How to Train Your Husbeand

[Deleted]

Jackson sniffed again, brushing wetness from his lashes this time. God, he didn't want to cry again, not now, but his head was aching--everything was aching--and he was so tired. "They said I ruined their lives," he whispered. "I did ruin people's lives, Bellamy," he said. It didn't matter how much time they had from the City of Light. It didn't matter how many people forgave him. Some people were still mad, and Jackson knew he deserved it.

Jackson let his eyes flutter shut when Bellamy kissed him, enjoying the feeling more than he should, given their topic of conversation. His hand automatically tightened against Bellamy's side, having missed the feeling of being so close to his husbeand after one night not spent in bed together. "Stop apologizing to me, please," he murmured. He hated that Bellamy felt like he needed to, that Bellamy felt in part responsible for something Jackson had brought on himself. "I'm sorry I keep putting myself in the position where you could lose me," he added after a moment, his voice cracking as a tear slid down over his temple. "I don't ever want to hurt you like that."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Bellmay listened to Jackson explain that they said he had ruined their lives . . . that he had ruined a lot of peoples lives. Bellamy empathically disagreed. "Because of taking the chip?" he both asked and stated, knowing that that had to be the reason. Bellamy knew Jackson felt guilty over that . . . though he wished his husbeands wouldnt. "You didn't ruin peoples lives Jackson," Bellamy softly protested. "You save them." He was a doctor. "Every day you do everything you can to save lives. Hell, you saved mine." And Bellamy wasnt just talking about in a medical sense, knowing that was evident in his tone.

"So many people would be dead without you." sincerity thick in the younger males tone of voice. "These guys just need someone to blame. A scapegoat." Because they couldn't exactly lash out at ALIE. "But that person shouldnt be you." Jackson was human. A person who was hurting and found his release. Whether he was being blamed for the chip or mount weather, Bellamy kept to his logic. Words that he firmly believed. He felt Jacksons grip tighten around him, shifting even closer to his husbeand. Wanting that contact and wishing to offer it in return.

Bellamy moved his hand to his temple, brushing away his tear. His heart ached at Jacksons apology for putting himself in a position where he could lose him. Knowing that thar very thing had been the cause of their most serious fight. "You didnt hurt me," Bellamy immediately reassured. This wasnt his fault and Bellamy refused to put any of the responsibility of it on Jackson. "Loving someone comes with the fear of losing them." Bellamy had learned that very early on, even if it had been a different kind of love.

"And last night, I was damn scared of losing you," Bellamy admitted, the mere reminder of the scene he had witnessed causing a shiver to run down his spine. "But not because of anything you did. This isnt your fault," feeling the need to repeat these words. "Its theirs." And Bellamys but he knew Jackson would argue that. "You didn't deserve what happened to you." His hand that had been brushing away the tear returning to Jacksons cheek to gently caress it. "You would never deserve that. You make peoples lives better. You made mine better." Once again, his words deeper than referring solely to Jacksons abilities as a doctor.

[Deleted]

Jackson huffed an unhappy laugh when Bellamy said he didn't ruin people's lives, he saved them. That was true too. He did do what he could every day to save people's lives, but good deeds did not negate the bads ones. He just shook his head, not sure how to respond in a way that Bellamy wouldn't fight, because he didn't feel up for a fight. Jackson almost huffed another laugh when Bellamy said so many people would be dead without him. Not because it wasn't also true, but because he knew Bellamy still carried a lot of guilt with him as well. But a lot of people would be dead without Bellamy, and Bellamy would likely not accept that as a reason he shouldn't carry that weight. Why was it so easy to tell each other not to feel bad or guilty about things, but so hard to accept it themselves?

Another tear fell at Bellamy's admittance that he had been scared of losing Jackson the night before, and at the way he felt Bellamy shiver at the memory. He brushed his hands soothingly up Bellamy's back and down again in a steady pace. But Bellamy continued insisting it wasn't Jackson's fault, and he sighed, closing his eyes. "But it is something I did," he whispered. "Some of those people might not have taken the chip without Abby, and I'm the reason Abby took it. Some of those people did horrible things because of it... like I did." He still felt guilty for those things too. "Some of those people were seriously harmed trying to refuse it after I created a mob of the chipped... The fact that I've saved lives, that we've found this wonderful thing between us, doesn't mean that other stuff didn't happen." He drew a shaky breath and opened his eyes to look at Bellamy. "It doesn't mean that people have to forgive me just because I'm good at my job."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to Jackson explain that it was something that he had done; that without him, without Abby, some may not have taken the chip. Jackson hadn't been the only one who had taken it willingly. Hell, some of the people that Bellamy was close friends with had taken it willingly . . . and yet, it felt as if there was no other choice for them as well. Exhausted of the cruelty that the ground offered. Tired from enduring the pain. Bellamy could understand the appeal. ALIE had preyed on that pain and she had succeeded.

"No," he began to respond, Jackson's lastly spoken words ones that he immediately protested. That people had to forgive him because he was good at your job. "But because you're human." And pain, was part of being human. Coping with the amount of pain that so many had . . . well, it was more than what a person should suffer. "If you hadn't taken it then, you would have been forced to take it later." Everyone had. Whether it was through the threatening of their loved ones, or themselves. Or the avoidance of some other punishment.

"You can't take all the responsibility for this, Jackson. A person can only handle so much pain before they can't cope any more." And they weren't to be blamed on it. "Whatever you did when you were chipped, wasn't you. It was ALIE. And I doubt you took that chip with the intention of hurting others." Intentions counted for something after all. Bellamy's hand remained on his cheek, looking at him intently.

"You could choose to live your life, doing nothing. But you dedicate it to saving other people." That was a choice. And one that showed Jackson's strength of heart; the uncharacteristic nature of him hurting anyone further proof that ALIE had consumed him. That what he did when he was chipped, wasn't him. "I can't say I know what it was like to be chipped. But I know you. And I know that whatever you were forced to do, wasn't coming from the real you." But from ALIE. Just like had been the case with Raven, Jasper, Abby, Kane . . . and all the others who had been chipped.

[Deleted]

Jackson only shook his head slightly, when Bellamy said they had to forgive him because he's human. No one had to forgive him for any reason. But he just listened as Bellamy spoke. This was an argument neither of them could win, and they'd probably go back and forth all day if they let themselves. "It felt like the real me," he admitted, when Bellamy finished. "It felt like the most perfect version of me." It didn't anymore, obviously, now that he looked back. But at the time, everything he'd done made sense. Perfect sense, and it was good. "I wasn't forced to do anything."

He drew a deep breath, then let it out. "A person can only handle so much pain before they can't cope any more," Bellamy had said. Jackson continued stroking Bellamy's back. "Some of us... are stronger than others." He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to Bellamy's, not caring to avoid any bruises. "You never give up. You didn't take a pill to make your pain go away." Bellamy wouldn't have been so easily brought to the ground in a fight, either. Bellamy was stronger than Jackson in every way, he knew. I deserve their anger, he thought, but didn't say it, feeling like he needed to start to close the subject so they could both rest.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy knew that it hadn't really been Jackson when under the influence of ALIE. Just like it hadn't been the others. "People did things they never would have done if it weren't for ALIE." Jasper stabbing Monty. Raven slitting her own wrists and saying the things she did. Abby torturing Clarke and then hanging herself. There was a whole list of violent acts, uncharacteristic acts, that more than showed that people had not been of their own mind. But Bellamy doubted he needed to list them. "This is the most perfect version of you," Bellamy told him with a slight smile.

"The real you. Because whatever happened before, Jackson . . . it wasn't you." Words that he felt the need to reinforce. Words that Bellamy knew to be true, especially considering the actions of others when ALIE had them. When ALIE could control them. Bellamy closed his eyes when Jackson leaned forward, pressing his forehead to his own . . . telling him that some were stronger than others, using Bellamy as an example. The suggestion of it caused the younger male to slightly clench his jaw.

 "Me not taking the pill isn't a show of strength," he gently assured him. Bellamy just knew that he didn't deserve the release of his pain. That it was the ultimate punishment for him. Live. Breathe. Suffer. But he wasn't about to shift the conversation to him right now; to his own self loathing and his own burdens of guilt. He slightly raised his head, touching his lips on Jackson's cheek. "Try to get some sleep," he softly encouraged, not wanting to further exhaust him with the intense subject.

[Deleted]

Jackson exhaled heavily through his nose when Bellamy told him this was the most perfect version of himself, smiling faintly himself. When he was with Bellamy, he felt like that was true. He was the most perfect he could be when they were together, because Bellamy had made him whole. "I have you to thank for that," he whispered. Ironically, it was Jackson's happiness with his new husbeand that had sparked the ire of those who'd attacked him, it seemed, but Bellamy didn't need to know that part.

He did think Bellamy not taking the chip showed strength. There wasn't another way to look at it, as far as Jackson was concerned. Sure, there had been a part of him that thought he could be a better doctor if he took the chip, but he'd mostly taken it because he was too weak to bare the pain and exhaustion he was feeling. He was relieved when Bellamy told him to sleep, though, indicating he wanted to let it go too. "I'll sleep better if you have less clothes on," he teased, pushing up at the back of Bellamy's shirt until he got the hint and shifted to get out of his shirt.

When they were settled in bed again, Jackson shifting around a little until he was in a comfortable position for his ribs, Jackson pressed his lips to Bellamy's, his arm sliding over his chest and to his waist. "You sleep too," he murmured, closing his eyes. "For me," he added, because he knew Bellamy barely slept in medical last night, but would be tempted to stay awake now anyway, worrying about Jackson.

Tag" Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy couldn't help but huff a slight breath of amusement at Jackson's words, knowing the comfort of removing his shirt. He didn't think that they needed food right now anymore. He shifted a little, not wanting Jackson to strain himself with any such movements. Once Bellamy's shirt was off, he set it to the side, deciding he would pick it up later as he was far too comfortable right now. Once they settled back down in each other's embrace, Jackson told him to sleep . . . for him. Bellamy was more likely to do it for Jackson than for himself, that much was for certain.

The touch of his lips, the sensation of his arm sliding over him . . . all having the power to lull him to sleep. Bellamy softly smiled, his hand starting to gently run through Jackson's hair in a soothing manner. "I will," he assured him, not wanting him to worry about that. It would be some time before Bellamy would find the ease of sleep though, his mind still too worried about his husbeand. Still wanting to stay awake should Jackson get up and need something. Still feeling the need to monitor him, to keep an eye on him. It was how the next few days rolled on. Bellamy's departure from their apartment was only when it was absolutely necessary.

 Other than that, he spent as much time with Jackson as he could. Making sure he had what he needed; making sure his recovery process went smoothly. After about a weak, the injuries were starting to heal. To the point that he felt comfortable enough to do a training session. It was during this time that a thought had occurred to Bellamy. One that lingered in his mind until the end of the session. He returned to their shared apartment, seeing Jackson was still there and smiling at the sight as he closed the door behind him. "Hey. How're you feeling?" Bellamy asked, the question not out of the ordinary of course . . . considering alll things.

[Deleted]

Jackson was healing at about the rate he expected. His bruises were still there, but fading just a bit. His ribs and nose still hurt, but those would take months to heal. It was his head that he was the most concerned about, but slowly the concussion symptoms faded too. He wasn't getting disoriented, overly emotional, or seriously exhausted over nothing anymore. The ringing in his ears was gone now, and while he still had mild headaches, he could deal with those for a bit longer. He had been feeling a bit irritable, which could be due to concussion, but he was pretty sure it was just because he felt cooped up in the apartment for so long, not working. So he was relieved when Bellamy went back to training, as it gave him a little space so that he didn't start getting snippy with his husbeand who hadn't done anything but care for him for days on end.

He went out for a walk around camp while Bellamy was out, enjoying the fresh air and the sun on his skin, though he couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious about his injuries and nervous about another attack. He picked up some food for himself and Bellamy and was setting up the table when Bellamy came back, wincing at the twinge in his ribs as he bent over it. "The same as when you left," he said, smiling up at Bellamy. The short walk had winded him a little, but he didn't feel too tired. "I went for a walk. I had to get out of here for a little bit, and got us some breakfast." He put down the second tray and walked over to kiss Bellamy softly.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy glanced at the food, smiling as Jackson set the table for them and explaining he went for a walk before picking up food. Bellamy decided his shower could wait, wanting to enjoy a nice breakfast with his husbeand. He returned the kiss, closing his eyes briefly before easing out of it, his hand instinctively going to Jackson's back, casually resting on it. "That's good. That you moved around for a bit." He'd certainly sleep better from it, knowing that Jackson wasn't exactly used to not working for long amounts of time.

"Also, we need to go to medical today for a quick check up," Bellamy further explained. He knew Jackson was a doctor and had a good handle on things . . . but Abby also wanted to check up on him. With another quick kiss on the lips, Bellamy took Jackson's hand in his own and moved over toward the table. "Looks great," he said with a smile while pulling out the chair for Jackson, having worked up an appetite during training today.

[Deleted]

Jackson groaned at the mention of going to medical for a check up as his hand slid over Bellamy's waist. He knew he had to, even if he could assess himself just fine now that his head was less foggy. But he knew Bellamy would insist, and so would Abby as a requirement of him being cleared to go back to work. Which he hoped would be very soon. "I hate going to the doctor," he muttered, with a small smirk, because it was an expression he'd heard so many times, often from little kids.

Jackson returned the next kiss, and let Bellamy lead him to the table, and pull out his chair. "I thought you'd be hungry," he said, sitting in the chair Bellamy pulled out for him. "I'll never build my strength back up if you keep pulling chairs out for me," he teased, an appreciative smile on his face. He waited for Bellamy to sit before he started to eat. Food still didn't taste completely right, but it didn't taste like cardboard anymore, so it was much easier to eat. The first couple days after his injuries is was nearly impossible to force himself. "How was going back to training today?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy slightly raised an eyebrow, unable to fully keep the smirk from his face. "Now thats ironic," he said teasingly, in reference to Jackson's remark about how he hated to go to the doctor. A small chuckle escaped him when Jackson joked about him not being able to build up his strength if Bellamy kept pulling out chairs for him. "Well, let's just say it has more to do with being a gentleman than anything else," he said only partially joking. Once Jackson was seated, Bellamy did the same and together, they started eating. His husbeand's question was a good lead into what Bellamy had on his mind.

"It was good," he answered casually. With Lincoln not here any more, Bellamy had taken the full responsibility of training the others. But his mind was not far from resting on his late brother of heart. Not wanting these thoughts to cloud the mood, he continued on. "I was actually thinking, maybe you could join us sometime," he offered, looking at Jackson to see how he would react to the suggestion. "Or if you prefer, some one on one." Meaning, Bellamy could privately train him. But either way, the suggestion of training was presented and Bellamy continued to watch his spouse to see if it was something that would interest him.

[Deleted]

Jackson huffed a small laugh at Bellamy's comment about being a gentleman, though it was true, then watched as Bellamy started eating with him. It felt good to be sitting at the table again--the one they'd gotten after breaking their last table on their wedding night--instead of eating in bed like he had been. Getting outside today and eating at the table was helping Jackson feel more lie himself again, in spite of his bruises and pain.

He was relieved that Bellamy didn't have a hard time getting back into the swing of things, but his eyebrows shot up when Bellamy suggested him joining a class sometime, his hand freezing halfway between his plate and mouth with food balancing on his fork. The thought was... terrifying. Not because he was afraid of getting hurt, but because the idea was so far out of his comfort zone he wasn't even sure what to think. He was slightly relieved when Bellamy suggested one on one instead of the class, because at least that way he wouldn't be in a room full of kids much younger than him making a fool of himself, but it wasn't much better.

He slowly lowered his fork back to his plate, looking up at Bellamy, who was watching him. "I've... never considered it before," he admitted. It took longer than it probably should have for Jackson to realize why Bellamy was even suggesting this, probably because the suggestion had surprised him so much. It was because he'd been hurt. He gave Bellamy a small smile that was both sympathetic and a little awkward. "I'm not a fighter, Bell. I don't really want to be," he said softly.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Jackson's shock was quite apparent, his admittance that he'd never thought of it before. Adding on that he wasn't a fighter, nor did he want to become one. "I'm not asking you to be," Bellamy assured him. He certainly wasn't going to turn Jackson into some sort of combatant; giving him training equivalent to that of someone on the guard. "It's about self defense," Bellamy continued. The attack from the others had been unprovoked. And while Jackson had been outnumbered, Bellamy wanted to equip him with the training that would allow him to defend himself better.

"Protecting yourself," Bellamy added on. Training Jackson with a gun could be included in this, but it was a far less likely scenario that he would be holding one. Hand to hand combat training would be far more beneficial. "You don't have to decide right this second. But just, think about it," he asked of him. With a bit of training, Jackson would be able to fend off a threat . . . and it would sure as hell give Bellamy a bit of peace of mind, knowing that he had it within his capabilities to do so.

[Deleted]

Jackson actually felt his shoulder relax when Bellamy said he wasn't asking him to be a fighter. He knew, of course, Bellamy didn't have any intention of training him to guard level or anything. Jackson didn't have time for that anyway. But still, the idea of fighting at all was worrying. He didn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't even want to hurt the people who had hurt him. There was only on scenario he could imagine even threatening to hurt someone, and that was if they threatened Bellamy in any serious way. He nodded as Bellamy finished, finally taking that bite of food that was still on his fork.

"I don't know," he said honestly. His smile warmed a little. He did appreciate that Bellamy wanted him to be more safe than he was, but Jackson didn't really expect something like what happened before to happen again. "I'll think about it," he agreed. "If you teach me, it's going to have to wait a couple months until I can move more easily, though." His ribs were still an issue when it came to moving very quickly. He started eating at normal pace again. A couple of months was plenty of time to talk about it and decide. "I don't even know the first thing about any of that," he said. He'd never even been in a fight as a kid.

Tag: Bellamy Blake