Under The Weather

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Wrong. He could be wrong about so much . . . but when it came to his self worth, or lack there of, Bellamy knew he wasn't wrong about that. He wanted to ask how Jackson could want him. Want to know about him. Want anything to do with him. But the question was silenced when he felt Jackson move him back, until his back was pressed against Jackson's chest. Bellamy closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he selfishly indulged. Selfishly allowed himself the comfort that he knew only Jackson could give him at this point. Bellamy was tired of fighting, in every sense of the word. The wall he had built was crumbling and he just kept his eyes closed, as he gave up any hope to be that stoic figure that he'd had to be ever since Octavia was born. He wasn't even certain how much silence had passed until he finally spoke, the warmth of Jackson's body, his face against his skin . . . it all felt too good.

Easing him to the truth. Until there was no holding back. His eyes still closed, but he lost all restraint. "Each mark on my face . . . is a reminder of Lincoln's death." Revealing, that it was Octavia who had hit him. Bellamy had never told anyone about that. No one apart from those who witnessed it -- and whomever they may have told -- knew. He himself had never uttered it to another soul . . . only Jackson. "I tried to help." His voice caught, suddenly feeling a drop slide down his cheek . . . and it was not the water from the storm. "I tried. But it was too late. They wouldn't let me. I lost them. All of them." He didn't say it to evoke pity. No. Bellamy knew he was broken, and telling Jackson something he had never told anyway, just made another tear fall, followed by yet another. He quietly sniffed before continuing, raising a hand over his eyes, keeping the darkness. "Kane called me the enemy. And I knew then . . . that I had lost them." He was dead to them. Dead to Octavia, who had for the longest time . . . been the center of his world.

"I knew Octavia couldn't forgive me for our mother's death. But Lincoln's . . . " He needed to get himself together, but he couldn't. "I'm dead to her now. And a part of me is gone." A big part of him. His sister was his heart, his soul. And she despised him. How could he live with that? How could he live with someone ripping his heart out and tossing it aside? Opening up about Octavia was not something he often did. Perhaps only ever with Clarke, and Gena -- even then it was limited. But now, here he was. Pouring it out again, knowing that nothing could get resolved, and knowing that it just continued to pain the picture of him as a monster. "All I do is hurt people." His mother. Gena. Octavia. Lincoln. Kane. And every other damn person that rightfully blamed him for each death.

[Deleted]

Jackson stayed silent for a long time, as Bellamy did, just hoping if he left his request for Bellamy to talk to him hanging in the air, maybe eventually Bellamy would. And eventually, he did. Jackson listened silently, slowly fitting the pieces together, but it wasn't until Bellamy mentioned Octavia specifically that it clicked. It had been Octavia that had beaten Bellamy bloody. And that idea made Jackson's stomach turn. He had no idea what it felt like to have a sibling, but he couldn't imagine beating up family over anything. He lifted a hand to cup Bellamy cheek, blindly brushing away tears with his thumb, and let Bellamy continue talking.

"That's not true," Jackson said, once Bellamy finished. "You haven't done anything but help me. And no matter what happened in the end, it didn't look like you were hurting Gena." He drew a deep breath and let it gust out against Bellamy's neck. "Kane will come around. It was a war, Bellamy, and everyone chose their side. And it was messy and a lot of people got hurt, but it's not all on you. I think most people in camp would agree, considering you were backing maybe the most popular Chancellor we've had in my lifetime." Of course, in Jackson's opinion, Pike was only popular because it was easier to motivate people out of fear than to ask them to have compassion and understanding, but that was beside the point. "If you tried to change course and they wouldn't let you, that's on them."

He tilted his head, drawing his nose up into Bellamy's curls, and placed a tiny kiss at the base of Bellamy's skull. "I hope, for your sake, Octavia comes around too. But you'll have to forgive me for saying she had no right to do this to you," he added, his thumb tracing one of the healing marks on Bellamy's face.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Amidst everything, each soft touch that Jackson offered provided unimaginable comfort. Bellamy knew he shouldn't be revealing all this, burdening him with all this . . . but the way the doctor responded, made him want to keep going. Because maybe, just maybe, they could reach another stage in their relationship. Maybe this would result in being intimate with him in a way he had never had before. He fell silent, listening to each word that Jackson offered. Unworthy of the comfort, but damn it, it was there. Gena. Gena was dead because of him, but . . . Bellamy liked to think that he didn't make her unhappy. That she had been happy, with him. Kane on the other hand, he didn't know. The words had hit him hard, undoing every past effort he had ever made to protect the others. One difference of opinion that had cost the life of another. Bellamy wasn't sure how to respond to Jackson's words.

He had never had anyone tell him that it wasn't all on him. He had never had anyone tell him that it was understandable . . . that this was also due to Pike's popularity. And he sure as hell hadn't had anyone tell him that it was on the others. It made his heart beat a little harder in his chest, as if uncertain how to handle these words, these reassuring words that were never heard from someone he was close to. His lips on his head, caused Bellamy to take in a slow breath, with an ever so slight tremble from the overpowering words and emotions. But it was his lastly spoken ones . . . that momentarily set all others aside. "She had no right to do this to you." Bellamy's eyes slowly opened, red from the tears, but alert from the words. Jackson's statement played over and over in his mind. Bellamy had believed he deserved it -- perhaps he still did -- and part of that was due to the fact that every person that had watched, clearly felt the same thing. That he did deserve it. That it was ok.

But for the first time in he wasn't even sure how long . . . Bellamy suddenly felt like he had a semblance of self worth. That perhaps, it wasn't ok. That maybe she didn't have a right. Such thoughts were dangerous, knowing that he would give anything to his sister, and be whatever he needed her to be. But right now, in this moment, he couldn't deny the sudden spark of something other than self loathing . . . other than a deeply rooted hatred he had for himself. A feeling that he wasn't worth anything. And it was overwhelming to experience. "You're the first person to stay that," he said in a low voice, hardly above a whisper, but due to their close proximity, he would be able to hear him. Bellamy closed his eyes again, aware that more tears were sliding down but he made no effort to stop them.

"Not a day goes by that I don't wish it had been me. Because then at least, she would smile. She would be happy." Him and Octavia had been at odds for a while. She could have had a better life with Lincoln, he knew that. "But you're the first person to tell me this. Any of this. I just . . . " He didn't even know how to process it. He turned his head a little, so that he could be aligned with Jackson without shifting their bodies. Though, he didn't open his eyes again. "Maybe I did deserve it." Every strike and so much more. "Maybe I don't deserve this." The feeling of value, of comfort . . . of some form of affection and reassurance.

"And maybe, you're just too damn good for me." Which he was. There weren't any maybes about any of this. Bellamy knew it was all true. But he phrased it in such a way regardless. "But . . . please just don't give up on me." It may have sounded pathetic on his part. But this was the first time that he suddenly felt human. That he felt like it was ok to hurt . . . and that it was not ok to accept the brutality of others. That his decisions were valid and justified, and understandable to those who saw them. "On us." Because he wanted there to be an us. He knew that now, more than ever. And with that, he closed the distance between them, as if further validating his words by kissing Jackson softly, but filled with emotion at the same time.

[Deleted]

Jackson's chest ached listening to Bellamy. How could no one have told him these things before? Maybe it was just because Bellamy hadn't let other people in. Jackson wouldn't have known they even needed to be said until now. He kept his hand on Bellamy's cheek, and turned his own head when Bellamy turned toward him, pressing his cheek to Bellamy's.

He huffed a small breath when Bellamy said he was too good for him. If Jackson was such a good man, why did he still struggle to sleep at night? But then Bellamy said 'us', and Jackson sucked in a breath as a thrill shot through him, followed by the feel of Bellamy's mouth against his. It was happening. Really happening. And it scared the shit out of Jackson, but he pulled Bellamy closer as they kissed, his hand still cupping Bellamy's jaw, his lips parting just barely. Bellamy's lips tasted like tears, and that felt like a victory just as much as it broke Jackson's heart a little more.

When the kiss broke, Jackson took a deep breath. "I won't. I won't give up on you. Or us. You do deserve this Bellamy. If you don't, neither do I."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy felt Jackson pull him closer, his slightly parted lips allowing them to deepen the embrace. It wasn't their first kiss, but it felt different than all the rest. More . . . solidifying. More intimate than ever before. And it made the sensation ever more incredible. Bellamy hadn't even fully realized that his entire body had turned to face Jackson, or that his hand now rested on the doctor's shoulder before gliding up his neck to the back of his head to press him closer. When they eased out of the kiss, Bellamy kept his eyes shut, folding his lips inward as if to savor the taste of him.

His forehead rested against Jackson's, one hand still on the back of his head. His words eased his aching heart and soul, as if it was allowing some sort of future for them. For the first time, in a long time, Bellamy felt hope. Not for survival, but to live. To feel something apart from pain. He disagreed that he deserved this, but he wasn't able to argue. Not any more. Jackson seemed to believe he had some worth . . . and Bellamy wanted to do all that he could to show him just how much that meant to him. Just how much he cared about him. "I don't think either of us will believe that we deserve it," he said, almost as a tease but it was lacking any sort of humor or joy to it.

"But . . . maybe its enough that you believe I deserve it, and that I believe you do." Because, they believed in each other. And maybe, that was exactly what they needed. Slowly opening his eyes, Bellamy looked at him through slightly heavy lids, glazed over with emotion and the gloss of tears. "I'm willing to give that a chance. Give us a chance . . . if you are." Because he didn't want to screw around anymore. He didn't want to keep dancing around the subject, or acting like he didn't want this. He did, and if Jackson wanted it too . . . then they didn't have to keep pretending anymore.

[Deleted]

Jackson felt breathless from the way Bellamy was touching him, from the words he spoke, from the way he'd moved so easily to face him as if drawn by a magnet. Maybe Bellamy was right. Maybe it mattered more that they believed in each other, even when they didn't believe in themselves. He didn't know if that was how most relationships worked, or started, but it felt inevitable here.

His eyes had glossed over with tears, but when Bellamy looked at him, Bellamy looked just as emotional as Jackson felt. "I am," he breathed. "I've never done this before, and I'm slightly terrified," he admitted, smiling faintly because that was probably ridiculous. "But I'm ready."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Jackson's certainty allowed Bellamy to draw strength from it. Confidence. Things he fetl like he had been severely lacking. He was vulnerable and he knew it, but this felt so much more than that. Since the first time they'd been together, he couldn't deny the connection they shared. And perhaps now, was the time for them. An opportunity for them that surely they should seize and cherish. Bellamy knew that he sure as hell wanted to. "Me too," he breathed, still maintaining a close distance to Jackson. "To both things," he added on. To being terrified, but ready. He would always love Gena, but he could no longer deprive himself of the man before him. Of what being with him could mean, for both of them.

"Maybe for once, it's a good kind of fear," he saidl, almost jokingly yet his words held a weighted truth. There was so much to be afraid of in this world . . . but this, a relationship, was one of the few good things they could take away from it. "This is finally our chance." Speaking aloud his earlier thoughts. "Let's not waste it on being afraid, or not thinking we deserve it anymore." He was tired of that. They would both still be afraid undoubtedly, and as Bellamy had thought before, maybe they themselves wouldn't be able to believe they deserved it ever. But . . . "This feels right," he said in another hushed tone before kissing Jackson once again, gently, tenderly, just wanting to absorb this seemingly altering moment for their relationship, from what it had been to what it would become.

[Deleted]

This is finally our chance.

Those words felt like they knocked the wind out of Jackson, in the best way possible, and the unshed tears in Jackson's eyes spilled over. It was like confirmation of everything he'd felt about their time together before. It felt like they had a connection. An intimacy. And in the moment, he was sure Bellamy felt it too, even if he'd never opened up before. But sometimes Jackson, when he hadn't spent time with Bellamy for a while, when they'd barely spoken for long periods of time, wondered if it had all been in his head.

But this was finally their chance. That had to mean Bellamy felt it before too. That he was acknowledging that there had always been a connection... it just hadn't been the right time on any other occasion.

He hummed into the kiss, almost a half-sob, savoring this moment... this moment when they finally set aside their own issues and decided that their connection was important, and that they shouldn't brush it aside anymore.

"It's always felt right," Jackson breathed when the kiss broke. "We just stopped fighting it." He kissed Bellamy again, sliding his fingers into Bellamy's hair, determined to enjoy this moment.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy felt the tears but this time, from Jackson as well. It only made him press even closer, and deepen the kiss. The floodgate of emotion was apparently not one sided. There was a safety he felt with Jackson, a reassurance that it was ok to cry. Ok to feel emotion. That he didn't have always to be stoic. There were very few that he felt that ease with, and perhaps Jackson was the only one left that he did. When the kiss broke, Bellamy slowly opened his eyes to look at Jackson as he spoke of how it had always felt right, but they were just done fighting it.

Maybe it was meant to be, and maybe there was a reason it was happening now. Not that Bellamy really believed in fate or anything. But . . . the timing of it. They were both hurting and they both needed each other to heal. Bellamy's free hand moved to Jackson's cheek, gently caressing it while brushing away the tears that had fallen. "It did," he agreed, in that it had always felt right. "But now, it actually feels possible." Compared to the other times when they had denied themselves.

When they distanced themselves from each other, realizing they were getting too close. Bellamy leaned forward, kissing Jackson's cheek, resting it there for a moment before tilting his head a little more so that they were cheek to cheek. "Thank you," he breathed against his ear. He was thanking him for a hell of a lot. For the comfort he'd always given him. For believing in him. For reassuring him. For giving them a chance. For being willing to be with him. And of course, for saving him. For saving what was left of his soul and reminding him, that he was still alive.

[Deleted]

Jackson nodded when Bellamy stated that now it felt possible, then closed his eyes when Bellamy kissed his cheek, pressing his cheek to Bellamy as Bellamy thanked him. Thank Alie, he almost said, but that wasn't right. "Thank my mother," he murmured, stroking his fingers through Bellamy's hair.

He drew a deep breath, then let it out. "I forgot her. Everything about her. I couldn't even give Abby her name." He leaned back a little, kissing Bellamy's lips briefly before pulling back to look at him. "When she came back to me," he said, "The painful memories, the ones I'd focused on so long, seemed trivial in comparison to all the good ones. I don't know if that chip permanently re-wired parts of my brain, or if what's happened over the last month has just shifted my perspective, but... she made me who I am not just because she died and made me want to be a doctor, but because of who she was when she was alive. And when I look back, I think I've stagnated over the last thirteen years because I didn't let anyone else, for the most part, affect me, or touch me." On an emotional level. "But I could die tomorrow. I don't want to be stagnant anymore."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to Jackson begin to explain what had happened when he was chipped, speaking of having forgotten his mother during that time -- enjoying the brief kiss in between. His eyes locked onto Jackson's, taking in each word . . . words that explained what had changed. How his mindset had altered from never being able to be with another, to wanting to be with someone now. He couldn't say he knew what it was like to be free of all the pain -- to forget people he loved -- as he'd not been chipped. But, the aftermath of it had been telling enough.

And he wished Jackson hadn't had to deal with that pain again but . . . him opening up to Bellamy meant a great deal, and so he listened. Soaking in each word, until he finished by stating that he didn't want to be stagnant anymore. "Mothers tend to want the best for us," he began to say. Although, his situation with his mother had been a little different. Their lives revolved around Octavia, more than anything else. "She would want you to be happy," he added on, a soft expression in his gaze.

"And I'm glad Jackson, that you're finally letting yourself be with someone. That you're not, stagnant anymore" With him. Jackson deserved it, even if the man disagreed. "If she made you who you are--" He paused for a moment, moving forward to kiss Jackson once more, unable to ever grow tired of the sensation especially considering their new found commitment to one another. Easing out of it, he continued his thought. 'Then she must have been one hell of an incredible person." Because Jackson most certainly was.

[Deleted]

Jackson's chest ached at Bellamy's words, but in a good way. That he could accept. Not compliment or forgiveness for himself--though he supposed it was, in a sense--but praise for his mother. She had been wonderful. Jackson wished he had focused on that for the last thirteen years instead of the pain. Then again, as much as Jackson didn't believe in fate, he wouldn't be in this cave right now if he had acted any other way.

He didn't know what to say to Bellamy's words, though, so he just kissed Bellamy again. First it was just slow, tender kisses as he slid his hand through Bellamy's hair, but after a couple of minutes, that didn't feel like enough. He wanted Bellamy. He'd wanted Bellamy for so long, and now Bellamy was his.

He let his kisses grow more needy, and when Bellamy returned them with the same intensity, Jackson shifted and pressed Bellamy back onto his back. His fingers were cold, but he slid them up under the bottom of Bellamy's shirt. "I think I like thunderstorms," he murmured. "I think we'd warm up faster out of these wet clothes, under the other blanket."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The kiss was a perfect response to his words. It always was. It didn't seem like an avoidance to talk, they had both passed that stage of avoidance. They had both opened up about things that they had not told anyone else. And that made this particular kiss more powerful than any other. One that held more emotion, more sentiment than ever before. Bellamy breathed into the embrace, soaking in the feel of his lips and the taste that he offered.

The kiss grew more fervent, and Bellamy responded in kind. He moved back as Jackson pressed forward until he back was against the cave floor. He didn't even feel an ounce of discomfort from it. Not with the beautiful man above him. Bellamy opened his eyes to look at Jackson as the kiss broke for a moemnt. "Is that your medical advice?" He asked teasingly, and for the first time in a long time, felt a smile touch his features as he looked up at Jackson.

Bellamy's hand went to the back of Jackson's head to pull him toward him so that he could kiss him again. The feeling of his partner's hands over his skin was an instant warmth, heating his entire body. Bellamy's own hand slid under Jackson's shirt, starting to pull it up so that he could take it off of him, while deepening the kiss, sucking his bottom lip between his for a moment.

[Deleted]

Jackson actually laughed faintly at Bellamy's question, the genuine smile on Bellamy's face almost made him pause. When was the last time he'd seen Bellamy smile? He'd seen Bellamy smile with Gena, but when was the last time Bellamy smiled at Jackson? Jackson couldn't remember. Maybe their first time on the Ark. Jackson smiled back, unable to stop himself at the rare happiness on Bellamy's face, and then Bellamy was pulling him in for another kiss.

Jackson hummed a pleased, wanting noise into the kiss, his body already begging for more. This was probably stupid. Maybe one of the stupidest things Jackson had done of the ground, other than taking that chip. The cave didn't have a door. Anyone could come in also seeking shelter. Grounder, even. But this moment felt like needed this consummation, and Jackson suddenly felt like getting Bellamy out of his clothes was an urgent matter.

He sat back, tossing his own shirt aside, and ignoring the shiver of the wind against his damp skin. "That's my professional opinion, yeah," he said. "But you know better how to survive out here. Sound like a good plan to you?" he said, smiling at Bellamy as he tugged at his shirt.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

It was incredible, how quickly the mood could shift. One moment they had been shedding tears and pouring out their hearts . . . and now, they were able to engage in teasing, smile, express a more physical as well as emotional need for one another. And the transition didn't feel strained or forced. Natural. That was perhaps the best way to describe it. Seeing Jackson smile, just added to the sensational moment. Bellamy's eyes lingered over Jackson, now divested of his shirt, his words causing a faint smirk to play on Bellamy's features.

"Damn right it does," he said with the utmost agreement. Bellamy slightly raised the upper half of his body to help pull his shirt off, as it too was tossed to the side -- fortunately avoiding the fire. "Between your medical expertise and my experience on the ground . . . we know what we're talking about," he said with the same teasing tone, playing into the whole mood of jest. Though, not entirely without truth. Bellamy didn't quite lie back down but instead, his lips found Jackson's neck, kissing along the side of it before moving to his shoulder and collarbone. Bellamy's hands wandered over Jackson's back, one hand running through his moist hair for a moment before trailing back down, wanting to touch every part of him; explore every part of him.

.