Words That Need To Be Said

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy needed some air. Seeing his sister kill Pike was the last bit he could take. The straw that threatened to break the camel's back. He had trid to warn her, tried to appeal to her . . . but it had been the final act that made him fully realize, just how much he lost her. With everyone reconciling with their loved ones and friends, Bellamy just walked out of the room, needing a minute to himself. Giving everyone else the chance to slowly regain themselves. They would have to figure out how to get down, but that could wait unitl everyone was ready. Bellamy hadn't even checked on Jaha who, he had shot twice now without so much as a hello to him. He stepped out of the room, not even sure where he was going until he found another abandoned room in the tower. He hated this place, but right now, he ahd no other choice.

Once he entered the room he left the door a little open, going to the far side of the chambers. He felt restless. Unsure whether he needed to pace or sit still. Unsure whether to scream, cry, or just stay silent. He felt like everything was threatening to emerge; everything was threatening to break out. Until he realized what he truly was. Broken. And that was all there was too it. His sister hated him. His relationship with Clarke was damaged. And the man who was the closest thing he had to a father . . . saw him as the enemy. Bellamy didn't know where he stood with any of these three people, and was too much of a coward to find out. So all he could do was stand there, feeling helpless. Fighting back the tears that threatened to spill. He didn't even hear approaching footsteps or hear the door creak open. He remained completely still, staring out the window on the opposite side of the room.

[Marcus Kane]

a son worth fighting for Marcus was in hell. The hell was all in his head, and it was hard to deal with everything that was hitting him. He felt pain everywhere and hunger; but he couldn't think over the guilt that was sweeping over him for everything that he had done. Abby walked over toward him, and he didn't even see her until she knelt down before him. He clung to her int hat moment, like she was the life boat and he would drown without her. He had done so much to kill the ones that he swore to protect. He had hunted, and advanced on every one he cared about. He had--Bellamy. He had almost killed the man he often thought of as his son. He looked down at his hands, which now felt too weak to move, and knew that his 'son' would not be wearing bruises int he shape of his fingers. Bellamy could have shot him, and over powered him; but Marcus knew that the younger man would never do that. Not to him. And he hated that ALIE had used him like that. Used him to hurt the man that Marcus had given up everything for once. It took a little while before he could stand on unsteady legs, and notice that Bellamy was not here. When Marcus did find him, he felt so much guilt, and pain--not just from his body but from his heart. He had nearly killed this man, and the worst thing he could imagine was living with that memory. He wasn't sure that he could have lived with himself if he had. Walking slowly, and a bit wobbly, over to his son-like friend, Marcus stared up at him for a long moment. He first looked at the pain he had inflicted, before he looked at his face. He wasn't a man that showed his emotions well, but in this moment he could only hope that Bellamy knew that Kane would rather die then hurt him--a fact that he once proved by not running Blake over, thus giving up and being arrested, knowing Pike would kill him for this. But that was something different. So different from this moment. "Bellamy," He said his name in a horse voice that cracked. Not able to express what he needed to say in that moment, Marcus stood there for a long moment just staring at the man he loved, before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around the fitter man. His arms hurt too much to lift them around Bellamy's neck, but he forced them to wrap around his shoulders and hold him to himself. "I'm sorry," he breathed out. He wished Bellamy had just killed him--though he was also glad to be alive, he would not want to risk killing Bellamy again. It hurt to pull Blake in close, but Marcus couldn't express what he had to say in this moment with words.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Hearing the voice of the person who joined him, caused Bellamy to slightly tense. He wasn't afraid that Kane would kill him. He knew full well that it had been ALIE who had done that. But . . . it didn't ease the uncertainty that flooded Bellamy. For the words exchanged before them, before Kane was chipped, was still very real. But it was his tone. His tone that made Bellamy turned to look at him, seeing him, and feeling his own heart ache at the sight before. Marcus Kane, the man who was often stoic, strong, composed . . . the one who had to be for his people. The closest thing that Bellamy had ever had as a father. Looking as broken as Bellamy himself felt. He just watched him as he leaned towards him, embracing him, his arms slowly wrapped around him.

It caused the younger male to keep still, frozen, But the words of apology, were what made it impossible to keep that stoic demeanour. Bellamy had been trying so hard to keep everything contained within him. He had shed tears, but never allowed himself more than that, knowing there was a great deal at stake. But now, with Kane holding him, uttering apologetic words, and recent events . . . Bellamy could contain it no longer. He wrapped his own arms around Kane, dropping his head so that his forehead was against Kane's inner shoulder, between his neck. The tears started to fall and fall, at the point that Bellamy knew his shoulders were shaking due to the intensity of emotions.

He hadn't even realized that admit him practically sobbing, he had spoken the same words against Marcus. "I'm sorry," he breathed. Barely audible, perhaps only heard due to their close proximity but even then, Bellamy wasn't entirely conscious of it. He felt like had had failed his father of heart, and standing on opposing sides . . . had nearly destroyed him. Being on opposing sides of the three most important people in his life. But now, he knew for certain . . . that Kane had not given up on him. And while Bellamy wasn't deserving of that, he couldn't let the man go. Not physically nor emotionally.

[Marcus Kane]

a son worth fighting for Bellamy didn't move at first, but before Marcus could pull away, Bellamy finally did return the embrace. It hurt to have Bellamy embracing him, as every part of Marcus' body hurt; and it hurt because he knew that he was apart of the reason that Bellamy was now crying. Marcus had never before comforted anyone who was crying. Not like this. He didn't know what to do, as everything he normally would be doing was limited. He couldn't open his hands enough to rub his back, or do anything more then hold him close. "You did good, son," He told him, his voice still cracking slightly. He knew that a lot had happen since they had last seen each other. Thanks to ALIE sharing all her information with them, Marcus knew bits of the journey to save them. Going to the boat people, the happenings at the cave, and how they had almost brought him up to use him to make Clarke talk. Bellamy had seen them through. ALIE had used Marcus against him, knowing that Marcus knew that Bellamy wouldn't fight him as hard--if at all. He also knew there was more to this then just the recent events. He and Bellamy had been at odds, and it was hard to move on from that. But that didn't mean that Marcus had not cared for him like a son the whole time. That he had not given up the hope that Bellamy would indeed understand this. He didn't want to let him go, even though his whole body hurt. So instead, Marcus rested his arms on the younger man slightly to help counter the pain and make sure that he could still be there for his son-like friend. He too rested his head on the shoulder that was perfect height to brace on. He hated himself for having to use the strength of Bellamy to stand but he needed it. Marcus could feel the weight of what he had done tot he younger man baring down on him. It was then he too began to cry. He had almost killed his boy and now he could see just how much he was hurt. Not that he hadn't had an idea, but Bellamy didn't often show signs that he was feeling weak or sad. He was like Marcus in a way. "I'm proud of you," he finally managed to get out.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Hearing Marcus' words only made the tears come harder. He did good. He was proud of him. Bellamy felt utterly undeserving of those words. He had failed him when he allowed the execution to stand. Despite his attempt to help them break out . . . there was still a failure there. He had put his faith in the belief that the Chancellor wouldn't execute their own people. And that had been wrong. Pike was still a friend, but Bellamy had failed his people in a way that he could never make up for. He couldn't derive any relief or comfort in Marcus' words, knowing he was unworthy of them. Hell, it only made him more emotional.

The sudden feel of water against Bellamy indicated that Marcus was also crying now. A sight that Bellamy never wanted to be the reason for. He didn't know what the hell ALIE had made him do, and was fully aware that choking him was only part of it. But he didn't hold it against him. Of course he didn't. Seeing how emotionally disturbed he was by it just further proved how completely in control ALIE was. Bellamy knew Kane would never hurt him. But, Bellamy had hurt him.

Unsure of how long they were standing there, seeking what comfort they could from each other's embrace, the realization of ALIE's torture inflicted upon them suddenly came further and further into the surface of his mind. Causing him to draw back to look at Kane, his hands still around him. He looked over the older male, noticing the way he stood, and the wounds he had on him. "You should get that cleaned up," he said in a low voice, trying to keep his voice steady but knew it was slightly hoarse from the tears that still slowly slid down his cheeks, his eyes red from the sobs that had uncontrollably left him. Taking his arm, he led him to the chair and gently urged him to sit down. "Is it just your wrists?" Bellamy asked, wondering where else they had hurt him, becuse Bellamy wanted to do what he could do help. And if it was out of his capabilities, then he would get Abby or Jackson right away.

[Marcus Kane]

a son worth fighting for Bellamy pulled away, and Marcus tried to use his hand to touch the younger man's shoulder but his hands were still too sore to have any strength. He wanted to tell Bellamy that should this happen again for him not to hesitant. TO not allow Marcus to be used against him. While he was glad that he was alive, if it came down to it, Marcus rather it be himself, than Bellamy. Before he could speak these thoughts, Bellamy put in his own. "You should get that cleaned up," He knew that but had not been able to think on that until he had made sure he spoke to Bellamy. Made sure that he was not suffering more then he let on from the injures that Marcus had gave him. After half falling, half sitting in the chair, Marcus realized he was out of breath from the emotion and the injuries. "Is it just your wrists?" It was more then that. The pain in his head and in his heart was worse. "Yeah, I can go clean them once I rest for a moment." He didn't want Bellamy taking care of him, when he had done harm to Blake. "Bellamy," He looked up at the man before him, "I know we haven't seen eye to eye about things lately, but know that I never would have wanted to hurt you. ALIE knew how to hurt everyone. It's why she used Abby to get to me, and Clarke. Why she was going to use to get to Clarke. Why she used me to get to you. And while I am greatful for being alive . . . . should their be a next time, don't let me do it." He was telling Bellamy, that should their be a next time, to make sure that he didn't come so close to winning. Even if it meant killing Marcus. "How is your neck?" His eyes dropped down the bruising, and he felt sick, and guilty.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy watched Marcus carefully, seeing the way he was using him for support, though he also knew the sentiment of his shoulder. When Kane was finally sitting, he looked exhausted. Drained. Who knew if ALIE let the others sleep, eat, or rest at all. All their necessities as humans surely came crashing back when de chipped; when re-entered into reality. Right now however, Bellamy wanted to tend to his wounds. To make sure they didn't get worse. At least his physical ones. The psychological and emotional ones would take far longer.

When Kane spoke, Bellamy looked at him, taking in each word. He had hated being on opposing sides with the man he considered to be a father. He hated the tension that so strongly existed between them. He'd been crushed when Kane referred to him as the enemy, but his words now made it clear that he did not perceive him that way. That he hadn't given up on him. Bellamy remained silent, going over to where there was conveniently a pitcher of water and a bowl.

He proceeded to pour it in, grabbing the cloth alongside it and carrying it back to Kane, where he knelt down in front of the male. His words still processing in his mind. Words that he would not leave without a response. He looked at the sleeves of Kane, starting to roll them up. "If you're asking me to kill you next time . . . " He began to say, his eyes finally moving to Kane's, so that the older male would see the seriousness and strength in Bellamy's next words. "I won't do it." Bellamy would rather die himself than kill Kane, as evidenced by his actions of not fighting back.

Besides, Bellamy deserved it. He had been able to shoot Jaha and risk the lethal injuries on the man. But not Kane. Even if he aimed somewhere that was non lethal . . . he still couldn't do it. "I know it wasn't you," he added on in a quiet voice, starting to wipe away the blood from his forearm. "No one was themselves under ALIE's control." Bellamy didn't hold that against them. Against him. A lot had to be done to others that would not have been the case if they were in their right minds. He looked at Kane again, knowing his eyes were still redder than usual from having cried against the once Chancellor's shoulder.

"It wasn't your fault," he added on, knowing that it couldn't be said the same for any of Bellamy's actions. "This is on ALIE. And she's gone now." Destroyed. Hopefully once and for all. He knew he should answer Kane's latter question, but didn't want to bring too much attention to it, having been able to see the guilt in the man's eyes. "It's fine," he answered dismissively, rinsing the cloth in the bowl of water before continuing to gently wipe his wrists. Seeing the wounds, caused him to clench his jaw, and made a wave of anger surge through Bellamy . . . anger, and pain, over seeing what they had done to his father of heart.

[Marcus Kane]

words that need to be said "I won't do it." Bellamy refused Kane the 'request' that he had made, and Kane looked down. He had known that Bellamy wouldn't do it, but he still knew that should it happen again that he would rather it be Bellamy then himself. "If I had to made a choice, I'd rather you'd live, and not let me do it. If Clarke had taken longer, and I had to live with the knowledge that I killed you . . . " It was Kane's turn to look away. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't know if he could have moved on from that. Having taken Bellamy's life. He knew that it would be one of the hardest parts of this; living with the memory of trying to kill the man he called his son. Feeling him under his hands, and knowing that it was easy because Bellamy fought with her heart, and his heart wouldn't let him hurt Marcus in return. He hated ALIE. Hated what he had done under her control. Bellamy moved to clean Marcus' wrist, and Marcus inhaled at the touch but didn't allow himself to flinch. They had been holes, but some of it had grown over during the time he was under ALIE's no-pain world. Small favors, he thought bitterly. She hadn't bothered with medicine or even overly patching anyone up. Why bother, she could just make sure nothing hurt. That was going to hurt a lot of them. Infection, pain, and sickness. Kane closed his eyes for a moment, knowing more would die from the after effects of this. "It's fine," Opening his eyes, Marcus looked back at Bellamy, reaching his free hand to rest over the hand that was cleaning his wound. "You were almost killed a moment ago," He reminded him, of what Marcus couldn't forget. "You don't always have to be so strong. It's ok to not be fine." It hurt to hold him, so Marcus' hand fell away but he didn't stop talking. "Everyone leans on you son, and I know what it's like. To fear showing weakness, because weakness gets people killed. But it's ok to not be fine." Marcus knew that to prove his words, he had to prove them. "I don't have any children, but sometimes I think of you as how I would want my son to be; and when I looked down at you, knowing I had done that . . . I don't think I had ever been as afraid or regretted something as much." Even the culling. There they had been people he didn't know when a cause he honestly had believed. This time it was a young man he loved as a son. "Ever."

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Marcus Kane

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to Marcus, speak of how he would have had to live with the knowledge of what he'd done had he succeeded in the attempt to kill Bellamy. "It was ALIE," he said in a quiet voice, but Bellamy knew that he and Kane held that in common. The fact that they would not -- could not -- exempt themselves of blame. That even if they were not in control of their actions, they would blame themselves. That was not a guilt Bellamy would ever want to rest on Kane's shoulders or weigh at his heart . . . but he knew it would have. And yet, Bellamy still would not be able to kill him. Even though it may condemn him to a lifetime of guilt.

At least they wouldn't have to worry about it right now. All they could do was take things one day at a time. Bellamy's hand was stopped when Kane reminded him of what had happened; assuring him that he didn't always have to be strong. But Bellamy knew there was no point to admitting he wasn't fine. He was . . . whatever the people needed. He was a sacrifice. He was a martyr. He was an asset. He was a liability. He was a leader. He was a follower. He was an enforcer. He was a rebel. He was a citizen. He was a scapegoat. He was a friend. He was an enemy.

Whatever the people needed of him, he gave. However they wanted to treat them, he often allowed it. He was just so tired of it. Exhausted, and the point of being broken . . . maybe beyond repair. So he couldn't afford to be anything but fine. "I've been weak for so long." Weak; resulting in people dying. He had the lives of nearly a thousand people now weighing on his conscience. How did he come back from that? How did he even recover or cope with what he had done that tallied up such a high kill count? He had lost those he was closest to . . . even having believed he'd lost Kane.

Which was why he felt so dependant on this, on him. On this very conversation. As undeserving he was of it; he couldn't deny the need he felt toward the man. That need, for hope. He felt his eyes sting with tears once more when Kane told him he saw him as a son. He had felt loved as one, just like he loved the man as a father. "I failed you," he breathed, unable to withhold the words, as another tear fell down his cheek. He was trying to focus in cleaning the wounds, but Kane's words forced him to look at the older male. "I failed everyone." What was how people saw him. Deserving of anger and violence.

"A son is meant to be a reflection of their father and . . . I didn't do the role justice." An admittance that he saw Kane as a father, that he wanted him to see him as a son. And that . . . he'd failed in making a father proud. He'd failed in all aspects. He'd nearly gotten Kane killed. Yet, Kane spoke to him of killing him being one of his greatest regrets . . . despite the culling and all else. It only made Bellamy's heart ache even more. "I know you would never do that," Bellamy assured, sniffing, in attempt to hold back his tears. "It's not your fault." Once again, he was fully aware that words could not change his perception, yet he felt the need to at least try and continue to reassure him. Or at least have Kane know that Bellamy did not blame him.

[Marcus Kane]

a son worth fighting for Bellamy insisted that it was not Marcus, but ALIE, and Marcus knew he didn't understand what he meant. ALIE had made him do it because he had allowed her too. He had done this. He went on to express that he thought he had been weak for too long, and Marcus shook his head softly. That wasn't true. Bellamy had been pressing on and being strong since they had sent him down. "I failed you," he admitted out loud, and Marcus disagreed. "I failed everyone." Is that how he saw himself? "A son is meant to be a reflection of their father and . . . I didn't do the role justice." Kane disagrees with both of them, instantly and strongly. His father had been a mean spiteful man, who had abused his mother with out Marcus knowing for years before she was able to get free. No son should reflect their fathers. Marcus felt they should always strive to be better then their fathers. A feat be believed that Bellamy would end up doing. Was doing even now. "I know you would never do that," He finished, "It's not your fault." Marcus wanted to hug the man once again, but he wasn't good at overly expressing the emotions that he felt. "Bellamy, men make mistakes. One choice does not define a man. What defines him, is how he handles his mistakes, and if he learns from them." Marcus leaned closer, resting his elbows on his knees do his face could be closer to Bellamy's as he pressed. "I hadn't met you when I first started hearing your name. At first it was the assassin that we'd sent to the ground with the kids, and then it was the man who was keeping them alive. You made mistakes, yes, but we are only human. I've made mistakes, too." Marcus looked down at the floor before looking back at him, "One of my mistakes inadvertently got my mother killed, another took the lives of 320 of our own people. Another had me nearly floating Abby. In truth, I wish I was a bit more like you. I have always been willing to scarfice some for the good of the whole--and you fight with very breath to save everyone . . . . and I have tried to be more like you in that."

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