Dealing With The Pain

[ash1]

Bellamy Blake

---

The first day in Camp Jaha most people were recovering. It felt like he was walking around in a Trance, not yet willing to deal with all that happened. Monty spent the first time looking around, hoping to see his parents, but failing to do so. Maybe they didn’t manage to get to earth. Maybe their communication was cut off from Alpha Station. It just added to the pile of things Monty Green did not want to deal with initially. He buried his mind in action. In the morning he joined a team going out for supplies. While they hunted he looked around, collecting whatever helpful plant he could spot. They had mechanics now, so he tried to help the medical team as much as he could, which wasn’t much.

It was one plant that made him think of the previous day, finally. Of a certain womans request. He had to follow through. This guilt he carried and the loneliness it brought… he did not want to deal with it. And because of that Monty plucked as many of the plants as he could. In the Camp, in his tent, he prepared the plants as much as possible, before carrying an assorted few with him over to Bellamy Blakes tent. He couldn’t knock – it was a tent – so he just went inside.
“Bellamy… I have something for you.”

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: ash1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Things had not gone according to plan. That was a hell of an understatement. Lexa's betrayal had cost hundreds of innocent lives of men, women, and children in Mount Weather, and that was not something that was just going to go away. Nor was it the only thing that wasn't right. Their people were safe, but they were also missing someone. A very significant someone. And the hurt that Bellamy felt over her leaving was also something that wasn't going to so quickly vanish.

Once the people were settled in their tents, and those taken to medical were being treated, Bellamy ensured there was enough food for the time being. He and a few others would have to go hunting tomorrow, but they seemed to have enough to go with for the rest of the day. When things seemed fairly calm, Bellamy went to his tent, needing a moment -- or perhaps several moments -- to just compose himself.

He felt the adrenaline wearing off but it was not exhaustion that took him over. Or well, if there was some of that, it wasn't what was most dominant in him. The first thing he needed to do was change out of these clothes, and thus returned to his usual attire of darkly clad pants and a blue t-shirt. He didn't want to wear the Mountain Men's uniform for all it represented. Once that was done he spent the remainder of the time ensuring that everything was in order, and even spoke to Marcus briefly.

Most everyone was resting as they had all been through quite a lot. Rest did not come easy for him though, so he just tried to keep busy. He spent the night checking their inventory, arming the guns, doing whatever he could but soon enough, even he could not fight the exhaustion. He retired to his tent and lay down, the lack of sleep over four days finally catching up to him. The next morning, a few were going out for supplies and to hunt, and Bellamy joined them.

Monty was on the team though he veered away from the crowd, and while Bellamy wished to speak to him, he would find the right time when they didn't have such tasks to fulfill. Once Bellamy caught something, he returned to camp on his own and gave the food to be prepared. He spoke to a few of the guards, before checking on the 44 of their -- his -- people that remained. Harper and a few others were in medical, and he checked with Jackson on their condition, as well as Raven's.

Once that was done, he decided he needed some time away from everyone. He went to his tent, currently sharpening a few blades when he turned his head to the opening, seeing Monty enter with a something in his hand, and vocalizing that he had something for him. Monty. With Clarke not here, Bellamy wanted to . . . needed to be there for him. He would have been either way, but right now, only he and Monty knew exactly what the other was struggling with. Or at least a semblance of it. "Trying to put me on a vegetarian diet?" He asked sarcastically. It wasn't what he really wanted to ask, but he would get there.

[ash1]

Monty was usually not as outspoken as others were. He was quiet, but observant and, well clever. Unlike some of the others he could make mental connections, that others would not be able to make, simple because his mind worked out of the usual framework. As such it had been easy for him to not only see but anticipate that Bellamy would not come out of it unscathed, yet he knew, like back at the dropship, he would be the one not bothering medical about it. Back at the dropship Clarke would have gently forced him to accept help. But with Clarke gone, who would do it? Octavia maybe, but she had so much to do as well. She was helping everyone, stepping up. As they landed he wouldn’t have expected that despite the strength he could see beyond her covers even then. She just performed a quantum leap, while others stayed behind. He smiled, though kept his head lowered.

“You wouldn’t accept that even if I tried.” He observed. And it was a bad idea as a big part of their food relied on hunted prey unlike on the Ark. There was no point in being a vegetarian if you were starving. It was illogical. “This is no food, technically. This is a herb we used on the Ark as well. I got several of them when we were outside.” While outside Bellamy seemed to be the only one not bothered with him picking up the plants. “You’ve been hurt in Mount Weather. You have not seen a doctor about it. You should make a tea of a few leaves. It’s a natural painkiller, it’s calming and antiseptic. I brought enough for the entire camp and to grow more.” And it worked against depression, but just minimal, but that was not the reason why he brought it to Bellamy. It was a painkiller. And Bellamy might be in pain. Plus Monty knew Bellamy was putting the others first, which was why he pointed out that they had more than enough.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: ash1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened attentively as Monty explained that it was a herb, one that he was familiar with as it was used on the Ark. He further elaborated that it was a natural painkiller and would have a calming affect. Bellamy did not miss Monty's opening words to that, stating that he had been hurt in Mount Weather and not seen a doctor. He took a few steps toward the younger male, his eyes on the tray to see what the herb looked like. "Nice job," he praised, giving a light pat on his upper arm. "Have you already taken them to medical? I'm sure Abby and Jackson will need as much as they can get."

And it would be all the better if they could grow some as well, as Monty already pointed out he was planning on doing. Monty's knowledge of such things was an asset. He was far more needed than some may realize, and Bellamy was not one to dismiss his strengths. "I'm fine, Monty. I'd much rather just give what we have to those who really need it." He had rested a bit for the night; he was fine. He couldn't afford to be otherwise. He couldn't afford to admit how he felt, and let it hinder his ability to lead the others. He had to numb himself to everything around him. Though he did appreciate Monty's concern.

"What about you, how are you doing?" The question was so much deeper than the seemingly non chalant way Bellamy had asked it. He was worried about Monty especially though. He had been with him and Clarke when they pulled that lever. Hell, he had made it possible. He wished he could lift that burden off his friend, but he couldn't. All he could do was be here for him and even then, Bellamy did not feel like that was nearly enough.

[ash1]

“I have taken a few of them to medical.” And they knew where to get the rest of them. Monty intended to care for them a little while longer. Neither Abby, nor Jackson had too much of an idea what plants needed. They didn’t know they had blood of a sort as well and all that. They knew how to use them, Monty knew how to keep them alive and how to grow more, hence why he kept some in his tent, with the intention of asking for an assigned place where he could grow those plants they needed. He’d try to get them to find him those planting pots his parents used to have. They were the easiest for him to handle and he was the most familiar with it. It would be an extra distraction.

“I have enough to numb the entire camp for two weeks. Please take it. And use it. You’ve been injured. And going by what you’ve displayed in the camp before, you will not stop working, so please at least ease the pain a little. It will not knock you out or make you high, if that’s your fear. It can’t harm your mental state in any form. You will feel better, I promise.” Did Bellamy have a reason to mistrust his promise? Hopefully not. So far if he made something worse, it was through genuine mistakes and not malicious intend.

Monty all but froze at the question. He had told everyone so far he was fine – most of them didn’t care, it was a matter of small talk, but Bellamy was different. He was usually not the man to ask this kind of question unless he was actually interested in an answer. Given what they’ve been through he might be as interested in Montys wellbeing as he was in Bellamys, as Clarke was in his as well. “My best friend won’t even look at me. People I care about are in medical. Others are dead. There’s no trace of my parents, might be holding a record there. Yay.” The latter was as sarcastic as it could get. “How are you?”


Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: ash1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Monty confirmed that he had taken a bit to medical, and then continued to try and convince Bellamy to take some. He assured him that the plant would not make him high or disorientated. Bellamy believed him. But he also was undeserving of it. Why should he be alleviated of any pain? What earned him that right? He should feel it. The images of what he'd done were forever burned in his mind, and while that outweighed any physical pain . . . the two went together. It was a constant reminder, a burden that he deserved to carry.

"I trust you, Monty." The words held a stronger weight than merely in the context of a plant. But Monty had promised him something, and Bellamy wanted him to know that his trust for the younger male was unwavering. So Bellamy took the plant, and casually set it aside for the time being. He had no intention of taking it, but he didn't want to keep debating with Monty when he was genuinely trying to help Bellamy; when he was expressing his concern for him.

Bellamy then listened attentively to Monty's answer to his question. He had to admit, he was relieved to not hear a simplistic, false answer of 'fine' or 'ok'. Monty was neither, and Bellamy knew it. He just wished he could do more for him; he wished he hadn't been put in the position that he had been. To hear that he had lost the support of his best friend, that his other friends were in medical or dead, and that he couldn't find his parents . . . well, it was indeed a lot to deal with. What could he say? What words could he offer that would help? None most probably. But that didn't mean he wouldn't try. "I know I'm no Jasper," Bellamy began to say, words that would have been said with a bit of humor had he felt even the slightest bit jovial.

"But you're not alone in this. You won't be going through it alone. I'm here for you. And . . . I just want you to know that." Bellamy knew that he hadn't exactly been best friends with Monty in the past, but he cared for him; as an older brother cared for a younger one. He felt protective over him, especially now considering what he had made possible for Clarke and Bellamy to do in their joined decision. Monty was one of the kindest people here, and didn't deserve this or anyone to treat him poorly. So he wanted Monty to know that they were together in this. Clarke had left, and Bellamy knew that must have hurt Monty as well. But the two of them were still here, and Bellamy would . . . could not not shut out his friend.

[ash1]

“Jasper is probably going to throw a fit once he finds out I’m probably holding a record here now.” Montys voice was clear of bitterness about what he said, laced with pain about the fact that his friend loved the spotlight and would do a lot to be in it – one reason why Monty knew Jasper would probably be a bit of a pain for a while now. It was a truth Monty knew about Jasper before they came down here and it didn’t change. As much as he loved his friend, he knew he’d find a way to make his pain the more important one. And that was fine, that was how he was healing. But Monty was in pain as well and he could not heal like that by patting someones back and telling them how awesome they were for enduring the pain of stubbing their toe. He needed support and hoped, kind of, to find it with Bellamy, who never let them down. “Two sets of dead parents. Not the record anyone would want to hold.” It was a record he despised, but it made at least a bit of light of the situation. He could cope with losing his parents, much better than the rest.

“Neither are you alone, Bellamy. You… you care for all of us, you risked your life” Both of them had done the best they could and they were paying the price. “You’re not alone, Bellamy. I hope you know that. I’m here for you, too. And I am pretty sure a lot of the others are. They’re coping as well, but the month on the ground where you kept us alive, it’s not forgotten. For what it’s worth: We’re here for you. I’ll be there for you as much as I can.” None of them could undo anything. If Monty could, he’d want to take a lot fo the burdens Bellamy and Clarke carried on their shoulders from them. If he could, maybe Clarke would still be there. “I worry about her. Do you think she’ll be okay out there?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: ash1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Monty spoke of how Jasper would throw a fit over Monty holding a record, and well, Bellamy may not know Jasper extremely well but he knew him well enough to understand that. "It's not a contest," Bellamy stated in a low voice. His words were better reserved for Jasper, more geared toward him than Monty, but as Monty was the one present . . . Bellamy said them regardless. His next words caused the older male to look at him, a flicker of curiosity in his eyes. "Two sets of parents?" He questioned, his inquiry hinting for a further explanation as to what he meant. Losing one set of parents was bad enough . . . but what did Monty mean by two? Now this was something he didn't know about the male. Then again, he imagined there was a lot he didn't know about Monty.

He was then telling him of how he wasn't alone either, how he risked his life and that the others were there for him . . . that Monty was there for him. "I appreciate that," he told him with the utmost sincerity. He had to be strong for the others though. He couldn't let them be there for him emotionally. There was only one person who he would have been able to let that happen with . . . and she was gone. Monty was as close as it would come, considering the poor guy had played a part in what was decided; in what plagued both Bellamy and Clarke, and not Monty. He didn't deserve that guilt, and Bellamy wanted to be there for him as much as he could. "And same goes for you," he reiterated, wanting to emphasize the fact that he was here for Monty. "All we can do now is hope to heal and move forward." Bellamy had to put his feelings aside, for the betterment of the camp. He had to appear strong, capable, sure . . . not the broken shadow of a man he felt he had crumbled to.

But then Monty asked about Clarke, the question making the older male pause before answering. It was a question that Bellamy had on his own mind. She had taken nothing with her, she had no idea where she was going. She was just going to take her chances and wander through the woods. "She's a survivor," Bellamy answered. He couldn't promise that she was going to be ok but he knew how capable she was. "She's strong. A fighter." She would be ok physically -- or so he desperately hoped -- but mentally, emotionally, psychologically . . . that was an entirely different case. Something that Bellamy could not confirm with certainty. "I have to believe that she'll be alright." Because if she wasn't, what hope in hell did he have?

[ash1]

Oh right. Bellamy didn’t know. Cause who would have told him? Nobody, certainly not Monty. He didn’t like to put himself into the spotlight, that was usually Jaspers job, though that belonged to the past as well. And now the question arose because he brought it up as casually as he did. But maybe it would be good to talk to Bellamy about it. Bellamy he could trust with it. Others might have looked at him differently, but there was no way Bellamy would. He knew what it was like being around illegal children, he had raised one, and a great one at that. Octavia was… brilliant, just pure brilliant. Without being asked to, almost a little boldly Monty lowered himself onto the floor to sit and be a bit more comfortable while talking to the friend. “I was born as illegal child.” He finally explained. “My biological mother was underage when she had me. My biological father was immediately floated, she was floated when she turned 18. If it hadn’t been for the greens, I would have either been locked up all my life or died as a kid as a I would have gotten no medical attention being an illegal child locked up in the skybox. My parents had a permit to have a kid, but my mom is infertile, so she couldn’t have their own. They fought to adopt me and made me legal. I was a very lucky baby.” He would have been dead without them, one way or another.

“I think she will survive, but be alright? She was broken. She could hardly look at me long enough to ask me to take care of you, not that she had to. I would have wanted to either way. I owe you a lot and either way, I care about you.” He would go after her, if he had any hope of that being the right choice, but Clarke needed that. And he needed to make sure Bellamy would be okay, not just for her. “How is your sister?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: ash1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened attentively and with intigue as Monty began to explain his former situation. Bellamy had no idea. He supposed he really had no way of knowing Monty's past, but he did find it to be extremely interesting. He had never encountered or heard of an adopted child in the same way Monty had been. It was fascinating, though Bellamy certainly felt smypathy toward him for losing both biological parents. The older male knew that feeling all too well. "You were extremely lucky," Bellamy agreed.

"Finding a way to be legal, to not have that fear of being floated just for existing . . . " He, Octavia and their mother had lived with that fear for their entire lives. Bellamy to this day, remained surprised that he hadn't gotten floated for protecting Octavia all this time. He had tried to reason with them though, practically begging them to float him instead of O, but it had never worked. "I'm glad things worked out for you Monty. That you could be part of a family, and didn't have to be a victim of the Ark's laws." Meaning, getting floated. So many people a victim. So many people considered criminals for things they shouldn't necessarily be ones for. But alas it was the society they had once been a part of. A society that was now much changed on the ground.

Bellamy was also glad, and felt privileged, that Monty chose to share this with him. He imagined it wasn't something Monty advertised, otherwise he was certain he would have heard of it. Bellamy's mood shifted when they spoke of Clarke, Monty telling him that she had asked him to look after Bellamy. The thought made him feel . . . angry. And hurt. Not that those emotions had even subsided yet. It was still too early. If Clarke truly cared about him, she wouldn't have left. If she wanted him to be ok, she wouldn't have left. It was simple as that. Bellamy had needed her, pleaded with her . . . but she didn't stay. Their people needed her too, but he had just thought that their bond was stronger than that. Finally, Bellamy could identify how he felt about Clarke; how to sum up what her actions of leaving made him feel: resentment.

"You don't have to take care of me," he said in a low voice, wanting to spite the idea because it was something that Clarke wanted. He didn't want her concern. Not anymore. He could never let himself be so vulnerable again; to be so emotionally invested and dependant on someone. Because they just had the power to hurt you too damn much. "I care about you too,." He wanted to focus his energy on the younger male before him. Bellamy knew he had to set his feelings aside for the beetterment of the camp. The best way to do so would be to look after them; to help them . . . to take care of them. "Which is why, I'm gonna be here to help you through it. And we will get through this. We need to focus on the now, on the future. And . . . it'll be alright." He would make sure it was alright for his friends, for his people.

Octavia was a safer subject though it still left Bellamy a little . . . well, he wasn't sure what the word was. He appeared to have missed her entire transformation, having fully adapted to the Grounder culture. Though she was still his little sister, she was so different now. "She's good," he answered truthfully. "Recovering in a different way and for different reasons, but she's good. She's . . . " Bellamy gave the faintest of smiles, seeing this change in her as something good. He had to. He saw how strong she was from it.

"Octavia." That was how he could best answer it. "She was really worried about you guys," he added on, wanting Monty to know that she was also there for him. She had Lincoln though with her, and Bellamy was glad for her support. But he also knew his sister and her willingness to support others. There was something though; something that happened that he wasn't sure about. He had missed a lot while in Mount Weather and was certain there would be time to catch up on all that.

[ash1]

“A lot of other kids were not so lucky. Your sister was lucky as well.” She got hidden most of her life. She had a loving family that much was clear, until she got discovered. But in the end, she could live and be loved and was that not all that mattered in life? At least that was what he learned with his family. He might had the typical teenager priority – being only barely 16 – but he knew, in the end, with his family, he could have survived anything. And he was one of the very lucky ones who would never doubt his parents devotion for him. They fought for him, for his life, for his survival, they wanted him, him and no other baby, just him. And now they were gone, dead like so many other people.

“We will, eventually.” Maybe he should hang around Bellamy more often. His best friend hated him and out of all the people, Bellamy was the only one in this camp who understood what happened in this room, why and how they made the hard decision – and Monty blamed it on himself, too. He had enabled it, but he hadn’t stopped them. He could have stopped them, but hadn’t, because he knew it was the only way. It was the only way to save them all, it had to be done, it didn’t feel any better, though.

“I know she was. She’s a great person, Bellamy. She’ll want to help all of us.” This was just Octavia. She used to chase butterflies and flowers. She became a warrior apparently, but the gentle caring heart in her remained. She would want to help all of them. Then another idea came to him. “Bellamy… the remaining delinquents, some of them have no family anymore. Nobody will represent them. We need to organize ourselves again, within this camp.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: ash1

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Monty was right. Octavia was lucky . . . to an extent. Her life had been far from easy, being stuck in the confines of their apartment. And her freedom had come at the expense of their mother's life. It was a difficult situation, a complex one. Luckier than others, he supposed. But it was far from an ideal situation. Bellamy gave an ever so slight smile when Monty spoke of how she's a great person, and would want to help all of them. "She will. She does." That was just Octavia's nature. She had grown so much since they came here . . . everyone had. "Everyone's come a long way since we first landed," he said, thinking aloud his previous thoughts. And at the same time, his mind filled with the thought of all those who hadn't.

Monty's next words provided another safe distraction. Somewhat safe. Bellamy wondered if any subject was truly safe. "I'll represent you," he told him. Obviously Bellamy wasn't technically their family . . . but he would stand up for them. Clarke wasn't here. She was the one who had spoken up against the Chancellor -- since it was her mother. "I plan to act in the best interest of our people," he assured Monty. Whatever that involved. Because the delinquents, they were his people. His friends. "You're right though. We will organize ourselves within the camp. I'm not going to let us get pushed aside just because the council and Chancellor are here." Clarke hadn't let it happen, and neither would he.

[ash1]

“Thank you.” Monty was glad he wanted to represent them. He was the best guy for the job, hands down. Him and Clarke, without them they would have fallen apart. With Clarke gone, Bellamy was the one, who could do it. He could stand up to the council. Bellamy was the perfect person for the job. The all trusted him and their voices would be heard, If he made it heard. He and Clarke were the ones who could make that happen and Monty trusted in him to make it happen. It would help everyone a lot and he guessed it would help Bellamy, too. He knew Clarke had asked him to take care of them while she couldn’t. It was sad, actually. Monty knew a lot of them – not all of course – were ready to help the two of them be strong. They were a group, a team, they had their backs and a lot of them felt bad for not having trusted her. She had offered the solution before the problem arose.

“We will.” Monty agreed. And he just had to get it out. “Bellamy, you don’t have to do it. You’re the best man for the job, but you don’t have to. You especially don’t have to do it alone. We have your back. We’re broken, all in our own way. But we have your back. You’re family to the most of us. You’re our leader, but in our group our leaders are allowed to be human. We got you or at least we try to.”

Bellamy Blake