These Battle Scars

[Deleted]

Jackson could feel Bellamy watching him, but he didn't look back at him as he moved carefully from injury to injury on Bellamy's body. When Bellamy inquired about his well-being, Jackson huffed a breath that might have been a laugh on any other day, his lips twitching into what might have been a smile on any other day before the expression dropped immediately.

He moved around behind Bellamy to check his back. "No more tired than anyone else who went to Mount Weather last night." It was true, he'd left before the fight was over, but he hadn't had a choice. So he'd come back to camp and waited awake in medical for everyone else to come back. For Abby and Clarke. For Octavia. He wasn't sure how he'd face her now, but he'd been doing a good job of shoving the thought aside.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Tired. That was certainly a good way to put it. Physically tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. All forms of exhaustion seeping into everyone . . . especially those who were at Mount Weather, or had a role to play in the plan. Bellamy continued to remain still, turning his head to look at a sleeping Abby while Jackson inspected his wounds from behind. He felt his heart ache at what he would have to tell her. From Bellamy's understanding, Clarke had only told Monty and himself about leaving. Everyone else had been preoccupied with settling into Camp Jaha. But he knew that the moment she woke up, she would be asking for her. And Bellamy hated that he had to be the one to tell her . . . but knew that he should be that very person.

With his gaze still resting on the Chancellor, Bellamy spoke. "Clarke left." His words weighted, for his own hurt and resentment to the woman for abandoning them. Abandoning him. After ensuring she didn't have to go through it alone . . . she left him alone. "And I don't know how to tell her." With where his eyes were fixed, it was fairly obvious who he was talking to . . . for she would be the most difficult person to tell. How did one tell a mother that their daughter left? That he didn't know where she was going? That she would now have to wonder every day if she was even alive. God, he hated it. And yet, he felt it was his responsibility to be the one to inform her.

[Deleted]

Jackson was starting to feel slightly satisfied that none of Bellamy's injuries looked angry, obviously infected, or in need of stitches when Bellamy said Clarke left. Jackson froze, his heart thudding against his chest briefly. Clarke left? It was true that while Jackson had known Clarke close to a decade now, he felt much more distant from her here on Earth. She had changed so much. She had done things Jackson would have never thought she could, things that Jackson wasn't sure he could ever do. But she was still Clarke. And Jackson knew the tiny ache in his chest at those words was nothing compared to how hurt Abby would be.

He came around the table to look at Bellamy, not bothering to hide the hurt in his expression. It was not hurt for himself, however, but for the woman who lay sleeping across the room who had helped make him the man he was today. "What do you mean Clarke left? How could she just-- leave?"

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy could only hold Jackson's gaze for so long, which . . . wasn't long at all. He adverted his line of sight, his heart growing more heavy as he saw the hurt on Jackson's face. It was more so the people she left behind, hurt, broken . . . that would have to endure. That would have to suffer. Not knowing where she was. Bellamy had learned today that he wasn't worth staying for. But, if a mother wasn't worth staying for . . . then Bellamy didn't know who was. Hell, if his own mother was alive, he couldn't imagine leaving her. Having a parent was more than what anyone else had . . . and Abby would need that support, now more than ever. Bellamy could accept that he didn't mean much to Clarke, but the others. Abby. Monty.

Well, it only caused the resentment to grow within him. He slightly shook his head, unable to answer the question Jackson posed, for it was a question that had been burning in Bellamy since the second she told him she was leaving. How could she. "I don't know," he said his voice slightly catching from the impact of emotions. And there it was. The damn flood gate was starting to creak open. A tear fell from the slightly younger male's eyes, making its way down his cheek.

He sniffed, trying to retain some semblance of composure. "I don't know," he repeated, trying to make his voice sound stronger . . . but he was breaking. No. He was broken. He had allowed himself to believe that he and Clarke could get through anything together; get through this together. he had let himself be emotionally vulnerable with her. Opened himself up to her. Given up his soul for her. And now . . . left only was the emptiness and the blood on his hands that he was bathing in; drowning in. "She wouldn't stay . . . I, couldn't make her stay." More guilt on his conscience. That he couldn't convince her to stay with them.

[Deleted]

Jackson watched as Bellamy turned his gaze away, and he could hear the emotion in Bellamy's voice when he finally spoke. And then Bellamy was crying. Not weeping, but there was a tear running down Bellamy's face, and Jackson had to resist the urge to wipe it away. Or to hug Bellamy as he continued to speak. Right now, Bellamy was his patient. Given Bellamy's current state of health, Jackson didn't think it was wise to let him become too emotional. Bellamy would might collapse in a heartbeat if he lost his breath.

Jackson gripped Bellamy's shoulders firmly, his gaze sympathetic on Bellamy's. It was clear Bellamy was deeply hurt by Clarke leaving too. They'd apparently grown close in the short time they'd know each other. "I really need you to lay down now," Jackson said gently, and was relieved when Bellamy actually let him guide Bellamy down. He grabbed a clean cloth nearby and offered it to Bellamy to wipe his cheek, and for use should any more tears come.

"Your injuries look like they're going to be fine, but if they start bothering you more than they should after I release you, you'll need to come back," he said, and his chest ached as he said the words because he realized this was maybe the first time Bellamy had ever been truly vulnerable in front of him. Jackson didn't want to shut it down or make Bellamy feel like he shouldn't express his emotions, but it was inappropriate for Jackson to allow himself to get too emotional with a patient.

Once Bellamy was settled, though, Jackson looked over at Abby again, wishing what Bellamy said wasn't true. That Clarke hadn't left them, left her mother. Jackson would give almost anything to be with his mother again, and Clarke was walking away. "Bellamy," he said after a few long heartbeats, placing his hand on Bellamy's arm. "I... I can tell her, if you want." Maybe it would be easier coming from someone Abby had known a very long time, someone who had known Clarke a long time.

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy knew he needed to get himself together. This wasn't going to help anyone. Breaking down, wasn't going to help anyone. So this time when Jackson informed him that he needed to lay back and urged him to do so, Bellamy did not resist. He complied, moving back until he was rested against the bed . . . the same crippling fear of falling asleep, but his body was starting to protest the awaked state he had forced it in since entering Mount Weather. Bellamy took the cloth but only gripped it in his hands, closing his eyes for a moment as he focused on taking deep breaths. There were other people here. He needed to just keep himself composed and in control until he was discharged. Once he got out of here . . . once he was behind the walls of his room, he could let go then.

Surely. His wounds would be fine. The physical ones anyway. But it was the inner scars that would never heal. And he wasn't the only one who had them. Everyone was suffering from the trauma of events on the ground. Just to different extents, different ways . . . showing it in different forms. "Alright," he agreed, opening his eyes. He hadn't even thought much about the physical markings on his body. He trusted Jackson would make sure that there was nothing serious there . . . as he continued to do. It was then that he offered to tell Abby, and Bellamy turned his head to look at the male doctor, this time . . . not rejecting the touch of his hand on his arm. He swallowed, knowing it would be so much easier to deflect his responsibilities and dump it onto someone else. But that wasn't fair to Jackson. "I appreciate the offer," he began to say, sincere in his gratitude that Jackson would offer to take that burden from him.

"But I should tell her." Because Bellamy was the last to see her. Because he knew that Abby was well aware of how close they had grown during their time on the ground. Their loyalty to their people. Or so, Bellamy had assumed so in Clarke. But her leaving . . . made him question a lot of things. "She'll need a friend," he added on, continuing to look at Jackson, not minding if he was there when he told her because Abby would need that emotional support. And the two best people Bellamy could think of for that . . . was Jackson, and Kane. "Not exactly the news she'll be expecting to wake up to," Bellamy breathed, clear remorse in his voice, the pain of dread in what was left of his heart for having to tell her this bad news. Just when most everyone had made it out of the Mountain alive . . . not everyone remained.

[Deleted]

Jackson wasn't surprised when Bellamy rejected his offer to tell Abby the news. He knew it wasn't really his place, and he didn't have the full details, but he still made the offer. For all that Abby and Kane seemed to trust Bellamy, Bellamy had still only known Abby about a month. Fortunately, if Jackson was reading Bellamy's words right, it sounded like he didn't mind Jackson being present for emotional support when he told Abby, should she need it.

He wondered briefly if she'd prefer Kane, but then pushed the thought away. It seemed Kane and Abby were becoming close, but that didn't invalidate Abby's relationship with Jackson.

"I'd prefer to give her time to rest, rather than dump the news on her as soon as she opens her eyes," he said, looking back over at her. After a moment, he looked back at Bellamy again, his gaze flicking down to Bellamy's exposed chest momentarily. "You need to rest too. Do you need a blanket?"

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

While Bellamy wasn't about to run to Abby and wake her up to inform her of this news . . . he also knew that there was only so long they could prolong it. "Yeah, but we can only put it off for so long. Second she wakes up, she'll be asking for Clarke." A very natural reaction of course. That was her daughter after all. If Clarke had stayed, Bellamy imagined she would remain by her mother's side until she woke up . . . until she healed. But that wasn't going to happen. Not unless by some miracle Clarke returned, which, Bellamy knew she wouldn't.

Not of her own volition. When Jackson asked him if he needed a blanket, Bellamy slightly shook his head. He planned to be up as soon as possible. Once the IV did its work, Bellamy was going to get out of here. But the resistance to sleep was losing against his body's exhaustion. The fear becoming increasingly strong. Rest was not going to come easy. Sleep was something to dread. Opening his eyes, he looked up at Jackson. "I'm alright. You don't have to stay here." With him. He could check on the others if need be, or sit for a moment to take a break himself. His eyes felt heavier but he was fought to keep them open, until he at least finished what he wanted to say. "Thank you."

[Deleted]

Jackson wasn't sure it was true that Abby would immediately ask after Clarke. From what he understood, Clarke had been in good shape physically on the way back to camp, so Abby wouldn't be worried she was hurt. And Clarke had become so headstrong and independent, Abby might assume Clarke was doing what Bellamy had tried to do, push herself to make sure everyone else was okay. At least for a little while, anyway. They'd find out when Abby woke up, though.

Jackson ignored Bellamy telling him he could leave, as he'd planned to anyway. "Someone should be around with meals soon. I expect you to eat," he said in his doctor voice, and then softened it when he added, "You're welcome."

He went to check on his other patients, and when he was satisfied everything was calm, let himself rest a little. Bellamy left medical later that night, before Jackson really wanted him to go, after telling Abby about Clarke while Jackson sat by for comfort. Jackson just had to accept the small victory of getting Bellamy to rest at all while he comforted his friend.

The next few days were more of the same, and Jackson slept in medical at his desk for several nights, which was giving him an ache in his back and neck that he was just working through. He didn't leave in part because he didn't want Abby to wake up alone, and in part because he wanted to stay on top of things. Finally, several nights in, Abby forced him to get radios, one for her and one for him, and made him leave his post, promising she would radio if he was needed.

Somehow, maybe thirty minutes later, after bathing for the first time in days (which helped soothe his back a little), he wound up in front of Bellamy's door. His hair was still wet. Why was he even here? Before he could think too much, he knocked, and a few moments later, Bellamy answered. "Hey."



Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy didn't spent the entire night in medical. He just stayed as long as he needed to. The IV did its work and after that, he was out of there. Not before doing a quick check on the others though. He went to his assigned quarters, deciding to freshen up a little and change into some clean clothes. His appetite was practically non existent, though he had taken a few bites when served with something at medical. Food was not foremost on his mind. After cleaning up he went to see what needed to be done, and helped as much as he could before being forced back to his quarters to get some rest. It was how the next few days proceeded.

Nights were always the worst. As he feared, every time he closed his eyes . . . he would see them. His mind haunted, plagued with nightmares. He came to dread this time when he couldn't find distractions; when he couldn't focus on anything or anyone else. Only his own actions; his own murderous actions. Over 600 bodies on his conscience, and their ghosts visited him every night. As expected, shortly after Abby woke up, her inquiry about Clarke prompted him to see her as soon as possible.

All he could do was deliver the news, and offer some comfort. But . . . there were others better suited to that. After his conversation with her, the others started to learn of this news. It affected several, and it was during this time that another piece of news was revealed by his sister regarding Tondc. More pain. More to process. More anger he felt toward the blond haired woman. But nothing could be done about it now. It was what he thought about tonight though. How he could have lost his sister; how they had lost so many.

It was a knock on the door that pulled him from it, eagerly going to answer and hope for any sort of pull from his mind. When he opened the door, it revealed Jackson on the other end. Bellamy looked him over briefly, wondering if something had happened. "Everything ok?" He asked, concern in his voice, as he stepped a little to the side to offer Jackson entrance if he wished to come in. He hoped that the others were alright . . . hell, he hoped that Jackson was alright.

He looked exhausted but that was to be expected. Until the Chancellor was fully healed, Jackson would be pulling double duty. Even then, Abby's attentions would be divided between being a doctor and a Chancellor. Not that Bellamy had any say in this. It was just the way things were . . . and all he could do, was focus on what was within the realm of his own capabilities. Which right now, was seeing what had brought Jackson to his door.

[Deleted]

"Yeah," Jackson said automatically, feeling relieved when Bellamy stepped aside to et him in. "Abby just shooed me." He wasn't quite sure why he was here. In the few days that had passed, Jackson had been more fully informed about what exactly had happened at Mount Weather. He knew what Bellamy, Clarke and Monty had done, and it had made Bellamy's emotional state in medical after their return make more sense.

He'd wanted to hug Bellamy in medical, and he still wanted to now, if Bellamy would let him. But it felt like too much had happened to go straight to that.

"I..." He stopped a few feet into the room and turned to face Bellamy, lifting his gaze to the other man's. "I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been avoiding you for the past month. Not that you've even been around much. I just... I thought you were a dead man the last night we spent together, when I told you so much."


Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Once Jackson was inside, Bellamy closed the door behind him, glad that Abby at least got him out of medical for a while so that the man could get some rest. When he began to say something, Bellamy turned to fulll face him, peaked with curiosity. When Jackson began to explain, Bellamy just remained silent. He couldn't blame him for avoiding him, and well, as he had said . . . Bellamy hadn't been around much with their people missing. But he spoke of their time on the Ark, of how he had opened himself up to him because he thought he would die. Silence followed his words as Bellamy just processed this bit of information.

"Do you regret it?" He asked, wondering if Jackson regretted their entire . . . well, whatever it was they had. The first time had been a lustful hookup. The second time, was riddled with more emotions. And Bellay now wondered, with Jackson having believed that he never would see him again, if he regretted opening up that much to him. Jackson had to have known at the time what was happening with the juvenile prisoners. So it made sense, that he didn't think he would live. But . . . would it have drastically changed the nature of their previous interactions if he believed Bellamy to not be fated to die?

[Deleted]

Jackson sucked in a slow breath, turning over Bellamy's question. "I think I did," he said. "For a little while on the Ark. Until I thought it was actually going to be me who died." He pressed his lips together briefly looking at the floor, then added, "And then again when I didn't die."

After a moment, he huffed an unhappy laugh. This was so fucked up. He lifted his gaze to Bellamy's again. "I don't think I do anymore, though. Not after... everything." He wouldn't be here if he still regretted opening up to Bellamy, he didn't think.



Tag: Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: @severitysoftly

we  did

WHAT WE HAD TO DO

Bellamy listened to Jackson's response, his gaze resting on the doctor as he spoke of how he had initially regretted it, when he knew Bellamy would live and thought he'd be the one to die. But . . . he didn't regret it anymore. Bellamy wasn't entirely certain what he felt in this moment. He wasn't always confronted with a past hookup, having to talk about the emotional implications that left both people involved vulnerable. But that was perhaps what Bellamy Blake was now: vulnerable. Completely. Especially when it came to his emotions. Fragile and yet so easy to break. Or maybe it was too late for that. Maybe he was already broken.

"Why did you regret opening up?" He asked, wondering what Jackson's thought process was. Genuinely curious. A few moments pause in between both his questions, knowing they could be considered loaded ones. "What changed your mind?" What made him no longer regret it, especially since they both were here, now, in the same area . . . both having survived the trauma of the ground. And thus, Bellamy was curious as to what changed; what made Jackson no longer regret having opened up to him before.

[Deleted]

Jackson gave Bellamy a sad smile. "I told you that night I pushed everyone away. I didn't want to let anyone in, because I was afraid of caring about someone and losing them," he reminded Bellamy. "But I let you in that night because I didn't... I just thought my secrets would die with you."

He closed his eyes briefly. God, why had he started this conversation? He should have asked how Bellamy was. He should have focused on Bellamy's pain. Jackson's pain couldn't compare. At least, in his mind, it couldn't, and what did it matter now what happened on the Ark?

He shook his head and opened his eyes. "I changed my mind because one month has felt like a lifetime, and Earth is harder than I expected, and what happened or didn't happen on the Ark doesn't matter as much as right now." He started walking closer to Bellamy, trying to gauge his reaction, trying to decide if Bellamy--this Bellamy, Earth Bellamy--would even be open to letting Jackson wrap him in his arms. "How are you, Bellamy?"


Tag: Bellamy Blake