These Battle Scars

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy continued to listen, appreciating Jackson's honesty. Knowing that the man could just as easily tell him he didn't want to get into it; to mind his own business. At this point, Bellamy didn't know anymore about his relationship with other people. Clarke had put so many things into question. Made him doubt so much about himself. She had been a person he could rely on; a person he had let himself be completely vulnerable with. And she left him.

No one else was to blame; no one but himself he supposed. But he did want Jackson to somehow know that he wasn't one to do the same. That Bellamy had not dismissed the significance of being one of the few people Jackson opened up to. Bellamy kept his eyes on the man before him, even as he approached closer, though the once janitor did not move an inch himself.

"They will," he began in a quiet voice. "Die with me." That wouldn't change, regardless of the longevity of his life. "I'm glad you let me in, then." That he wasn willing to open up, even if it was because he thought he was going to die. "I get that, fear of losing someone." It was the same fear that had prevented himself from committing to anyone -- at least romantically. "But if there's one thing that the ground has taught all of us, it's that life is pretty damn short." With all that happened here, and all that would undoubtedly happen.

"You don't have to go through any of this alone. You deserve to be with someone. It makes this place more . . . " Bellamy paused in thought, his tongue running over his lip as he briefly looked away from Jackson for a moment. "Bearable," he said, turning his eyes back to the doctor who was now standing closer than before. Amidst all the death, all the pain, all the suffering that the ground had thrust upon them. The person that he thought would be there for him no matter what, was gone. And trusting another the same way he had trusted her . . . would be hard.

But that didn't mean he failed to see the value in being with someone. Perhaps he needed that. Perhaps it would be what saved him . . . not that he deserved to be saved at this point. Jackson's question of Bellamy's well was immediately met with silence, before giving the generic response. Though he wondered if he asked, because he now knew what Bellamy had done. "I'm fine." He had to live with himself; the crimes he had committed, the genocides he committed -- on a couple occasions. Knowing it was unfair to give Jackson a basic response after he had opened up so much to him, he continued.

"I have to live with what I've done." There was no escaping it. No way out of it. He could only take it day by day, endure. That was what the hallucation of Jaha had told him. Endure. Suffer. He deserved it . . . and even the hallucination was right. "But that's on me." It was all on him. "You should embrace things you didn't let yourself have on the Ark." Love. Companionship. "You may not get another chance." Not to say they were all going to die, but so much was uncertain down here. People should take advantage; form ties. Live, rather than just survive . . . if that was at all possible.

[Deleted]

Jackson felt relieved when Bellamy said his secrets would die with him. Jackson didn't know he needed to hear that, but apparently he did, even if he didn't suspect Bellamy would have any desire to talk about what they shared. To anyone else, this relationship--whatever it was--probably looked strange. Bellamy and Jackson barely ever had reasons to interact. Most people probably wouldn't expect them to know each other, except in passing. And they didn't. Not very well, anyway, even if the little time they'd shared always felt so intimate.

Jackson was grateful Bellamy gave him more than just 'I'm fine', but it wasn't much more, and he pressed his lips together as Bellamy seemed to start encouraging him to find a partner. He shook his head. "I may not get another chance, but I'm more likely to lose someone down here. And my job hasn't become less all-consuming." Peace was holding for now, but it had only been a few days. Maybe in a few weeks, Jackson might feel like he could breathe, but not yet.

Cautiously, he reached his hand up toward Bellamy's face, hesitating midway to see if Bellamy was going to pull away. When he didn't, Jackson cupped his jaw in his hand, letting his thumb brush Bellamy's cheek. "You saved lives, Bellamy. You saved the most important person in my life, the last person I feel close to. And there was a great cost, but from what I've heard... you didn't really have another option."

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Jackson spoke of how he was more likely to lose someone down here than on the Ark . . . and that his job hadn't become any less intense. Bellamy halted before responding when he felt Jackson reach out to touch his cheek. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt such an intimate touch . . . one that wasn't filled with bittersweet sorrow. His eyes moved from Jackson, looking to the side, though he remained still, not yet wanting to break from the human contact. Though, it wasn't just anyone who could provide him such comfort. It was the past they shared, how they had been what the other needed at the time.

Right now, Bellamy didn't know what the hell he needed. All he knew was that he was selfishly basking in the warmth of Jackson's touch, though unable to exempt himself of any guilt or blame for what he had done. Still, to hear his gratitude, to hear him speak of Abby . . . it made Bellamy relieved to know that they had made it out alive -- most of them. The Arkers did anyway. Uncertain as to how long he remained silent following Jackson's words, Bellamy finally responded, eyes still averted from the doctor's. "We did what we had to do." Bellamy's mind wasn't resting on Clarke so much, as Monty and him. Because they were in this together; where as Clarke decided not to be.

Bellamy's eyes slowly made their way to Jackson, knowing he didn't deserve any comfort not ease on his conscience. "But that doesn't change the fact that I've killed more people than I've saved." He didn't regret it. How could he? But he placed value on life. He had decided that children, and innocent people who helped him get his own people to safety . . . were worth killing if it meant freeing his own. He had decided that their lives weren't saving; their lives were not as significant. Children. Innocent children who had nothing to do with this war, were the casualities of it. It sickened Bellamy to his very core. To know that he had made that decision, and he couldn't regret it.

"You deserve to live. Truly live, not just survive. This life, should be about more than that." And he wanted that, for his people. He wanted them to embrace what they had here. He wanted them to place value on what they could. Emotion was thick in his voice, though he couldn't let himself break down . . . again. He had been bad enough at medical; he didn't want to further burden Jackson with his pain. Bellamy raised his hand to rest over Jackson's that was on his cheek. "You should find some semblance of happiness, Jackson. In more than just your work." Because spending the intimate time he had with Jackson, he could tell that it was wanted. Just as Bellamy had wanted some form of companionship. And Jackson deserved that, at the very least.

[Deleted]

Jackson held a sigh as Bellamy continued to push him to find happiness. He didn't see anyone else getting distracted chasing romance or companionship, or anything like it. Maybe people were finding it outside the walls of medical, but Jackon's job isolated him a bit.

He had a job to do. One that only a couple of people knew how to do. And at the end of the day, as much as he craved what Bellamy was trying to push, he still feared getting hurt. Not from heartbreak, but from loss.

"If peace holds, maybe I will," he said, not really believing it, but hopefully Bellamy would stop pushing now. The warmth of Bellamy's hand against his felt nice, but Jackson was more concerned with the emotion in Bellamy's voice. He drew a deep breath and slid his hand back until he could hook his arm around Bellamy's shoulders. His other arm came up and helped pull Bellamy against him in a tight embrace, as Jackson tucked his face against Bellamy's neck.


Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

If peace holds. It wouldn't. Bellamy knew that. He had little trust in the Grounders -- especially when it came to their flippant Commander. She had a ceasefire now, it but was only a matter of time before that ceasefire would be broken. And Bellamy was prepared for it. Braced for it. With that said however, he wasn't going to go around and be the cynic that told everyone this wouldn't last. From what Bellamy saw in the past few days, people were settling. Working on healing. Focusing on what was now named Arkadia. He wasn't going to take that away from them. Whatever moments they could have where they didn't need to live in fear . . . they should be given it.

Before Bellamy found any words to say, Jackson withdrew his hand, and instead, wrapped them around him. Bellamy paused for only a brief moment, not out of any unwelcome or unwanted desire . . . but rather, the surprise at the comfort that the embrace held. He slowly moved his arms to wrap around Jackson, tilting his head to the side a bit as he took in a deep breath. Taking in the familiartiy of what it was to hold the man before him. Only things had changed; so much had changed. Yet, the comfort that he could provide for him . . . perhaps that had not altered at all. Even if Bellamy knew he would never heal. That he would never move past the murderous acts he had committed. But he could embrace others, surely.

Just as he did now. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to just fall into the warmth of Jackson's body pressed against his, holding each other in this time of healing. He wasn't sure how long he stood in this position before slowly drawing his head back to look at the doctor. He could stay like this for longer, craving that contact with someone . . . but he also knew it wasn't fair to Jackson to just let himself be held. Bellamy didn't deserve that ease of pain, yet took it anyway. Greedily. "Dare I ask if you've eaten?" He inquired, a small tease in reference to their very first meeting where Bellamy had learned that Jackson tended to skip meals. But there was a compulsion for Belamy to take care of others, to take care of him. Make sure they had what they needed . . . make sure that they were alright.

[Deleted]

Jackson was relieved when Bellamy returned the embrace and sighed softly against his skin when Bellamy leaned in. It felt nice having Bellamy's solid body against him, and Jackson hoped Bellamy was getting something out of this too. Jackson still wasn't entirely certain why he'd come. He hadn't necessarily come for sex, and he needed sleep more than anything right now, though he wasn't about to invite himself to stay. He should probably excuse himself to his own room in a few minutes.

When Bellamy pulled back and asked his question, the corner of Jackson's lip quirked up slightly. "I've gotten better about that," he said honestly. Earth required him to take in more calories. Earth was more active. He couldn't afford his blood sugar to drop too much if he could help it. Couldn't afford shaky hands, should someone be hurt.

"How about you?" he asked softly, looking at Bellamy as he lifted a hand to sift his fingers into Bellamy's curls. Was Bellamy eating or drinking enough water now? "If I tried to get your blood pressure, would I succeed this time?"


Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy was at least relieved to hear that Jackson had improved in his diet, making sure he ate. Bellamy supposed that with Abby around, she would ensure it as well. Besides, it was more about doing what they could to help others . . . and as Jackson had told him, he'd be useless if he didn't take care of himself. At least Jackson fulfilled that same logic. "Good," he stated, summarizing his earlier thoughts. He then turned around the question, asking if he had eaten . . . as his hand ran through Bellamy's hair. He had always found that to be quite a soothing gesture; providing a rather comforting effect.

Bellamy closed his eyes for a few moments before opening them to look at the doctor once more. "Probably," he assured him, still unable to bring himself to smile though there wasn't as much of a stoic expression on his face. He didn't know what emotions came out of him these days. He was just a mess of them. "I did eat something though." He had complied with what Jackson had said. "Doctor's orders," he added on a bit more teasingly. He seemed to belatedly realize that his arms were still wrapped around the male, and slowly lowered the, letting them fall back to his side.

[Deleted]

Jackson huffed when Bellamy teased, but then his fingers froze in Bellamy's hair when Bellamy dropped his arms.

Oh. This had been a bad idea. Clearly, Jackson needed more sleep if he'd thought coming here was a good idea. Obviously Bellamy had little interest in continuing what they'd shared on the Ark. Jackson felt a little silly for having hope when Bellamy had leaned into their embrace. Was he just indulging Jackson for a moment? Worse, did he feel sorry for him? Was that where all the pushing to find happiness came from?

Jackson blinked at Bellamy a couple of times, then looked away and stepped back, clasping his hands together over his ribs. "I should probably go sleep," he said. "You should too. I just wanted to come see how you were." He started toward the door. Bellamy would probably see right through that. If this were a check up, Jackson wouldn't have opened the conversation how he had.


Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy didn't fail to notice the abrupt way that Jackson had stepped back. The way he averted his gaze. His words of departure. Bellamy was fully aware that this had been more than him coming to see how he was. Had it just been about that -- a strictly professional reason -- then he wouldn't have spoken about the past. He wouldn't have mentioned what happened to them before. Bellamy just watched him head toward the door, feeling whatever was left of his heart grow heavy. He supposed he should be used to it by now, people leaving.

He had learned that he wasn't worth staying for and . . . maybe he shouldn't expect anything different. Maybe this was how it was always meant to be for him. "You don't have to. You can stay," he added on, unable to ask someone how to stay. Already fearful that it would be dismissed, and that Jackson would leave anyway. That, was what Bellamy had to grow accustomed to. Seeing them leave, rather than staying.

His eyes remained on Jackson, whether the doctor was looking at him or not. "If you want," he added in a low voice. Rejection should be expected though. He should never dare get his hopes up again. "To stay," he finished, an all too familiar plea, though perhaps not quite as intense as the last one had made. But Bellamy remained still, knowing that if he stepped closer, it could be closer to another rejection . . . another failed attempt. And with the way Bellamy's emotions were right now, he was uncertain he could handle it.

[Deleted]

Jackson froze when Bellamy offered to let him stay, but for several moments he just stared at the door. He wanted to stay. He should probably go, though. Bellamy did things to him that Jackson couldn't explain and was afraid to explore, but he'd slept more soundly the night he'd asked Bellamy to stay with him on the Ark than he had been, and the idea of staying tonight after several nights at his desk was too appealing to pass up.

He'd probably regret it later, but he turned back to face Bellamy, pressing his fingertips into the bridge of his nose as if he could push the confusion out of his brain. Finally, he dropped his hand and looked at Bellamy. "Tell me this isn't pity." He almost added that Bellamy should lie if he had to, but stopped himself.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy truly didn't know how Jackson would react. It seemed the people he was closer to, acted in ways that he often did not anticipate. So he just waited there, still, watching the doctor. Eventually, he turned around and asked him . . . or well, suggested that this was pity. Telling him not to say that it was. But Bellamy would not lie. He did not sugar coat. "It isn't pity," he told him, his voice unwavering. Sure; certain. It wasn't a desperate attempt to make him stay . . . as much as he said it like it was simple fact. It wasn't pity.

"Not on my part." Bellamy was fairly certain he was the pathetic one. Emotional, broken. Hell he had cried in medical and refused to lay down on the bed until Jackson made him. He didn't know if he would ever heal, and he wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to stick around to find out. Clarke hadn't; why should anyone else? A part of him even knew that his own sister would want to leave this place. But this was all he could offer to Jackson. His words of honesty. Maybe it was good enough, maybe it wasn't. But it was all Bellamy had.

[Deleted]

Jackson drew a steadying breath at the response he'd been given, calmed slightly by the certainty in Bellamy's voice. He shook his head automatically when Bellamy suggested maybe it was pity coming from Jackson. "I don't pity you," he said, his voice also sure. Jackson hurt for Bellamy sometimes, when he allowed himself to think about it. But that was different than pity.

Jackson sucked in another breath, then crossed the room to Bellamy again. "Damn it, you confuse me," he said as he walked. When he reached Bellamy, he pressed a hand to Bellamy's chest and leaned in, brushing a tiny kiss to the corner of Bellamy's mouth. The previous two times they been together, that was how Bellamy had started kissing him. The memories were bittersweet now, but Jackson hadn't forgotten how surprisingly tender those first kisses had been.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy felt a wave of relief wash over him, hearing Jackson say that he didn't pity him. He should though. He really should. But right now, Bellamy didn't have the strength to convince someone why he was one to be pitied. Fortunately, he didn't have to concern himself with it either, for Jackson made his way to him, claiming that Bellamy confused him before placing a light kiss to the corner of his lips. The familiarity of this moment -- though in reversal -- was touching. Comforting. And it caused Bellamy to close his eyes, basking in the touch that the good doctor offered him.

One small brush of his lips, felt like it was warming his entire body after having been cold for so long. He leaned forward, his lips brushing against Jackson's ear, speaking directly in it with a low voice. "Somehow, you're always what I need," he began to say. He then drew his head back, leaning in as if to kiss him but paused a mere inch before their lips would have touched. Instead, he just rested his forehead against Jackson's, his eyes still closed, freezing time to soak in this moment and forget all else existed. "And want." With that, he closed the distance, pressing his lips against Jackson's in a soft kiss that would build into a more passionate one. Bellamy's hand moved to the back of Jackson's hair, weaving his fingers in his short locks, pressing him closer against him.

[Deleted]

Jackson shivered at the feel of Bellamy's breath in his ear and his words, letting himself enjoy the moment and this closeness. When Bellamy finished what he was saying, Jackson didn't have a moment to reply before Bellamy was kissing him. Jackson left one hand on Bellamy's chest, but slid his other back into Bellamy's hair.

As the kiss deepened and grew more hungry, the hand on Bellamy's chest moved to slip around Bellamy's waist, pulling him closer. "Me too," he panted between kisses.

He really needed sleep. He should stop this before it got too far. Instead, he slid his hand up the bottom of Bellamy's shirt, pressing his hand into the small of Bellamy's back.

Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Feeling Jackson reciprocate the way he did, his hands roaming his body to rest on his waist, before slipping up the bottom of his shirt . . . provided an incredible sensation. One that he hadn't quite realized how much he'd missed until now. He deepened the embrace, tongue exploring Jackson's mouth eagerly as he drank his fill of the doctor. Breathing into the embrace, he started to move them, stepping back and gently pulling Jackson with him so that he didn't have to break the contact of their lips. He didn't stop until he felt the edge of the bed on the back of his legs. Easing out of the kiss for a moment, Bellamy took a few slow breaths, his tongue running over his lips to savor the taste.

"Do you have anywhere else to be?" He asked in a low voice, leaning back forward to kiss him again, before his lips trailed their way to his neck, creating a path of kisses along it as he continued to speak in between each one. "Or can you stay?" The night. Once again, Bellamy knew he shouldn't get his hopes up. He knew that Jackson may not be able to -- or may not want to -- spend the entire night here. On the Ark, they had always been at Jackson's place. Down here, they were now in Bellamy's. And the former janitor wanted to know if it was possible for him to stay the night. The thought of being alone was far too daunting.