(Not) Good Enough

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Clarke stated that they didn't have to decide this now, but he also doubted that Lexa would hang around long after the job was done. They would have their own to look after for, and it would force Clarke to decide quickly. With her arm around her, leaning into his shoulder, Bellamy couldn't move. He was numbed with the fear of what she may condemn herself to. It wasn't just about how he felt for her. It wasn't just jealousy, for she had made it clear she had no feelings for Lexa. This was about Clarke. About protecting her. While she was right in that they deserved rest, sleep was so far from his mind right now. He felt a whole new rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins just from her recent news. He needed to be honest with her.

He needed to give her some perspective based on his own past experiences. Gently taking her hand in his, he led her to a small abandoned corner, granting them with some privacy. Once there, he reluctantly released her hand, not realizing how comforting it was to have her warm hand in his until he released it. He took his hat off for a moment, running his hand through his hair as he tried to find the words to say before placing the cap back on.

He never told anyone about his mother. He didn't want their judgment, and knew he would knock them out should he see a glimpse of it in anyone's gaze. But he trusted Clarke. He trusted her emphatically, and he knew he could confide in her about this. That she wouldn't judge his mother. He took a deep breath, forcing the subject as it was not one he had ever brought forth before. "In order to protect Octavia, my mother and I would have to take extra precautions." It wasn't just about rations of food or clothes or anything like that.

"One of those precautions involved making sure we were prepared for surprise inspections from the Guard." It sounded a bit contradictory, expecting the unexpected, but Bellamy knew he had to elaborate. The next part was more difficult to reveal, but he needed to. "My mother would . . . " He paused, licking his lips to help moist his dry mouth, and it wasn't due to the lack of drink or food. "Engage in relations with one of the guard members in charge of heading our station's surprise inspections." He still remembered it all too vividly. She had done it for Octavia, and to give him a position in the Guard.

Bellamy knew she did what she had to do, though he felt as if it was a failure on his part of not finding a way to better protect his family so that his mother would not have to resort to that. Bellamy swallowed and continued on, aware that he couldn't stop here. "She gave herself to him, and he took her. Whenever he wanted." The thought made his blood boil, seeing the man's sleazy claws on his mother. In front of him and Octavia no less.

"She told me it was to protect us. But it was at a cost. I saw it in her eyes. She hadn't just given him her body. She gave him her soul." Because she couldn't escape it at that point. It was too risky. And he knew his mother hated every second of it. "Clarke, I couldn't protect her the way I should have. I couldn't find a way to make it stop. To give her an alternative." It was why he had joined the guard; in the hopes that his mother could stop. "And I can't bare to see you in the same situation she was. Here, we have an alternative." For her to not go with Lexa. "And I am asking you, please take it." Please, stay with them. Stay with him. He knew his voice was pleading, but he didn't care. He couldn't conceal all the emotion. She needed to hear just how strongly he felt about this. Maybe then, she would decide to stay.

[Clarke Griffin]

What she said was not enough, it seemed. Bellamy took her hand to guide her away and she followed, trusting him with her life. She was half curious as to why he brought her to this part where nobody would look for them at first glance. It was semi private, or as private as it would get in this situation. The blonde looked into his eyes as he spoke of what his mother had done and endured to protect his sister and him and in a way herself. She had given herself to a guard to make sure a surprise inspection would never surprise them. This is where it came from then. This is why Clarke had the idea Bellamy knew exactly what he was talking about, because he did. He knew exactly what it would do to someone. He had to witness his own mother endure it, yet Clarke saw a strength in that, a strength only a mother could have. She placed her hand on his arm, a soft smile on her now pale lips. She began to understand. His mother was a brave, strong woman, fighting for her children at all costs, but it probably broke her, like it broke others as well. Maybe she held on longer, because unlike others she fought for a greater purpose. To her it was perhaps a small price to pay. But she understood now why it was so important to him. He couldn’t protect her as he wanted to, he’d try his best to protect Clarke now. That was just him. He had been selfish when he arrived her, but given what he endured, who could honestly blame him? What mattered was who he was now, who he was when people needed him. Then he was the best man he could be. 

“Then we’ll take the alternative.” Until the very last moment, they would cling to it. Clarke understood what it meant to him now and she longed to take that look out of his eyes, that haunted look that told her what his mother had done was not just at the expense of her own soul, but at his as well. She learned early that this man would have done anything for the two women in his life and though she didn’t know what happened that Octavia got exposed, she had seen for a long time that he blamed himself at least partially. “Bellamy, your mother did what she thought she had to do. She’s been an incredibly brave woman.” Would it give him a bit of peace to know what she thought of that matter? Would it give him peace that she agreed? “We’ll take the alternative, okay? I’ll stay.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

While Bellamy had been fairly confident that Clarke wouldn't be judgmental against his mother, he couldn't help but feel relieved when he saw no sign of it in her gaze. Quite the opposite in fact. She seemed, understanding. The feeling of relief intensified when she stated that she -- they -- would take the alternative. He felt like he could breathe easy again, not having to fear or wonder what she would have to endure. He would have gone with her but he wasn't naive enough to believe that he would actually be able to stop it. Just as he hadn't been able to stop what was happening with his mother and the guard.

It was a feeling of powerlessness that he never wanted to experience, especially as it involved a woman he immensely cared for -- to say the least. "Thank you," he breathed, grateful that she was willing to take his words into account. That she was willing to listen and accept his plea to not go with Lexa. Her next words gave him further reassurance, speaking of how his mother was brave, that she did what she had to do. It did mean a great deal to hear that, especially as Clarke was the only one he'd shared this with. And she would remain the only one. "I know," he agreed. He never once saw his mother as anything less than weak. Hell, he had been the weak one in his failure to protect her and then Octavia. He had failed them both in the worst way possible. But he would not make that mistake again. He couldn't afford to lose anyone else.

Every since she found out she was pregnant with Octavia, she had been fighting for them. Protecting them. And his reckless actions had undone all of that; had ruined everything and ultimately . . . had killed her. He gave a small smile, softer than the usual expressions that crossed his features and a small nod. She told him that she would stay, and that was all he needed to hear. He trusted her word, and he was ready to for whatever the consequences of this may be. For it was far better than her going with Lexa and enduring such a life with her. "Once the battle is done, the bodies will need to be cleared. Then, we'll tell Lexa." He doubted they would strike right now if it did come to that . . . so they would have time to prepare for whatever her bitterness would result in. This place was as good as they had seen in terms of shelter and protection.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke squeezed his arm softly as a response to him thanking her. He didn’t have to. She should have to thank him. He was trying to tell her to stay. He was giving her options and he was opening up about his own past in order to protect her from a fate he knew could be damaging, if not fatal to her. He was right to have reservations. By now Clarke knew the mountain men had tried to make a deal with the Grounders, but someone in their camp had realized that this was basically them admitting defeat. It was fear and panic and so they went ahead with their plan anyway. It was the way of the least collateral damage. To think Bellamy had almost become that…

“No.” Clarke ruled at his suggestion they would tell Lexa after the battle was done and the bodies were cleared. “We will not tell her then.” Going to her to tell her that then could result in small or larger aggression from the girl. They would need a slightly different approach. If they wanted to keep the peace or at least the truce, this had to be known to all. “Let her come and offer again, in public. And then we tell her, in public, that my people need her. And the only way we would come to Polis would be with a delegation for further negotiations. We’ll use the other Grounders to make sure she can’t turn around on us. They will understand a leaders desire to be with her people after events such as this. If we play this hand correctly, Bellamy, we could come out on top. We’ll have to try this. Unless you have a better plan.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She said that they would not tell her then, and he wondered what she meant by that. "I never said how it'll come out, just that it should be after we clear out the bodies." While the Grounders collected any casualities of the war, and Lexa was prepared to leave, expecting Clarke to go with her. Bellamy listened to her suggestion on the how they told Lexa. He was going to leave the details up to Clarke. She knew the Grounder Commander far better than he did. He listened quietly, letting her finish before responding. "You have a better understanding of them, and Lexa, than I do. Whatever you feel is the best way to approach it, works for me. You just won't be doing it alone." Whether Lexa would say it publicly, or privately, Bellamy didn't trust the Commander to be alone with Clarke under any circumstance.

He wondered what had even happened with them during this entire time. "I just think we need to be prepared for any outcome. Lexa is flippant." He had used that word to describe her before, when he had been trying to convince Clarke not to leave with her. "I don't trust her to not make this a personal or in her eyes a political attack against her and her people. We just need to be in a strategic position, should she lash out." He wouldn't put anything past Lexa. She came through now, but at the same time . . . he had seen how quick she was to change her mind. "So we'll do this. And if we can come out on top, great. If not, we'll be ready for what comes after." If Lexa had any sense, it wouldn't be an immediate battle even if their truce broke due to her . . . personal feelings. The Grounders needed to recover from this, and surely, as Clarke suggested, she would not expose herself so poorly in front of everyone. Clarke was right about that. Making this public could be the key.

[Clarke Griffin]

“I hardly have any understanding of them.” Clark protested. “Your sister is the grounder expert.” She was basically a Grounder herself. Clarke was still a bit weary of the entire thing, the culture and especially Lexa now. She knew she would have to be extremely careful around her and Octavia. It was one thing for her friends to find out about everything, but for the Grounders… Lexa still held power over her with the knowledge of what they did that night. Her people were loyal. She could make them believe it was only Clarkes fault, she could sing them a sob story, they would always believe Lexa over Clarke, that much was true, so they had to play their cards carefully, unless they wanted a repeat of the Finn situation, with her tied to the pole. Not that this would be too bad an option. IF that ever came to be, she hoped they would not make her friends watch, like they had done with Finn. But for now they had other things to worry about. In order to stop it, Clarke had an idea, though. She stopped.

“We have something against her, like she has something against me. When you told me about Tondc, I tried to make her evacuate. She decided against it. She let all those people die.” Granted she had not done too much, but Lexas manipulation back then had been thorough and very goal oriented. Bellamy might need that information one day. With Octavia knowing what had gone on and hating it and her, she knew the Blakes could make good arguments for their people. They could protect them together. She put her full faith in them. “Come. I think we have a few things to take care of. Like freeing our people. I bet you’re dying to reunite with Octavia as well.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Clarke spoke of how Octavia was an expert when it came to Grounders -- he supposed they also had Lincoln on their side as well -- but there was one sort of knowledge that no one other than Clarke possessed. "But you have an understanding of Lexa," he told her. "And that is what we need more than anything else." Because what Lexa said, went. The commander had clearly opened herself up to Clarke on an intimate level -- even if it was just one sided.

So no one could know the Commander quite as well as what Clarke was able to deduce about her in the time they spent together. Bellamy listened attentively when Clarke explained that they had something against her. Tondc. Bellamy paused, not understanding . . . and yet, he did. He understood completely. Clarke had told him that Octavia wasn't in Tondc and Raven had let the truth slip out.

Bellamy wasn't angry about that. He was hurt that it was kept from him, but only for a brief second. They had far more important things to worry about. But now, the thought of people dying because Lexa refused to evacuate . . . it made his blood boil with anger. Knowing that Octavia and perhaps more of their people were there. Had Clarke not spoken of reuniting with Octavia, he would have feared the worst.

"But Octavia, Lincoln, whichever other of our people were there . . . they got out? You told them to get out." He was assuming of course. He was also revealing that he was fully aware that Octavia had been in Tondc but he was not saying it as a way of blaming Clarke for not telling him. He was saying it to confirm that their people were alright. How could Lexa do something like that? What did she mean that Lexa had something against her? . . . What did Clarke mean that she had tried to make her evacuate? Bellamy needed to sort this out before seeing Octavia and the others. He needed to understand. "Clarke, what does she have against you?" He asked, not liking the feeling he was getting for somewhere in his mind . . . he feared he already knew the answer.

[Clarke Griffin]

“She wasn’t there, Bellamy. She and other seconds were tasked to keep watch in the woods. She was not in the line of fire.” Clarke explained. “As far as I know Lincoln wasn’t back with us then, so I did not look for him.” But there were other people. Clarke stopped. She knew this would have repercussions even with Bellamy, but in the end, it would be that. She would face the consequences, she would regret it, she already did. In the end, though, Bellamy needed the knowledge in order to protect their people. Even if Lexa would get her killed, Bellamy could protect the rest of their people against them with the knowledge he would have.

“She’s got Tondc against me, Bellamy. Look around you, who would those Grounders believe? Her or me? Her story, however much of a lie it would be, would stand against mine. You, maybe Octavia and a few would believe me, but they would always believe her, not me. What happened in Tondc, she could twist herself out of the blame and have me killed. You have to keep the peace somehow, Bellamy.” She just did now know how that should work. Either way, he had to manage it somehow. Then, though, she owed him the truth as well. “I tried to get Lexa to evacuate Tondc. I lied when I told you octavia was back at Camp Jaha, to ... protect you, but she was assigned to stand guard with the other seconds in the woods, so she was safe. I tried everything. I suggested we cancel the meeting, I suggested just evacuating and … risking your exposure, I tried to get her to start a damn fire. But I fell for her arguments. By the time I realized that more of our people than I anticipated were in Tondc… by the time I even half noticed what happened to me there and got ready to turn back… the bomb knocked me out. That’s what they got on me. All they need to do is demand my blood. But you know that Lexa knew. And you know that I gave her options to protect her people, that… My mother was in Tondc.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy silently listened to Clarke explain things. She didn't answer his question right away about getting the others out. She assured him that Octavia wasn't there, that she remained safe . . . as was Lincoln. He was relieved to hear that, but he also had a gut feeling in the pit of his stomach. One that was explained as Clarke continued on. She had tried to evacuate Tondc. Which meant, they didn't. He could see Lexa making such a decision not to, but for Clarke to go along with it? Risking the lives of their people like that? She even finished by saying that her mother was there too. His jaw slightly clenched, feeling an array of emotions based on this news. How could she have not fought harder to get their people to safety? He had trusted Octavia, trusted their people with Clarke.

"Don't tell me you did that to protect me." He didn't want to hear it. His voice was blunt, trying to suppress his emotions, not wanting to lash out at her -- especially when she had been considering going with Lexa. But, nor could he completely withhold his reaction to this news. Surely she didn't expect him to. "How many did we lose?" He questioned, keeping his voice strong, but the thought of losing them in such a way. Especially when they had the power to save them. They had gotten the warning, overheard the men talking about the missile. Bellamy had trusted Clarke to do something with that news; to take action, not to let it be for nothing. Not to let Lexa do what she wanted.

"Why didn't you just start the fire?" He questioned, somewhat rhetorically. It wasn't that specific strategy that he was commenting on, it was more the bigger picture; the fact that she had only suggested things . . . that she had tried to get Lexa to do something, rather than just doing it herself. He needed to remain stoic though. The repercussions would come for this. "Who knows that you and Lexa were aware about the missile?" He questioned. This was vital information, because it would let him know how best to proceed. His anger was still there, but for the good of the rest of this plan, he needed to set it aside. Things were far from over. This conversation, was far from over. If he was going to protect her from this, he needed all the information . . . no matter how much it hurt to hear.

[Clarke Griffin]

“I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.” Clarke pointed out. Looking back judging on things was easy. She could see a better way, could maybe act on it, but back then she was desperate. She was panicking in many ways. She had misjudged the situation, had misjudged the solution and she regretted that now. He was right, just starting the fire might have solved a lot of things back then, but she hadn’t thought that far back then. It was her mistake. She had made mistakes that she couldn’t undo now. She had to live with what she had done no matter what. What she had said was an excuse, but just as much the truth. “It doesn’t exactly happen every day that someone wants to drop a bomb on a place. I didn’t think of actually setting a fire. I now know I should have thought of that though.” And she regretted not having been able to. 

“Lexa, of course. I think Indra knows. Your sister knows, my mother knows and now you. I don’t know who she confided in.” And if she did, what consequences would it have? She could not see any of them caring that greatly about her in that, that they wouldn’t do anything, apart from her mother, Bellamy and ultimately Octavia. Her loyalties still seemed to somewhat lie with her people, which was good, but she could not relie on that. “I wish I could undo it, Bellamy. So many people died there. I wish I could have thought of the fire or anything else to protect both you and them, but I didn’t. I didn’t manage that.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She wasn't thinking straight. He wasn't going to excuse her actions. Not when she said that they lost so many people. It was unsettling, to know that Lexa would kill her own people so needlessly. They could have done something. He firmly believed that. They had the upper hand, the knowledge of the missile. But it had been used for nothing. Only as justification to let people stay in the village while it was bombed, rather than a leaked piece of information that could allow them to save so many people. He couldn't look at her right now as he attempted to gather his emotions; to compose himself. It was getting increasingly difficult. He expected this from Lexa.

He didn't trust the Commander. But . . . he didn't expect this from Clarke. Because he trusted her. Emphatically. "I trusted you with Octavia. I knew I could leave her because you were there." He knew Octavia didn't necessarily need protecting but . . . he always felt better knowing that other people he trusted were around to help keep an eye on her. He had been that way with Lincoln. He had thought he could place his faith in Clarke when it came to his sister's safety, which was so incredibly important to him.

He listened to her explain who else had known, unsure who they confided in. "No. You didn't." She didn't manage that. He was beyond disappointed with her decision; with her allowance for Lexa to make that call. It made him even more confident that she shouldn't go to Polis with the woman. Who knows what sort of shit she would do or try to convince Clarke to do. "How many people did we lose?" He asked, needing to know how many Arkers had been there. How many people died because apparently Lexa, had convinced Clarke to let it happen.

[Clarke Griffin]

She knew he trusted her with Octavia. He had mentioned her specifically, had originally asked her, in a way, to keep her safe, to get her out of there even if she couldn’t get anyone else down. She had let him down and betrayed his trust in that. There was no way to deny that. Given how that was the case, Clarke didn’t know how she could ever gain forgiveness for that. She had thought she was outside, so that was always something in the back of her head. And she still hadn’t acted appropriately. She still hadn’t saved her and the others. He had given her the information to save lives, not to follow tactics. She had failed in this. She had failed him entirely and she deserved his hatred. She deserved to be held responsible. Lexa had been right, it was a good action to not risk the lives in the mountain. But outside of the mountain it claimed so many lives. It was frustrating. 

“Three.” Clarke answered. “Four at most as far as I know. I don’t know how Kane… I don’t know how Kane is.” She didn’t dare to say more. This were the information he had. But she didn’t know if they were right or wrong. They, as in the Arker lost a handful of people, not more. The others lost a lot more. “I…” What was she even supposed to say? She was sorry. She should have made something different, but it sounded like a good idea at the time, even if it was not. “It’s my fault.” And it was. She could blame Lexa, but it still didn’t negate the fact, that she went along with it. It was her fault. And she’d take responsibility for it.

Bellamy Blake