Tell Me It's Just A Nightmare

[Tara C. Donovan]

Thirty minutes, an hour… Tara had no idea how much time had passed since she came back home after school, happy at the idea of spending some time alone with her father but it didn’t go as she thought it would… When she entered, nobody seemed to be there so Tara called for his father and then decided to check the room but when she opened the door, she didn’t expect to see what she found… Her father had hung himself in his room, only letting a letter for her behind him.

That was why right now she wasn’t even able to say what happen after this awful discovery, she wasn’t able to say what she did. All she knew was that now some guards were speaking to her mother, they had also wanted to speak to her but she couldn’t say anything, she was so chocked, she loved her father, he wasn’t like her mother, he showed her love. But she wasn’t crying, she just couldn’t say or do anything, she was sure she was realizing, still hoping it was just a nightmare and she was going to wake up even if in her heart she knew it was the reality.

She was lost in her thoughts, remembering all the great moments she spent with her father, regretting not having been able to spend more time with him and wondering how she was going to do now that he was gone, when she felt a presence next to her so she turned her head and saw the man who had just arrived, he came to sit right next to her. She had never seen him but she guessed he was some doctor or nurse who had been called by the guards because they couldn’t interrogate her and they were only interested by what Tara had to say so she needed to be able to answer their questions.

@severitysoftly

[Deleted]

Jackson wasn't entirely certain what he was supposed to say. He'd been briefed on the situation. The young girl's father had killed himself, and she wasn't speaking to anyone. She was quite obviously in shock, and Jackson could relate. His mother had suffered an illness and died at the same age Tara was now. He hadn't been shocked at first. He had had some warning at least, and he'd sobbed, clutching her in his arms until the adults--he couldn't remember who they were: guards, Ark officials, doctors?--around him pulled him away screaming so they could take her body. The shock didn't hit him until much later, but it always came. It hit everyone--he'd learned enough in his training by now to be sure of that--but the stages of grieving just never followed any particular order.

Maybe they asked him to talk to her because he was young. He'd only just been made a nurse months before. Maybe his name had come up because they knew his history. And, while Jackson understood the pain of losing a parent, he couldn't imagine losing one by their own hand. But he also knew she at least wouldn't wind up in the orphanage because of this. Still having her mother would help.

He sat next to her quietly, wondering what to say. He was often praised for his bedside manner, and seemed to have a knack with kids--especially the little ones, who he could turn from sobbing, scared messes to happy (or at least distracted and complacent) patients with a simple coin trick. But this wasn't exactly something a coin trick would help. "I'm Jackson," he said gently, looking over at her and lowering his head a bit at an attempt to catch her gaze. Normally he would offer his hand for her to shake, but people in shock were tricky to read, whether they would appreciate touch or not. "I'm one of the nurses here." He paused for a moment, then said, "I'm sorry for your loss." In his experiences so far, people either appreciated the condolences, or they were annoyed by what they felt were empty words. He hoped Tara fell into the former group... if she responded at all.

Tag: @taradonovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

The man came to sit quietly next to Tara and after a moment, he introduced himself, confirming her thoughts by saying that he was a nurse. Tara didn’t remember already having seen him at the hospital so she didn’t know if she could trust him or if he was only there to make her speak to the guards. But the fact that he wasn’t just speaking to her waiting for an answer but trying to catch her attention by catching her gaze made her feel that he wasn’t here for the guards but that didn't mean she could trust him, she didn't trust people that easily.

When he broke the silence by saying he was sorry for her loss, Tara just said "I can’t believe he’s gone…" as she closed her eyes feeling tears coming and re-opened them letting the tears running down her cheeks. Without noticing it, Tara reduced the distance between her and Jackson and just let her head coming to rest on the nurse’s shoulder. She released a breath before adding "I wish you could tell me it’s just a nightmare so I could just wake up, see him just in front of me and let him take me in his arm and say that everything is okay…" but she knew Jackson couldn’t say that, her father was gone, he left her alone with her mother and she didn’t know how she was going to bear up without him.

@severitysoftly

[Deleted]

Jackson's brows drew together into a frown at her reply, recognizing the disbelief in her words, the desire to deny the truth because it was easier. Almost nine years after his mother's death, even after allowing himself to open up to Abby after years of avoiding becoming close to anyone, he still sometimes felt like if he went back to the unit he'd shared with his mother so long ago, he might find her there, reading or playing chess against herself.

His eyes widened a little when she moved closer, resting her head against his shoulder. He was used to comforting people, but this was different than touching someone's shoulder or offering them a reassuring smile, less professionally distant, he supposed. But he didn't move away. Instead, he lifted his hand, hesitated a moment, then placed it over hers where it rested in her lap. This felt unusual, but she was a kid going through a heartbreak he understood all too well. "I wish I could tell you that," he admitted. "I wish that I could say it goes away, that one day it will be okay that he's gone, but I can't say that either... It does get a little easier, though. Eventually."

Tag: Tara C. Donovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

Tara couldn't understand how is father could have done that, why did he let her alone with her mother knowing what the woman did to her? She couldn't find a reason why he would have done that, maybe if her mother hadn't taken the letter he left for Tara before she could read it she would have an explanation but she would probably never had it. She guessed her mother had been afraid that someone read this letter and learnt the truth about what she did to her daughter.

Jackson placing his hand on hers made Tara realise that she unconsciously got closer to him and was now resting on his shoulder. But apparently it didn't disturb the nurse, so the girl didn't move, she needed to be comforted and her mother wasn't the one who would do that. When Jackson began to speak, Tara listened to him quietly, more tears running down her cheeks as he said that he wished he could told her that her father wasn't dead. What he said after made the girl understand that he had probably lost someone because he seemed to know what she felt too well for a simple nurse. The young girl took a small breath before asking "And how does it get easier? How am I supposed to get over it?". She was just hoping Jackson could give her a magic bullet even if she doubted of that.

@severitysoftly

[Deleted]

Jackson drew a deep breath and let it out, starting to relax a little more. He could handle this if it would help her, though he rarely talked about his mother. He didn't really have to talk bout her in specifics now, anyway. "I don't think you ever get over the death of someone you love," he answered, because there was no use in lying to anyone about that. He'd learned working with patients that sometimes the kindest thing to do was be honest, even when the answers weren't pleasant. "And unfortunately, the only thing that helps is time." Sometimes a lot of time. Jackson hadn't really started to heal at all until he'd gotten his own place after leaving the orphanage, and then letting Abby in.

He gave her hand a small squeeze. "You have your mother, though," he added. "And she has you. I know that can't make up for his loss, but you have each other to lean on at least."

Tag: taracdonovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

"How much time? Is there something that could make it take less time?" Tara asked as Jackson told her the only thing which helped was time, she was just looking for solutions so she won't feel empty and lost as she did right now for too long. But even if she was in state of shock, Tara could feel that her questions made Jackson a little uncomfortable, maybe he had never totally recovered from the death of the person he lost. And the girl suddenly felt a bit guilty "I'm sorry, I shouldn’t ask you all these questions..." she apologised before adding "It's just that I don't know how I'm going to do without him...".

When the nurse gave her hand a small gently squeeze, Tara looked up to him as he spoke and then muttered in a barely audible voice "I'm not sure I'm that lucky to still have her..." before speaking louder "My father is... was ... the one who brought me love, my mother had never and will probably never show me as much love as he did...".

@severitysoftly

[Deleted]

Jackson was going to say he didn't really know of anything to make it go faster, though maybe if there was a psychologist she could talk to, that might help. Jackson hadn't had that luxury, and didn't know if she would be able to either, but it was worth a shot. But before he said anything, she apologized. He shook his head. "Don't be sorry. It's incredibly difficult to lose a parent," he told her.

He next words concerned him, though, and he frowned a little. "Maybe she just doesn't show it very well," he said, which probably didn't help at all. And if Tara's mother was not affectionate already, he doubted that the events that had just occurred would help with that at all. "Is there anyone you can talk to? A family friend? Maybe a counselor or therapist. It helps." He felt like a hypocrite recommending she do something he'd refused to do, letting someone in, but it had always been easier to help others before himself.

Tag: Tara C. Donovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

What Jackson answered to Tara's apology made the young girl understand that the person he lost was one of his parents if it wasn't both of them. And it was sad to say but knowing that made her a little more comfortable because the nurse knew exactly how she felt right now. He had been in her place once so it was probably easier to him to find the good words. "Yes... but what I need to go through shouldn't be an excuse to remind you what you went through..." Tara answered to what Jackson told her.

As Jackson frowned and began to speak about Tara's mother, the latter one regreted having mentioned her because nobody could know about what she did to her or they may arrest the woman and leave the young girl orphan now that her father was dead so she needed to be careful about what she said. "Maybe..." the girl repeated as the nurse said that perhaps her mother just didn't know how to show her love. When the man asked her if she knew someone she could talk to, it didn't take Tara a while to think about what she was going to answer Jackson, "No, there's no one...". The girl couldn't think of someone she could talk to, plus if she went see a therapist or a psychologist, she may speak about her mother in a moment of inattention, it was too risky.

@severitysoftly

[Deleted]

Jackson squeezed Tara's hand again gently when she said what she needed to deal with shouldn't bring up his past struggle with his own loss. How could it not, though? He was sitting here with a girl who'd just lost her father at the same age he'd lost his mother. The likelihood of it not bringing up any bad memories for him was near zero. "It's okay," he reassured her. "Like I said, time heals. It's been nine years for me."

Jackson was further concerned by Tara's response to his next words, though. The girl seemed unsure about her own mother, and then said there wasn't anyone she could talk to. It seemed strange. There were people after Jackson's mother passed that had tried to reach out to him, family friends and such, and Jackson had pushed them away. It was hard to imagine there was no one like that for Tara. "I could set something up for you," he offered. Medical doctors networked with other types of doctors on the Ark. He could set her up an appointment for a therapist. He wasn't sure what kind of income her family had, though, and if they could afford it. "I can cover it, if you can't," he added after a moment. He'd never offered something like that, and felt slightly uncomfortable doing it, unsure if she would be insulted or anything, but that discomfort didn't show on his face as he gave her a gentle smile. He was making a better income now that he was a nurse, and if he could help a young girl heal and not turn out like him, he would. She wasn't technically his patient, so he didn't think there was any reason he shouldn't offer.

Tag: Tara C. Donovan

[Tara C. Donovan]

As Jackson squeezed her hand again, Tara thought it was good to have someone here to support and listen to you but she felt bad because she couldn't tell him everything she had on her heart while he was really nice to her. When he told her it's been nine years, Tara understood he had lost his parent at her age or something like that. But it also gave her an idea of how much time it took to heal, even after nine years Jackson didn't seem totally heal. "I'm a little late but... I'm sorry for your loss...".

Tara didn't like the turn the conversation had taken, she didn't like how she had to be careful about what she said about that topic especially when she was vulnerable like that. The young girl couldn't speak about her mother and what she did to her, it was too dangerous, she would be alone if her mother got caught and was floated and by the way, maybe now that her father was dead the woman would stop to do terrible things to Tara. So the young girl couldn't trust anybody, even the nurse. When Jackson told her that he could set something up for her, she answered "No, don't worry about me... It's going to be okay...". She couldn't risk to talk to someone about the impact of her father's death, about how it left her alone, she would too easily speak about her mother. "Don't worry, money isn't the problem..." she said when Jackson said he could cover the price of seances with a therapist. She couldn't accept his proposal even if it was very nice of him and she was thankful about that. She just couldn't.

@severitysoftly