You Are Not Alone

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy watched as Clarke walked off into the distance. So that was it. She was leaving them. She was leaving him. Bellamy felt his heart ache at her decision to isolate herself to cope with what happened at Mount Weather. This wasn't something that either of them could run away from. It would haunt them for a long while. Bellamy had killed people in there who were his friends, people who helped him . . . children he had interacted with. What the hell was Clarke going to do by herself? If anything, her state would get worse. He couldn't let that happen. He turned and walked into the camp, going straight to Octavia. He told her what he needed to do and while he could tell she wasn't happy, she also knew that he needed to do this. Octavia didn't need him anymore. She was more than capable of taking care of herself.

And the people here . . . they would be fine. Besides, this wasn't forever. He would be back . . . he and Clarke would both be back. He quickly grabbed his pack that held a change of clothes -- since he hated wearing this damn uniform -- and a couple other basic things they would need for the time being. Saying goodbye to Octavia wasn't easy at all. But he had to. He hugged her goodbye, turning and walking away from the camp of the people . . . their people. But they would be fine now. They were safe. And, he was needed elsewhere. Not only that, but he couldn't lead these people by himself.

He needed her to be here. He quickened his pace before she got too deep in the wooded area, for he knew that if Clarke didn't want to be found, she wouldn't be. When he saw her, they were out of sight from the others . . . no one would be able to stop them now. "Clarke," he said to make his presence known as he moved to walk alongside her. "What's our first stop?" His question so casual, so nonchalant . . . as if nothing was wrong. As if this was just a mere hunting trip or patrol. But he knew deep down, it wasn't. And that was something he was ok with, because she wasn't going to do this alone.

[Clarke Griffin]

The woods got thicker around her. She stopped, just before there was no turning back anymore, just before she reached the point of no return as they called it. It felt like she was standing at a crossroads. Now she had to decide where to go. Where would her path take her? Forward, left, right… or back? Clarke barely resisted the urge to look back, knowing she would just turn around. If she caught a glimpse of the place again, she might not be able to resist again. Even now she felt the urge to just be a child again and run to her mother, yet she wasn’t anymore. She couldn’t do that, not anymore. There could be no way back, not for her. Her decision had been made, no matter how hard it was, no matter if it hurt someone, it hurt her as well, but it was for the best. She couldn’t be the same person anymore. Clarke, at least the Clarke they knew, was dead. 

It was just a matter of where to go now, but did the decision really matter? She had no destination, she was floating, weightless into an unknown direction or at least it felt like it. She took a step to the left, deciding to walk as far away from the grounders she knew, the places she knew, no matter where to, even if there could never be a destination. It felt like the voice brought her crashing back to reality. Clarke stared at the man. She had just parted ways with him, honestly not expecting to see him again. In her mind the words ‘May we meet again’ had been another expression of ‘farewell’ of doubting they would actually ever meet again. But suddenly here he was, asking her what their first stop would be. She had no idea, still didn’t know where she was going, alone. 

“Go back, Bellamy.” She never stopped walking, hoping to get her message across to him. She wouldn’t stop. 

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She hardly looked at him, telling him to go back, continuing to walk. Bellamy paused only for a brief second before he too started moving again, but this time, he grabbed her arm to stop her. "Hey," he stated sternly, turning her so that she was looking at him. His grip on her arm remained, not about to let her walk away from him again. "You don't get to decide this for both of us," he began to say.

"I pulled that lever with you, Clarke. What gives you the right to decide that we go through this by yourself?" She didn't get to decide that, especially since he didn't think it was a good idea. "I told you that you didn't have to do this alone, that you weren't alone. So whether you like it or not, Clarke, I'm here." He wasn't just going to let her wander off to face the demons alone. The people in Mount Weather that they killed were his friends. The children . . . all of them. He was responsible too. This wasn't all on her. She didn't carry this burden alone and he wasn't going to let her do so. What were the words she had said to him? I bare it so they don't have to? Well, he was right here with her, no matter what she said.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke stopped, but only because he made her stop. She looked at Bellamy, eyes fixed on his expression, even though she knew she shouldn’t as it only made her and her determination to do what was right for her and the others weaker. How could he do this? Did he not see that she needed this, that their people needed him, more so than they needed her. She had done too much, seen too much, felt too much and so did they. She couldn’t face it, she was too weak. She was too weak to face him. To her she had said her farewell, but he wouldn’t let her go. Over the time she had known him well enough to know he’d not let her go now that he made up his mind. 

The blonde nodded, it was all the response she was capable of in that moment, no words she could form feeling adequate to express her frustration, pain and gratitude at the same time. She had no words, but her body found a response where she didn’t. As Clarke turned around tears rolled over her cheeks. While had may have given him the silent permission to go with her – as if she could have stopped him – she did not want him to see her cry like this. She did not want him to see the faint trace of hopelessness in her eyes, so she walked ahead without a destination or a course, as long as she could hide the tears from him.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy waited for some sort of response from her. She just wordlessly nodded and then turned to keep walking forward. But despite her efforts to hide it, he saw the tears. It wasn't often he saw Clarke cry but that didn't mean she never did. He understood that need to suppress it, for they always had to appear strong in front of the others. They had to act with confidence and certainty. They couldn't show weakness with tears or become overly emotional.

So he was well aware what happened when all of that bottled up and then exploded. They had both been keeping it together during the journey back to Camp Jaha. But now they were away from the group. Now they were alone, separated from that need to be strong. And he wanted her to know that. "You don't have to hide, Clarke," he told her. "Just let it out." For she didn't need to fear any sort of judgment from him. "You can let it out," he added on, encouraging her, telling her she was safe to do so. It was needed, especially after everything she had endured. He would wait if she needed a minute, or several . . . whatever the case may be.

[Clarke Griffin]

She wasn’t hiding, she was running. While both wasn’t exactly good, there was a clear difference. She was giving their people a chance to heal while… well what exactly did she do? She could no longer look at their faces, probably not even at his. What she’d see would be the death she brought all of them. How could she let it all out or deal with it? It would break her, once and for all. She couldn’t afford it, not out here. One day she might need to make similarly bad decisions. She deserved to die, so it was better if she remained dead inside, however one managed that. She just needed to numb herself. 

“I’m doing what’s right, Bellamy.” Right for her at least. And for the others. “I have no place there anymore.” Clarke kept on walking. And she had to. She couldn’t stop to face him or she might break. Maybe she could run far enough for this to no longer matter. As if she could run from this. As if there was a place where she could be whole again, but it was impossible. She could no longer be whole again. She didn't seven see how those tears would ever stop. “What about Octavia?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She was doing what was right? "According to who?" He immediately questioned, still following her. "You think you can just run away from this Clarke, and that it's better that way?" It wasn't. And he knew that because he too was responsible for killing those people. "You think it's right to distance yourself from the people who care about you?" Because they did. All of them did. She thought she didn't have a place there anymore, and he wished she could see how wrong she was. He pulled that lever with her, believing that they would get through it together. He did it, so that she didn't have to be alone. And yet, she was trying to be alone in it all. Which was why Bellamy couldn't let her.

"What about your mother, Clarke?" He questioned. What about Abby? She had come down here for her, Clarke had saved her and now . . . she may lose her. Bellamy knew that he too had tried to run away from this problems, from his demons, but Clarke had saved him. She had convinced him not to . . . why couldn't he do the same for her? He felt so helpless and he hated that. She then asked about Octavia, and Bellamy fell silent only for a brief moment. "Octavia doesn't need me. She can take care of herself." He would always be protective over his sister, but part of that had been channeled toward their people . . . and now a lot of that protectiveness was chaneled toward Clarke -- which was something that had grown over their time together. "Damn it, Clarke! Why can't you even look at me?!" He demanded, knowing he snapped, his voice agitated when he shouldn't be. When he should be more sensitive to her. He was hurting too . . . and, he just wanted her to be able to look at him.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke listened to his side of the story, to him questioning if it was right what she did, by their people. If it was okay for her to distance herself from them? What about her, though? What about what she needed? Was she not allowed to need this? No of course not. She was the leader now, nothing more. Clarke herself didn’t matter anymore. To no one. She was a pawn in a game she never signed up for. She didn’t want to be this. She was done playing this game. She was done protecting everyone when only one person was willing to protect her, which was spectacularly shown here. Clarke stood and waited, waited for his explosion. 

“I’M NOT GOING BACK!” she snapped in return. This time she looked at him, not caring about the tears. She couldn’t even explain this to herself. “I'm never going back. Almost a thousand people died at my hands, Bellamy. The way they looked at me… what they said and felt. I’ve been forced to do things I would have never done two months ago. I’m not myself anymore.” And she didn’t even know if the Clarke Griffin she was could be brought back or if she would remain this person, this hollow shell of who she once was. “I will never be myself again. The things I was willing to do. You say I abandon our people, but look around you. Who’s here? Who’s missing us? What about what I need? I can’t see their faces anymore. I can’t face what I did. I’m not Lexa. I’m… I’m not Lexa. I can’t just walk away from this slaughter and be fine. I’m dead inside, Bellamy. Let me be dead. Go home.” She just wanted her peace. She wanted to deal and stop hurting. She just wanted it all to stop hurting, but how? All she knew now was to run.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She had indeed stopped, and snapped back at him. Good. He wanted a reaction from her; any sort of reaction. He knew that on some level, he supposed was trying to convince her to go back . . . but she made it abundantly clear that she had no intention of doing that. She then went on about how almost a thousand people ded at her hands; how she had been forced to do things she never otherwise would have done. He remained silent. He stayed silent during her entire explanation. She finished by saying she was dead inside, and he knew that feeling all too well, her last words telling him to go home. He remained silent for a few moments before he spoke. "How dare you, Clarke," he stated, his voice not raised by strong. "At your hands; they died at your hands? What about our hands because I damn well pulled that lever with you." And he wasn't going to let her forget it.

"You think you're the only one who feels that? The only one who's allowed to run away?" He had done far worse and no matter what he did now or how many people he saved . . . it would never undo the past. "I told you before that who we were and who we need to survive are two very different things, and this all shows that." Words he would stand by, because these were not the people they wereon the Ark. "We did this. We slaughtered those people together to save our own. So whatever haunts you, haunts me too. Those people I killed by trashing the radio, thats on me. That's blood on my hands. But are we just supposed to sit and dwell in the past, or focus on the present, on surviving." He could feel the sting of tears in his eyes as they became slightly moistened, but he didn't dare let them fall. Instead he took a step toward her, standing directly in front of her. "I knew that pulling that lever would kill you." She was dead on the inside? Well so was he. "Which was why I couldn't let you die alone." His words spoken as a single tear fell from his eye.

[Clarke Griffin]

It broke her inside, just a little more, to hear him speak like that. But what gave her the rest was the tear. The blonde put her hand on his cheek, a finger brushing the tear away, while her own were still falling, probably would until she had no more tears to cry. She knew she had to walk away from him, because he would heal her, force her to address what she had become. She knew she didn’t deserve him. And she knew he deserved so much better than her, yet here he was. He wasn’t going away. But she still couldn’t go back. Clarke knew the faces of the others would break her further and cause them pain. She couldn’t face to be the source of that pain, not yet.

Still words escaped her. She just could not voice it, knowing that whatever she could say, would not be enough, not for this. No words could express what she felt, for him, in this moment or about him staying. She didn’t deserve it, his kindness and support. He shouldn’t have pulled the lever with her. As she stared at him his face transformed, cuts appeared, burns appeared, he transformed into a living corpse, the picture of the nightmare that had haunted her sleep for a bit. She couldn’t look at him anymore. Clarke just wrapped her arms around him, held him. “I’m sorry.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy wasn't entirely sure what her reaction was going to be. He found himself fearing it. Fearful that she would walk away again, leaving him unsure as to what to do. He would go with her, no doubt, but had what they done ruined them? Not just as individuals but the relationship that they had with one another? Bellamy wouldn't regret putting his hand on top of hers in that moment though. The guilt was weighing so heavily on Clarke and the only thing he had to comfort her with . . . was the fact that she hadn't been the only one to pull it.

He watched her silently, as she looked at him, and then apologized. He hadn't meant to draw an apology out of her, but he had to admit that at least she was saying something. She was looking at him. And soon enough, she put her arms around him. He returned the gesture, wrapping his own arms around her smaller frame. He closed his eyes, not wanting to break down anymore.

Damn him for showing his vulnerability but at the same time, if there was anyone he felt safe showing his weakness in front of . . . it was most certainly Clarke. "Leave everyone else if you need to," he began to say in a low voice. He could understand that. Her reason to leave them. "But please, just don't leave me." He was pleading with her again. It hadn't worked the first time, but he needed her. And he hoped that she understood that; that she accepted that. At least enough for her to no longer reject his presence and decision to come with her.

[Clarke Griffin]

He was pleading with her. Clarke hated it. She hated to hear how he almost sounded broken, as if he actually needed her. Maybe he did. Maybe he needed her to heal or to keep himself together. Whatever it was, she knew she couldn’t leave him. Not anymore. Clarke held onto him a bit longer. Who knew when the next time would be that life would allow them to just hold each other again? Who knew where life was taking them? Slowly she let go of him. She regarded him for a moment, biting her lower lip. She couldn’t leave him, so she reached for his hand. She couldn’t speak, fearing how broken her own voice would be.

Instead she just turned with a nod, still clinging to his hand. She couldn’t let go, not now. Part of her argued that she needed him to feel she wasn’t leaving, but a great reality was: She didn’t want to let go anymore. She felt the electricity in their touch, as if they were two magnets connecting after being away from too long. Clarke just walked. Initially she was leading him, but soon she fell into step with him, walking side by side for however long they walked. Eventually she saw an small clearing with a spring ahead. “We should stop here for the night.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Once again, Bellamy was unsure as to what her reaction would be. She didn't say anything though, yet her actions spoke plenty. She took his hand and they walked together. Her gesture was a sign that she wasn't leaving him, that she was accepting his presence. And that, was all he wanted. He believed that together, they could get through this. That had after all been his plan the entire time. They both pulled the lever, they both would suffer the consequences. And hopefully, eventually heal enough to be able to function. He encouraged the silence, saying nothing but just following her, content to go wherever she would lead them.

Eventually they reached a small clearing with a spring, and she finally broke the silence, saying that they could settle here for the night. It really did seem like the perfect spot. "Looks good," he pointed out. There was at least water, and then they could easily find food as well. He doubted the Grounders would be so ready to attack them right now. And the Mountain Men were no longer a threat -- they had all seen to that. So the only thing they need be cautious about, were whatever other creatures lurked in the woods. Bellamy lowered his pack to the ground, really wanting to change out of these damn clothes at some point. He felt as if it was stained with the blood of everyone they had killed . . . and hated what the attire represented.

[Clarke Griffin]

It was only then that Clarke noticed how terribly unprepared she was. She had brought nothing, no blanket, no change of clothes, only a knife and a gun, that would not nearly be enough. But it didn’t matter. Somehow she would make it. They would make it. Maybe initially, unknowingly she had planned on it being a suicide mission. She was dead inside already. There was nothing left inside her to break after all. The only thing people could still hurt her with, was now by her side, despite her wanting to leave him behind. He was still here. She stood and watched him move with security, practiced moves getting the job done. He was a person, who permitted no bullshit, no unnecessary detours. He got things done. He had power. 

The blondes gaze traveled from his back, down to his strong arms, capable of easily caring someone over long distances, to his legs, back up do his shoulder. She remembered how he held her, securely, but not nearly hard enough. He was so powerful, he could hold her broken pieces back together, make her whole for just a moment, make her… come back to life, for just a short moment. All she needed to do… Clarke didn’t know how her mind worked that way, but she opened the zipper of her coat and dropped that to the ground as she kept watching him move. She doubted anyone would come into this remote part of the woods, to this spring. Her pants came off next, quickly followed by the gloves and her shirt. Finally, as all was carefully placed upon the coat, she pulled her bra and panties off, to stand there completely naked. Clarke gave herself the luxury of breathing in deeply once more, before she moved forward to him. There was no sound beneath her bare feet, nothing to indicate her moving until she touched his shoulder. 

“Bellamy.” She let her hands go to his cheek, gently making him turn around until she was face to face with him. Placing both hands on his cheek she pulled him towards her, engaging him in a heated and hungry kiss. She poured her need into the kiss, hoping he would understand the nonverbal cue that she needed him. Still, as she pulled away, she still stared into his eyes. “Take me, Bellamy. Take me.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

As this place was agreed upon, Bellamy was rummaging through his pack. He hadn't brought much, but it would be adequate for at least tonight. Then they would have to figure things out in the morning. All he could think though was that at least she wasn't alone. At least he hadn't just sent her out here in the wilderness, with all the dangers luring about. He heard the zipper of her coat, assuming that she was going to get more comfortable. He didn't look up. Not until he felt her hand on his shoulder and her speak his name, which him to face her. When he did, he froze. This . . . was certainly not what he was expecting.

She was fully nude, standing before him and he couldn't stop his gaze from lingering over her, taking in the sight of her perfectly formed body. He swallowed, not out of nervousness but from the feelings that were arising from seeing her in this way. Before he had a chance to speak, her hands moved to his cheek and she pulled him in for a kiss. For a moment, he paused, as if unsure how to react. But it only took seconds for him to recover himself and he returned the kiss, deepening it, coaxing her mouth open with his own.

The need to feel something was consuming him, and she was certainly making him feel . . . a lot of things. Heated desire being one of the more intense ones. This wasn't a simple, gentle kiss. It was fill with passion, hunger . . . need. And he felt the instant deprivation of it when she pulled away. But her words seemed to ignite a whole new wave of things, telling him to take her. Normally, he wouldn't object. When a beyond beautiful woman was standing before him, fully unclad, telling him to take her . . . well, only a fool would decline.

Hell, it had happened with Raven; he'd told her that he wasn't the guy to tell her that she wasn't thinking straight . . . and he should be that guy now. For Clarke. "Clarke," he began to say, his voice deeper than usual from the burning desire he felt for her. A burn, that was turning into an ache. Damn it. This wasn't just any woman in the camp. This wasn't just someone he could have physical relations with and then forget about, or move on from them. This was Clarke. But he felt so vulnerable right now. And her kiss, allowed him to feel something other than guilt, pain and self loathing. He wanted to feel that. And . . . maybe this was what they both needed. "I want to," he admitted. He leaned forward, pausing just before their lips would have touched as he breathed against her.

"I want you." His eyes were only half open, losing himself in this moment. His hand moved to her bare back, running down it. God her skin was so soft, so warm. So, perfect. "You might regret this." That was as much as he could say; as far as he could go to tell her she wasn't thinking straight. But neither was he.n "And I don't want you to." He wasn't going to last much longer in his attempt at self control. It wasn't something he usually exercised. But for her, he felt the need to. Even if it was just a few seconds to let her think before there was no going back. Before he was completely lost in her embrace . . . which was happening fairly quickly.