May We, HarJar, Drink Again

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG "In peace, may you leave this shore," Harper began, her voice quiet, hardly even a whisper and breaking on the words as tears ran silently down her cheeks. Peace was a funny word to be saying, wrong on her lips as she felt anything but. She was crouched in front of a grave, and the words that she was supposed to say filled her mind, tradition giving her words at a time when she was sure nothing but sobs could leave her mouth. A deep shaking breath scrapped its way down her sore throat, sore from shouting and sore from crying. The next words sat in her mind, ready to be spoken when she thought she might be able to force air through her voice box again. "In love, may you find the next." Love. The thing that Harper found herself regretting. The pain that was cutting through every part of her body with every thought of Monty that ran through her mind was unbearable and all she wanted was for it to go away. In everything she had seen since she had come to Earth, she knew just how dangerous everything was. Harper knew that living wasn't a given. Death was a given but life, that was a game of luck and something taken so quickly by the harsh world they lived on. Maybe if she had understood that more and not made that decision to open herself up to Monty...maybe she wouldn't have this pain. It had taken so much to open up to him, so much to get to that point of loving him, and now it was doing nothing but magnifying the pain she felt at his death. "Safe passage on your travels," she continued, a sob escaping her following the words. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be there at his grave. She couldn't say these words. Standing back up, Harper turned her back to the grave and stomped her feet on the ground, like a child throwing a tantrum. She couldn't. Her heart felt so weak, like it might stop beating. Her eyes hurt. There was a metallic taste in her mouth and the feeling of tooth marks on her cheeks and her lips. "I'm sorry, Monty," she eventually said, her voice as strong as she could make it. Above a whisper but quieter than she would normally be. Her feet hit the ground again and again as she ran, straight inside the structure of Arkadia, straight down familiar hallways with only one place in mind to go. When she arrived her hand moved up to bang on the door, loudly and harshly, like she were trying to punch a hole through it rather than just let someone know that she was waiting there. Jasper could have been anywhere, inside or outside of the camp but Harper had to hope that he was in the most simple place. She had to hope that he was in his room or that he might at least come by it at some stage. When an answer didn't come right away, she banged on the door again, softer than before. Tears were still running down her cheeks and another sob escaped. "Jasper!" she shouted at the door.  @jasper420 || Monty is dead. Harper needs some of that moonshine, Jas!

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Monty was gone. He was gone. Even when they were fighting, even when they were barely speaking, Jasper still had Monty in his life, like he had ever since he could remember. There was never a time without Monty. Never. Until now. Jasper had been broken by Maya's death, and he'd started to heal a little, then broke again on Luna's rig. And again when the City of Light went dark. And the only thing that stopped him from putting a bullet in his head was that Monty promised him they'd get through it. Together. Jasper was switching wildly between being furious at Monty for breaking that promise and barely being able to function from the grief. When neither of those two feelings were present, Jasper felt dead inside.

He'd almost fallen apart at the memorial service, and left before it was even over because he was tempted to start screaming. At everyone. About everything. He stole a couple of bottle of moonshine and a gun while everyone else was around the grave, went to his room and started drinking. Monty would be pissed, but there wasn't much Monty could do about it now, was there?

The nothingness, the deadness, was back in his brain now, thanks to the bottle. He was laying in bed staring at the gun that was resting on the pillow he wasn't using, his expression blank, when pounding at his door jolted him a little. He jumped slightly, but didn't move. He didn't want to see anyone. Maybe never again. Whoever it was would get tired of knocking and go away eventually... except they didn't. And then someone called his name, and Jasper recognized Harper's voice.

The calm deadness slipped away at the sound of her voice, and for a moment he was almost angry at her as tears slid down his face, for making him feel his pain again. He knew Harper loved Monty. Of everyone in this camp, she was closer to Monty than most, excluding himself. "Damn it, Harper," he sobbed quietly, because he couldn't ignore her. Things had been awkward between them after he'd been chipped, but Monty had sat them down and made then talk it out. He rolled out of bed and made his way to the door. When he opened it and saw her, her tears, the despair on her face, his own expression crumpled into misery and he pulled her inside into a hug, closing the door behind them. "I'd ask how you were, but I don't think I need to," he muttered, probably holding her too tightly.

Tag: @harpermcintyre

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG There was a lot of panic in the moments before the door opened. Worry that Jasper wasn't there and that Harper would have to make a decision to either sit there and wait for him when he might never come or go on a wild goose chase to find him. He could have been anywhere and Harper wasn't joking about that. After Maya's death, Harper had found Jasper in so many different places drinking. Even in the middle of the woods where he had been in so much danger. She could still remember that day clearly, remembering shouting at him that he needed to move on...Harper regretted every word that had come from her mouth then. Now she knew, knew exactly how he had felt. Broken. Oh so broken. If someone told Harper to get over it, well, she wasn't sure if she would punch them or break down crying. Maybe both. Harper was saved from the trouble of an impossible decision as the door finally opened, revealing a Jasper who looked as broken as her. And he became even more so, his expression so visibly dropping as he looked at her. The sight caused another sob, and another. She felt herself breaking down as Jasper pulled her into a hug, not making any moves to fight him on that. She collapsed in his arms, her own arms wrapping tightly around his body as her wet eyes and nose came against his shirt. There wasn't enough clarity in her mind to think that might be a bad thing, to think about not dirtying his shirt. Harper didn't say anything in response to his words and really, the sobbing and shaking probably told him enough about how she was feeling. About how she felt completely and totally broken. About how she felt nothing but hatred for Earth and everything it had taken from her since she had arrived on it. Finally, eventually, Harper managed to stop the worst of the crying. She loosened her grip on Jasper, taking one shaky step back from him. For a moment she was going to apologise. For what? Maybe the crying. Maybe for disturbing him in his own mourning. Who knew. Instead she looked up at him with and expression that still held pain and hurt and everything she was feeling, but also held a hint of determination. While part of the reason she had come to see Jasper was because she knew he would be feeling just as broken, if not more, as her, she had also come here because she knew exactly what Jasper would turn to in his pain. "You have moonshine," Harper said. It wasn't a question in anyway because there was no doubt in her mind. There hadn't been before she had come there but now she could smell it on him. She was sure if she glanced around the room she would see a bottle or flask somewhere. @jasper420

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Jasper just held Harper as she sobbed and shook, his own tears sliding down his face as he rested his chin on top of her head. He knew how she felt. All too well. And he hated that she was feeling that way, but losing Monty almost felt worse than losing Maya. Monty had never not been there. Monty was supposed to be here, and the fact that he wasn't was just plain wrong.

When she pulled back, he wiped his face with his sleeves. He wanted to be upset, or disappointed, that the first things she said was about moonshine, but he supposed he really couldn't be upset. He'd been better. Since rationing took his alcohol away, and then things had gone crazy, he hadn't been drinking much, but losing Monty was too much to bare. What else was he supposed to do? "Yeah," he muttered, then headed back into his room. He tossed the gun on his second pillow carelessly into a nightstand, not caring whether she saw it, and sat on the edge of the bed, holding the bottle out to her. He was already on the edge of drunk, and he doubted she had started yet. "Can't live with the pain? Drown it," he said, his voice flat.

Tag: @harpermcintyre

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG Maybe Harper should have felt bad that she was bringing up the moonshine so quickly but she was sure they would both prefer to be in each others company with the help of the alcohol. Her words brought a reaction from Jasper where he didn't look happy but, hell, he wasn't going to look happy no matter what. Neither of them were. How could they be looking happy when they had both lost the person they were closest to? But she was so happy to hear him say yeah, to watch him walk back to his room. Harper followed him, keeping a step behind and saw the bottle as soon as he was near it. It looked so tempting and so inviting then. A way for her to numb the emotion that was running through her in violent waves. Feeling nothing sounded like a dream and she knew the moonshine would give her that. But there wasn't only a bottle. There was a gun. Harper's eyes went to the weapon as Jasper picked it up, chucking it onto the nightstand. There was an obvious flinch from her as he did that, having had well and truly enough training with guns to know that you didn't just throw them from one place to another. That wasn't safe. Her attention was quickly diverted when she saw the bottle held out to her, knowing she could drink and talk at the same time. The sight of the gun brought a panicked thought to her head, one that said Jasper was planning on using it. It wouldn't be a surprise at her, not after how many people he had lost, not with all the pain. Harper could see the temptation, even though she was fine with drowning her sorrows for then. She took the bottle from his hand, wiping her face on her sleeve quickly before taking a sip, not particularly wanting to taste her tears with the moonshine. "Drowning it sounds good," Harper agreed, her voice as flat as Jasper's now that she wasn't crying any longer. She brought the bottle to her lips again, feeling the burn of the liquid as it went down her throat and letting herself focus on that instead of her emotions. Soon enough they would be numbed, for now she could focus on something physical. When she was satisfied without the initial amount of liquid that she poured down her throat, Harper looked back up at Jasper and glanced between him and the gun. As much as she wished she could ignore it, not have to bring it up. She had to. Of course she fucking had to. She couldn't lose Jasper too. "Where'd you get the gun?" she asked him. @jasper420 || This thread and the FEELS.

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Jasper watched as Harper took a sip of the moonshine before speaking, and then taking a longer drink from the bottle. He wasn't really surprised when he saw her looking between him and the gun, and he half wished he'd thought to put it away before he went to the door, and half didn't care. "Does it matter where I got it?" he responded to her question, looking up from where he was sitting on the bed. He took the bottle back and took a long drink himself. There was another bottle he hadn't opened yet, so he wasn't worried about running out.

He looked her over for a moment, realizing he was barefoot, wearing clothes he'd normally only wear to sleep in. He made a grand gesture, as if welcoming her to some fucked up carnival. "Get comfortable. Stay a while. The nightmares never end here, but we have the cure for what ails you," he said with an unamused smile, shaking the bottle s he held it out to her again. He was speaking generally about this shithole of a world, rather than his rooms, though his comments were true of both. And they were harsh, he knew, but if he had to hear anyone else talk about the people he'd lost--that they'd all lost--as if they had gone on some fucking vacation to another world, he was going to lose his shit.

Tag: @harpermcintyre

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG The answer Jasper gave to her question wasn't unexpected. Hrll, Harper could have pretty much expected he would avoid the question, it seemed typical of this Jasper. The one mourning and broken. She let him take back the bottle and watched him as he drank from it. Even though Jasper hadn't been drinking of lately, now that he was drinking again, it was a familiar sight to Harper. "No, I guess it doesn't," Harper replied, brushing back some hair from her face. It didn't matter where he got it. It was the fact that he even had. The reason why he had it. Why would someone have a gun in their room when they obviously didn't need one to protect themselves? Why would it just be sitting on a pillow? "What does matter is why," she eventually stated, the words coming as the bottle left Jasper's lips. Harper couldn't find any way to react to Jasper's words but to look at him blankly and take the bottle again. What she did do was take it as a hint that he wasn't going to kick her out anytime soon. Which was good because she wasn't planning on leaving. There wasn't anywhere else she could go where she would be able to mourn. Not with the way she felt. Jasper understood and he had the best way to deal with it all. As she drank from the bottle again, Harper dropped down onto the bed. She would get comfortable. She would stay a while. The liquid ran down her throat, she handed the bottle back to Jasper and let her body fall backwards until her bed hit the bed. "It fucking hurts," she muttered, rubbing at her eyes with the sides of her hands. They were stinging and likely red raw. At least they hadn't hurt when she was actually crying. @jasper420

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Jasper didn't really answer Harper's question about why he had the gun. He couldn't really answer it. Not in any way that she would like. Besides, he wasn't sure what the answer was. Killing himself seemed like a pretty reasonable idea, but right now, he was drunk and slightly numb, and Harper was here, so it wasn't like he was going to pull the trigger now. "Just in case," he muttered eventually

He took the bottle back from her, not looking at her as she flopped back onto the bed, but feeing the mattress bounce a little under him. "Yeah, it does," he agreed, taking another swig from the bottle. It was different this time. Losing Maya and losing Monty were very different, but he knew how Harper felt at least. He didn't really know if she had ever had someone like Monty for herself, though. Someone like a sibling. Someone that when they were cut, you bled. "Don't worry, the unimaginable nothingness comes next. Then the rage. Then the hurt again. You won't get bored, at least."

Tag: @harpermcintyre

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG Just in case. Because that made Harper feel completely fucking better. He didn't need a gun just in case. Honestly, Harper didn't even feel happy about the gun she had and she had good reason to have one. For a moment she thought about getting up and running over to the nightstand, grabbing the gun to take it away from him...but she couldn't find that sort of motivation. It was taking enough to talk. All she wanted to do was cry and drink. What reason did she even have for doing more? Anyways, as long as she was there with Jasper, he would be alive. When she left, if she could remember, she would take it with her. Save him from himself. Maybe she needed to save herself from him though. He was definitely doing a great job of having her look forward to more and more of her grief. That was for sure. Nothingness. Rage. Hurt again. She was overjoyed about that, for sure. "Can't wait," she muttered, her voice with the slightest hint of sarcasm. She laid there in silence for a bit, eyes shut and just fighting back the sudden urge to want to hit something. To feel that pain in her fist. When her eyes opened again, she noticed her hands had curled up in the sheets of the bed. "It never ends, does it?" She had to ask. She had to know. Jasper had been in mourning for so long, never ending drinking and dangerous behaviour. Harper had come to a point where she thought it would never end, when she had told him to get over it and he had tried to explain what it was like. Sitting up, Harper took the bottle from Jasper again. @jasper420

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Jasper was relieved she dropped the subject of the gun. He was getting ready to collapse back against the bed with her when she sat up after asking if it ever ended. He wanted to say no, it never did. For him, this time, he wasn't sure it would. It was too much to lose Maya, then start to heal, only to have his best friend, his brother, taken from him. The wound in his heart felt too large to ever grown back together now. But he had eventually started to heal after Maya's death, he thought, when he'd had something other than himself to focus on. Harper hadn't been through two devastating losses in a row, just one, and he didn't want her to ever feel how he felt right now.

"Well, it doesn't end, but it gets easier," he he muttered, handing the bottle back to her. He wondered how honest that was to say. He hadn't felt better when he'd started talking to Raven, helping her deal with Alie and the chip and then carrying her to a rover to save her life. He only had something else to focus on, to force himself to make decisions and take control of his life. He'd still taken the chip though, and came close to putting a bullet in his head when the City of Light was ripped away from him. He didn't feel better, but he started to feel more in control after that. Maybe that had been the first steps to feeling better, but he'd never know now that Monty was gone too. "Fuck, I don't know, Harper," he admitted, taking the bottle back and taking another swig, ignoring the tears that slid down his cheeks when he closed his eyes.

Tag: @harpermcintyre

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG There was no hope in Jasper's words, even if he probably meant for there to be. It would get easier and that wasn't the answer Harper wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that her pain would end, that she wouldn't live the rest of her life feeling like her heart had been ripped into pieces. Even if it got easier...she would still have that pain. She didn't want it. The idea that the City of Light was sounded so fucking perfect to her then, to not have to feel her pain ever again. Maybe, if she was lucky, the alcohol would do just that. Stop the pain. Even if it was just temporary, even if she had to keep drinking to keep it up, that was what she wanted. The pain, the loss, the memories to just go. At this point she didn't know what was worse: being drilled for bone marrow or losing the one person she had really opened up to. Anyways, Jasper just dropped that little bit of hope. He didn't know. She didn't know. No one knew, she was sure of that. It was shit. Harper looked over at Jasper as he drank, seeing the tears rolling down his cheeks. She had managed to stop hers, in some sort of miracle but the sight of Jasper crying just broke that miracle. Dropping back onto the bed again, Harper brought her legs up to her chest as she turned onto her side, faced away from Jasper. "Why did it have to be Monty?" she asked, not really expecting any sort of answer. Digging her face into the sheets of the bed, Harper curled one arm around her legs, the other rubbing moisture from her cheeks in an almost aggressive manner. "Fuck Earth," she eventually mutter with a muffled voice. "All it does is kill." @jasper420

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Jasper turned his head and watched Harper fall back to the bed, curing in on herself as she rolled away from him. He could see she was crying, even as she wiped at her face to try to make it stop. He took another swig from the bottle, but then put in on the bedside table. He was drunk enough already. He slumped back to the bed himself, staring at the ceiling for a moment as tears leaked over his temples and into his hair. "Earth crushes everything beautiful." It had crushed his love, and now Harper's. It had taken the most beautiful person Jasper knew and forced him to kill his own mother before it killed him too.

He rolled his head to look at Harper's back. He knew his words didn't help. He knew that when he and Monty were having trouble, he'd needed his friend to hold him and let him be a mess, rather than throw water in his face and demand that he pull himself together. It was the only thing Monty knew to try to do, Jasper knew now, and he'd long since forgiven Monty. He didn't know if Harper was like him when she needed comfort, but he had to try. And maybe it would help him too.

He slowly rolled onto his side, facing her and pressed his forehead to the back of her shoulder, then draped and arm over her. His arm rested over her waist and legs where they were pulled up, his hand settling on her knee. "I don't..." he said, his voice cracking as fresh tears spilled. "I don't have any words, Harper." No words to comfort her, or even himself. This was all he had in him right now.

Tag: @harpermcintyre

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG Harper felt as Jasper dropped back onto the bed but she didn't make any move to react to the motion. Just as she didn't react obviously to his words. They were just the same as Harper's, speaking of how Earth killed, just in a more poetic way. The niceness of the words did nothing to hide the brutality of their meaning and Harper both loved and hated the fact that Jasper agreed with her in it all. How nice it was to have someone how knew exactly how you felt yet how horrible to not find any hope to cling to. Harper felt at the point of giving up any hope that she still held, any hope of recovering from this, any hope of her pain fading... She didn't know if Jasper felt similar but she couldn't imagine he felt much hope after losing Maya and now Monty. Two losses and Harper knew she wouldn't be able to take it at all. There was no way she knew how Jasper felt but she definitely could see why he had the gun in his room, as much as that selfish part of her wasn't going to let him ever have a chance to use it on himself. When Harper felt the pressure of Jasper's head against the back of her shoulder, she cringed at first, the contact unexpected and worrying her with the direction her thoughts had been going in before. She quickly found her body relaxing again, well, not relaxing but moving back to the state it had been in pre-surprise. Which was anything but relaxed. When Jasper's arm draped over her she was more ready for it, and even welcomed the touch. It brought even more fresh tears to her eyes. It felt like Jasper trying to comfort her and she fought between craving it, feeling guilty and just not giving a damn. Why should it matter anyway when Monty was gone? There was a hint of anger to that thought. "There aren't any words," Harper said. And god was it true. No words would fix this. Nothing woul, not even the comfort she was receiving, as much as she craved more of it. At the least, it was a distraction. Adjusting the arm wrapped around her legs, Harper wriggled her hand under Jasper's, taking all the comfort she could from the embrace they were in. A small thought ran through her mind that she might even be able to sleep like that, the weight of Jasper's arm and the presence of him behind her but she hadn't really slept since Monty had been gone and she doubted that would change. She also feared what might be waiting for her in dreams. "Just drink and hope for the best, huh?" Harper mumbled. @jasper420

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For a moment, Jasper almost pulled away, unsure his touch was welcome, but he felt Harper settle, and then even slide her hand under his. His fingers tightened around hers automatically and he shifted closer so that his chest was against her back, curling his legs up under her as well as he ignored her hair in his face. Oh God, wasn't it just the cherry on the top of the fucking Sunday he'd been dealt in this life that he first time he ever "spooned" someone in his bed it was because his best friend was fucking dead? He scrunched his face as angry tears threatened to flow and waited for it to pass, badly swallowing a sob.

"Yeah, I guess," he managed to answer her after a moment, hoping she knew the sudden slight bitterness in his voice wasn't directed toward her and giving her hand a gentle squeeze just in case. "Or we could set everything on fire," he said. Where the hell was Murphy when you needed him? "And run away."

Tag: @harpermcintyre

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This is my Fight Song --TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG, PROVE I'M ALRIGHT SONG There was more comfort than Harper felt she deserved in the embrace that Jasper was giving her. In the way that his fingers tightened around hers and how he moved even closer to her, pressing himself against her back. Guilt mixed in with everything she was feeling, just managing to destroy most of the good affect from the comfort. If she were a better friend, she would be trying to comfort Jasper, not the other way around. She had lost a lover but Jasper had lost a brother and as much as Harper hurt, Jasper had to be feeling worse. So much worse. The mixture of emotions was just causing more tears to fall, a sob to escape before she could stop it. Harper needed more to drink but there was no way she was going to move, no way she was going to reject Jasper's embrace because for all she knew, maybe he needed it too. The suggestion that Jasper gave, as much as Harper knew it wasn't serious, sounded pretty damn good. Set it all on fire. Run away. If she put her mind to the task, she held little doubt about whether she would follow through on it or not. "Sounds good," Harper said, head turned against the sheets and voice muffled slightly. "You start the fire and I'll get us a getaway car." Harper turned her hand under Jasper's so she could hold his and gave it a squeeze, offering a little bit of comfort back to Jasper. If they did that and ran away, Harper had no idea where they would go, where they could go. It was Earth that sucked, Earth that fucking killed everyone and take away any happiness they tried to have. Running away wouldn't help anything but Earth would still be able to cause them all the pain it wanted to. Oh god, when would the alcohol kick in? @jasper420