You Are Not Alone

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Okay. Okay? Bellamy had no idea what to make of that response. What he was all too aware of was her body language. He was all too in tune with it and . . . he wasn't sure what it was. Perhaps it was him overthinking it, but his gut was telling him that something felt, off. He didn't usually just have sex with a woman and walk off . . . especially when it came to Clarke.

Yet things didn't feel as, comfortable as they should be. No, they weren't as comfortable as he wanted them to be. She spoke of how they would need a fire, and he sat up again, this time, reaching for his shirt and pull it over his head as he rose to his feet. Fire. Threat of exposed skin. It was all so technical compared to the attempt of flirtation he had offered . . . that had backfired miserably.

Maybe he shouldn't have done this; he shouldn't have taken her. He no longer knew what this meant for them, but he supposed it shouldn't matter. When he had decided to come with her, he didn't expect this. He wasn't coming with her because he expected her to have sex with him. So really, nothing should have changed. And yet, he felt like it had. "I'll collect sticks for the fire," he said as he walked into the wooded area, not straying too far to leave her alone. He just . . . didn't know waht to make of this, of them.

The look he had seen in her eyes after they both came down from the euphoric aftermath . . . the way she responded to his advances . . . maybe this really was just about a quick fix. A way for her to, as she had said, feel alive. For him, this was the first time he had been with a woman that he felt a deep, emotional connection with. Maybe it was more one sided than he had initially thought. And he couldn't hold her at fault or blame her for that. He understood. He understood completely.

[Clarke Griffin]

She felt so confused and small as he left and got dressed. Had she wanted to leave, she could make a run for it now, but Clarke didn’t. She cared for him, deeply, but she knew she was damaged, broken. It was so easy for her to make mistakes right now. Clarke felt like she should calculate her steps, so she would not hurt him in this. He had been through too much already. The both of them. For a moment, after he was gone, Clarke considered getting dressed. But then she questioned why. Why should she? Bellamy had seen and felt her, why hide from him? The nature didn’t care, animals did not care, but being naked against him, would give both of them more warmth. Maybe that was for the better. Clarke sat up as he collected wood. Her gaze wandered to the water. Why could nothing be as easy as just living? Why did humans have to have consciences and hearts? Why was this not easy?

She wanted to let him have her in any way he wanted to have her, but what if she was too broken for him? What if he could not take her, if she and her baggage was too much? What if this was all wrong? She might be pushing him away already. He had left so easily. But Clarke waited for him to return. And then she spoke up. “I don’t want to hurt you.” She began. Clarke wrapped her arms around her legs, making herself small. It was such a simple statement, yet so true. She didn’t want to hurt him, just because she was confused and overwhelmed. She should have spoken to him before she let her need overtake. But she noticed his reaction. “Bellamy, I … I hope you understand that… it’s okay to be affectionate. I’m sorry I don’t know how to … deal right now. I don’t… know how to. I just don’t want you to be hurt.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy didn't take longer than he needed to. Once he collected an adequate amount of sticks and whatever else he needed, he returned to the clearing. He noticed that Clarke hadn't dressed -- not that he had any complaints about that. But wondered if she was cold. Or perhaps just numb. He moved to where she was seated, and starting assorting the sticks into a pile. Her words caused him to pause, gaze set on the task at hand but his mind processed what she was saying.

The guilt continued to build in him for making her feel like she had to apologize. He was the one who had forced his company on her by following her. And yet, here she was apologizing to him, afraid of hurting him. "You have nothing to apologize for, Clarke," he began to tell her as his eyes moved to meet hers. "You won't hurt me. And, I don't want to hurt you." Though he may have. Pulling her close like this and then pulling away. He should be following her lead, what she needed. He had developed a dependancy on her, an emotional one. And that was part of why he couldn't bare to remain at the camp without her.

"I'm here for you, in whatever way you need or want. You don't have to explain anything. I shouldn't have . . . " He paused again. He had never been with a woman that he felt such a strong connection and bond with. Clarke was the first in that sense, and he didn't know where it left him. But he supposed that neither of them were in a place to define it right now. "Made you feel like I have certain expectations. I don't. It's just . . . being with you, touching you . . . it made me feel something other than pain." And perhaps he had been too greedy for more, not realizing her own emotional state. Yes. It was selfish of him. They were both in a fragile state of mind, and he shouldn't push it. As he had told her just now in response to her words . . . he didn't want to hurt her either.

[Clarke Griffin]

Clarke nodded, hating every moment of his explanation. Why did he feel like he needed to do that? Why did he feel like this was what they could need? This had to be her fault, right? Well of course. She made so many mistakes. She could not go back on any of her decisions, but Clarke was aware that there was so much she could damage, so much at stake with him. Why could they not just rest? Let the world be the world and rest, together. Without thinking there were any thoughts to their touches, any consequences to any of it. There were, of course, Clarke knew it. Just for now she wanted sweet oblivion.

“It made me feel something else, too. But Bellamy… I can’t think right now.” It was the truth. Maybe he would understand. Maybe he would allow her to… just be, to not feel consequences or pain for the time being, because those could hurt the both of them and that was something she wanted to avoid at all costs. This was the entire purpose of running after all. To escape her thoughts and the consequences of it all. She needed that so desperately. She held out her hand, aware of her state of undress, still, but who cared? If he wanted to have her again, he could. If he just wanted to sleep, she would curl up around him. She just hoped he understood that right now, she was not the material to be anything but someone close to him. But to put responsibility of something else on her? Clarke didn’t know how that was supposed to work right now.

“I’m broken, Bell. We both are. I can’t think straight. My mind makes no sense. I want you, I want to be close at the same time my mind says I don’t deserve it. And neither do you deserve those mixed signals from me. If I could make sense of it, I would. But I can’t. Do you think you can handle me like that?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

At least he could find some reassurance in the fact that their actions allowed her to feel something too. That it wasn't totally one sided. Despite her being the one to initiate it, he knew there was a risk that it was too late for her to feel anything. But that hadn't been the case. And he found himself relieved by this. When she held out her hand, he took it, moving to sit next to where she was positioned before listening intently to her. The first words she said . . . well, he should have expected them but he still wished he didn't feel broken. This place had made them do things, unimaginable things. How much more could they even take? How much longer did they have to fight to survive for?

To hear that she wanted him . . . that was all he needed to hear; it was all he needed to know that it was good he was here. That they could get through this together -- which had been why he had taken a part in the action of pulling that lever. "If you don't deserve it, then neither do I." She couldn't take all the blame. He wouldn't let her. He turned to look at her, wanting her to know that he meant his enxt words. "If I couldn't handle this Clarke, I wouldn't have come with you." He hadn't expected things to happen like this . . . but life on Earth had a way of throwing them curveballs. So damn many of them. "The only way we're gonna get through this, is together." He hadn't been able to stand the thought of her doing this on her own. Pulling that lever, leaving the camp. This wasn't all on her.

Who knows if they could even get through it. All he knew was that he'd rather be with her than without. He'd rather try to get through this with her, than on his own. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, trying to force a smile but that was exactly how it had come out: forced. "We got this." What other choice did they have? "And I'm here, princess. With you. For you. Whatever you need me to be. I'm not going anywhere." She wouldn't scare him off. Nothing she said or did could do that. Because . . . well, she gave him strength. She had always given him that strength and confidence and so perhaps he was doing this as much for her as himself. He just didn't even know anymore. All he knew, was that he'd rather be with her than without her.

[Clarke Griffin]

They got this. Except Clarke wasn’t sure they did. They could survive, yes. Both of them were strangely good at this, surviving, especially together. They made quite the team together, so she was rather sure that at the end of each day she would find her heart still beating, as long as he was still there. Clarke stared at their hands. Those hands had pulled one lever, one lever only and that had killed so many people. She had killed before that. She had killed by not doing enough, not trying hard enough to convince Lexa of what they were doing. She should have stopped her, but she knew of her deepest fears it would seem. She had her at a weak moment and she used it. Clarke let her head sink to Bellamys shoulder. She needed the closeness again, even though it scared her. He told her he’d be what she needed to be, but the truth was heartbreaking, even to herself. Because she remembered the last time someone she cared about died. She had seen Finn even after his death. Since then Clarke had seen so much worse than that. That had only been the beginning. Would she even remember Bellamys death? Would she feel the difference.

“I need you to be real.” She replied. “I… when Finn” Clarke stopped herself. She couldn’t say it like that. He didn’t just die. He got killed. “When I killed Finn, I saw him. I saw him so often after. He was there as if he was real, Bellamy. I… I don’t know if I would even notice if you weren’t real. You felt real. This was… real. I just need you to continue to be real.” Clarke stopped. She hoped he would understand what she meant. She hoped it was not too crazy.

“We can survive. Here. Here is actually perfect. We could build something that will last for the winter. We can keep warm together. With a bit of luck we can set this up so we won’t have to hunt in winter. We should go to the dropship tomorrow.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

Bellamy listened to her speak of needing him to be real . . . bringing up Finn. He knew that was something that haunted her. She done what was best for him in that moment. She had shown him mercy. It wasn't easy to watch him die. Especially for Clarke and Raven. Bellamy hated that they had to endure his loss in such a way . . . but Clarke had done the act. And while it was the best thing for him in that moment, it took a damn strong person. Bellamy hadn't even been able to kill Atom. Yet Clarke, she had killed a man that she deeply cared for. He admired her for that; admired her strength. She was a lot stronger than he was, and she deserved better than what she was given. He couldn't do anything to erase the pain of Finn and what his death did to her. He could only provide whatever semblance of comfort she allowed him to.

His hand went to her cup chin, slightly tilting her head up toward him as he lowered his to touch her lips in a soft, but emotional kiss. He let it linger for a few moments before pulling away. "I'm real, Clarke," he assured her. "This is real." What they had. Neither were in a good mental place right now . . . but they could be. They heal from this together. "And I'm not going anywhere," he further assured her. He wouldn't leave her. Not a chance in hell. She then spoke of surviving here, of building something, of going to the drop ship. He leaned her against him once more as he took in her words. "That sounds good," he told her. "Surviving. Together. Here, at the drop ship, wherever." He paused for a moment, closing his eyes to take in the feeling of holding her, of having him so close to him. "As long as we are together." Because he couldn't function without her.

[Clarke Griffin]

Would a ghost haunting her not say the same thing? That he was real, that she could trust it, just so she could not see through it? Or would a ghost tell her she was being haunted. Would it want her to be tortured like that? No, not Bellamys ghost. Bellamys ghost would not do that to her. He could not do that to her. Bellamy would not be a mean ghost. He was not someone who would haunt people to harm them, he would protect them. Bellamy would tell her if he was dead. It made this easier. It made her leaning on him easier. It made kissing him easier. When did that become a part of them? Kissing like it was the most casual thing in the world? And it felt so good. It made her feel something other than horror and burning passion, almost similar to peace, if only for a fleeting moment. 

“It… already means the world to me that you came after me.” She didn’t know back then how much it would hurt her to be apart. But now she had a semblance. She was with him. She had this fleeting moment of peace, she had this moment of burning passion that was bringing her down and building her up at the same time. Clarke sighed into their contact. He had no idea how much it meant that he came with her. She couldn’t stay, but she didn’t have to part with him. Out here, they could heal first and then return. Together they could do this. Together… but how together. “How together exactly, Bellamy?”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Clarke Griffin

whatever

THE HELL WE WANT

She expressed what it meant to her that he had come after her. "I wasn't going to let you do this alone." Together. He wasn't going to let her pull that lever alone, and he wasn't going to let her shoulder the burden alone. If he had let her go . . . well, what would have been the point of taking that blame with her? She would have left him, he would have been left without her. No. They did this together, they would get through this together. He doubted he could function otherwise, without her. And he feared what would happen if he tried to. It wouldn't result well, that much was for sure. That was the key word though: together. Through thick and thin, heaven and hell . . . they were in this, together.

That had always been the way. He wasn't about to disrupt that now. She then asked a questiona bout, how together. He knew what she meant. A reference to their relationship, now perhaps further complicated by having had sex. He didn't regret it. How could he? But, he also knew it wasn't fair to her. "I'm whatever you need me to be, Clarke," he told her truthfully. She had lost her best friend after shortly coming down to Earth. She had lost Finn. Both were men who loved her . . . how she felt about them, he was uncertain. But at the very least, she cared about them deeply.

He knew that such losses would take time to recover from. And he wasn't about to push her into another complicated situation. "Whether that's a friend, a punching bag--" The latter said with a slight tone of teasing. "-- or something more." The option was there, but he would not push for it. To him, being with her wasn't just about sex. It never would be. But if she needed that physical release, if she trusted him enough to use hi as that outlet . . . he would do whatever he could to make this easier for her. "You don't need to define it." Perhaps that would help set her mind at ease. "Let's just take everything day by day." Just like they always did.

[Clarke Griffin]

Whatever she needed him to be. Earlier she needed him to make her feel alive. That would probably look a bit different later. But right now this was the perfect reply to a tricky question. She didn’t know what she wanted. She knew it would take her a while to think straight again and determine it, so she didn’t expect herself to know what she wanted just right now. It was just better that way. It was better to take every day as it happened and not make plans, because their previous plans never led to this. They never led to the burden they shared or them walking away from their people, though in truth it was her walking away and him following and then them having sex on the forest floor. Damn They never planned any of this, but she was not going to regret it either.

“We really don’t need to define it yet.” She agreed. Those social structures were not around them yet. “For now we can just be Bellamy and Clarke, a little broken, a little messed up or maybe more, but just Bellamy and Clarke.” Just Bellamy and Clarke. It sounded right on her lips. It sounded right to her. Just Bellamy and Clarke. They were once leaders. Then friends. Now they were just Bellamy and Clarke. Maybe that was enough. She thought it might be enough. “Do you think just Bellamy and Clarke will be enough? Living day bay day is enough… whatever the hell we want?” Yes, it was enough. It had to be enough. He was certainly enough for her.

Bellamy Blake