wanted the answer to be. No that it would change what it was, but Elissa wanted to be prepared as she could be. "It's about your mother," she came to say after the silence had stretched out long enough. "She came down on farm station as well, I didn't know her well but..." Elissa trailed off. With all the bad news she had broken during her time as a nurse on the Ark, nothing had felt as painful to give as this. Maybe it was her own pain that was adding to the experience, giving her such a personal insight into how it was about to feel for Shiloh. No one wanted to hurt another person in such a harsh way, to tell them a parent or a child had been taken from them.

Taking in a deep breath, Elissa turned to face Shiloh (whether she was still standing or sitting on the bed) and looked at her with the smile gone from her face. It wasn't possible to smile and give this news. Not at all. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your mother didn't make it," Elissa said, pausing to allow Shiloh a moment to process it before continuing to give her more of an explination. "She was attacked by one of the grounders and succumbed to the injuries from that attack." Once she had said that, Elissa felt part of the weight leave her. As if the words themselves had been holding that weight. But that didn't mean she felt all relieved. No, Elissa had more to say and just by being here she would be the one to take whatever reaction Shiloh would give. Nothing was easy, nothing was simple.

Tag: @shiloh

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Under normal circumstances, the praise for her room would have made Shiloh smile. She rather liked her humble residence. Unfortunately, plants and the infirmary kept her out of it for most of the day. Right now though, she was too nervous for anything more than a mumbled, “Thanks.” The gesture to sit didn’t help matters. People only asked others to sit down first when the news wasn’t good. So Shiloh stayed standing, her fingers wound so tightly together her knuckles were turning white. Almost as if the physical distance would lessen the blow.

Elissa was silent for a painfully long moment. Shiloh could hear her heart slamming in her ears as she waited for an answer. Please let it be about the infirmary. Even being in trouble with Dr. Griffin would be better than the alternative. But even before Elissa spoke, Shiloh already knew that wasn’t the case. The words that finally left Elissa’s mouth only confirmed it. The unfinished sentence seemed to take all the life out of Shiloh, causing her carefully straight shoulders to slump. For a moment she just stood there letting it sink in. Then she took two steps across the room and slowly sat down beside Elissa. “She’s gone, isn’t she?” Shiloh’s soft voice didn’t sound sad exactly. Just tired. In a way, she had already known. She had seen the ground kill far stronger people than her mother. Of course the woman hadn’t made it. But knowing that had been the likely outcome didn’t make the words any easier to hear.

Shiloh didn’t look up as Elissa shifted to face her. Her eyes were boring holes straight through the floor as she tried to wrap her mind around this. She didn’t even respond to the confirmation. Her mother was gone. Gone without Shiloh getting any chance to say good-bye. She was only half listening to Elissa, but the word ‘attack’ snapped her back to the present. Amazing how one word could make things so much worse. The last time Shiloh had seen her mother had been the night she killed her father. Melissa had been in a hospital bed with doctors swarming. Shiloh hadn’t even known if her mother would survive the night. But she had. She had even made it all the way to the ground only to be killed in another sort of attack before Shiloh could see her again. It was like a sick cosmic joke. Maybe it was the flash of memories from that terrifying night on the Ark, or maybe the realization she was an orphan had finally sunk in. Whatever it was, Shiloh could feel her chest tightening as her eyes started to burn. She leaned forward to put her elbows on her knees with her hands on either side of her nose as she took a shaky breath and let it out. Her eyes squeezed tightly shut for a moment while she tried to get a grip. She couldn’t cry. Not with a stranger sitting next to her. But it was taking tremendous effort not to.

She needed to know more though. Her mother had died alone out there. She needed to know the details, no matter how painful. So she forced herself to pull her hands away from her face. She couldn’t look up at Elissa though. Not with tears pricking at her eyes. “Did…” Her voice had turned scratchy, and she had to swallow before trying again. “Did she suffer?” Part of her didn’t want to know. But someone needed to hear the details, someone who actually cared about what had happened. Besides, wasn’t some part of this Shiloh’s fault? Melissa had been alone because her daughter hadn’t been there. If Shiloh had stood up to her father sooner or differently or had just given in when Dr. Griffin asked questions, maybe that wouldn’t have been the case. Maybe she could have been there to protect her mother. But she hadn’t, and now her mother was gone. And Shiloh had never felt so utterly alone.

@elissa

[Deleted]

When Shiloh decided not to sit, Elissa didn't push her to at all. It was her choice and really, sitting wouldn't make the news any easier to give or to take. This was news that was never going to be easy and it was news that Elissa couldn't help but thinking could break the beautiful young girl she was giving it to. Especially when it came to what her mother had asked Elissa to say to Shiloh. Elissa was at least glad to see Shiloh sit down once she had begun talking. As Elissa paused in her words, Shiloh sat, already guessing what the next ones to come were. A sad smile settled onto Elissa's own face, trying to keep strong herself, so she could be strong for the girl who she was giving news to. Because Elissa knew that it would likely be impossible for the girl to be quite so strong once she heard what Elissa had come to tell her. Any of it, let alone all of it. 

And there was a moment where the whole room seemed to fall silent, where Elissa watched as Shiloh moved forward, elbows on her knees and her face hidden from Elissa view. It wouldn't be a surprise to Elissa if Shiloh started crying, nor would it be the first time something like that had happened in her presence. She had told families that there was nothing that could be done for a sick father. She had given young people and old the news that they wouldn't survive. Her job seemed to come with bringing tears to others, the worst part of it at least. She pulled her eyes away from Shiloh, giving her some sort of half-allusion of privacy until she started to move again.

Elissa took in a deep breath at the question she was asked, not wanting to answer it but knowing she had to. It was the respectful thing to do. She also understood why Shiloh was asking it, that there was something comforting about knowing the details clearly, even when they would hurt. "She did," Elissa said, not going to lie, "But she passed on quick enough." Even as the words came from her mouth, Elissa knew that didn't sound as nice as she had intended them to be. But, honestly, with the sort of injuries that Melissa had sustained and the fact that they had no real way of treating them well in that new environment, it been a good thing that her suffering hadn't been drawn out too long. "I'm sorry, Shiloh," she said, her voice quiet, not apologising for what she had said but just for the whole thing. Elissa couldn't find any enjoyment in this.

But there was more that needed to be said and Elissa couldn't put that off too much longer, she had no idea how much longer it would be before Shiloh might ask her to leave. Elissa almost expected it, knowing how much she had wanted to be left alone when she had first known her child to be dead. "I was with her when she died, trying to treat her as best I could." Moving slow and watching Shiloh for signs that she didn't want Elissa to, she reached out her hand to place it on Shiloh's back, offering some comfort. "She told me to tell you a couple of things. That she's sorry and that what happened on the Ark wasn't your fault." Of course, Elissa had no idea what had happened on the Ark. She hadn't been told but whatever had happened, the emotion in Melissa's voice had made Elissa think it was something big. Partially why she had been so hesitant to say this.

Tag: @shiloh || The feels!

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Shiloh was grateful for the small moment to pull herself together, even if it didn’t help much. She wasn’t used to being upset in front of people. On the Ark, any pain or sadness had been stuffed as far down as possible to keep people from asking questions. Holding it together was old hat. She couldn’t just swallow something this big though. Not completely. But she could at least stave off the meltdown until Elissa left. And yet, some small part of her didn’t want the woman to go. Not if it meant being alone.

She waited in silence for Elissa’s answer. The words that finally came were hard to hear, but at least they were honest. “That’s good,” she said, her voice still scratchy. Her mother had suffered far too much in her life. She deserved a quick death. Elissa’s next words caused Shiloh to shake her head slowly, almost as if it took too much effort. “It’s not your fault.” It’s mine. She was the one who should have been there. The one who had let her mother down again. Shiloh looked down at her hands, and the fingers of her right drifted to trace the top of a scar that started just below her left pinky and ran partway down the side of her arm. That had been a bad night. Just one more time she had failed to protect her mom.

The movement from Elissa made Shiloh tense up a bit, an instinctive reaction after so many years with her father. Even now unexpected touch didn’t always go over so well. But she didn’t pull away. Just watched in silence as the hand found its way to her back. She could feel her hastily constructed dam tremble a bit at the contact. A hard sniff helped to stabilize it. Then Elissa spoke, and suddenly Shiloh was looking up at her in confusion. “Why would she…” She searched Elissa’s eyes for some sign that the woman was just making this up to comfort her, but there was only honesty. It didn’t make sense. Her brow furrowed tightly as she tried to make some sense of the words. “Of course it was my fault. If I had done something sooner…” The fact that she had been just a scared child wasn’t really factoring into Shiloh’s reasoning. She had stopped him in the end, which meant she could have earlier. But she hadn’t. And that made it her fault.

Her eyes slid back to the opposite wall as she tried to wrap her mind around what she had just heard. It was like trying to get a square peg in a round hole. It just didn’t add up. “I’m the one that let her down. I could’ve stopped him, and I didn’t. I just stood there over and over and over. How is that not my fault? He kept hurting her, and I just…” She put a hand over her mouth as tears started welling in her eyes. She wasn’t sure if she was arguing with Elissa or her dead mother or if her rambling was even making any sense, but she really didn’t care either. Now that she had started, she couldn’t seem to stop. “I should’ve been there. If I had, maybe she'd still be alive. I could’ve protected her. I could’ve done something! But I didn’t. She needed me, and I wasn't there, and now she’s gone, and it’s my fault! It’s all my fault!”

The last sentence was soaked in tears as the dam finally burst. Drops started running down her face, and the resulting increase in her breathing speed made it impossible to keep going. Her mother was gone. She was gone, and it was too much. Shiloh tugged her knees up to her chest and pressed her face against them as if curling into a small enough ball would somehow shut out the world. She didn’t even know why she was crying. If it was grief or guilt or if some part of her finally felt freed by that final apology. All she knew was she wanted her mother. And knowing she couldn't just made it hurt even more.


@elissa
(So many feels!)