The Return

[Clarke Griffin]

becky1

---

Time was of no importance away from civilization. She was surviving somehow all alone, but time didn’t matter. She didn’t count the days or weeks, not even the hours. Sometimes nightfall even surprised her, especially during later days, when she was on her way back to where she came from. Clarke Griffin arrived at Camp Jaha just at sunset. The people searched her first before ushering her to medical to have her checked out for any injuries. It did not take long. Surviving had been easy with minimal threats to her. 

Things had changed. It was the first thing she noticed. There was a lightness in camp she noticed when she looked around, yet people looked at her like she was a ghost, disbelieve written all over their faces. For a moment she wondered how long she had really been gone, but then she knew it didn’t really matter. Why would it? She had been gone and now she was back. No big deal, right? Except she had left without much notice, just like that, to be alone with herself and her thoughts and her guilt. Clarke walked the perimeter aimlessly until she spotted one familiar face. Knowing she would have to face everyone eventually, she decided to face Jasper, immediately. She walked up to him slowly, preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.

“Jasper. Hi.” Clarke offered him a smile, almost shyly. After all she did not know what would happen, how he would take seeing her again.

[Deleted]

i'm wide awake after the riot

this demonstration of our anguish this empty laughter has no reason

Life felt like it went so slow in Camp Jaha, especially after Mount Weather. It didn't feel quite right to the broken hearted Jasper Jordan. He hurt, in multiple ways. Even though he was out and about more than previously, he walked and acted as if he was a hollow shell, as if he wasn't truly there. He was there, physically, but his mind wandered. He didn't find the happiness in things that he normally felt before. Sure, he was over the whole getting tied up in a tree or tortured or being speared incident, but heartache hurt much more. It hit deep in his chest, twisted and yanked without much of a thought. And Jasper struggled with getting over it. He struggled with losing Maya; she was perfect, and now she was gone.

That day, there was more commotion out of the ordinary. Jasper didn't think too much of it; he was busy in his own world, doing his own thing. He was making some sort of faux medicine, some topical alongside some pain killers, although he continued to get mistakes. He was feeling ten times more frustrated than ever, and he needed a break. Of course, as he pushed himself from the small table that he worked at, he heard someone talking to him. Familiar, but at the same time... distant? Maybe it was just Jasper's imagination. He wasn't sure what was really real anymore half the time.

He moved, glancing over his shoulder for just a second before turning off the small flame he managed to get underneath a bubbling pot of what was similar to water, "Hey, Clarke," he added, almost as if she was never gone. "Glad to see you're back. Are you here for a while or...?"

like a bottle of your favorite poison we are the last call

and we're so pathetic

tag: --- lyrics: Murder City ;; Green Day

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke was surprised to see him actually react to her. The last time she had seen him, he was less than happy to see her, so she had kept her distance. They were both suffering from what happened in the mountain. Clarke meant to make no illusion about what state the people or her were in. It had not been enough time yet for all wounds to heal. The physical ones, yes, of course. The mental ones, though, the scars to the soul might still be wide open, gaping open in some cases, in hers for example. Clarke knew to be careful around him. She was responsible for this girls death and she knew it.

“I am.” Clarke nodded almost unnoticeable if you didn’t look for it. The question was valid. Was she just here for a while or here to stay? Surely people had not imagined her leaving. For now she meant to stay, but it was a question of how the others would react to her being there in the first place. If it caused her friends more pain, then no, she wasn’t here to stay, she’d leave again, to let them heal, because that was what they needed and deserved. “For now I am here to stay, Jasper. I guess you could say I came home.”

becky1

[Deleted]

i'm wide awake after the riot

this demonstration of our anguish this empty laughter has no reason

Jasper gave a rather distracted nod, his hands fidgeting almost anxiously with a spoon before he mixed the pot of bubbling liquid with an idle hand, "Well... welcome back?" He didn't really know what else to say. Jasper was... surviving. There was a lot of pain hanging in his heart, and while he was trying to be impassive, and get over it, he knew that it wasn't that easy. He knew it'd take a while but... it was already several months since he lost Maya. How long did this pain last? He was already tired of it.

He shifted awkwardly in his seat before standing up. What did she expect, a hug? Jasper didn't want to really... do anything. It took him a hell of a long time to get over sulking to where he was now. He managed that, at least. But now there was the realization of just seeing Bellamy and Monty and now Clarke everywhere he went. He wasn't stupid. He knew they had to do what they needed to do to save their people, but at what cost? At what point were innocent lives worth it?

"Do you need anything? I think there's some water in here..." he shifted, digging through a pile of partially empty containers and other chemical-related items. He finally pulled out what looked like a canteen without the strap and uncapped it. Without thinking, and because Jasper had so many unmarked bottles around, he brought the opening to his mouth and took a quick swig before nodding, offering it over to Clarke, "It's water. I wouldn't give you something besides that. Though, I guess you'd already have your own, living out in the woods for all this time, right?"

like a bottle of your favorite poison we are the last call

and we're so pathetic

tag: Clarke Griffin lyrics: Murder City ;; Green Day

[Clarke Griffin]

In a way she had hoped someone would have helped him, better than that. He was grieving, Clarke understood that, she felt for him as she had been grieving, too. But there were so many people here to help him and he had known her for such a short time. Naturally, Clarke knew she made a huge impact. Maya had helped them. She had stood by Bellamy despite how dangerous it had been for her. She wished she could have protected her somehow, her and a lot of people, but she had been backed into a corner. There was no other way out. She wished she could take his pain somehow. She had to check if he would at least approach Monty.

“Thank you, but I’m not really thirsty. Uhm… how are you? Everything alright here?” She felt like she needed to step around shard so glass with him, but she needed to see how he was, if he was still clinging to this that hard. She also needed to find out if anyone had helped him at all. And if not she needed to arrange for that. It was impossible that he might not get what he needed. His anger and resentment, including his remark, she could handle, but to know he wasn’t taken care of, that not.

becky1

[Deleted]

i'm wide awake after the riot

this demonstration of our anguish this empty laughter has no reason

Jasper stood there, the canteen being held out in an almost awkward, forced stance as he waited for Clarke to take it. When she passed it up, he stood there for another second before finally moving, giving a shrug of his lanky shoulders before moving the canteen towards his own lips. He took a long drink -- man if this was alcohol... -- before finally capping the canteen. He didn't show much emotion -- or, well, he thought he didn't show it -- but his attitudes, the almost jolted way he moved showed everything. He was being friendly, not because they were on good terms, but for the sake of a friendship. Plus, as much as Jasper hated someone, or was angry at someone, he was still polite about it. Clarke, despite everything he hated about her at the moment, was still a friend. He couldn't just abandon a friendship.

"I'm fine. You know, surviving. Alive. Alive." He purposely repeated it, the second time a little more forcefully, a little more dramatically than the first. It was a point -- he was alive, unlike Maya and Fox and countless innocent victims from Mount Weather. That was something that constantly weighed on his mind. How many innocents died in the fight out of Mount Weather? It hurt to think about -- about Maya and her father, Vincent; she spoke so highly about him, about her mother... and they were all ripped out trying to save Jasper and his friends.

"Everything is fine, at least on my end. If you're trying to figure out if I'm okay with what happened, I'm not. Instead of just going around the bush or whatever the saying is, just ask. Am I over Maya's death? No. I'm not, thanks for asking." His words were a little more heated than normal. Maybe it was irrational of him to jump the gun, to suddenly bring up Maya, but that was always the first thing out of people's mouths towards him. 'Are you okay about losing Maya?' -- how many times would he hear it? Why can't people just let him grieve on his own without having to constantly bring it up.

like a bottle of your favorite poison we are the last call

and we're so pathetic

tag: Clarke Griffin lyrics: Murder City ;; Green Day

[Clarke Griffin]

She felt the word like a cut to her skin, yet, like someone once predicted, it did not make her crumble in on herself, like he might have expected, but she was making her stand taller. Because in the end, she had been there as well, the decision had been made by her, supported by Bellamy and that was the reason he and their friends were alive. Because she and Bellamy were actually capable to make the tough choices, unlike others. There was a reason they organically became the leaders of the 100 and a reason Clarke had been the respected leader in the eyes of the Grounders. They had had a better plan, but that falling through was not their fault, so she didn’t load that guilt on her shoulders. She carried enough as it was, was dealing with it still, though no longer alone. Clarke knew she had full support from those who mattered.

“That was not what I was going to ask. Why would I care? If you’re still not over the death of your fling for two weeks after two months, that is your problem. I wanted to know how you are. And don’t talk to me like that again. Bellamy and I saved your life down there. Did you for one moment stop to think what it might have meant for us or cost us? No. So you don’t get to snap at me for Mayas death, when I ask you about how you are at the moment. Finn is dead; did I mope around after he died? If I did you’d have no bone marrow left in your body, because neither me, nor Bellamy or anyone else would have come to save you. And more people would be dead at the hands of Mount Weather. So, no, sorry I care about how you’re dealing with Mayas death just as much as you care about how I am dealing with Finns or what I did to make sure you could mope around for two months.” Rolling her eyes Clarke turned away, the conversation finished in her eyes, as she could not imagine him being able to give her back anything useful, apart from words spoken in the same uncalled for heated mood as he had given her and she had given him back.

becky1

[Deleted]

i'm wide awake after the riot

this demonstration of our anguish this empty laughter has no reason

Jasper was getting wound up at the way Clarke just seemingly returned, and didn’t actually seem like she cared. He was angry at her for just leaving like she did, for everything that she did. Grateful, yes, because he was still alive, but that didn’t mean he had to just suck it up and not be mad at her. He stood from his table again as she complained this and that and man, did he want to slap her so hard. But he refrained; that wasn’t like him, and he wouldn’t hit Clarke. As angry as he was, and as much pain as he was in, nobody deserved to be hit. Nobody. He took a breath and what came out of his mouth seemed to almost shock him, but it wasn’t the silly, sane Jasper that was speaking, it was the angry, hurt Jasper.

“Walk away, Clarke. That’s all you do. You make big decisions that affect others besides you, and then you run away. I don’t know why anyone bothered to listen to you – oh right, because you are the Alpha Station Princess. You can’t be touched. Nobody can harm a hair on your head without you whining and making it sound like it’s not your problem,” he pointed out, his shoulders raising. He cleaned up his stuff slightly, done with this conversation and done dealing with Clarke, “Finn was just as much my friend as he was yours, Clarke. You did what you had to do, I understand that, but that doesn’t mean I forgive you. Forgiveness isn’t forgotten just because you decided to stay away for two months, doing who knows what. Probably making a deal with the grounders – aren’t you tired of them by now? I mean, they turned on you – on us – with those at Mount Weather.”

He ground his teeth together before shaking his head, “You know what, don’t bother answering that. I’m done with this conversation, and with you, Clarke. If you want to keep playing Pretty Ms. Princess, that’s your gain, but I don’t want anything to do with it.”

like a bottle of your favorite poison we are the last call

and we're so pathetic

tag: Clarke Griffin lyrics: Murder City ;; Green Day

[Clarke Griffin]

Princess, like that was a new one. She had heard it before, countless time, even in the way he meant it, as an attack. From then to now there was a difference, though. Everyone else, every single one of them, who used it as a perceived insult to her before, had moved on from there, as she proved she was more than what their initial prejudices suggested, accepting her not only as one of their own, but as someone who, born privileged, did not care about the status of someones birth at all. And whining? Was he mistaking her with himself? The only one who ever made a show of whining in the camp, even back at the dropship was Jasper himself. Oh, boohoo, someone wouldn’t talk to him because he was being a giant prick and he would start to whine. Clarkes hand itched to take it out of him, but that would only result in exactly that: Whining, whimpering and running to ‘mommy’ to complain, as he maybe thought he could fight his own battles, but he couldn’t, not really. Had he ever bothered to help anyone in this camp over their trauma? Knowing him: No.

And then he just dared to compare his friendship to what she felt for Finn once. But of course, she was only a girl, wasn’t she? At least in his mind girls were only there for one thing and sadly for him, luckily for her, she did not fall into his perception of what girls do. She’d not crawl and beg for his forgiveness and give him gratification for being a misbehaving brat. Not anymore. She’s been through too much to even consider catering to his needs. What was he anyway? 

“I don’t need your forgiveness, Jasper. I don’t care for your forgiveness. I didn’t ask for it. It’s not yours to give.” It was just as simple as that. Clarke didn’t even turn around to look at him. Forgiveness was given by someone she wronged. As it was, she hadn’t wronged him. She saved his life. It was not his place to give her forgiveness as he had nothing to logically forgive her for. It was just his way of thinking, a toxic way. He was pathetic. A pathetic excuse for a man, a waste of carbon. And yet his words struck, not because they came from him, but because they fueled the voiced circling in her head, those whose opinions mattered, whose opinions were valid unlike his. Clarke looked at her hands then. To her horror she saw the blood on them. Pretty princess, my ass. What she was, was something else entirely. And she could never wash the blood of her hands. She saw it, even though she knew it wasn’t there and she longed to wash it off, to scrub her hands until they were clean. 

“You’re pathetic, Jasper. Grow up and become a man. Because next time: I’ll let you rot.” Clarkes tone was cold and calculated. What did it matter? One day his blood would be on her hands as well and right now she’ll gladly leave it there. No, she’d gladly put it there, right now. “Next time I might even do it myself.” The blonde strode towards where she knew the water that they used to wash things were, needing to scrub her hands as she felt her body shake with the feelings she knew to suppress in the presence of people like Jasper Jordan.

This world would kill him soon enough, for good this time. The only reason he was still alive was because others saved him, but did he feel gratitude? No, he felt entitlement. And people like Bellamy, Monty, Miller and her had to pay the price, because he felt his little feelings mattered the most in this world. They didn’t matter at all. What mattered for her was to protect her people – by now excluding Jasper – and to help them heal whatever the price was for her – again excluding Gogglesboy. Once at the bassinet Clarke began with her task of washing her hands.

becky1