You're All I Never Knew I Needed

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Gena Martin

all of me

LOVES ALL OF YOU

The trip had been dread for a reason, one proved the moment Bellamy had gotten there. It was the first run to Mount Weather, and Lincoln had explained the risks of going, stating that it would appear as if they were colonizing the Mountain and thus, anger the Grounders. It was why Bellamy had gone. To help ensure that everyone got back safely. It was more logic than emotion that drove his actions. But as soon as he had seen it in the distance, as soon as they had stepped out from the jeep. It had hit him. And it hit him hard. It wasn't enough that he stared at the facility that held so many painful memories.

He initially scouting the surrounding area with Octavia, knowing she was giving him an out from going inside. But he couldn't ignore it forever. And going inside had been worse. So much worse. He had seen them. The bodies. It made his entire figure go numb, unable to react to anything. Unable to say anything. He had just stared at them all. The images that haunted his mind were before him. The blood he bathed in was drowning him. All he had been able to do was stare. The rerst of the outing had been a blur. It wasn't a long one though. They collected the necessities, filled the cars with as much as they could and promptly drove back.

Bellamy hadn't said a word. What could he even say? No words formed in his mind. Only pain. Pain that consumed him. The reminder of his murderous actions; evident . . . of the fact that he was a monster. He silently got out of the jeep once it was parked, not talking to anyone, not saying a single word. Instead, he planned to just make his way to his apartment and regain his composure.

Yet, that was not where his feet ended up planting themselves. He hadn't even quite noticed where he was, until he realized that he had knocked on the door of the one person that he wanted to see. The one person he needed to say. Becaues she was his solace. His save haven. His serenity. And the only peace of mind he hoped to receive. When the door opened however, he still couldn't speak. He wasn't even sure what expression was on on his face. He only stared at her, looking at her, drawn to her just as he always was because . . . he needed her. In ways, emotional ways, that he had never experienced before.

[Gena Martin]

Making a whole new place her home wasn’t easy, what made it a lot easier was her best friend. He was the constant she never thought she would come to need, but with the Ark crashing down everything had changed. Her immediate surrounding was gone and while she was glad to know her mother didn’t suffer a part of her was glad she didn’t have to think of her too often, people distracted her from it and so she was left with those thoughts at night, where she could deal, slowly. She missed her. Gena still found herself turning around to find her, but not seeing her no longer made the smile disappear. The smile on Genas face remained due to her friend Bellamy. He made it easy for her, maybe it was because she was worried for him and thus distracted from her sorrows. What he has been through was more important to her. Gena was arranging paper and the new tablet in her room, when she heard a knock on the door. 

Opening it, she saw Bellamy, the man she had just thought about. The Bellamy she saw, was one she knew. Things had happened in his life, that left him looking as hollow as he looked right now. It took so much work on his part to come back from it and he always did. He always managed to pick himself up. Gena knew where he was today. Someone had mentioned it in passing. Gena was meant to go to Mount Weather at one point as well, but this time she had sat it out. Now she was glad she did. She might not have been a help to Bellamy during it at all, but she could try to now, because what had caused this was not around right now. She wrapped her arms around him gently, holding him. One hand went to the back of his head, massaging his scalp, while the other kept holding him. “It’s okay, Bellamy.” She whispered against him. “It’s okay. You’re here, you’re safe, you’re home. I got you.” She didn’t know what exactly to say immediately, but she guessed he needed contact and support now and that she could give. She could hold him and be a physical as well as an emotional support. Making a mental note to cancel her shift that night, she gently guided him inside, wanting to make him as comfortable as possible.

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Gena Martin

all of me

LOVES ALL OF YOU

It was as if she knew exactly what he needed it. And this was not infrequent. She always knew what he needed. She knew when to make him smile, when to offer words or actions of support, or when to just sit there in silence because all he needed in that moment was her company. She had helped him through some of the hardest times in his life . . . perhaps the hardest in fact. He was dependant on her. Emotionally. It was terrifying. Not because he was opening himself up to her, but because he feared what this meant for her. He feared that he would trap her inside his world of darkness. He was a monster and he wanted her to remain untarnished by him. He didn't want her to be sullied by his darkness; but all the horrific things he had done.

She was a piece of heaven in this world of hell . . . and he knew he was corrupting that. Yet he couldn't stop himself. She was constantly in his thoughts. He needed her in ways he had never needed anyone. And he longed to be that for her too. To love and be loved . . . that was certainly something. For wasn't it easier to hate him than to love him? It should be. It damn well should be. But he couldn't let her go. So the moment she wrapped her arms around him, he paused for only a brief moment, before his own arms wrapped around her. The hesitancy wasn't out of surprise or not wanting this. It was the fear of what it meant to allow himself it. So he held her, as if his life depended on it. No. That was incorrect. She held him. He closed his eyes, tilting his head down a little so that it was nestled against the planes of her shoulder.

He quietly sniffed, afraid to let the single tear in his eye slip . . . and even more fearful that it would not be the only one tonight. She had brought him inside her apartment, granting them the privacy he craved. Her words were as comforting as the gesture of holding him. They touched the very core of his heart -- a reminder that he still had one. That it didn't just consist of broken pieces. She made him feel whole. She made him feel alive. With her, he felt safe . . . which was why her words were perfect. Why he could acknowledge and accept them. Because she was right. He was safe with her. He was home with her. Unable to stop the tear, it finally slipped from his eye, as he clenched his jaw in futile attempt to stop it. He couldn't. Just like he couldn't let her go. Ever.

[Gena Martin]

The way he held her, held onto her really, gave away how bad it was. Bellamy was not one to cling to someone as if his life depended on it. His life really did not depend on it at all. But when he felt like it, it was bad and only human. He needed her far more than any other in Arkadia might need a drink. Bellamy deserved someone to be there for her. And she was touched he chose to come to her. It meant a lot. Gena hoped she would not disappoint him. He deserved happiness, even though it seemed far away not. Was it because of the mountain? She had never cared to ask for the full recount for what happened and would not do so now, because he needed to be able to do it at his paced, it was more evident than ever, how important this was. He needed to chose what he wanted to tell her and when.

Gena brought him to her couch, gently made him sit down, before she untangled herself from him, not for long, though. She had no intention to be away from him for long. She just grabbed a blanket to wrap around him. Then Gena lowered herself to her knees, untying his boots and pulling them off. She wanted to get him comfortable. Once she had him wrapped in the blanket, she slipped under as well, going back to wrapping her arms around her friend, holding him close, though lose enough to allow him to adjust the position to the one he needed the most and that was something Gena could not anticipate. 

“You’re safe.” She whispered again. “You can let it out, Bell. I’m not going to judge you. Let it all out or just… cuddle and have company. Whatever is best for you. But you’re safe. Everything will be fine.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Gena Martin

all of me

LOVES ALL OF YOU

It seemed that the more he held onto her, the more tears fell from his eyes. He hated it. He hated putting her in this position. Of burdening her with his own struggles. Of dragging her into his life, into his hell. A place she did not deserve to be. She was too good for it. Too wonderful to be having to deal with a monster such as himself. But . . . he couldn't push her away. Not like the others. She was special. There was something so different about her; he needed her. As right now proved. Each tear that fell from his eyes, was another shred of evidence to his weakness, to his past horrific actions.

But she didn't push him away. He knew she wouldn't . . . even though he also knew in his heart that she should. She should spare herself of this. But she did the exact opposite. Pulling from the embrace, he felt his arms go limp as he mindlessly followed her. He couldn't bring himself to think or speak. He sat on the couch, and watched her start to remove his boots. She was definitely too good for him. He should push her away now, before he trapped her. Would she still feel this way if he knew everything he had done? Everything about Mount Weather? Everything about the culling? Torturing a man? Causing his mother to die? He felt cold, craving her contact. The warmth it provided not externally, but internally. To the very core of his heart, his soul.

For she was all that reminded him that he still had one. He did nothing nor said anything. Just watched her as she took care of him, tended to him. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, not for a single second. She then joined him and his arms opened up for her, craving her. One arm draped around her from behind, holding her close. She told him he was safe. He felt safe with her. But . . . was she? What if he endangered her? What if he made her feel anything akin to unsafe. "There were children in there." He hardly thought about the words before saying them. They just came out. Thoughtlessly. But the weight of them were clear. Did she know that? Would she hate him? She should. But the words only made him hold her a little tighter, afraid of what she should do . . . selfish in the knowledge that she wouldn't.

[Gena Martin]

She was glad when she noticed him opening his arms to welcome her. It was a good sign. He was accepting of her attempts to comfort him, to hold him and take a bit of the burden from him, even though it was not actually possible. If she could, she would turn back time and change everything, take the burden off his shoulder and spread it along others. She saw how people looked at him, some looked up at him, one didn’t, but the majority, like her, knew how far he had gone, how far he was willing to go for his people and that spoke volumes. But at the end of the day Bellamy Blake was only human. He was a very caring human and he could only take so much until he broke. He tried to be strong, but even he sometimes needed someone to carry him, if he wanted to accept it or not. Gena ran her hand through his hair, trying to calm him. 

Usually she would expect him to remain silent, to cry and find his strength again. Him speaking was new, but not unwelcome. Speaking would allow for her to put his mind to rest in a way she was barely able to with just her arms and hands. Slowly she moved her hand from his hair to his cheek, gently stroking it as she looked into the eyes of a man, who had seen too much, felt too much and who was carrying a burden nobody should shoulder alone. 

“Their death is not on you, Bellamy.” She began. Yes, they had pushed the button or pulled the trigger that radiated the level they were on, killed them, but this was not on him, couldn’t be on him. It was much more complicated than this. Gena didn’t possess the arrogance to think she knew everything, but she had heard a few things about that. “Their death is on their president. You protected your people, you gave him the option to stop, he had every chance to stop this and continue the life in the mountain as they were used to. They had every chance to speak and ensure their peoples survival. They would have killed our people. They wouldn’t have stopped there, you know that. They would have come, taken us here, too, our children. You gave them the choice to live. He didn’t take it, their life is on him, not you. You are the reason the kids in Arkadia can run about and play football and laugh without fearing to be hurt. You are the reason they will experience the wonder of the first snow for the very first time. And you would have found a way to make the same happen for the children in Mount Weather, had they let you. Their death is not on you. Look at our children, Bellamy. Their survival is your achievment.”

Bellamy Blake

[Bellamy Blake]

Tag: Gena Martin

all of me

LOVES ALL OF YOU

Her hand on his cheek reminded him that he could feel warmth. That he wasn't completely cold and numb. Being in her embrace, reminded him of that. That he was somehow alive. That she kept him alive. Her words gave him that same reminder; that same hope to cling on to. She was that for him. She represented so much to him that he didn't even know how to explain it. Her words though . . . her words touched him to his very heart. He didn't deserve them. But she, didn't make him feel like a monster. It was so selfish to allow that for himself; to exempt himself for it. But . . . how couldn't he? He didn't. Not fully. It was an inner battle. But her mere voice, reminding him of that one thing: he did what he had to do. She told him that. She told him using logic and evidence.

He knew that. And yet, he always needed to hear that too. The children that played outside. The people that lived now. Why was it so damn hard to focus on the people who were alive rather than dwell on the ones that weren't. Clarke had told him that she couldn't see their faces every day. But he had to. He had to endure seeing him, reminding himself of what he'd done to get them here. Did he regret it? No. He would do it again had that been their only choice. He'd sacrifice his humanity, his soul for them. But Gena . . . gave all those things back to him. Her words only drew more tears to fall from his eyes, unable to stop him. Unable to stop the slight tremble in his breath as he sniffed. His futile attempt to suppress his feelings, to control them.

He couldn't. Not with her. It was why he came here. Because he felt safe her her. He could be vulnerable with her. She listed all these reasons here . . . the reason that their people -- that the children here -- were able to do so much. "You're the reason I'm still alive." The words just came out, thick with sincerity, spoken in a low voice audible by their close proximity. Because he meant it. He was alive because of her. Not in the physical sense; his words were deeper than that, evident in the way he said them. She saved his soul. She pieced back together his heart. He didn't think he'd survive Mount Weather, especially with Clarke's departure. But Gena . . . she had saved him. He turned his head, burying his fae it in the crook of her neck, just wanting to drown in her warmth. Wanting it to suffocate him so he couldn't breathe in the pain.

[Gena Martin]

He said she was the reason he was still alive, but Gena didn’t agree. She was far from that. He had saved himself as much as she saved him. The thing of it was that, had he not allowed her to take care for him, she would have not managed to do so. He was willing to let her help, so she could help him, without that, there would have been no way to help him. He was too stubborn to let anything happen against his consent, especially in this department. Gena let go of him slowly, reaching for his hands to hold them firmly as she looked at him. She would not take this lightly, because what he said meant a lot. It was more than she could hope for. She wanted him to be okay and it meant a lot, that he thought she was contributing to his wellbeing. It was why she now held his hands like that. 

“You’re as much reason for that, as I am. You let me take care of you, Bell. You’re fighting, without you fighting to stay alive, nobody could have done that. I’m glad, though, that me being here means a lot to you.” Because that was what lay under what he said. This was what was underneath his words. She loved him, she’d always do that for him. So Right now she needed to take care of him again. He needed to be able to relax and let go of his responsibilities. Maybe she could take his mind off of what he had seen in Mount Weather, though she had not yet found the perfect solution for that. 

“Now, how about you and I take our minds off of Mount Weather?” She had half an idea already, but it would need a bit of fine tuning to turn into a full, real idea.

Bellamy Blake