Don't Blake My Heart

[Deleted]

Jackson actually huffed a small laugh when Bellamy told him to do something else, and that he was fine, no matter what Jackson believed. But it wasn't about believing. It was about knowing. Knowing that a concussion could be serious. Knowing that Bellamy didn't have to push himself right now, given their relative peace lately. Knowing Bellamy could have died today because of his recklessness and that he planned to continue not caring about himself. Even if Jackson begged him. Even if Bellamy dying would break Jackson's heart into a million pieces after they'd uttered words like 'forever'. "You're not alright. Whether you believe it or not," Jackson returned. "But if you don't want me here, I'll go." He probably needed to go before he got emotional. He'd stitched Bellamy up, gotten him ice, his vitals were good. Bellamy just needed to rest now, so there wasn't any reason Jackson needed to be standing over him.

"I'll see you later," he said, nodding. He just wasn't sure when. He frowned, touching Bellamy's cheek briefly, and then walked away. He had paperwork to finish, but first he was going to have a little chat with Kane.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy watched Jackson walk away, his words playing over in his mind. Words that spoke of how he wasn't alright, and suggesting that Bellamy didn't want Jackson there. Which of course wasn't the case. But they would talk about it. Sure enough. When Bellamy felt strong enough to stand, he did, taking deep breaths and not feeling as dizzy or nauseated this time around. He kept the ice against his head and finally left medical. His thought was to stay in his room only for a short time, but he wound up resting for the remainder of the day. He had a mind to go find Jackson, knowing when his partner got off work, but instead, Bellamy drifted to sleep.

He occasionally woke up, looking to his side to see if Jackson had come in, but the other side of his bed remained untouched. Bellamy wanted to wait up for him, assuming that work kept him occupied, but his heavy lids disallowed it. And he wound up drifting every time he tried not to. It wasn't until late the next morning that he got out of bed, still noticing that Jackson hadn't come. That unsettling feeling in his stomach was growing stronger; his gut telling him that something was definitely off. He made a mental note to speak to his partner about it tonight. Surely, they would see each other.

Bellamy made his way to Kane, to report for whatever duties the day entailed. He was feeling better and ready to work . . . but what Kane told him, left Bellamy unable to do so. He felt a strong wave of annoyance, and tried to argue with the older male, but it was clear his decision was final, and Bellamy was instructed -- practically ordered -- to go and get rest. Like hell. It took everything within him to not go to Jackson right now -- knowing he was still working.

Instead, he tried to find things to do around Arkadia, but it seemed that everyone was given the order. No one needed his help apparently, and made Bellamy increasingly agitated. Finally, the time came when he knew Jackson would be off -- and if he wasn't, he was going to wait for him in his quarters. So with that determination, he went to Jackson's room, walking in like he usually did and saw him there, closing the door behind him. "You talked to Kane?!" His voice was not raised, but it was clear he was irritated by it. Angry even.

[Deleted]

Jackson had slept terribly the night before. Not only had he grown accustomed to the feel of security of sharing a bed with Bellamy, he'd also laid in bed for a long time before falling asleep, fear seizing his chest. Fear that he could have lost Bellamy. Fear that he'd fallen in love with someone he could lose to sheer recklessness. Because Jackson knew it now. He loved Bellamy, even if he hadn't said it yet.

There was also the worry of how Bellamy would react when he discovered Jackson had him benched. But Bellamy didn't show up at Jackson's room during the night, and Jackson hadn't seen Bellamy all day today. Until he got home. He was just starting to pull his jacket off, ready for a shower, when Bellamy came in the door, obviously upset. Maybe angry.

Jackson sighed and turned to face him. "Yeah, I did. You didn't really give me much choice," he said, knowing he sounded tired. He didn't want to fight, especially when Bellamy had a fresh concussion. He wanted to hold Bellamy, make his rest, and then yell at him a week from now. But he didn't think he was going to get his way as easily this time.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Jackson's calm tone somewhat alleviated the immediate anger in Bellamy. He knew he wasn't angry at Jackson. But more himself. For the fact that he'd let Clarke get kidnapped because of his past actions. The fact that he had allowed himself to get injured. And the fact that he'd done something that had caused a strange tension to exist between them. But Bellamy tended to react emotionally to situations, being an emotional person in general. And he feared that Jackson was going to learn that rather quickly.

"I don't need you to do that for me." He wasn't used to people taking care of him. He wasn't used to someone looking out for him. He knew Jackson did and he . . . loved that about him. But it was the unfamiliarity of the situation that left Bellamy feeling helpless and useless. "I don't need you to go behind my back and tell Kane that I'm not fit to work." Because other than that, Bellamy had no purpose here.

Without working, all that was left was the utter realization that he'd done more damage than good. He had gone into Mount Weather to make up for what he'd done to the kids who's parents died in the culling. And everything that came after that, was making up for the other damage he'd caused. If he wasn't working . . . then how did he make up for anything? But articulating that was so much more difficult than claiming it to be anything apart from sheer stubbornness.

[Deleted]

"Obviously you do, Bell," Jackson said. "I knew you weren't going to listen to me, and I was right." He wasn't sure what emotion was on his face as he looked at Bellamy. Hurt, worry, need, pleading that Bellamy understand? He felt all of that. Anger as well, but he was too tired to deal with that one right now. And he was too tired to worry about what Bellamy might see on his face.

"Things are quiet right now, Bell," he said. "It's safe enough for you to rest and recover like you should."

tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy wasn't sure how to explain it. And he wasn't sure he could seeing Jackson's expression when he looked back at him. Safe. Things were next safe. Sometimes, they were their own worst enemy. He had a lifetime to make up for, and couldn't stop. Yet, he knew there was something else between them. He also knew that he could ignore it, and let it fester . . . or address it right now.
Was Jackson even in the right state to talk about it?

"If you have something to say to me, then say it." A reason as to why they hadn't spent last night together, when they'd practically spent every other night since committing to each other, in one another's company. Was there something he should know? Probably. His own annoyance wasn't the root cause. But something told Bellamy that Jackson didn't spend the entire night work, and that being the reason he had not spent the night with him. Yet he did look tired. "Why didn't you come over last night?" He asked a bit more directly, trying to open it as a conversation rather than an accusation.

[Deleted]

Jackson blinked, surprised by the sudden shift in the conversation. He had a lot to say to Bellamy, but he didn't really want to right now. When Bellamy asked why he hadn't come over, Jackson felt his eyes prickle. He shook his head and looked away. He could say he worked late. He could say he wanted to make sure Bellamy rested, and he thought he'd be a distraction. But the first answer was a lie, and the second was bullshit. And even if he wanted to lie, which he didn't, the emotion on his face would give him away.

"Fear," he said after a moment. "Hurt. Anger. Do I need to make a list?" He looked back at Bellamy, his eyes glassy.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy watched Jackson, seeing the way he looked away before meeting his gaze again. The emotion in his eyes. Well, damn it. Bellamy hadn't wanted to hurt Jackson. Not in the slightest. And he sure as hell didn't want to be the reason for his tears. Bellamy swallowed, trying to process his words, trying to understand them. Perhaps, deep down, he already did. The situation feeling similar, as he had gone through with Gena when running through an Azgeda army. But, maybe that wasn't it at all. Maybe it was something else. Or maybe . . . Bellamy was just grasping at straws.

"Apparently you do, cause I don't understand." He wanted to move closer to him, to hold him. To swear to him that he never meant to be the reason he was hurting. "I don't . . . ever want to hurt you. Or make you feel any of those things." He felt that was important to vocalize, that it was never his intention. And yet, he had. "And I don't wanna make you upset but just . . . tell me what it is. Tell me what you need." And he would try to fix it. He could easily take the responsibility of it all, though perhaps, part of it was a sense of denial . . . because as he previously considered, maybe he was indeed aware of the reason, and just knew that he had no logical explanation to it.

[Deleted]

Jackson stared at Bellamy for another long moment. How could he not understand? How could he not see that the way he'd behaved yesterday had been too dangerous? Did he not know how much it would devastate Jackson if he'd died?

"I could have lost you yesterday," he said, not raising his voice, though there was a certain urgency that hadn't been there before. "Because you ran into danger by yourself." He drew a deep breath, starting to feel more agitated now that he was letting his feelings out. "You said forever. We both did. But forever isn't going to be very long, if you keep doing stupid shit like that." His voice was slowly starting to rise. Damn it, he didn't want to do this. "And then you come into medical and you almost don't even let me treat you. You try to go back to work the next day with four fucking stitches in your head, when there are more than enough guards to cover you right now." There were still tears in his eyes, but now he wasn't sure they weren't tears of anger.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

It was about what Bellamy feared it was. He felt the instant guilt when hearing Jackson say that he could have lost him. The tone in which he had said it, silencing Bellamy as he just listened. Forever. Yes, they had said that. And Bellamy had meant it. There was no one else he wanted to be with. No one that made him feel the way Jackson did. And he may have screwed that up, permanently. "She was in trouble," Bellamy began to explain. He knew he wouldn't have to clarify who 'she' was.

He couldnt explain what happened to him when it came to Clarke. There was no rational explanation for it and he had struggled with the same thing with Gena. "Because of me. Because of what I did. And I couldnt let anything happen to her." It wasnt that he didnt trust Kane -- though there was lost trust between the both of them. But Bellamy could just not remain idly by. "You can save people within these walls. You can do something to help them. I . . . can't." His usefulness, his attempt at redemption came with the more physical threats. Bellamy knew he was replaceable, disposable. Jackson had stated that there were enough guards and it was true.

Perhaps Bellamy was struggling to understand and accept that perhaps to Jackson . . . he wasnt so disposable. "I need to be doing something. I cant just . . . " Bellamy shook his head slightly. He knew that it wasnt logical nor easily explained. That Jackson had valid points with all he said. "I want forever with you." That much was certain however there was a but in his voice. He wanted to say that he didnt deserve it . . . but thought back to their earlier conversations regarding what they deserved and what the other believed they deserved. "But I can't let other people pay for my actions." For his mistakes. And ultimately . . . an admittance that he didnt regret his actions, even if he felt guilty with how they made Jackson feel.

[Deleted]

Jackson listened as Bellamy replied. She was in trouble. When was Clarke not in trouble these days? Jackson understood Bellamy's desire to want to save people, to protect people--Jackson had the same desire--but Bellamy needed to be clear headed when he did so, and he obviously hadn't be the day before. When Bellamy told him he wanted forever, and Jackson could hear the 'but' coming, he closed his eyes and tilted his head down, bracing for the worst as the previously unshed tears rolled down his face. But what Bellamy said wasn't as bad as he'd expected.

"That's fine, Bellamy," Jackson said. He drew a deep breath, trying to control his emotions again. "I know I can't keep you in camp, safe from danger. I know that's not who you are. I knew when we started this, I could lose you tomorrow," he said. He finally looked back up at Bellamy, opening his eyes. "But not like that. Not because you didn't think long enough to get other people to help you. Not because you were reckless. Not because you went running after someone who--" Jackson cut himself off. He wasn't convinced Clarke cared about Bellamy as much as he did her. He didn't quite understand their relationship. And Jackson still cared for Clarke quite a lot. He'd practically seen her grow up. But Clarke on Earth was a changed woman, and one Jackson was hesitant to fully trust. He knew if it was his life or the 'greater good', Clarke wouldn't hesitate to let him die, in spite of their history. He didn't think she would hesitate to let Bellamy die either. She'd been willing to let Abby die, after all.

"I can't lose you like that, Bell," he said, his voice breaking. "I love you too much." His chest ached as he said the words, desperately hoping they wouldn't be rejected.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy felt the guilt swarm his heart as he saw his partner cry. He never wanted to be the reason Jackson cried and the sight of it made his heart ache. He listened to him accept that he could lose him; hell, they could lose each other. It had been part of what made them hesitant to ever try to be together . . . the fear of losing the other. And Bellamy knew he wasn't helping alleviate that fear with the way he'd acted. He told him what was true; he'd been reckless, and it was his unfinished words that caused another ache in his heart. Jackson didn't need to finish that statement to know where he was going with it. Bellamy knew he cared about Clarke more than she did him. Everyone saw that. Actions proved that.

Which was also why he didn't trust himself in her presence. It was why he didn't know what happened to him around her. He should have let go of her a long time ago, but he couldn't. And the fact that he may still do whatever she needed him to . . . terrified him. He couldn't define or explain his relationship with her; only that it was imbalanced. And he never wanted Jackson to feel that, or wanted to burden his partner with it. Bellamy was readying himself to respond, not even sure what to say to defend his actions . . . but then Jackson said something that ceased all thought and temporarily drowned out everything else he had said.

"I love you too much."

There were no words to describe the emotions he felt flood over his entire body. To know, that he could be loved. That Jackson did love him. That despite all that Bellamy had done, his partner continud to open himself up. Continued to embrace them. And . . . loved him. Love. Bellamy wasn't sure he knew what that had felt like for the longest time. He loved his sister. He loved Clarke. But this, was different. This was a love that saved him, and would continue to save him. A love that Bellamy believed would never be betrayed. A love that . . . was entirely mutual. Bellamy realized that he was just staring at Jackson, wordless, offering no response in return. Trying to process the magnitude of what he just revealed to him. The beating of his heart slightly heavier in his chest.

He started to move toward him, not even thinking about it. But drawn to him, like a magnetic. Like a moth to a flame, his eyes locking on Jackson's face the entire time, keeping that eye contact. Once he stood directly in front of him, Bellamy raised his hand to Jackson's cheek, gently brushing away the stray tears with his thumb. "Hey," he began to say in a rarely soft tone that Bellamy did not often speak in. But such was reserved for moments like these. Moments, where he felt true honor, true happiness. Bellamy leaned forward, lightly kissing his lips and though it wasn't an overly heated kiss, it held emotion to it. He didn't care that they were arguing, maybe they weren't even done. But right now . . . he just wanted to bask in this moment. Where Jackson had given him what he always longed for.

Easing out of the kiss, Bellamy rested his forehead aganist Jackson's, his eyes still closed, breathing in his scent and this moment. Memorizing it, not about to take the revelation so lightly. He slowly opened his eyes, looking at his partner through heavy lids, his hand still resting on his cheek. He didn't know what else to say. Such an admittance could be a red light. A warning. A realization that they were getting too close and Bellamy could just hurt him in the end, fail him, as he had all the other people he loved. But none of that entered his mind, not right now. He could only think of how much he wanted this, how much he wanted him. And so, could only say one thing in return, something spoken from the depth of his heart, utterly sincere, all consuming of his heart, body, mind and soul. "I love you too."

[Deleted]

Jackson watched Bellamy as he just stared at him, unresponsive to Jackson's words of love, his chest aching even worse with every passing moment. He wasn't sure what was a more terrifying thought: that Bellamy might not love him back, or that Bellamy could decided that this was too much, too fast, and maybe walk away.

When Bellamy walked toward him, reaching out to brush the tears from his face, speaking so softly, and third possibility that was even worse came into his head. That Bellamy might not love him back, and might start treating him differently now. With kid gloves. Like someone who was too tender.

The kiss felt nice, though, even as Jackson's heart steadily sank. When Bellamy finally pulled back, Jackson wasn't sure what to expect. When Bellamy returned his words--I love you too--Jackson involuntarily sucked in a sharp breath as relief flooded him, followed by a wash of gratitude that someone like Bellamy would love him back. That they had each other now. Fully. No holding back.

Jackson's arms went around Bellamy's waist immediately, pulling Bellamy against him as he kissed him again. This time, he could fully enjoy the kiss, basking in the wonder that they had found this--this love--together. "Oh, God," he said when he pulled back, relief clear in his voice. "Oh, God. I love you," he repeated. Because he could. Unable to help himself, the thrill of saying those words and knowing the feeling was mutual, Jackson kissed Bellamy again.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The kiss that followed Bellamy's words, was perfect. The realization that they both loved each other adding a certain emotion to the embrace that they had never felt before. Confirmation, that they mutually loved each other. While Bellamy felt loved by Jackson, hearing it added another depth; a strong sentiment. And he could hear those words over and over again. For each time Jackson said them, Bellamy felt another wave of joy rush over him. He pressed his lips against Jackson's once more, his hand caressing his cheek as Bellamy felt a tear of his own slip from his eyes and slowly roll down his cheek.

Tears of happiness. That someone Bellamy loved, loved him in return. That someone cared about him, and he didn't have to fear it. That he could embrace it . . . and be happy. Did he deserve it? Absolutely not. But was he going to deny himself it? No. He couldn't. Easing out of the kiss, Bellamy kept his mouth closed to Jackson, just savoring the moment, the rest of the world seemingly fading from existence. "I'm sorry," he breathed. An apology for before. For the recklessness. For upsetting Jackson. He wasn't above apologizing but nor was it something he frequently did.

"I'll be more careful." Another promise that he seldom made. He never felt the need to assure others that he would be careful . . . especially recently when he felt that no one gave a damn about whether he was careful or not. So long as he did what they wanted. So long as he did what Clarke, and Octavia, and Kane, and the others wanted him to do. But with Jackson, he wanted to promise that. He wanted him to know that he had a reason to live, a reason to fight. "I love you," he breathed against, kissing him once more, breathing a sigh of joy into the kiss as his free hand skimmed to the back of Jackson's head, weaving his fingers into his dark locks.

[Deleted]

When the kiss broke, there was moisture running down Bellamy's face. Tears. Happy tears, Jackson had to assume. He brushed the wetness away with his thumb before kissing Bellamy's cheek where the tears were. He gave Bellamy a small smile, one full of almost amazement at what they were sharing. And then Bellamy apologized, and promised to try to be more careful, and Jackson felt another wash of relief. He didn't take those words lightly. He didn't think Bellamy would offer them lightly. "Thank you," he breathed.

When Bellamy said he loved him again, Jackson felt almost giddy, laughing softly into the kiss. They were grown men, and suddenly they couldn't stop saying they loved each other. And it felt too good to be true, but Jackson intended to fully embrace every moment of it. When the kiss broke, Jackson's smile was a little wider. "I could say that all night," he said, starting to guide them back toward the bed. His shower could wait. He wanted to get Bellamy comfortable. Resting. He kissed Bellamy more briefly as they moved. "Did you rest last night?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake