Choices that Haunt

[Nina Eaton]

Her wrists were red and irritated, compliments of the chains that had circled both of her wrists. The Mount Weather guards had taken all of them by surprise and the next thing they knew, they were inside of Mount Weather, chained to the wall. Nina hadn't been the only one taken. She had seen Kane and Abby as well, along with Raven and Wick. There had been others too but too much had been going on for her to really pay attention. She could still hear the screams of those who had been drilled for bone marrow. Nina had never experienced such a thing, but it looked incredibly painful and now she knew that it truly was. She was lucky that she had been left alone during her brief stay at Mount Weather. She hadn't been drilled, just pushed around a bit by some of the guards. It had been difficult for her not to fight back, but she knew that fighting would only put her in a worse position. Nina was smart enough to know how these sorts of things worked. But Nina didn't know if they would be able to escape. There had been guards everywhere and they all had guns. Nina had been disarmed at some point after she had passed out from some sort of gas the guards had used.

But then the guards had begun to drop to the ground, sans Cage Wallace who had looked utterly shocked. The deteriorating flesh on the guards told Nina that radiation was leaking into the mountain. She knew the people couldn't survive it and she wondered how it had all happened. Of course, she knew it probably had something to do with Bellamy since he was their inside man. But she could never truly be sure. But still, it didn't take long for others to arrive, helping everyone get out of their chains. There had been reunions between parents and children, friends and even significant others. Nina had been one that she no one to reunite with, seeing as her father was back at Camp Jaha. Even if he had been here, she was certain there would have been no reunion embrace.

Things had not gotten better between the daughter and father after the Ark had landed on Earth. Nina hadn't really been expecting them to, but it would have been a nice change of pace. He was as bossy as ever, taking whatever control he could get and using it to his advantage. Her father was a power hungry jackass and she knew it was only a matter of time until he got someone else killed. Nina ultimately blamed her father for her mother being floated. He had done nothing to save his wife, he hadn't even asked them to spare her. He had stood by like the good little soldier that he was, watching his wife get sucked into oblivion. Her father had been floated for the crime of stealing rations from the kitchen. She claimed it was for the kids that she taught at school, saying that they didn't get enough to eat. But Nina knew the truth. The truth was, it was all her fault. She had been the one to steal the food and her mother had taken the blame for it. Nina had stolen the food for Bellamy, not that he had asked her to, but she had done it a few times before and had gotten away with it. This time had been no different than the others except for the guards coming to check their apartment. They said it was routine, but Nina couldn't remember the last time their apartment had been checked. 

She remembered what it felt like, to feel her stomach drop to her feet when a guard pulled the food out of a hiding spot. She felt nauseous knowing that she was going to be floated. Of course, the guards always tried to take others down and she knew they would ask her who she stole the food for. But Nina would never give Bellamy up. It wasn't his fault. He hadn't asked her to steal. In fact, she was fairly certain he had asked her not to. But Nina was stubborn and just wanted to help her friend. But her actions had gotten her mother killed and she carried that guilt with her wherever she went. 

Nina walked out of Mount Weather along with those that she had been captured with and the rest of the delinquents that had been held captive by Mount Weather. Everyone was safe, at least for the time being. Nina heard someone mention that the Grounders had screwed them over, betraying their alliance at the last minute. Nina knew that if she had the energy, she would be furious. But she was exhausted and she just wanted to rest. She wanted to sleep for two days and not be bothered. Then she would be ready to do what it took to secure the camp and make sure her people were safe. As a member of the guard, that was her job and just because they were on Earth didn't mean she would abandon her post.

Spotting a semi-familiar blonde, Nina jogged to catch up with Clarke. She heard that her and Bellamy had been the ones to pull the lever, allowing any and all radiation to seep into the mountain. Children and women, innocent people, they had all been killed. She could only imagine how Clarke was feeling and she felt the need to talk to her. Nina rubbed her wrists, falling into step with Clarke. "You did the right thing," Nina said. Not that her opinion was worth much, but she knew that reassurance could play a large role in how someone viewed a situation. "If there had been a way to save everyone, I know you would have taken it." Nina didn't really know Clarke but she seemed like the type of person to want everyone to be okay. It was just an assumption, but it was a safe one and that's why Nina felt okay with saying it aloud.

She was actually still a little mad at Clarke for allowing the bomb to drop on Tondc. She knew people were trying to be quiet, but Nina was a great eavesdropper. So many people had died in that village, and Nina had almost been one of them. She had been in that village along with everyone else, but had gone off into the woods to go pee. Such a mundane thing had saved her life, and she had never been more thankful for a small bladder. But death had been successful in that village. She wasn't sure how many they had lost, but she knew someone had an estimate. 

Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

Stopping was no option. Not by a long shot. As she stopped for the first time, to drink, her mind drifted. Thoughts went to the images of the past days, a destroyed village, a horses mane on fire, the flesh burnt from people in a village that before held a summit meant to bring down an enemy and leave some survivors, survivors who would have to pay reparations she bet, but at least they would have been alive. They weren't now. On the contrary. They were gone, gone for good. No more mountain men. No more draining people for their blood. No more survival of the fittest for them. They had exploited their weakness to save their own.

Stopping meant thinking. And thinking was dangerous for her right now. Thinking meant Clarke thought of the meaning of all of this, of the ethics, of right and wrong and manipulation as well. Because she had not done all of it by her own motivation. She had been influenced, influenced to go against her own instincts.

A warm arm had been wrapped around her for a moment, a friend holding her, not knowing that she felt like she might fall apart the moment she let go of the tension in herself. And she would fall apart. She wasnt even the victim, so she had no right to fall apart. She was the aggressor. She was the murderer. She did this. She could say they did this, together, but just because he was with her, it didn't lift the guilt of her shoulder, it only placed guilt on his. That wasn't fair, was it? But it happened.

Clarke expected, and partially wanted, to walk alone. Her mother was carried, most walked in silence. Everyone had witnessed the horrors after all, some had also witnessed the horrors of TonDC. They had come down from space to live, while space was killing them. Now earth was killing them. Where were they supposed to turn to now? Where were they supposed to go to? They were going home, but what was home.

Clarke almost stopped the moment someone came up to her. She felt a rush, but not a good one. It was a rush of something mixed of fear and pain. Because nobody could agree to what she had done, surely. She was sure she couldn't even look at herself in the mirror. She listened to Ninas words, but she had to disagree. It was a moment of someone trying to encourage someone. It was an attempt to help her not to fall apart, she knew that. But Clarke knew the truth. She had tried. And she had no choice anymore. But that did not make things remotely easier.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Saying that, war part punishment for herself. The truth hurt. But it was the truth. She could try to cover her involvment, but she refused to. She couldn't. Yet she didn't want to think about it or stop. "I let a bomb drop on a village. I could have evacuated them and I didn't." She stopped to look at her. "I let a bomb drop on TonDC. I trusted the grounders and they betrayed us. I killed those people. I wouldn't be so sure that I would have done anything differently. I... I shot Linclon."



Nina Eaton

[Nina Eaton]

Nina pursed her lips as Clarke mentioned the bomb that she had let drop on the village. She knew because she had been there. She would have been a victim had it not been for her bladder. But Nina didn't like to think about that. It only made her feel bad and she didn't want to feel bad. Hell, she already felt bad and she didn't need any help with it. Nina wasn't forgiving Clarke for the bomb, but rather what she had done in that mountain. Nina knew she would always hold a little resentment against the blonde for letting that bomb drop and not doing anything to save anyone but herself and Lexa. Protecting Bellamy was an excuse, but Nina wondered if she had thought about how letting Octavia die would have destroyed Bellamy. In a way, that would have killed him as well. Even the mention of the Grounders made Nina shake her head. She had never been a fan of the alliance but had kept her thoughts to herself. She saw no good coming out of an alliance that called for the death of one of their own. She had been right in the end but would never say 'I told you so' to someone like Clarke, especially not now.

"If you didn't let that radiation in everyone would have died. Myself included," she said. Nina had been chained up like the rest of them, waiting to be drilled until there was nothing left. "You tried to reason with Cage. I know you did. Look, Clarke, I know we aren't exactly the best of friends but I know you wouldn't just kill all those people without trying. That has to count for something." There were people in the world that would have just pulled the lever, showing no remorse for their actions. There was no way Clarke would just forget about what she had done because Nina knew that the girl had a heart and a conscious. It had not been an easy decision, but decisions usually weren't easy.

She hadn't heard about Clarke shooting Lincoln, so there wasn't much to say when it came to that. "Well why did you shoot him?" She asked. Nina figured it was best to hear the story from Clarke rather than rumors. As far as she knew, Clarke didn't have an issue with Lincoln and Nina knew that Lincoln was far more loyal to them than the Grounders. She knew it was only because of Octavia but she also got the sense that Lincoln did those things because he felt it was wrong. Nina had very little interaction with the Grounder but some people just gave off a vibe that made you realize they were a good person.




Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

Best of friends, at the moment, Clarke doubted she would even recognize a friend. She felt too detached, too heartbroken even though she had done all of that. But she had been through a lot and she was relatively sure she couldn't even make a friend if she tried. At the moment, reaching out beyond herself, was not easy to her. Reaching out for people she didn't completely trust yet - due to not knowing them yet - seemed impossible. She had just been betrayed, had done some betraying herself. Her mind wouldn't wrap around the idea of people not betraying each other anymore. That was, currently her status quo, as hard as it was to have one that was this painful and hard to endure. Something snapped in her and she couldn't deny that if people asked. Then again would anybody really be surprised?

"The scout... the scout from Mount Weather had him." And he threatened Lincoln, but for the love of everyone she cared about, at that point she couldn't remember if he had a weapon or not. It was after she killed so many people. It was before this. It felt like a lifetime away. And that lifetime made her memories wonky. Her memories were extremely wonky at the moment. All she knew was, that with Lincoln she meant well. She always meant well, just the way she chose was not necessarily good. "I shot him to shoot the scout." There was no way around him.

"We would have had a choice, if we had the numbers. Why did I trust the grounders? After everything?" They killed their friends. They killed the man Clarke felt for. They started it. They had started the war, the delinquents fell into it, Camp Jaha inherited it.



Nina Eaton

[Nina Eaton]

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego Nina listened to her story and waited for something bad to happen, something for her to understand why Clarke felt so guilty, but nothing was coming up. It made sense that Clarke shot the guard from Mount Weather in order to save Lincoln. Nina was fairly certain that anyone would have done that had they been in her shoes. Hell, Nina knew she certainly would have. Granted, she was thankful that Clarke had been good enough to shoot the guard without killing Lincoln, but she kept those thoughts to herself. Nina felt as if Clarke needed no help in feeling guilty about this whole ordeal. But overall, she didn't see why she should feel guilty about it. "You did it to save Lincoln," Nina pointed out. "You did good. You did what everyone else would have done. There's no way Lincoln blames you at all. I bet as far as he's concerned, you saved him." Nina felt like she was preaching to a brick wall, but she had to at least try to make Clarke understand that she had done a good thing. At first she believed that Clarke's question was a rhetorical one. It probably was but after a moment of silence Nina decided to answer her question. "Making the alliance with the Grounders was the best choice at the time," Nina started. "But I think we counted on them too much. We put too much faith in them." Nina sighed and remembered the feelings she felt when it was first announced that the Grounder army had abandoned them. "People's loyalty means nothing, because the second you're not useful to them, you're out." It was unbelievably cynical of Nina to say but it was the truth. Once Lexa had no use of Clarke's people, she fled the scene with her people in tow. Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

She was right. The alliance had made sense at the time. It provided a ceasefire and then a common goal for their people. But maybe Clarke had put too much faith into it, into her. She should have seen it. Clarkes first instinct was to save everyone in tondc no matter what. Lexas argumentation had swayed that instinct and now she regretted it. Since when did Clarke let people sway her ideas of justice and morality? It was a new thing here. All of that was new for her on the ground. Clarke ceased to pay attention to where she was walking anymore. She just walked in the general direction of somewhere, trusting Nina to make her notice if she lost the way. She herself didn't care. In many ways she already lost her way. She had lost he way back in Tondc and further in the mountain. Now Clarkes head swam with the weight of what she had done. 

"I should have been more careful, though." She needed to see through it. Part of her needed to try and analyze what she could have done better. There was so much. What would have happened if she had evacuated Tondc? Would her friends be dead now? Would more people be alive now? Would more be dead? Her loyalty had to be with her friends, her own people, like Cages were with the people from mount weather. She could not blame anyone for choosing their peoples sides. She had to live with what she had done. The worst was, people like Nina, people she barely knew and whom she couldn't call friend due to that, she could see them blame her. "Why are you being so nice to me, Nina?"

Nina Eaton

[Nina Eaton]

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego Pursing her lips at Clarke's question, Nina had to think for a moment. The two of them weren't friends by any means and yet Nina had decided to approach the girl to try to comfort her. Nina wasn't a horrible person but she wasn't necessarily a kind-hearted person either. She kept to herself and stayed loyal to those she loved the most. She had never been one eager to make new friends and thus her friendly demeanor had been banished. But something about Clarke drew Nina in. It was a strange feeling, given that she blamed her for the deaths at Tondc. But she also sympathized with the girl over what she had done at Mount Weather. Nina believed she made the right choice and knew it was one she would have made. So she felt the urgent need to assure Clarke that she had done the right thing; that she had made the right choice. "I'm not sure," Nina said with a soft chuckle. Glancing up in an attempt to see how close they were to home, Nina realized that no one was really in front of them. Glancing behind her, she noted the same thing. "Uhm. Clarke?" Nina asked, her eyes continuing to search the area for any signs of human life. "I think we lost the group," she noted. Shit. This was not good. Nina wasn't great at finding her way back to camp, especially from their current location. This was a time where she needed Clarke to forget about all of the choices that were currently haunting her. She needed the Clarke that she had seen before so that the two of them could find their way home, alive. Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

She wasn't sure. Well Clarke wasn't either. This was something that didn't make sense to her at all. How could this make sense when she herself didn't even make sense? She never saw Nina as a friend n particular. They never bonded really. This was the closest they had gotten to it actually. But given the track record, Clarke didn't expect it to last. Not for long. Because why would it? They had time to bond before and never did. What would change? She didn't think much could. 

Clarke only really reacted as Nina pointed out they lost the group. She wasn't surprised she did that. She couldn't pay attention to anything right now, but the feeling of being broken of breaking in half like a paper pulled in different directions. She broke at her weakest point and that, was sadly right now her attention span, following everything else. It even felt as if she could never even eat again. The entire thought of food made her nauseous. But Nina had to go back to the others. She was good at what she did. She was needed and wanted. Clarke couldn't imagine what that felt like, not right now. Not ever again. 
"There's ways to navigate back. Landmarks. Stars." Just because they were lost now, didn't mean they went far from the path the group had taken. They could find it again. And then Nina could go home and Clarke - Clarke didn't even know what to do then. All she knew was that at this point, going back with her was no option - and surely she wasn't the only one who thought that. 



Nina Eaton

[Nina Eaton]

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego The lack of surprise on Clarke's face as Nina announced they were lost was a tad confusing. She didn't even look concerned in her opinion, and that made her start to wonder. The wheels began to turn in her head as she put the pieces of the puzzle together. Clarke blamed herself and didn't think she deserved anything good. What better way than to quite literally, isolate herself? The idea of Clarke not returning to camp was disheartening. They needed Clarke. Nina had heard from some of the original 100 how Clarke had been as a leader. She had made good choices for them, always keeping their best interest in mind. One bad decision couldn't destroy her for the rest of her life. Nina knew it was healthy to grieve over certain choices but that could be done back at camp. The kids needed the blonde, especially after Mount Weather. Quirking an eyebrow at the girl, Nina stopped walking and folded her arms across her chest. "You don't plan on coming back, do you?" Nina asked. If that were the case then Nina was going to have to knock some serious sense into the girl. Nina was a soldier, not a leader. So as a soldier she knew the importance of having a good leader. Kane hadn't been one of her favorites on the Ark but he had done a good job with the important things. Clarke was the leader down here. Sure, Bellamy was a good leader as well but what made him great was having Clarke by his side. Clarke and Bellamy seemed to balance one another out and Nina couldn't let that crumble. The camp needed something stable.  Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

She looked at Nina for a moment, thinking exactly on what she wanted to tell her. The thing was: Clarke didn't know the answer. Part of her longed for her mothers embrace, to be hidden out in her room, to read and draw and just have a moment of who she was before all of this went down. But nothing could bring back her friend Wells or her dad. Nothing could undo that damage. Nothing could undo the damage of Mount Weather or the damage of TonDC. There was no way she could undo it. And that was why part of her didn't want to go back. She didn't want to hang in the balance of having to fear looking into her friends eyes and see hatred and disgust at what she had done. Both was part of her. Which was why she was, in part grateful that they got lost. It let her think - away from people. And Nina, by not being a friend, might actually be helpful in it. 

"I don't know." She admitted finally. "I don't know where it goes from here, where I go from here. I haven't made a decision yet. But it is an option. I betrayed my own moral compass when I let the bomb drop on TonDC. How can I face my family and friends knowing what I've done?" How could she face herself? That was much harder. She had no idea what to do. "We need to move out from the woods. Maybe the sky will give us soome clues." Maybe on the way Clarke would recognize the area again. 

Nina Eaton

[Nina Eaton]

Nina could detect the uncertainty in her voice and she pursed her lips, keeping them shut while she listened to Clarke speak. Not knowing what to do was apart of life and it was something that Nina often struggled with herself. Just because she appeared to have things together most of the time didn't mean that she did. Nina was good at hiding her emotions, something she learned to do around her father. She knew it was unhealthy but it was something that she had adapted to over the years. But this moment wasn't about Nina and her inability to deal with certain life events. Sighing, she dragged her foot in the dirt, moving it back and forth. "There's nothing you can do about that now," she began. "All you can do is learn from it. I know you would want to go back and choose differently but you can't. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can learn from it." Nina wasn't sure she believed her own words, but she just needed Clarke to. But she also knew that Clarke couldn't continue to hang onto the whole TonDC bombing thing. It would drive her insane and she would go crazy from all the guilt.

Nodding her head, she agreed with her suggestion to move out of the woods so they could see the sky. Hopefully Clarke could get a better read on their location once they did that. Nina began to move out of the woods, heading in the direction of a possible clearing where they could properly see the sky. "We can't all just run away from our problems, Clarke," Nina pointed out. "Those kids are going to need you." She knew they looked up to Clarke the most. It didn't matter that the other Arkers were down here now. It was those kids that would need the most guidance and Clarke was their best bet.


Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

"I don't... regret that decision." Clarke admitted. And she hoped she would never. Because she had no choice. To save those she loved, she had to do it. She would do it again. Because it was the right thing to do. It was TonDC and the choice to trust the grounders. It was ho she could not stop all of this from happening in the first place. But another question was on her mind immediately, it was related to hers directly. If she was meant to be there for the others, who would be there for her? Who would hold her when she broke down if she was meant to be the one strong for others. But it struck a nerve. She was meant to stay. 

"And if they need me? Who is there for me?" The question was answered simply: Nobody. She doubted it, because everyone would get to lick their own wounds. Everyone but her. Well it seemed like she had to deal with that, too. Her mother was good at demands. And she was great at really making her feel the guilt already back then. And it was not something she could go to Bellamy with. Her reasoning would hurt him more than help her. So he was out, too. "I have to go on for them... but who is there for me, Nina? Look around us. We are probably the two most unlikely people to be here together. But here we are."



Nina Eaton

[Nina Eaton]

"I will," Nina answered without even thinking. She took a moment to process her words and realize what she had said to Clarke. In that moment she realized it didn't really matter how the two of them weren't even really friends. It was this moment that would solidify their friendship for the future. Nina knew that Clarke had a point and she wasn't going to let her talk her way out of returning because of a small detail like that. Nina could easily be there for Clarke. She could allow the blonde to cry on her shoulder or be the one to snuggle up with her in bed if that's what she needed. While Nina didn't have many friends, she knew that she was a damn good friend to have. For a moment she considered all of the other people in Clarke's life that she should be able to rely on. There was her mother, being the obvious choice, but obviously something had happened for Clarke want to not go to her mother. She knew Bellamy had a lot on his plate as well and Nina had a feeling that Clarke was not someone to burden someone else with her problems.

She couldn't help but to chuckle at Clarke's words. How true they were. They were complete opposites and they were lost with one another. The two had never really spoken more than a few words to one another and here Nina was, offering to be that person for Clarke; that person to let her lean on. "And maybe it's that reason that makes this such a perfect idea," she mused. "I want you to feel like you have someone on your side, because that's what I'll be. I can carry any weight that you can't and I know we don't know one another, but we will. Because I'm going to be that person for you, Clarke. You just have to let me." She knew offering to be Clarke's rock and actually being her rock were two completely different things. She knew it would all depend on Clarke and whatever choice she decided to make.

Clarke Griffin

[Clarke Griffin]

Letting her, trusting her, that was the problem. But it was not her per say that was the problem. It was Mount Weather, once again, what happened before it, more specifically. Clarke stopped, looking at the dark haired girl, wondering for the first time about her family, her age, her education, frankly who she really was, because she had never even bothered to try and find out. It was not like she had time for it. Between surviving, surviving and fighting and fighting, she never even had the time to question it. Clarke sighed. She stopped to look at her. The offer in itself made her feel weirdly emotional. She didn’t expect it. The weight she carried was not something easily carried. Did she even know what she was offering? The full impact?

“I… We stood in front of the mountain, we had a deal. And yet she broke it. She left us after what happened in tondc. Trust is not easy after something like that.” Was it a form of explanation? In truth only the next days could show if it would work. Maybe the next hours. “I don’t know if you really want to handle this, Nina. There is so much blood on my hands. It’s like I’m bathed in blood. And there was another option. If only she hadn’t left, we might have kept many more people alive.” But she had left. And Nina had said something so clear, something that could not be taken for granted. It made Clarke smile. “Thank you. Truth be told I did not expect that from you.”

Nina Eaton