Under The Weather

[Deleted]

Jackson stared at Bellamy as Bellamy spoke, slightly stunned at the outburst. He'd wanted Bellamy to open up, and here it was, and all Jackson could do was stare, his mouth hanging open slightly as he stood frozen, watching Bellamy cover the rover and walk away. It took him a moment to unstick his feet from the ground to follow. Bellamy was avoiding him for the same reason Jackson had avoided him, like Bellamy said. He wanted to be closer, but he was scared.

He caught up with Bellamy after a few moments, and fell into pace with him, just behind his shoulder. "I'm not planning on dying anytime soon," he said calmly. "And I think we're pretty even so far when it comes to walking away from each other." He couldn't guarantee what would happen between them if they more fully explored this thing between them. He could die. Or leave. Or Bellamy could die or leave too. It was terrifying, but... having forgotten his mother, and all the pain her death had caused hadn't been the right choice. And when memories came flooding back, the good ones seemed more important than any of the bad ones ever should have been. It made him realize everything he'd been avoiding might actually enrich his life more than he could imagine before, even if it didn't last a lifetime and hurt in the end. "And for the record, I've never hated you or thought you were an asshole."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy heard more than saw Jackson near him. He shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have opened this can of worms that he had worked on keeping sealed. Though Jackson claimed that he had no plans on dying soon . . . nothing down here was certain. Losing someone wasn't the exact reason that Bellamy was hesitant to be with anyone. It was the fact that he was more often than not, the reason that they died. He couldn't bear any more guilt on his conscience. He wouldn't survive being responsible for someone else's death that he was close to. His mother. Gena. Lincoln. And countless others. If Jackson got too close to him . . . the man would fall under this curse that seemed to be unwavering. And that, scared him more than anything else.

When he stated that he never found him to be an asshole or hated him, Bellamy still couldn't look at Jackson. "That's because you don't know me well enough." Thus, revealing the other reason he hadn't opened up to Jackson. Because of his fear of the man seeing him for what he really was. For knowing everything he had done. He knew that he should tell him; that he should want Jackson to hate him -- for the doctor's sake -- but even now, despite his earlier words, it was hard to push him away.

"If you did, I doubt you'd be saying that." His own sister despised him. A man who was the closest thing to a father he had considered him an enemy. And . . . Jackson was one of the few people that he still had a relationship with. He wanted to hold on to that, and yet knew, he didn't deserve to. "Look, you don't need this, alright." Jackson was going through his own difficulties and the last thing he needed was an over emotional person dumping their baggage on him. "Just forget I said anything," he added on bluntly, his steps moving a tad bit quicker.

[Deleted]

Jackson listened to Bellamy, pressing his lips together, annoyed and... almost angry that Bellamy was trying to slam shut this door that had just opened between them. "I don't know you well enough because this might be the first time you've said anything to me that wasn't superficial, in spite of me doing to opposite for you. And I'm pretty capable of deciding what I need on my own," he said, his tone crisp.

Then something fell on his cheek and Jackson sucked in a sharp breath, stopping to brush it away. Water. Rain. Jackson still wasn't used to it. He looked up at the clouds for a moment, before continuing to walk. Hopefully it wouldn't rain hard. If they kept moving, they could keep warm if it only drizzled.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy still wasn't looking at Jackson, but the doctor's tone was clear. It made Bellamy clench his jaw at his words, knowing he should stay silent. That he should just ignore him. That he shouldn't keep going down this path. But it was as if the dam had been opened . . . and it wasn't so easily shut. "Superficial," he said, nearly scoffing, repeating the word that Jackson had used. "Well then what the hell do you want to know?" He practically demanded. While his tone wasn't raised to a yell, there was a seriousness in it, a blunt sternness.

"What could you possibly want to know?" He was breaking and he knew it. "You think me opening up is a good thing? You think that you actually want to know me?" No one should want that. Hell, Bellamy didn't even know if he wanted that . . . and yet, he wanted that closeness with someone. No, not just someone. With Jackson. It wasn't that any random person could fill that void. If had never been about a random person that Bellamy looked to for companionship. Suddenly, the distraction of a wet drop that fell onto his hand. He looked up at the sky, seeing the darkening clouds and cursed under his breath.

[Deleted]

"Yes, I do," Jackson said emphatically. He'd never done this before. He didn't know if this was a normal way to go about it, but he doubted that. Most people didn't build walls around themselves the way Bellamy had. The way Jackson had with just about everyone who wasn't Bellamy or Abby. "I actually want to know you," he added. "Anything you want to tell me."

The rain was starting to pick up, along with the wind, and Jackson looked up at the darkening sky. "This doesn't look good," he said, licking rainwater off his lower lip. If the threat of getting stuck in a storm wasn't actually potentially dangerous, he might've enjoyed the taste like he had a few times before. "Back to the rover?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He wanted to get to know him. Bellamy swallowed at the idea, wanting to and yet not wanting to. It was an internal battle. Craving that closeness that he knew could be achieved with opening up . . . yet fearing the reoccurring pattern that when he did, people would leave. Granted, Gena never had. But he'd condemned her to death. What if he did the same to Jackson? "Why?" His voice no longer held that bluntness, but the single word question held far too much emotion. A struggle to keep it contained, but he knew he was failing. He knew it was getting too late to hold back. Why did Jackson want to get to know him? At his next question -- something that Bellamy could more easily answer -- he shook his head a little.

"We won't make it back in time," he said, realizing he needed to slightly raise his voice to speak over the gusting wind. "We need to find shelter to wait it out." The rain started to fall faster and faster, before it became a sudden downpour. "There should be a cave up ahead!" They had mapped out the terrain, needing to identify where there were shelters like caves and bunkers for emergencies just like this one. Bellamy just hoped he wasn't wrong. He turned to Jackson for a moment, making sure the male was close. These storms could be damn dangerous with the heavy water causing flooding and mud slides. Not to mention falling trees. "We gotta move fast!" He staying alongside the doctor, moving them toward what he hoped was a suitable shelter for the next little while.

[Deleted]

Why?

Jackson would have answered Bellamy's question, but suddenly there were more pressing matters at hand. Jackson could already feel the rain soaking through his clothes to his skin. He'd been in the rain before, but not like this. How had it started pouring down on them so fast? "Let's go!" he called over the sudden loudness of the storm, and started following Bellamy.

They moved as quickly as was possible, given the suddenly slippery terrain. When a crash of lightening startled Jackson, he nearly slipped and fell, but he reached for Bellamy's arm instead, catching himself. It was terrifying and amazing, what nature could do. Once he was steady again, he let go of Bellamy and kept moving.

By the time they reached the cave, they were both dripping, drenched, and Jackson swore, peeling his wet jacket off and trying to slick the water out of his hair and off his face.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

As they were moving, Bellamy felt something grab onto him and he instinctively reacted, his other hand reaching out to grab Jackson so that he wouldn't fall. His gaze quickly moved over the male to ensure he wasn't hurt, but when he continued on moving . . . that was indication enough. Fortunately, there was indeed a cave, and they were soaking wet by the time they got there. Once inside, Bellamy took off his jacket, weighted even more by how wet it was, and set it to the side.

Everyone was too damp to start a fire with but at least this cave would provide them with the necessary shelter. He ran his hand through his hair, ruffling it a little as he attempted to ring out the water from the locks. Setting his gun to the side, he knelt down to open his pack, tossing a blanket to Jackson.

"Dry off," he instructed him. He didn't have towels but he had a couple of blankets so once could be used in the place of a towel and the other for warmth. "Last thing we need is either of getting sick." With that, he stood by the cave opening, his back to Jackson, inspecting the brutal storm. "I don't think it's gonna let up before night." Which meant, there was a possibility they'd have to spend the night here, in the cave. Together.

[Deleted]

Jackson caught the blanket Bellamy tossed to him and dragged it through his hair and over his face and body, wishing he'd thought the bring extra clothes. They hadn't expected a delay. So Jackson just did the best he could with drying his clothes, listening to Bellamy. He didn't think it would let up before night. Great. That added so much time to their trip, and Jackson didn't think Nyko would call on Skaikru doctors if it wasn't an emergency.

But there was nothing he could do to change the weather, so he just walked up behind Bellamy, and draped the blanket over his shoulders. "You dry off too," he said, staring out at the rain, sucking in a sharp breath as lightening crashed outside again, seemingly charging the atmosphere. "I'm still not used to it," he said, just loudly enough to be heard.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

He heard Jackson nearing him and it took all his strength to not turn to look at him. He didn't even know what expression was on his face. He was trying to keep it as stoic as ever, but their previous conversation threatened that. "Thanks," he stated when Jackson put the blanket over his shoulder. He lifted one end of it to wipe his face, before running it over his arms to try and dry off what he could.

The lightening caught his attention as he looked back out at the scene before him, the doctor's voice saying he wasn't used to it. "The rain and storms?" He asked, wondering if that was what he meant. It was at least a safe assumption. "I still remember our first storm on the ground," he began to say. "Ironically, was also the first time we made decent contact with the Ark." There had been a hurricane that day. And they had tortured Lincoln. Pushing those thoughts away, Bellamy turned to walk away from the opening of the cave and moved to set the blanket down.

[Deleted]

Jackson watched Bellamy walk away from him, unsure how to read the other man, and unsure how to bring the conversation back to where it had been going before the storm had them running for cover. He didn't want to let it go too long, not long enough for Bellamy to completely rebuild his walls, but bringing it back up was awkward.

"I remember that," Jackson said. After what had felt like too long watching the wristbands he'd helped design go out, watching tiles on a screen go dark, after what felt like too long wondering what was happening on the ground, it had been such a relief to hear from the kids they'd dropped to Earth.

Wind gusted through the cave, and Jackson moved in deeper, sitting on the ground against a wall. He suppressed a shiver at the cold stone, fairly certain that if Bellamy had brought anything to start a fire with, he would be doing that by now. "You asked me why... Does there have to be a reason to want to get to know you, Bellamy?"

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

The ground didn't have much to start a fire with and everything else that could be gathered from outside was too wet. But still, Bellamy tried to start what he could, though he was aware it wasn't going to last long. Hopefully just long enough to help them dry off. While attempting to get that working, Jackson brought back the conversation to what they had been discussing earlier. The subject that Bellamy had brought up, but also the one he had tried to escape from. He didn't know which one would be best. But being confronted with it now in the confines of the cave, hardly left him with an option. He remained silent, trying to consider what the best response was. He could shut it down all together . . . or he could be honest. "Yeah, there does." That was at least a start to an answer, though ambiguous. Bellamy paused what he was doing for a moment, crouched down as he just stared at the slightly formed flames.

"I've . . . done a lot of things." To say the least. His tongue ran over his lips, his throat suddenly going dry. "And I can't be forgiven for them. Not by the others, not by myself." He would never forgive himself, just as the others couldn't. He swallowed, trying to keep himself composed, still unable to look at the man across from him. "The more I try to protect people the more I fail them and . . . " Once again he paused, knowing that the emotion, the pain, the defeat was starting to seep through his gaze.The threat of tears starting to form in his eyes. "I don't wanna fail you too." Even though he supposed he already had. But Jackson was alive, and didn't hate him. That was something. However, it was something that Bellamy didn't deserve.

[Deleted]

Jackson watched Bellamy started the small fire, listening as he spoke. He was relieved Bellamy hadn't just brushed off his question, but his chest ached as Bellamy's face started to show signs of pain, and his eyes welled with tears. Jackson moved over to him, not quite crawling, but not standing either, and stopped in a crouch next to him. He gripped Bellamy's arm, trying to get Bellamy to meet his gaze.

"I don't think I deserve forgiveness either," he said softly. "But... but you were right before. I was wrong. I... see that now. I shouldn't have to be alone, and neither should you. No matter what happens in the end."

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy kept his gaze on the fire, despite feeling Jackson's touch, despite the fact that he was now so close . . . and that he felt his gaze on him. "There's a difference Jackson," he began to say . . . about not having to be alone. "People haven't given up on you." They still looked to him, to his skills to his capabilities . . . hell, Bellamy knew that even Abby still cared for him, which was more than he could say for most others that he had once assumed were close to him. "And maybe I do deserve that. But I just . . . never thought I would lose them." Like Octavia. Like Kane. Like Clarke even.

Bellamy brought his hand to his eyes, wiping them for a moment to prevent any tears from falling. "You're not alone," he reassured, agreeing with his words, glad that he had found legitimacy to them now. "But just because I can be there for you, doesn't mean you need to be there for me. I can't . . . keep asking people to do that." He couldn't expect it anymore. And with Jackson, he knew he would. And he knew that he would just end up hurting him in the end, or scaring him away. "So no. You shouldn't want me to open up. Any more than I already have." Because whatever else he found out, he most likely wouldn't like.

[Deleted]

"You're wrong," Jackson said. He was wrong about so much. But Jackson couldn't say much because Bellamy was talking about things Jackson didn't know about. Who had given up on Bellamy? There didn't seem to be a huge shift in sentiment toward Bellamy in camp that Jackson had noticed, and Kane was still sending him on guard type duties, even though he'd left the guard. Who had Bellamy lost, other than Gena?

"And you're not asking me to do anything. I'm telling you what I want," he said, shifting behind Bellamy and tugging him back so that they were both sitting, Jackson's legs straddling Bellamy's hips. He leaned in, wrapping his arms around Bellamy's shoulders, pressing his chest to Bellamy's back as he nuzzled his face against the back of Bellamy's neck. Bellamy's warmth felt nice, even if they were both still in wet clothes. "Please talk to me," he murmured against Bellamy's skin.

Tag: Bellamy Blake